Kate moved to enter the room but a hand on her arm stopped her. She pulled her gaze from Tony's and looked back to Dr. Preston.
" I really can only give you a few minutes this time, then I need to do some neural checks," the doctor stated earnestly.
Kate nodded her understanding. "Thank you," she stated, recognising the break in protocol, the latitude she was being given because of Tony's fragile mental condition, and the trust that was being placed in her. She was about to continue, when the doctor spoke again.
"If you need me I'll be right here."
Kate gave a firmer nod this time, to acknowledge that she understood. Understood that she might not be able to get through to him, understood that he might need more than just a friend. She clenched her fist, her knuckles whitening, as though the physical tension in her muscles could bolster her resolve. She drew in a deep breath, hating every moment of the walk back into the room, because there wasn't another emotion that could deal with her trepidation.
Tony met and held her gaze as she crossed to the bed, his expression unchanging, almost as if he didn't recognise her. Kate's insides did a couple of double back flips as a whole new set of fears took control.
"Hey Tony," she said, softly as she reached his side, and that was when she realised that his eyes weren't meeting hers, not properly; he wasn't looking at her he was looking through her. He gave no response to her greeting and she almost panicked, almost called for the doctor, almost grabbed him to shake some sense into him; anything rather than gaze into eyes that stared right through her.
Instead she drew a deep breath and tried again. "Tony," her voice was a little louder, her tone a little sharper, "hey."
Tony had different images playing on multiple screens in his head, except they weren't just images, they came with sound and smells and sensation and they all fought to take their slot centre stage, main feature, spiralling round moving in and out, like some crazed producer, who'd just learnt how to mix images was playing in his mind. He tried to control them, he really did. Tried to separate the images and concentrate on the reality of his surroundings, but he couldn't seem to stop the spiral. The tension, the blood, running, gunshots, Lane's hot breath on his shoulder, Kate staring down at him, her face etched with concern, checking the loaded gun, the warm spray of blood that settled over him like a gentle shower, Jeffrey's blood. Jeffrey's last words "I just want you to know, when I said no one ever treated me like you did. . . I meant that." His own softly spoken, "I know." The jerk on his neck, the deafening roar of gunshots in the close confines of the car, the warm spray of blood that settled over him. . ."Tony?"
The familiar tones finally cut through, gave him a focus, he grasped at the image that matched with the words, reeled it in from the periphery of his vision, used its familiarity to hold the picture steady. He licked dry lips, barely forming enough moisture to make a difference. "Hey Kate," he returned the greeting.
Kate almost sagged forward as the tensely held breath escaped. Eyes finally focussed on her and she felt the panic ease slightly. Her mind scrambled around, struggled for what to say next, finally settling on. "How're you feeling?" Lame, she knew, more likely to provoke a lie than an honest answer, especially from Tony, but she had to say something, and, staring into those haunted eyes, it was the best that she could come up with.
Tony studied her face as he struggled for an answer. Had she been crying? Whatever had happened it must have been bad then, if Kate had been crying. . .She was strong, almost stoic. He'd seen tears well in her eyes on several occasions but never actually fall, and there were streaks through her make-up on both cheeks. It must have been bad. He didn't remember all of it, only flashes after he'd fired the gun, he remembered that clearly, didn't want to remember that. . .He forced himself back to the question, couldn't face a return of the spiralling images at the moment and that meant using all of his concentration to hold his focus. How was he feeling? "Tired," he finally answered. It was the only thing he could say that he truly felt. Where there should have been emotion there only seemed to be an empty void, as though a chasm had opened up and swallowed all of his feelings and left a hollow emptiness in their place. "A little tired," he repeated, shifting position on the bed and trying not to wince at the sharp pain.
Kate nodded slightly, stared at him, struggled to find something to ask, something to say. Their normal conversation took place on such a different level. Light banter, humour, gentle digs, nagging, deliberate attempts to bait the other, competitions for Gibbs' attention, mutual ganging up on McGee. Nothing in their relationship fitted what was happening here. Kate's normal response to the dejection that she saw would be to try to bait him, to force him to get angry, to fight back, but for some reason she knew that would not work. Pushing him now would just push him further over the edge, but she needed something, anything that even bordered on normal. "That'll be from the blood loss," She stated, smiling slightly as she had an idea. "They had trouble getting the bleeding stopped. I told you, you should eat more greens."
Tony frowned at her slightly "Eat more greens?" he asked. "I was . . .he used a knife how do you figure. . ."
"Yeah greens, don't you listen to anything I tell you Tony? Don't bother answering that." She sat down, gratified when his eyes followed her, still alert, still focused. "Green vegetables like Spinach, lettuce, broccoli and cabbage all contain vitamin K which aids blood clotting, which in turn helps if you have an injury like a gunshot or a knife wound. Everyone in our profession should eat plenty of greens."
"I hate spinach," Tony stated.
She tried hard to ignore the weakness in his reply, his voice only holding a tenth of the strength it normally would. The distraction was almost working; his eyes had brightened a little. Sparked with a little of the fire she could normally draw out of him. "That's what you said last time we had this conversation." Kate smiled, "But you'll never have big muscles like Popeye if you don't eat your spinach."
Kate was baiting him and he knew it, he did his best to keep the banter going, she looked scared. He gave a slight sneer. "That line didn't even work when my Nanny used it when I was four years old and it's certainly not going to work now."
"Fair enough, but you could eat more broccoli, cabbage, even Brussels sprouts."
Tony pulled a face. "I hate. . ." his voice wavered, he drew in a breath, ". . . those too."
Again Kate ignored the weakness, he needed this; she needed this. "Yeah well I've pretty much got it figured by now, if it doesn't have a high fat, high cholesterol count then you don't eat it."
Tony knew how to respond to that. "Hey that's unfair, I always have salad on my sandwiches," he protested.
"That's only because you're trying to impress the new girl on the checkout in the canteen." She forced her tone to remain even, that slight edge of sarcasm that it would have on any normal day; forced herself to ignore the fact that his eyes had dulled again, the spark was drifting away to be replaced by.. . .an emptiness. She had to ignore it. "We eat out and you always go for burger and fries."
Tony had to concede that one. Damn Kate, she was far too observant for him to win an argument like this one. He smiled at her. This was good, this was normal, things were back to normal, bantering with Kate. That was good; he was good. For a moment he almost had himself convinced. "Gibbs doesn't eat his greens," he tried.
"Gibbs doesn't have to, he just glares at his blood and it clots on command," Kate stated. "You on the other hand. . . ."
"Need to eat plenty, yeah I. . . ." His words were cut off by a cough, a small spluttering cough at first, the action still contorting his face in pain, it grew worse and Kate stood, stepped forward, but there was nothing that she could do. She was relieved when Dr. Preston appeared, helping Tony to sit more upright for a moment. Supporting him until the coughing eased and he dropped exhausted back onto the pillows.
It was only then that Kate realised that she had placed her hand over his; resting on it, for his comfort or hers she wasn't sure. The doctor met her gaze.
"You'd better give us a minute. I need to check the dressing," Dr Preston stated.
Kate nodded and stepped back slowly, her fingers lingering like her gaze, on the still frighteningly fragile form of her partner. She swallowed and stepped out into the hall, making it through the door to rest her back against it. She drew in a heavy breath as she once more failed to stop the two tears that tracked down her face. She hadn't been fooled. He'd been trying, trying really hard and she knew it was for her sake, but something in him was broken, and all she could do was pray that it wasn't irreparable. She sucked in a breath, the tears had stopped but she didn't bother to wipe them away. She pulled out her cell and dialled. Frowning at the voice on the other end of the line. "Abby, isn't this Gibbs new cell?"
"It is and it has temporarily been entrusted to me," Abby replied. "And confidentially, I think it will last longer in my possession." There was the briefest of pauses before the question. "You got some news on Tony?"
"Yes, good news, his conditions been upgraded to serious and he's awake," She injected a positivity into her tone that she didn't really feel. "I've just spoken to him. You can tell Gibbs. . ."
"Tell him for yourself," Abby said, still unsure as to how Gibbs always ended up in exactly the right place at the right time, maybe one day he would let her study him for ESP skills. She stared into his eyes, then again maybe not. He held out his hand expectantly and she handed the cell over. Silently bouncing up and down inside at the good news about Tony. She had learnt that it was not a good idea to allow the bouncing to physically manifest itself when she was in close proximity to Gibbs, so she had perfected the mental equivalent. In her head she was jumping around for joy but the only outward sign was a slight bobbing of her ponytails.
"Gibbs," he said abruptly into the phone, turning, because just ignoring Abby's bouncing wasn't an option.
Kate repeated what she had just told Abby.
"How is he?" Gibbs asked, his jaw tensing as he waited for the answer.
He had been there at the car; Kate knew he wasn't asking about Tony's physical health. "He's. . . she began but she had no idea how to finish. Well, she did but she didn't want to put it into words, not to Gibbs, she couldn't tell Gibbs what she'd seen in his eyes, she couldn't tell him that her friend, her partner may be broken, but he needed to know. "He's. . ." she repeated again.
"Yeah, that's about what I thought, I'm coming over." He stated, flipping the new cell phone closed.
Kate stood silently for a moment before she lowered the dead cell phone. She wasn't sure how long Dr. Preston had been at her side before she noticed that she was there.
"You can go back in now if you'd like," Dr. Preston said quietly.
'If you'd like?' No, she wouldn't like, wouldn't like it at all, but Tony needed someone, needed her.
"Thank you doctor," Kate said, staring once more at the door. She said a silent prayer for a little more strength and headed back into the room.