-1You watch the black and white, tuxedoed ragamuffin as it steps out of its cage, gracefully, after bringing it home from a pet store. You proceed to cuddle him and squeeze him and he purrs in content. You pull from your pocket, a blue nylon collar with a bell, and he tilts his head looking at. He suddenly looks up at you, and says "You're kidding, right ?" He produces from god only knows where, a piece of paper, handing it to you.

How To Take Care of the Magical the Marvelous Mr. Mistoffelees

By Mr. Mistoffelees.

Dear Sir or Madame, however it may be. You are now the owner of a very special cat. I, am not just any cat. I am, the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. To start with, I give you simple words of advice: Watch Out.

I am a tricky little bugger, and I like to watch you stare in confusion once I've played a trick on you. If you wish to avoid said tricks, you may do one of several things.

A. Treat me like a friend, not a cuddle toy and give up and let me come and go as I please

B. Read these instructions and follow them.

C. Prepare to have your life become a living hell.

I personally think that either A and C are your best choices, but if you have chosen B, as you are most likely too, good luck.

1. Introduction to Me

I don't mind the occasional cuddle, in fact, its rather enjoyable purr. If you treat me like I am a stuffed animal, I will make your arms disappear, so you can't cuddle me. If you treat me like a friend, we should get along just fine, however if you ignore me, well then, kiss your favorite objects good-bye. They will not be coming back.

I like tricking you. I like shiny objects. I like making you suffer through everyday wondering where your fork went. I like bothering the hell out of you. Unless you do manage to bow the awesomeness that is Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. And you'd better spell that right too, or poof ! No house.

2. Making the Magical Cat like his new home

Put a cat bed in your bedroom. Put a litter box in your living room. Put a pack of cards in every room. Put dice in every room. Put something shiny everywhere you can think of. Don't invade my area.

3. All about me

I will not tolerate more than one cuddle session per every three hours that I am in the house. I will not accept the offer to hunt mice, as you can do that yourself. Call the exterminator, this cat ain't becoming your common mouser.

If you see bright lights coming from the room I am in, don't come in. I repeat, don't come in, unless you want to be a toad. My singular magical powers don't know you from the door knob, and I couldn't care less half of the time.

I've warned you. Beware.

4. FAQAMM - Frequently Asked Questions About Magical Me.

Q. I've heard meowing up on the roof, but saw you by the fire; do you have a twin ?

A. … A twin ? A TWIN ? No I do not have a twin you twit ! I'm magical, deal with it !

Q. I've been calling you in from the garden for the last 3 hours, but you haven't come in, why ?
A. I was asleep in the hall you nimrod.

Q. I've seen you cuddling with a white queen, why ?

A. That's Victoria. She's my sister, not my mate if that is what you're sick little mind is thinking.

Q. I can't find my fork, where is it ?
A. Out on the lawn. Like last time. And the time before that. And the time before that…etc….

Q. I've seen you wearing a bow tie, why is that ?

A. Because I'm a tuxedo cat, I need a tie or I look…common.

Q. I've seen you sparkling before, did you fall into a bucket of paint ?

A. ….fall into a bucket of paint ? What is wrong with you ? No I didn't fall into a bucket of paint, I'm MAGICAL. EMM EH GEE EYE SEE EH ELLE ! MAGICAL !

5. Some other things to keep in mind

You'll find that I am not in your home for most of the day, and a lot of the night. This is because, unlike you humans, I have a life. At least one night of the year I will be gone the whole night. This is on account of the Jellicle Ball, a tradition that you're too….primitive to understand.

If you try to learn my secrets, you will find yourself the object of my experimental spells. You may find yourself to be a three headed Peruvian Orkalsnooze. If you don't know what that is, well, lets just say you don't want to be one of them…

6. A list of last minute, last to my mind, random things that you don't have to read but probably will anyway out of curiosity.

After reading this paper, I am now officially your pet by the order of yourself, the pet shop clerk and my last owner who lost his sanity due to my charming nature snicker . There are a few things left to tell you

If you don't take care of me purrrfectly, just pray that you only become a Peruvian Orkalsnooze.

If you DO take care of me purrrfectly, than you shall have a long life of companionship with a loving Magical Cat.

Any other questions, you may ask me, but only on the 13th of March in the 26th year of the rabbit, the translator must be a white squirrel.

Sincerely,

The Magical Mr. Mistoffelees