The Gift That Keeps on Giving

"No I don't think Hermie the Elf was gay," Scott snapped at Todd and Kurt as he went to answer the door. "I don't care what you say! Now please stop talking about this while I get the door?"

"It's a valid argument," Todd said.

"It's an insane argument," Kurt told him.

"Exactly!" Scott agreed as he opened the door. "Alex!"

"Scott!" Alex gave his brother a hug.

"Mama! Papa!" Kurt shouted with joy as his adopted parents walked into the room. Hugs went all around.

"Dude, love the surfboarding snowmen," Alex grinned.

"Oh goddess Shipwreck is still out there?" Ororo groaned as she walked in with some bags.

"Yeah and he's still glowing as a result of that shock you gave him before you left," Todd snickered. "Hey didn't Red go with you guys to the airport?"

"Jean's parking the van," Ororo explained. "She'll be here in a minute."

"So how have all of you been?" Mr. Wagner asked. "It's been so long since we've seen you!"

"Well…" Scott began.

"For the last time Lance," Althea rolled her eyes as she turned the corner with Lance right behind her. "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was not a mutant!"

"Oh come on!" Lance said. "How many normal reindeer with red glowing noses do you know? He's probably the first nationally recognized mutant holiday symbol!"

"He got his powers because of a magic spell you ignoramus!" Althea snapped. "Didn't you see 'Rudolph Meets Frosty'?"

"That is anti-mutant propaganda and you know it," Lance said. "Besides there's a reason that special is the weakest of the Rudolph series."

"Pretty much the same as last year I take it?" Alex looked at Scott.

"I just can't win," Scott groaned. "Guys, our families are here. Can we please talk about something else besides insane holiday cartoon arguments?"

"Like what?" Todd asked.

"Anything!" Scott snapped.

"You will not believe what we saw them doing as I was driving up here with them!" Jean said as she walked in. "Guess! Take a guess!"

"They were staging a revival of 'The Producers' in the middle of the street?" Lance asked.

"They were training grizzly bears to dance the Nutcracker Ballet?" Althea added.

"A big ball of cotton candy was rolling all over the place and everybody was getting stuck to it!" Todd piped up. "And they brought in a dozen clowns in a tiny little yellow car to wash it away with a big fire hose!"

"No, no and no," Jean glared at them. "There's now a street sign at the end of the block that says and I quote: Caution: Mutant Residence Ahead."

"You're kidding?" Scott blinked.

"I'm afraid not," Ororo sighed.

"I should have stuck with the cartoon arguments," Scott groaned.

"It was there," Mrs. Wagner shook her head. "We saw it. It even had a little monster face on it."

"Is that even legal?" Kurt asked.

"Like that'll stop 'em," Lance scoffed. "They'll probably throw out some old law that gives them a loophole to do it. You know like they have signs warning people that a deaf person lives there or something? Something like that."

"We'll have our lawyers look into it," Ororo said.

"I can't believe the city actually put up a sign on our street telling people that mutants live here," Jean threw up her hands.

"Yeah you would think that the explosions and the occasional giant robot on your front lawn would give people enough of a clue," Todd said sarcastically.

"Life just keeps getting better around here doesn't it?" Alex looked at Scott. "And you want me to live here full time?"

"I know, I know…" Scott groaned. "It's just that I don't get to see you enough as it is."

"It's not all Alex's fault. You know you should have come to the airport and met your brother," Jean told him.

"Well somebody had to stay and watch Gambit's family from stealing us blind," Scott groaned. "Logan was distracted with all the explosions Shipwreck caused putting up the decorations and the eggnog fight."

"Eggnog fight?" Jean looked at him.

"Don't ask," Scott said. "You know between you and me, I have to agree with Remy. I mean I can't understand why the Professor is allowing this."

"Gee, maybe he has an ulterior motive?" Jean asked sarcastically. "Wouldn't be the first time."

"What kind of motive would the Professor have in having the leader of the Thieves' Guild and his family stay here?" Scott asked.

"You're kidding right?" Althea had overheard them. "You really have no idea? Hey guys! Scotty here hasn't a clue why Xavier's being all chummy with the head of both the Thieves' Guild and the Assassins' Guild!"

"Oh man," Todd snickered. "Now that is funny!"

Everyone in the hall chuckled, even Kurt's parents. "Okay what is so funny?" Scott fumed.

"Scott, even I can figure out why the Professor would want to have them as allies," Kurt looked at him.

"Allies?" Scott was shocked. "The X-Men allied with assassins and thieves? I mean real assassins and thieves?"

"Normally I'd insert a Misfit joke in there," Ororo said. "But since it's the holidays…"

"Scott it amazes me that in over five years with all the maniacs trying to kill us and the plots going on to take over the planet that you haven't developed an ounce of guile," Althea shook her head. She playfully grabbed the cheeks on his face and shook them. "That is soooooo cute!"

"All right! All right!" Scott backed away. "Cut it out!"

"Let me explain a few things for you," Althea held up her hands. "Both the Thieves Guild and the Assassins Guild are part of a secret network made up of many, many agencies connected to or indirectly used by the government. Aside from the usual benefits and freedoms these groups have while fulfilling whatever missions are needed, if something goes wrong, there is nothing that ties them to the government and…"

"Deniability I get that," Scott held up his hand. "So the Professor is using them for contacts?"

"He'd be an idiot if he didn't," Alex admitted.

"Exactly," Althea said.

"See, Summers?" Lance smirked. "Even your own brother gets it."

"And while I don't think the Professor would actually use a gun for hire to kill someone," Althea continued. "I could easily see him hiring the Thieves' Guild to get some information in a less orthodox way if you get my drift."

"And this doesn't bother any of you?" Scott asked.

"Not really," Mr. Wagner shrugged. "I mean compared to Kurt's father…"

"What?" Kurt blinked. "What about my father?"

"Uh, nothing," Mr. Wagner gulped. His wife whacked him on the arm. "Ow!"

"Did you tell them about your real dad being some kind of demon lord?" Todd asked Kurt.

"No," Kurt looked at his parents. "I did not."

"So you know, I mean…" Mr. Wagner began.

"Stephan!" Mrs. Wagner hit him again. "I thought we agreed…"

"Well I didn't tell him!" Mr. Wagner snapped.

"You knew?" Kurt closed his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose. "Of course you knew. Everybody knew except me!"

"I didn't know," Todd said.

"YOU DON'T COUNT!" Kurt snapped at him.

"How did you find out?" Mrs. Wagner asked. "And how much do you know?"

"Well I pretty much pieced it together after Burke tricked me into using one of Forge's inventions to transport him back to his home dimension and become Azazel again," Kurt told them.

"Oh…" Mrs. Wagner blinked.

"Some of Kurt's brothers are here too," Scott told them. "Actually they're off someplace with Illyana doing who knows what…"

"Gobo's not one of them is it?" Mr. Wagner asked.

"YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM TOO?" Kurt yelled.

"Well some of them have…reputations," Mrs. Wagner flinched.

"How did you know about Kurt's dad?" Lance asked.

"We kind of helped him when he first became human," Mrs. Wagner admitted. "Our family has had ties to his dimension for centuries. It's a long story."

"Oh really?" Kurt looked at them. "Excuse me, I have to go to my room and scream into my pillow for the next hour or so." He teleported away.

"Well," Mr. Wagner said after an awkward silence. "That could have gone a lot worse."

"We'd better go talk to him," Mrs. Wagner sighed. "Which way is his room again?"

"I'll show you," Ororo said. The Wagners followed her.

"Looks like the Elf just got a new headache for Christmas," Lance smirked.

"Lance!" Jean warned.

"Well come on, Red," Lance protested. "I mean you gotta admit between him and Rogue he's got more problems with his family than anyone I know!"

"Life does seem to screw with him a lot doesn't it?" Althea remarked.

The gate buzzer rang. "Now what?" Scott asked. He went to answer it. "Yes?"

"Uh, is there a Ms. Jean Grey residing at this residence?" A man's voice asked.

"Do you know she's a mutant?" Todd spoke up.

"Uh, yes."

"Did you see the sign?" Lance called out.

"Yes…"

"Then this is the place," Lance said sarcastically.

"Well I kind of figured that," The man had no clue Lance was being sarcastic. "I was just trying to be polite. My name is Mr. Pendergrass. I represent the late Jeannette Grey's estate. May I come in?"

"Yes," Jean answered. "Come right in." She opened the gates with a button on the control panel. "I wonder what he wants?"

"Hey! Maybe you inherited some cash when the Wicked Witch of the East kicked the bucket?" Todd said.

"Yeah well since this is private…" Scott began.

None of the Misfits took the hint. "Oh go right ahead," Lance waved. "We don't mind."

"Yeah I want to see this too," Alex said.

"Oh let them stay," Jean was resigned to her fate. "They're going to find out about this anyway."

Soon the door was opened to a nervous looking balding man in glasses and a gray suit. He was carrying both a large bag and what looked like a cat carrier. "Ms. Grey?" He asked.

"Yes?" Jean asked. "Mr. Pendergrass? Come in, please."

"Pardon me for intruding, but as the executor of your grandmother's will it is my duty to distribute her possessions according to her wishes," He walked in.

"So she did inherit something! Matzeltov!" Todd congratulated her. "So what'd she get? Gold? Jewels?"

"More likely used Kleenex considering the way she felt about mutants," Lance said.

"I hate to say this Lance but you do have a point," Jean admitted. "The only thing she ever gave me besides her complete and utter contempt was handkerchiefs."

"Really?" Mr. Pendergrass said. "Coincidentally that is part of your inheritance. Here. She wanted you to have these." He took out two boxes of handkerchiefs from the bag and gave it to her.

"Yup that's pretty much par for the course," Jean sighed. "Wait, you said part of my inheritance."

"Yes here is the rest of it," He gave her the carrier. "She willed to you her beloved cat, Prometheus."

"Beloved? She hated that thing," Jean said. "The only reason she kept a cat was that it was something that couldn't talk back to her when she yelled."

"Meow..." Prometheus mewed timidly from it's carrier.

"Just what we need around here," Althea quipped. "Another Kitty."

"Didn't that cat have to go to therapy the last time it was here?" Todd asked.

"Yes," Jean sighed. "It did. Andmy grandmothertried to get me to pay the bill."

Around the corner flew Lockheed and Polly. "Thar she blows!" Polly laughed. They flew straight for the carrier. Lockheed grabbed it in his claws and took off with it with Polly assisting.

"And that's the reason why," Lance said.

"MEOWWWWWWWW!"

"Looks like they've made friends again," Lance snickered.

CRASH!

"And they've wrecked another vase," Todd said.

"Was that a…" Mr. Pendergrass looked very nervous.

"Dragon? Yup," Alex said.

"Handkerchiefs and a neurotic cat," Lance said. "Looks like you've hit the jackpot, Red."

"Just what I wanted for Christmas," Jean sighed.

"Uh, there is one other thing…" Mr. Pendergrass gulped. "It seemed there was a slight…mix up with your aunt."

"Mix up?" Jean asked.

"Yes instead of being frozen…She was cremated instead," He handed her an urn from the bag.

"Why are you giving it to me?" Jean said as she took the urn.

"Your family requested that you take it," Mr. Pendergrass told her. "They said you would know what to do with it."

"They were wrong," Jean looked at it. "I haven't got a clue what to do with this!"

"I know what you could do," Todd piped up. "You could give her a burial at sea. Flush!"

"SHUT UP TOAD!" Jean snapped.

"So much for your grandmother not ruining this holiday," Alex said.

BOOOM!

"What was that?" Mr. Pendergrass shouted. "It sounded like an explosion!"

"Odds are it was an explosion," Lance said.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Dozens of Jamies ran by nearly knocking Mr. Pendergrass over.

"COME BACK SWEETIE PIE!" Trinity flew by.

"GET 'EM! GET 'EM!" Spyder and Remy's sisters followed them.

"What was that about?" Mr. Pendergrass gasped.

"Oh don't mind that," Todd waved. "Happens all the time."

BOOOM!

The chandeliers shook violently. "I suppose that happens a lot too?" Mr. Pendergrass asked.

"Yeah but usually Avalanche is the one doing it," Althea said.

"It's probably Forge," Lance told her.

"Well yeah the odds are if it's not you it's him," Todd remarked.

"Avalanche?" Mr. Pendergrass gulped.

"I make earthquakes," Lance said.

BOOOOOOM!

"That was not me," Lance told him.

"For once," Scott grumbled.

"Oh yeah like I'm the only one who wrecks buildings and walls around here," Lance snapped.

"It could be Boom Boom," Althea thought.

"Boom Boom?" Mr. Pendergrass gasped.

"COME BACK HERE BOBBY!" Tabitha was chasing Bobby through the halls. "ICE UP THE GIRL'S BATHROOM AGAIN WILL YA! THIS WILL TEACH YOU!"

She created a large energy bomb just as they rounded a corner. "BOMBS AWAY!" She tossed it at him just as they ran into another room.

BOOOOOOM!

"YEOWWWWWW!"

"Yup, that was Boom Boom," Lance said.

"That doesn't worry you people?" Mr. Pendergrass yelled.

"Of course it does," Scott said. "This is the fifth time Bobby's iced up the girls' bathroom! And he still hasn't learned his lesson! Something is seriously wrong with that kid."

"Scott!" Jean snapped.

"This happens all the time?" Mr. Pendergrass yelled.

"Well I wouldn't say all the time," Jean tried to cover.

"HELP ME!" Doug was stuck in a huge cheese wheel and rolling around. "Somebody help me!"

"Okay that's different," Todd admitted.

"Hang on Doug," Rogue and Belladonna caught up to him. "We'll get you out of there!"

"My sisters?" Althea asked casually.

"How did you ever guess?" Rogue said sarcastically.

"Okay I gotta ask," Alex blinked. "What's with the cheese?"

"It's a family tradition," Belladonna sighed. "Don't ask it's a long story."

"Must be," Todd said. "I mean usually when you think of assassins, cheese doesn't come to mind right away."

"Assassins?" Mr. Pendergrass yelled. "I gotta get out of here…Oh my…"He clutched his chest. "My heart! My…" He gurgled and fell to the ground.

"Call Hank! I think he just had a heart attack!" Scott shouted.

"Maybe that sign isn't such a bad idea," Jean groaned as she went to administer CPR on Mr. Pendergrass.

Merry Christmas Everyone! Hope you all got better gifts than Jean!