Even Bad Guys Get The Holiday Blues

"Let me see if I get this straight, Logan," Xavier spoke on the videophone. "Within less than an hour, five people have been sent to the infirmary. Bobby due to the injuries he sustained from Tabitha's wrath, Pietro due to the injuiries he sustained from Tabitha and Wanda's wrath, Shipwreck from falling off the roof…twice, Jean's grandmother's lawyer had a heart attack at the mansion and Douglas…had a cheese related injury?"

"I don't get that last one either, Charles," Logan groaned. "I don't know how Trinity and those other girls stuffed him in that cheese…Or why Belladonna had bunch of knives in the cheese in the first place."

"I think I remember Belladonna mentioning something about a family tradition," Xavier sighed.

"Yeah well Time Bomb's idea of getting him out of the cheese certainly was a mistake," Logan said. "That's three people she's injured actually. Not that I blame her for the Popsicle. I mean icing the bathroom five times? Something is seriously wrong with that kid. Well I mean besides the injuries he's got."

CRASH!

"MEWOWWWWWWWW!"

"HAHAHAHAHA! DIVE! DIVE!" Polly could be heard screaming.

"Not to mention Jean's new cat is close to having a heart attack itself thanks to the dragon and the parrot!" Logan added.

"Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Treee!" Shipwreck could be heard singing. "How much booze can I hide under you?"

"GET BACK INTO BED POP!" Althea shouted.

"I'M FINE I TELL YOU! I ONLY HIT MY HEAD!" Shipwreck snapped.

"IF YOU SNEAK OUT OF BED ONE MORE TIME SO HELP ME..." Althea shouted. The sounds of a fight could be heard.

"OW! OW! OW! PARENT ABUSE! PARENT ABUSE!" Shipwreck could be heard screaming.

"Yes," Xavier winced. "And in addition to all these…mishaps, Illyana has taken off with both Kurt's brothers and Remy's brothers to do lord knows only what kind of mischief to our enemies. To say I am not pleased is an understatement."

"Don't use that tone with me Chuck!" Logan snapped. "I ain't the one who high tailed it outta here to Washington DC at the first sign of trouble!"

"I had to leave to meet with Ms. Cooper for a meeting…"

"Meeting smeeting!" Logan interrupted. "You could have done that on the phone and you know it! This is about that thing you had Gumbo Senior get! Am I right?"

"How did you…?"

"I didn't trust him so I stuck around and overheard you tell him to hide it for a while," Logan explained. "You know the kids have pretty much figured out that you're using both the head honchos of the two guilds for contacts and to get information. The only thing they haven't figured out yet is that you're already getting them to steal stuff for you."

"Technically the object in question wasn't stolen," Xavier said.

"Don't give me that technical crap Charles, you and I both know that if even a traffic cop finds out what you've got hidden in your shoe closet…And why the hell do you even need a shoe closet? You don't walk and you're not a woman!"

"Logan…"

"All you need is a pair of black shoes, a pair of brown shoes, sneakers and some slippers! What the hell do you need forty five black shoes for?"

"Can we stop talking about my shoes for a moment and get back on track here?" Xavier sighed. "Logan you need to get things under control."

"What I need is to get a freaking beer!" Logan snapped. "This is why I hate the holidays! All this craziness with these stupid kids I get the other 364 days of the year! I don't need it one more day! If it wasn't for X and the Firecracker I'd be out the door and off to the nearest bar so fast…"

CRASH!

BANG!

POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!

CRASH!

"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Logan roared. "WHO DID WHAT NOW?"

"Uh, Mr. Logan…" Daria could be heard saying. "We had a little accident."

"WHAT KIND OF ACCIDENT?" Logan yelled. "WHAT DID YOU LITTLE MANIACS DO NOW?"

"Technically Forge did it," Quinn could be heard. "I told him he put too much juice in his electric ornament sorter."

"Not to mention he shouldn't have had it on that high a setting," Daria added.

"Just tell me what happened in one sentence," Logan rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Kurt, Scott and Shane are in the infirmary," Brittany said. "I think Kurt broke his tail."

"That's it! I'm off to the bar!" Logan stormed off.

"I'll bet Erik never has days like this," Xavier pinched his nose.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"I hate the holidays…" Magneto grumbled as he worked in his office.

That wasn't completely true. Magneto wasn't opposed to holidays in general. And even though he was committed to the completion of his new space station habitat for mutantkind and the preparation for the dominance of the planet, he understood that not everyone was as tireless as he was. On the contrary, he recognized the importance of a break now and then. This made his workers and followers rest a moment and regain their zeal towards completing their goal.

It was just the fact that he had to spend these breaks with total idiots that irked him.

"Father?" Lorna walked into the study. "Are you coming out?"

"Not until that idiot Pyro stops that infernal fire chorus from singing that wretched parody of Winter Wonderland," Magneto snarled.

He could hear the strains of the song through the door. "Later on, if you wanna, we can dress like Madonna! Put on some eye shade and join the parade…Walkin' round in women's underwear!"

"Bob Rivers has much to answer for," Magneto's eye twitched.

"Boss," Sabertooth walked in. He had a confused look on his face. "Something's wrong with Solitaire. He's acting kind of psycho. And not in the good way."

"What are you babbling about now?" Magneto walked out of his office. "Oh good lord…"

It wasn't the sight of charred walls and singed furniture that shocked him. It was the sight of nearly every one of his loyal Acolytes seemed to have been mauled in some way. "What the devil happened to all of you?" He bellowed.

"Solitaire," Amelia Voight groaned. "He's been hugging people all afternoon!"

"Hugging people?" Magneto blinked.

"Apparently he forgot that his fingernails are like claws and they are very, very sharp…" Mastermind moaned. "He got all of us. Well except Pyro and Cortez."

"Why not those two?" Lorna asked.

"Because Pyro's little Fire-Lulia Chorus was attacking Cortez at the time," Mastermind explained.

"So I got a little out of hand," Pyro shrugged.

"YOU SET ME ON FIRE!" Cortez shouted. His entire body was covered in soot. "I HAVE NO EYEBROWS ANYMORE!"

"You also don't have a room either," Pyro said. Everyone looked at him. "What? My group needed a place to practice!"

JINGLE! JINGLE! JINGLE!

Solitaire ran in wearing bells around his neck and having a very strange wild look in his eyes. "Fun, fun, fun…" He said in a high voice.

"Solitaire! Explain yourself! What happened to you?" Magneto made his most menacing growl. This just made Solitaire pitch a high giggle fit.

"I'll give you a clue what happened," Sabertooth pointed his thumb at the guilty party. "It starts with a Py and ends with a Ro!"

"Of course it did…" Magneto winced.

"Why are his eyes spinning like that?" Mastermind asked. He glared at Pyro. "What did you do to him?"

"Nothing! All I did was give the bloke some chocolate chip cookies!" Pyro protested.

"What was in them?" Sabertooth asked.

"Chocolate chips I'm guessing," Pyro said. "I mean he only had about a dozen or so of them!"

"Sir…" Winters, Magneto's butler staggered in. His clothes were shredded and he was covered in mistletoe. "I recall from our files something about chocolate chip cookies having an adverse affect on the mutant Xi of the Misfits. Apparently something in their chemical composition reacts to his biological chemistry causing him to become, shall we say…intoxicated."

"Friends, I have friends, friends, friends…" Solitaire giggled.

"Shall we say completely bonkers instead?" Sabertooth growled.

"FRIEND! FRIEND!" Solitaire squealed as he pounced on Sabertooth.

"GET OFF ME YOU NUTCASE!" Sabertooth tried to remove the intoxicated mutant from his back.

"Yeah we're all friends!" Pyro shouted. "Let's sing a friendship song!" He conjured up a flame chorus again. "Hit it guys!"

"Not again…" Cortez coughed up another smoke ball.

"We wish you a firey Christmas! We wish you a firey Christmas!" The fire chorus sang. "We wish you a firery Christmas...Let's burn things to the ground!"

"There goes another wall," Mastermind sighed. "And another chair, another desk, another..."

"I think I've just figured out what my New Year's Resolution is going to be," Magneto groaned. "To get rid of Pyro!"

Next: What happens when you send mutants, demons and thieves out 'caroling'? You got it. Insanity. Total insanity. And plenty of fun villain bashing!