It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Trouble
"All right…" Xavier rubbed his head in an attempt to stop the pounding headache he had from growing even more. He looked at the large group back in the Institute's library. "Let's see if I can understand what happened on your little excursions. You fought aliens, crashed Duncan Matthew's wedding, tried to steal money from a casino, mooned Donald Trump and his associates…twice!"
"Accidentally mooned," Lance pointed out. "There's a difference."
"The demons ran amok causing more trouble to our enemies," Xavier continued. "Where are they anyway?"
"My sister took them all back to Limbo with her," Peter explained. "She gave Kurt's brothers a job working for S'ym."
"So now S'ym is happy that he has people to order around," Tabitha concluded.
"Exactly," Peter nodded. "They all seemed to be happy with the arrangement."
"Well that's two problems taken care of," Kurt blew out a sigh of relief. "Hallelujah!"
"Yeah but they still left a mess," Rogue pointed out. "You know both Stryker and the FOH are going to go on the warpath after they recover. And guess who their first target is gonna be?"
"I guess it would be too much to hope for that it would be Kevin Federline will it?" Arcade asked.
"No, Arcade," Logan sighed. "I don't think that's gonna happen."
"And Mr. Pendergrass…" Xavier asked.
"We lured him out of the bathroom with low fat sugar free cookies,"Jean said as she walked into the room, catching the tail end of the conversation. "Unfortunately Kitty made them so he's back in the infirmary again."
"Cover Girl molested some male dancers, and on top of it all one of the fruitcakes you catapulted crashed through the mayor's window?" Xavier glared at the other students.
"I know, it's weird," Tim scratched his head. "Who knew he had a house by the ocean down a couple miles from here?"
"It just gets crazier and crazier around here," Scott groaned. "This isn't supposed to be like this! Our lives are not supposed to be this screwed up!"
"Really?" Todd blinked. He looked at Fred.
"News to me," Fred shrugged.
"I mean, yeah fighting evil mutants and humans that want to see us exterminated, that I get," Scott got up and began pacing back and forth. "Fighting aliens and giant robots I guess comes with the territory but…but…all this crazy stuff! It's not supposed to happen!"
"Scott please don't have a mental breakdown," Jean sighed. "We really don't need it right now."
"Especially when we have so many other problems to consider," Logan folded his arms. "Okay Charles, I take it Toad's Wild Ride was caused by something other than what you wanted the Gumbo Senior and the others to get for you?"
"You assume correctly Logan," Xavier looked at Jean Luc and his family. "I'd like to know what that alien device was doing in my closet."
"Well we kind of needed a place to hide it from SHEILD for a bit," Henri gulped. Jean Luc elbowed him. "What? He's a telepath! He already knows!"
"Did you know what it does?" Logan asked.
"Only that it was some kind of teleportation device," Gustave admitted.
"Teleportation!" Xavier glared at Jean Luc.
"Hold on Xavier," Jean Luc held up his hands. "We Thieves and Assassins only agreed not to steal the teleportation watches from the Misfits. You said nothing about getting a teleportation device from other sources."
"That's part of your deal?" Lance asked Xavier.
"Yes," Xavier nodded. "We already have enough problems with people misusing that device."
"Really? Like what?" Todd blinked.
Xavier decided to ignore this. "I also took it for granted that you would honor your agreement not to steal on this visit."
"Oh we thought you just meant from you," Alphonse said.
"And technically we were doing another visit to Atlantic City so…" Henri began.
"Never mind!" Scott threw up his hands. "You're all just lucky we decided not to let you rot in jail as long as you left the money behind!"
"Don't say Remy didn't warn you Professor. So what exactly did you have the Thieves' Guild get you in the first place?" Remy asked.
"I'm afraid that has to wait," Xavier frowned. "It seems that we have another uninvited houseguest to tend to." He looked at Jubilee. "Care to explain Jubilee?"
"Or would you like me to tell everyone how all their Christmas crafts were made this year?" Low Light asked. "Here's a clue, it wasn't by Santa's Elves."
"Jubilee…" Logan warned her. "What's going on?"
"Well…" Jubilee fidgeted. "You remember my Aunt Hope right? That she was kind of an assasin? And how her house blew up and everything?"
"Vividly," Logan nodded.
"And we all thought she was dead?" Jubilee went on. "Well…She's not."
"She's alive?"Jean gasped.
"Yeah," Jubilee admitted. "She was kind of…hiding."
"Hiding where? In your closet?" Logan asked.
"Yeah," Jubilee gulped.
"Your Aunt Hope was trapped in the closet?" Shane gasped.
"Technically not trapped but hiding," Jubilee explained.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again," Shane groaned. "I'm stuck in an R. Kelly video!"
"This definitely beats my dead grandmother," Jean was shocked.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Logan winced. "In addition to the Thieves' Guild nonsense, the alien thing and all this other stuff, your Aunt Hope is alive and making crafts in your closet?"
"Actually she's out of the closet now," Aunt Hope walked in.
"You have some nerve coming here lady!" Logan growled. "If SHEILD finds out that you're here…"
"I'm the least of your problems," Aunt Hope folded her arms. "I know what they got for you this Christmas and boy are you going to be on SHEILD'S Naughty List when they find out. If they haven't already."
"I don't know what you're…" Xavier began.
"Save it Charley," Aunt Hope interrupted. "I know. On one of my bathroom runs I managed to take a peek at your files. You have The List. The Complete List."
"The List?" Roadblock's jaw dropped and he turned on Xavier. "You got a copy of The List?"
"A list?" Scott asked. "A list of what?"
"Not a list…" Shipwreck told him. "The List."
"The List?" The Blind Master gasped. "You got an illegal copy of The List!"
"You know any other kind of copy of The List?" Roadblock snapped.
"How the hell did you guys pull it off?" Low Light yelled. "How could you get The List right from…Not even SHEILD has the complete List!"
"Well that's why Xavier asked us to get it from all the other…" Jean Luc began before Belladonna elbowed him in the ribs. "What? They already know!"
"List? What list?" Jean asked. "What are you guys talking about?"
"Yeah why are all you guys so uptight about a list?" Lance asked.
"Not a list," Roadblock said. "The List."
"The List?" Jean asked.
"The 201," Roadblock's jaw was firm. "The ultimate list of all lists."
"201?" Shipwreck blinked. "I thought it was the 198?"
"It was until a couple of years ago," The Blind Master said. "They added a few. Including us and the X-Men. Somebody didn't like the number."
"Well I knew we were on it," Shipwreck said. "I just thought they bumped a few others off."
"No, they kept them and put us on," Cover Girl said.
"Wait, what exactly is this 201 or The List or whatever you guys call it?" Rogue interrupted. "And why are we on it?"
"It's not Santa's naughty list is it?" Fred asked.
"No, Fred but it might as well be," Roadblock sighed. "The 201 is the most complete and detailed catalog of most powerful, dangerous, mysterious secret societies, terrorist groups, ancient races or any other individual with great powers in the world."
"So it's not a list of how many mutants there are in the world huh?" Fred asked.
"I hope that never happens," Pietro shuddered.
"Let's just say I have a feeling the odds of that happening in this world are pretty slim," Althea said.
"So we're on this list?" Kitty asked. "But we're the good guys."
"Well so is SHEILD technically," Shipwreck said. "They're on it too. Number Five I believe."
"I thought they were number Seven?" Low Light looked at him.
"No that's Hydra," The Blind Master said. "Or are they Eight? But I know GI Joe is Number 27."
"Well that's not too bad," Cover Girl said. "I mean considering."
"What numbers are we?" Pietro asked.
"I was told the X-Men were Number 29 and the Misfits are Number 28," Roadblock told them.
"Wait a minute!" Scott said. "That's not right! The Misfits are ahead of the X-Men? Why do you lunatics and maniacs get a higher number than…Oh wait, I think I've just answered my own question."
"Wait a minute, how do we get to be crazier and more dangerous than the X-Geeks?" Pietro asked.
"Hello? My sisters!" Althea gave him a look.
"Oh yeah right," Pietro nodded.
"Not to mention you," Wanda snorted.
"Yeah I'm pretty…HEY! YOU MEANT THAT AS AN INSULT, DIDN'T YOU?" Pietro glared at his sister.
"And people call me slow," Fred chuckled.
"Hold on," Ororo held up her hands. "Are you saying that this list is classified or something."
"It's illegal to have the entire copy of The List," Cover Girl explained. "Even a partial unauthorized copy can land you a lifetime behind bars."
"WHAT?" Scott yelled.
"Well since we're all getting things out in the open," Fred interrupted. "You guys remember that call I got?"
"The one where you trashed the phone and the wall?" Ray asked.
"Accidentally trashed," Fred held up a finger. "Well it was from someone who wanted to visit. I thought it would be okay since it was Christmas and all…"
"Who?" Scott asked. "Who did you invite?"
"Howdy!" Daisy Mae Dukes, the irreverent gray haired grandma felon dressed like a cowgirl waltzed into the room carrying a basket of cookies. "Who wants cookies? Fresh made by yours truly!"
"I'll take some," Kurt shrugged and grabbed some with several others.
"Granny?" Scott gasped. "Daisy Mae Dukes is back?"
"And still on the lam last I checked," Logan groaned. "What are you doing here?"
"Thought I'd stop in for a visit," Daisy Mae shrugged. "And cook up a few things. Who wants pie?"
"Me!" Fred raised his hand excitedly.
"Big surprise," Pietro said in a droll manner.
"YOU JUST LET HER COME IN HERE?" Scott yelled at Fred.
"Well yeah," Fred shrugged. "I figure since you let Jubilee's Aunt stay here…"
"Not to mention The Thieves' Guild and the Assassin's Guild," Remy pointed out.
"These cookies are delicious," Aunt Hope munched on one.
"Hey you're that Black Mantis aren't you?" Daisy Mae asked. "Love your work."
"Well thanks," Aunt Hope grinned. "I've heard about your work too and it's pretty impressive."
"Well thank you," Daisy Mae grinned. "That's a real nice compliment. Have another cookie."
"This is so not happening," Jubilee winced.
"So to recap," Lance said. "Not only is Xavier hiding a few felons, he's in possession of some classified information that could send all of us up the river for life."
"Not if we turn him in first," Pietro thought aloud. "We could do that right?"
"We are not going to do that Pietro," Lance glared at him.
"I didn't say we were going to do it," Pietro bristled. "I said we could do it. But we won't. There. Don't say you didn't get anything for Christmas."
"Thanks a lot," Scott glared at him. "What the hell is this? Every nutcase and wanted felon dropping in for no reason other to drive us crazy? It doesn't make sense!"
"Like anything makes sense around here," Bobby rolled his eyes. "Dude, haven't you been paying attention all these years?"
"But it's so random and…" Scott threw up his hands. "And meaningless insanity."
"Who are you? The Reality Police?" Lance asked. "The world is an insane screwed up place, Summers. Deal with it. Just do what I do, sit back and enjoy the ride."
"In Xavier's case the ride all the way to the Big House," Shipwreck quipped.
"That is not going to happen," Xavier said. The phone rang. "Hold on a moment and let me take this." He answered the phone. "Xavier Institute, may I help you?"
"Professor, it's Nick Fury," The familiar voice spoke. "I'm on my way over, we need to talk. It's about something you have that I want."
"Oh…Goody," Xavier's headache was about to get a lot bigger.