Disclaimer: All charcters and places are property of Tamora Pierce (except Ani and Mark)

Twitchy Eyes and Meatheads

Ani crept into the Queenscove manor through the window. She listened intently for any noise in the large manor, then continued. When ever she passed an expensive looking object it was whisked away into a black bag that hung from the thick belt at her waist. A few minutes later the bag was full and Ani was about to exit through the window when she thought she heard footsteps. She panicked and whirled around knocking a vase off of a nearby table. The vase made a terrific noise as it shattered on the marble floor.

"Dammit," cried Ani loudly then clapped a hand over her mouth. Now she was sure she heard footsteps running towards her, too late she tried to make her escape out of the window.

She felt the tip of a sword at the back of her neck and heard a man say, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," she answered a bit stupidly, she was in shock of all the times that she had robbed houses this was the first time she had been caught.

"Turn around," he ordered. She complied when she felt the sword tip retreat. She gulped as she realized she faced not some guard but the owner of the manor Nealan of Queenscove. Before she could stop herself she smiled. He looked ridiculous standing in the middle of the moonlit study holding a naked sword in his stripped pajamas with his brown hair sticking up at odd angles.

"Something amusing," he asked dryly.

"Yes, you," Ani answered impishly. Surprised, Neal turned the mirror in the corner if the room and studied his reflection. Finished he turned back and chuckled.

"I guess I do look weird," he said sheepishly. " But never mind that, I want you to give me my stuff back."

"No."

He drew him self up and said magnificently, "By Tortallan law you are required to return my belongings to it's rightful owner, me."

"Maybe you didn't understand my first answer, NO."

Picking up his sword he commanded, "Give it to me."

"You really don't get the concept of no, do you?"

"C'mon gimme back my stuff," he whined, dropping the outraged noble act.

"Never," she cried exultantly and made a leap out of the window. A few seconds later Neal heard a thump and an owwww.

He leaned out the window and yelled uncertainly, "Are you all right?"

"Noo-oo," Ani yelled back her yell turning into a groan.

"Just wait there I'll come down and help you."

"Like I could move I've broken my legs I know it," groaned Ani pessimistically.

Neal dashed down to the wounded would-be burglar. He found her prone figure on the ground grumbling to herself about broken legs and mortal wounds. Neal reached out to her with his healing Gift and found nothing broken, not even the slightest sprain, just bruising.

"Stop being a baby, nothing's broken."

"How do you know?" Ani demanded.

"I have the Gift and have been trained as a healer."

"Yea right," she sad sarcastically.

"Really I have."

"Suuure."

"It's true."

"I believe you."

Neal sighed exasperatedly and asked, " Do you want me to fix those or not?"

"I guess," grouched Ani. There was a glow of Neal green Gift and the pain faded.

"Thanks but I'm still taking your stuff." She leapt up and darted away, leaving Neal watching admiringly after.

The next morning Neal was exhausted. He hadn't been able to banish the petite thief with cloudy green eyes from his mind. He sighed as his wife, Yuki, entered for breakfast—not that it was breaking any fast any more; Yuki never stopped eating nowadays. At their first meeting she had been pretty and pleasantly plump, but a few years and one child birth had robbed her of any beauty. In short she was whopping. Neal sighed again as his monstrous wife thunked down into a chair, rolls of flesh spreading over the chair's arms as the chair creaked under her majestic bulk.

Ani was bargaining furiously with Mark.

"What!" she cried, "This stuff is worth at least twice that."

"At least? It's hardly worth my time to look at the second rate junk you steal."

"Guuurrrrrr," growled Ani (Ani was known for her gurrs.)

"I'll pay you fifty Nobles for it all."

"Short bastard."

"Fine, sixty."

Ani had her sour puss face on (Ani was known not only for her gurrs but for her sour puss faces).

"Seventy?" Mark asked, beginning to be cowed by Ani's well known gurrs and sour puss face.

Ani's eye began to twitch (the twitchy eye was even more infamous than the gurrs and the sour puss face).

"Fine, fine one thousand. Just like you wanted," Mark chuckled nervously. Mark was scared of the twitchy eye more than anything else because, as everyone knew, the twitchy eye was lesser gypsy magic. If Ani used greater gypsy magic, the twitchy eye would turn into the evil eye, and who knows what that would do since the evil eye hadn't been used since its invention before the dawn of babka (babka came first, then cake so as you can see the evil eye had to be ancient and terrible thing if it came before the dawn of cake).

Ani kept the twitchy eye on him until the money was in her hand then she smiled and said, "Nice doing business with you", then left to the right.

Neal's head was in the clouds as it had not been since he'd first married Yuki the Enormous (only she hadn't been Yuki the Enormous at the time—if she had Neal wouldn't have married her). He was humming love songs and composing bad poetry like never before and it was all because a not-so-pretty thief had been whining and complaining about non-existent broken bones. He sighed and sighed again, his eyes shining.

"Neal pass me the barbecue pork chops," Yuki ordered sounding especially chubby (if you don't know what it's like when someone sounds chubby I can't describe it so you will have to be left in the dark). Shining eyed Neal passed the pork chops smiling goofily. 'I must find that not-so-pretty-yet-better-than-average-but-not-really-thief-girl,' thought Neal. He promptly sent out letters to everyone he knew about the not-so-pretty-yet-better-than-average-but-not-really-thief-girl. It took months, but the not-so-pretty-yet-better-than-average-but-not-really-thief-girl was finally found, but not really because Neal didn't know the place where she had been found, and if he did he wouldn't know how to get there. 'But,' he thought proudly, 'at least now I can say the apple of my eye lives in Westchester, Massachusetts.' After this thought he returned to his shiny eyed sighing state.

I feel that it is necessary to intrude upon my own story now. I first must apologize for the pathetic attempts at humor. My humor is normally pretty sarcastic which is hard to put on paper, slap stick humor is, too, hard to put in to words without losing something, so I turn to the genius of William Goldberg; the usage of parentheses, the italicized interruption, and the dry humor. Some of it is mine, but I'd like to tip my hat to Goldman and of course Tamora Pierce for letting us fan fiction authors mutilate her characters and turn them into our own. Speaking of characters I would also like to mention that the character Ani is based off of a friend of mine and she might stay close to the real thing or she will evolve into someone total different. All I do know is that my friend Ani will either condemn this story completely or embrace it whole-hearted OR silently tolerate it. But now I'm sure you want to get back to shiny eyed Neal's sighing and Ani twitchy eye and gypsy magic. (F.Y.I. Ani spelled phonetically is ah-NEE not a-nnie.)

Ani was wandering down the main street of Westchester, Massachusetts window shopping. She had been trying to figure out a way to spend her one thousand gold nobles she had paid off all her debts, put some away in savings, invested some, and with the rest she had decided to update her wardrobe. 'I'll be cutting edge,' thought Ani as she contemplated buying a skirt, tank top, and jean jacket. Two outfits later and her purse considerably lighter, Ani sat at an outdoor café slurping on a milk shake watching the world go by. Then she noticed one of the people that made up the world going by looked very familiar. Cold fear gripped her as she recognized the very familiar world going by-er. It was Nealan, the guy she'd robbed and whose money she was technically spending. He looked different than when she had last seen him, happier, more care free. Ani didn't see why he would be happier or more care free since he was accompanied by someone who looked like a bloated walrus and a crying, red-faced baby. She ducked her head as he turned in her direction, but as it always was with him, the duck came too late; he'd recognized her. He detached himself from the walrus and the red-faced baby and strode over to her.

"Well if it isn't the not-so-pretty-yet-better-than-average-but-not-really-thief-girl of Westchester, Massachusetts," he said nonchalantly.

"Umm….hi," mumbled Ani trying to stifle a nervous giggle that nearly escaped her. Silence ensued. Ani was in turmoil…she was ordering her mind to come up with something interesting to say but it refused to. She felt her ears getting red she wished, not for the first time, that her hair wasn't so frizzy. If it wasn't frizzy she could leave it down instead of pulled back into a pony tail and then it would hide her fire engine colored ears.

"How have you been?" he asked.

"Fine." What was wrong with her? She'd been comfortable enough robbing him blind, but then she hadn't really seen him (it had been dark). Now he was visible she was embarrassed, partly because he was hot, partly because she had robbed him.

"Well I guess I'd better be going," he said reluctantly. She watched him as he re-joined the walrus the baby feeling a little regretful she hadn't said more. Seized by an unknown impulse she dashed over to him scribbled where to find her on a piece of paper and shoved into his hand, then darted away. Neal was left staring blankly after her.

remember review review review