That special, deadly sparkle, did you see?
As the moonlight lay out to sleep on the snow
I still have strength, I can get off my knees…
I can still stand, still move, still go…

4
Becoming Closer

"Ow!"

"Hold still."

"Ahh!"

"This would go a lot faster if you'd hold still."

The skin on my arm wasn't so bad. Just an angry red from my fingers to my shoulder, with a few blisters, like a really bad sunburn. But the burns on my chest were a much deeper red, more badly blistered, a little swollen, and hellishly painful to Shino's touch as she smeared the slimy plant guts onto the area.

If it were Megumi or Jou-chan treating me, I'd have a few bumps on my head for my squirming to add to that list of injuries, but Shino was a never-ending fountain of patience. No less vindictive, though. She would actually wait until I sat still before she continued, and her hands were unmercifully thorough around those searingly painful blisters.

Actually…I was being unfair. She was just trying to be as fast as possible so I wouldn't have to endure it as long…

But it hurt!

It was amazing how the injuries hadn't really started bothering me until I began sweating under the bandages in the later afternoon sun, still carrying Shino on my back. It had begun as a mild discomfort, bandages worn too long rubbing against the painful spots, but had only an hour later become a line of liquid fire, almost making me drop the girl I carried to tear away at the strips for relief.

More to my irritation, Shino spouted a stream of apologizes, a bit shamefaced as she helped me unwind the them to let my skin breathe, as if it were somehow her fault.

Unable to stand it, I said through clenched teeth, "We know whose fault this is. I wish you'd just smack me upside the head and tell me I'm an idiot." That earned me a smile. At least she stopped looking so upset that she'd forgotten all about the burns.

The smile saved me, though, a little. The one she gave me was sweet, reached into her eyes. An little swell of happiness of my own for causing the smile. I lost myself in watching her, not realizing until she had finished rewrapping my chest that she was all done.

"I don't have anymore bandages for your arm," she said. "It'll have to go without until we can get some more."

"No problem," I murmured, my voice sounding kind of sleepy in my ears.

I froze when she suddenly knelt up and pressed her chin against my forehead. She knelt back down, three seconds later. "You have a fever," she said unhappily.

Oh. She had been checking for fever. With her lips. Like a girl. Who checks for fever. With her lips. Heh, heh. That was so endearing I couldn't say anything for almost an entire minute, and lost my powers of speech for even longer when she crawled away from me to dispose of the dirty bandages, then crawled back to sit beside me.

She was crawling because she couldn't walk, but…

She was, well…really cute.

So...cute.

"Sano? You're really flushed," she said worriedly. "Hmm…probably shouldn't go any further today. Let's just find a place to camp out here. All right?"

I nodded, still mute. It took willpower to touch her, letting her climb onto my back again as we sought out a spot away from the road, what comfort or safety to be found by heading into the woods.

I quickly deposited her under the trees we chose, glad to get away from her for just a few minutes under the guise of getting firewood.

As soon as I was sure she couldn't see me, I leaned against a tree and covered my face.

Oh, God. Damn. What was wrong with me? What was she doing to me?

I backtracked a little in my mind. I was fine when she was touching me, cool and slender hands on my skin. Whatever I might feel, it was normal. She was a very pretty girl… Looked like Kenshin, but that wasn't her fault…

But she just, well, not exactly pouted when she discovered I was feverish, but the way her mouth drew down…and then she kind of scuttled along on her hands and knees…

…and I just…just melted inside like some kind of lovesick little--

It put my left hand over my right, rubbing against some of the blisters, hoping the pain would clear my head. Not much of a chance of that. She was right. Neglecting my injuries, running around and getting drunk, staying up all night, carrying somebody around all day. I was a little sick. And being sick made me think silly things. Feel silly things. Things I wouldn't feel normally.

Biting my lip, I cast about, looking for a more stabilizing image. I caught it, irritated it was Megumi, but she'd do just the same. Megumi, her sultriness, her fire. Hot and tough. Other women I had been attracted to had been similar. The ones that had spice to lovemaking and heat and bite to their words and touch.

There was no way in hell I could be getting all goofy over the innocent movements of an injured red-headed girl. Or so enthralled by her that I could be stricken speechless. Or blush. God, I don't blush. I've never blushed in my life! It was the damn fever flustering me. That was all.

Feeling a little better, even if they were just oh-so-obvious lies I'd told myself, I went back with the firewood. I was shaking as I tried to build the fire, so she came and built it for me. "Go lie down," she urged, eyes large with concern.

It sounded like a pretty good idea, so I did.

He was going to drown!

I could see the land, coming closer, but Kenshin, idiot, idiot, Kenshin--! I held onto his wrists, could see his hands were turning white, but I couldn't let go. I was sure if I loosened my grip even the slightest he slip off the piece of wood we were wrapped around and I'd lose him. The violent jaws of the ocean would swallow him up.

Another wave rose, almost covering me. It did cover Kenshin, who as much shorter than I and sagging feebly into the water besides. Listlessly, he held his chin up at first, breathed again when he came back up, but then sank back down. His eyes moved to me, so serene and unfocused that panic filled me.

I screamed at him, but he only smiled. It's all right. It'll be all right. Sano.

Another wave crashed into us, and I had to jerk at Kenshin to bring his head above water. He came up choking and sputtering. I shouted at him again. This time he didn't even open his eyes.

I tightened my grip, some obscure voice in the back of my head reminding me I could break his wrists if I didn't let up, but I couldn't think past the idea that if I just held on everything would be all right. Just hold on.

I jolted awake twice without ever having realized I was drifting off, afraid that I might have let go of Kenshin, but my hands were still locked over his. The sea was violent, but I was drowsy with thirst. My eyes stung with debris I had no free hand to rub away.

An eternity passed this way before I felt sand, sand beneath my toes, then my heels. Firm ground. I released one of Kenshin's arms, pushed away the hunk of wood that had been all that was left of our boat, and held onto him tightly, kicking out with all the strength I had left.

"Almost there, Kenshin. Almost," I said hoarsely.

Another wave slammed down on us, pulling me underwater, and Kenshin with me. My knees and free arm scrabbled in the sand. I was so tired.

God damn it all, Sanosuke, you've got to get Kenshin out of the water! I struggled to stand again, my legs and arms numb and heavy, my head light, vision swimming.

The next time I collapsed to my knees, the waves still licked at my feet, but could no longer really reach us. It was the best I could do…

I knelt on the beach and gagged water, then flipped my friend onto his stomach and beat his back until he did the same. He spit up a great deal of water, more than such a small man should be able to hold. But after a few minutes, he finally lay still, just breathing.

He opened his eyes, focusing blearily on me. He smiled at me with cracked lips. I grinned back. We'd made it.

"It's okay now," he said, his voice so low and raspy I almost couldn't hear him. "Sanosuke…little brother…"

His eyes closed again, shoulders relaxing. I lay beside him, blinking, staring at his face as the world dipped unsteadily around me, as if I was still floating in the water.

"Little brother"? I laughed. Exactly who had been the strong one this time?

…Well, he had of course. He was always the strongest. I was still mad at him for going thirsty, only pretending to drink our reserve of water, and mad at myself for not noticing he was leaving it all for me…but I'd yell at him about that later.

For now… I put my hand on his arm and squeezed gently. Just this once, it was okay to think of him as my big brother. Not all the time, though. No way I could give him an excuse to try to protect me like that again.

Not that Kenshin ever needed an excuse to protect someone…

It felt as though I'd only closed my eyes for a moment, a simple, long blink and it was darker, almost night. I started, trying to sit up. Something was wrong.

Shouldn't…shouldn't someone have come? I frowned, scanning the empty beach. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Someone should've found us by now.

I reached out and touched Kenshin's shoulder and snatched my hand back immediately. His skin was like ice!

"Kenshin!" I grabbed his shoulder again, ignoring the chill of him in my alarm. I shook him hard. "Kenshin? Kenshin!"

Truly panicked now, I grabbed him up, turned him over on his back, distantly hearing my voice rising with violent curses and useless pleading. I held my hand under his nose, pressed my ear to his icy chest. No breath, no heartbeat.

I went completely still and forgot to breath myself. Kenshin…

…his hair was stiff with the salt and full of sand, his youthful face set in a gentle expression, like he'd just fallen asleep sunbathing…No, my mind denied, quietly at first, then the denials got louder and more vocal and completely incoherent, even to me until I realized that I didn't have a hold of Kenshin anymore. Someone had a hold of me, someone was shaking me and calling over my own cries.

I shut up and blinked, only seeing deep purple eyes staring into mine, and feeling fingernails digging into my shoulders.

"K…Kenshin?"

The hands loosened. "Shino," she corrected softly. "Are you awake, Sanosuke?"

I nodded, and she moved to one side, so that the firelight could burn away the darkness that hid her face. Her face, youthful like Kenshin's. She looked seventeen, not thirty-three.

"A bad dream?" she murmured rhetorically, brushing her chin against my forehead. "You're still hot."

She said I was hot, but how could that possibly be when I was so chilled? She must have seen the shivering I was trying to suppress, because she pulled the blanket I hadn't noticed was there more tightly around my shoulders.

"Okay…it's okay," she said, putting an arm around me as I sat up to share her own heat with me.

I grimaced, feeling like a sick little kid she was comforting. But her scent was so soothing to me I was content to let her continue.

Kenshin is all right, I told myself firmly. He's at home. At home. We survived that shipwreck, I reminded myself I remembered very clearly it was still daylight when some fishers from the nearby village helped us out. Kenshin woke up by that afternoon, a bit weak, but he recovered just fine.

"You were calling for your friend again," Shino said gently.

"It was just…a bad dream."

"Did he drown?"

"What?" I looked down at her, surprised.

"You kept saying, 'He's gonna drown, he's gonna drown!'" she explained. "Then you were begging him to breath."

I shook my head, but even I wasn't sure what I was denying. "No, he…we… There was a shipwreck. So stupid…both of us. Shouldn't have been there in the first place. It's my fault, about the water. We had a little jug, squeezed rainwater from our clothes into it. We were supposed to share it, but he wasn't drinking any. He tricked me, wanted me to have almost all of it. My fault. Didn't realize it until it was too late. I should have. He was sick and sleepy all the time, didn't want to eat or stay awake for very long. I should have known. He was too tired to swim when the boat sank. Stupid, stupid, fool! I'm not some little brother he had to protect. His life was worth every bit as much as mine! What right did that little bastard have to say which of us should live or--"

"Stop."

And just like that, my not-entirely-coherent babbling ceased. I opened my mouth again slightly when she rested her head on my shoulder, her other arm still around me.

"You're quite a hothead," she commented quietly. "You had a friend who cared so much about you he'd go thirsty for your sake?" She paused. "I think I'm beginning to see…"

"See what?"

"Why you want to help me just because I remind you of him. He sounds like he was…a really great friend."

I nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry you lost him, Sano."

But I didn't. I didn't lose him. Not really. And wasn't some form of him with me right now?

I looked down at her red hair, resisted the urge to rest my chin on it to be more comfortable.

I will not use the word "cute" again, I growled inwardly.

I could try to blame it on the fever, but…

I can't help it. She was.

"Sano, I don't suppose you'd be willing to admit that you're lost…?"

"I am not lost, Shino!"

"But we've passed those two trees with the rock between them four times now--"

"I said I'm not lost!"

"The fork we've come to three times now is just ahead. Maybe you should go right instead of left this time?"

"Damn it, you little carrot-topped-- If you knew where to go, why didn't you just tell me? Why are you making that noise? Wait a minute. Shino, are you snickering at me?"

"…ah…n-no, Sanosuke-san."

"Don't you 'Sanosuke-san' me! You're riding me around like I'm a pack horse, you've been letting me wander around when you knew which way to go, and now you're laughing at me?"

"So you're lost, then?"

"I'M NOT LOST!"

"Um. Okay. …Sano?"

"What?"

"You went left at the fork again."

Authors note:

Chapter got delayed for holiday-related stuff. Oh, joy: seven chapters to go and the deadline coming forward to throttle me. What's that you say? Ask my cousin for an extension?

I did. Her response? She just smiled sweetly and said, "You can do it, Krissy."

I'd cry, but I don't have the energy. Oh, well.