Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me, no cards... no presents... and I'm spending the evening pretending not to exist. Yes people, today I am 21 years old.
Give me a gift: I currently have 39 reviews for this fiction. I would like 21 reviews for 21 years... putting me at 60. The 60th reviewer gets a slice of birthday cake! So go on, hit the review button.
This chapter: is another in between chapter. sigh I was hoping to post a more exciting one (like the next two) on my birth day. The theme of this chapter is despair. Also, look for more hints regarding our mysterious dark prince: Blaise Zabini. Can you piece together what happened yet?
Readers, I need your help: In addition to 21 reviews for 21 years, I am having an enormous bout of writers block. I'm on chapter 15 right now and I just don't know how to end the stupid thing and resolve the conflict. Ideas? Also, I got my first flame.. not on this fiction but on 'Summer days'... a brainless stupid fic about my favorite HP character: Snape. Don't read it, it's terrible. You'll lose all respect for me. What should I do with the flame? Delete it? Reply? Hmmm...
Reviewers: Since I got a good deal of you this time round, please see replies to your comments at the end of the chapter. Thank you for your loyalty, and please continue to encourage me with your reviews.
Chapter ten: Those who lived
"And then he said 'If god wants Voldemort dead, he can come down here and kill him himself.'" Harry finished, then kicked the rock he'd been toeing as he orated the post-lecture discussion of that morning.
It was Saturday, thankfully, and so after the discussion had ended, Harry got off the floor and began to contemplate the conversation. He'd pondered the good and evil vs. power arguments before, and decided Voldemort was mistaken; But he'd never thought of evil in relation to God before. Confused, Harry decided to seek guidance on the matter and went to visit Hagrid.
"Ere yer go honeybee." Hagrid said, throwing another dead rat into the field near the quiditch pitch, where his new charge was enjoying the task of finding the food blindfolded.
"Are you listening, Hagrid? What am I supposed to say to that? ... The Dursleys never cared about religion to teach me anything."
"Don' pay 'im no mind, 'Arry." Hagrid said, turning to face Harry at last.
"It makes me wonder about some things though...." Harry said.
Harry knelt down to pat the head of the basilisk, which had just deposited a dead rat at his feet.
"Good honeybee." He said, patting her head.
After the talk this morning, Harry and Ginny left to collect the basilisk they'd hidden in an empty class room over night. They took it to Hagrid's house. Harry told him they had found the basilisk near the entrance to the forbidden forest, and she was in need of someone to take care of her. Harry felt bad lying to Hagrid about her, but because the errand he had been running had been for Hermione's life debt, he was bound to keep it all a secret.
Hagrid had been ecstatic to receive a basilisk, and so far had been pampering her with his full attention and a boat load of fresh meat. Harry didn't know if it was possible, but it seemed as if Honeybee, as Hagrid had dubbed her, for her yellow and black coloring and peculiar predilection for flowers, was larger than she had been last night.
She was a baby, that was true, but she was still around ten feet long, and twice as thick as an anaconda, with a much larger head. Her bulbous yellow eyes were closed and hidden beneath a blind fold Hagrid had harnessed to her head, so as not to scare the rest of the students. He and Harry alone believed Honeybee was harmless, but they knew the rest of the students would not be so accepting of her, with the memories of the terror the monster of slytherin had inspired fresh in their minds.
"The monster of Slytherin.." Harry reflected. "Riddle and the diary... The pain Ginny went through..." He paused for a moment, still patting Honeybee idly. "Professor Lupin's lycanthropy... Voldemort's resurrection.... Cedric's death... and... and... Sirius." He shut his eyes tightly. "Hagrid.. why do bad things have to happen? Why couldn't God make the world a peaceful place where no one was evil, and no one was sad?"
Hagrid took a seat on the log Harry was sitting on, causing Harry's end to shift upward, and nearly unseating the boy who lived. Hagrid was silent for a time, watching the forbidden forest's leafless branches creek in the wind.
"Winter holiday is almost 'ere." Hagrid commented sadly.
"Hagrid.." Harry began impatiently.
"Used to wonder the same thing. Thought I was cursed or summ'it. Mi mum leaving.. mi dad dying.. gettin' expelled an' all... Why did everything 'ave ter 'appen ter me?"
Harry looked up at Hagrid hopefully.
"Don' 'ave a simple answer fer yer Harry... tsnot an easy question is't?"
Harry sighed and shook his head.
Honeybee rested her own head in Harry's lap, hissing contentedly as he pet her.
"What troubles you?" She said.
"How do you know anything is wrong?" Harry asked her.
"I smell tension and taste sadness." She replied.
"We're... discussing... loss." He didn't know how rhetorical snakes could be, and didn't want to confuse her.
"I didn't know what to think when my mother did not return... I was alone for so long. Then the gate opened, and I saw her there...."
"I'm sorry." Harry said. "That you had to see that."
Honeybee didn't answer for a time, but eventually said: "I'm not. Because I had never seen the light before, or the outside of my coven.... And it was worth it to go out and be free like this."
Harry looked down at her, her eyes still covered with the mask, and frowned.
"But you can't see right now."
"Yesss... But when I do, at night when that giant takes me inside... it makes up for the time in darkness."
"'was that she's sayin' there 'Arry?" Hagrid asked with interest.
"The best advice I've heard all day." Harry answered, smiling.
It didn't matter what Zabini thought, or what had happened in the past, because he couldn't change any of it. Tom Riddle became what he was because he dwelled on the past, and allowed despair to consume him. Unknowingly, Harry had begun to do the same thing, allowing his grief to swallow him whole and pulling him into the downward spiral of depression so deep, it was all he could do to keep himself from falling apart. It wasn't until Hermione described Tom Riddle during their conversation this morning, described his feelings, and Harry had retorted saying they were the same as his that Harry realized.... They were the same as his.
And suddenly, he was lost.. for that moment.. as the comprehension of what he had just said dawned on him, and he professed his intention to the entire Gryffindor common room, to kill another individual. The same.
He shuddered, completely galvanized, but no one seemed to notice, thankfully. He used the rest of the argument to try to think of something that could absolve him of this mental crisis... and it came to him. Dumbledore had said he was different because of his choices... and at that moment, he asked Hermione what to do so he did not, yet again, make the wrong decision.
Now, as he sat here petting the monster of Slytherin, he realized there was an entirely different reason he was not the same, and the thought had made him smile. He wasn't alone. He still had his friends and they were still loyal to him... they still loved him. He didn't have to brand the people around him to get them to stay close to him. Nothing could replace Sirius, or his parents, but it was an insult to those who continued to support him to say that he was alone.
What was important was to look towards the future and try to salvage the rest of his life. For the first time since Sirius died, Harry's heart lightened a little.
"Oh yea? What advice issat?" Hagrid asked.
"Appreciation." Harry answered, expertly removing the harness that covered the Basilisk's eyes.
Large Bulbous yellow orbs, broken only by two vertical black slits blinked open at him, and winked.
Harry smiled.
"Thank you Honeybee... one day.. you and I will go somewhere, and you won't have to wear that mask anymore."
The serpent laid it's head back down on his lap in response, not noticing the silent vow her master renewed at that moment: To see this war through to the end, and ensure the well being of as many people as possible, including her.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"I tell you, I was utterly shocked." McGonagall was saying as she paced the study. "I couldn't believe he let his students talk to him that way."
"Severus has always given Misters Zabini and Malfoy leeway... he was there throughout their upbringing after all... Mr. Zabini in particular... well, you know the story."
"Speaking of which, with a temper like that and so much power, shouldn't we be restricting his social interactions a bit more?"
Dumbledore laughed and shook his head.
"This was one of the many hopes I had for this arrangement, Minerva. I have provided Mr. Zabini with alternative exit strategies from Gryffindor tower should he need them, but all should be well." McGonagall did not look convinced.
"Perhaps..." continued Dumbledore. "It is Ms. Granger you are worried about?"
She said nothing.
"Minerva..." Dumbledore stood up from his desk and joined her by the study window. "Wouldn't we all like to shield those we love from any harm. I myself went out of my way to shield Harry... and look what happened as a result? If I had simply told him...."
"Sirius Black's death was not your fault, Albus... and nor were the Potters'.." She snapped at him sharply.
Dumbledore only sighed in response.
"I wanted him to be happy for once, Minerva... After everything he'd been through, I thought that at least.. while he was here... he could be happy." Dumbledore shook his head sadly.
Minerva snorted, staring out onto the grounds, where Harry and Hagrid were throwing dead rats to Hagrid's new pet.
"What is happiness?" She asked rhetorically.
"Mmmm." Dumbledore hummed while popping a lemon drop into his mouth. "What you make it."
"What is that supposed to mean?" She asked sharply.
"It means, that two different people could experience the same situation and come away from it with two very different feelings. Reality is not and can never be an absolute... it is as the individual experiences it." All the sudden Dumbledore blinked, turned to Professor McGonagall with a kind of surprised expression, and burst into a hearty chuckle.
"I do believe, my good professor McGonagall, that I have just been subject to 'a taste of my own medicine' as they say."
Minerva smiled slyly.
"Oh? I'm not aware I did anything remotely manipulative..." She said primly, unable to keep a smirk off her face.
"Indeed, you merely asked a question to which you knew I would respond in such a way so as to contradict my previous assertion of responsibility over Harry's happiness. You are correct Minerva, it is indeed up to Harry to decide whether he spends his life in joy or despair, as a matter of how he chooses to perceive the events that take place."
"You've every right to worry... I mean look at the similarities... Orphans, raised by magic-hating muggles, friendless as children, bullied, the list goes on and on. I myself was worried sick during his sorting, but in the end he chose Gryffindor."
"Oh, and does choosing Slytherin forsake him of hope?"
"Albus!" Minerva replied impatiently. "Do you see any hope in Slytherin house?"
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled, and his beard twitched.
McGonagall snorted.
"You turned it around on me in the end, old man." Minerva said, smirking at her employer and friend. Then she frowned. "But that Zabini boy..."
"Has made a friend... even if he didn't mean to... and if anyone can bring him out of his shell it is Hermione. Look at what she did for Victor Krum."
"She does seem to have a predilection for the dark and brooding. That should change..."
"Oh? Perhaps you prefer a more blond and patrician type for her?" Dumbledore chuckled at McGonagall's sharp look.
"Well, Mr. Malfoy's actions certainly were not expected, and while they are a pleasant surprise.. Oh look at us, we're too old to be gossiping over student relationships like wasteful teenagers!" Dumbledore chuckled.
"I find it rather refreshing." Dumbledore admitted, his eyes following the baby basilisk as it wound its way through the field expertly.
"There are more important things to be worried about at the moment... What about the school?"
"Perhaps a staff meeting this afternoon would be prudent, there seems to be a lot going on at the moment to discuss."
"Agreed, I shall alert the staff." McGonagall said primly, then turned to leave. She paused at the door. "And Mr. Zabini?"
"I do not believe Blaise will hurt Hermione, at least, not in the way you are imagining." McGonagall made an impatient noise. "Minerva... he is still a human being, no matter what –uh- gifts he was born with. We cannot write him off because of his background...."
"Albus.." McGonagall cut him off. "Blaise Zabini proved himself capable of murder at the age of ten."
"That was an exceptional circumstance Minerva.. as I have explained."
"The boy is dangerous, Albus! And..." McGonagall seemed to be choosing her words carefully. "He isn't Severus, Albus... It isn't as simple as bringing him away from the dark side, he..."
Dumbledore sighed heavily.
"What would you have me do, expel him for daring to befriend a Gryffindor? Who else would he befriend, he's completely ostracized by those in his own house.. all of them know his past."
"No.. but.. Well... he is only here by your leave and..." She trailed off, willing Dumbledore to understand what she was getting at.
"I will think on it, Minerva." He said, and faced the window again.
She sighed and exited.
"But I wish you would learn, that not everything is at it is first thought to be." Dumbledore said to the empty room, his eyes still following the Monster of Slytherin as it played with the boy who lived.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ron looked up as a familiar face appeared at the library doors. He sighed guiltily, and got up from his study table. Moving swiftly through the rows of books, he made his way towards the girl he'd loved his entire life.
After the fight, he'd left the common room in a huff, but quickly he started to feel guilty. Who was he to react with such self-centeredness after everything that had transpired between them. He stayed in the library, knowing she had a book to return, and hoping to catch her... to tell her he was sorry.
She spotted him before he was in speaking range, and rolled her eyes. Turning, she made to leave before he could talk to her and say what he needed to say.
"Ginny, wait." He called, making her pause.
His little sister. His only younger sibling. Ron had always felt that he, more than any of his other siblings, had a duty to protect Ginny. More than that, he adored her more than he ever let anyone know.
"Make it quick Ron, I'm expecting Riddle to possess me anytime now." She snapped, still not turning to look at him.
"About that, I'm sorry alright?" And he really meant it.
"No, it's not alright." She snapped back in a hiss, turning on her heel furiously to face him. "It most certainly is not alright!"
Madame Pince was boring holes into their heads from her position behind the check out desk.
Ginny glared at her defiantly.
Ron took Ginny's hand and led her out of the library before the famous Weasley temper got them both in detention.
Out in the hall way, she wrenched her wrist from his grasp.
"How dare you." She snapped. "You don't get it at all do you? My first year here at Hogwarts and I can't remember half of it! You'll never understand what it's like to think your mad, and to find out that you nearly killed a load of innocent people... including your best friend! You think that's easy for me to remember! You think it doesn't hurt me to bring it up! And my own brother just shoves it in my face when he sees fit."
"Ginny... I..."
"No, you shut up and listen to me!" She hissed, making passers-by hurry away in fright. It was obvious this was something she'd been holding in for ages.
"You sit there and imagine how it is for me... waking up every night from nightmares of setting a giant snake on your classmates... dreaming of Riddle's hands bursting from your chest as he climbs out of your body, killing you slowly in the process, because I'll tell you Ron, that's exactly how it felt when it happened.
"But you.. .you came and got your lovely special award for services to the school. Ginny is alive, so she must be ok!" She said in a mock happy voice. "Well I wasn't ok! And I haven't been ever since. I tried so hard to forget it... I forced myself to act normal... but I was never the same...
"Even so..." Her voice had become a whisper. "Even so... After all of that... who has more right to hate him? You or I, Ronald?"
She fell silent.
Ron was gaping at her, unable to believe she'd kept all this in so long. And then he felt even guiltier for not protecting her from it all, and not making sure she was taken care of afterward.
"You." He replied, frowning deeply with guilt.
"That's right... me. And you know what?" He shook his head. "I don't hate him. Because I, more than anyone, understand what it was to be him... because I was him... because even though I regret with all my heart attacking those people.... at the time... I hated them with every fiber of my being... I hated them and wanted them dead..." She smiled sadly.
"Even Hermione... I wanted them all dead for existing, for daring to look happy... for having muggle parents who accepted their magic, and didn't hate them for it, for having parents at all... I hated them, like it was me." Tears gathered in her eyes. "I don't feel sorry for myself that I was possessed. I feel sorry for myself only when I forget that it wasn't me it all happened to; When I forget that I wasn't the orphan.. when I forget I wasn't slytherin.. that's the only time I feel bad... when I hate... everyone... And when I forget, I don't hate anyone as much as I hate myself."
She looked up at her brother.
"That's why I cannot hate Tom Riddle... he hates himself more than anyone else.. and." She actually smiled sadly. "something Blaise said this morning made me realize... maybe that's why he's doing all of this. Maybe he destroys, because he wants to be destroyed. Like calls to like."
Ron blinked at her.
"I'm sorry Gin... I'm sorry I failed you like that..." He couldn't look at her now.
Ginny inspected her brother closely, and smiled at him. She couldn't stay angry with him, and a lot of what she'd just said was venting, not really directed at anybody.
Being in the chamber of secrets again last night had been a greater strain on her emotions that she had thought it would. Last night in her dreams, she had relived all the moments she'd spent as Tom Riddle, opening the chamber, conversing with the basilisk in parcel tongue, and ordering it to attack her fellow students. Only to find herself in the chamber, laying on her back and watching, in horror, as a sixteen year old boy was born from her chest... as her sole was ripped from her body to create him. Just thinking about it made her sick with nausea and her skin crawled in disgust.
More than even that horrible memory, however, the complete despair haunted her. The absolute hopelessness of being Tom Riddle was the real curse of the diary. And in those dreams, Ginny became something not-human.... A sociopath, with absolutely nothing to lose. And Tom Riddle lived that reality, every day of his life.
It wasn't Ron's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault except perhaps Lucious Malfoy's. And even then, Ginny did not hate anyone or blame anyone for it. In a way she was glad it happened, because she was stronger because of it.
Ron was still looking at her with great apprehension and grief. She hugged him. He returned the gesture and held it.
"Still." Ron said. "If Riddle wants death, why doesn't he just kill himself?"
"He thought about it loads... and he was prepared to do it a few times... but one thing always stopped him."
"What was that?" Ron sounded like he wasn't sure he wanted to know.
"His mother. She died giving birth to him you know... and even though he was miserable.. and he hated life... he told himself he had to live, both his share and her's... That was the duty of those who lived."
"Those who lived...." Ron repeated thoughtfully. After a pause he said. "Do you know what the mirror of Erised is?" Ginny shook her head, while backing away and ending their embrace. "It's a mirror that shows you what you are most desperate for... and Harry.. he saw his parents."
Ginny put a hand to her mouth and looked away, feeling distinctly ashamed of herself. She gave a fake little snort.
"I keep forgetting... no matter how bad it is for me, it's ten times worse for Harry. I don't know how he keeps going."
"He said the same thing about you, you know?" Ron said, looking down at his little sister lovingly. He hoped for her, that one day Harry might return her affection. If there was ever a man that deserved her, it was his best friend.
Ginny smiled.
"Harry said.." Ron continued. "That if it weren't for us... you and me and Hermione.. that he might've chosen that route. That if he hadn't met me on the train, he might've shaken Draco Malfoy's hand in friendship, and been a Slytherin right now. Riddle didn't have anyone supporting him, he shut himself away from other people and never let himself feel anything for anyone. I think..." Ron paused, his ears turning pink. "You were right Gin, you and Hermione. Riddle is a product of his environment... but that doesn't mean we can stop fighting him."
"No... I know we can't."
"I just.." his whole face was red now. "I just don't want anyone to die... I'm sick of people getting hurt. It's just like mum said 'half the family is in the order... we'll be lucky if one of us doesn't die.' I don't want anything else to happen to the people I care about." Ginny patted his back encouragingly.
"I don't know what's worse Ron... being the victim, or being the survivor.. I would hate to be like Harry... and carry the guilt of surviving...First his parents then Cedric, and then... Sirius.... He has to carry the weight of living for those he's watched die." There was silence for a time, as the two youngest Weasley's contemplated what had been said.
"Dear lord," Ron whispered at last, putting a protective arm around his sister. "Please, let us be neither one."
"Amen."
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Argh this chapter bites! But I needed to give some attention to the other characters and their thoughts and feelings, because very shortly you aren't going to see any of them (winter break is coming up, for myself and the characters) Plus, it'll be important later on in the story.
On with the replies:
Bludiamond: Hope this chapter didn't disappoint. If you want tension tho, wait till the next chapter where the tension is so palpable you can cut it with a knife.
Jewel: I'm honored by your words. Almost cried? Wow. It makes me really happy to know people are taking the conflict to heart. Actually, the words Blaise spoke in the last chapter are exactly how I used to feel. What Harry said in this chapter was a revelation I also had in a similar circumstance. Basically, the characters will go through the process of discovering the same spiritual development as I did... (write what you know, as they say) and I hope others can grow from it. Even if you didn't review before, I appreciate the one you gave me, and hope to hear from you more.
Harrys lover: Ron was angry that Hermione and Ginny were defending Tom Riddle and the Slytherins. He doesn't believe they deserve excuses, that's why he got angry. I hope this chapter resolved a little of that for you.
Xeled: If you like conflict, more of it is on the way.
Ehlonna: Thank you for your conjecture. I named Professor Sinistra: Ursula, because she is not given a first name or age in the book. I decided on Ursula because it is a famous constellation and she is an astronomy teacher. As for Professor Sinistra and Blaise's relationship... you'll see. (muwhoahahahha)
You picked up on the betrayal section where others didn't, good job. BIG HINT: The betrayal Blaise and Draco talked about has NOTHING to do with Voldemort. Do you see where this is going now with the other BIG HINT given in this chapter. (I take great pleasure in sustaining this secrets) Thanks for the review and keep it up.
Draco-severus-mmm: Yes, I corrected the spellings in this chapter and I plan on correcting the spellings in the previous ones and separating the sequences a little better. Thanks for the critique. As for the bathroom scene, it was supposed to by mysterious until Myrtle showed up. If it was unclear after Myrtle showed up, then that is my bad as a writer.
Ammiva: Did you not agree with Hermione's assessment? I'm curious as to what you believe made Voldemort the way he is then (seriously... at the end of this book there is a huge scene where voldemort's feeling are thrown into sharp relief, and I'd love some input) Glad you like Blaise, he's my favorite... and you are the only one whose noticed that despite his cold exterior, he's an angry angry person. If you like Blaise antagonizing Snape, wait till the next chapter. Keep reviewing!
Veryimpressedreader: The best? Are you serious? -blushes- I highly doubt that. If you want "the best" I'd suggest something on my favorite's list... The story didn't start out as well as I had hoped.. but I'm hoping it'll get better. Keep reviewing.
Rain: Don't despair! You'll become the dark lord! If you're hoping for more Blaise/Hermione action, it's not over! And don't worry, you'll get a whole lot of Draco's thoughts and feelings thereabout chapter 17 when the synergy potion yields an unforeseen result. (Muwhoahahhaha) Did you figure out what's up with Blaise and Draco yet? You'll get a lot more in chapter 14 (As promised).. See if you can't help me with the above request while you're at it. Thanks for the loyalty.
Nevermind, broken hearts, unclear-meaning, Faydra, avi-07, Ashley, Sarah, Nathonea, Ravens-Jade, Rulerofthedisenchantedforest, halcyona: THANK YOU! Even if I didn't personalize your messages, I still appreciate each and everyone of your reviews. Let's go for 21!