Chapter 6

"Mark, my streaking through the Parthenon shouldn't be the main thing you remember about me," Collins wheezed out a smile as he clasped my hand. We had been reminiscing about our times together, and I had reminded him of his antic.

"Well, it's certainly hard to forget! We had to keep you hidden for nearly a month before the police stopped looking for you."

Collins' laugh turned into a bad cough. I handed him the glass of water he kept next to his bed, but he shook his head.

"Wouldn't keep me around much longer, anyways."

I swallowed hard and looked away. Why did he insist upon mentioning his death?

Collins noticed my discomfort. "This is bothering you."

It was my turn to shake MY head. "No...I mean, yes, but not JUST this." God, Mark, don't lay your troubles on a dying man.

"Let me guess—Roger, right?" I nodded.

Collins sighed. "I tried talking to him—the others too, but mainly him. You're really the only one who can get through to him."

"He doesn't want to talk to me anyway," I muttered.

Collins smiled weakly, but behind it, I saw the inner strength he always emitted. "Look. I know Roger is...well...a bit peeved at you for leaving."

"Pissed as a hornet," I cracked. "I've never seen him like this, Collins. He—he barely yelled at me. When we were roommates, whenever we fought, he'd always yell and scream and all...this silence is really worse than any of that."

Collins was quiet, looking past me to the stain-free walls. "You—you don't agree with him, do you?" I asked.

Collins looked into my eyes. "Mark," he whispered. "Why did you really leave the East Village?"

I shrugged. I felt no need to defend myself around Collins. "I dunno...I got the job offer, and it was cheaper to move to midtown than to commute."

He shook his head. "That's not why. You traveled at least once a week to see me, paid MY fairs to see YOU, and never once complained about the money." He paused. "Plus, when you visited, you ONLY saw me. I never once heard you mention visiting Roger, Mimi, Maureen, Joanne, or even Benny."

"I...I just...never really felt like it..." It was a truthful answer, though somewhat vague. I was quiet for a moment, thinking. Finally, I looked Collins in the eyes.

"I never really thought of why I left so suddenly, but I didn't think it would be for good. I expected the others to feel the same way, y'know?" Collins nodded, not saying anything. "I...I knew we couldn't last like that forever."

"Like what?"

"Like...like how we did on New Year's Rockin' Eve, remember? Like how we did that next Christmas Eve. Connected. A family."

"So you left?"

I nodded. Maybe I had known this all along, but new revelations came with hearing myself voice each word. "I knew...Mimi's 'scare' was a wake-up call to all of us. Even Benny, I think, though he wasn't actually there. I sorta...accepted the fact that one day, she would die. One day, Roger would die. One day," I paused to swallow the lump in my throat, "you would die."

Collins nodded. "Everyone has to accept those facts...even those of us who aren't faced with our own mortality each day of our lives."

I sighed. "I...uh, I planned to come back. Save for you, the only people left were couples. They had each other. I knew that whenever Roger or Mimi died, the other one would be devastated." I chuckled. "They're not exactly people who act rationally in times of crisis. So, I tried to save my money. I figured when the worst happened to whomever it happened to, I'd come home, come back to the loft, and take care of the survivor—"

"Just like you did before," Collins finished my thought. "Because that's your role."

I nodded. It was getting harder to speak, harder to look him straight in the eyes. Fortunately, Collins continued.

"I had a feeling that was what was going on. You were leaving out of selflessness, not selfishness. You wanted to give the others their time together, and when it was over, go back to taking care of the living." He paused. "I think the others may have misinterpreted your generosity, Mark."

My ears were burning, as well as the corners of my eyes. I wished he'd stop making me out to be some sort of Superman. That wasn't the plan.

"My only question is...why you, Mark? Why not Maureen, Joanne, Benny? They'll still be here, too."

Collins had been whispering the whole time, his voice raspy with fatigue. But when I finally replied,

And when I capture it on film, will it mean that it's the end—

my own words were barely audible.

"Because...I'm alone."

—And I'm alone?