I Need You So Much Closer

A/N: I hope I didn't scare off readers by the total fuck-up of formatting that the last chapter had for like a day and a half. Finally, I thought it was all fixed, and then realized that the bottom part had gone missing. So, go back and make sure you read the end. It was Manny/Spin related. P.S. I can't wait until I finally find a chapter worthy of 'She Will Be Loved.' That's one of those few pop songs that are truly incredible.

Chapter 2: Somewhere Only We Know

Disclaimer: 'Somewhere Only We Know' owned by Keane. Degrassi owned by Epitome and CTV.

I yawn slightly and check the clock again. It's only 6. Sean won't be done for 4 hours. There is absolutely nothing for me to do except sit around and wait, which is the absolute worst. I could go visit JT, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for whatever he has to say to me. I decide that I'll go take a walk, maybe visit Toby and take him somewhere.

I sit in my car for a long time, the keys in the ignition, but I just can't turn it on. I don't feel like driving, but I don't feel like going back inside. I pull them out, hard, and open my door in the same motion. I slam my door as if I'm terribly angry with my car and storm away from it.

I remember finding a path to Sean's from my house when we were "seeing each other." I almost forgot about it until my feet found themselves treading in the same familiar dirt. My lips form themselves into the first smile I've had in awhile. Back then, I believed everything so complicated and tangled. Little did I know, right? Looking back on it, I still can't believe half the shit that's happened.

I broke up with the most amazing and caring person on the planet for … I don't know. I love Sean with every ounce of my being, but it seems so trite. Sometimes, it even seems cliché. I'm the cliché. This amazing and caring person is now amazingly insane and even in a mental hospital. I'm practically married, and my boyfriend/husband has to work a real job so we can pay bills. And we're barely 18. My best friend is dead. She killed herself because I couldn't save her. If I wrote a book, no one would believe it. There's no way so much pain could have been inflicted on one human being.

The path leads me to the Don River. Toronto's surrounded by water, and this is just the start of it. A seat beckons me near the bank of the river, and I soon find myself surrounded by wet dirt and leaves. The experience I get here is sort of life-altering. It's as if my being leaves my body and takes shelter in nature. I know how crazy I must seem, crazier than JT even, but it all makes sense to me. Every single damn thing I've ever thought makes sense to me.

Why can't I be happy? I am young. I'm in love. I am free. I am talented. I have a bright fucking future. I don't yearn for any certain thing. Am I really free? Maybe I'm not free. Maybe I'm more trapped than those with the strictest parents.

I need to go see Toby.

"I walked across an empty land,
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand,
I felt the earth beneath my feet,
Sat by the river and it made me complete."

I feel my body tense as it does before something brutal happens. It always does. My muscles are, like, psychic or something. It's weird. I hear the faint ting of pebbles being thrown at my window. Just as I suspected, it's Ash. I walk over to the window and slam it open. "Give me a minute," I whisper loud enough for her to hear. It's dusk, so I can still make her out a little. She nods and disappears into our backyard woods.

I grab an older pair of tennis shoes and slip past dad and Kate on the couch. It takes me longer than usual to find her. She's picked herself a good hiding place this time. "You know," I say approaching her slouched figure, "Kate would love to see you, if you wanted to come in sometime."

"I think I'll pass," she says, not turning around. I sit cross-legged in front of her. She sustains the silence, so I decide to start talking.

"I saw him today."

"How is he?"

"Why didn't you tell me you went to visit him, Ash?"

"It never came up."

"Well, he was very excited that you did. He said you were coming back sometime this week."

"I am."

"Don't hurt him more, Ash."

"I'm not stupid!" she screams running her right hand through her hair. Or, is it her left? I can't tell. Right. Definitely right. "He knows I'm living with Sean now."

"Only because I told him time after time. He's not all there. You can't take chances on someone like that."

"So, would you rather me let his mind rot without trying to save him? No, I'm going to save him. I'm sorry if that's not what you want. It's what he needs."

"You don't understand how it is for him."

"Everyone gets cheated sometime."

"He's dealing with it pretty rough."

"So did I, yet everyone conveniently forgets that." She heaves an exasperated sigh, and I reach out and grab her shoulder comfortingly. She looks at me and gives me a pleading smile. "How are you and Liberty?"

"We're surviving. We're 17 and stupid. I don't know. How's Sean?"

She chuckles softly. "He's surviving."

"No ring?" I ask hopefully.

She holds her hand up sarcastically. "There will never be a ring."

"Ahh, well, you never know. Have you decided on a school?"

"No. Toronto seems so, safe. I mean, I'm supposed to be safe now. I'm with Sean. But I could go to college and forget about what we're doing. We don't have to live together anymore. I will have somewhere to live that's not with Sean. I have so many options, Tobes. I'm confused."

"Well, where do you want to go?"

"I think about that a lot. I think about how appealing Stanford is just for its distance. I think about it a lot, but I could never leave Sean. It's not official or anything, but I love him. I can't imagine him not in my life."

"I understand," I say. I don't. Living with a boyfriend and no parents is so original and unique for a high school student. For a college student, it's reality. Sean and she are so stressed out. How will they make it?

"There's one thing, though," she says reserved.

"Which is?"

"Freshmen can't live off-campus unless they're married. I don't know if I want to be married. It's so early. Do you think I should tell Sean?"

"If you tell Sean, you have to prepare to say yes."

"This is true. Very true. What if he flips out and kicks me out?"

"He'll never just kick you out. You have a car, and…"

Ashley cuts me off. "Shit, I have to pick him up. It's almost 9, and the car is at the house."

"I could ride you back," I offer.

"No," she says with a passing glance to the direction of our house. "I'll walk thanks."

I shrug and watch her walk off.

"Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on,
So tell me when you're gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."

I've thrown up twice since home room. I've had the most splitting headache all day. I can't take it anymore. I wish I could, but pregnancy has made me weak. I push myself out of the double doors of the front of school and keep walking. No one's going to miss me. God, pregnancy has made me dramatic, too. Craig will ask questions. He always does.

I find myself at the ravine. I haven't been here in awhile. I'm still in SITE, but as the president, I've decided to take more of a passive approach in dealing with the environment. I find myself at the same grove that Sean and I were the day of our nasty last break-up.

I wonder how Mr. Cameron and Ms. Kerwin are. Ashley talks to Craig a lot, so we hang out sometimes, but I still haven't had a normal conversation with Sean since grade 9. I've been too busy, and lately too pregnant, to worry about him. However, the thought occurs to me at the oddest times that I really did love him. I was a different person when I was around him. It's a tricky path to go down because anything can trigger a happy memory or a depressing one.

I lay my torso back on the bank to relieve my body of its weight. My eyes flutter open and closed with my body protesting sleep. "Emma Nelson," a voice says, barely above a whisper as to not frighten me.

I turn around and see the least likely person on the planet to be standing behind me. "Oh my god," I croak out.

"Odd-ness," he says.

"Yea," I agree. Wonderful conversation, Em.

"I haven't been here since, well, you know…" he trails off.

"Yea," I say. "How are you, Sean?"

"I skipped lunch. I might just not go back. I didn't get much sleep last night."

I pat to the spot next to me, for whatever reason. "Come on down, the dirt is fine."

He laughs for about half a second. "Maybe I will." He joins me, and we laugh at the total irony. "Emma, is two years too late for an apology?"

"No," I say and turn my head towards the sky. "No, I think it's perfect timing."

"Really? Well, here goes then. I'm sorry for being a jackass when we broke up the last time. I'm sorry for stealing Mr. Simpson's computer. I'm sorry for not talking to you for two years. I'm sorry for hurting Ellie like I hurt you. I'm just sorry."

"I understand," I say, clutching his hand. "We're different now."

"You seem, like, the same."

"I don't know." I turn back over onto my side so I'm facing him. "Sean, if I tell you something, can I be sure it will be in total confidence?"

"Of course, Em. You don't even have to ask."

I sigh. I can't believe I'm telling Sean. "I got," I choke out, "I got pregnant."

"Oh shit," he says immediately turning to face me. "That's serious. What're you guys gonna do?"

"I haven't told Craig," I whisper. "I haven't known that long."

"You should be telling Craig."

"I know I should. I'm just worried about his reaction. I love this baby so much, and if he can't be with me and love me and this baby, I don't know what I'd do."

"Craig's a good guy, Em. He'll stay with you. He'll love you. He'll love the baby." I nod slightly. Sean's right. "That dude has got some good sperm." I playfully punch him in the arm.

After about five more minutes, we both decide to go back. I'm not willing to get screamed at tonight, and Sean didn't want to worry Ashley. On our way out, I put my hand on his arm to stop him. "Sean, look at that tree," I say referring to the fallen tree we're standing over.

"What about it?" he asks curiously.

"Nothing," I whisper. I lean down and brush some debris off of it. The bare trunk shows a heart with "E.N. and S.C." carved into it.

"Oh, that tree," he says quietly. "I forgot all about that."

"I came across a fallen tree.
I felt the branches of it looking at me.
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?"

Afternoon classes are always easier. I have shop right after lunch, so that's a plus. We've started working on our final projects already, so I have a lot of free time. I scribble a bunch of equations for my Algebra 2. Armstrong's a total bitch about all this.

Ashley grabbed me in the hall earlier, asking me where I was and all that. Good thing no one realized that Emma and I had both gone AWOL. Not like it matters; we just ended up sitting in the ravine talking anyways. Emma seems fine, other than that whole pregnancy thing, so I'm glad I didn't break her like I thought I did. She could've ended up worse. She could've end up like JT.

I walk up behind Ash after school and wrap my arms around her waist. I rest my head on her shoulder and gently kiss her neck while she talks to Craig. He eyes me suspiciously, but he doesn't say anything (to me). "Sunday, then?" he asks. I'm hoping they have a school project to work on so I can have my day of rest.

"Yup, we'll be there," she says grabbing my hand. I internally groan. Whatever she has planned is sure to be a dozy.

I take my left hand off her waist, and we start walking away. "What's that all about?" I ask.

"We're going on a double date Sunday. Craig, Em, you, and I are all going to that new club that's opening."

"Isn't that an over-18 club?" I ask.

"Yea, so?"

"Emma isn't 18."

"Oh," she says deep in thought. "Craig might have mentioned that. I think she has an I.D."

"You're telling me Emma Nelson has a fake I.D.?" I ask with my jaw almost on the ground.

She scoffs a bit. "Emma's changed a lot since you've dated her, Sean."

I let out a sigh. She doesn't know the half of it. I wonder if it's safe for us to hang out together, especially if Emma hasn't told Craig by then. It's always been obvious when Em and I have an inside secret, and Craig and Ash will immediately be able to see through us. They might even suspect "something." Maybe I'll talk to Emma tomorrow and convince her to tell Craig ASAP.

That's when it really hits me. Emma is going to be someone's mother. And as much hurt and jealousy I've felt over the last three years, it was dimmed by Ellie, Ashley, Marco, and even alcohol. This pain is real, and it rips through my gut. I was in love with Emma Nelson. I was in love with her, and I'm not sure if she was ever in love with me. Either way, I fucked up in the worst way, and now she's pregnant.

Emma's having a baby. I'm not the father. It hurts more than I anticipated.

"Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on,
So tell me when you're gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."

I half-mindedly wave goodbye to Ashley and Sean. I hope Emma doesn't mind that I've made plans for us all to get together Sunday night at that new club. I know her parents hate her going out on school nights, so I hope she can sneak away or say she's staying with Manny or something. Speaking of the devil, she's walking towards me now. I run over to her and lift her off the ground in a grand display of my affection.

I put her back down, and she begins to giggle. "What was that for?"

"For being the most beautiful," I kiss her forehead, "and sweet," I kiss her cheeks, "and magnificent girl to ever grace me with her presence," I kiss her on the lips. I see her blushing. It makes me so happy that after all this time my kisses still make her blush. "Can I walk you home?"

"Of course," she says leaning her head on my shoulder, so I put my arm around her to keep her safe and close to me. "I want to stop somewhere first though," she says, directing me away from the main road.

"Fine with me. I don't have to be home until, well, late."

On the way to wherever we're going, I tell her about our double date on Sunday. "So Sean's coming?" she asks.

"Yea, is that okay with you? I know you've had a rocky past and…"

"No," she says cutting me off. "That's perfectly alright. We're over that. I can see he's changed."

"Good," I say nestling my head in her perfectly straight blonde hair. "I didn't want to upset you."

"Here we are," she says motioning to the ground.

"The ravine?" I ask.

"Is this okay with you?"

"Yea, I guess, I just wasn't expecting this."

She sits down cross-legged, and I follow her lead. She cups my hands in her own and gives me an intent stare. "You were right the other day when you said that something was wrong. Something is wrong, or totally right, it depends on how you look at it."

She's surprisingly calm, and I'm very grateful that I don't have to deal with a PMS-ridden emotionally off-balanced teenage girl. "You can tell me anything, Em. I love you."

"I love you too," she says quickly. She takes a deep breath. "Craig, the thing is I am, I mean we are, pregnant. We're going to have a baby."

I sit back in shock. I don't know whether it's good shock or bad shock or what. It is just so damned unexpected. "A baby, Emma? You mean we're going to be parents?" She nods. "Wow."

"I know you must be upset, but I'm sorry. I have to have this baby. I can't just kill it like Manny did. I already love it so much, Craig. We always knew there was a chance of this happening…" I cut her off in a dramatic kiss. I want her to stop acting like I hate her now. I don't; I can't.

"Emma, we both know it's going to be tough. I want a family, Emma. Since the first time that I saw you, I've known I wanted you to be in my family. This baby," I say removing my hand from her's and placing it on her stomach, "is a miracle. Emma, I can't believe it. I'm so happy."

"You are?" she barely choked out. I scoop her up in my arms.

"It's what I've always wanted. If you want to do this, I'm here. This is incredible."

"You're not mad at me? Are you sure? You're going into college; I didn't want to tie you down or burden you. I didn't mean to."

"Emma, I'm so, so happy. You can't imagine. I won't be burdened. I can't wait."

"This is too good to be true. I was getting all prepared for you to dump me and never speak to me again. It would be easy, seeing as how you're leaving school in a few months."

"I don't think I could leave you if I tried," I answer truthfully. I feel so cheesy and romantic, but I'm so in love that it's blinding.

"And if you have a minute why don't we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything,
So why don't we go,
Somewhere only we know?"

I feel him slip his arm around me on the bus. Pretty soon, his hand, which had been inching downwards in a not so well-hidden move, rests on my belt line. "We'll be back at my house in like 5 minutes," I whisper.

"I want you right here, right now. That would be so hot."

"It would be so wrong. There are other people on the bus. Besides, it's not exactly sanitary."

"Maybe I should've let you drive."

"That's what I've been telling you," I whine.

"I'm just used to the bus. I thought it would be easier."

"Didn't Paige used to drive you everywhere?" I ask. He gives me a look in response.

"I don't bring up your ex-boyfriends every five minutes, so do you have to keep mentioning Paige?"

"What ex-boyfriends?" I scoff. "Craig and I weren't really a couple. JT and I went out for like 5 minutes. There's nothing for you to bring up. You and Paige, on the other hand…"

"What about us?"

"You went out for like 2 ½ years. That's a hell of a long time when you're in high school."

"We're not together anymore, that's all that matters."

"Whatever Spin," I say. He picks me up by my waist and puts me in his lap. I giggle slightly because I know that's what I'm supposed to do.

"Well, do you want to have a relationship?"

"Depends. Who would it be with?"

"I know this person who's pretty into you."

"Oh really? What's his name?"

"Who says it's a guy?"

"Shut up!" I say playfully punching him.

"Seriously, Manny, we've been on dates, we've done, you know, a lot. Even if we haven't done 'it,' I know why we haven't. I want to wait for you. But we can still be a couple, right?"

I smile. It's about as romantic as Spinner gets. "Sure. Oh look, here's our stop."

I walk off holding his hand as he walks behind me. We trek the short distance to my house. I check the driveway and only my car's there. We silently walk upstairs, and he begins kissing my neck. We go into my room, and we're kissing so hard now that I fall on my bed. He falls on top of me. "I don't know," I say coming up for air. "I haven't done this in awhile. I might not be all that good."

"Trust me," he says pulling a condom out of his wallet, "you'll be great."

"Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on,
So tell me when you're gonna let me in,
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."

The car is picking up speed pretty quickly now. "Maybe you should slow down," I offer.

"Shut up," he says back. I do as I'm told.

We keep traveling west, and I still have no idea where we're going. I trust his judgement, but I'm getting a little scared. "Dyl, where are we going?"

"I told you, it's a surprise," he says sarcastically.

"Right," I answer shyly. "Are you mad at me or something?"

He looks over with a soft and pained expression. "God, no, I'm not. I'm just stressed beyond belief. I hate it when I take that out on you. I'm sorry, Marco."

"It's okay. Really, I was just wondering. You can take it out on me, if you want."

He laughs. I didn't think it was a joke. "We're close," he says covering my hand with his own. I nod. It's getting kind of cold.

"Can we put the top on? I'm getting kind of cold." He gets out of his pull-over without taking his eyes off the road and hands it to me.

"Here, wear this. We're close now, it would be a waste."

"Thanks," I say greedily putting it on. He's wearing a short sleeved shirt under it, and I notice goose bumps starting to form. "Tell me if you want it back or something."

"Nah, I'm fine." We pull off the highway, and I smile knowing our journey is almost through. He goes a few miles before I see the lake. It's beautiful. It's so blue, not like the river water or anything in Toronto. We get out and grab a few blankets and make our way to the beach.

We sit cuddling for a few minutes before I get up the nerve to say something about our fight. "Dylan, I love you."

"I love you too, Marco," he says flashing me a smile. His facial features are made even more stunning by the setting sun.

"I love you, which is why I think we should take some time apart. I feel like you've done so much for me. You even went to Toronto to be close to me."

"It's a good school. Besides, I didn't want to go to the states for school. I'm really happy there. I don't want to take any time apart."

He turns his head back to the ocean signaling that he thought it was the end of the conversation. "Dylan, you know we need to."

"Why?" he demands.

"Things are rough between us."

"You're just a pussy."

"Dylan, don't name call. That's so immature."

"That's so immature," he mocks. "Whatever. I just do it because you're so weak. You're like a little girl. Remember the beginning? You used to do anything for me, that's what was so endearing. I'd say roll over, and pretty soon, I'd be pounding you like a hamburger." I cringe slightly at the thought.

"You're not happy. Neither am I. We can take a break. It will all work itself out in the end. I don't want this to be the end, you know that. I love you. We just need some space."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"You have to, Dylan."

"Fuck you, Marco. You can't make me do anything."

I get up in disgust. "Let's just go home."

"Fine with me," he says. As we near the car, he slaps my ass. I turn around and open my mouth. He just smiles. "There's plenty more where that came from." He pushes me into the backseat. The top still isn't on. Despite my protests, he doesn't stop.

He never will.

"And if you have a minute why don't we go,
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything,
So why don't we go,
So why don't we go…"

I see Emma near her locker, and I decide to go have a talk with her. Before I get to her, however, a hand on my arm stops me. I whirl around quickly and see who the hand belongs to. "Yes Marco?" I ask. I'm getting antsy. There's not too much time before the bell.

"Follow me." There's a certain sadness and pain in his eyes that I can't deny. It stabs something in me, and I curse him for being the second person in two days to give me that feeling. He's walking away now, and I know I have no choice but to follow him. I give Emma one last glance before heading in the opposite direction.

I knew where he was headed before my first step. It's the only place we know of to get some privacy and still stay relatively close to the school. So, I take a different route, making sure no one knows where I'm headed.

Once I get to the roof, he's already there, tears streaming down his face. He looks up at me with needing eyes, and I suddenly hate myself for ever befriending him. I take a seat next to him. We're in almost the same place that we had been the first time we came up here. "I need you," he blurts out.

I look at him questioningly. "I thought we had settled this."

"You have to still have feelings, Sean. Please don't deny that."

I can't say if he's right or not. I choose not to think about it. "Whatever. I'm living with Ashley. I can't fuck that up." I want to storm out so he gets it. I can't, though. He's so lost that I can't just leave him like this. There's a good chance he'd do something drastic, and this time, it might break me. I hear the rustling of clothing so I look over to see him taking his shirt off. "Whoa, what are you doing?"

"Calm down," he says. "I just want to show you something." I'm still weary, but it's only a shirtless guy. I've seen plenty of those before. Once his shirt is off, my eyes widen at the sight. I trace his bruises with my finger; I can't help it.

"Who did this?" I ask.

"Dylan," he answers, looking at me with tear stained cheeks. "Dylan's been doing this."

"Marco!" I scream. "How could you let him?"

"I, I don't know. I tried to leave him last night, but it didn't work."

"What do you mean it didn't work?"

"I mean he raped me Sean! He didn't listen to a word I said, and then he raped me. Is that good with you?"

"Oh my God. I can't believe it. I can't believe it got this bad without you telling anyone."

"Who was I gonna tell? You never talk to me anymore. Ash is always busy as fuck. Ellie… Fuck it, I can't get out. There's no way."

"Calm down," I say. This is tough. "I'll help you." And just like that, I'm sucked back in.

"This could be the end of everything,
So why don't we go,
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?"