I Need You So Much Closer
Disclaimer: Everything I am belongs to CTV and Epitome pictures. Except my heart. They go to Jake and Ryan. :o) P.S. Lyrics by Maroon 5.
Chapter 4: Through With You
I ran down the hall like an idiot. I barely registered the stares of everyone as they watch the newly-un-crazy kid who still looks pretty insane as he runs down 'the halls of my high school...' Crazy John Mayer song. Not as crazy as me. No one can be as crazy as I am. Mwhaha.
"Sorry," I say as I trip over a grade 9's books that had been in a neat little pile next to her locker. I don't fall, so I keep on running. I have to see her. The bell rings. It's an addiction. I crave Ashley like old Mr. Pooley craves cigarettes. I turn a corner and that's when I see her. "Ashley!" I scream louder than necessary.
A few dwindlers give me a look before turning into their home room. Unfortunately for me, Ashley's headed to the same place. "Ashley! Hey, Ash!" I frantically run and scream. Maybe I really am crazy. She looks up at me before disappearing into the girls' bathroom. Her face is red and sore from crying. I try to catch her, but she doesn't want to be caught. She's out of sight before I'm halfway there.
I give up my search because I'm not allowed to miss any class time whatsoever. I stumble into Simspson's class and mumble my apologies. He gives me a pitying look and goes back to a new layout or whatever he's doing. I fall back into the swivel chair and sigh with exasperation.
"Are you alright?" a familiar voice asks.
"I'm fine, Emma," I answer, and I close my eyes, trying to remember what I missed so much about this place.
"Liar," she jokes. I open my eyes and look at her. It takes a second for her pale features to come into focus since the light is harsh and temporarily blinds me. She stares back at me for a second. "How was it?"
I shrug. "To be honest, it sucked. Until I finally realized that I belonged there, and then it became a lot easier."
"I'm sorry I didn't visit, I've just..."
"Em, it's ok. I wouldn't have visited me either. You're busy, you have to watch Jack, Martians landed in your backyard, it's ok. I swear."
I lean my head back and close my eyes again. I feel her eyes on me, so I look at her. "JT, what happened to us?" she questions intensely.
Air escapes through my nose quickly, and I make a disbelieving noise. "Us, Em?"
"You know, JT, I've always considered you a good friend. I mean, Manny and I, we were best friends, and Manny and you, were kind of hooked up there for awhile. But when we were younger, it just seemed like you were there for me. Now, I don't know. When I heard what happened, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to come see you, I did. But it would've been awkward."
"As awkward as this conversation?" I ask. She hits me on the shoulder playfully.
"You know. Did you expect me to come?"
"No, not really. I didn't expect anyone to come. I didn't think anyone could come. You know, I thought it was like solitary confinement. Turns out I was wrong, just no one loved me enough to come."
Emma's face distorts. "Are you serious? No one came?"
I crack a smile. "No, Toby and my parents came a lot. Ash even came once."
"Oh," she says, obviously relieved.
"So, Emma," I say. She kind of nods. "What's been going on with you?"
She looks distant for a second. "Well, Craig and I," she leans closer and lowers her voice, casting obvious glances at Mr. Simpson, "are moving to New York."
"You and Craig are dating?" Hmm, so I'm Mr. Out of the Social Scene. She sends me a look, and I just nod and keep my mouth shut.
"Yes. We've been dating for awhile, I guess, since you went in. Maybe a little after that. Then, I did something really stupid." She rubs her stomach, and my jaw drops. Not Emma Nelson. Not little Ms. Perfect. "Shut up, I already feel bad enough about it. Anyways, we're going to get married and move to New York. It's insane, I know, but it's really exciting to think about."
I stare at her for a few more seconds. "When are you moving?" I ask finally.
"In August probably. We'll probably get married in the summer, after Craig graduates. Then, we'll go down there when he has to go to school. He's going to Columbia."
"So, your parents know?"
"Um," Emma cast another glance at Mr. S. "Well, not yet."
I just laugh at her. I open my mouth to say something else, ask how everyone else is, but the bell interrupts me. We both stand up. I gather my books, and she wraps her arms around me. "Thanks for this, JT."
"For what?" I ask stupidly.
"This, you know, us talking. Being my friend. I miss it. I'll miss you."
I look into her eyes, a pretty light brown I notice for the first time I think, and I feel genuinely hurt. "Em, I'll miss you too."
"Can you see me,Floating above your head?"
"Um, Manny?" I ask as I come up on my locker.
"What's it, Spin?" she asks flipping through some magazine or another.
"The end of the year dance?"
Her eyes light up. She folds the magazine and puts it behind her back, focusing all of her attention on me. "Yes, Spinner?"
"Did you want to go?"
"With you?"
"That's why I asked." Duh.
"Sure!" she says smiling. I nod. That's cool.
"Alright," I say flinging my locker open. "So are we going to hang out this weekend?"
She's still smiling, a lot. "We can go somewhere on Friday. I have that spa thing with my mom all day Saturday."
"Spa thing?" I ask. She probably told me; I tend to block such things out.
"I told you. Mom needs to have me alone for a day so she can grill me. Since she knows we're dating now, she just wants to make sure we're not having sex."
I laugh to myself. She has nothing to worry about. Nothing. "Oh, right, sorry I thought it was next weekend."
"Nope," she says, not knowing that I had totally just lied out my ass. "This Saturday. So, we're on for Friday?"
"Yea," I grab my Anatomy book out of my locker. "Um..." Gotta think what's going on this weekend. "Was there anything special you wanted to do?" We start to walk towards the Science wing.
"If we can't find anything else, we can spend the night at my house." Score. "My mom's been wanting to have you for dinner since I told her." And scratch that.
"Dinner... with your family," I stutter. "Yea, sure. That sounds good." It sounds like hell on earth.
"Fantastic!" she says and pecks my cheek. She puts her lips next to my ear and whispers, "We have to make it worthwhile since I'll have to be with my mom the whole entire next day. Think we can do that?" She turns to walk into her class without an answer. I grab her ass for one, and she squeals. "Spin-ner!" she giggles. I laugh, too.
Then I run to the nearest bathroom to try to hide the boner I had gotten. Damn track pants.
"As you lay in bed,Thinking about everything,
That you did not do."
I light up a cigarette and sit on the hood of my car, waiting. Someone will come by if I wait long enough. Someone who has answers to what the hell is going on here. Someone, anyone, even her. If you think being cheated on is bad, you've never experienced being cheated on when you really felt safe.
Because Craig was always too good for me, or he thought that, anyways. His dad put the thoughts in his head or something. But Craig always had this weird glint in his eyes when he got distant, and I knew. I knew he'd stray. As ready as you are, it still hurts.
But this hurts much, much worse.
He walks up to me, with his damn slouched posture and hands stuffed into the deepest crevices of his oversized jeans. I can't help but mentally compare him to a dog with its tail between its legs, as cheesy as that sounds. He looks up at me, still sitting cross-legged as I toss my filter to the dirty asphalt, and I can see he's been crying. We stand in complete silence longer than either of us find comfortable, but there's really nothing to say.
"Sean," I manage after the most awkward three or so minutes of my life. My voice is hardly recognizable; it's been scratched raw from deep sobbing. He looks at me and squints in response. "Answer me one thing. All of those times that you told me you loved me, did you mean it any of them?" He opens his mouth to speak, but I shake my head. "I'll come by tomorrow to pick up my stuff."
He nods and walks off. That boy. Hot damn.
I light up another cigarette, and for the first time in my life, I'm happy Ellie's not around. There are just sometimes when you need to be able to smoke without your best friend warning you that it's slowly killing you. And, trust me, this is definitely one of those times.
"Ashley, hasn't anyone ever told you that smoking kills?" I turn around quickly at the mention of my name. I didn't think anyone was left at school except for a few grade nines and tens being suck ups, and surely, none of them wanted to talk to me.
I smile broadly at Toby. I can't imagine anyone else standing there. I take another drag and then crush it with my shoe. "What's up, kid?"
He shrugs, squinting into the sun. "Nothing. What's up with you?"
I laugh at the simplicity of it all. "Get in, and I'll tell you all about it," I say and offer the passenger's side with my heel.
"I think I'll take you up on that," he says sliding into my car. I walk to my door and slide in beside him. I stare at him for a second before starting the engine. "So start talking," he says, patting my knee reassuringly.
"Well, for starter's, I'm homeless."
"Cause saying I love you,Has nothing to do with meaning it."
I spray my hair like there's no tomorrow. I pat it, and my face contorts in disgust. It's really hard. I hate hard hair. Oh well, it looks "nice." At least, that's what my mom says.
I hear the doorbell ring. I was afraid of this. He's on time, for once. I'm nowhere near ready, which wouldn't be so bad if my parents were going to be normal tonight. But Spinner's the first guy I've brung home since the abortion, and he's going to wish they were only the Spanish Inquisition.
I hear the formalities between my father and Spinner. Mom's probably still in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner. What am I going to wear?
I rush down the steps as soon as I find the first (modest) skirt and decently wearable shirt in my closet. I kiss my dad on the cheek before joining my hand with Spin's. I lead them both into the living room. The guys sit and talk mildly about some hockey game until Mom saves me. "Dinner!" she calls cheerily. I look at Spinner, smile, and give his hand a slight squeeze.
My brother Anthony walks in just in time for dinner(like usual). He kisses my mother and sits down at the dining room table with the rest of us. I let my hand slide under the table to Spinner's knee and rub it to help him get through dinner.
"This is really good, Mrs. Santos," Spinner comments after swallowing a bit of mom's lasagna.
She beams. She loves compliments. Of course he's already been prepped on all of this, but it makes me happy that he remembers. "Thank you, Gavin, it's my own special sauce." She gives him a wink, and I ignore my inward groan and smile.
"Well, you are a fantastic cook. Your husband is a lucky man." My brother gives me a look that prompts me to kick him lightly under the table. He just laughs, barely audible, and excuses himself.
I pull my napkin off my lap and throw it on my plate, signaling that I'm finished. Spinner takes a few more bites before following my cue. "Do you want me to help you clean up, Mom?" I ask sweetly.
"Oh, no, Manuela, your father and I aren't finished yet. I'll clean up. You two go have fun." She smiles, but then her look suddenly turns grave. "But not too much..."
"Mom, I know. We're just going to watch a movie in my room. Good night." I kiss my mom on the cheek. Spinner says his goodbyes, and I lead him up to my room.
I push him onto my bed and lock the door. "Manny Santos, you better not be acting like a tease," he warns from the bed. I turn and look at him. "I don't think I can take it anymore."
I giggle and turn on the movie. I turn the volume up a bit louder than necessary and crawl on top of him. "I've been accused of being many things by many people, Spinner Mason," I say sporadically as I kiss his neck, "but a tease is not one of them."
"And
I don't trust you,
Cause
every time you're here,
Your
intentions are unclear."
I stare at my phone, willing it to ring, willing it to be the one person who I hate most in the world. If only he would call, then everything would be okay. I'd answer it, tell him off, and hang it up again. Perfect plan, in theory, except everyone knows that he makes me crack and fall a part at the seams.
Dylan Michalchuk. If ever you thought that you are able to be yourself in every given situation, you have never met Dylan Michalchuk. He's the picture-perfect, charming, abusive boyfriend. He'll kiss the bruises that he's caused you, and for some reason, this redeems him. Bruises will fade, heartache will fade, even true love will fade. But first love, now that's something you'll hold on to in every passing thought until your dying day.
This whole life has left me with nothing. No best friend to turn to, no warm arms to keep me from the Canadian cold, especially no dignity to be proud of. Dylan has changed me into a desolate shell of who I used to be. I'm not even the token gay kid anymore. I'm just sad, lonely, depressed Marco. Oh, you need to avoid him. His best friend died, and his ex-boyfriend, yes boyfriend, can't you tell, used to beat him up all the time. Oh, crap he's coming this way. God I'm sick of people.
If I have no dignity, then what's the harm? I pick up the phone and dial his digits as if I just dialed them yesterday. (This is because I had, in my mind, over and over again.) Two rings, then three, four. I wonder what I would say if he doesn't answer, or, even worse, if he does. Suddenly, I'm panicking and I throw the phone back on its charger.
The phone's about to die, along with every piece of me that's ever been attached to something good.
"I spend every hour waiting for a phone call,That I know will never come."
"I have to, Tobes. I mean, I love you, I love you so much, you know that right?" I pause and look over to make sure he's still with me. He looks dazed, but he nods. "There's just something about the karma of that house. Want one?" I stick my half used pack of cigarettes into his face as I take another long drag and exhale out the open window.
"No, and I wish you wouldn't, either."
"It won't be for long," I assure him as I tap the ashes into the wind. "Until I have a home and a life again. Whenever that is." I look out onto the open road ahead of me, and I lose myself in the parallel yellow lines and consistent asphalt. The trees to both sides seem to inclose us, and I squeeze my eyes shut to bring myself back into reality. "Anyways, I want to see how he is. It will only be for what," I say as I take another drag, "4 or 5 months?"
"Are you still going to Toronto?"
I nod and inhale deeply. "That's the plan."
"I'm going to miss you, Ash," he says placing his hand over mine on the armrest between the front seats.
I'm struck by his words in a way I didn't think I would be. I trace his hand all the way to his face and simply stare into his eyes, kind of glad this is a long straightaway. "My dad doesn't live that far away, Toby."
"I used to think that you were the one,Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all."
Alright, so I lost the only thing that's been important to me during my high school career. Losing him is possibly the most horrible thing I've ever gone through. It's been 47 days since I've been Paige Michalchuk. Forty-seven days and nothing remains but a hole the size of Texas, a memory of something so tangible that it will never leave me.
And forever and ever will I try to get it back. I heard that he's with Manny now. You know, some things do change. That little girl who impressed me so hardcore with two cartwheels. I would do a million to take back that minute in which she ingratiated herself into our core group. Without that minute, maybe the last four years of my life would be fundamentally different.
No Ashley/Craig break-up, maybe no rape(if we had no Spirit Squad...), and of course, he would have crawled back to me by now. He wants to; I can tell. He just wants sex a little more right now. And that's fine. She's all up for that idea. Slut.
I walk into school with a definite air of 'leave-me-the-fuck-alone.' And most people do pretty well at this. Most people are not Sean Cameron. "Paige. Paige Michalchuk."
I stare at him like he has the plague. Yes, Sean Cameron? No. Too easy. "Who are you?" I spat.
"Shut up Paige. It's me, Sean, that's a shocker," he says sarcastically. I roll my eyes. "Can we talk?"
"Sure. When were you thinking that this wonderful powwow will occur?"
"Now, preferably." Home room doesn't start for another fifteen minutes. Another wonderful reason to get to school early.
I plop down in front of my locker. "Start talking."
"If you were Ashley, and..."
"Stop," I interrupt. "I don't want to play this game. I hate this game. Just tell me what you did."
"For starter's, I had sex with Amy." Eww. Slut. My face obviously gives these sentiments away. "Alright, alright, I know what you're thinking, but I just needed some vodka. Ashley threw all mine out," he says sitting next to me.
"So not an excuse, hun."
"Okay, well, so it gets worse. I ran out of the restaurant after she told Craig that we were getting married."
"Nice going, hot stuff. Why?"
"I don't know. We hadn't even made plans yet; I hadn't really proposed. It was a shock, okay?"
"Alright, then that one's acceptable. What else?" I ask, because my inner gossip queen always ends up getting the best of me.
"I went after JT a little when he came looking for her."
"Is that it?"
He looks deep in thought for a second. "Yea, I think."
"Well, for starter's, you're not about to win boyfriend of the year."
"No shit, Sherlock."
"I'm helping you. Be grateful."
"Yes, yes, I forgot. Paige fucking Michalchuk is talking to a lowlife grade 11 who she would never willingly talk to unless he approached her, and she just happened to have a lot of time on her hands because all she does is fucking mope about losing that damn idiot boyfriend of her's."
I stare at him. As much as I hate, I mean truly despise, the words flowing from his mouth like candy, his honesty is so fucking wonderful. But, of course, I am Paige Michalchuk, and this is my reputation on the line. I stand up in a whirl of anger. "Figure out your own goddamn Ashley Kerwin problems. I really don't care. She's better off without you." I spin on my heel, about to walk away, when I decide to turn back around. "Hey everyone," I announce to the fifteen or so kids in the vicinity. "This asshole cheated on Ashley Kerwin with some chick for a bottle of vodka. Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard?" I wink at him before setting off to be in eye's view of Spinner.
"You ain't ever coming back to me,That's not how things were supposed to be."
I slouched against my locker with an open "Scarlet Letter" in my left hand. Kids busy themselves around me with the morning's gossip and news, but I ignore it. I need to read 10 more pages by second period. The only thing that brings me out of my reading is Manny wrapping her arms around my neck and greeting me by shoving her tongue down my throat. "Hey baby."
"Hey," I answer, adjusting the bookmark and then throwing the book in my locker. "How was Saturday?"
She sticks her hand up and wiggles her fingers. "Manicure, pedicure, massage, oh it was the best thing ever."
I laugh. "How was your mom?"
"Oh, alright, I guess. We kind of talked about us, but she thinks you're a quote, unquote 'good kid,'" Manny does air quotes to get across her point. "So, I just told her that you're saving yourself, I think that's noble, and that I'm a born-again virgin. She totally bought it."
I smile. "That's good, sweetheart."
"But," she says drawing the word out playfully, "what about you? Did you have fun on Friday?"
I pull her closer to me with one arm. "What do you think?" I ask before kissing her softly.
She opens her eyes and looks up at me. "I think we're going to be doing that a lot more. I didn't know it could be so passionate and heartfelt. I thought it was always going to be, you know, all lust, no love? Does that make sense?"
Um, no? "Of course it does, sweetie. Perfect sense."
"Good," she says and quickly pecks my cheek. "Time for home room, babe. I'll see ya second period. And you better have that read," she nods towards my locker.
"Stupid grade 11 English," I say before releasing her. "I love you."
"I love you too, Spin."
"You take my hand just to give it back,No other lover has ever done that."
"Ashley, talk to me. Please," I plead relentlessly. I used a hall pass to get out of MI and come to see her. Every Monday, she works in the office during her free period.
"About what, JT?"
"For starter's, everything. But I'd settle for why you're avoiding me."
She looks up from her stacks of files. "I am not avoiding you."
"I just want to be your friend."
"We are friends."
"Oh. Well, um, what's with you and Sean?"
"He cheated on me."
Figures. "I'm going to kill him." And I am. Just as soon as he gets piss ass wasted again.
She shrugs. "It doesn't matter. Don't worry yourself over it."
"Where are you staying?" I quickly change subjects. Someone's in a touchy mood.
"With my dad."
"Your, um, gay dad?" I ask. I hadn't heard anything about him since grade 7.
"Yes. He's not only gay, you know. He's a person."
"I know that, Ash. I think it's cool." I stand there looking like a fool, swaying back and forth with my hands in my pockets. "So, do you want to go see a movie this weekend, maybe? I haven't really done anything since I've been out."
"Yea sure," she says without even looking up.
"Alright, well, Simpson's a-calling." She half smiles, not looking up yet. "I'll call you then, in a few days?"
"You know my number, JT. Stop acting so weird. It's me, Ash. I don't have the plague, and I'm pretty sure I avoided the cooties outbreak. Call me when you want to hang out. We'll hang out. Not rocket science."
I laugh. "Yea, cooties outbreak, good one. I'll call you. Bye." I walk out of the office and hang my head in my hands. If I were a bigger idiot, they would throw me off the planet. I'm coming damn close now.
"Do you remember,The way we used to melt?
Do you remember how it felt,
When I touched you?
Oh, cause I remember very well."
"Emma," I say as I come up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist.
"Yea," she says, still studying her chemistry more than me.
"I love you."
"Love you, too."
"Emma?" I ask her. She seems angry, or distraught, or something, and it kills me that I can't figure her out. She's going to be my wife, more than that, the mother of my baby, and it's hard for her to look at me. I love her.
She blinks to hide her tears, but I notice. I may be a shitty boyfriend, but I notice when she's on the verge of tears. That's a start, right? "Craig, we need to tell my parents."
Oh. Ok? "Alright, Em. When?"
"Soon. Eventually. We have to get married. We have to move. I have to leave them. We have to tell them now. I can't take this."
"Em, sure, that's fine. I'll do it right now if you want to. But I'm thinking dinner may be a better idea."
She turns and places her lips firmly on top of mine. "So, are you just trying to scam a free meal out of me?" she asks after she gives up control of the kiss.
"Like I do most nights. Well, I'll just bring some pizza over."
"I was kidding."
"I have to be your supporter, don't I?" I ask sternly placing my index finger over her lips. She nods. "Alright. Tell your mom to forget about dinner for tonight. Maybe it'll put her in a better mood."
"I don't think pizza is going to quell this totally, Craig."
"I'll be there at seven."
"And how long has it been,Since someone you let in,
Has given what I gave to you?"
"She loves me," JT looks blissful as he grabs a seat next to me in math.
"Who?" I ask, not even caring.
"Come on, Toby. I know I've been away for awhile, but do you think I would care about anyone else? Do you think I ever have?" He goes on and on, but I drown him out mostly. "So, Ash and I are going out this weekend sometime. I told you, Toby. I told you she would come back to me."
My head snaps up. "You and Ashley are going to be dating again?"
He rolls his eyes. "Alert the presses, will you? Or, I'll do you one better." He stands up and goes over to the door. "Hazel, Paige, over here," he says ushering them to the door. "I just wanted to tell you guys that Ashley Kerwin and I are going on a date. So, to everyone who thinks differently, will you tell them that? Thanks a million, ladies. I owe you one."
He turns and comes back to his seat. "Well, by now, I'm sure the whole school knows," I say casually.
"Isn't it wonderful? I love her, Tobes. I'm going to marry her."
"Ok, JT. Whatever you say."
"I seriously don't know why you're always such a pessimist about this situation. You've always been down on me and girls. With Paige, you said she was too snobby for me."
"Which proved to be true," I remind him.
"And Manny?"
"Who treated you like shit?"
"Whatever. It wasn't that bad. I liked that relationship. Not the end, but no one enjoys the end of a relationship. They're tough. But Ash and I, we're different, Tobes. This one you can be a total optimist about. And if you keep being down on all the girls I date, I'm going to think you have a huge man crush. So take your pick."
I look at him. Is he serious? Me, like him? Or could it be that I'm totally in love with my own step-sister? There you go, JT. Maybe you should open your eyes to the most obvious thing on the planet. "I hope you get married, have four kids, a white picket fence, and a dog named Rothgar."
"That's the Toby Isaacs I know!" he says raising my right arm like a wrestling champ.
But the thing is, he doesn't know Toby at all. No one does. Not that that's a bad thing, but he's totally wrong. About everything. And I'm wrong, because I think Ashley knows Toby Isaacs. Ashley's the only one there will ever be.
"And at night when you sleep,Do you dream I would be there?
Just for a minute or two, do you?"
"Sean Cameron, I am not done with you," I call to him. He's sitting on a picnic table outside of school smoking a joint. Of course, that's the smartest idea on the planet. He's so fucking stupid. Jay and whatever slut Sean fucked are making out on the other side of the bench. I look at Jay. "I can't believe you got held back. What a dumb shit."
Amy looks ready to kill. I love myself. "What do you want, Paige? I'm kind of busy," Sean asks.
"Well, I want, you know, gah," I say and grab his arm in frustration. I lead him far away from that table, those people. They're dirty, Sean. He throws the joint away with his free hand and lets me lead him to the courtyard. "I want my dignity back."
He laughs. It's a bit humorless, which kind of defeats the point of laughing in the first place. "Paige, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about."
"You know, this morning, what you called me, what you said. I don't need you to tell me that. That's bull shit. Have you ever looked at your life? You're not perfect. Why are you judging me?"
"Calm down, Jesus. I was pissed off at you. What was I going to do? Let you walk all over me?"
"No, but you walked all over me. That's not fair."
He laughs humorlessly, again. "Nothing's fair. Didn't your mom ever tell you that one? Life's not fair."
"You shouldn't laugh if you don't think it's funny. You should do something else. Laugh's should be saved for comedic actions."
"You're not clever."
"I'm not trying to be. It just pisses me off. Like, how everything about you pisses me off. If I could give you a makeover, I'd..."
He cuts me off. "You'd make me wear too tight abercrombie clothes? Looking queer isn't on my to-do list today. Sorry, hun."
"You're not clever, either," I spat back at him. He nods his head and laughs, normal this time, so for that, I'm grateful.
"What did you realistically expect me to do here, Paige?"
"I don't know. An apology would be nice."
He stuffs his hands lower into the front pocket of his hoodie and looks around, eager to be rid of me. "Done. I'm sorry. Can I go?"
"I'm coming by tonight," I say before I even process the words in my head. WHAT?
"What?"
"I don't want you to have parties anymore. And I want you to study. It's what Ellie would've wanted. So, I'm going to check up on you. So, be ready." Where in the hell did that just come from? I turn quickly on my heel and leave before he can see the crimson in my cheeks or the total humiliation plastered across my face.
"Heartache, heartache, I just have so much,A simple love with a complex touch."
I sit on the hard, lumpy mattress, holding the phone in my hands. I feel it all over, knowing somehow it gives me the key to letting go. If only my fingertips were magic, I could win his little game once and for all.
I rub my head to alleviate the headache caused by six hours of drinking last night. I drank to forget him, but of course it didn't work. It never does. I only wanted him in my arms, to feel his body pressed against mine like that first party he came to.
Still holding the phone in my left hand, I flip through my text book with my right. I can't concentrate, even on distinguishing words or phrases, but I won't give up. I have a right to move on just like everyone else. I have a right to live a normal life. Who says that I wasn't hurt? Oh, trust me, if this isn't hurt, then hurt doesn't exist.
The phone taunts me in a sick, strange way. The numbers glare at me until I picture them in my brain every time I close my eyes. The antenna grows longer, and my grip grows tighter. Finally, I slam my book closed and hit the talk button on my phone.
With shaky fingers, I dial his number. He answers, and suddenly, quickly, my world shatters like a pane of glass. "Marco?" my quivering voice asks.
"Dylan?" he seems confused. Hang up. You shouldn't be doing this.
"Hi, Marco."
"Oh, hi."
There's an awkward silence that I know I should be filling. My fingers were the one that dialed. My head is the one that is pounding. My memories are the ones that linger far past their welcome. "How's everything going?"
"It's, well, you know."
"Yea." I have no idea.
"So?" he questions, but in a nondescript way.
"Oh, right. Why I called. Well, I just, wanted to make sure we were both moving on, and everything. That you're okay now."
He scoffs into the phone. "I'm okay, yes."
"Oh. Okay. Well, this is it, then? The end?"
"I think it's been the end for awhile, Dylan." His words are mocking.
"Oh. Okay, well, thanks for talking to me. I'll, well, bye."
"Buh-bye." Click.
Goodbye.
"There is nothing you can say or do,I called to let you know I'm through with you."