I Need You So Much Closer

Chapter 5: Screaming Infidelities

I pick up an apple from the fruit basket and take a seat across from Nicholas. He has the newspaper sprawled out on the kitchen table, so I pick up the entertainment section and flip randomly through it. He looks at me over his own paper, and I know he wants to talk to me. It's really not that hard. Open your mouth and say something. Produce sounds. Come on, Nicky.

"Ashley," he starts as he rests the paper down. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, Nicholas," I say taking a bite out of my apple. "How are you?"

"I'm doing quite well, thank you." Gag me. "Ashley, tell me if I'm prying, but your dad just never told me what was going on with you. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited that you'll be occupying the guest room for a few months, but what I've been dying to know is why."

Good. My dad can keep his mouth shut. I'm glad. "Reader's Digest version is as follows: cheated on wonderful boyfriend, got STD, got threatened to be sent to rehab, lived with cheatee, thought we'd be getting married, and was so totally wrong. Does that sum it up? In a nutshell?"

"Yea," he answers, half-smiling and looking back at the paper. "In a nutshell."

I laugh forcibly at the sudden irony. He gives me a look. "I'm getting back together with the first one, I think. He went crazy for awhile. But he's not crazy anymore. We've gone on a few dates. It's nothing serious, after the Sean mess, but he's just so cute and flirty. I love him." I catch myself not only rambling, but mentioning that I love JT. Still. I'm about to correct myself when I realize that Nicholas really doesn't care about the emotional roller coaster of female teenage angst. I glance up at him, and he looks genuinely concerned. I smile at him. "I'm sorry that I didn't make an attempt to get to know you, until now."

"No, no, Ashley. I'm grateful for this! I can't imagine how difficult it was for you. Accepting that your friends or family are homosexual is hard. I've lost a lot of good friends. But, in the end, it's worth it. It worked out, somehow."

"I know what you mean. My friend came out a few years ago. He had a bit of a rough time. But I think he's okay now. It made me realize how stupid I was when I cut dad out of my life so long ago. Speaking of my father," I change subjects to avoid any cheesy emotional moments, "where is he?"

He laughs slightly. "Your dad is up and gone by 5:30 every morning. Well," he glances at his watch, "aren't you slightly late for school?"

I shrug. "Not entirely." Going to school means more time Sean can talk to me, look at me, or even be alive in the same building as me. Do you blame me for procrastinating?

"Well, don't you think you should go now?"

"Exactly what I was thinking," I say as I throw the core in the garbage. I guess, at some point, I do have to show up. Just, after I treat myself to breakfast.

I pull into the parking lot at half past 8. Not bad, if I do say so myself. I forge my father's signature on a random piece of paper and hurry to the front office. I get a late slip and meander to my locker, waiting for the bell to signal class change.

"Ashley," I hear as I pull a few notebooks out of my locker. "Ashley, what are you doing?"

I slam my locker closed and look up. No. It can't be. The unwritten rules forbid this. Direct contact is the cardinal sin of a cheater. "Go away, Sean," I mumble before turning and almost sprinting away.

He's going to follow me, I know it, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't even begin to describe the ways I miss him and crave him. I haven't gotten a wink of sleep in weeks because I miss my bed, my life.

"Ashley, please stop."

I turn around without bothering to hide my tears. Can't you see I need you? You know everything. You know that I push you away because you're all I have. "I can't stop. I'm not sorry that you ruined everything. This is all your fault." I shake my head, and the bell sounds. "Don't bother anymore, Sean. I know I was just a burden. I won't burden you anymore."

"I'm missing your bed,
I never sleep,
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak."

I find the hottest piece of pavement and sit cross-legged on it, burning my calves which aren't protected by my shorts. Amy sits to my right, and Jay and Towerz sit kind of far away, only out here for the free weed I offered. "Jay, lighter," I order.

He finds it in one of his pockets and offers it to me. I pick up the letter Amy wrote. "You're a stupid bitch," I mumble as I watch it slowly burn away.

"It's not my fault your girlfriend had you on the tightest leash imaginable," Amy retorts.

"Amy, you left it fucking taped to my locker. When I was sick. She got it to bring home to me. Of course she's going to read it, to make sure it's for me at least. You didn't even write my name on the outside. And what you wrote? 'Oh Sean, I know you love her, but fucking you is a greater high than even your best weed,'" I say in a mocking tone.

She shakes her head and scoots closer to Jay. "That's not what I said," she says defensively.

"Cameron, you're very cocksure for someone with a small one," Jay says with a smirk.

"Whatever," I answer as the letters burn in my hand. "I don't want to know how you know that."

"Oh, Sean, Sean Cameron, how could you ever forget that one perfect night we spent together? I'll always remember it," he says. I've never seen him this gone, and that's saying something. Amy hits him across the chest, so he stops.

"I'm so fucking done with this," I say. Towerz offers me the weed, and I just stare at it. "I'm going back to class." I stand up and throw Jay's lighter back at him. "Thanks," I mumble. "You're always there when I need you. God," I start away from them, towards home.

"Wait, Sean," I hear Amy call.

I turn around and squint at her. "What is it?"

She digs through her shoulder bag until her bracelet clanks onto something glass. "I owe you one," she says offering me the bottle of Jack Daniels. "I know it's not your favorite, but..."

"This is fine," I say, grateful to her for this second only. I hide it in my jacket until I hit the tracks, far away from school grounds. At least I won't get busted by Radditch. I take a swig, hoping that with every swallow, the burning picture of Ashley Kerwin that stays in my brain will somehow disappear.

"And this bottle of beast,
Is taking me home."

JT wraps his arm around my shoulder as we head into the dance. This seems so final, our last formal, ever. Maybe next year, I'll tag along to one with JT, for nostalgia's sake. Luckily, this is a sure fire no-Sean zone. It's kind of an unwritten law that he show up to school as little as he can get away with and after school activities are out of the question.

"That's a hot little number," he whispers into my ear. "You have to know that red is definitely your color."

"It's a change from black," I agree. He kisses my cheek. I should be flattered by his act of chivalry, but I worry instead that he smeared my make-up. I take out my pocket mirror as he pays, and nothing's wrong.

He grabs me again by the waist and leads me into the hall. People are mingling all around the room, and I smile at Marco, who is stressed to the point of exhaustion. He's coordinating this dance, and I can't fathom why he takes on all this responsibility. He slightly smiles back before busying himself with Liberty on the stage.

Craig and Emma come over to us. I give them both hugs. Craig holds onto me for an extra second and whispers, "I can't keep up with the men of Ashley Kerwin," which I don't think is quite fair. I'm eighteen years old. These are the days I'm supposed to be dating around, trying before I buy. Giving any excuse for the fact that I cheated on JT.

Emma pulls me aside as Craig and JT get into a fascinating conversation, I'm sure. "We set a date," she confides in a hushed tone.

"That's great!" I say as I wrap my arms around her shoulders. "Congrats, Emma Manning!"

She hits me on the arm playfully. "Anyways, it's June 10th. I shouldn't be showing too much by then. It's just going to be simple, at my house, close friends and family only."

"This is all so exciting," I say and look over at Craig. He's smiling and patting JT on the shoulder knowingly.

Emma catches my eye. "I think Craig just asked him."

"Asked him what?"

"Well," Emma says wringing her hands together. "Craig is asking JT to be his best man." My jaw drops. "And," she says nervously, "I want you to be my maid-of-honor."

I scream happily in shock. "Emma, of course! Why are you even acting nervous?" I give her another huge hug. "How amazing is this going to be?"

I give Emma another hug, but it's interrupted by Craig lifting her up in his arms. "Pretty damn rockin'," he says in response to my question.

JT comes up behind me, wraps his arms around my waist, and rests his head on my shoulder. I tilt my head so that I can see his eyes. "Newlyweds," he says in a mock serious tone. I crack up and turn towards him.

He pulls my laughing form into his until we're kissing on the middle of the dance floor. After a few seconds and the necessary embarrassment from my classmates ogling, I slowly break the kiss. As I do, I realize that a sea of new faces have entered the dance. And in the very back, I immediately notice the slouched posture and security beanie of Sean Cameron. What I didn't expect was his arm ornament. Paige Michalchuk.

I suddenly feel faint and thirsty. I need water. I push my way past everyone and past the double doors. I collapse at a water fountain after I practically inhale a gallon.

"Do you want to leave?" JT asks as he kneels at my feet and brushes hair out of my face. I nod. He puts his hands under me and presses me against his body. My face falls flat against his chest. "Where does your dad live?" he asks as we get closer to his car.

"Just take me home," I answer. "Take me to your house. I need you tonight." So, he does. He doesn't even protest, even though I see his dad's car in the driveway. He lets me crawl under his covers and cuddle against him. He traces circles on my back until I fall asleep.

For the first time since the break-up, I sleep like a baby.

"I'm cuddling close,
To blankets and sheets,
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet.
Make sure I know who's taking you home."

"This is amazing," Manny says as she cuddles closer into me. I pat her soft hair, but I can't help but stare at someone else. Her blonde hair flies as he twirls her, with surprising coordination, around the dance floor. And I realize, through no fault of my own, Paige Michalchuk has won, again, and all my thoughts are focused on her.

I see the way that her hands massage Sean's hair as she giggles with Hazel. I catch Jimmy's eye and give him a desperate look, but he just shrugs and turns his attention back to his girl. God, I could kill him. Bros before hoes, where did that go, Brooks?

"Manny, I uh, this is boring. You wanna head out?" I ask her. I need away, Manny. Please.

"Already?" She looks up at me, and I turn my head. "Okay, that's fine. I thought we could actually head to Heather's for a few minutes before going back to your place, but whatever."

"Awe Manny," I say cupping her face. Lay it on thick, Mason. "I really want tonight to be just me and you. I love you. Aren't you excited to spend the night with me?"

"Of course!" she says as she jumps on me. I sigh. You love her, Spinner, you love her. Just remember that.

We walk out the door closely, and I make a point to laugh loudly as we pass by Paige and the group. Jimmy hits my arm as we pass, but I don't respond. I hate him.

I take her back to my place, thanking the Lord once again that Kendra won that lame poetry contest which sent my parents and her to the states for a week. "I still say you should've thrown a party here," Manny says as we walk into my room. "Heather's is probably lame. I mean, I think you can tell that we're not anyone's favorite couple; it probably would've helped us both out a lot. In the social sense."

"Will you shut up and come over here?" I say as I unbutton my shirt and sit on the bed. She smiles, walks over, and takes off my shirt and undershirt. She falls back onto the bed, and I crawl on top of her, taking off her shirt as I do.

"Cig, hun?" she offers once we're done.

"Sure," I say taking one from the pack, "but since when do you smoke?"

"Since, you knew I smoke, shut up." I give her a questioning look. Manny Santos, you do not smoke. But whatever. "Hey, Spin, I was thinking..."

"Yes?" I mumble. I'm tired.

"Well, I think it would be good and fun, if maybe tomorrow, we had a party here. I could invite the girls and get back on their good side. I mean, I saw Paige with Sean tonight, so she's moving on. We never have fun anymore."

"You didn't think tonight was fun?" I did.

"I mean, fun with our friends. Face it, Spin, we don't have friends."

Well, okay, Captain Blunt. "Manny, a party would be great. Set it up tomorrow, okay? But right now, I'm just tired. I'm going to turn in. Night babe," I say and kiss her forehead.

"Night. You gonna wake up for me tomorrow? I have Spirit Squad at nine."

"Of course," I say into my pillow. "I'll be up at the crack of dawn."

At noon, my eyes register light. It doesn't come to me for a few minutes that I missed Manny this morning, but it's still not a big deal. I get up and stretch. Then, I come across a note she left on my dresser. I open it, still not thinking totally clearly, but close enough.

Hun,

Lots of stupid, cheesy, romantic stuff. You looked adorable. Spirit Squad blah blah. Pick up food, see if you can get beer. Blah. Blah blah.

I Will Love You Always and Forever,

Manny

Oh, well, shit. There's that, too.

"I'm reading your note over again,
And there's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it,
I will love you always and forever."

The phone ringing wakes me from my after-breakfast nap. I roll onto my side with a groan and check the caller ID. Jay. I hit the end button so it will stop ringing, but the fact that he woke me up still stands. I think about getting up, showering, you know, doing something. I'm still tired from the night we had last night. I got pretty wasted pretty early. And that is not a good thing for Sean Cameron.

I decide today shall be a lazy day. Maybe I'll make it into work later, maybe I won't. It depends on my mood. God, I love that. I search the ground for a cd to put on, and I bring up about fifty, all of them burnt or stolen.

The first one that catches my eye is "Ashley loves Sean forever" with a bunch of hearts on it. I throw it on the ground. Cheesy love songs aren't going to cut it. The cd I do decide to put in is an Ash mix, but it's one that talks about all of the pain of her past, mostly losing Ellie. I put it in, and "The Most Depressing Song" comes on.

I can't believe I fucked up the most amazing experience of my life. And now there's perfect little Ms. Michalchuk, who I find myself falling for at a rapid speed. The shit I get from Jay and the looks from Ash still can't penetrate the fact that the chick is hot. Hey, I'm still a guy. She is hot. Things happen that you can't stop at that point.

So, am I moving on from Ashley? No. I'm trying. God, am I trying. I know there's no point to moping over a dead relationship, much how she did. It doesn't make any sense for me to do this. This isn't who I am.

The phone rings, and I look at the caller ID again. Paige's cell phone. I answer it so fast, I see spots. "Hey," I say as calmly and coolly as I can.

"Hey hun." Don't get excited, she calls everyone and their mothers 'hun.' "What are you doing?"

"Um," I kick around a few paper dishes, "I just finished eating. You?"

"Oh, that sounds exciting. I'm driving home from practice. It was so long this morning! But, one good thing did happen. Manny invited me to this shindig that she's throwing at Spinner's tonight. It should be fun."

"As fun as last night?"

She laughs. "Last night was pretty wild. But tonight should be fun, too, ya know? Anyways, I really want to go with you. I can't show up there alone."

I want to tell her that that's what friends are for, but I stop myself. "Sure Paige, I'd love to escort you to your ex-boyfriend's house."

"Don't be like that. I'm over Spinner. He's fucking Manny now. And we're, you know, whatever we are." There is dead air for a few seconds. "What are we?"

"Is this where I'm supposed to tell you that I consider you my girlfriend?"

"If that's how you feel," she retorts.

"Alright, I consider you my girlfriend."

"I don't remember giving you permission to feel that way," she says sarcastically.

"Oh, okay, well, hold on a second while I go bottle this barrage of feelings that came out like Pandora's box."

"What?" she asks. Whoa Cameron, too much emo crying music for you.

"Never mind. Pick me up at 8."

"I'll be there." Click. I miss Ashley. At least she asked me things, instead of telling me.

"Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone and wonder,
How you're making out.
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone,
Making out."

I park the car and walk up her sidewalk. Her brother opens the door before I hit the porch. "Toby, my man, what's going on?"

"Hey Danny," I say hitting him on the shoulder. "Where's your sister?"

"You know that I don't know what chicks do when they're getting ready. You know I don't want to know, especially when it comes to my sister."

"So," I say coming into his house, "she's not ready yet?"

"Yes, she is," Liberty says as she comes down the steps. I give her a passing glance, still pissed that JT went with my sister instead of me. Well, that neither of them went with me. Fuck.

I look at Danny. I know he doesn't have the same twisted relationship with his sister as I do with mine, but he might be bored. "You in, Danny?" I ask.

"With you guys?" he questions.

"Toby, you don't have to," Liberty says.

"Nah, it's cool," I say twirling my keys around. "The more the merrier, eh?"

"Cool. Let me grab some money." He runs up the stairs, and I start out the door.

"We can just leave now," Liberty says as she follows me.

"Your brother's cool."

"Yea, I know, but inviting him on our date?"

I turn around and look at her. "It's a party, Lib. Don't worry about it."

"It's more than a party."

"Is it?" I ask. "Or do you just hope it will be?" I stare her down as Danny comes running out of the house.

"Thought you guys left me."

I break my stare on Liberty to look up at him and smile. "Nah, little Van Zandt. You're in. Let's go," I say getting in the driver's seat. Liberty, in an obviously pissy mood, takes the back, and Danny hops in the front with me.

By the time we get to the party, illegal substances are already out in full force. Manny comes up to me and gives me a huge hug. She's already totally gone. "I am so glad you two are back together!" I try to stop her, but she waves me off. "I always knew you two would end up together. You're both adorable, did you know that? Oh, I love you guys! Liberty," she says grabbing my "date" by the arm, "you have simply got to try this stuff that Jimmy brought. It makes you feel like, amazing. And stuff. Don't worry," she says looking back at me, "I'll get her back to you soon."

They scamper off, and I whisper, "Don't bother." Danny looks at me and laughs. I roll my eyes. "Want a drink?" I yell over the music.

He shrugs. "Whatever, sure. I'll be over with those ladies." He points to a few girls from my grade, and I just laugh.

"I'll find you." I push myself into the Mason kitchen, a place I know well because of my time spent here with Kendra. I open the fridge, which is totally filled with nothing but beer. I grab two Corona's and set them on the kitchen counter. After I close the refrigerator door with my foot, I turn around and see Ashley sitting in front of the beer I had taken out.

"Need this?" she says offering me a bottle opener.

"Thanks," I say taking it out of her hand and opening the two bottles. "Bored yet?"

She laughs. "Not hardly."

And she's drunk. I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner. It is Ashley. I should know everything about her, and I don't know this. I laugh at myself, my own idiocy, as I take a swig of beer. I open my mouth to say something witty or clever, something I haven't exactly thought of yet, when JT comes sauntering in. He's drunk, too. What a shocker.

He puts his arm around Ash. "Tobes, my man, what is up?" he exaggerates the last three syllables as he slaps my hand.

"Toby," Ashley says interrupting JT. "How's Liberty? I can't believe you two are back together. That's insane."

"We're not back together," I state matter-of-factly. "We're just hanging out."

"Whatever, little bro," Ash says. "I have a date with Michelob." She gets up and staggers over to the fridge.

I turn to JT. "And I have a date, with, well, with a beautiful evening." Beautiful evening? I'm getting so corny I even worry myself.

"I'm missing your laugh,
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you're pretending."

I laugh at Toby's retreating figure. That guy is so weird sometimes. I walk over to Ash and wrap my arm around her shoulders. "Guess who," I say.

"I got you a Bud Light. Here."

She starts back into the living room, but I grab her arm. She turns towards me. "It's so pretty out, Ash, come outside with me."

"I want to go mingle," she protests. "I didn't get to mingle last night."

I pout a little. "But I want to cuddle."

"We'll cuddle later. As of right now, I want to go socialize. I need my friends."

"Do you need me?" I ask.

"JT, not now."

"Not now what?"

"I don't want to discuss this now. Can you just let me have a little time with my friends? God, you're so suffocating."

I stare at her. Did she just say that? Suffocating? "If that's how you feel..." I start.

"Well it is! Now just leave me alone, alright? I didn't agree to date you again so you could act exactly the same way you did last time. You know me, you know I need space."

"Whatever Ash," I say slamming the kitchen door open. "You'll get all the space you need. Jesus, why did I think it would be any different? Where's Sean now Ash? Or are you just going to have to find yourself another worthless boy toy?"

"What?" she says in utter shock. Um, did I just say that? Suddenly, the empty kitchen becomes crowded as my peers and classmates watch an interesting argument unfold. "JT, just because you went all insane on me does not mean I have to be walking on egg shells every time I'm around you. Jesus, I cheated on you. I don't even fucking regret it, do you know why? Sean was fun, JT. Sean gave me space. Sean didn't decide one day that he was crazy. He stuck with his life; he dealt with his problems."

"You don't mean this Ash," I say coming closer to her. "This is the alcohol talking."

"Drunk words are sober thoughts, my friend," she says patting my shoulder. "Why don't you run along now, little boy? Run along, I think there's a crazy 'sylum down the road a bit. They'll treat you real nice."

Humiliated, I walk home. I remember catching a glimpse of Manny before leaving. She stood there, obviously drunk, mouth agape, and stared in horror at what Ash had said to me. She looked like she really cared and felt my pain. I pull my hood closed over my head even though it's really warm out. It's a long way home when you're drunk, a long way.

By the time I finally get into my bed, I'm worried sick what Ashley is doing now. She doesn't function normally when she's had a few. She does things which a sober Ashley wouldn't do, and she does things that she'll truly regret once tomorrow morning comes around. And without me there, I don't want to even think about the trouble she's getting herself into. But I do. Because all of my thoughts eventually go back to Ashley.

I love her.

"I'm cuddling close,
To blankets and sheets,
and I am alone.
In my defeat, I wish I knew you were safely at home."

I walk up to Ashley Kerwin, something I've been afraid of doing ever since grade 9. But I guess all the beer that I've been drinking to keep up is having some kind of effect on my confidence. "What the hell was that?" I ask as I corner her into the same door that he just walked out of. I'm smaller than her, a lot smaller, but I feel bigger, and I stand bigger, than her right now.

"Manny, go bother someone else. I'm not in the mood."

"This is my fucking party, don't even think you can talk to me like that. Now," I say getting in her face as she cowers, "I think I asked you a question."

"Can't I have a fight with my boyfriend without everyone fucking caring? Why does it matter?"

"Because JT is a good kid. And you don't deserve him if you're going to treat him like that. God, Ash, you should know that he's better than that. You of all people, Ashley."

"What's your damage?" she spats as she moves past me. I keep my stance even after she's gone for a few seconds before turning around.

I look at the few spectators remaining. "There's nothing to see here folks," I say shooing them away.

"Manny, what the hell just happened?" Spinner asks as he pushes himself past everyone.

"Ashley just said a whole lot of rude shit to JT. God, that dyke."

"Let's try to keep the yelling to a minimum," he says. "Our neighbors are really nosy."

I smile weakly. "Sure thing." He wraps his arm around my waist, and we head back into the living room. "Oh good, Paige and Haze are here. Want to come over with me?"

"I think I'll pass," he says before starting towards Craig, sans Emma. I wonder about it, but realize she probably is sick or something. Being pregnant sucks.

"Paige, hun, hey!" I say as I walk up to them. They're still sort of near the door, just looking around. Sean's standing behind Paige and Jimmy behind Hazel. "You guys just missed a scene.

"Hey hun," Paige says kissing me lightly on the cheek. "What happened?"

"JT and Ashley drama. It was totally harsh. But I got it taken care of, don't worry. I just wish Ashley would get the hint that I don't want her here.

Hazel and Paige laugh. "You have to be very blunt for Ashley to understand anything," Hazel says. "Oh, by the way, nice job on getting Spinner to lighten up."

"Oh," I say looking around. "He was totally up for it. We don't really party much. It's usually just us, so this is definitely good. Hey, who wants a beer?"

Paige looks to her colleagues for an answer. "Um, I think we'll make our way to the kitchen later," she finally responds.

"Well then, just make yourselves at home everyone. I'll be around all night, so just grab me if you need anything. Have fun!" I realize as I walk away that I'm so desperate to get friends, I just made myself sound like a corny waitress.

I pass people on every sort of mental state possible. The stoners are high, the drunks are wasted, and a few people are scattered around with water. Pussies. I find a group of guys low on beer, and I use this as an excuse to get myself more beer. The more beer, the bigger the party.

"I'm missing your bed,
I never sleep,
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast is taking me home."

"Liberty," he says to me as we get outside, "we're not a couple, okay? Will you please stop telling people that? We aren't back together." I see the vein in his temple throb, and it makes me take a step back.

"Toby, I'm sorry, I just..."

He cuts me off. "Liberty, I'm just irritable today. I'm sorry. Can you just have Danny walk you home? I would, but I need to go find my own sibling. She was really scaring me earlier with the JT fight."

Ok, so I love the fact that he and Ash are so close, but sometimes, it's a little too close. It's almost as if he'd rather be dating her. "Sure, I'll go home with Danny. It's not a problem. But Toby, please don't be mad at me for tonight. What I did was stupid, and I know we're not together. You're just a really good friend, and I don't want to ruin that. So can we go back to being friends? I'd really like that."

He looks up at me with sympathy in his eyes. Sympathy that mocks me. "Of course, Libs. You know we're always going to be like this." He wraps his arm around my shoulders, but it's stiff, and it's not the same. "Well, I'm going back in. So, bye, and stay safe." He kisses my forehead as he leaves, and I wonder if he'll ever know how important he is to me.

"Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
And sit alone and wonder,
How you're making out.
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone,
Making out."

I run back inside, passing Danny as I do. "Your sister's waiting for you," I say pointing to the door. He nods.

I scan the entire downstairs in a few minutes, but she's not down here. I didn't expect her to be. She wouldn't mingle after the fight she just had. I climb the stairs and take a deep breath as I look at the row of closed doors awaiting me. I knock on the first door, and I hear Sean gruffly yell at me from inside. "I'm looking for Ash!" I say.

"She's not in here." I don't know if I quite believe him, so I stay outside that door for a few more minutes. Finally, I get the confirmation I need when I hear Paige moan a little.

I try the next door, but Jimmy yells. I sigh heavily as I try the last door. I hear a few muffled noises, and then the door clicks open. "Ash, I've been loking everywhere for you," I say as she comes out into the hall.

"Been thinking," she says. She offers me in by kicking the door open, and I follow her in. I turn around and close the door. After thinking about it, I decide to lock it. Just my fantasies, sure, but you never know.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I ask, and I flick a penny onto her lap.

"Not worth sharing," she answers. I take a seat next to her on the bed. All of the sudden, her head is in my lap and my fingers are stroking her hair.

If she only knew what I was thinking, she'd never speak to me again. "God, Tobes, why did I let him come back to me?"

"He's a nice kid."

"He brings me nothing but heartache," she says.

"Love's a many complicated thing."

She sighs and brings her head upright. I'm disappointed, but then she turns to face me, and our faces are inches apart. "I'm sorry," she says without moving. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"Not at all," I answer quickly.

She laughs at me. After a few seconds, she moves her face a little bit closer. I know it's only the beer in her system making her do this, but I still want it more than anything I've ever wanted before. "What about now?" she asks.

"I'm still fine," I say, slower and not as squeaky as the first time.

It's a game now. She moves her face slightly closer. "Uncomfortable yet?"

"Nope," I answer.

Her face moves just a little closer, but our lips brush each other. "Now, you have to be uncomfortable."

"I'm not," I say. I lean into her enough so that the kiss is formed. I feel her tongue on mine, wrestling for control. I feel my hands move to the small of her back. I've fantasized about this moment at least a million times, but it happening is an even greater thrill than any fantasy.

I move her slowly to a lying position, which is enough to break the kiss. "Do you think," I ask as I crawl on top of her. "Do you think this is right?"

She looks at me and smiles. "No, Toby. This isn't right."

"Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities,
And taking its wear."