I Need You So Much Closer
A/N: Have I told you lately that I love Jamie? I really do. She's the ying to my yang. Anyways, she's my total and utter inspiration. Without her, I'd be staring at a blank chapter 3 wondering "where do I go from here?" and wondering if anyone, other than myself, cares at all. Yes, that means you need to review so Katy feels loved. And love Jamie. Cause I sure do.
Disclaim Bee: "Hands Down" belongs to, guess who, Dashboard Confessional. God, I'm obsessed. Degrassi belongs to CTV.
Chapter 6: Hands Down
I cross my legs on the chair awkwardly. I stare at the blank pieces of paper I laid out on my make-up table and shift uncomfortably. I shouldn't even be allowed to call this wretched stool a chair. I fall off of the chair and land haphazardly on my bed, taking a few of the blank papers with me.
Why did I have to be valedictorian? Honestly, what am I supposed to say to my class? What words of advice do I have to give? I haven't even had a real relationship with any member of the graduating class, save Craig, since Ellie died. Am I supposed to talk about that? I can't.
And I can't even think. Tomorrow's my graduation. Tomorrow, I commence my real life. Everything to this point has been something that is meant to be buried. I'm supposed to be nostalgic right now, to have a good cry and a few good laughs with people that I've shared my life with. But I can't. Because every person that I've shared my life with hates me. My past is like a bad party or a long class that you watch the clock until you can leave. Tomorrow's the bell.
But I'm Ashley Kerwin the screw-up. I've done some pretty stupid shit in my life. I didn't want to be boring, so I took E. I didn't want to move on from Craig, so I moped. I didn't want to admit that I had felt true love, so I cheated on J.T. Sean was the only thing that I can't attribute to being my mistake. That was all him. Ellie's dead, and I couldn't stop her. And now, I've crossed so many lines. With my god damned step-brother. How could I? How could he? Were we that plastered?
My phone rings again, and I stare as his name pops up on the cell screen. I start to sob violently, but there's no tears left. I simply shake and heave on my bed, trying to remember how exactly tomorrow will be the best day of my life. I guess it won't be, not unless I fix this brilliant mess that I've created, very much single-handedly.
He calls back, again and again, and the vibrations of my phone are incorporated into my body. Finally, I stop convulsing long enough to answer. "I'll be there in a half hour," I say before hanging up. I can't hear his voice. It would, at this point, drive me over the edge.
I pull onto my old street and wait at the corner. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2... He runs out just on time. He stops before my car and stares at me like a deer caught in the headlights. Without thinking, I honk my horn. I don't know why I'm so impatient, but I am. "Sorry," he mumbles weakly sliding into the seat next to mine.
He closes the door, and we drive in silence. I stare out the window longingly, but I can still feel him occupying the car. He's still here. Why? Please, leave. Why did I do this to myself? How could I do it to him?
I take a deep breath before stopping at some long abandoned park. The swingsets are rusted, that is considering that there's only one or two swings still left on them, and even the grass had some weird, brownish tint. Like it's lifelessness radiates, still radiates, ready and willing to infect anyone who dares contact it. And I dare.
I grab my bag and head quickly to the first swingset. He follows, but quieter and slower, but I don't dare turn around and acknowledge him. Not yet. I search through my bag until my fingers hit a very familair, very comfortable object. My shaking fingers pull out a pack of cigarettes, and somehow, I manage to light one and set it against my lips. Inhaling deeply, I look up, finally, and decide to face my actions.
"I thought you were trying to quit," he says, looming over me like some shadowy ghost.
"Things change. Toby, I'm so sorry," I say, my eyes quickly darting anywhere but his face.
"For what?" he asks.
"God. Please don't pretend, don't make this harder than it has to be. I made a mistake, Toby. I had a fight with J.T., and you were there, and you've always been the only guy I've ever loved. I think, I mean, I might love J.T. But I love you so much more. And then look what I did! You're never going to forgive me. Toby, Jesus, if you knew how sorry I was..." The tears that I didn't think were there pour out at this fresh unbandaged wound.
"No, you shouldn't be sorry. You can't be. Things happened, but Ash, they're in the past. We can forget it, okay?"
I look at him, only sniffling now, the tears burrowing back into their ducts. "You hate me."
He grabs me by the shoulders(I'm sure he's looking out to make sure this is platonic enough) and lifts me off the swing. He puts his arm around my shoulders(again, platonic) and leads me back towards the car. "Ash, you're my sister. You're like, amazingly important to me. I could never hate you. More than that, I'd rather hate myself. I don't think life would be any fun without you."
I laugh one of those awkward, 'I-just-got-done-crying' laughs and put my cigarette out with my shoe. I'm going to quit, for good this time. Just as long as things with J.T. go as well as this.
"Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep.
This air is blessed, you share with me."
"Spinner," she whispers in my ear. A chill goes down my spine, and I turn towards her. Shivers. She still gives me shivers.
"Babe," I answer with a peck on her lips. She then forms them into a smile against my cheek.
"I love you, Spinner Mason. I can't believe you're graduating tomorrow. Wow, I love you."
I gather her in my arms, pressing her body as close against mine as I can. "I love you, too."
"What do you think is going to happen from here?" she asks, her fingers tracing over my stomach and her head resting on my shoulder.
"Well, you're going to watch me graduate, and then we're going to have the most amazing summer of our lives."
"Yes...?" she says. "Go on."
"And then, we'll see."
"Spin, you're going to university. I love you, Spin. But you're not going to want to be with a high school chick when you have all these other, more experienced, university, well, you know, women." The way she said women was so cute, I have to kiss her. She slaps me playfully. "Well, Spinner, what's it going to be?"
"You, Manny," I say burrowing into her neck. "It's always going to be you. Don't even have to ask."
This seems to satisfy her enough to let me slip the condom on.
"This night is wild, so calm and dull.
These hearts they race from self-control.
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine.
We're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all."
He sits on the edge of his bed as I go through all his clothes. There is absolutely nothing here worthy, but I grin and he has no idea what I'm thinking. "Dylan's home, I'm sure he'll let you borrow something, if you want."
"So the blue jacket is a no go?"
I bite my bottom lip and shake my head. "Not with black pants, sweetie. But we're going over for dinner anyway. Why don't you wear the blue jacket tonight? With these pants?" I say holding up a pair of khackis.
"I didn't even know I still had those. Babe, I haven't worn those since grade 7. The first time."
"Will you wear them with jeans?" I say, batting my eyelashes.
He raises his eyebrow. "Jeans and a polo, and that's my final offer."
I break into a huge grin. "Thanks. Tonight's going to be so much fun."
He gives me a look. "Fun, right. Dinner with the perfect Michalchuk family. Paige, your family is going to hate me."
I roll my eyes. "They're not going to hate you! My mom is so excited, and well, my dad's weird. He'll like you a lot more than you think. And Dylan has already met you, and he doesn't have a problem."
"Except that Jay used to call him Homochuk."
"Hey, Sean, hey," I say snapping my fingers in front of his face. "Are you Jay?" No response. "Are you Jay?" I say with a twang of sarcasm.
"No," he finally answers.
"Is my brother blind?"
"No."
"Well, then, we have no problem."
"Paige, it's not that simple. There's still a problem."
"And what would the problem be?" I hold up the only two wearable polo shirts in his closet against my chest. "Do you like the green better?"
"I liked the white, but whatever you want is fine." I stare at them contemplatively for a few more seconds, but this is just for show. Of course the green is better. There's no competition.
I go to toss the white one back in the closet when Sean stands up hurriedly and grabs my hand. "No, it's not fine, never mind I said that. I am Sean Cameron, and sometimes, it seems like you've fucking forgot that. I need to be who I was before Paige 'the fucking fairy princess' Michalchuk, and Ash, and goddamnit all of them."
I throw both the shirts in the closet, and turn on my heel and walk out of the room. "Wear whatever the hell you have on now."
I stand in the hall with my arms crossed for a few seconds before I hear sobbing. I turn around, and I'm confronted by the last sight I've ever expected to find. "Sean," I say hurrying to him and wrapping an arm around him. "Sean, please tell me what's wrong."
He scoffs and turns his head away. "You don't want to know. Trust me."
"I'm Paige Michalchuk," I say with my silly little 'Miss Right' attitude as my mom calls it, "the Gossip Queen of Degrassi. Of course I want to know!"
He manages a sharp laugh. "I guess, considering you," he turns and faces me, "I've had four girlfriends, right?"
I do a little light addition. "Yea, that seems about right."
"But that's not the end of my, erm, romantic past."
I raise my eyebrows. "A hooker? Some crazy thirty year old mother of three? Oh, now it's getting good." I rub my hands together in anticipation.
"No, our grade. You know, um, this person very well."
"Hazel? Manny? Oh, it's Manny, isn't it? How juicy!"
"It's Marco," he says cutting me off.
I stare at him blankly. "Del Rossi?"
"Yea, that's him."
"Sean, you're not..."
"I'm bi. Or I was bi. Or something. It was a really weird time."
"Apparently," I scoff.
"Paige, please. Do you know how hard this was to tell you?"
I look at him and manage a half-smile. "I'm sorry. I really do admire you, and everything. I'm going to be accepting, I promise."
"Thanks. Anyways, it was only once, or I mean, not once, but not a lot. It's been over for awhile, a long while, since Ash and I got serious. But, I just thought you should know."
He's so lucky he's so hot. I just want to rip that shirt off of him, and bite his.... okay, Paige, stop. Get back on track here. "I'm totally cool with it. A past is in the past for a reason. Let's go, um, to my house, now." I stumble over the last few words, and he realizes this and laughs.
"Green, you did say," he says rummaging through his closet. I smile brightly. Tonight's not going to be so horrible after all.
"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,
So won't you kill me, so I die happy?"
I run down the steps of her basement as fast as my legs can carry me. "Craig?" she asks. She's laying on her bed, a book tossed onto her night table without a second glance, and the television on some Lifetime movie or something.
"I know you said you weren't feeling well, but Em, I'm graduating tomorrow. I couldn't not see you. I mean, I tried, but it sucked. I wanted to be here, with you."
She laughs. "I look like shit, but I guess it's okay. Here," she pats an empty space next to her, "we can pig out on this monstrous bucket of ice cream together."
I laugh and slide down next to her. "Sounds like a plan," I say grabbing the spoon out of her hand right as she's about to shovel some into her mouth. I eat it before she can grab it back.
"Didn't anybody ever tell you about rule numero uno?"
"And what's that?" I say wiping some excess 'cream off the corners of my mouth.
"You never," she gets closer, "never," grabs my hand but doesn't attempt to take the spoon back, "ever take food from a pregnant woman!" She then yanks the spoon so hard and fast out of my hand, I instantly start rubbing my hand instead of trying to get the spoon back.
After erupting in a fit of giggles(yes, both of us), I decide it's time. I mean, it's way late, but better late than never, right?
I pat my pocket to make sure it still is(it is) then I roll her onto her stomach facing me. "Em," I say cupping her face, "God, you're so beautiful."
She smiles and tries to turn away, but I don't let her. "Sorry, I'm not done. No, I mean, wow. This is really hard. Words are really, really hard."
"What is it?" she asks, looking a little suspicious.
"I really wanted to ask you that night we had dinner with Sean and Ash. God, you looked so beautiful that night. So amazing," I feel her tense up against my fingers, but she soon relaxes and smiles at me encouragingly. I brush some hair away from her eyes and continue. "I think you look even more amazing tonight, like this. Emma Nelson, I know that we've set a date and this may seem odd to you, but," I pull the ringbox out of my pocket, "I thought you should have this. I looked for one as beautiful as you, and this was the best I could do."
She takes the ring box shakily, and opens it slowly. She immediatly raises one hand to cover her gaping mouth as tears stream down her face. I feel so great, like such a man, responsible for her happiness. I want to keep her this happy forever. "Craig," she wraps her arms around my neck and forces her lips against mine forcefully, "this is gorgeous. How did you ever afford it?"
I smile at her and kiss her again, lightly. "I'm going to take care of you, Emma. Okay?" She nods. I kiss her again, but harder. I love her.
"My heart is yours, to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry,
Whichever you prefer."
I follow Paige into Dylan's room. She immediatly goes through the closet and throws a white jacket on the bed. "No way," I say quickly. "That's too gay."
"Calm down, straight eye," she says. "That is what Dylan's wearing tomorrow. I have to set it aside or I might forget."
I raise my eyebrows. Okay? She grabs three more and presses these against her chest as well. "What I wouldn't give to be a jacket," I joke.
She raises her eyebrows. "You'll have your chance." She tosses a lighter blue on the bed next to the white one. "Should we go, super formal, black tie only?" she asks holding up the black jacket. "Or the, I don't really care that much, but my girlfriend asked me nicely to wear a jacket, and I love her enough to do so?" she says holding up another blue jacket.
I grab the black one out of her hand. "Black. It's kind of my trademark color."
She laughs at me. "Here let me help you put it on," she says adjusting my sleeves. She rolls it up a little. "I think Mom can't get this done tonight. Alright, shirts."
She opens a drawer full, yes full, with nothing but dress shirts. I sigh and sit on the end of the bed. She pulls them all out and heaves them onto the bed. "I want to wear a white shirt."
She gives me a look. "You're not going to a funeral." As soon as she says it, a look comes over her face and she covers her mouth with her hand daintily. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
"Don't worry about it," I say patting her arm. "I know what you mean. What do you think?"
"Personally, I like the lime green," she says holding it up. I give her a look of disgust. "Kidding, honest. I was really thinking more light blue." She holds it next to my jacket.
"That looks fine," I answer.
"Alright," she says, very pleased with herself. "Well, here are a few different sizes of dress pants. You try those on, and I'm going to go help my mom with dinner. Come down when you're done, and put the clothes you're going to wear tomorrow in a separate pile so I know which you chose. Okay?"
"Yes, Princess. I think I can handle it."
"Good," she says. She kisses me on the cheek and skips out of the room. I shake my head at her while I close the door. I turn around and take in Dylan's room. The way everything is in order, so clean and proper, it makes me sick. It makes me want this. I want to be clean and neat, but I can't. I'm not gay.
I pick up a few of Dylan's pictures that are laid out on top of his dresser. I thumb through them, not noticing them completely, but there's a look on Dylan's face that makes me keep looking. "Good pictures, huh?" I hear. I drop the pictures back on to the dresser and spin towards the voice.
"Dylan, I'm sorry, I was just..."
"Bored of my sister?" he finishes. "I understand. Really, I do, don't worry about it."
I nod. "Bored of Paige?" I joke. "Never."
He catches my eye and smiles at me. I turn away slowly, but I smile back, except my smile's kind of aimed towards his carpet. "Do you want me to go or something? Were you changing?" He motions towards the huge mound of clothes on his bed.
I roll my eyes. "Well, something like that. But, don't worry about it. You can stay."
"You still gonna change?" he jokes. His hair, God, his hair. Yes, I want you to stay so I can change. I don't want to get redressed. God. Stop the thoughts. This is Dylan. Paige's brother. The ultimate in bad judgement, Cameron. "God, lighten up. It was a joke."
"I know, I know," I answer quickly. "I was just thinking, about it, I mean, not that I would, but I had to think, no I mean, I knew I wouldn't, but..."
"Sean, I like you, you're a good kid, but sometimes you just gotta shut up."
"Right," I answer with a nod. "Shut up."
He looks at me strangely. They really, really need to make a dumbass of the year award. For me. "I'm just gonna," he says and points to the door. "I'll see you at dinner."
"Yea, I'll be down in a few," I say. We stand awkwardly before he laughs and walks out. I finally let out the air I didn't know I had in my lungs. Well, that was awkward.
"The words are hushed, let's not get busted,
Just lay entwined here undiscovered."
I watch him walk down my front walk and get in the new car his parents just bought him for his 17th birthday. His taste lingers upon my lips, and I'm afraid to turn around and go back inside for fear that this fantasy might be ripped from my fingertips. Finally, after he's rounded the corner at the end of my street, I decide to go back in.
I go into my room and pick up the phone. I quickly dial Kendra's number and wait for someone to pick up. "Hello?" she asks.
"Ken!" I scream. I didn't even realize I was this excited.
"Hey Libby, what's up?"
"Guess who was just here!"
"Um, Chad Michael Murray?"
"Oh my God, I would so die. But, no, okay, Toby. How weird, yet so so great is that?" I smile so wide that my ears hurt.
"Oh," the tone of her voice decreases significantly. "That's great. So you two are a couple now? Wow. How awesome for you." She doesn't sound the least bit happy. Jealous bitch.
"I guess we are," I answer with a sarcastic tone. She's my friend. She should be happy for me. And, quite honestly, I'm quite peeved that she isn't happy for me. Toby and she were like two years ago. It's Toby and me now. We're the new Paige and Spinner.
"Well, did you get some?"
"Kenny!" I answer indignantly, forgetting for a second what a jealous bitch she is.
"Well, there's gotta be a reason you're so giddy. I bet you did. Toby and I only kissed the whole two years we went out..." And here comes the jealousy.
"Kendra, I'm happy because the love of my life realized what a fool he had been. I'm not happy because I got some weird Kama Sutra-induced orgasm."
"Oh Libby, I always knew you were an S&M kind of girl."
"Well, I just called you to tell you the good news. But, I'm not really in the mood for your suggestive language and such. I guess I'll just see you at graduation."
She laughs. Stupid bitch. "Yea, I'll see you there." Click.
"Safe in here from all the stupid questions,
'Hey did you get some'
Man, that is so dumb."
I shovel some more potatoes into my mouth as Paige rambles on about what the rest of the Spirit Squad got her for graduation, which includes a lot of jewelry and a lot of pictures, neither of which I'm overly interested in. I stare at Dylan's jaw as he chews a bite of chicken and then swallows it. He goes to cut off another piece, but he catches my eye first. I look away, back at Paige, suddenly, but he knows how obvious that is.
So, I decide to go for it. I mean, at this point, I've got nothing to lose. He's caught me staring. I lift up my leg, and it hovers gently in the air between us for a few seconds. Then, I have a sudden stroke of confidence, and I get my leg to gently tap his on his calf. He looks up at me with a confused expression, but I just hold his stare. He quickly averts his gaze and attention back to Paige. In embarassment, I do too.
"I'm just a little mad that Manny got captain. I mean, I guess she has been the grade 11 with the Squad for the longest, but she's done some reproachable things in her past. I hope she doesn't give the Squad a bad name." Paige is obsessed with the Spirit Squad and Manny, because of that whole Spinner going after her for her sex.
It starts slowly, innocently. He's taken off his shoes, or he wasn't wearing them to begin with, I forget. He brushes my ankles on the outside of my pants. I look up at him and smile a knowing smile, somehow hoping that will urge him to continue. He does, his foot creeping up until it reaches where it seems his foot was destined to reach.
I clank my fork loudly against my plate. Paige turns and stares at me. Mrs. Michalchuk looks over. "Did you want some more, Sean?"
"No thank you, Mrs. Michalchuk."
Paige turns away from me and glances at her watch. "It's getting late. The other girls are probably already at Ashley's. Do you want me to drop you off?" she asks me.
"I can drop him off," Dylan says quickly. "He wasn't done trying to find pants earlier. We both decided to give up and eat and start again after. So, we'll do that and then I'll take him home."
A disbelieving look flashes across Paige's face before she shakes her head to get rid of it. "Just leave what you need to have mended out on Dylan's bed," she says. She kisses me on the cheek and gets up. "I'll be back early tomorrow, okay mom?"
"That's fine sweetie."
She walks into the other room. I hear keys dangling and then the door opens and closes. "We better get started," Dylan says as he swallows his last piece of chicken. "Thanks for dinner, Ma."
"Yes, thank you Mrs. Michalchuk. It was delicious." I give her a half smile before following Dylan to his room.
He clears his bed of all his clothes as I shut and lock the door. He turns towards me and pushes his lips onto mine so hard, that I fall back, the door catching and stopping me. This doesn't bother him; he slips his tongue into my mouth and grabs me, holding me against him. "You're so rough," I comment as he leads me to the bed. "Is this what Marco meant when he said you were rough?"
Dylan laughs. "Marco was a good kid, but not as strong as we are. He couldn't handle it." I nod; I know this very well.
"I'm sorry about the whole, me and Marco thing."
He laughs. "Don't be sorry about it."
I push him onto the bed and crawl on top of him. "Well, I'm not a cheater. I haven't cheated on Paige. Until now."
I start to bite and suck on his neck, creating what I'm sure would be an interesting little something to explain in the morning. "Good. You shouldn't cheat on my sister." He lets out a soft moan as I hit what I assume to be one of his pleasure spots. "Except with me."
"Stay quiet, stay near, stay close,
they can't hear, so we can get some."
I smile and jump up as I see Paige cross the threshold into Ashley's house. I grab her in a hug after she drops her overnight bag. "It has been so dead without you," I say so none of the other guests can hear. Musn't be rude, Hazel.
"I hear this party needs a little dose of Paige," she says sauntering into the living room. I chuckle lightly at her; Paige is so crazy sometimes. Even after all she's been through, she's still the funniest and most outgoing person I know. I respect her so much for that.
We sit around, watching our favorite movies, even a few home movies from Paige and Ash's pre-school days, and playing truth or dare. Heather Sinclair came clean about all the guys she's gone down on, including Spinner which freaked Paige out until she realized it was a joke. I mean, Heather and Spinner. Yea, right.
My phone starts to vibrate wildly in my pocket just as I'm supposed to tell them all the secret reason I got detention back in grade 10. Oh, if they only knew. "Jimmy!" I say happily, saved by the boyfriend.
"Hey babe," he answers. "Having fun?"
Paige gives me a nudge so I look up. She points to Ash who mouths the words "invite him." "I'd be having more fun if you were here," I finally answer.
"Is that an invite?" he asks.
"Yup."
"Well, I'll bring a few of the guys then. It'll be a real party."
"Can't wait," I say and snap my phone closed. "He's coming," I say to the anxious girls. "And bringing some of the guys."
They all look happy for a second. "Well," Paige says. "Turn off those home movies!"
Jimmy comes about a half hour later with Spinner and Craig. "Hey baby," Jim says as he wraps me in his arms and kisses me sweetly. All the other girls "oooh" from the living room, but I just blush and brush them off.
Spinner and Craig go over to talk to Ashley, and other than noticing that Paige seemed very bored and agitated at the whole ordeal, I didn't really notice anything the rest of the night. Just Jimmy and I. I'm so lucky that we're going to be together forever. I wouldn't have it any other way.
"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,
So won't you kill me, so I die happy?"
I sit at my computer, bored out of my mind. I can't believe Spin would go and hang out at a grade 12 party, one in which Paige is no less, without me. And I can't believe that I rely solely on him to do anything. It's so sad. I wish I had other friends.
The thought of calling Emma passes briefly through my head, but I veto that one. Emma's changed since her pregnancy. Ashley and her are as close as ever. In fact, I'm sure Em is the only grade 11 at that party tonight. Yea, I bet.
That leaves a few grade 10's on the Spirit Squad and the feeble amount of grade 11's that still talk to me. The Squad girls are probably just going to go get drunk and get with random guys, so that's not a go. I finally just pick up the phone and dial the number of the one person who I've been avoiding so well for so long.
"Yello," he answers after the second ring.
"Hey....it's Manny," I say.
"Wow, Manny. Hey, Manny. Yea, definitly not expecting this, sorry. What's going on?"
"Ha. Well, nothing. But you know that's not true. But the truth takes too long to explain. So, we'll just say nothing. How about you?"
"Nothing. But mine is the truth. But, I'm not the kind of guy who asks just to make small talk. I really want to know."
"Well then, I'll be over in twenty," I say. I expect refusal, or at least hesitation, but I'm shocked.
"Alright, maybe you'll be able to cure my boredom."
He opens the door a half hour later in sweat pants and a torn up t-shirt. It's not what I was expecting, but I can't say I'm surprised. "Come on in," he says with a smile.
I enter the Yorke residence, and a feeling comes over me. Something strange, yet not totally foreign. I feel, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm home. "I was just watching Lord of the Rings, for like the seventy-third time. My obsession has hit a new peak."
I laugh at him. So cute, so funny, and I wonder how in the world Ashley hurts him like she does. I join him on the couch. I've never given the movies a chance, for good reason I soon realize because I have no idea what's going on. But we don't really watch it anyways. We attempt to throw popcorn into each other's mouths, and I watch as he tries to balance a spoon on his nose. Not good.
"J.T., you're such a dork," I say grabbing the falling spoon before it hits the ground.
"But that's why you love me, oh-so-much."
"And who says I love you?" I say with a newly cocky attitude.
"Oh, a little birdie told me. You aren't trying to say that the little birdie lied, are you?"
I feign shock. "Oh no! Little birdies can't lie! They just can't. It's like, anatomically impossible."
"I'm so proud. My little Manny's getting all grown up, using a-dult words."
"Shut up J.T.," I say punching him lightly in the shoulder. He grabs my hand for retaliation and I draw back in anticipation. Somehow, this leads to him falling on top of me on the couch. We're still laughing, but it slowly dies down. We're both obviously aware of each other's close proximity, but it doesn't seem weird. No, it doesn't seem weird at all.
He leans in and brushes his lips against my forehead. He's so sweet; I'm so tantalized. "Manny, we can't do this. You have a boyfriend."
No! Boyfriends don't matter. Oh God, yes they do. Ah, look at J.T.'s lips. His mouth, turned upright in a smile for you. His eyes, glistening, hoping for some sign of permission. You have to do this. This is what you do, Manny.
I owe J.T. He wasn't my first love, but he should've been. He's always been there for me, much more than any boyfriend of mine, other than the current one. I love him. But I owe J.T. In that, there's something much, much bigger.
So I kiss him.
"My heart is yours, to fill or burst,
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry,
Whichever you prefer."
Mr. Radditch looks down on me, beeming something fierce, as he announces me as the Valedictorian of the class of 2006. I smile broadly as I walk to the podium. He shakes my hand, and I keep from shaking. I'm about to put on the biggest show of my life, and the only problem lies in whether the people who supposedly know me the best will buy it. "Ashley Kerwin," he says still shaking my hand again. "Somehow, I never doubted it would be you up here giving this speech. Everyone knows you certainly deserve it."
A person's words in this situation are supposed to encourage you, am I right? So, why do his words only dishearten me to the point of hopelessness? I can never deliver a speech in front of these people. What am I doing?
But I take the mic, and it's my time to shine. Suddenly, the power of so many eyes and ears on me is empowering. So daunting, yet so exhilerating. I could bask in this feeling for the rest of my life. Now I know what it means to make your graduation speech.
"Today, I am honored by the chance to speak to you, my classmates, friends, mentors, and family. Looking back over my high school years, I am reminded of a famous line from the 1970 movie 'Love Story.' The quote is: 'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' If this statement is held true, then I must admit to everyone here that I have not loved anyone.
"So, I am finally ready to apologize for this. I have made entirely too big of a deal out of the little things. Coming on to my commencement into, what most call, the real world, I have come to realize that I am tired of creating bad memories for myself.
"As your valedictorian, I am thought of as a leader and therefore able to give advice to you. Although I'm sure most of you will look at me as an pompous ego-maniac, I'm going to do just that. My advice to you, class of 2006, is to please, please do not make the same mistakes I have. Please accept apologies the first time as sincere as you know they are. If not, you might not know the wonderful friends and even better memories you'll be missing out on.
"The high school years here weren't the best for any of us. The tragic and premature loss of Ellie Nash is something that none of us expected nor were prepared for in the least. It was a blow to the entire Degrassi community, but it hit a few of us the hardest. Ellie was an amazing human being, and I'm sure she would like nothing more than for all of us to be able to live in the moment.
"She has grounded me so much, even in death, especially in death. I know now how my actions affect everyone I contact. I have so much to do, and in the end, so little time. In the words of modern-day poets Switchfoot: 'Life is a day that doesn't last for long.' So, now is the time to do what we've always wanted. We may not have the world at our fingertips, but we're close, aren't we?
"I have only one more thing to ask of you. I want each of you to do something you've always wanted to do, and it's now possible. I want you to do it tomorrow. We're not in high school anymore, so I can't technically call it homework. But, just think about the fact that I may check up on each of you.
"So, congratulations and good luck. And to each of you, you'll always have a friend at Degrassi. Peace."
"Hands down, this is the best day,
I can ever remember."
"Toby," I say grabbing my best friend, or old best friend, or whatever he is, and pulling him out of the shelter. "Is she here?"
"Come to the Kerwin graduation party, we have the one and only valedictorian of Degrassi's class of 2006." He deepens his voice dramatically for effect.
"Oh," I peer in. Sure enough, I see her shaking hands with a couple of anonymous elderly people. Maybe great aunt and uncle? Who knows. Who cares. "I can't believe Kate and Jeff helped Albert and Christopher with this whole thing. It doesn't seem like something they'd want to be involved in."
"Yea," Toby agrees leaning against the wall. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "It's been awkward."
"Since when do you smoke?" I shoot at him without thinking.
"I don't know, but it's sure a hard habit to break." Whatever.
"Do you think the speech was about me? The making mistakes part?"
Toby shrugs and takes a puff. "How the hell should I know? Ashley never understands what she's writing about, and you shouldn't try to figure it out."
"Well, I am going to find out." I turn away from him and hurry into the shelter. She's alone now, smiling at everyone from her spot next to the food table. I take a deep breath, determined to start talking before she even sees me. Her jaw drops as she gazes upon me, and I slow my pace down to a slow walk. She suddenly smiles, and envelopes me in a hug as I come closer.
"How did you know?" she asks taking my hand.
"Know what?"
"How did you know that all I've been doing is thinking about you. How did you know that you're the only person I wanted to be here. How did you know how sorry I was?"
I shrug, my fingers intertwining her's. "I guess I'm just genius like that."
In love? Maybe. Okay, definitly. This girl has got me head over heels, and she knows it. She pulls me out onto the makeshift dance floor. I feel her body pressed against mine, and I'm home. I'm in love. But, will I let her walk all over me anymore? I'm older, and she's reformed. Or at least she's attempted to reform. Either way, we're going to be equals from this point on. I need her, but she needs me, too. She knows this. Our palms pressed together for dear life tell me this. I deserve respect. And this time around, I'm going to get it. I'm J.T. Yorke. Don't no one mess with this shit.
"I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, The dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair,
That you twirled in your fingers."
"Ow," I say gripping his hand tighter. I look up with sympathetic eyes. "I don't know where all these pains are coming from. Maybe I should go home and ask my mom for some pills or something."
"Emma," he says concernedly, "maybe you should get to the hospital. What if it's serious?"
"No Craig. I'm fine. I wouldn't want to ruin tonight for you. It's your graduation night, and these pains are nothing. I mean, they hurt, but they're not serious. I can tell. Don't worry about it. Pregnancy isn't a walk in the park."
He kisses my temple. "I love you, Emma Nelson."
"I love you, too. So, we're going to Spinner's for a bit and then Ash's?"
"Yea," he answers.
"And your's is tomorrow?"
"Yup. Graduation parties are confusing shit."
"You can say that again." He holds the door to the run down club where Spinner's party is. My eyes dart around the room nervously; I am not friends with anyone here. "I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm not sure what help that will do, but I'll be back in a few minutes. K?"
"Sure. Hope you feel better soon," he kisses me again before I head towards the bathroom. I walk into it and initially gag from the smell. After a second, I force my nostrils to get used to it, and I bear the smell.
"Are you alright?" I whip my head around at another voice in the supposedly abandoned bathroom.
"Manny," I say cautiously. "I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine," she says turning on the faucet. "Come on, Em, you act like I haven't been through this already."
"With the same guy. Manny, I am quite aware."
"So talk to me, Em," she says as she wipes her hands off on the back of her jeans. I stare at her unhygenic ways, my OCD showing through a little. "Even if we're not the best friends we were in grade 7, I really do care about you."
"That's very noble of you, Manny, but I'm fine. I've just been having some pains while we walked over here, and I thought the bathroom would be a safe hideout. I was a bit wrong, as you can tell."
"What kind of pains," she asks.
"I don't know. Sharp. Inconsistent. Painful."
"Em, go check your underwear."
"What?" I say stepping back from her.
She pushes me into the stall. "See if you're bleeding! Now!"
Something about her tone of voice makes me nervous, and I follow her directions impeccably. I push open the door a few seconds later. "Manny," I say looking up at her with tears stinging my eyes. "There's blood. There's a lot of blood."
"And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late,
And this walk that we shared together."
"Paige," I sigh wrapping my arm around her waist. "It's late. Can we get going soon?" The truth? Dylan keeps looking at me, and which each passing glance, I grow more attracted to him and more ashamed of myself. I just need out.
"Sean, it's my graduation party."
"I know. But what's better, sitting here in this stuffy shelter, making awkward small talk with members of your family whom you thought dead, or going home to an empty house, and letting me give you the best damn graduation gift ever?" I kiss her neck in a way that no one can see.
"Okay hun, you just answered your own question." She grabs my hand, and with a quick wave to her parents and Dylan, we're suddenly walking outside. The air smells sweet, something that occurs rarely after a light rain. I squeeze her hand.
"Cold?" I ask. The air smells sweet and that's good, but the earlier rain also causes the cold to stick to your skin as you walk.
"A little," she answers. I drop her hand and wrap my arm around her, pulling her closer. "I'm surprised Dylan didn't try to stop us," she says snuggling against me.
"Why would he?" I answer. My mouth goes immediatly dry at the mention of his name, and I cough to alleviate the pressure.
"Oh I don't know. He's been acting really weird today. He told me that you were no good for me, or something. Don't worry," she says looking at the suddenly distorted look on my face. She kisses my cheek. "I've never agreed with my gay brother's taste in men."
"I told you he was still mad about that Jay thing."
"He's not still mad about that Jay thing. He's just psychotic."
I roll my eyes. "Like that's much better?"
She playfully hits me. "All Michalchuks are psychotic."
"Well that's good. I think they say the same about my family."
We near the back of her house. "Ah shit," she says digging through her purse.
"What's wrong?"
"I forgot the key to the front door, and the gate to get in the back is locked."
"We could go to my house," I offer.
She shivers. "It's so cold. I just want to go in!"
We come upon the gate in question. "Can't you open it from the inside?"
"Yea," she answers. She points to where her dress falls. "But I'm not climbing that in this skirt."
"Hope Dylan won't hate me more for ruining his pants," I say. I take off my jacket and hand it to her before climbing the fence quickly and easily. I drop to the bottom and open the gate for her. Her smile is huge as she wraps her arms around me.
She holds me out at arm's length. "Not too much damage to the pants." We both laugh a little. Her lips brush against mine in a soft, delicate, feminine kiss. Internally, I'm screaming. I want this kiss. I need it. I want Paige so bad. At the same time, I'm left longing for something more... masculine. Something more like Dylan. Although I'm pissed like hell at him right now.
"The streets were wet and the gate was locked,
So I jumped it, and let you in."
"We better get going," she says resting her hand on my arm. I look up from the floor and catch her eye. I smile.
"Okay," I answer. So whipped, J.T., so whipped. I walk with her to the car and open the driver's door for her. "Doesn't have the same affect, does it?" I ask once I slide into the passenger's seat.
"Nope. But it's still sweet." She leans over and kisses me. "I've missed that."
I smile and traces of pink bleed through my cheeks. "Not as much as I did."
"Spend the night," she says grabbing my hand. "I'm staying at Kate and Jeff's. I told them I would. Sleep in Toby's room. They won't care."
I think about it for a second. But what is there to think about really? "Yes."
"Well good," she says pulling onto her street. "Because I wasn't about to take you home."
She parks in front of her house, and we get out. Before we go in, she grabs me in a deep, passionate kiss. One we haven't had in awhile. I place my hands under her shirt and rub the small of her back for a few moments. The night air surrounds us in a bit of a chill as I dare to inch my hands closer to her bra.
She breaks the kiss slowly. "Inside," she says before leading me in. I love this girl.
"And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist,
And you kissed me like you meant it."
Goddamnit Toby, you are a moron. Why couldn't you just let things be? You had an irrational crush on your fucking step-sister. So? I guess those kinds of feelings are normal, or semi-normal, or they can maybe be expected. But acting on them? Ruining that relationship? Nothing excuses that.
I leave the party and start walking back home. If Ashley isn't even here, it's not practical to expect me to stay here. The cold air rips through me, and I tighten my jacket against my skin as if that will change anything. Of course it doesn't, and I quicken my pace. It is so damn cold for a May night. I hate Canada.
I'm going to take Liberty and run away with her. She's all I have left. I'm going to take her somewhere warm where people won't judge us for who we're friends with and no one will know that I once loved my step-sister. I'll never see her again if I don't want to. I won't be reminded constantly that with the best night of my life, there comes consequences that will always haunt me.
Once I turn the corner to my road, I'm so relieved. I'm still pissed that Kate and Jeff didn't let me drive. Assholes. I could've saved myself a lot of cold heartache. Although, knowing me, I would've thought of her either way, but at least in my car, I'd be warm.
I rush down the sidewalk. I look up my sidewalk before turning, and the sight makes me immediatly turn back around. She's here! With him. The anger pumps through my veins. Why does she do this to me? Doesn't she know I love her?
I peek around the corner, making sure I'm not easily seen. Her hands are on his waist, and his are under her shirt. Goddamnit, stop them Toby! They're engaged in the longest kiss known to mankind.
I'm about to run up to them and break them up, but something stops me. I look at her. She means it this time. I put myself in J.T.'s position, and shivers run down my spine. She has never kissed me or anyone like that. She loves him. And as much as I'm pissed right now, I have to let them be. Maybe, someday, I'll find love like that. Until then, I'm not going to go around fucking up love that other people have found. That's just not nice.
"And I knew that you meant it,
That you meant it, that you meant it."
A/N: Have I told you lately that I love Jamie? I really do. She's the ying to my yang. Anyways, she's my total and utter inspiration. Without her, I'd be staring at a blank chapter 3 wondering "where do I go from here?" and wondering if anyone, other than myself, cares at all. Yes, that means you need to review so Katy feels loved. And love Jamie. Cause I sure do.
Disclaim Bee: "Hands Down" belongs to, guess who, Dashboard Confessional. God, I'm obsessed. Degrassi belongs to CTV.
Chapter 6: Hands Down
I cross my legs on the chair awkwardly. I stare at the blank pieces of paper I laid out on my make-up table and shift uncomfortably. I shouldn't even be allowed to call this wretched stool a chair. I fall off of the chair and land haphazardly on my bed, taking a few of the blank papers with me.
Why did I have to be valedictorian? Honestly, what am I supposed to say to my class? What words of advice do I have to give? I haven't even had a real relationship with any member of the graduating class, save Craig, since Ellie died. Am I supposed to talk about that? I can't.
And I can't even think. Tomorrow's my graduation. Tomorrow, I commence my real life. Everything to this point has been something that is meant to be buried. I'm supposed to be nostalgic right now, to have a good cry and a few good laughs with people that I've shared my life with. But I can't. Because every person that I've shared my life with hates me. My past is like a bad party or a long class that you watch the clock until you can leave. Tomorrow's the bell.
But I'm Ashley Kerwin the screw-up. I've done some pretty stupid shit in my life. I didn't want to be boring, so I took E. I didn't want to move on from Craig, so I moped. I didn't want to admit that I had felt true love, so I cheated on J.T. Sean was the only thing that I can't attribute to being my mistake. That was all him. Ellie's dead, and I couldn't stop her. And now, I've crossed so many lines. With my god damned step-brother. How could I? How could he? Were we that plastered?
My phone rings again, and I stare as his name pops up on the cell screen. I start to sob violently, but there's no tears left. I simply shake and heave on my bed, trying to remember how exactly tomorrow will be the best day of my life. I guess it won't be, not unless I fix this brilliant mess that I've created, very much single-handedly.
He calls back, again and again, and the vibrations of my phone are incorporated into my body. Finally, I stop convulsing long enough to answer. "I'll be there in a half hour," I say before hanging up. I can't hear his voice. It would, at this point, drive me over the edge.
I pull onto my old street and wait at the corner. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2... He runs out just on time. He stops before my car and stares at me like a deer caught in the headlights. Without thinking, I honk my horn. I don't know why I'm so impatient, but I am. "Sorry," he mumbles weakly sliding into the seat next to mine.
He closes the door, and we drive in silence. I stare out the window longingly, but I can still feel him occupying the car. He's still here. Why? Please, leave. Why did I do this to myself? How could I do it to him?
I take a deep breath before stopping at some long abandoned park. The swingsets are rusted, that is considering that there's only one or two swings still left on them, and even the grass had some weird, brownish tint. Like it's lifelessness radiates, still radiates, ready and willing to infect anyone who dares contact it. And I dare.
I grab my bag and head quickly to the first swingset. He follows, but quieter and slower, but I don't dare turn around and acknowledge him. Not yet. I search through my bag until my fingers hit a very familair, very comfortable object. My shaking fingers pull out a pack of cigarettes, and somehow, I manage to light one and set it against my lips. Inhaling deeply, I look up, finally, and decide to face my actions.
"I thought you were trying to quit," he says, looming over me like some shadowy ghost.
"Things change. Toby, I'm so sorry," I say, my eyes quickly darting anywhere but his face.
"For what?" he asks.
"God. Please don't pretend, don't make this harder than it has to be. I made a mistake, Toby. I had a fight with J.T., and you were there, and you've always been the only guy I've ever loved. I think, I mean, I might love J.T. But I love you so much more. And then look what I did! You're never going to forgive me. Toby, Jesus, if you knew how sorry I was..." The tears that I didn't think were there pour out at this fresh unbandaged wound.
"No, you shouldn't be sorry. You can't be. Things happened, but Ash, they're in the past. We can forget it, okay?"
I look at him, only sniffling now, the tears burrowing back into their ducts. "You hate me."
He grabs me by the shoulders(I'm sure he's looking out to make sure this is platonic enough) and lifts me off the swing. He puts his arm around my shoulders(again, platonic) and leads me back towards the car. "Ash, you're my sister. You're like, amazingly important to me. I could never hate you. More than that, I'd rather hate myself. I don't think life would be any fun without you."
I laugh one of those awkward, 'I-just-got-done-crying' laughs and put my cigarette out with my shoe. I'm going to quit, for good this time. Just as long as things with J.T. go as well as this.
"Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep.
This air is blessed, you share with me."
"Spinner," she whispers in my ear. A chill goes down my spine, and I turn towards her. Shivers. She still gives me shivers.
"Babe," I answer with a peck on her lips. She then forms them into a smile against my cheek.
"I love you, Spinner Mason. I can't believe you're graduating tomorrow. Wow, I love you."
I gather her in my arms, pressing her body as close against mine as I can. "I love you, too."
"What do you think is going to happen from here?" she asks, her fingers tracing over my stomach and her head resting on my shoulder.
"Well, you're going to watch me graduate, and then we're going to have the most amazing summer of our lives."
"Yes...?" she says. "Go on."
"And then, we'll see."
"Spin, you're going to university. I love you, Spin. But you're not going to want to be with a high school chick when you have all these other, more experienced, university, well, you know, women." The way she said women was so cute, I have to kiss her. She slaps me playfully. "Well, Spinner, what's it going to be?"
"You, Manny," I say burrowing into her neck. "It's always going to be you. Don't even have to ask."
This seems to satisfy her enough to let me slip the condom on.
"This night is wild, so calm and dull.
These hearts they race from self-control.
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine.
We're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all."
He sits on the edge of his bed as I go through all his clothes. There is absolutely nothing here worthy, but I grin and he has no idea what I'm thinking. "Dylan's home, I'm sure he'll let you borrow something, if you want."
"So the blue jacket is a no go?"
I bite my bottom lip and shake my head. "Not with black pants, sweetie. But we're going over for dinner anyway. Why don't you wear the blue jacket tonight? With these pants?" I say holding up a pair of khackis.
"I didn't even know I still had those. Babe, I haven't worn those since grade 7. The first time."
"Will you wear them with jeans?" I say, batting my eyelashes.
He raises his eyebrow. "Jeans and a polo, and that's my final offer."
I break into a huge grin. "Thanks. Tonight's going to be so much fun."
He gives me a look. "Fun, right. Dinner with the perfect Michalchuk family. Paige, your family is going to hate me."
I roll my eyes. "They're not going to hate you! My mom is so excited, and well, my dad's weird. He'll like you a lot more than you think. And Dylan has already met you, and he doesn't have a problem."
"Except that Jay used to call him Homochuk."
"Hey, Sean, hey," I say snapping my fingers in front of his face. "Are you Jay?" No response. "Are you Jay?" I say with a twang of sarcasm.
"No," he finally answers.
"Is my brother blind?"
"No."
"Well, then, we have no problem."
"Paige, it's not that simple. There's still a problem."
"And what would the problem be?" I hold up the only two wearable polo shirts in his closet against my chest. "Do you like the green better?"
"I liked the white, but whatever you want is fine." I stare at them contemplatively for a few more seconds, but this is just for show. Of course the green is better. There's no competition.
I go to toss the white one back in the closet when Sean stands up hurriedly and grabs my hand. "No, it's not fine, never mind I said that. I am Sean Cameron, and sometimes, it seems like you've fucking forgot that. I need to be who I was before Paige 'the fucking fairy princess' Michalchuk, and Ash, and goddamnit all of them."
I throw both the shirts in the closet, and turn on my heel and walk out of the room. "Wear whatever the hell you have on now."
I stand in the hall with my arms crossed for a few seconds before I hear sobbing. I turn around, and I'm confronted by the last sight I've ever expected to find. "Sean," I say hurrying to him and wrapping an arm around him. "Sean, please tell me what's wrong."
He scoffs and turns his head away. "You don't want to know. Trust me."
"I'm Paige Michalchuk," I say with my silly little 'Miss Right' attitude as my mom calls it, "the Gossip Queen of Degrassi. Of course I want to know!"
He manages a sharp laugh. "I guess, considering you," he turns and faces me, "I've had four girlfriends, right?"
I do a little light addition. "Yea, that seems about right."
"But that's not the end of my, erm, romantic past."
I raise my eyebrows. "A hooker? Some crazy thirty year old mother of three? Oh, now it's getting good." I rub my hands together in anticipation.
"No, our grade. You know, um, this person very well."
"Hazel? Manny? Oh, it's Manny, isn't it? How juicy!"
"It's Marco," he says cutting me off.
I stare at him blankly. "Del Rossi?"
"Yea, that's him."
"Sean, you're not..."
"I'm bi. Or I was bi. Or something. It was a really weird time."
"Apparently," I scoff.
"Paige, please. Do you know how hard this was to tell you?"
I look at him and manage a half-smile. "I'm sorry. I really do admire you, and everything. I'm going to be accepting, I promise."
"Thanks. Anyways, it was only once, or I mean, not once, but not a lot. It's been over for awhile, a long while, since Ash and I got serious. But, I just thought you should know."
He's so lucky he's so hot. I just want to rip that shirt off of him, and bite his.... okay, Paige, stop. Get back on track here. "I'm totally cool with it. A past is in the past for a reason. Let's go, um, to my house, now." I stumble over the last few words, and he realizes this and laughs.
"Green, you did say," he says rummaging through his closet. I smile brightly. Tonight's not going to be so horrible after all.
"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,
So won't you kill me, so I die happy?"
I run down the steps of her basement as fast as my legs can carry me. "Craig?" she asks. She's laying on her bed, a book tossed onto her night table without a second glance, and the television on some Lifetime movie or something.
"I know you said you weren't feeling well, but Em, I'm graduating tomorrow. I couldn't not see you. I mean, I tried, but it sucked. I wanted to be here, with you."
She laughs. "I look like shit, but I guess it's okay. Here," she pats an empty space next to her, "we can pig out on this monstrous bucket of ice cream together."
I laugh and slide down next to her. "Sounds like a plan," I say grabbing the spoon out of her hand right as she's about to shovel some into her mouth. I eat it before she can grab it back.
"Didn't anybody ever tell you about rule numero uno?"
"And what's that?" I say wiping some excess 'cream off the corners of my mouth.
"You never," she gets closer, "never," grabs my hand but doesn't attempt to take the spoon back, "ever take food from a pregnant woman!" She then yanks the spoon so hard and fast out of my hand, I instantly start rubbing my hand instead of trying to get the spoon back.
After erupting in a fit of giggles(yes, both of us), I decide it's time. I mean, it's way late, but better late than never, right?
I pat my pocket to make sure it still is(it is) then I roll her onto her stomach facing me. "Em," I say cupping her face, "God, you're so beautiful."
She smiles and tries to turn away, but I don't let her. "Sorry, I'm not done. No, I mean, wow. This is really hard. Words are really, really hard."
"What is it?" she asks, looking a little suspicious.
"I really wanted to ask you that night we had dinner with Sean and Ash. God, you looked so beautiful that night. So amazing," I feel her tense up against my fingers, but she soon relaxes and smiles at me encouragingly. I brush some hair away from her eyes and continue. "I think you look even more amazing tonight, like this. Emma Nelson, I know that we've set a date and this may seem odd to you, but," I pull the ringbox out of my pocket, "I thought you should have this. I looked for one as beautiful as you, and this was the best I could do."
She takes the ring box shakily, and opens it slowly. She immediatly raises one hand to cover her gaping mouth as tears stream down her face. I feel so great, like such a man, responsible for her happiness. I want to keep her this happy forever. "Craig," she wraps her arms around my neck and forces her lips against mine forcefully, "this is gorgeous. How did you ever afford it?"
I smile at her and kiss her again, lightly. "I'm going to take care of you, Emma. Okay?" She nods. I kiss her again, but harder. I love her.
"My heart is yours, to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry,
Whichever you prefer."
I follow Paige into Dylan's room. She immediatly goes through the closet and throws a white jacket on the bed. "No way," I say quickly. "That's too gay."
"Calm down, straight eye," she says. "That is what Dylan's wearing tomorrow. I have to set it aside or I might forget."
I raise my eyebrows. Okay? She grabs three more and presses these against her chest as well. "What I wouldn't give to be a jacket," I joke.
She raises her eyebrows. "You'll have your chance." She tosses a lighter blue on the bed next to the white one. "Should we go, super formal, black tie only?" she asks holding up the black jacket. "Or the, I don't really care that much, but my girlfriend asked me nicely to wear a jacket, and I love her enough to do so?" she says holding up another blue jacket.
I grab the black one out of her hand. "Black. It's kind of my trademark color."
She laughs at me. "Here let me help you put it on," she says adjusting my sleeves. She rolls it up a little. "I think Mom can't get this done tonight. Alright, shirts."
She opens a drawer full, yes full, with nothing but dress shirts. I sigh and sit on the end of the bed. She pulls them all out and heaves them onto the bed. "I want to wear a white shirt."
She gives me a look. "You're not going to a funeral." As soon as she says it, a look comes over her face and she covers her mouth with her hand daintily. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
"Don't worry about it," I say patting her arm. "I know what you mean. What do you think?"
"Personally, I like the lime green," she says holding it up. I give her a look of disgust. "Kidding, honest. I was really thinking more light blue." She holds it next to my jacket.
"That looks fine," I answer.
"Alright," she says, very pleased with herself. "Well, here are a few different sizes of dress pants. You try those on, and I'm going to go help my mom with dinner. Come down when you're done, and put the clothes you're going to wear tomorrow in a separate pile so I know which you chose. Okay?"
"Yes, Princess. I think I can handle it."
"Good," she says. She kisses me on the cheek and skips out of the room. I shake my head at her while I close the door. I turn around and take in Dylan's room. The way everything is in order, so clean and proper, it makes me sick. It makes me want this. I want to be clean and neat, but I can't. I'm not gay.
I pick up a few of Dylan's pictures that are laid out on top of his dresser. I thumb through them, not noticing them completely, but there's a look on Dylan's face that makes me keep looking. "Good pictures, huh?" I hear. I drop the pictures back on to the dresser and spin towards the voice.
"Dylan, I'm sorry, I was just..."
"Bored of my sister?" he finishes. "I understand. Really, I do, don't worry about it."
I nod. "Bored of Paige?" I joke. "Never."
He catches my eye and smiles at me. I turn away slowly, but I smile back, except my smile's kind of aimed towards his carpet. "Do you want me to go or something? Were you changing?" He motions towards the huge mound of clothes on his bed.
I roll my eyes. "Well, something like that. But, don't worry about it. You can stay."
"You still gonna change?" he jokes. His hair, God, his hair. Yes, I want you to stay so I can change. I don't want to get redressed. God. Stop the thoughts. This is Dylan. Paige's brother. The ultimate in bad judgement, Cameron. "God, lighten up. It was a joke."
"I know, I know," I answer quickly. "I was just thinking, about it, I mean, not that I would, but I had to think, no I mean, I knew I wouldn't, but..."
"Sean, I like you, you're a good kid, but sometimes you just gotta shut up."
"Right," I answer with a nod. "Shut up."
He looks at me strangely. They really, really need to make a dumbass of the year award. For me. "I'm just gonna," he says and points to the door. "I'll see you at dinner."
"Yea, I'll be down in a few," I say. We stand awkwardly before he laughs and walks out. I finally let out the air I didn't know I had in my lungs. Well, that was awkward.
"The words are hushed, let's not get busted,
Just lay entwined here undiscovered."
I watch him walk down my front walk and get in the new car his parents just bought him for his 17th birthday. His taste lingers upon my lips, and I'm afraid to turn around and go back inside for fear that this fantasy might be ripped from my fingertips. Finally, after he's rounded the corner at the end of my street, I decide to go back in.
I go into my room and pick up the phone. I quickly dial Kendra's number and wait for someone to pick up. "Hello?" she asks.
"Ken!" I scream. I didn't even realize I was this excited.
"Hey Libby, what's up?"
"Guess who was just here!"
"Um, Chad Michael Murray?"
"Oh my God, I would so die. But, no, okay, Toby. How weird, yet so so great is that?" I smile so wide that my ears hurt.
"Oh," the tone of her voice decreases significantly. "That's great. So you two are a couple now? Wow. How awesome for you." She doesn't sound the least bit happy. Jealous bitch.
"I guess we are," I answer with a sarcastic tone. She's my friend. She should be happy for me. And, quite honestly, I'm quite peeved that she isn't happy for me. Toby and she were like two years ago. It's Toby and me now. We're the new Paige and Spinner.
"Well, did you get some?"
"Kenny!" I answer indignantly, forgetting for a second what a jealous bitch she is.
"Well, there's gotta be a reason you're so giddy. I bet you did. Toby and I only kissed the whole two years we went out..." And here comes the jealousy.
"Kendra, I'm happy because the love of my life realized what a fool he had been. I'm not happy because I got some weird Kama Sutra-induced orgasm."
"Oh Libby, I always knew you were an S&M kind of girl."
"Well, I just called you to tell you the good news. But, I'm not really in the mood for your suggestive language and such. I guess I'll just see you at graduation."
She laughs. Stupid bitch. "Yea, I'll see you there." Click.
"Safe in here from all the stupid questions,
'Hey did you get some'
Man, that is so dumb."
I shovel some more potatoes into my mouth as Paige rambles on about what the rest of the Spirit Squad got her for graduation, which includes a lot of jewelry and a lot of pictures, neither of which I'm overly interested in. I stare at Dylan's jaw as he chews a bite of chicken and then swallows it. He goes to cut off another piece, but he catches my eye first. I look away, back at Paige, suddenly, but he knows how obvious that is.
So, I decide to go for it. I mean, at this point, I've got nothing to lose. He's caught me staring. I lift up my leg, and it hovers gently in the air between us for a few seconds. Then, I have a sudden stroke of confidence, and I get my leg to gently tap his on his calf. He looks up at me with a confused expression, but I just hold his stare. He quickly averts his gaze and attention back to Paige. In embarassment, I do too.
"I'm just a little mad that Manny got captain. I mean, I guess she has been the grade 11 with the Squad for the longest, but she's done some reproachable things in her past. I hope she doesn't give the Squad a bad name." Paige is obsessed with the Spirit Squad and Manny, because of that whole Spinner going after her for her sex.
It starts slowly, innocently. He's taken off his shoes, or he wasn't wearing them to begin with, I forget. He brushes my ankles on the outside of my pants. I look up at him and smile a knowing smile, somehow hoping that will urge him to continue. He does, his foot creeping up until it reaches where it seems his foot was destined to reach.
I clank my fork loudly against my plate. Paige turns and stares at me. Mrs. Michalchuk looks over. "Did you want some more, Sean?"
"No thank you, Mrs. Michalchuk."
Paige turns away from me and glances at her watch. "It's getting late. The other girls are probably already at Ashley's. Do you want me to drop you off?" she asks me.
"I can drop him off," Dylan says quickly. "He wasn't done trying to find pants earlier. We both decided to give up and eat and start again after. So, we'll do that and then I'll take him home."
A disbelieving look flashes across Paige's face before she shakes her head to get rid of it. "Just leave what you need to have mended out on Dylan's bed," she says. She kisses me on the cheek and gets up. "I'll be back early tomorrow, okay mom?"
"That's fine sweetie."
She walks into the other room. I hear keys dangling and then the door opens and closes. "We better get started," Dylan says as he swallows his last piece of chicken. "Thanks for dinner, Ma."
"Yes, thank you Mrs. Michalchuk. It was delicious." I give her a half smile before following Dylan to his room.
He clears his bed of all his clothes as I shut and lock the door. He turns towards me and pushes his lips onto mine so hard, that I fall back, the door catching and stopping me. This doesn't bother him; he slips his tongue into my mouth and grabs me, holding me against him. "You're so rough," I comment as he leads me to the bed. "Is this what Marco meant when he said you were rough?"
Dylan laughs. "Marco was a good kid, but not as strong as we are. He couldn't handle it." I nod; I know this very well.
"I'm sorry about the whole, me and Marco thing."
He laughs. "Don't be sorry about it."
I push him onto the bed and crawl on top of him. "Well, I'm not a cheater. I haven't cheated on Paige. Until now."
I start to bite and suck on his neck, creating what I'm sure would be an interesting little something to explain in the morning. "Good. You shouldn't cheat on my sister." He lets out a soft moan as I hit what I assume to be one of his pleasure spots. "Except with me."
"Stay quiet, stay near, stay close,
they can't hear, so we can get some."
I smile and jump up as I see Paige cross the threshold into Ashley's house. I grab her in a hug after she drops her overnight bag. "It has been so dead without you," I say so none of the other guests can hear. Musn't be rude, Hazel.
"I hear this party needs a little dose of Paige," she says sauntering into the living room. I chuckle lightly at her; Paige is so crazy sometimes. Even after all she's been through, she's still the funniest and most outgoing person I know. I respect her so much for that.
We sit around, watching our favorite movies, even a few home movies from Paige and Ash's pre-school days, and playing truth or dare. Heather Sinclair came clean about all the guys she's gone down on, including Spinner which freaked Paige out until she realized it was a joke. I mean, Heather and Spinner. Yea, right.
My phone starts to vibrate wildly in my pocket just as I'm supposed to tell them all the secret reason I got detention back in grade 10. Oh, if they only knew. "Jimmy!" I say happily, saved by the boyfriend.
"Hey babe," he answers. "Having fun?"
Paige gives me a nudge so I look up. She points to Ash who mouths the words "invite him." "I'd be having more fun if you were here," I finally answer.
"Is that an invite?" he asks.
"Yup."
"Well, I'll bring a few of the guys then. It'll be a real party."
"Can't wait," I say and snap my phone closed. "He's coming," I say to the anxious girls. "And bringing some of the guys."
They all look happy for a second. "Well," Paige says. "Turn off those home movies!"
Jimmy comes about a half hour later with Spinner and Craig. "Hey baby," Jim says as he wraps me in his arms and kisses me sweetly. All the other girls "oooh" from the living room, but I just blush and brush them off.
Spinner and Craig go over to talk to Ashley, and other than noticing that Paige seemed very bored and agitated at the whole ordeal, I didn't really notice anything the rest of the night. Just Jimmy and I. I'm so lucky that we're going to be together forever. I wouldn't have it any other way.
"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,
So won't you kill me, so I die happy?"
I sit at my computer, bored out of my mind. I can't believe Spin would go and hang out at a grade 12 party, one in which Paige is no less, without me. And I can't believe that I rely solely on him to do anything. It's so sad. I wish I had other friends.
The thought of calling Emma passes briefly through my head, but I veto that one. Emma's changed since her pregnancy. Ashley and her are as close as ever. In fact, I'm sure Em is the only grade 11 at that party tonight. Yea, I bet.
That leaves a few grade 10's on the Spirit Squad and the feeble amount of grade 11's that still talk to me. The Squad girls are probably just going to go get drunk and get with random guys, so that's not a go. I finally just pick up the phone and dial the number of the one person who I've been avoiding so well for so long.
"Yello," he answers after the second ring.
"Hey....it's Manny," I say.
"Wow, Manny. Hey, Manny. Yea, definitly not expecting this, sorry. What's going on?"
"Ha. Well, nothing. But you know that's not true. But the truth takes too long to explain. So, we'll just say nothing. How about you?"
"Nothing. But mine is the truth. But, I'm not the kind of guy who asks just to make small talk. I really want to know."
"Well then, I'll be over in twenty," I say. I expect refusal, or at least hesitation, but I'm shocked.
"Alright, maybe you'll be able to cure my boredom."
He opens the door a half hour later in sweat pants and a torn up t-shirt. It's not what I was expecting, but I can't say I'm surprised. "Come on in," he says with a smile.
I enter the Yorke residence, and a feeling comes over me. Something strange, yet not totally foreign. I feel, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm home. "I was just watching Lord of the Rings, for like the seventy-third time. My obsession has hit a new peak."
I laugh at him. So cute, so funny, and I wonder how in the world Ashley hurts him like she does. I join him on the couch. I've never given the movies a chance, for good reason I soon realize because I have no idea what's going on. But we don't really watch it anyways. We attempt to throw popcorn into each other's mouths, and I watch as he tries to balance a spoon on his nose. Not good.
"J.T., you're such a dork," I say grabbing the falling spoon before it hits the ground.
"But that's why you love me, oh-so-much."
"And who says I love you?" I say with a newly cocky attitude.
"Oh, a little birdie told me. You aren't trying to say that the little birdie lied, are you?"
I feign shock. "Oh no! Little birdies can't lie! They just can't. It's like, anatomically impossible."
"I'm so proud. My little Manny's getting all grown up, using a-dult words."
"Shut up J.T.," I say punching him lightly in the shoulder. He grabs my hand for retaliation and I draw back in anticipation. Somehow, this leads to him falling on top of me on the couch. We're still laughing, but it slowly dies down. We're both obviously aware of each other's close proximity, but it doesn't seem weird. No, it doesn't seem weird at all.
He leans in and brushes his lips against my forehead. He's so sweet; I'm so tantalized. "Manny, we can't do this. You have a boyfriend."
No! Boyfriends don't matter. Oh God, yes they do. Ah, look at J.T.'s lips. His mouth, turned upright in a smile for you. His eyes, glistening, hoping for some sign of permission. You have to do this. This is what you do, Manny.
I owe J.T. He wasn't my first love, but he should've been. He's always been there for me, much more than any boyfriend of mine, other than the current one. I love him. But I owe J.T. In that, there's something much, much bigger.
So I kiss him.
"My heart is yours, to fill or burst,
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry,
Whichever you prefer."
Mr. Radditch looks down on me, beeming something fierce, as he announces me as the Valedictorian of the class of 2006. I smile broadly as I walk to the podium. He shakes my hand, and I keep from shaking. I'm about to put on the biggest show of my life, and the only problem lies in whether the people who supposedly know me the best will buy it. "Ashley Kerwin," he says still shaking my hand again. "Somehow, I never doubted it would be you up here giving this speech. Everyone knows you certainly deserve it."
A person's words in this situation are supposed to encourage you, am I right? So, why do his words only dishearten me to the point of hopelessness? I can never deliver a speech in front of these people. What am I doing?
But I take the mic, and it's my time to shine. Suddenly, the power of so many eyes and ears on me is empowering. So daunting, yet so exhilerating. I could bask in this feeling for the rest of my life. Now I know what it means to make your graduation speech.
"Today, I am honored by the chance to speak to you, my classmates, friends, mentors, and family. Looking back over my high school years, I am reminded of a famous line from the 1970 movie 'Love Story.' The quote is: 'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' If this statement is held true, then I must admit to everyone here that I have not loved anyone.
"So, I am finally ready to apologize for this. I have made entirely too big of a deal out of the little things. Coming on to my commencement into, what most call, the real world, I have come to realize that I am tired of creating bad memories for myself.
"As your valedictorian, I am thought of as a leader and therefore able to give advice to you. Although I'm sure most of you will look at me as an pompous ego-maniac, I'm going to do just that. My advice to you, class of 2006, is to please, please do not make the same mistakes I have. Please accept apologies the first time as sincere as you know they are. If not, you might not know the wonderful friends and even better memories you'll be missing out on.
"The high school years here weren't the best for any of us. The tragic and premature loss of Ellie Nash is something that none of us expected nor were prepared for in the least. It was a blow to the entire Degrassi community, but it hit a few of us the hardest. Ellie was an amazing human being, and I'm sure she would like nothing more than for all of us to be able to live in the moment.
"She has grounded me so much, even in death, especially in death. I know now how my actions affect everyone I contact. I have so much to do, and in the end, so little time. In the words of modern-day poets Switchfoot: 'Life is a day that doesn't last for long.' So, now is the time to do what we've always wanted. We may not have the world at our fingertips, but we're close, aren't we?
"I have only one more thing to ask of you. I want each of you to do something you've always wanted to do, and it's now possible. I want you to do it tomorrow. We're not in high school anymore, so I can't technically call it homework. But, just think about the fact that I may check up on each of you.
"So, congratulations and good luck. And to each of you, you'll always have a friend at Degrassi. Peace."
"Hands down, this is the best day,
I can ever remember."
"Toby," I say grabbing my best friend, or old best friend, or whatever he is, and pulling him out of the shelter. "Is she here?"
"Come to the Kerwin graduation party, we have the one and only valedictorian of Degrassi's class of 2006." He deepens his voice dramatically for effect.
"Oh," I peer in. Sure enough, I see her shaking hands with a couple of anonymous elderly people. Maybe great aunt and uncle? Who knows. Who cares. "I can't believe Kate and Jeff helped Albert and Christopher with this whole thing. It doesn't seem like something they'd want to be involved in."
"Yea," Toby agrees leaning against the wall. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "It's been awkward."
"Since when do you smoke?" I shoot at him without thinking.
"I don't know, but it's sure a hard habit to break." Whatever.
"Do you think the speech was about me? The making mistakes part?"
Toby shrugs and takes a puff. "How the hell should I know? Ashley never understands what she's writing about, and you shouldn't try to figure it out."
"Well, I am going to find out." I turn away from him and hurry into the shelter. She's alone now, smiling at everyone from her spot next to the food table. I take a deep breath, determined to start talking before she even sees me. Her jaw drops as she gazes upon me, and I slow my pace down to a slow walk. She suddenly smiles, and envelopes me in a hug as I come closer.
"How did you know?" she asks taking my hand.
"Know what?"
"How did you know that all I've been doing is thinking about you. How did you know that you're the only person I wanted to be here. How did you know how sorry I was?"
I shrug, my fingers intertwining her's. "I guess I'm just genius like that."
In love? Maybe. Okay, definitly. This girl has got me head over heels, and she knows it. She pulls me out onto the makeshift dance floor. I feel her body pressed against mine, and I'm home. I'm in love. But, will I let her walk all over me anymore? I'm older, and she's reformed. Or at least she's attempted to reform. Either way, we're going to be equals from this point on. I need her, but she needs me, too. She knows this. Our palms pressed together for dear life tell me this. I deserve respect. And this time around, I'm going to get it. I'm J.T. Yorke. Don't no one mess with this shit.
"I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, The dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair,
That you twirled in your fingers."
"Ow," I say gripping his hand tighter. I look up with sympathetic eyes. "I don't know where all these pains are coming from. Maybe I should go home and ask my mom for some pills or something."
"Emma," he says concernedly, "maybe you should get to the hospital. What if it's serious?"
"No Craig. I'm fine. I wouldn't want to ruin tonight for you. It's your graduation night, and these pains are nothing. I mean, they hurt, but they're not serious. I can tell. Don't worry about it. Pregnancy isn't a walk in the park."
He kisses my temple. "I love you, Emma Nelson."
"I love you, too. So, we're going to Spinner's for a bit and then Ash's?"
"Yea," he answers.
"And your's is tomorrow?"
"Yup. Graduation parties are confusing shit."
"You can say that again." He holds the door to the run down club where Spinner's party is. My eyes dart around the room nervously; I am not friends with anyone here. "I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm not sure what help that will do, but I'll be back in a few minutes. K?"
"Sure. Hope you feel better soon," he kisses me again before I head towards the bathroom. I walk into it and initially gag from the smell. After a second, I force my nostrils to get used to it, and I bear the smell.
"Are you alright?" I whip my head around at another voice in the supposedly abandoned bathroom.
"Manny," I say cautiously. "I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine," she says turning on the faucet. "Come on, Em, you act like I haven't been through this already."
"With the same guy. Manny, I am quite aware."
"So talk to me, Em," she says as she wipes her hands off on the back of her jeans. I stare at her unhygenic ways, my OCD showing through a little. "Even if we're not the best friends we were in grade 7, I really do care about you."
"That's very noble of you, Manny, but I'm fine. I've just been having some pains while we walked over here, and I thought the bathroom would be a safe hideout. I was a bit wrong, as you can tell."
"What kind of pains," she asks.
"I don't know. Sharp. Inconsistent. Painful."
"Em, go check your underwear."
"What?" I say stepping back from her.
She pushes me into the stall. "See if you're bleeding! Now!"
Something about her tone of voice makes me nervous, and I follow her directions impeccably. I push open the door a few seconds later. "Manny," I say looking up at her with tears stinging my eyes. "There's blood. There's a lot of blood."
"And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late,
And this walk that we shared together."
"Paige," I sigh wrapping my arm around her waist. "It's late. Can we get going soon?" The truth? Dylan keeps looking at me, and which each passing glance, I grow more attracted to him and more ashamed of myself. I just need out.
"Sean, it's my graduation party."
"I know. But what's better, sitting here in this stuffy shelter, making awkward small talk with members of your family whom you thought dead, or going home to an empty house, and letting me give you the best damn graduation gift ever?" I kiss her neck in a way that no one can see.
"Okay hun, you just answered your own question." She grabs my hand, and with a quick wave to her parents and Dylan, we're suddenly walking outside. The air smells sweet, something that occurs rarely after a light rain. I squeeze her hand.
"Cold?" I ask. The air smells sweet and that's good, but the earlier rain also causes the cold to stick to your skin as you walk.
"A little," she answers. I drop her hand and wrap my arm around her, pulling her closer. "I'm surprised Dylan didn't try to stop us," she says snuggling against me.
"Why would he?" I answer. My mouth goes immediatly dry at the mention of his name, and I cough to alleviate the pressure.
"Oh I don't know. He's been acting really weird today. He told me that you were no good for me, or something. Don't worry," she says looking at the suddenly distorted look on my face. She kisses my cheek. "I've never agreed with my gay brother's taste in men."
"I told you he was still mad about that Jay thing."
"He's not still mad about that Jay thing. He's just psychotic."
I roll my eyes. "Like that's much better?"
She playfully hits me. "All Michalchuks are psychotic."
"Well that's good. I think they say the same about my family."
We near the back of her house. "Ah shit," she says digging through her purse.
"What's wrong?"
"I forgot the key to the front door, and the gate to get in the back is locked."
"We could go to my house," I offer.
She shivers. "It's so cold. I just want to go in!"
We come upon the gate in question. "Can't you open it from the inside?"
"Yea," she answers. She points to where her dress falls. "But I'm not climbing that in this skirt."
"Hope Dylan won't hate me more for ruining his pants," I say. I take off my jacket and hand it to her before climbing the fence quickly and easily. I drop to the bottom and open the gate for her. Her smile is huge as she wraps her arms around me.
She holds me out at arm's length. "Not too much damage to the pants." We both laugh a little. Her lips brush against mine in a soft, delicate, feminine kiss. Internally, I'm screaming. I want this kiss. I need it. I want Paige so bad. At the same time, I'm left longing for something more... masculine. Something more like Dylan. Although I'm pissed like hell at him right now.
"The streets were wet and the gate was locked,
So I jumped it, and let you in."
"We better get going," she says resting her hand on my arm. I look up from the floor and catch her eye. I smile.
"Okay," I answer. So whipped, J.T., so whipped. I walk with her to the car and open the driver's door for her. "Doesn't have the same affect, does it?" I ask once I slide into the passenger's seat.
"Nope. But it's still sweet." She leans over and kisses me. "I've missed that."
I smile and traces of pink bleed through my cheeks. "Not as much as I did."
"Spend the night," she says grabbing my hand. "I'm staying at Kate and Jeff's. I told them I would. Sleep in Toby's room. They won't care."
I think about it for a second. But what is there to think about really? "Yes."
"Well good," she says pulling onto her street. "Because I wasn't about to take you home."
She parks in front of her house, and we get out. Before we go in, she grabs me in a deep, passionate kiss. One we haven't had in awhile. I place my hands under her shirt and rub the small of her back for a few moments. The night air surrounds us in a bit of a chill as I dare to inch my hands closer to her bra.
She breaks the kiss slowly. "Inside," she says before leading me in. I love this girl.
"And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist,
And you kissed me like you meant it."
Goddamnit Toby, you are a moron. Why couldn't you just let things be? You had an irrational crush on your fucking step-sister. So? I guess those kinds of feelings are normal, or semi-normal, or they can maybe be expected. But acting on them? Ruining that relationship? Nothing excuses that.
I leave the party and start walking back home. If Ashley isn't even here, it's not practical to expect me to stay here. The cold air rips through me, and I tighten my jacket against my skin as if that will change anything. Of course it doesn't, and I quicken my pace. It is so damn cold for a May night. I hate Canada.
I'm going to take Liberty and run away with her. She's all I have left. I'm going to take her somewhere warm where people won't judge us for who we're friends with and no one will know that I once loved my step-sister. I'll never see her again if I don't want to. I won't be reminded constantly that with the best night of my life, there comes consequences that will always haunt me.
Once I turn the corner to my road, I'm so relieved. I'm still pissed that Kate and Jeff didn't let me drive. Assholes. I could've saved myself a lot of cold heartache. Although, knowing me, I would've thought of her either way, but at least in my car, I'd be warm.
I rush down the sidewalk. I look up my sidewalk before turning, and the sight makes me immediatly turn back around. She's here! With him. The anger pumps through my veins. Why does she do this to me? Doesn't she know I love her?
I peek around the corner, making sure I'm not easily seen. Her hands are on his waist, and his are under her shirt. Goddamnit, stop them Toby! They're engaged in the longest kiss known to mankind.
I'm about to run up to them and break them up, but something stops me. I look at her. She means it this time. I put myself in J.T.'s position, and shivers run down my spine. She has never kissed me or anyone like that. She loves him. And as much as I'm pissed right now, I have to let them be. Maybe, someday, I'll find love like that. Until then, I'm not going to go around fucking up love that other people have found. That's just not nice.
"And I knew that you meant it,
That you meant it, that you meant it."