Disclaimer: The song belongs to Something Corporate. Get ready, cause you're gonna be hearing a lot more from them soon. Degrassi-CTV and Epitome.
Chapter 7: Break Myself
Sometimes, in a lonely desparation, your heartbeat is the best thing next to a gun to evoke thoughts of suicide. Maybe I overexaggerate because I'm lonely. I've always been lonely. I've never been able to be alone.
That's really harsh on myself. I can be alone; I simply don't like it. It's not easy, it's not particularly fun, and it's not what is expected of me, Paige Michalchuk.
I press my phone to my ear and listen to the dialtone for a good minute until the operator kicks in. Damn her. I hang it up and grab my cell phone, staring at it but not moving to push any buttons. Should I do it? I sigh slightly and punch in his number. A wind blows over my bare stomach, and somewhere, I find the nerve to hit send.
He picks up after the fourth ring. "'Ello?" he asks in his best fake tired voice. Come on Sean Cameron, you can't tell me you were sleeping. You were up too, contemplating the same thoughts that plagued me.
"Sean baby, it's me," I say in my best 'temptress' voice.
"Paige? Hey."
I hear him yawn into the phone. Wow, Sean, I didn't know you were such a great actor. "Did I wake you?"
"No, it's fine." Was that a no or a yes? Oh well, doesn't matter.
"I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't think I was ready."
"It's fine, Paige. It's not like the only reason I'm dating you."
Uhh, and who said it was? "I am ready, Sean. I do want this with you. I don't know what tonight was all about. I kind of need you, Sean. Can we start tonight over?"
"Paige, I appreciate that. I really do. But, right now, I don't think you know what you're saying. I think we should take a break, so you can think about everything, and then maybe we can try this again."
Sudden much? "Sean, what are you saying? Are you breaking up with me?"
"I don't want it to be the end, Paige, but this call proves it. You keep stringing me along and screwing with myself and your emotions. I don't want to let you do this to either of us anymore. In a few weeks or months or something, we'll try this again."
"You are breaking up with me. Goddamnit. How could you do this to me, now? You know what, never mind. Goodbye. I'll talk to you when I'm sane and normal again, how's that? Fuck you, Sean Cameron. Fuck you up the ass with a chainsaw."
I slam my phone shut and throw it on the ground. No one treats me like that. Not even when I'm lonely. No one, except Spinner but he doesn't count. Screw guys, I'll be in college in a few months anyways.
"I'm on fire,
And the day is feeling hopeless.
You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless.
Soon I won't feel at all,
No."
"Hello?" I ask groggily into the phone. I shake JT's arm so I can see the time on his watch. 2:32.
"Ash, it's me." I'd know that voice anywhere. Out of a thousand screaming voices, this is the one I would recognize. The voice that sings me to sleep, and then haunts my dreams. God, this voice is now hollow and alone, pleading with me from the other end of this phone cord.
"Craig, what's wrong?" I stifle a yawn.
"Is JT there?" He doesn't seem jealous, or angry, but a different emotion that I can't put my finger on, and he seems to be stalling.
"He's asleep right next to me, hence the whispering."
"I need you with me right now. I need you both, but I need you. I don't feel like I can breathe; Ash, everything just got taken away from me."
"Craig, slow down a little. What do you mean? Just explain this to me."
JT wakes up, maybe because of the urgency in my hushed voice, maybe because of a million other reasons, but he slides his hand over me to signal his alertness. My hand resting on the bed starts to shake from my nervousness, and JT puts his over mine to try to stop it.
"It's about, God Ash, I can't even say this, it's about Cameron." I try valiantly to think of anyone we know with that name, but I come up short. "We named her this morning. Right after she died. Cameron was going to be my little girl. Cameron is my little girl. She's dead. And I don't think I know what to do."
My hand protests against JT's and shakes violently. Tears stream out of my eyes without any pause. "Where are you?" I manage to choke out.
"Don't cry. Ash, don't cry." I can tell that he's crying, and I'm making him cry. I try to stop, but I can't. His sobs get gradually higher. "I found her, passed out in Manny's arms. Manny was dragging her towards me. I'll never forget that sight. It's like everything stopped, and my heart exploded out of my chest. Everything happened so quickly, and now, now..." His voice trails off, and the only sound over the phone became our synchronized sniffling and sobbing.
"Craig," I finally manage after I calm myself down. "Where are you?"
"I'm at North York. Just come when you can, ok? Don't worry. Don't cry. I'm sorry."
"No," I say into the dialtone. "No, Craig, I'm sorry."
I turn over to JT, who's propped on his left elbow and starts brushing the tears off my face. "Emma lost the baby," I say burrowing into him. "Craig's devastated. We have to go down there."
He strokes my hair. "Poor Emma," he mumbles. "I'll go get your jacket."
"It's electric the neon heard inside your phone call.
The letter's sadness and her madness it revolves.
Bringing down the walls where you found her.
No."
"Emma," I say as her eyes blink slowly open. "Emma, can you hear me?"
"Craig," she says looking up at me with slight recognition. "Craig, I'm so sorry."
I sit next to her on the bed and wrap an arm around her. "Emma, this isn't your fault."
She reaches up and touches my cheek as her tears start to fall. "You were crying?"
"It's cold outside," I say.
"Your eyes are bloodshot."
"Maybe I've been drinking."
"Craig, it's ok. I'm so sorry I put you through this."
I move my head slightly to the side and touch her now barren stomach. "Cameron Julia Manning," I say softly. She looks up at me and fresh tears form.
"Your mom, Craig, and your dad, and now your second child to be killed. I am so sorry." She pets my hand slowly. "Craig, I have something else to tell you."
"What's that, Em?"
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I need to break up with you."
The silence over the passing moments hangs over us like a cloud of radioactive material. I stare at her fragile body lying next to me. Her slightly darkened blonde hair is sticking to the sides of her face. Her skin is transparent looking, and not even pregnancy put any weight on her frail arms. Her brown eyes have turned a shade of gray that I don't even recognize. I place my hand over hers and squeeze lightly. "No." I won't give you up, Emma. I can't.
Her tired eyes look up at me. "What? Yes, Craig, don't do this."
"Don't do what?"
"Don't make this so hard. I can't, I can't fight with you. I can't do anything. This drove us apart, and it's death won't bring us any closer."
I let go of her hand and stand up. I start to pace, but she only closes her eyes. "I want to marry you," I say weakly. Surprisingly, my conviction(or lack thereof) doesn't inspire her to jump up and take me back. She simply turns on her side, and I surrender myself to the waiting room. Again.
"Well, I'm willing to break myself.
To shake this hell from everything I touch.
I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays,
So you don't hurt so much."
"Craig," I say pushing my way past doctors and wheelchair bound patients into a small waiting room. He's sitting with a boquet of flowers on his lap, and he's talking to himself as if going over the words to say to her.
"Ash," he says smiling up at me weakly. He glances behind me. "JT." He stands up slowly, turning his head for a second to brush away his tears. "Thanks for coming."
He wraps his arms around me in a weak hug, and I squeeze him to my body. I need him to feel with me. I need him to feel anything. "Of course we'd be here," I say after we let go. He shares a handshake with JT.
"How is she?" JT asks.
He smiles sadly. "She'll be fine. I think."
JT nods sympathetically. "Have you seen her?"
"Yea, you guys can go in if you want. She's able to have visitors."
I touch his arm delicately. "Why aren't you in there?"
He shrugs and takes a seat on the couch again, next to his flowers. I give JT a look, and he nods. "I think I'm going to go in and see her then," JT says. Craig gives him a half wave, and I kiss him lightly on the lips before he leaves.
I sit down next to him and pull my knees to my chin. "What happened?"
He jerks out of his daydream and looks over at me. "Why do you think something happened?"
"Because I know you better than you know yourself. And I know that you would be in there, sleeping on the floor if you slept at all, until she herself checked out. Unless something happened."
He laughs dryly. "She broke up with me."
I slide my arm through his that is holding the flowers. "I'm sorry, Craig."
"I've lost everything, Ash. I can't stay here."
"Ok," I say nodding. "I'll go in and tell Emma that you left, if you want."
"I don't mean the hospital. I mean Toronto. I mean Canada."
I sigh a little and put my head in my right hand. "Where would you go?"
"New York. I'm no good to anyone here."
"That's not true Craig," I say as soon as the words leave his mouth. "I want you to be here, and your friends, and Emma will too as soon as she's better."
"You don't get it. She just dumped me, and she's been acting distant since forever. She doesn't want to marry me, do you know how that feels? I feel like I'm going crazy. I love her, Ash. I can't see her with anyone else, do you know what that would do to me? It's best for everyone if I just leave now."
"I wish I could help you," I whisper.
"Everyone wants to, Ash. No one can." He hands me the flowers and stands up, shaking off the fatigue in his mucles. "I'm sorry. Complaining makes everything worse. I'll come see you before I leave, I promise."
I stand up and watch him walk out of the hospital, flowers in my hand. All of the sudden, I feel like a bride who has been abandoned at the alter. And I feel everyone's pain.
"And now I'm static,
As your sky is turning purple and gray."
"Ashley Kerwin!" Her name pierces through my ears like a whistle to a dog, and I'm sure I look like a deer caught in the headlights. "Ash!" I want to grab his coat, stomp on his foot, shove my tongue down his throat; anything to shut him up.
She turns around and stares at me much like how I stare at her. She turns slowly and walks unsurely towards my boyfriend, who I'm attached to at the moment through interlocking fingers. I notice the flowers in her hands and wonder who got them for her, but I don't care. Probably JT, and that's not a subject I'd like to think about right now.
"Hi," she says bluntly as she walks closer. The tension's so thick you could cut it with a knife, but Spinner doesn't even notice.
"What room is she in?" Spinner asks dumbly.
"I know where she is, Spin," I say lightly, not meaning to offend her, but probably doing so anyway.
Ashley doesn't hear me, or she's ignoring me. "I'll show you."
We follow her down the hauntingly clean halls that meet others and then disappear into more heartbreak and death, or intense ecstasy and new life. I shiver slightly although it's not cold, and Spinner wraps an arm around me. I tremble at the new human contact. At this moment, I wish again that he had stayed with me, I could've prevented this. At the same time, I know I've caused the wound to deepen and split with my past actions. And I know that I could never predict the future, but I still wish that I could take it back and make his life easier.
"JT's in there now," she says in form of explanation as why he's not comforting her. Her words pass over me, and I don't even dwell on my own adulterous behavior only a few nights ago with her current boyfriend.
"I was here earlier," I say in some form of my own explanation. "I just left to get a shower and get Spinner. I was with her in the bathroom."
She nods at me, marking the first time she's made any contact with me that hasn't been with ill intentions. After she turns her head again, I smile; I can't help but smile. Ashley Kerwin doesn't hate me anymore. I've been working on that, well on and off, for more than 2 years.
The long, winding halls suddenly seem shorter, and I can see Emma's room, the door open and the light on. We press on even though the scent and feeling of death overcome me. I almost faint, but I stop and smile, following Ashley into Emma's small hospital room.
I run to her, not noticing anyone but this poor, helpless child in front of me. I kneel on her bed, holding her close to me. "Emma, my God," I whisper. I try to catch my tears so they don't fall in her hair, but I don't care; no one cares. I kiss the top of her head and brush back her hair. I hold her face in my hands. "Whatever happened in the past, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that we couldn't even talk to each other. I love that you and Craig love each other. I'm so sorry this happened to you; neither of you deserved this. My God, Emma, I love you."
She nods tiredly. "Manny, it's, never mind. Forget about it. Craig and I are broken up, how could I ever do that to you? Manny, I love you, too. You've been there for me since forever. Whatever pushed us apart, I'm just so happy you're here now. I'm so happy you were the one that found me. You saved my life."
I hold her for another undetermined amount of time, not letting go this little girl in my arms. I'm not sure at what point I filled out more than Emma had, or grew within inches of her height. But suddenly, she felt so small in my arms, and I would never let go again.
I finally let her free after both our eyes were dry, but still red and puffy from an overdose of crying. I look up and notice that Spinner, JT, and Ash must've given us privacy, although their presence wouldn't have mattered anyways. "So," I say sitting on the bed and grabbing Emma's hand, "why did you and Craig break up?"
"I'm learning that the further that I crawl,
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No."
The phone rings. Again. Need I remind you that this is the SECOND TIME before dawn? And that I am a man who absolutely needs sleep. So, that's not a good equation. Not good at all.
"Hello?" I say a bit meaner than is probably necessary. But, hell, it's 4:30 in the fucking morning. Why must we wake Sean up? He's so tired.
"I'm sorry it's late, and I'm sorry that I'm waking you up, but I thought you might want to know that Emma lost the baby."
"Ashley?" I say out loud, even though I don't mean to.
"Yea, it's me."
"What happened?"
"She just, lost it I guess. She came in last night, and the baby was already dead."
"Ash?"
"Yea?"
"Are you okay?"
"I'm not the one lying in a hospital bed with pains more than anyone can imagine, mourning the loss of my unborn baby girl. I'm pretty good, comparatively."
"I don't mean that. I mean you. I wasn't exactly the best boyfriend on the planet. But, I don't want to be screwy now. Are you and JT..."
"We're fine. Sean, I'm fine. I just called to tell you about Emma. I thought you might want to hear from me before you found out from Paige or someone tomorrow."
"We broke up."
"Who?"
"Paige and me."
"Oh. Okay?"
Wow, Cameron. Irrelevant much? "Thanks, Ash. I'll come down later. Take care of yourself, and you know, give them a hug for me or something."
"I'll do that. Talk to you later."
"Peace." I set the phone back on the dresser, staring at the ceiling. I lay like this until my alarm goes off, signalling exactly an hour before opening shift. I rub my hands through my hair and head to the hospital.
I walk into a half empty waiting room. Ashley's head is resting peacefully in JT's lap as he flips through a dated magazine. Manny, Spinner, and Snake talk in hushed tones on a neighboring couch. Toby's sitting by himself in a chair, sipping tentatively on a steaming plastic cup of coffee. I give him a nod, and he comes to greet me.
"She's in room 118. No one actually thought you were going to come, least of all Ash. She wanted me to wake her if you came."
"Don't," I say cutting him off. "It's better if we don't make a big deal out of it."
He finally meets my eyes and says, "You really hurt her."
"Which one?" I grin stupidly and walk past him, off to find room 118.
I start to read the numbers on the door, so I don't notice Spike walking out one of them and straight into me. "I'm sorry," I say over and over, grabbing her arm to help support her.
"It's no problem, Sean," she says smiling a bit.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"I didn't even fall! Please stop-"
I cut her off. "I mean, about everything. I mean with Em."
I don't even realize I used a nickname until her face goes sympathetic for a second. "It's not what she wanted." She pats my shoulder and walks away, leaving me more confused than ever. She didn't want to be pregnant? She didn't want to lose it? What? Spike is... so confusing.
I take my first few steps into the hospital room with my back to Emma, staring at Spike's retreating figure. When I finally do see Emma, alone and asleep, I let out a very audible noise somewhere between a gasp and a sigh. "Emma," I barely manage as I trace my fingers over her knuckles.
Her eyes flutter open at the mention of her name. She smiles and looks me up and down, so I take a seat on the edge of her bed. "Ash said you weren't coming."
"I couldn't not come, Em. When someone touches your heart, they stay there forever." I stare at her for a few seconds, her eyes seeming to come alive while staring at mine. "I'm sorry. I've been so emotional and shit ever since Ellie. You don't want to hear me blubbering, not after this."
"It's the most honest thing I've heard all day."
She starts to fall asleep in the silence that follows, so I start to tell a story in a hushed tone. After ten minutes, her breathing becomes regular, and I get up to leave. I rub her arm gently. "I never thought you'd be the one falling asleep on me, Emma Nelson."
"And you're in pieces,
As your world becomes a rainstorm.
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away;
You'll survive the day."
"My plane leaves in five hours," he says as easily as if he was simply telling me that it's supposed to rain tomorrow.
"So that's it?" I pull my legs up to my knees to protect them from the harsh sunlight penetrating the concrete outside of my house. "The end of all of your friendships, Emma... me?"
"I need to get away, Ash. There are some things I want to take with me, and I would if I could. But I can't. I know that I'll see you again sometime. If you're ever in New York, look me up."
"I just, I don't know, I can't accept that this is the end. You're leaving now, and by August, it'll be like, Paige, Spinner, Jimmy, Hazel, and me at this big school, with no one else. Craig, we were more than a class; we were a family. I felt like you were part of my family. I felt like there was something bigger keeping us together. If you just walk out of here without looking back at the people you're hurting, I'll feel like I don't know anything anymore. No, either way, I don't know anything anymore."
"Ash, don't be so down on it. These kinds of things happen after college. This is the reason that high school reunions were invented."
"God, I know. I don't know why I'm being such a bitch. I know this is what you need," I say wiping a few tears out of my eyes before they have a chance to spill over.
"Don't cry," Craig says, patting my arm reassuringly. "There's so many more important things you could be crying about, that you will cry about some day a long time from now. I am so unimportant, don't even think twice about me."
"You know I just can't turn my worrying off, Craig."
"That's why I love you." I flinch at the words, but he doesn't even realize what he's said. "I have to go now."
"And I have to let you go now," I say standing up after him.
He gives me a hug, and it takes all my effort not to cry into his shoulder. After we're done, he holds me at arm's length. "Are you going to be okay to give this to Emma, or should I ask Angie?" He gives me a perfectly neat business envelope.
"I can do it," I say sniffing back the other tears.
"Good," he says patting my shoulder. "Goodbye Ash."
"But not forever." He nods. "Goodbye Craig." He walks down my path, and I sit right where he had been only seconds before. He gets in his car and drives off, waving to me as if that can make up for the fact that he's deserted me, us, this town forever.
"You say you're leaving.
You say you're leaving."
"Are you sure you want to be alone tonight, though? I'm sure my mom wouldn't mind if you slept over tonight. Not after everything you've been through today..." I say as I comb my fingers through her long hair.
"Not tonight, babe. I've not slept in 40 hours; I actually need it now. But we don't have to leave yet." She curls up closer to me on the couch, and I kiss the top of her head.
She starts to trace circles on my leg. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
I gulp my Mountain Dew down loudly, trying hard not to choke. Um, excuse me? "Manny, don't you think it's a bit early..."
"Spin, I'm not proposing or anything. I just never want to be alone. Today was so scary, but now I know that I love you, through and through. You're it for me, Spinner."
"I love you too, Manny. But you can't make decisions about your whole life just because you don't want to be lonely."
"I know, but sometimes it feels like you're not in it for the long haul. And I think I've decided that I kind of need you to be. Maybe I'm just naive, but I thought that was what love is."
You don't know what love is, you stupid girl. I hate you. I can't even look at you when I'm done fucking you. And then, all of the sudden, this shit happens with your ex-best friend, and I finally see you as a real person, and it sucks. Because I finally have to deal with real feelings for you, and you're an actual person. And I suddenly care if I hurt you. I can't just walk away from you anymore. Goddamnit. "I love you Manny. I'm not going to leave you," I finally say. She looks up at me and pecks me on the lips.
"Thanks. You don't know how much you just made my day."
I rub her hand gently for a few more minutes. "Come on, we better get you into bed."
I wait for a few seconds, but with no answer. I lean down and see her eyes shut. I smile and pick her up. She's so light in my arms that I don't even mind carrying her across the parking lot. What else can I say? I love her.
"Well, I'm willing to break myself,
To shake this hell from everything I touch.
I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays,
So you don't hurt so much.
So you don't hurt so much."
I roll over onto my side, the pain in my stomach almost too much to bear. Although, I don't know exactly what I would do if I couldn't bear it. Just, die? I wouldn't just die from pain and heartache. Although I could, possibly. It's just not me. I buzz the nurse's button to get some more drugs so that my steady parade of visitors will seem a little less daunting.
Ash comes in shortly after Cyndi dopes me up. She sits in the chair, which is a nice change from everyone sitting on my bed. "Hey Em," she says pulling the chair closer to my bed. "Feeling any different?"
"Yea," I asnwer. "A little better." It's what I'm supposed to say, because everyone's tired of hearing me complain. Most 18 year old expectant mothers only wish to be so lucky, Emma Nelson.
"I really don't have much time, but I wanted to make sure you were okay. Do you need anything?" Sweet, Ash, you're so sickeningly sweet. It drives me insane. Just yell at me, insult me, spit on me, anything to remind me that there's a dirty, disgusting world outside of these whitewashed walls.
"Nope," I say. "I'm pretty good, actually."
"Well that's good. I should be going then, but I wanted to give you something first."
"Okay?"
"Craig left this for you. He's gone, Em," she slides the envelope across my bed as if it's contaminating her for it to simply be in her presence. "He's already on the plane."
I smile dryly. "He really did it? Okay."
"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?" All I have been doing for 24 fucking hours is talking. I want to be alone. What is so hard about that?
"I think I'll be fine."
She stares at me for a few moments as I scan the room with my eyes, careful not to meet her gaze again. She pats the bed and stands up. "I'll leave you to your letter then."
"Thanks." Dry. Do I even have any emotions left?
As soon as she's gone, I tear into the letter like a ravaged beast.
Dear Em-
I'm sorry about everything. I guess you know now that I'm gone, and I probably won't be back for awhile. I hope it's really what you want, because if it isn't, I'll be back in a heartbeat. But that's not the point of this letter. I want to tell you that I am okay with what you decided, and I'm truly sorry about what happened. You didn't deserve it. I'm sure we'll see each other again one day because of our families, and I know I'll always look forward to that day.
I'm sorry this letter was so short, but if I started to get emotional, it would never end. I hope it gives you some sense of comfort.
Love Always,
Craig
I fold the letter up and put it back in the envelope without so much as a tear shed. It's what I decided, and he's gone. He's actually, really gone.
"Never again will I fire this gun.
No never again you're the only one.
No never again, but you're already gone."
My leg can't stop shaking, and I put all the pressure I can muster onto it to stop it. I look over at the man next to me sympathetically. It really does suck that he has to sit next to me. I wouldn't want to sit next to me, that's for damn sure.
"Nervous?" he asks. "I used to be scared of planes myself."
I nod in agreement. Nervous about a plane ride, fucked over by the girl you loved more than anything, yea, same thing. "I'm sorry, I can't really help it."
"It's no problem. I'm Mike, by the way."
I reach my hand over the hand rest to meet his in a business-like handshake. "Craig," I say.
"Nice to meet you, Craig. So what's in New York?"
My life, hopefully. "School. Yourself?"
"Ahh, I remember when I left for college. Scary times, no wonder you're nervous." For the last time, jackass, I'm not fucking nervous. "I'm from New York, I was up here on business."
"What do you do?" I ask, feigning the interest that all airplane passengers must do.
"Nosy, aren't we?" Or, maybe I'm totally alone in the feigning interest sector. "Just kidding with ya. I'm in public relations. It's my job to be nosy, literally." He laughs at his own joke, and I chuckle lightly to appease him. He's a rather big fellow. "Anything else in New York? Family? Friends? A girl?"
It's a long ride, and I'm not going to be listening to public relations stories the whole way, so I decide to tell my story. "I actually left a girl in Toronto. The best girl in the damn place. She's so beautiful, and... and she's the kind of girl that cries when you leave her. My first love if you can believe it."
"I remember my first love. Well, I better," he says holding up his left hand, "I married her! What's your girl's name?"
My leg finally stops shaking on it's own, and I look upwards, grateful. "Ashley. Her name is Ashley."
"I'm willing to break myself;
I'm not afraid.
I'm willing to break myself;
I'm not afraid."
"Hey Ash," I say getting into the passenger's seat. I quickly peck her lips. "How are you?"
"Alright, considering the fact that Craig just left, and I had to deliver his note to Emma. Okay, maybe not so great."
I reach out and grab her hand. "Hopefully, the movie will make you feel a little better."
She smiles at me. "Hopefully. I haven't thanked you for being so incredibly awesome all of yesterday. I really love you."
"I really love you more."
"I really love you most!"
We come to a stop in front of a red light. I lean across the seat and get inches from her face. "It isn't possible," I mumble before kissing her and running my hands through her hair.
A honk brings us back into the real world. Ash laughs. "I wonder how long ago it turned green. So, I'm going to leave on Friday morning and we'll be back Sunday night."
"Wait, what? Where are you going?"
"I haven't told you? My mom just sprung it on me like two days ago. We're going to Quebec for her wedding. Yea, like that one will work out. She'll be fucking the milkman by Monday."
"Well have fun." I want to spend time with Ash, too, ya know. She is my girlfriend.
She leans over and kisses me as if she's reading my mind. "You have me all day today, though. So do what you must to me!" she says dramatically, giggling at herself.
"Won't be a problem." I take her hand again and squeeze it. What god was smiling down on me the day Ashley Kerwin kissed me?
"Well, I'm willing to break myself,
To shake this hell from everything I touch.
I'm willing to bleed for days more reds and grays,
So you don't hurt so much."