I Need You So Much Closer

by Kitty Kat

Updated 1.06.06 Sequel to This Brilliant Dance. When Ashley decides to move to New York, how will it rock the Degrassi community?

8. Bright Lights

I Need You So Much Closer

Chapter 8: Bright Lights

I take a long swig of my beer as Sadie or Haley or whoever this chick is starts talking about why she left Kansas or Nebraska or some bread basket state and came to the 'Big Apple.' "So, then my boyfriend said he couldn't be with anymore, and I was heartbroken. But since I had been here once and just mystified by Cats and all the musicals, I decided I would come try my hand at it. What's your story?"

I look her up and down again. She definitely doesn't have the body to be a dancer. I hope someone tells her before she wastes her life, but it sure as hell won't be me. Not when she's the only thing I want right now. "Long story," I say.

She seems to look me up and down again, and she's quite pleased with what she sees. Even though my skin has turned an awful pasty color and there's bags under my eyes from not sleeping in days, she's still pleased. Wow, she must have horribly low expectations. "I've got time," she says placing her now empty beer bottle back on the counter.

I grab her arm and lead her away from the bar. She's probably mid-twenties, one of those drifters who longs for a family to call her own. My own story about how I was on my way to marriage will get her out of her clothes a lot faster. "Your place or mine?" I ask as I hail a taxi.

"My roommate, she doesn't like it when I have people over."

I arch an eyebrow over my shoulder as cab rounds the corner to the bar. "You do it a lot, then?" I ask incredulously. Slut.

She immediately attempts to cover her tracks. "Not a lot, I just got out of a long term relationship, and he stayed over quite often." Right. Slut.

"I'm not totally moved in, but I have a bed and some wine. Is that enough?"

She gives me a seductive smile, and it makes my stomach turn. "For tonight."

I scratch my head with the hand that I had been hailing a taxi with. It pulls next to us and stops. I open the door and slide over, not caring if it wasn't a gentlemanly act or whatever. It's late, after two, the third night in a row I've been out, and this is still the best I can come up with. I see her fiddling with her hair and shaking a little. Maybe a nervous habit? "Sadie, is there something wrong?"

She looks over, a bit shocked but with a gentle smile. I guess that was the first thing that attracted me to her, her smile. It's not radiant or extravagant, but it gives me a warming feeling that I haven't had in New York yet. "My hair's falling out," she says holding out a palm full of bobby pins. I nod sympathetically, but I really couldn't care less. I'd fuck her in the cab if I wasn't scared of getting even more diseases than this old slut will be sure to pass on to me.

She rests her head on my lap, and I don't move it. I'm too tired, and maybe she'll get used to the view down there. "So, I believe you owe me a story."

"I'm not a very good narrator."

"You're the best narrator of your life. No one will ever come close."

"Wise words. Anyways, I was engaged. I was supposed to move here anyway for school in the fall, but the broken engagement just, I decided to come a bit sooner. There's nothing left at home." Lie.

"A broken engagement? At your age? What happened?"

Way to sound about fifty years older than me, grams. I spot my apartment, and I'm really not in the mood for answering that last question. "Here, driver!" I yell a bit louder than necessary so that my free whore jumps a little in my lap.

We get out of the cab, and I grab my wallet to pay. I give him little more than what I owe, and he gives me a knowing smile. Jealous, almost. He has nothing to be jealous of. I'm jealous of him, jealous that he's not in my shoes and not about to fuck the third random girl this week. Jealous that regret doesn't plague every second of his existence, although it very well might. "Thanks," he says with a toothless smile. Jealous.

I tap the bottom of the window and watch him drive off. "Craig," she calls from behind me. "Craig, it's cold, are we going in?"

"She got out of town,
On a railway, New York bound.
Took all except my name,
Another alien out on Broadway."

I sit and stare at them both, at random points hiding my face because another attack of emotion hits and I have to let the tears out or I'll burst. They look at each other with guilty expressions then back at me with sympathetic eyes. I don't want to ask why, because I don't really care. And I don't want to know for how long, because they'll only lie. I want to know how. I want to know how I was so blind to it. My own brother and my boyfriend. Fucking! The assholes!

"I never wanted you to find out like this," Sean says.

"You never wanted me to find out at all," I retort quickly. "What else are you going to say? It didn't mean anything? How many fucking times do you think you can lie to me and get away with it?"

"We never meant to lie to you, Paige," my older, wonderful brother starts. "We didn't set into this with anything in mind. I love you, Paige."

My hurt and anger boil up, and I can feel it rising with the sickness in my stomach. I can't stand to look at them, either of them. My own flesh and blood, sitting before me looking guilty but not remorseful. And this boy who I had trusted enough to love. The nagging thought that I wasn't woman enough for Sean, that he had to resort to a fag for sex, that thought pushes me over. "Get out of my house," I say through clenched teeth. "Both of you, get out now."

Sean looks ready to obey, but Dylan's not. "Paige, you can't do this. I need to stay and talk this over with you. It'll all be okay, I promise."

"Are you fucking high?" I say standing up and pointing to the door. "How is any of this going to be okay? You're holding in your left hand a condom you were just using to fuck my, my Sean, and your pants are still around your ankles! Please, oh divine Dylan, how any of this will be fucking okay!"

"I guess, right now, it seems as though we won't be able to work through it, but come on Paige, we're Michachuks. That means something."

"That meant something. Before you fucked my boyfriend. Get out."

Dylan tries to make one last attempt, but Sean places a hand on his arm to stop him. Dylan looks longingly at me once before leaving my house. For fucking good, I can only hope.

"Some things in this world you just can't change.
Some things you can't see until it gets too late."

I hate it when the tears are there. I hate it when I can feel them building behind my eyelids every time I blink, but they're not at a time when I feel I can cry. I can always cry, I'm always alone or talking about the baby, but I don't want to be this broken. I've lost a piece of my body, but it's Craig leaving that really has me upset.

I sit cross-legged on my bed as JT urges me to vent about my feelings. He sees through me; he's knows I'm hurting so much more than I'll ever let on. He knows I love my child more than anything, and it's death has been the death of me. But he knows more what Craig wasn't sure of, he knows that I need Craig. That without him, I feel so incomplete. I feel alone when I need someone most of all.

"I didn't know I'd miss him this much. The last few months we were together, I felt as if I just needed out, and he wouldn't let me run. So, now I'll maybe never see him again. And it plagues me constantly that I made this wretched mistake that I'll never be able to take back. Regret. That's what I have too much of. I should stop, but I can't. I'm stuck down here, constantly being told that I should be so depressed that I can't move. I need someone to tell me to cheer up, that I'm acting crazy. I'm acting mental. JT, help, help me, I've never needed it so much in my life."

He grabs me to keep me from shaking. "It's ok, Em. See, you're okay." He holds me tight next to his chest. No, I'm not okay. I'm shaking. I'm alone. I'm breaking down. "We'll go out tonight. We'll go shopping or to a movie or whatever. Ashley's in Quebec, and you know I don't have friends anymore. Totally your call. As long as you let me treat you to ice cream by the end of the night. Fair trade?"

"You're not just doing this because I practically demanded that someone should only a few seconds ago, are you?"

He shrugs. "Am I that transparent? Nah, Em, I miss the good 'ole days. I miss grade 7, hanging out with you, and Toby..."

"And Manny," I finish.

"Yea, and Manny. Back when we all kind of sucked at life."

"Like that one time Kate and Jeff caught you guys searching for porn?" He blushes and smiles. I laugh hysterically at this, laughing for the first time in days.

"I guess the embarrassment never stops. It's good to see you laugh, Em."

"It's good to be laughing again. So, are you going to call Toby and Manny, or am I?"

He nods at me. "You get changed. I'll make all the phone calls. I guess I'm buying for four?"

I laugh at him. Always worrying first and foremost about money. "I guess you are, JT."

He starts up the steps to get out of my basement room. "Best twenty bucks I'll ever spend."

"Baby, baby, baby,
When all your love is gone,
Who will save me,
From all I'm up against out in this world?"

I fold my legs under me as I take a seat on a bench outside of "the cute little Italian restaurant" as Sally calls it. The rehearsal dinner rages inside, and I make a silent vow to never put any of my relatives through the hullabaloo of a huge wedding like that. I pull my cell and a pack of cigarettes out of my purse and set them on the bench. I analyze them both for a few seconds, which should I do first?

I grab a cigarette from the pack and search for my lighter desperately. JT will still be there when I call. I light it up and lean my head against the back of the bench, so thankful that Toby gave up his little 'get-Ash-to-stop-smoking' campaign about the same hour it started.

My thoughts are interrupted by a very rude young man taking a seat next to me on my private bench. "Aren't you a little young to have such a dirty habit?" he asks.

"I'm legal, check my license." His eyebrows seem to raise when I mention my legality, and that's just gross. The old Ash would probably already be naked by now, but come on. What a horrible place to pick up a chick. "Not like that, you pervert."

"So, you're legal to smoke, but you're not legal for other things, is that what you're saying?"

I toss my used cigarette into the ashtray-topped garbage can placed next to me and look him over. He's around 23, 25 tops, with dirty blonde hair and an awful sneer that seems permanently attached. He has pretty eyes though, I'll give him that much. A nice greenish-blue color that really does fit his face. "I'm saying no."

He shrugs. "I wasn't propositioning you."

I pick up my cell phone and punch in JT's number. "If you'll excuse me," I say standing up and grabbing my purse.

"Wait," he says. "I'm such a dick. I would totally walk away and go call my boyfriend too, if I were you, but just don't." He points behind the bench and into the restaurant. "There's about 800 reasons why I don't want to go in there, and no excuses left for me not to. Please, just, if you can stay and bitch at me a little longer, then I won't feel so bad about ditching the, one of my main obligations, I'll just say that."

"You don't need an excuse, and you don't need me to be one. I'm sure you have a house or an apartment and a sleazy girlfriend that you can go home to. Just, leave."

He stretches his arms out on the top of my bench. "Ah, the logic of a bright-eyed eighteen-year-old. Actually, no. On all accounts. I've been having a ton of girl troubles, and I'm currently homeless. I roomed with a buddy of mine from college, but now he's getting married, and she's moving in. Which means..."

"You're moving out?"

"Ding ding ding. Now, I'm the best man at said wedding, and well, usually they like the best man to be at the rehearsal dinner."

"Formalities," I say shrugging.

"What's your sob story?"

I sit back on my bench, and he doesn't move. This leads to a bit of uncomfortableness on my part as his left arm is currently around me. "Just a stupid kid from Toronto who got dragged into town for a family wedding."

He nods. "It must be a popular weekend to get married."

"Must be."

"I'm Preston, by the way. And you are..."

"Ashley."

"That's a good name."

"My mom thought so."

"So, Ashley, what's in Toronto?"

"Drama, but also some of the best people on this goddamned planet. Well, at least they started out in Toronto."

He only feigns interest, but I don't care. "Where did they go? Tell me, where's there a better place than Toronto?"

"New York, New York."

"Ah, I've been there. I think it's a touch overrated."

I shrug. "I couldn't say."

"Well, what about here? Nothing can beat the nightlife."

"I couldn't say, once again. This is about as out as I've gotten in Quebec."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No," I say laughing.

He grabs my hand and pulls me off the bench. He starts walking quickly in the direction he had come, motioning for me to follow. I look back into the restaurant, but I'm too high off of this guy's energy to care. As soon as I catch up, he turns around and starts walking backwards. "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Preston Scott, and I'll be your tour guide for the rest of the evening."

"Maybe, maybe, maybe,
You'll find something that's enough to keep you,
But if the bright lights don't receive you,
You should turn yourself around and come on home."

"So how are you and Spinner?" I persist.

Manny giggles like a schoolgirl. She always loves talking about Spinner. It's her favorite topic of discussion, other than herself. "It's this storybook romance that I've always wished for. Spinner is so-" She's luckily interrupted by the arrival of JT and Toby with two huge sundaes.

"I thought you were getting some for us," I joke.

"Funny," JT answers as he puts one of the two between Manny and I. He hands us spoons, and we immediately start to dig in.

"So what about Craig?" Manny asks, picking up the conversation exactly where it was before she took two huge bites of vanilla ice cream.

"What about him?" I shoot back. "He's in New York, and I'm not." I hold up my left hand to show a bare ring finger.

She looks disappointed. "I know you love him, Em."

We share a serious, grave look. I love him so fucking much, can't anyone see that? He needs to see that, in New York or wherever the hell he is right now. He needs to come back. JT, noticing the look and looking to save the hurt feelings, hurriedly interjects. "Toby, how did you get out of the wedding?"

"I slept with the bride."

My eyes go wide and Manny dribbles out some ice cream she's laughing so hard. JT pats his friend on the back with a "way to go!" I help Manny clean the ice cream off her chin, noticing that JT isn't noticing her. I kind of wanted this to be a cutesy little date for them, since I don't think either of their relationships will last past orientation. "No, Toby, seriously, could Ash have gotten out of it?"

He shrugs. "Probably not. I didn't have to go because they honestly had nowhere to put me. Ash got a room to herself, but I wasn't about to stay with her."

"She did?" JT immediately asks. Jealous boyfriend. He quickly changes his scowl into a joking grin to cover. "I mean, you should've stayed with her. You two have slept in the same bed together before."

Toby tenses slightly, and I give him a weird look. "Yea, when we were like, 13. She's 18 now. It would just be weird. And anyways, I didn't want to go. Weddings are, I don't know, not fun."

Weddings. The topic is weddings. Who will be the first to change it to avoid wrecking Emma's incredibly low self-esteem? "So that movie sucked, eh guys?" And we have a winner, JT Yorke.

"Horrible. Who did they think they were scaring with those special effects?" And Manny are finally on the same team.

"Me," I say shyly raising my hand. "I was totally freaked." They all start to laugh. "You too, Toby?" I ask. He nods. "Okay, I know I was the only loser clinging to JT for dear life in there, but-"

"Oh and she did," JT interrupts. "Look at my arms. It's worse than that time I got a cat for Christmas, and it was gone by New Year's." He checks his watch. "I better get Emma home, guys."

Manny and Toby check their respective watches. "Oh wow," Manny says. "I didn't even realize it was so late."

"Time flies when you're with your best friends," I say.

We all share shy glances, to make sure we all feel the same about this. It's pretty obvious that we do. "Same time next week, guys?" Manny asks tentatively.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," JT says. Toby mumbles in the affirmative. I nod enthusiastically. "I'm gonna be out of money pretty soon," he jokes.

"Whatever happened to 'best twenty bucks I'll ever spend?'" I ask.

He stands up and puts his coat on. "I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"I got a hole in me now.
I got a scar I can talk about.
She keeps a picture of me,
In her apartment in the city."

"Hazel, understand this one. Because I don't. I caught them fucking on Dylan's bed. First of all, I was kind of hoping I could go the entirety of my life without seeing gay sex once. But other than that, with my boyfriend? Why in the hell would Dylan do that?"

Hazel coughs uncomfortably on the other end of the phone line. Well, who else am I supposed to vent to? "I don't know, Paige. That's all very strange. I've never had to deal with anything like that before."

I lay my head back on the bed. "Of course you haven't. Only I have to deal with crazy shit like this. What do I do? I can't talk to either of them again, you know. I might vomit on them."

"Maybe you've jumped off the deep end, Paige. Should I take you to seek professional medical help?"

I laugh, although she doesn't say it quite jokingly. Almost, serious-like. Okay, I'm done venting to Hazel. "Um, Haze, my mom's standing at my door flailing her arms wildly. I better get off the phone. Two hours is my new limit, apparently."

"Apparently. Tell her I said hi. I'll drop by tomorrow, okay? I'm going out with Jimmy tonight, or else I'd take you out for retail therapy."

"No, don't worry about it. None of the stores are open anymore, it's already 9:00. Have fun tonight, give Jimmy a kiss for me."

"Will do," she says so cheerful I could stab her through the phone line. "Bye-bye Paige. Love!"

"Love Haze."

We hang up, and I sit and stare at my phone for another five minutes. Finally, I get the balls to call Ash. Even if she doesn't know what to do, at least she'll care. Maybe. "Paige!" she screams into the phone. The background is nosier than anything I know I've ever attended, and that's saying something.

"Ashley, where the hell are you?"

"Paige, hold on, let me get somewhere quieter! Just give me a sec." I hear a lot of ruffling and Ashley's voice a few times, saying incomprehensible things. I roll over on my bed, bored stiff. After about two minutes, she comes back, and it's much quieter. "Sorry, I'm back."

"Wow, crazy party, eh? Where are you?"

"Quebec. I'm totally ditching the rehearsal dinner with some guy I just met. How great is that?"

"Great? What about JT? Ash, are you drunk?"

"Paige, not like that! He's just totally fun, and he knows everyone here. And I'm not drunk, okay, I just had a couple of drinks. Like five or six beers. And a few shots. But I'm a bigger drinker than that!"

I laugh at drunk Ashley. Drunk Ashley is fun! More fun than stoned Ashley, that's for sure. "Ash, guess what just happened."

"What's that, Paige?"

"I walked in on Sean having sex with Dylan!"

She gasps wildly. "What! No!"

"Yes!"

"No! Fucking? No!"

"Yes, Ash, I did."

"I believe you, silly Paige, that's just so dumb what he did! He's dumb dumb dumb."

"Which one?"

"Sean. Dylan, too! They had sex? Like, gay sex?"

"Yes, Ash, gay sex."

"Whoa. No. Whoa."

"I couldn't believe it either."

"Paige don't worry, I'll come home and, and I'll punch him in the testicle nuts."

I laugh. Yes, drunk Ashley, must bring her out more often. "Okay, well, I'll let you get back to your oh-so-fun drinking parties."

"Awe Paige, no, I don't want to leave you home alone! Do you want me to call JT and have him come over? Or I'll call Sean. Yea, I'll call Sean and yell at him."

I yawn. "Ash, it's getting late, I'll just go to sleep. You can save yelling at Sean until you're in town."

"It's not late, Paige! You can come up here and party with us!"

"Maybe another time, Ash. Have fun!"

"Awe poo. That is no fun at all. I'll do a shot for you Paige, okay?"

"Okay Ash."

"Good night Paige-cycle!"

"Night Ash."

I hang up. Well, that certainly cheered me up if it didn't do anything else.

"Some things in this world, man, they don't make sense.
Some things you don't need until they leave you...
They're the things that you miss."

I'm so tired that I almost pass out on his lawn waiting for him. I lean against the brick in the wall and let my eyes close slowly, slowly... Then I feel someone shaking my shoulder. My eyes shoot open. "I'm awake; I'm awake," I whisper.

"I don't think so baby," Spinner whispers into the hair right above my ear. He places his hands underneath me and lifts me up. "Let's get you to bed."

I'm too tired to protest that I'm actually not tired at all, which proves his point entirely. I simply lay my head against his chest as he quietly sneaks me into his bed. "I just wanted to sleep against a warm body tonight. I hope you don't mind."

He kisses my forehead. "You're amazing, Manny."

I smile a toothy smile at him. "I know."

He climbs under the covers next to me. "So, what did you do all night instead of coming here and watching a movie and keeping me company?"

"I went out with Emma, JT, and Toby. We saw a movie and got some ice cream. JT bought Emma and I this huge sundae. Oh my gosh, Spin, it was so good."

"I could've made you a sundae," he says childlike.

"Yes, but it wasn't only the sundae. It was the company. Spinner, I love you, but they're my best friends. Don't take too much offense, but Emma hasn't spoken to me in so long, and I miss her. I'm going to hang out with her every chance I get now. But you're still the only boy I love with my whole entire heart."

"I love you, too. I guess I'm going to have to be putting up with Marco and Jimmy a lot more, eh?"

"Oh, like that's such a punishment. They're totally great guys."

"But I'm not gay, Manny. I love you."

"I love you, too. But all I want to do right now is watch the inside of my eyelids. Can we stop talking and just go to sleep?"

"Sure. Good night, Manny. I love you."

"Night Spin. I love you, too."

He leans over me to flip off the light. He leans down and lightly presses his lips against mine before snuggling up next to me for the night. Love.

"Baby, baby, baby,
When all your love is gone,
Who will save me,
From all I'm up against out in this world?"

I knock on the door three, four times in a row. Open the fuck up, bitch. It's late, and I have many a places to be. Jay Hobart is not one to stand on any chick's front porch holding a box full of what looks to be teddy bears and apology notes for any amount of time. But as much as I truly don't want to be here, I know that I really have no fucking choice. I need to talk about this 'Sean-goes-bi' thing as much as anyone. I've slept in the same fucking car with him. I think I get a chance at being pissed off about it.

She finally swings open the door exasperated. Before looking up, she immediately starts bitching about how late it is or some shit like that. She does get the sense to look up soon into her little rant, though, and her mouth gapes open. "Jay, um, hey, what are you doing on my front porch?" she cocks her head a little to the side and I can't help but find her really... cute? The kind of cute you rip from the mother's arms and forcefully take away innocence from. That kind of cute. Adorable. Like a kitten.

"Sean told me. And then made me bring this shit to you because he still cares for you, or something or other. Anyways, don't shoot the messenger please."

She laughs, but I was serious. She has this awful gleam in her eye like she just wants to savagely rip someone's head off. And I hope it's not mine. "I won't hun," she says rubbing my arm. She carefully lifts the box out of my hands and sifts through it. In an uncharacteristic movement, she flings the entire box into the bushes right beyond her porch. I turn and stare at it before slowly moving my gaze back to her in amazement.

"What the hell was that?" I ask.

"What he deserves. Maybe his little fag friend will come clean it up for me. Wouldn't that be swell?" I can't tell if she's joking or serious, so I just stare at her some more. "He's my brother; I'm allowed to say shit like that."

"I had no idea you were so violent. It's kind of hot, you know. You should totally revamp your image. Paige Michalchuk, total dominating psycho bitch. Do you like it?"

She contemplates it. "Sure, it'll do. But I mean, come on? What was I supposed to do? Have you ever walked in on Alex and your sister?"

"Well, one, I don't have a sister. And two, Alex could very well be into fucking chicks these days, I haven't seen her in three months. And third, um, it would be kind of hot."

"Your sister?"

"See, I don't have one. So I can make one up in my head, and that one is fucking hot. And so, yes, that would be really hot to see my made up sister and my girlfriend, although it wouldn't be Alex, in bed together."

"You're making my head hurt."

"Good."

"Hey, if you're just going to be standing on my porch shamelessly flirting with me, would you rather go inside and have the TV do it for you? The flirting, I mean."

"Actually, I better be going. Although it was tremendously fun shamelessly flirting with you, and I can see why Sean did it so often. And I can't see why he would rather shamelessly flirt-"

"Fuck," she interrupts.

"What?" I'm confused.

"Shamelessly fuck my brother, not shamelessly flirt with him. You were going to misstep in what you said. So I prevented it."

I shake my head at her. "Night Paige."

She leans against her door frame as I walk away. "Night Jay."

"Maybe, maybe, maybe,
You'll find something that's enough to keep you,
But if the bright lights don't receive you,
You should turn yourself around and come on home."

Preston grabs my waist and keeps me from falling flat on my face. For, like, the eightieth time tonight. I can't believe I have absolutely no balance left! Maybe, I'll never have any balance left. And I'll wobble around like a penguin until I die. I get up to show Preston my best penguin, but he grabs me and pulls me back into the seat again. I pout like a four year old.

He puts his hand on my arm and rubs it lightly. "Come on Ash, I better get you to your hotel. You're pretty gone."

I yank my arm back. "No! I'm having so much fun."

"Come on Ash," he pleads. "It's getting late, and I'm getting tired."

"Then go home! I don't need you babysitting me. I'm 18 years old and I just met you. Who are you to tell me when to leave and when not to? Do not treat me like a little kid! Thank you."

He smiles sweetly at me. I guess he's used to being told off by drunk, neurotic teenagers. "I don't have a home," he reminds me. "If I don't leave soon, I'm not going to be able to crash at Aaron's."

I'm about to tell him to leave me again, when I'm interrupted by the club owner. There's only about twenty of us left on the second level. "Hey guys, time to head out, it's 2:00 and we're closed."

Load groans are heard from all around me, but Preston simply smiles at me. "Fine, let's go," I concede to his pleased smirk.

We stand awkwardly outside of my hotel room. I reach out to hug him, but end up falling into him. He steadies me with a laugh. "Thanks for letting me hide out from my problems with you. You're amazing company."

I giggle slightly. "Thanks for everything! Tonight was so great. Maybe if I ever come back to Quebec..."

"You'll look me up?" he finishes my thought.

"Of course."

"Good. Well, I have very limited time until Aaron will not answer the door no matter how many times I knock."

I have a small internal battle with myself, but I'm drunk. An idiot could see what was coming next. "Don't do that. I have a room to myself since I'm 18 and won't stay in the same room with my parents anymore. I'm horrible, right? But anyways, you've been so great to me all night, and I have room in my bed. But just so you know, I have a boyfriend. I love him very much, and I've done this to him before. I won't do it again. You can stay here, but only for a place to stay. Deal?"

He looks at me and laughs. "That's awful kind of you, Ash."

I shrug. "What can I say? You kind of rock."

"You kind of rock harder."

I stick my credit card key in the lock and open it. It's going to be a long night.

"Let that city take you in (come on home)
Let that city spit you out (come on home)
Let that city take you down...
For God's sake, turn around."

"You could stay here for a lot longer. You could move in." My words linger in the air. What am I thinking? He can't move in. People will talk. They're already talking. Must I make things so much worse?

He looks up and studies me. I stand cooly with my hands shoved into the pockets of my oversized jeans. "I can see in your eyes that you know that's a bad idea. No, I have a dorm room."

"I'm sorry Paige is taking this all out on you."

He looks at me questioningly. "Are you serious? She's more hurt by you, but you weren't even dating anymore. I'm her brother. That's the last thing I should be fucking around with." He comes and plants a sweet kiss on my lips. "But I'm so fucking glad I did."

"I am, but damnit have a lot of people changed since I told them."

"You've only told Jay."

"But that's my point exactly."

"I've never much liked Jay."

"Oh, I can tell. But then again, you never stop talking about him."

He slaps me playfully across the chest. "I just wish homophobic people would lighten up. I'm not hitting on them or anything. I just don't want to be bashed because of who I do hit on."

"You'll never change his mind," I warn.

"I know," he says disappointedly. "I guess I'm still trying to change the world."

"Good luck."

"Baby, baby, baby,
When all your love is gone,
Who will save me,
From all I'm up against out in this world?"

I sit at the now empty table, fiddling with my empty glass of rum and coke. I need some more, but I don't feel like getting up yet. I just feel like crawling under this table and shooting myself. One, because I have the biggest fucking hangover this side of Texas. And two, well.... getting drunk just sucks.

I watch Jeff hold Kate close because he's too uncoordinated to twirl her around like he wishes. Yep, that's Toby's dad for you. The happily married bride and groom are dancing with other members of their respective families. And I'm so totally alone, with only Rummy to be my partner.

I decide that now's as good as a time as any to get a refill. I walk out on to the dance floor, as it's the easiest and fastest way from point A(my seat) to point B(the open bar). I accidentally bump into Sally, and she wraps her arms around me in a huge hug.

"Ashley! Oh, you look heavenly."

She's totally more trashed than I was last night! Ha! "So do you, Sally. You look magnificent."

"So where's your horny little brother?"

"He stayed in Toronto, I suppose. He couldn't bear to see you off to another man."

She giggles drunkenly. "I love him so much! He's such a cutie, don't you think?" She doesn't give me a chance to answer, but I doubt she'd care what my answer was anyways. "Did I see you at the service? I can't remember."

"No. I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. I woke up this morning, and I felt so sick! It must've been food poisoning." I woke up this morning with the biggest fucking hangover I've ever had in my life. And to top it off, my lovely tour guide had already left for his own wedding party.

"Don't worry hun, I was 18 once. Go get some wine! Live a little!" I give a little laugh. If she only knew. "Oh, but first, hold on, you have to meet this wonderful man I married. If only I knew where he was!" She goes off to find her hubby, and I stand in the middle of the dance floor, rocking on my heels. What fun.

I see Eric, Sally's new husband, through a group of people, so I make my way over to him, sure that she'd be there shortly and I'd get this whole mingling thing over with. I saunter idly behind him without introducing myself. That will be Sally's job. A friend and member of the wedding party, maybe even the best man himself, comes and claps him on the shoulder.

"Oh man, but it was so sweet. Little 18 year old, barely legal ass. You'll be missing that now, you know."

"God, you never change," Eric answers him. "You're almost 28 years old."

"So? I have the face of a 21 year-old."

"That face is going to kill you."

"Yea, but this chick, Ashley something, Kerwin maybe, it doesn't matter, so fucking amazing in bed. It's like, she's a porn star at 18. If only I had a camera..."

I grab his shoulder and spin him around so fast I give myself a headache. Not like it's that hard since I'm well on my way to being as drunk as I was last night. "What would you do, Preston, if you had a camera?"

In tune with our perfect timing, Sally comes up just as the scene unfolds. "Good, Eric, you've met Ashley. This is Robert's daughter. Eric? Ash? What's up?"

"You're a real class act, you know that Preston Scott? I'm ten years younger than you, and you got me drunk and seduced me, while I was drunk no less, even when I told you that I didn't want to. That's great. You're a great person. I'm sure that buys you a nonstop to heaven."

"Ashley, come on, it was just a little bit of fun. You had fun, didn't you? You don't have to get all upset just because it didn't turn out to be the fairy book love you imagined."

"I didn't even want to hang out with you, but I felt sorry for you. Old and homeless and you probably have no life. Now, I know, you're just a loser. I'm sorry you ever talked to me. Or maybe you stalked me. Either way, that's what I can tell the courts when I sue you for rape."

Whoa now, Ash. Where the hell did that come from? He didn't rape you. He didn't even come close. You were the most consensual partner ever. Just walk away now. Walk away before you cause any more harm. "You stupid bitch! What the hell? It wasn't rape. You invited me in. You jumped on me. I didn't do anything."

I stare at him for a few more minutes before turning on my heel and leaving. Well, that went over well, don't ya think?

"Maybe, maybe, maybe,
You'll find something that's enough to keep you,
But if the bright lights don't receive you...
Turn yourself around and come on home."