(Chapter Two)

The Advice

Phoebe is in the hall with the babies.

"Oh hello there little Jacky and little Erica. You guys are so cute and precious," said Phoebe. "OH GOD! What is that smell though?"

Phoebe puts both of the babies in the air and smells each butt at a time.

"Oh! Sweet Jesus!" screamed Phoebe. "You smell like crap, little Jack, or shit wait, is it little Erica?"

"Wow Gosh Phoebs, what are you doing in the hall?" asked Joey as he walked in looking at Phoebe smelling the baby butts.

"Oh, hey Joe, just trying to see which one smells more like crap," said Phoebe with a smile on her face.

"Well, I don't think it's the one you are smelling," said Joey looking at the babies.

"Why's that?" asked Phoebe.

"Because the other baby has crap coming down his or her leg onto your shirt," said Joey.

"Oh, wow! Look at that, it's like a little mud river going ONTO MY SHIRT!" said Phoebe now realizing crap was going onto her shirt. "Bad baby Jack, no wait! Bad Erica! Crap I forget what one is which and there is crap everywhere! Monica and Chandler owe me big time!"

"Yeah, they owe you that, plus, it looks like they owe you a new shirt too," said Joey. "And if you don't hurry up, they owe you a new pair of pants too!"

"Oh God Joey! Help me! Please help me!" said Phoebe mercifully.

"Okay, all right, I will," said Joey giving into Phoebe's plea. "Come on, bring them into my apartment, but dear God women, don't get any crap on the floor."

"Joey, if you don't shut up, I will put crap in your mouth, and not just this baby's crap but the other one's and maybe mine!" shouted Phoebe.

"Okay Phoebs, calm down, everything will be all right," said Joey. "When Rachel lived hear, I stole some of her clothes."

"Why did you steal some of her clothes?" asked Phoebe still trying to hold the babies at once.

"I thought it would be fun to try some of them on," said Joey smiling but half embarrassed.

"And..." said Phoebe.

"Well, let's just say that I didn't like the tight jeans," said Joey. "I zipped my manly hood place."

"Oh gosh, damn that must have hurt," said Phoebe.

"Yeah, well not as much as to trying to unzip it," said Joey.

"Joey don't get mad, but there is crap on your floor now," said Phoebe looking down at the floor.

"How is there crap on the floor?" asked Joey. "The baby that is pooping is in the sink. How did it get in the sink?"

"Oh, well I put it there, because I can only deal with so much crap on myself," said Phoebe sharply.

"But how is there crap on the floor then?" asked Joey.

"The other baby started to poop," said Phoebe.

"Gosh! These babies butts' run like a duck's ass!" screamed Joey.

"Okay, Joey, I am going to put the other baby in the sink, too, that way we can clean up this pile of well... crap," said Phoebe.

"I'll go and get Rachel's clothes," said Joey as he entered his room.

"Okay! Then I will start cleaning up the floor with this wonder broom that Chandler bought," screamed Phoebe as she went into the closet to get it.

"Phoebs, what size bra are you?" asked Joey in his room.

"Eww! I am not going to tell you that, you pervert," said Phoebe.

"No, it's just that Rachel's size is 36 C," said Joey. "I was wondering if you wanted to wear the one that I stole from her."

"Oh, yeah good idea, of course mine are bigger, but really it's the smaller bra the better," said Phoebe.

"Well, here, I will just bring out all of the stolen clothes," said Joey as he walked out of his room into the kitchen.

"Eww! Joey! Those aren't clothes! That's lingerie!" said Phoebe. "Wait though, whose jeans did you try on?"

"Well, don't get mad, but they were yours," said Joey.

"What!" yelled Phoebe.

"I said don't get mad, so you can't get mad!" said Joey.

"Oh, damn! I hate that rule. I am not mad, but so is that why when Rachel gave them back to me the zipper was off?" asked Phoebe.

"Yeah, I had to get some pliers and peel it off," said Joey. "It was the longest thirty minutes of my life."

"Oh, gosh! That must've been hell," said Phoebe.

"Yeah, it was," said Joey.

"Well I guess I better go to my apartment and get changed," said Phoebe as she picked up both of the babies from the sink and went out of Joey's apartment.

Monica and Chandler are in their robes in the kitchen.

"Man that was the best I have ever had!" said Chandler.

"You betcha!" said Monica. "But I have had better."

"What!" said Chandler shocked. "Oh, you better not be talking about Richard!"

"Oh! The one and only!" said Monica.

"Fine you know what! I could be just like Richard!" said Chandler. "I might not be able to afford a jaguar, but I definitely can grow a mustache!"

"Oh okay, sure, that's why my best time was with Richard!" said Monica sarcastically.

"Then what was it?" asked Chandler.

"Fine, I'll tell you, but you have to use this as advice," said Monica.

"Fine, I will," said Chandler making a weird look. "Use it as advice. I will. What made him better?"

"He wasn't selfish when you know," said Monica.

"You know . . . what?" asked Chandler.

"When we were doing-," said Monica before Chandler interrupted her.

"Okay! All right! Stop it! Don't finish that sentence!" said Chandler.

"Well, you were stupid enough to ask," said Monica.

"I have got to get out of here," said Chandler as he was leaving the apartment and heading for Joey's.

"Joey! Joey! Open up!" said Chandler knocking on the door.

"Yeah, what is it man?" said Joey looking at Chandler and wondering why he was in his robe. "Oh, you need some advice."

"Yeah!" said Chandler outraged as he flung his hands up in the air.

"Dude, your showing yourself to me," said Joey as he turned away from Chandler.

"Oh yeah, sorry man," said Chandler as he fixed his robe. "What does it mean by not being selfish in bed?" asked Chandler.

"Oh, are you trying to be better than Richard?" asked Joey.

"Yeah! How did you know that?" asked Chandler stunned.

"Monica told me he was the best she ever had," said Joey. "Isn't that a song?"

"Yeah, I don't know," said Chandler not worrying about if it was a song.

"Yeah, I think it is, by Gary Allen!" said Joey. "So you sailed away into-."

"Joey! Quit singing the song and help me out. How do I not be selfish?" asked Chandler.

"Focus on her needs," said Joey. "It isn't rocket science."

"Yeah, well it's, sex science!" said Chandler.

"Man, can you go now, I have to clean up this floor. There is crap all over it," said Joey.

"All right thanks man," said Chandler as he was leaving for his apartment. "Oh hey, don't use that wonder broom. I am gonna give it to Monica for a birthday present."

"Oh, crap!" said Joey.

"What was that?" asked Chandler.

"I said give her the best she's ever had!" said Joey covering up his comment before that while he was the looking at the broom with crap all over it.

"Monica! Monica!" screamed Chandler as he entered their apartment.

"Yeah! What do you want sweetie?" she asked as she was cleaning the bathroom.

"Get into the bed room! I am gonna give you the best you've ever had!" screamed Chandler.

"I love that song!" said Monica.

"Yeah, okay just get into the bedroom now," said Chandler as he walked inside with Monica following behind him.