Author's Note: Ah! I'm so stupid! I completely forgot to tell everybody something! The whole idea from the last chapter, about Eiri talking about Shuichi to Annie, and breaking down and crying, that all came from a wonderful reviewer, Quack says the duck, and I'm so sorry, I totally forgot to add my thanks into the last chapter, but it was all her! I was stuck in the story, but her review helped me…so THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Disclaimer: yeah, so basically I always forget to add this, so here it is! I don't own any characters except Annie, Dr. James, Toby, and everyone else who lives/works at the orphanage (which is also mine)!

Chapter Seventeen

x

x

Dr. James peeked into the door of the children's room. Unfortunately, the object of his mission was not there. It seemed to him that he was always looking for that one troublesome patient. Sighing, he beckoned to a little girl sitting near the door, doing a puzzle.

"Hello. Do you know where Tai is?" She looked up at him with confusion.

"You know…" he prompted, "That nice boy who always comes in here to play with you guys?" Her eyes lit up.

"Oh, yah!" The doctor grinned, happy to have gotten his point across. He waited for her to answer him question, but apparently she had forgotten.

"Uh, have you seen him at all today?"

"Oh! He was in here…um…before. But he left earlier than usual…" A pout crossed her small face. "He said that he had to go talk about grown up stuff with his friend. He said that he was going back to his house…and he said…not to tell you if you asked." A look on concentration made its way onto her face, and a light seemed to go on in her eyes.

"Oops…" she sighed sadly, "That always seems to happen…they always get mad at me too. You don't think that he'll be mad for telling his secret, do you?"

Dr. James reassured the girl that Tai would not in fact be mad, and then he went back to his office. Why would Tai have gone back to the orphanage? They had agreed that the boy would be staying there for one more week, if only for the sake of caution. The man was sure that it must have had something to do with Tai being called down for a visitor yesterday. He hadn't actually come and told the doctor who it was, but Dr. James just knew that it was that boy who had been brought in with Tai's unconscious body, sobbing uncontrollably. There was something about that boy...after all, Tai hadn't had any other visitors, besides Ms. Hift a few times, to figure out the details of Tai's stay at the hospital.

Sitting back in his chair, feet propped up on the desk, the doctor mused the complex mind of Tai.

X

X

X

X

X

Meanwhile, Tai was wandering through the hallways of the orphanage. Almost sadly, he watched the familiar walls go by. Strangely, there was no one in the hallway. In fact, now that he thought about it, he didn't remember seeing anybody when he came in either. Weird…

Slowly, with increasingly wariness, Tai climbed the stairs. Should he really be here? It had just been a dream last night, with Toby, but why had he freaked out so much? Tai realized that his palms were soaking, and he rubbed them viciously on his jeans.

Soon he'd be at the room. Tai stopped in the middle of the hallway, contemplating the meaning of this. Soon he'd be at the room…standing outside awkwardly…with no real explanation as to why he was there. Would he be able to tell Tobias why he was there? No, he'd probably stutter about like an idiot, and end up making a fool of himself. Tai could just see it now.

"Yeah, Toby? I had a dream that you rotted to pieces in front of my eyes, so I came to tell you that I might have a boyfriend. Maybe."

God, it even sounded ridiculous in his head.

And yet, five minutes later, he was standing outside the room, fumbling around for the key that was hidden somewhere deep down in his pocket. Where the hell was it? As he dug into his jacket, it occurred to him that some strange sounds were coming from the room. It sounded like…a struggle.

Visions of Dan and Greg mauling Toby flew through his mind. His hand connected with the cold metal of the key, and with almost inhuman speed, he put it into the hole, and flung open the door. Running in, he collided with…a girl. A beautiful, tiny, blonde girl, who was currently pulling a shirt over her head.

It took Tai a while to understand. More than usual, in fact, but when it happened, the shock was overwhelming. But only until the betrayal hit.

Tai felt his heart breaking as he slowly backed up towards the door. The girl was looking at him with a confused expression, but he ignored her. All he could see was Toby advancing towards him with his arms out.

"It's not what it looks like!"

"Shuichi! It's not what you think!" Yuki put out his arm to calm him. The girl lit up a cigarette in the background

Toby reached out a hand to touch his arm. "Don't take it the wrong way! We're just friends!"

"I swear, it's nothing! Yuki lightly grabbed his hand. "I wouldn't do anything—

"—like that! I'd never betray you, I love you!" The unknown girl, who had been, up until this time watching the exchange quietly stood up.

"You fucking liar! You told me that not two minutes ago! Bastard!" she stalked out of the room. Tai felt all doubts melt away, and he started to break down.

"No, no, I can't handle this again…no...no...no…please go away…no…Yuki! How could you do this to me!" Toby pulled at his arms, trying to make him stand up.

"Tai, stop it! What…who are you talking to?"

"It's my new editor Shuichi! Mizuki was transferred to a new author. That's all. We were just having a meeting."

He spat in disgust at Yuki. "In your apartment? You bastard! You're cheating on me!" A terrible though occurred to him. "How long?" he screamed, "How long have you been seeing her…or anybody else? That's it, isn't it? Anybody but me! You can't stand the sight of me! Why Yuki, why?"

"Tai! I can't understand you! What're you trying to say?"

"Yuki! I loved you!"

"Tai! What the hell? What's wrong?"

"What did I ever do but love you? How could you betray me like this, after everything I gave you? How? Do I mean nothing to you? Is that it, I'm just some form of entertainment? Or do you hate me?"

Toby opened his arms and tried to embrace Tai, having given up on making the boy stand up; obviously he was in rough shape. But a fist connecting with his jaw made him change his mind. When Toby opened his eyes again, Tai was standing unsteadily on his feet, using the wall for support, with fire in his eyes. And it scared Toby. So much that he couldn't move, paralyzed under the waves of hate sent at him.

"How could you hurt me like that Yuki?" The mournful tone of Tai's voice was heartbreaking, and Toby knew that he was near crying.

"I…I didn't mean to! I don't…I don't…" he didn't get to finish his sentence though, because Tai lurched over, and leaned down to the level of his face.

"You could have just told me you bastard! I didn't have to find out like this!"

"Shuichi! Calm the fuck down! You don't understand, she's—"

"I don't want to hear your excuses, you asshole! I'm leaving!"

Toby saw a dusty look in the boy's eyes; it seemed that Tai was having another flashback.

"Wait!" Yuki grabbed his arm, none to lightly. "Just a second Shu, you need to relax.""

"Let GO of me!" With a strength he didn't know he had, he ripped his arm out of Yuki's grasp and speed out the door, tears streaming down his face angrily.

There was no warning for Toby before the distressed boy fainted completely.

Now he was running again

Running towards someone.

Now in an apartment, a rooftop, a studio, he was so happy, he was in love he was—

In a street, a parking garage, bad, scary bad feelings, embarrassment, humiliation, pain, loyalty, love again…

On a stage now, in front of hundreds of people, fear, anxiety, pure, and total happiness, love, love so many times…

He loved him so much always and forever

He was afraid, someone was chasing him, someone who was really, really angry, but then—

Driving down the highway, on the back of a motorcycle, red hair whipping in his face, but he was happy…

Bouncing around the studio, singing passionately, arguing with everyone…

The first time he had heard his song on the radio…the absolute joy that came with the feeling, which could never be recaptured, but would suffice forever. Almost a lifetime of happiness…

The first time he had heard a group of girls talking about him, unaware that he was in disguise merely metres away…

The first time he had heard the screaming love expressed by his fans, and seen them throwing themselves onto stage, going crazy for just the slightest thing…

The first time he had looked into Yuki's fathomless hazel eyes, and seen love.

Running through the airport, a plane, screaming, crying, heat, aching, terrible pain, nausea, sorrow, fear –

He woke up screaming. The only sound was his heart, pounding in his head, blocking out everything else. The feeling was somewhat familiar …

As he lay in bed, thinking, he realized that a great weight seemed to have been lifted from his mind. He could think clearly now, there were no more barriers. There were no…more…barriers…

A concerned face leaned over his own. It was the doctor, worried about him again. He smiled softly; it was nice to know that someone cared so much. On his other side, the boy, Toby sat, looking away stiffly, and trying to hide his tears, to no avail. But he let Toby know that it was okay by touching his hand. He forgave the blond boy for his betrayal...but only because he knew that it wouldn't affect him much longer..

"Tai!" Toby hugged him happily to his chest. "I'm so, so sorry, I don't know what came over me, and—"

He shushed him with a hand waved through the air.

"No." he shook his head softly, sadly.

"Tai?"

"No…Shuichi."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Where are you taking me?" Eiri stumbled, not for the first time, across the rocky old parking lot by the water. Although he had agreed to do this last night, he was now greatly regretting the decision. Greatly. The heavy urn that Annie had insisted he bring weighed down his arm, not to mention his thoughts.

"You'll see…" Was the only cryptic answer he could get from Annie who, not surprisingly, was navigating the parking lot with the natural grace that the author suspected she was born with. On that thought…had he ever seen her fall or trip even once…?

They were now on a cracking asphalt path, walking along a water body that Eiri couldn't recognize as one he'd ever seen before in his life.

"So, just for the record…are we still in New York?"

Annie just looked at him over her shoulder, smiled, and suddenly raced ahead.

"That doesn't exactly answer my question." Eiri yelled to her, struggling to keep up, while maintaining a safe grip on the urn, which was bouncing dangerously around in his arms. The smooth surface of the urn wasn't really helping his hold on; he could feel it starting to slip from his fingers.

"Slow down!" All he heard in response was a giggle. Obviously Annie didn't appreciate the seriousness of the situation, so he repeated himself, but this time louder. It might have been the tone of his voice, which was bordering on rage fit, or maybe she just decided that it wasn't funny anymore, but Annie stopped and turned to face the author just as the urn slipped from his grasp and fell to the ground.

In that split second, Eiri felt his heart stop. It seemed to be in slow motion that he dove down onto his stomach, outstretched his hands, and…caught the urn safely. Well, the urn was safe…his fingers were another story…

Annie's eyes were as wide as saucers when Eiri glared up at her. Then, she started giggling again.

"Wow, that was very…um…dramatic. I think you even shouted 'No!' right when you dropped it…"

"It's nice to see that you have such a great respect for the dead…"

"Come on, hurry up, we're almost there." Eiri could feel his temper starting to flare at her aloof attitude of the whole occasion. How could she be so crazy when he was holding the remains of his dead boyfriend in his own arms? Was there something funny about that to her? These Americans were insane…And where were they going anyways?

"Almost where?"

"There!"

The author followed her pointed finger to a beautiful, rocky peninsula, that was continued by a man-made platform after the land stopped. There was even a wooden bench to sit and watch, presumably, the sun set over the water. It would probably be an amazing sight at this time of the year. But Eiri wasn't really concerned about that. He was concerned about finding out why the hell he had been in a car forever, only to end up by the ocean, in god-knows-what state...even country for that matter…

"Why—" But Annie was already running towards it excitedly. By the time he reached her, she was leaning against the railing, staring dreamily out at the water with her head resting in her hands. A smile played across her face happily.

"Isn't it just beautiful…?" She sighed contently, turning around to face Eiri.

"Sure, but why are we here?" Instead of answering, Annie sighed again, and sat down on the bench, patting the seat beside her.

"When I was little, my parents used to always take me to this spot, to watch the sun go down, and we'd all sit right here, the very place that we're sitting now, and we wouldn't say a word. I think it was probably my favourite time of the whole year.

"But then, one time when we were walking down the path, on our way here as usual, a man came running up and pointed a gun at us, demanding my dad to hand over his wallet. My dad tried to wrestle the gun away, but it went off, and hit my mom, and when my dad tried to help her, the man shot him too. Then he ran off.

"For so long, I couldn't come back to this spot. I couldn't even think about it. I went into deep depression, and wouldn't leave the house, and completely withdrew into myself. It was terrible, but I just couldn't stop thinking about my parents, and how they had died such an ugly death, in such a beautiful place.

"My aunt, who I was living with, bundled me up one day, and drove me out here in her car, not telling me where we were going. When we got here, she let me out, and said that she wasn't letting me back into the car until I moved on.

"I cried, and screamed, and pounded the windows, but she wouldn't let me in, so there was nothing else to do. I started walking down the path, and it was all right, until I got to the spot where they had died, and started remembering the whole thing. And it was like I was there again, watching the whole thing, but…then…I looked up, and saw the sunset, and it was so beautiful that, I started remembering all the years before that we had come and had the best times, and I felt so much better.

"My aunt told me that I had stayed out all night, when I got back to the car, but all I remember is a perfect sense of peace that didn't leave me, even after I left.

Eiri, who during her story had been listening without comprehension, started to understand why he had been brought there. Jumping up, while still protecting the urn, he started shaking his head.

"I see what you're doing. It's not going to work. I mean, he didn't even die here!"

"It doesn't matter. You have to move on; besides, you said that we could do this."

"I didn't know that you meant this kind of this!" The author started pacing frantically in the small space available.

"It's okay Eiri. Just let him go, you'll feel so much better about everything. You can do this."

"Well I don't want to!"

"You have to!" For the first time, Annie raised her voice at him, and it had its desired effect. Eiri stopped pacing, and looked at her. Now he was listening.

She tentatively took his hand, and when he didn't pull back, pulled open his fingers with her hand. Taking the lid off of the urn, she dipped his hand in, and softly closed his fingers around a handful of ashes. Shock registered on his face at touching the soft, dusty material. When Annie knew that he understood her meaning, she slowly took her hand off.

For a moment, he held the ashes in his open hand, looking intently at the beautifully coloured dust. Terrible pain tore at his chest, ripping his into pieces. A part of him wanted to forget, to forget everything and never hurt again. But a part of him wanted to go on mourning.

Delaying, he glanced over at Annie. Her eyes prompted him on…Eiri walked over to the edge of the railing, and held his hand out over the edge. But he could bring himself to drop it.

"I…" Annie leaned in eagerly to hear his words, "Do I really need to do this? Haven't I already let him go enough?

"Have you really? Think about it Eiri; do you think that's true? Have you really fully let him go?"

Eiri thought about it. Sure, it was true that he didn't think about Shuichi and get so depressed as much anymore, but, he had to admit, there were still times when he would imagine that Shuichi was going to walk in the door of his apartment, alive and well, saying that it had all been a misunderstanding, or he would waking up and for a second think that it might have been a dream, and any minute he was going to smell something burning in the kitchen.

It seemed that Annie was right after all. He really had been holding on to something that would never happen.

With a last loving look, he clenched his hand into a fist, and flung the ashes out into the water, the sunset reflecting deeply in his eyes. As he watched the dust fly gracefully out into the water, he knew that he had finally accepted his loss, and could begin moving on.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Author's note: Wow, how ironic...

And if I was mean, I would end the story here, which I'm sad to say I almost considered for a second….but don't worry, it continues…

btw, Annie's long speech, which may possibly been the most she's ever spoken in the story, and its so frigging random. Beh…just thought I'd mention it...