Part 4: Starfire Blue Tears

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans

RxS. Robin is having another nightmare. Seems like he deals with them often. But he won't say so. He won't admit he's hurt. Because he's not ready to let anyone try and heal him. Or... he doesn't think he is. It's kind of hard to understand the love that's being realized tonight... but at least he's finally knocked on her door.

The clock at my bedside ticks slowly away at the time. It is night. I am swallowed in a cocoon of blankets. I see the insides of my eyelids and nothing more. But I hear much. The tick-tick of my little alarm clock and the gentle sway and swish of my rustling curtains. The night breeze teases its way through my half-opened windows. I am not sure if I am awake or asleep, so I settle into thinking I am at a serenely euphoric medium. I am cradled in the loving arms of slumber, but still tied to reality.

This is a very nice feeling and I do not wish for it to leave. I am surprised that, for once, my solitude does not frighten me. Perhaps that is because I know that just outside my door there are other rooms in which my friends reside. It is a very comforting notion to a being such as myself. The dark has never been an enjoyment to me. I know that some of my friends thrive in the dark, and thus I am slowly coming to understand that the absence of light is not always as terrible as I had perceived. Not… always… but still, it… the absence of light can never be completely good, can it?

I sigh and wilt deeper into my sea of sheets and blankets. My hair is splayed haphazardly across the bed and my feet are propped up slightly by a single pillow. I never did understand the terran preference of using pillows for one's cranium. I slip in and out of consciousness, tiptoeing at the edge of sleepy oblivion. My thoughts are incomplete and swim by, like flickers of light.

It is in such a state of being that I hear a whimper somewhere out in the hall. My eyes are open in an instant. I stop breathing for a moment or two, listing. Someone is crying. I bite my lip. I do not know who… all of us seem to be unfortunately prone to shedding a tear or two, late at night when we are alone with our memories. Whoever it is must be crying quite loudly, for I should not be able to hear such a small noise from within my sleeping chambers. And yet…

"NOOO!" A very sharp yell swings to my ears and my body tenses. I jerk up in bed. I am wide-eyed and statue-still. The night grows quiet again. I listen for more sounds, but am greeted only with the soft murmur of midnight noises. No more yelling. No more crying. I swallow, concerned.

Long minutes pass, announced by my clock faithfully. Finally, I lie cautiously back and snuggle into my sheet-cocoon again. My alien eyes cast a halo of green light out into the dark, illuminating my face like that of jade phantom's. I cannot go and comfort the soft sobs that have begun to drift through my door again. I have decided I know to whom these murmurs of sadness belong. There are three of us on this floor. Robin, Raven, and I. Raven… does not cry.

I wonder if she is awake. Perhaps she also wishes to console the forbidden sorrows leaking from our leader's hidden eyes. Truthfully, I have never seen him cry. But I have heard him many times.

I wish to hold him and chase away whatever demons that are tormenting him, but I know I cannot. It is not my place… and that absolutely slaughters my heart and soul. I bite my lip and let my eyes slide shut. I hope I can still sleep, despite the serenade of muffled sobs that are pricking my ears. At times, I curse my Tamaranian hearing.

Raven must have heard his yell, but she knows as well as I that he would only become more upset should either of us attempt to go to him. He has a strange attraction to secrecy, when it comes to matters of what he perceives to be weakness. It is a wonder that he does not despise me for all of the times I have cried openly, for he seems to be so harsh when dealing with himself. Perhaps he is simply tolerant of the fact that that my people cannot hide our emotions. Any of them.

It is a long time before I finally return to my middle realm of wakefulness teetering on the edge of sleep. I will myself to step over and slumber. I breathe slowly, and finally… I drift away clinging to my last troublesome thoughts about the Boy Wonder's tears. He still seems to be under the impression that we do not know he cries at night…

…

…

…

My eyes fly open again and I gasp. Something has woken me but I do not know what. I sit in silence for a minute or two, my ears straining. Then it comes again. A soft knock on my door… insistent. I blink. Who ever…?

"Greetings?" I utter blankly. "Er… that is, enter please," I run a hand through my hair and stand, shuffling towards my door, bare-footed, as it slides open.

I stare stupidly. Robin stares back. I shift in my nightgown. He continues to just… stand. He looks… smaller than usual. I have always been aware that my leader is rather petite, but he looks very tiny tonight. "Robin?" I ask of him, gently. Any signs of the tears I know he shed earlier are gone. His cheeks are dry.

"…Star…" he says back.

I do not move or speak and I almost do not breathe. I am waiting for him to continue.

But he does not say anything else. Rather, I am suddenly engulfed in a tight hug. I jump in surprise but then stand awkwardly in his embrace, greatly perplexed. To my knowledge, I am the only titan who seems apt initiate hugs. However, it is most definitely Robin hugging me right now, and I am bewildered.

More time slithers by and he simply refuses to move, not that I am trying to make him move… and he does not speak. I am blinking rapidly. Finally, I sigh softly and work my arms around him as well, hugging him back. His entire frame seems to deflate in my arms and he clings tighter. Or at least, I think he is clinging tighter.

"Robin?" I murmur again. What has prompted this late-night rendezvous to my room is somewhat beyond me.

"…Kori… don't ever… leave…" he shudders, his voice muffled against my shoulder. I frown slightly. Was I… intending on leaving? This is news to me. I do not think I intend on leaving. Have I forgotten some decision I made? No… I do not plan on leaving. Robin is talking again. "Nnngh… thank God… it was just a dream…just a… d-dream…" He mumbles to himself, holding me tighter still. My lips part.

"Robin… what is wrong? What did you dream? Dick, I am here… it is fine. Please, what is the matter?" I breathe, staring down at his mop of ebony hair. He seems hesitant to let go, but does so anyways.

"Nothing—it was nothing… I just… you…" he shakes his head and I cannot read his expression well, for his mask is still securely in place. I have seen the eyes that peer out from behind that mask. I wish to see them again. But it is not the time to ask this of him. He is upset. A dream, evidently, that has… frightened him? I do not know. He exhales.

"Dick, why were you crying?" I ask at last. He opens his mouth to speak and then stops, starts again, and then stops.

"I… wasn't…." he frowns now. I touch his shoulder. He is not in uniform, rather a white undershirt and black sweats.

"You were," I insist. He looks down at the floor.

"It was just a dream," he mutters, more to himself then to me. I twist a lock of hair about my finger.

"A nightmare?" I voice quietly. He looks away, back out the door and into the dimly lit hallway. He seems to be unsure of why he is here now.

"…yes, I… guess…" he looks back at me, and he is staring very carefully at my face. He studies me for a brief moment and then runs a hand wearily through his hair. "Sorry. I woke you up… I shouldn't have. I just—needed to… see…" he trails off.

"See what?" I ask. He shivers and then cups my cheek with his hand. My green eyes search his face questioningly while one of my hands moves to rest atop his.

"You… alive. Here. It was just a… nightmare… like you said. Sorry," he mumbles, suddenly backing out of the door.

"Robin, please," I say. He stops. His gaze questions me. "Do not be sorry. Everyone… has fears." I breathe. "Everyone has nightmares. Everyone cries," I reach out to him, bolder. He stands. He does not accept my outstretched hand. So I let it drop. I bow my head and hug myself. Why must Robin deny what we all know so well?

He has finally come to me, even if he is still trying to hide his tears, he has come to me. I want to help him with… whatever it is. I wish I was more accustomed to this planet and its ways, so I could know what he needs right now. But all I have is what I think he needs. And I cannot force him to take it.

Will there be more nights like this coming?

Robin is still standing in the hall. "Dick, I want to help you so badly, but you will not tell me what it is that frightens you. You will not even admit that you are frightened. Or were. I do not care. I just want to help you… give you whatever it is you need. I want you to stop having to cry by yourself at night. Do not deny it… I hear you. So often I hear you."

I look up at him and shake my head. I do not know what to do. "Why did you come here?" I ask him, motioning back to my room. I believe I know. But I need him to tell me. I need him to say it fully, rather than mumble broken bits of it to me as he leaves. His shoulders slump further. He is tired.

"Starfire, I can't," he says. He frowns. I frown too.

"Cannot what?"

"I can't tell you what you want to hear."

"What is it that you believe I wish to hear!" I ask, flinging my arms helplessly… irritated. He came here… he cried… he was hurting and he came here. A nightmare, some haunting memory… I do not care what it is I simply want to help him. With everything. Why will he not just say he needed… needed… Just needed…

"I can't tell you that I needed you. I can't tell you that I needed you to help me or hold me or whatever it is that you wanted me to need." His expression has grown distant and monotone. Robin knows what I want. And he will not have it. I feel something in me break. He turns around stiffly now. "I'm sorry, Starfire. I shouldn't have woken you up, just because of a dream. I was being stupid."

I watch him begin to walk away. I feel cold. Dick, if you do not need me then why did you come? Why do you cry? I want my blanket-cocoon back. "D-do you need… anything?" I call after him, my voice quiet and sad and almost desperate. I hate it.

"…no." he says. I take a few slow breaths of air.

"Then… do you want anything?" I say, hollow. He stops in the middle of the hall and looks back at me, something close to a scowl on his face.

"Don't say that, Kori," he warns.

"W-why not?"

"Because you don't mean that. You don't want that." He replies. I look at the floor and I feel my own tears coming. I just want to be able to sleep without hearing him torture himself alone. I do not care what that takes. I want him to stop hurting. It should not be normal to hear him battling nightmares in that dark room of his.

"Perhaps not… I do not know. I just wish you would share your pain or… anything to make you stop hurting, Robin. Anything…." My words are disconnected. But he understands what I am trying to say. "I love you, Dick. And I want to see you happy. For real. I do not want you to be alone, even if it is not with me, Robin, please just find someone to share your pain. You have been through so much a-and I do not even know half of it. Why did you come?" I ramble.

He has come back to me now and his hands are gripping my shoulders. I look up.

"I'm sorry that I came. I really am. But Kori, the last thing I want you to do is love me." He growls.

"…why…?" I breathe, confused.

"My pain, Starfire… I can't put that on you. I can't. You don't need that. You're too innocent to have to have that shared with you,"

"B-but… I want that. I want to share that hurt with you. Perhaps you do not need it. Perhaps you can bear it on your own but I would be s-so blessed to share your sorrows," I say back. Robin is quiet. "Dick?" I say, meeting his stare now. "I-If you would only share your hurt… I so dearly wish to share my joy with you…"

I wait for him to say something. Anything at all. He is mute. So I sigh and close my eyes. "When will you stop thinking about me and whatever ideas you have on protecting me… when will you do something that is good for you?"

"Maybe when I'm strong enough to let you help me. Maybe when I stop loving you too… I don't know." he sighs, defeated. My eyes are still closed.

"Y-you love me?" I ask slowly.

"…yes."

"Then will you try to let me help you? At least try, Robin… please?" I plead. Eyes still shut…

"Maybe someday. I can't right now. I know you want to help me and, God, Kori I know you can but I just… I'm not ready." At least he has admitted it. At least I know he does need. He lied but—but he lies about many things. About how things do not bother him or hurt him. About how the titans are nothing more than a team to him. About how he does not cry or suffer from frightening dreams at night.

"When—when you are ready to need me, will you let yourself? Will you promise not to fight it when you are ready?" I ask. I open my eyes to see him nod. "And… at the very least, you will let me love you. Do not tell me you do not want me to," I continue. Another slow nod. "Even if you will not let me help you… right now… do you think you can keep loving me too?" I end.

Robin does not nod this time, but I know it is a yes because… he kisses me. Gentle and sad, but tenderly hopeful for himself. Hopeful that he will be ready to share soon. And it is hopeful for us. Because he will let himself love me, and I will love him until he is ready… and after he is ready.

Our kiss ends. I reach up and pull off his mask to study his sapphire eyes. I lean in and kiss him again. He never did tell me why he had come to my room tonight. At least, he never did tell me what he had dreamt. But as I look into his eyes, I know. I know because he is sharing it with me and does not know it himself. He is ready. But for him to speak… I will have to wait until he realizes he has always been ready.

It is hard to express what has happened tonight, or what is going to happen next. I myself do not fully understand it, save that he loves me as I love him. And that someday I will have the chance to help him. For now, these naked eyes staring back at me… these eyes he has shared with no one but me… they are the only blue tears he will let me see and I… I can live with that.

Author's Note: oO eep. I reeeaaally don't know what to think of this bugger. I kinda sorta hate it and kinda sorta love it. Heh. Way to be indecisive, right. Gawd, I totally spelled that wrong. I need spell check on the editing page. Whatever. I hope it was at least mildly understandable and I didn't give too many of you a migrain with my messed up logic that is just about as bad as Starfire's 'sleepy thoughts' when viewed fully awake. OOOHHH that sentence didn't even make sense. Grr. Well, I hope you'll all be kind enough to give me a little feedback. It's off to the next section now! I will eventually add that bee/jinxXcy fic in Bittersweet. Eventually. Blech.

Love, Princess Starfire of Tamaran