Part 5: Raven Perception
Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans
Slight BBxRae. Raven's powers have always been viewed as fearfully dark enchantments, but the young empath can't help but consider that everyone is jumping to conclusions. Until they've lived how she's lived and felt what she's felt… what place do they have to call her 'dark' or 'creepy'? The reflections of a demon-bound sorceress.
I am Raven… the Teen Titan. The witch. The goddess vomited up by a demon father. The Goth. The ice princess. The fading spirit.
I am Raven, and Raven seems to be quite a lot of things. Yet I am one. One individual torn from the arteries of rage and spat into the world by way of a raped woman. I am the daughter no being would ever wish to have as a child. I have nightmares lingering in my eyes and slaughter tickling my fingers.
And yet…
I am happy.
Perhaps it is twisted and utterly blasphemous that I should find a few shreds of happiness in this life, and selfishly hoard them as my own. Perhaps, but I don't care. That is to say… I have always been, and always shall be, burdened with an unfathomable amount of guilt. And my obtaining of a little happiness cannot make my load any worse.
However, happiness to me is a very different matter then that which is experienced by any other of our city's general populous. My happiness is tainted. As are all of my emotions. I have but one emotion that runs pure through my veins… and that is rage. I am very purely shackled by the bonds of Trigon and I can't deny it for an instant.
It is an ever present weight on my mind. Still, despite the fact my meager happiness is a tainted one; I can't help but huddle in it and cling to it with a passion. It would be a lie to say emotions are forbidden to me. Rather it is the expression of any and all emotion that gnaws away at my psyche. That is why I cannot tell those who have given me my fragile happiness what miracle they have bestowed upon me. I am, in essence, a walking paradox. I am a very delicate balance of hope and death strung out on the most breakable of threads.
You see, I can't express my emotions the way anyone else might. I'm forced into channeling every flutter of feeling in my hollow shell of a body and release it in the light-deprived waves of obsidian power that have become so closely associated to me. I'm not the only one with telekinetic abilities in this secretive little world. I'm not the only empath, either. I am, however, the only half-demon who feels by passing her emotions to inanimate objects. Understand then, exactly what my powers are. If you wish to call them powers at all.
Perhaps it is the only way you might begin to perceive me in such the manner that I dearly hope you will. There is a very good reason why I ramble about being unable to show my feelings. Truly, there is. I suppose it is a very weak attempt at apologizing for my lack of affection towards my close friends. I am not sure. But still, I wish you could understand that I have tried. It doesn't work for me, though. I try and show a little happiness, a little concern and my mind goes numb. I loose everything. I am blinded by the emotion and I can't see that I'm acting foolishly or without reason.
It's not something I can afford. I can't do anything without knowing its end. And yes… at most times, I know at least vaguely what will become of my actions. My visions supply enough to complete what I cannot deduct from logic. Logic is really the closest step towards feeling for me. And I know it's so, so wrong.
I hug myself and exhale slowly, steam curling from my lips… a ghost of my spirit drifting… drifting away. I look across the round table at which I am seated and arch an eyebrow at Beast Boy. He is watching me. I blink and look away. Just over his shoulder. And my gaze is far away and then gone. The sound of the other titans squabbling over the last slice of grease-drenched pizza dulls to a sleepy murmur in my ears. I am thinking again. Thinking and doing nothing else, but still aware of Beast Boy's steady gaze on my silent figure, searching me. Searching for what, I'm not sure. Perhaps he is simply searching for me. I would like to tell him that if he does find me, somewhere within the billowing fabric of my cloak, I should like him to tell me where I might find myself as well.
It is cold and the winter air kisses my pale face and caresses my hair with skeletal fingers. It doesn't matter though, for my physical self is hardly on my mind at the moment. No, I am still pressing through that which defines me and trying to understand. Trying to understand and relate.
My powers are, in essence, my emotions. Or at least, what becomes of them. Please… is it at all possible for you to imagine? Every time I feel a flutter of joy rise in my being… every time I feel a tear burn at the back of my eye… I must suppress. I suppress and release. I burn away every feeling that slithers through my heart by transferring it to something, anything that can hold such things as emotion without the threat of slaughtering dear friends. It is so, so hard to keep going sometimes. To allow myself to be taunted by the fragile caress of happiness only to fear it and cast both my terror and euphoria out into something that will never appreciate what gift it has just been given.
But still, I know I am happy because so often it is the butterfly-kiss of a smile that I am casting out rather than would-be tears. I believe if I could ask for one thing to be lifted from me, I would not ask to be able to express my feelings. It's strange, because so often I long to be able to simply smile or hug or cry. Or maybe even scream. But I've grown used to abandoning my feelings and I can go on. I don't need to be able to show what's in me to know that I've got something… something more than an empty corpse of a soul.
If I could have just one thing lifted from my shoulders… I think I should like to be able to wake up and know I would never need to meditate again. Oh God, I would love that so much. It's the hardest thing…really, it is. I would be alright to just let myself go if only there was a dimension I could escape to where the only life that would be ended was mine. I don't matter that much. I only meditate because it saves you. Maybe you don't realize that I keep my 'powers' in check only to keep you and the other titans safe.
I might be doing it for this city too, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I do it for you. It's so ironic to hear you and the others comment on how… peaceful I appear when I meditate. Yes, I do hear you. I hear all of you. All the time. You think I'm peaceful. You think meditation makes me serene. Maybe it does, but I don't really think about it. I don't think anything after I meditate. Not for a while. Not until the fire consuming me from the inside out and my heart begins to beat again do I actually think.
Half the time you say I'm meditating… I'm not. My meditation is very short. It only takes a small while to fold in on myself and retreat to the reality that is my mind. It only takes a little while to summon Trigon and allow him to do as he wishes with me. I let him because it keeps him quiet. It keeps him satisfied enough to remain sedated in the back of my mind and remain there. He is a demon, and his pleasure is my suffering. He tortures me… burns me, binds me. He wants only to see his daughter suffer… and then to see the world suffer.
The cycle was completed once. We thought it was the end of the world. You met my sire. And we 'defeated' him. So now he is within me again and his daughter is not done suffering. Until I am finished and can take no more, he will leave the earth alone. And that is why I meditate. For there is a dual effect. He is calmed for a time and I am numbed. Numbed until I cease to think or move blood through my veins. Inevitably, it allows me to cease to feel. And then I stop meditating. I split back through myself and return to normal consciousness. I wait until the knives stop driving themselves through my skull and limbs stop burning and burning and burning. I wait until my heart starts again and I can 'function.' Then I stop 'meditating' and go on without feeling a thing for a little while. And still none of you realize that I stopped my meditation hours before my eyes reopened.
I'm still waiting for you to figure out that my mantra… my 'incantation' is the best form of screaming I have. It is the only screaming I have and by far, it is the only crying I have.
You know, I really wish I could tell you all of this. I wish this could tumble as easily from my lips as it does from my mind. I wish I could tell you how strangely broken and joyful I am. I wish I could give you happy tears. A mix of sorrow and pain and dancing and bliss.
I wish I could make you understand all that. But I can't… because it would make me acknowledge what I feel and wish to express. And if that happened with… love… I know I wouldn't be able to give it away to something that would never even 'know' what it had received.
I blink, refocusing my eyes and look down at the table. The last slice of pizza is gone and everyone is speaking contentedly. Cyborg has pizza sauce on his chin. He is still watching me. I frown slightly and push back a strand of indigo hair. Then I tug up my hood and meet his gaze, cradled protectively within the shadow of my cloak. "Why are you staring at me, Beast Boy?" I drone. Monotone. I already know why he is watching me but I ask anyways. It's nice to pretend I don't. It's nice to deny certain truths. Especially ones that make me feel. Beast Boy's emerald cheeks flush slightly.
"Er… sorry, Raven. You just looked a little d-distant is all. Like you were thinking about something important," he simpers and scratches the back of his neck. I let a very soft sigh escape me.
"Mmm… well, it wasn't anything important… So you can stop staring now." I reply. He coughs and looks away, hurriedly jumping into the conversation being volleyed between Robin and Cyborg.
It wasn't anything important… it was just everything I wanted to say to you. It was just everything I wish I could feel for you, Garfield.
And I close my eyes, take a deep breath and decide that perhaps I should meditate.
Author's Note:Bashes head on desk: I'm sooo sorry I didn't post last week and that this is so short! But honestly, I was trying to make this good. I was given a "hopeful,"so to speak, that there would be a fic in the Ravensection that was more a Raven introspective fic and not something purely relationship-ish. I thought it over and figured it'd be a good chance to express some of my views on the exact essences of Raven's powers and what she's really doing when she meditates... etc. As you can see, I still had to have a little bbxrae-fulness so there ya go. Perception... the product of two weekends worth of deleting and rewriting. I think I'm pretty much satisfied with the way it came out but it's rather short. It's one of those fics I'm not disgusted with but I'm not sure about. Kind of wierd, but whatever works... I guess. I will tryto post this coming weekend but it may be another two-week deal. Still, the next one I'm thinking will be a bbxrae humor-type thing. Weeelll that's about all I needed to say except for: OMG DID YOU SEE THE RXS AWESOMENESS IN SNOWBLIND AND FOR REAL! not as good as Stranded but YAY! oh, and... pertaining to recent events I just want to remind everyone that flaming is mean... even if it is a flame for a silly rxr shipper. lol. But, seriously, author's hate it when you bash something and refuse to provide CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. On that note,constructively criticize me away!
Love, Princess Starfire of Tamaran