It's hard.

It's hard to be neglected… to be forgotten, to be left by the roadside… to be alone.

But above all, it's hard to be rejected.

I try to keep a mask of happiness. I really do. Sometimes the urge to cry gets too strong, but I always, always stop myself from breaking down.

Why?

Because I had long realized that it wasn't going to help at all if I broke down. Perhaps there would be sympathy; perhaps there would be pity. But it wouldn't last very long. A day or two they might change. But sooner or later it's all going to come back, and the situation is going to be worse, because I've already had a taste of what it could have been. What difference could there have been, if the circumstances had been changed.

Still, being strong… isn't a solution. Each day it gnaws at me, weakens me. And each day the effort needed to keep up the façade of being happy gets larger. Sooner or later my strength will wane, and my true state of my being, the mess in its entirety, will be revealed. But, until that day comes, I will be actively looking for a solution to this problem… a method to fix the mess that is my life. No, I'm not contemplating suicide (I can't anyway). Suicide is for losers… people who face the same problems as I but seek the easy way out. Instead, I try.

Sometimes, I don't know exactly what is wrong. Is it my mannerisms? Do my actions irk people? Or is it my personality; maybe the way I interact with people make them dislike me? Or, it might even be my clumsiness. I know it's annoying… but shouldn't they know that it's out of my control? Maybe it's a combination of all three factors! But I might never know. People tend not to point out other's mistakes. They become increasingly annoyed and violent at my mistakes… and the relationships start fade… until finally they leave silently… much like many people I used to count as friends. In the end… they always do.

I have tried to change… oh yes I did. Until now I'm not even sure who I am. Sometimes I wonder if I'm merely a shadow of my former self, but then, I realize… that I can't remember who I was at all. But that's beside the point. All the sacrifices I have made, all the times where I have changed; they were all for naught. My position, if possible, has been eroded further, they are probably disgusted by my cowardly actions and all the times I begged for forgiveness. Don't they know… that I was just trying to keep peace?

I can't really remember what my life back then was, but I know that it was certainly better than the misery I am in now.

And now… all I have are my family, and the couple of people who have not rejected me. And even then, I fear that my relationship with my family is deteriorating. My parents and I have grown distant, but I don't know who is it that started the split in the first place. Perhaps it was me, in my younger and more ignorant days, thinking that I had all the time and company in the world. But now I know that it is not so… and I turn back to my family… I find that they have changed. They have moved on. I certainly cannot blame them for moving on, for people do change. All I can do now, is to hope that someday they will find it in them to integrate me into the family… again. Still, it is a bit harsh to kick me out of the house just for failing the entrance exams…

To all those who have no rejected me, all I can say it, thank you all, especially you, dear Shinobu for standing by me. I don't look for much in a friend, but you all have been that much and more. I can only hope that you all do not desert me before the end, and I hope it is not too much to ask for. But I won't object if you want to leave like the others… because… in the end… they all do. So to my remaining friends, thank you all for standing by me through all the years. To all those who have once been my friends… I also thank you, for lighting up my life, no matter how short out friendship may have been.

I fear I'm destined for loneliness, and to survive it I must again change. I have resolved… to be friendly to all who approach me, even though there may not be many, but never again open my heart. For I have realized something.

So what if I do? So what if I pour out my feelings? All my sadness, happiness, grief and joy. Its not as if anybody cares. Its not as if anybody will actually care about me anyway…

So the only way to survive in this cold, cold world is to be warm, but sheltered at the same time.

I want to laugh. Here I am, sitting in front of the mirror, thinking of what seems to the material for some soap opera. But it is the truth about my life. I don't mind if it seems stupid, because I simply wish for some understanding from somebody, even if that person is myself.

Maybe I should laugh. Ha…ha….

Life has dealt me an unfair hand. No, scratch that. I have dealt myself an unfair hand. And now, it is up to myself to make the best of what I have. To change myself, to improve myself… until someday…

…they will accept me.