Chapter 5 Regrets

Me, Happy? Of course I'm happy. I'm a perfectly happy man. And do you want to know the reason why I'm so happy? No regrets. I have no regrets about anything I have done in my life. Not even one. I have done things that most people would feel regret, but I don't have the slightest regret.

Yeah, Orochimaru was my best friend. Yeah, I got really pissed of when he left. So? It's not that I would cry for him. Why did I leave the Leaf to become a porno writer? Why not? It's a lot of fun. No, I didn't have any regrets because that asshole left the Leaf. We are better without him, really. Why do you insist on talking about him? That selfish idiot, if he had just... Bah! Whatever!

Jiraiya

Sasuke stepped out of the bathroom, with the towel around his waist. He sighed. Sakura was still there. She had stopped crying, but her eyes were still red because of the tears. A sting of guilt hit him again.

"Hi, Sasuke-kun" she murmured. She was still in the bed, perfectly covered by the blankets, something that he was very glad. But she was also holding the ripped remains of her clothes, and that was something he was not glad at all.

"Sakura, I'm sorry. It was my entire fault" said Sasuke.

"It wasn't..."

"Hai, it was. I'm sorry. I should have known that my body is not used to alcohol, and it wouldn't tolerate too much. Because of me the situation is like this. I am sorry I have caused you pain." That's one of the many reasons that I have to leave you. I only know how to cause pain.

"Sasuke-kun..."

"Anything I can do to make up for it, I'll do it. I'm sorry."

Sakura stayed silent for a few seconds.

"My clothes are..." she didn't need to finish her sentence

"It's OK. You can use any of mine."

"But... if anybody sees me with your clothes... All of them have your clan symbol"

Sasuke understood.

"I'll go to your house, and I'll get some clothes. I'll make sure nobody sees me. I'm a shinobi, after all" he tried a smile, and failed miserably.

"Hai, please."

And there was some silence between them. Both of them tried to say something, but they failed.

"Do you know where I live?"

"Hai" he answered. Sakura opened her mouth to say something else, but she closed it.

Finally, Sasuke left the room, and Sakura felt more alone than ever before.

She wondered if he was going to be back.

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Sasuke was not running as fast as he would like through the streets of the Leaf. He had to avoid the ANBU guards that were around.

He was surprised that there were still so many ANBU. According to his last information, with the number of dead and injured shinobi, the ANBU should be doing missions or gathering information about the Sound.

At least, that meant that the Four Sounds were not planning to kidnap him anytime soon. Even if they were stronger than him, they couldn't expect to take him down without a fight, one that would attract a lot of attention.

Still, they didn't need to do anything. Because after what happened, he was more decided than ever: He was leaving the Leaf. He was going to follow his one true path, and nothing would stop him. Not even her.

That kiss... that had been a mistake. He was feeling really unbalanced because everything that had happened. The alcohol was probably still in his system. Besides, he still had a headache, and...

His choice was done. The only choice he could make was leaving the Leaf for killing his brother.

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Sakura got up from the bed. Her underwear was not ripped, but the rest of her clothes were. She was still trembling, but she gathered enough bravery to search among Sasuke's clothes for something to wear, at least until she found something better.

She chose some shorts, but there was a problem with the t-shits: All of them had the Uchiha symbol embedded on them. Still, she would need to use one for the moment. At least Sasuke didn't have anybody living close to him. If anybody saw, they would think that they... and they would be right. They would be right! Kami-sama!

She felt reality sinking in, when she thought that it wouldn't matter what people would think if they saw her. The truth was worse.

She was confused. She already knew… she always had, that Sasuke hadn't raped her. He would never do that. He was incapable of hurting her. The problem was what had happened. They had done it. They had done it together, both of them. It was their first time, and they were too drunk to even remember it clearly.

If the concentrated hard enough, she could see it. She could see parts of it, of what they had done. The images were all very confusing, but at least something was clear. They had gotten drunk, and they had done it, in that room

She had secretly hoped that her first time would be with him, but she had also wanted that it were romantic. Not that mess.

She had to leave. She had to leave that room and clear her feelings. In a way it was funny. Half her life wishing to see what Sasuke's house was like, and as soon as she was inside, she wanted to get out.

She moved outside, and started looking for a room with other clothes, ones without the Uchiha Symbol. She found a kitchen, another bathroom, a small room... all of them were clean, tidy, spotless... and dead. Every time she looked at them, they looked like fake. As if somebody had built them, with everything that a normal house was supposed to have, but forgot something that was not in the manual, but all houses were supposed to have: Warmth. It appeared that nobody lived there. Everything was just too empty.

She entered a big room that had a matrimonial bed. However, everything else was missing. Clothes, personal items, paintings, pictures... and also, there was something wrong in that room. Like the air was heavy. Like there were a lot of unsolved feelings in that room... She had to leave immediately, because she couldn't breathe there. She didn't believe in ghosts, of course. She was a smart person. She didn't believe in dead things moving around but... it really felt like there were more people there. People that couldn't rest, or let other people rest.

The next room was worse. It was completely bare, and totally painted in black. When she entered, for a second she thought that she was not walking on earth anymore, but she had entered darkness itself. Somebody had painted that room with black paint, and that somebody had done a very methodical job. There wasn't a single place where there were anything but black: The darkest black. Also, there were a lot of feelings in that room, feelings as black as the walls.

She had to get out of that room. No, she had to leave the whole house. Now, before it killed her.

She opened the door to the house, and stepped out. She noticed she had been holding her breath since she entered the black room.

The small garden where she stepped out was carefully treated. There were no weeds, and the grass was perfectly trimmed. But that was the first garden she had seen of that size that didn't have a single flower. It was like the rest of the house, organized and devoid of life.

She looked back at the house, Sasuke's house. And it was a house, not a home. She could see the difference now, between, a house and a home after staying inside. It was too big. It was just too big, and Sasuke was alone inside.

She looked back to the door, and slowly took two steps closer, next three farther. The garden's walls were very low. She could jump then without any trouble. Also, it was still very early in the morning. If she left now, she could be back in her home, and it was a home, before anybody else found out. Maybe if she was careful enough, nobody would see her.

She didn't want to. She couldn't leave Sasuke alone in that house, because it would swallow him. She couldn't put into words what would happen, but the best explanation would be that it would swallow him alive. She had felt pity, when she had found out about Sasuke's life, a long time after she claimed to be in love with Sasuke: Less than a week ago. But now was not only pity. She was afraid for him, and she couldn't lie to herself either. Even after all that had happened, she still loved him. Hai, even after everything that had happened, she still loved him.

Also, that kiss... That had been... She wasn't sure yet.

Sakura went back to the door of the house. She entered, and she closed the door behind her. A thought appeared, while closing the door. She thought that maybe she would never get out.

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Entering in Sakura's house was almost too easy. The lock in the door was opened in ten seconds. He used fifteen seconds to check for traps, and only when he was satisfied, he took a real look around the house.

It was a nice house. No, nice was not the word. It should be... warm.

That house made him feel like an intruder. The house was made for living people. It was not reformed to optimize production and minimize the waste of time. There were flowers in the living room. There were some apples in the kitchen. There was a newspaper lying on the floor. Anybody could see that there were people living there, not using a house as a temporary refuge, like he was.

Sasuke smiled sadly. In another lifetime, it would be nice to live in a home like that. A place you would wish to return to, at the end of the day, but he didn't have time to waste thinking about what could be or what couldn't be. He was an avenger, and he was getting his revenge, one way or another.

Sasuke entered Sakura's room. He was welcomed for a huge picture of the three of them: Sakura smiling in the picture, like she always was; he was looking annoyed in the photo; Naruto was looking angrily at him; and finally, above them, Kakashi, standing proudly over them. He also had a copy of that picture, a framed one. There was also another picture: A picture of the three of them with the headbands covering one of their eyes, like Kakashi. It had been Naruto's idea. Sakura had agreed, and he had reluctantly agreed too.

He got closer to her wardrobe and started picking the needed clothes. He was amused that he was feeling uncomfortable looking through girl clothes, when he and the girl that those clothes belonged to, had been busy the whole night doing something that should make him far more uncomfortable.

Sasuke sighed, put the clothes in a bag, and opened the door to get out of the room... and closed the door again. He took another look at the room… a long, careful look. A shinobi always had to continuously gather information. A typical example was noticing somebody was a fake because the real Naruto was right-handed. There was a piece of information that almost without realizing, he had noticed, analyzed, and stored, for future use the other day.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we…"

"Shut up Naruto! We are almost there!" Sakura yelled

"Kakashi-sensei, I don't like this mission. If the girl wants to run away, why do we have to bring her back?"

"Well, she's underage, after all"

"Man, this sucks. We don't even know if the girl is in Hamu. We should have searched more. Maybe she had a diary. Hey, I want to write a diary"

To that he actually raised an eyebrow

"Are you an idiot? What kind of shinobi has a diary?" He said

Sakura had looked at him. Hai! Sakura had looked at him with a half-angry, half-guilty look. That meant that Sakura had a diary, and if both getting drunk hadn't been an accident but a plan, it had to be there. Naruto and Kakashi would never do a prank to her that big, and they would never hurt her. So, if there was a plan to get him drunk, it had to be Sakura's.

And it should be there. All of them had gone back to their homes to get a shower before going out to drink, and she had been both excited and surprised by his acceptance of going with them. Sakura was not the type to act harshly, she would have planned it. Hai, if she had really gotten him drunk, there was a chance it would in her diary.

Sasuke started the search for the diary with a fast, methodical way. He was feeling ashamed that he couldn't be sure about Sakura. He had once trusted somebody completely though. Since the night of the Red Moon, he had promised himself that he would never trust anybody again. He was already breaking most of his the sacred rules around Sakura and Naruto, but at that moment he had to make sure.

The diary was well concealed in a hidden compartment inside a drawer. It took him a lot of work to find it. Sasuke looked to the last entry.

"This is great, this is great! I am going out with Sasuke-kun. This is awesome! Maybe he likes me! Maybe that's the reason he wanted to go out with us. Everything will be like before! No, even better than before!"

Sasuke sighed. Well, he didn't even suspect anymore that she had planned it. He should be happy, although that meant that everything was his fault. No more excuses.

Just for the sake of it, he took a look to the entry before that. It was the first sentence grabbed his attention

"Today I almost got killed. It was about Sasuke and Naruto again. The both of them are so alone, especially Sasuke. But instead of admitting it, they have to solve everything by hitting each other"

Sasuke was surprised by that paragraph. It was probably written after his fight with Naruto… and it was wrong. He wasn't alone. Well, he was, but the reason that he wanted to beat the shit out of Naruto wasn't because he felt alone. At least he didn't think that.

He looked at the next paragraph.

"I love Sasuke-kun so much. He is so alone. I want to be with him. I want to be with him forever. Today Lee-kun asked me why I loved Sasuke-kun so much when he is always giving me the cold shoulder"

Sasuke thought that he should beat Lee before leaving. Besides, he wanted to finish his fight. Then he wondered why was so angry with Lee, when what he had said was true. Next he wondered when he had started to care about what other people thought.

"He can't understand. When I am with him, I am happy. This is not just a childish crush. I really, really love him. All the hours I am with him, feel like the best hours in my life, the most fulfilling, the happiest... My heart beats whenever he is around"

Sasuke stopped reading. He closed his eyes for a second. He wanted to stop reading. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, because he wasn't looking for information anymore, but, but... The whole diary was probably full of supposed reasons that he loved him. He shouldn't feel so many emotions. But...

"I can see the pain he holds inside He has caged all the feelings he could have inside a wall. All he wants is to kill his brother, and for that he has put away his feelings. What he sees as weakness, inside those walls… but that is wrong. He won't find an answer to his pain that way. I want to break those walls"

Sasuke put down the diary. It was everything he could do to not throw it away. What did she know? What did she know, when she had a family that loved her? She probably didn't even have nightmares. When she didn't have dead people that were screaming at her, calling her a coward, what the hell did she know? When she didn't have a mass-murderer of a brother, her only family left, that she had to kill, WHAT THE HELL DID SHE KNOW?

"I still want to reach out to him. I want to tell him that it's all right. That everything will be all right. That he doesn't need to be afraid of being close to people. He is empty, but I want to fill him with myself. I can't avoid thinking about him when I am not with him. When I am with Sasuke, I can see that he cares for me. That he feels something for me, even if he will never admit it himself. The way he watches me with an expression or sadness when he thinks I am not looking at him..."

Sasuke stopped reading, for two reasons. The first one was that he was reading deep into Sakura's private thoughts, and he didn't want to. There was something called privacy. The second one was that for the first time in the last four years, he was feeling something in his eyes that wanted to get out. He was feeling a weird need to cry. Hearing Sakura's talking was one thing. He could just concentrate about his need to kill his brother, and think of her as annoying. However, now it was... it was... it was nic...

"SHIT!" He yelled aloud for the first time. He covered his mouth, cursing himself. That had been close. If he slipped again, he would start thinking dangerous thoughts, like how nice was the Leaf, how peaceful would be forgetting his revenge, or how much he appreciated everybody in Team 7. Yes, even that idiot.

He couldn't though. He had somebody he had to kill. There were many corpses that wanted to rest. There was a lot of pain that wanted to be forgotten, once the one that produced it was dead.

He put the diary back where it was, and started moving to the window, when he thought about something. At first, he was thinking that she was kind of silly having a diary. No kunoichi should have a diary. It was dangerous. Nobody in his family had a diary. A year after the death of all of them, he had gathered all their belongings and he had burned them, and he hadn't found a single diary.

Then, another thought, related to his last thoughts, appeared on his mind.

He stopped. He had been scared when in the fight against Zabuza. He had been very scared in the fight against Orochimaru. He had been terrified in the fight against his brother, although he had been numb because he hadn't been able to believe that his brother would hurt him.

But now, it was worse. Every single part of him wanted to scream in fear. He wanted to fight against ten Orochimarus and fifteen Zabuzas. Right now, even Itachi would be better than what he was thinking.

"Shit!" He said. This time he didn't even bother with covering his mouth.

He looked back to the drawer with the diary, but he was too afraid of touching it again.

He had to go back to his house, and soon, because according to the statistics about his bad luck, he was sure that one of the worst days in his life was getting even worse.

Far worse.