A/N: Why I love not having to school till two hours later than usual sometimes: More time to write. :-P Anyway, for the record: The chapters are going to be split up into two parts; past and present. i.e. The first half of the chapter deals with what happened to Suze—what she went through, how she ended up that way, basically everything she can't currently verbalize to Jesse. The second is, like I said, the present, with Suze in the hospital and Jesse trying to bring her out of her… whatever you want to call how she was in the Prologue. (I don't have a decent word for it. Lol)

It gets violent in places (hence why the story's rated T). It deals with what is apparently my favorite thing to write about in Mediator fanfiction (XD If you've read some of my other stories, you will recognize it when it shows up.) It's not an entirely happy story… but it ends well, and it's got a bit of romance going on, though even I'm not sure if it's strictly S/J, and I'm the one writing it. O.o And it feels really wrong, because I have a thing about canon pairings… hehe. Ah, well. Hopefully y'all will like it, despite my misgivings.

And to add more to this ridiculously long Author's Note: To answer a question from my reviews—my favorite bean is actually a chocolate covered coffee bean, because everything is better with chocolate (and probably cheese, too, though I've yet to be brave enough to attempt to try out that theory.) Yes, I know, that question was a joke, but I can't answer the rest without giving anything away.

And I'll make it easy on y'all and actually mark "Past" and "Present." See? I'm being nice. Don't get used to it, I'm looking forward to cliffhangers. And I'm not really being that nice, because I switch between first and third person. Constantly. Though, if Suze is narrating, it's first ('cause I just can't write Suze in third… lol) and anyone else is in third. Confused? Yeah, I figured as much.

Chapter 1

Past:

1 year ago…

He was going to break up with me.

He didn't actually tell me that when he called to ask me to come over for dinner that night, of course. Knowing Jesse, he'd want to do it as gently as possible—I mean, we'd been together for all of four years now, I could hardly expect him to just break it off over the phone or something.

How did I know he was going to break up with me? He'd been avoiding me for awhile now. At first, I didn't think it was that strange. I mean, he's finally getting through his last year of medical school, so he has a lot of studying to do, and then there's his job at the Historical Society which allows him to pay for medical school…

But before he'd always been able to fit time in for me. Even if it was only for an hour during the day when neither of us happened to have a class, and all we really had time to do was sit and talk or grab some coffee, at least it was something, and at least we were together.

But that had changed recently. When I called him to see if he wanted to do something that night—or that weekend—he was always busy, studying or working (or sometimes both.) The last time I'd seen him in person before he called me to ask me to dinner was one day when I went to visit Father Dominic and he happened to be just on his way out.

CeeCee tries to tell me that I'm just jumping to conclusions, that there's no way Jesse would want to break up with me. "He's probably just got a lot of stuff on his plate right now. He's probably trying to save up as much money he can for once he finishes med school."

She was probably right, at least in part. But I still couldn't let go of my doubts, and the more time that went by, the more I started to wonder if maybe Jesse wasn't as enthused about our relationship as I'd thought.

I didn't think he was cheating on me or anything. I trusted Jesse way too much to think that. But what if he'd decided that it wasn't working out? What if he decided he didn't feel the same way about me anymore?

I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, staring at my reflection resolutely. I wouldn't cry when he told me, I informed myself. I'd be mature about it, and try to understand his side of things, and not try to con him into staying when he didn't want to—just like Father Dom used to always tell me when Jesse was still a ghost.

That lasted about as long as the car ride from my apartment to Jesse's. All the way there, all I could think about was everything that we'd gone through—from when we first met, to when he'd come back to life, to all the memories we'd made in the years since then—and the tears just started coming. By the time I pulled into the parking lot of Jesse's apartment complex, I could hardly see through my tears. I'm not even sure how I got there without getting into an accident, that's how bad it was.

I sat out there, crying in my car, not ready to face Jesse. Maybe if I never showed up, I thought numbly, he wouldn't have the chance to break up with me.

That idea, of course, didn't last long, because as I was sitting there thinking that—a good half hour after I was supposed to show up—my cell phone rang.

"Susannah?" came Jesse's worried voice. "Is everything all right?"

I tried to calm myself down enough to answer. I took several deep breaths before answering, "Jesse, I'm really sorry. I'll be there in a couple minutes, okay?"

There was a pause. "Are you all right, querida?"

Something tightened in my chest at the mention of that word. Oh, God. "Fine. Everything's fine. I'll be up in a couple minutes."

After I hung up, I went to work trying to fix my makeup—thank God for waterproof mascara—and making myself look as normal as possible.

When I finally got up to Jesse's apartment, he swung open the door, looking worried. I tried to smile, but I don't think it really came out right.

"I'm really sorry for being so late," I said, leaning up to kiss him on the cheek. "Did I totally ruin dinner?"

Yeah, Jesse learned how to cook. Andy taught him a little—though, he still hadn't managed to master more than spaghetti and meatballs.

"No, it's fine," Jesse said, furrowing his brow. "I meant to talk to you about something before dinner, but…"

I didn't really let him finish his sentence. I didn't want to know just then what he'd wanted to talk to me about.

We got through the salad—which I had to help with; Jesse can apparently boil pasta, but he can't toss a salad, for some reason. Men—and halfway through the spaghetti before Jesse cleared his throat and said, "Susannah…"

I nearly dropped my fork. Oh, God. This was where it was coming. I cut him off before he could even begin; "Jesse, look, I know why you've been working so hard lately."

Jesse blinked at me, looking surprised. "You do?"

I nodded. "Yeah. And look, I know that things can't always be great—"

Jesse continued to stare at me. "Susannah…"

"—But really, you know, all couples probably go through that, and nothing bad happens with them—"

Jesse started to smile a little. Why was he smiling? Couldn't he see how much this was killing me? "Susannah…"

"—I mean, if you just think about it for a minute, I'm sure you'll—"

"Susannah!" Jesse reached his hand across the table, but I was too preoccupied to pay any attention to it. His arm, I mean.

"What?" I croaked. That's when I happened to look down at his outstretched hand—or, more importantly, what was in it. A tiny little velvet box with a… "Oh, my God."

Jesse smiled at me and reached into the box to pull out the ring that sitting in it. "Susannah, will you marry me?"

A/N: You know, the last time I had them get married, I had Suze propose… I must be getting more old-fashioned with age… -is only 17-

Present:

"Jesse," a voice broke through his revelry. "Jesse." A hand shook his shoulder. "Yo, Jesse!"

Jesse blinked, finally focusing in on the face of the person who had just interrupted his thoughts—Joe, his best friend and fellow doctor.

Joe shook his head at him. "Sitting by her bedside all night long and losing sleep isn't going to help anyone, my friend." Joe shot a glance at Susannah's sleeping form in the hospital bed. "It's after midnight, you should head home."

"I'm not tired," Jesse protested, shaking his head, not taking his gaze off of Susannah.

Joe made a derisive sound. "Please. You've barely gotten any sleep at all over the past few weeks. You'll be dead on your feet tomorrow if you don't go home now." He helped Jesse out of his chair. "Come on, she'll still be here when you get back—in an hour or two, however long I can con you into staying away for."

Jesse didn't crack a smile—he rarely found reason to these days. Not while Susannah was laying there, trapped somewhere in her thoughts and memories where he couldn't get to her. "She should be at home," he said quietly.

"Could you take care of her there?"

"I could do a better job of taking care of her at home than I could in the Psychiatric Ward," Jesse muttered. He glanced at Joe. "She doesn't need a psychiatrist—she needs her husband."

Joe couldn't really argue with him on that front; he rather agreed with him. He shrugged. "Take it up with the shrink—what's his name? Dr. Davis?" At Jesse's nod, he continued, "Talk to him about it. He'll let her go if you're convincing enough." Joe glanced down at Susannah again. "There's nothing physically wrong with her now, at least."

Jesse didn't respond, though Joe didn't really expect him to. He tried to sound lighthearted as he said, "Hey, come on, let's get out of here." When Jesse still didn't move, he added, "Come on, man, you owe me, remember?"

"How?"

"Remember that time in BioChemistry when you were so spaced out from lack of sleep that you nearly fell over in the middle of an experiment? If it weren't for me, you would've landed face first in the Bunsen burner." He patted his shoulder. "Come on, do me a favor and go home and get some rest, all right?" He grinned. "Just imagine what sorts of things you might end up falling face first in this time."

Jesse finally laughed. "All right, all right. I'll go home. I suppose Trish or someone will call me if anything happens."

Joe rolled his eyes. "Trish left a half hour ago. She tried coming in here to get you then, but you were so out of it she couldn't get a response from you."

Smiling a little now, Jesse shrugged. Before he and Joe left, he went to the bed and leaned down to kiss Susannah's forehead. "I'll be back in the morning, querida," he whispered, though he knew she couldn't hear him. He reluctantly drew away and left her sleeping there, in the hospital bed.

A/N: Meh. Not sure how I feel about this chapter. Ah, well. It's long, and it helps to lead into the rest of it, I guess.