Fire Emblem 7, the Parody

Chapter 02: Sword of Spirits

Yoshimo: We apologize for the fool-hardy idea that the answering reviews segment was a good idea for this fic. We will make note not to use it again. Please do not judge this parody because of it.

Chibi-Zell: I told you that was a bad idea. Why is it you never listen to me when it matters?

Yoshimo: Oh shut up.

A small altar lies on the outskirts of Bulger. This ancient temple, sacred to the people of Sacae, has long been known for it's powerful bond to the world of spirits. And don't forget to drop by on Potluck Tuesdays. Those priests sure know how to cook.

Before beginning their journey, our travelers come to this temple to pray for their well being, and get some of that tasty, holy hand-made food. Now them's good eatin'. ahem If we couldn't already guess, Lyn's life would take another turn, as her hand would be led to a grand inheritance.
"So, you want us to take a break, because of a sacred sword that lies in this here shrine?" Cecil asked.

Lyn nodded.

"And you wish to pray here because of your Sacae background?" Kent continued.

"Exactly right."

"What's in it for us?" Sain asked, eyebrow raised.

"Do the words: Potluck Tuesday mean anything to you?"

"Sold!" both Cecil and Sain cheered.

"Oy..." Kent sighed.
Meanwhile, in said temple, a group of ruffians had burst in. The one with the sword stepped forward, standing face to face with the old priest. "Okay, old man!" he barked. "Hold your tongue and stay where you are!"

"Eh? Wh...whazat?" the old man asked.

"I said Hold your tongue and stay where you are!"

"What was that?"

"HOLD YOUR TONGUE AND STAY WHERE YOU ARE!"

"No need to holler, sir, for I hear just fine."

"Than give me the Mani Katti!" the swordsman shouted.

"The manicotti? You want our noodles? ...Well, it's Potluck Tuesday, so if you mind waiting in line with the other people who will be arriving soon..."

"THE MANI KATTI, THE MANI KATTI! MAN-A KA-TEA!"

"Oooooh" The old man grinned. He then frowned. "Oh. No way, you! You're not getting it! It is a sacred blade under divine protection, so nya!"

"What good is a sword if you don't use it?" the swordsman growled, before spitting on the sacred carpet.

"Use it? In combat? Sacrilege!"

"Sacrilege? That's like getting a fork but eating with your hands! My name is Glass! My swordplay is peerless, and the gods fear my name!"

"If that's so, why do you have a generic sprite."

"I...just....SHUT UP! If I want this sword, this sword I shall have! Now out of my way!"

--Shove--

--Thud--

"Oooh, my brittle old man hip..."

Glass grinned, and approached the Mani Katti, grinning. "It's more magnificent than I imagined! A sword this swordy belongs to a swordsman of my swordity skills."

As you can see, Glass had a one track mind.

"Now, I'll just wrap my hand around the hilt, and pull it out, and I'll be home by five." He started pulling. "Yes...just...one quick pull and...ehe...maybe home by six...neeeeARGH!" He fell over from exhaustion, but the Mani Katti stayed in it's place.

"The spirits of the blade have judged you" the old priest informed, "and have found you wanting. Better luck next reincarnation, buddy."

"... ...grrrr" Glass growled, drawing forth his sword.

"Meep" the old man squeaked, before hiding himself in the broom closet.

"Stupid spirits" Glass spat. "I'll tear this altar down stone by STONE I'm so pissed right now!"

Now, a woman in her late 30s overheard all this, and ran for help.
Lyn blinked, as a woman rushed towards them. "I beg your pardon, m'lady. You wouldn't happen to be going to the altar to the east, would you?"

"Yeah, what of it?" Lyn asked.

"I see where this is going" Cecil muttered.

"Then you must hurry and help the priest there!"

"I knew it..."

"I saw a band of local ruffians head there not too long ago. They seemed set on stealing the sacred sword!"

"They're going to steal the Mani Katti!?" Lyn nearly lost it. "Over my dead body!"

"So, what's the plan, chief?" Kent asked. "...chief?"

Cecil returned for the group of houses nearby. "Okay, I asked around. There's a broken bit of wall near the front of the temple. We break through that, we should get by those bandits no problem. And to make absolute certain we're in the clear, we'll need a distraction. But who..."

All three looked at Cecil.

"...What?"
"You guys suck, do you hear me? SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK!"

Cecil was busy running for his life as the axemen chased him everywhere. "Just keep 'em busy" Lyn shouted over the noise of Sain and Kent's lances driving into the temple wall.

Soon, the wall came tumbling down, a path way opened to Glass. Sain rode in.

"You dare challenge me?" Glass asked. "What chance do you think you have against my powers of uber swordplay? You cannot survive the awesome-ness of my swordity attack."

As I said, one track mind.

"Time to die, bandit boy!" Sain laughed, pulling his spear back. He let out a grunt, before he thrust it forward, knocking the sword out of Glass' hand.

Lyn leapt into the fray, sword unsheathed. She slashed across Glass' chest, before Sain made another thrust, landing a killing blow.

"You...you...urr...urgh...sword" Glass moaned, before keeling over.

The broom closet door clicked open. The old man stepped out, and stared hard at Lyn. "Your clothing...you are of the Lorca Tribe, yes?"

"I'm the chieftain's daughter" Lyn informed. "You okay, sir?"

"Thanks to you, I'm perfectly..." the old man took a few more steps forward, before slipping.

--CRACK--

"...Ooooh! My brittle old man hip!"

"And the sword" Sain asked, almost not seeming to care. "Is it all right?"

"Yes, I have sealed it safely away mister centaur" the priest nodded.

"...Right, I'll just go check on Cecil now.." Sain rode out.

"Until I remove the spell, the sword cannot be drawn. Now, as a token of my gratitude..."

"You're going to give me the offerings of gold the people tend to give you?" Lyn asked, hands clapped together, and grinning.

"You may touch the Mani Katti."

"...That's it? We risk our necks and all I get is a chance to TOUCH the sword!?"

"Not just any sword. It's a SACRED sword!" the priest grinned.

"Scrooge..." Lyn grumbled, before wrapping her hand around the hilt. She suddenly remembered why she was here in the first place, and gave a prayer.

There was a flicker of light from the scabbard. "Hm?" the old priested hmmed.

There was a flash of light. "The sword!" Lyn yelped. "Its...glowing!"

"It must be the power of your soul.." The priest pondered. "The spirits have looked into your heart, and are calling out to you."

"Meaning...?"

"You are the destined owner of the sword. You are the one to wield the Mani Katti."

"..." Lyn just stared.

"It's the sword's wish" the priest explained. "If you want proof, dr--"

"WHOO!" Lyn cheered, dancing around. "I got the Mani Katti! I got the Mani Katti!" she sang.

"...draw the sword..." the priest finished.

Lyn nodded, and pulled it out. "It came out effortlessly" she grinned.

"Never thought I'd see the wielder of the Mani Katti in my life. I am indeed fortunate to see the sword reach your hands."

"Not as fortunate as me, 'cause I got the sword to end all swords!"

"...Well, I wouldn't go that far...But yes, it is pretty dern powerful. It is time for you to go. You have many ordeals to face, Lyn. Take your sword, and face your destiny head on."

"You got it!" Lyn cheered, before heading outside. There she saw Cecil, cuts all over his cape and tunic, panting. A long, silver staff was held in his hands in a death grip.

"Thanks a lot, Lyn" he moaned. "Leaving me to deal with those axemen by myself!"

Lyn grinned. "But you beat them, right?"

Cecil smirked. "So?"

"So that means you're a pretty good fighter" Lyn pointed out.

"Heh. I suppose that's true."

Sain looked at the sword in Lyn's hand. "So, that's the Mani Katti. The blade without an equal" he whistled in awe.

"It's kinda weird that the most famous sword of the Sacae would be in my hand" Lyn said with a nervous chuckle.

"Not so" Kent shook his head. "Many other legends speak the same. Special weapons calling out to their destined owners." He got off his horse, and walked over to Lyn. "If I may..." he said, holding his hand forward.

Lyn nodded, and placed the Mani Katti in Kent's hand.

--THUD--

"For a katana..." Kent grunted, trying to pry his hand out from under the hilt. "It's pretty heavy..."

"No it's not" Lyn said. She took the sword. "See? It's as light as a feather."

"See? More proof" Sain pointed out. "Kent can't use it, and I'm as sure as hell neither I nor Cecil can either."

"A sword only I can use..." Lyn breathed. She grinned, sheathed it, and gave it a hug. "I'll treasure it forever!"

"...So...when's Putluck Lunch?" Cecil asked.

"In about an hour" Lyn pointed out.

Cecil's stomach rumbled. "An hour better pass quickly. I'm DYIN' here!"
Meanwhile, in Castle Caelin, bad things were happening.

"How did you know it was that bad?" asked a soldier by the gates.

Becaue I heard the ominous music.

A man with long, silvery hair, purple armor, and a silver cape, bolted from his throne. "What!? The daughter of Madelyn still lives!?" he demanded.

"Y..yes Lord Lundgren" the soldier bowed. "The girl is under the protection of Sain and Kent. If we let them be..."

"Bah. Northern Bern is said to be full of bandits. She is but a little girl. She'll never survive." Lundgren sat back down. "What I am concerned with is my older brother. His life must be ended quickly. There must be no problems with plan PTBTH." He said that last part with a rasberry.

"Plan PTBTH, sir?" the soldier asked, rasberrying himself.

"Poision That Bastard To Hell" Lundgren explained.

"Oh. That plan. Yeah, he's still clueless to it and continues to drink it. The marquess' death, due to...sudden illness" he said with quotation marks, "is not far off."

"Than how come he looks as perky as that old fart can get?" the purple armored general asked.

"Erm...beats me. Maybe he's got an iron cast stomach?"

"Go check on the poison downstairs."

The soldier nodded, stood up, and left the throne room.

"(Say, why does the noble's brother always want to bump him off and take the throne for himself?)" asked one of the doorway guards.

"(I dunno. Maybe it's in the job description.)"
The soldier went downstairs, and into the castle's secret laboratory that Lundgren had erected a few years ago for just such an emergency. Another soldier was busy with a vial of a light green liquid.

"Hey, why isn't the poison killing off the marquess like it should be?" the one who spoke to Lundgren asked.

"Beats me" said the other. "Maybe he has an..."

"Oh, give me that!" the first one shouted, before coming down the rest of the stairs and taking the vial. He looked it over, sniffed it, and even drank it. He liked his lips, before putting it down. "You idiot! This isn't poison! It's Mountain Dew!"

"Erm...oops?"

SLAP

"Now get the poison. POISON!"

"Yes sir..."