Reverence

by ktshdw

The events that follow Shinzon’s mental rape to Deanna not once but twice within a matter of a few short days.

Title: Reverence

By: ktshdw

Rated: T

Codes: R/T

Timeline: Post Nemesis

©2005

Author's Note: This is a very dark piece lately I tend to write on what I feel. These last few weeks have been quite disturbing to me. I hope I don't get too carried away but if it happens I will change the rating to "MA" instead of "T." Don't forget read and review.

Summery: The events that follow Shinzon's mental rape to Deanna not once but twice within a matter of a few short days.

Reverence

His cold hands caressed her body causing a whimper to escaped pursed lips. It couldn't be real it just wasn't real, but the touches seemed so real. "Why did this happen to her" she wondered as she looked into the endless universe. The memory caused chills to run though her body she shuddered wrapping her arms around her body in protection. She glanced over at the sleeping form in her bed. There was such distance now she didn't feel anything for him not the way she used to she wasn't sure if it was because of the latest events that made them keep such distance. She felt so dirty, so unclean, she often wondered if she in some way provoked Shinzon from thinking that what he was doing was due to her unhappiness. But she wasn't unhappy the day she married Will was the happiest day in her life. It had been such a long time they both held their feeling for one another but some way, some how, a simple twist of fate re-opened their passion for each other. She was overwhelmed with happiness and this had to happen. She continued to ask why it was her but the answer remained, there was no reason he just did it for control. Now she has to live with this terrible event as the memory remained imprinted in her mind forever. She felt guilty unable to forget what Shinzon had done as she and Will would make love. So many times she had to stop their closeness because Shinzon was there he was always there.

The covers on their bed moved softly as Will awoke only to see his wife at the window. Deanna continued to look into the galaxy as Will bowed his head. She was so different, she was always afraid of their togetherness. He tried to talk to her about it but just when they were ready to make a breakthrough she would bring her wall back up. Closing her feelings and her thoughts from him, something she had never done before. He knew she was hurting he didn't need their Imzadi link to know what she was feeling. She was deeply hurt and he couldn't do anything about it but leave her to sort her own feelings out by herself. He himself had his own issues lingering from his capture and torture on Tezwa. With Deanna the way she is now he had no one to speak to so he too would work out his feeling in his own way. He would give anything to have her back the way she was before the rape. He knew that when someonewas violated the way Deanna was there was a period of recovery and though it had happened so many weeks ago Deanna wasn't getting any better and he knew that. If she would just talk to him about what happened and he could talk to her about what happened with him their relationship would get better. If only this never happened he thought as he watched his wife wipe the tears from her eyes hiding her pain from him.

"Deanna, you alright?"

Deanna turned away from the window as the stars zoomed behind her. Though most of her tears were dry a few still dampened her cheeks. She forced a smile to hide the pain she was feeling. She didn't want him to know what she was feeling he had his own problems to deal with she didn't want to give him hers.

"Yes, I'm fine just couldn't sleep."

Will could tell she was hurting even with the darkened room. The pain in her voice was the only thing that Will could understand. Right now the only thing he wanted to do was take her in his arms and hold her though the night. He gestured her to come over to the bed next to him. Though she hesitated she did it. Will pulled a nearby throw off the bed and wrapped his wife in its warmth. If he couldn't hold her to keep her warm himself he knew that the throw would.

"Would you want to talk about it?"

It was a pointless question and Will knew that but he did want her to know that he was there for her when she needed him like he had always been. Deanna looked into his eyes and try as she might the tears fell to her cheeks.

"It's nothing that I can't handle myself. I just need to be left alone. I do love you more then anything Will but this is something I have to deal with myself. There is nothing left for you to do for me."

Will was hurt by her words but didn't allow them to bother him. She had just gone through something terrible and when she was ready she would talk to him. It may take forever but if that's what it takes he will wait for her.

"Do you want me to go into the spare bedroom?"

Will asked though pained words. To his surprise Deanna nodded her head. She could feel that he was hurt by her words but what she had to do she needed time to herself. Will pulled the blanket closer around her shoulder, he tried to kiss her but she turned her head away from him. That one reaction nearly killed him but perhaps the space will cause her to finally open up to him.

"I love you Deanna, I always will love you."

Will said as he exited their sleeping quarters. He turned to take one last glimpse of his wife. She was still wrapped in the throw Will gave her as she lowered her face into his hands and quietly shed a river of tears muting the sound coming from her gasps. Will turned the rest of the way around as he heard her reveal her sadness. He took a step forward he wanted to comfort her but stopped himself. His own cheeks began to dampen with tears as he saw his wife cry into her hands. There was once a time that all he had to do was hold her and she would stop crying but now nothing could help her even he couldn't help her. She was so lost to him since Shinzon. Will turned again and walked into the spare room still hearing Deanna cry.

The next morning Will awoke again to the sound of soft footfalls crossing their living quarters. He pulled the covers from his body and walked to see Deanna already dressed for work. He let out a soft sigh and entered their living room.

"Did you sleep any last night?"

"A little, you?"

"It's difficult sleeping in the spare room while my wife slept in our room herself. I missed you terribly are you feeling better?"

Deanna nodded and placed her breakfast plate in the recycle bin. The food was barely touched though she told Will she was feeling better he knew she wasn't. She still had her barriers up and he couldn't feel what she was feeling.

"Have an early appointment?"

Deanna nodded placed her com-badge and pips on her uniform without saying a word and walked to the door.

"I love you Deanna."

Will called to her as the doors swished behind her. She turned to face him and nodded her head slightly and continued to her office. Will wouldn't let her behavior bother him and he continued to get himself ready for work. There was still so much to say if only she would listen and open up to him.

Meanwhile inside Deanna's office Alyssa's son, Noah, sat in a chair next to Deanna. Since his father's death at the hands of the Dominion War he would visit Deanna once a week and talk about what he was feeling. Though it took some time at the beginning to talk to her about his father's death after a few appointments he began to open up. Deanna put her own feelings aside and opened her barriers to speak with him. Though she was deeply hurting she hid her feelings underneath her professional smile.

"Could I ask you something?

"Sure"

"Are you okay?"

Deanna shifted uncomfortably in her seat as Noah looked deeply into her eyes. It was the first time in a long time that one of her patients would ask her if she was okay. Unconsciously she reached for her face looking for tears. There wasn't any she was surprised that Noah could tellsomething was wrong.

"Whatever do you mean Noah? I'm fine I'm just a bit tired."

Noah shook his head in disbelief he may have only been eight years old but he knew when something was wrong.

"Now I know something is wrong. You are acting just like my mom did when my dad died. Did someone die that was close to you?"

Again Deanna was taken aback from Noah response. She could feel the young boy's concern fill her mind. She herself was touched by the child's concern.

"No Noah, no one has died. It's really nothing its just there are a lot of things going on and it's just starting to take its toll on me. Do you remember when your father passed away?"

"Yes."

"Well it's a little like that. There is something that is making me sad but it isn't because someone has passed away."

"Then what is it?"

"It's personal and I don't think it would help you out if we continue to talk about me. We are supposed to talk about you remember this is your session."

"I understand."

The hour passed and though most of it Noah and she were discussing his feelings about the death of his father. Though his words and concern remained in her thoughts she didn't let that disturb her from what she was supposed to be doing. Deanna walked Alyssa and Noah out of her office and with a smile Noah turned to her to say…

"Don't worry everything will be okay."

With a soft smiled she stepped back into her office. Noah was a bright child for his age and though he was only eight he had the knowledge and the experience that Deanna had herself. Maybe it was time to speak to Will about what she was feeling since Shinzon's rape. Deanna couldn't believe that Noah had given her the strength to finally talk to Will about what had happened to her.

Later that evening Deanna came home to find Will in the kitchen making some dinner for them. Though Deanna wasn't very hungry she was happy that he was making dinner for the both of them. It had been a long time since they sat down and shared a meal together. After the incident with Shinzon's Deanna buried herself in her work and Will did his best to give her the space she needed.

"Hi Deanna are you hungry? I made some dinner for both of us. I wasn't sure if you were ready to sit down at the table with me yet so I didn't set the table. I wanted to wait and see if you wanted to share a meal. It's been a long time since we had a night together. Now if you don't want me too I can just go and eat somewhere else. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"No really Will, its okay. Besides we need to talk and if we aren't in the same room it will be difficult to communicate and we both know that the key to a good marriage is communication. We both know that since Shinzon we haven't really communicated the way we used to."

Will was delighted that she finally wanted to talk about what happened to her. They sat down and ate their dinner together. After the table was cleared Will and Deanna sat in the living room and for the first time in months….he held Deanna in his arms. Her head rested softly against his chest. He took in the scent of her shampoo and for a moment there was silence.

"And this made you want to talk to me about what happened with Shinzon?"

"I'm so sorry about the way I've been treating you lately Will."

"It's okay I've known you for a very long time Deanna. I knew that when you were ready you would speak with me. So how are you doing?"

Deanna and Will got more comfortable on the couch as they lay down next to one another. Will wrapped his loving arms around her. For the first time in a long time she didn't pull them away from her. Instead she took his hand and wrapped it in his. There was a long silence before Deanna spoke again and Will didn't want to push her to express her feelings.

"That day we were making love meant so much to me. I knew we had made love before that day but for some reason that night seemed like the first time. I suppose it could have been because it was our wedding night but I don't know it was like the first day we became Imzadi. It was so special, so warm, so wonderful when Shinzon raped me it ruined everything. I know it wasn't real but it seemed so real. Your caresses became his caresses, your kiss became his kiss and your touch became his touch. I felt so used, he even said Imzadi to me, and you know how special that word is to betazoids. When I heard it come out of his mouth I lost the true meaning of it. I pushed you away because I felt so dirty that his rape was my fault."

Tears fell from her eyes as Will held her closer to him. He could feel the dampness on his uniform but he didn't care all he wanted was to comfort his wife and help ease the pain she was experiencing from the assault. All the pain had been building for months and though she cried every night she wasn't feeling any better. Will sat up and pulled Deanna into an embrace.

"It wasn't your fault Deanna. What he did to you was wrong and no one should be abused it that way. You have to understand that and you NEVER ask for something like this to happen to you NEVER. You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened to you. It was wrong for Shinzon torape youand I know he had no regrets. What he did was for control you didn't ask for him todo ityou need to stop thinking that."

Will placed his hands on her face and lifted it to his eyes. He wiped the stream of tears that were falling with tender strokes. Deanna backed quickly away from him still feeling the fear she had with Shinzon. Though it did bother him he didn't let that stop him from supporting his wife.

"I'm sorry Will I didn't mean that. I just…"

Will placed his index finger across her lips stopping her words.

"I know Imzadi…I know."

"I feel so unclean, that's why I haven't been with you for so long. I know it has been hard on you but I am trying to deal with this still. But every time we start to make love when you look at me I see Shinzon. I try to push his memory aside and only concentrate on you but I can't its too hard."

"Imzadi…Shinzon is dead he isn't coming back."

"I know that…I just…I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe you would be happier with someone else."

"Deanna No! I don't want anyone else I want you I only ever wanted you. You are my past and you are my future now and forever."

"Do you mean that Will?"

"More then anything, I know you have a lot to recover from and you need help to come to terms with what happened to you. But I will not let you go though this alone; I'll be here through the very worse because I promised that I would be here for you in sickness and in health. This is a very difficult time for you and I will be here to support you to the very end."

Deanna smiled for the first time in a long timeat Will. He took her into his strong arms and embraced her.

"Do you think I can every get back to normal after what happened to me? That the fear I have when making love will soon pass?"

"I know we will when you get the help you need."

They kissed each other passionately Will knew it would take time but he also knew that even though what Shinzon did to her was unethical he was going to love her more then anything. He always had and he always will because she is his wife and they were going to be together for a long time.

The End