Fire Emblem 7, the Parody

Chapter 7 Gaiden: The Black Fang

"Are you sure that they'll be coming here?" asked a medium sized woman with short, blue hair, earrings, and a purple, battle gown.

"Of course, my lady" said the swordsman. "Master Kozo gives me his word. Those two brats will be coming back with us shortly."

"Alright" the blue haired woman sneered. "I'm coming back tomorrow at dawn. If I don't see those kids, I'll punish you to the full extent of the Black Fang law."

The swordsman gulped. "Of course..." he stuttered.

The blue haired woman nodded, before leaving the fortress which made up the Black Fang outpost. She mounted her horse, and rode off.

The swordsman looked over at Kozo, who appeared from the shadows. "You ARE positive they're comming here, right?" he asked.

"Relax" Kozo laughed, holding up a small, obsidian ring. "The girl will be wanting this back. I'm sure Lyn and Cecil and the others will be coming any minute now."

"Master Kozo! Commander Beyard! I'm sensing movement from the north! It's that nomad girl!" declared one of the shamans.

"See, speak of the devil…" Kozo grinned.

"And that underhanded tactician of her's as well!"

"Make that devils… Are the kids with them?"

"Yes, sir"

"And you doubted me, Beyard…" Kozo turned to the swordsman, shaking his head, and re-pocketing the ring.

"Alright, you louts!" Beyard bellowed. "Spread out! And make sure they fall to our hand!"

"And spare those kids!" Kozo added in. "Anybody who doesn't will be fully punished... (By order of that bitch Sonia. I wonder what she want's with those brats? Hmm...)"

The team came to a stop outside the fortress. "Are you really going to get the ring back?" Nils asked, tilting his head.

Lyn nodded. "We promised you that."

"But this is their stronghold! They're bound to be well defended, let alone well armed!"

"Please, forget about the ring..." Ninian squeaked. "It's okay..."

"Don't think I didn't take it into consideration, you two" Cecil smirked. "You seriously underestimate our band. We can take a licking, give a licking."

"Or in other words" Sain smirked, "we're finger licking good."

"Um, guys, I don't mean to rain cursed items on your treasure hold" Matthew reported, coming out from the temple, "but there's more of them inside than first thought..."

"Well this IS their stronghold" Lyn pointed out.

"Um...I have a suggestion..." Florina stated, raising her hand. "Perhaps if we use these corridors to our advantage, we'd only have to face one at a time. Hmm?"

"Excellent thinking, Florina" Cecil nodded. "Although be careful, because you never know when the walls crumble and you're attacked from two sides. Always stick with a partner."

"Excellent!" Sain grinned. "I'll go with..."

"You're coming with me, Sain" Kent ordered, grabbing him by the back of the collar, and dragging him in.

"But that's not fair!"

Serra grinned, and hopped over to Erk's side. "Come on, you're my escort, and you'll be my partner in this mission."

"groan. Alright, fine..."

Dorcas grabbed Wil by the arm, and dragged him in. "Come on, little man" he explained. "Let's go."

"Ow! My arm! You're crushing my arm!"

Matthew leapt onto Rath's horse, and kicked it in the ribs. "Let's go, let's go, let's go!"

Rath sighed. "Alright, alright, just stop wiggling. It bothers my horse." With that, the two rode in.

Lucius smiled, and mustled Nils' hair. "If it's alright, Cecil and I can stay out here and make sure these kids will be alright."

Lyn nodded. "But if we get out and they're not here, I'll do to you what I did to Sain during our last team meeting!"

"Of...of course, Lady Lyndis..." Lucius stuttered.

Florina walked over to Lyn, rubbing her arm. "I...I guess that means I go..with you, Lyn" she said squeakily.

Lyn gave a grin. "As long as you're with me, you've got nothing to worry about. Come on." With that, she took Florina by the arm, and lead her in.

"Are you sure they'll all be alright?" Lucius asked, looking over at Cecil.

The tactician grinned. "They'll be fine, provided they don't get in over their heads."
"Eeeek! They're after me!" Serra screamed, running through the corridors.

Erk turned around, and threw a ball of flame at the pursuing bandits, before returning to his run. "Damnit, I told you not to make a sound in this place! It echos like crazy!"

"You're my protector, right?" Serra asked. "Then stop running and start protecting me!"

"What part of shut up seems to be escaping you!?"

As the two rounded the corner, they ran into some familiar faces.

"Damnit, watch where you're going!" Wil barked, rubbing his back.

Dorcas just stared, as Erk pulled himself off the ground, having fallen over after running into the big man. "What's going on?" he asked simply.

"There they are! Take no prisoners!" shouted one of the Black Fang members.

"That" Erk said simply, pointing to the horde. From said finger, he fired another ball of fire.

"What, that all?" Wil laughed, before shooting down another.

"Well, considering all I had for a partner was Serra" Erk sighed, before slamming a palm into the chest of a spearman, and sending him flying away.

"And what is that supposed to mean!?" Serra barked, as a swordsman came up from behind her.

"RAAAAH!" he screamed, as he raised his sword for attack.

--WHAM--

Serra bashed the head of her staff into the swordsman's face. "Not now. Screaming at my escort."

"ow..." thud

An enemy archer hid from behind a corner, and readied his arrow. He then leapt out at the group, and was about to shot at Dorcas, when a sword plunged into his back. His arrow flew into the roof instead.

"Ack..." he choked.

Matthew smirked, and pivoted, dragging his blade along the archer's back, cutting the spinal cord in half. The archer gave a short scream, before falling to a heap.

"Someone call for a hero?" Matthew asked, with a laugh.

"Nope" Wil shook his head.

"Don't think so" Erk sighed.

"I'd remember if I did" Serra tapped her chin.

"..." Do I even have to say who said this?

"Ah forget it" Matthew sighed. "Oh, Dorcas, you'll never guess what me and Rath found just for you in one of the Black Fang's chests."

"..."

"This." Matthew pulled out a large, heavy warhammer. He tossed it as best as he could, and Dorcas caught it easily. "Now, let's kick some more bad guy butt!" Matthew grinned, giving a thumbs-up.
Meanwhile...

The spear flew out of the spearman's hand, and flew straight in Lyn's general direction. "Die, nomad girl!" he screamed.

Now, his plan on killing her then and there would've worked, if a certain, orchid haired lass hadn't been there to swoop down and give Lyn a lift. Just in time.

Lyn grinned. "Thanks, Florina. Now let me down."

Florina nodded, and let go, as Lyn came down on the spearman, cutting him down the middle with the Mani Katti. Florina averted her gaze. So did Lyn, actually.

As the two halves of the former enemy fell to the ground, a horse rode over to Lyn. "Sister of Sacae" the rider said simply, nodding.

"Rath!" Lyn smiled widely. "It's good to know they didn't get you!"

The nomad kept a blank face, but if you looked closely, he actual smirked. "Matthew and I have not run into anything, so we are both relitively safe. To be honest, I was kind of worried about you, Lyndis."

Florina glared at Rath, and suddenly caught herself. She didn't know WHY she just glared, but she did...

"Where are Sain and Kent?" Lyn asked. "Did you see them?"

"eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEE!" Sain screamed, his voice getting louder and louder as he came closer. He was flying through the air, and crashed into the side wall. Kent soon followed, rolling along the ground, and coming to a stop at Lyn's feet.

"...Now I did" Rath said simply.

"Who d..did this to you two?" Florina stuttered, shocked that people like Sain and Kent were sent flying.

"That guy..." Kent moaned, raising his hand, and pointing at a shaman who approached. This one was...different from the others they faced. His robes were blood red, with the symbol of fangs on either shoulder.

The shaman chortled. "You've seen what I did to your mounted companions" he said calmly. "Do you really think you can end up any different?"

Rath said nothing, as he readied his bow, and fired. The shaman smirked under his cowl, and raised one of his fingers. The arrow froze, before clattering to the ground a few feet from him.

Rath didn't say anything. Only growled.

"Now...who should I kill first" he looked over the gang. He suddenly pointed at Florina. "Ah, of course…" He suddenly raised his middle finger. "Flux you" he said simply, as a spear of dark matter fired at Florina.

The pegasus knight was amazingly quicker than the bolt, and ducked down, and landed. The pegasus actually galloped towards the shaman, before Florina drove her lance through the shamans gut.

Or, at least, it would've, had the shaman not teleported a few feet away, to Florina's left. "You're not bad, but aren't most Pegasus Knights faster than that?"

A blur of red and green dashed past the shaman. He blinked, before shaking his head. Matthew, however, looked over the ring he just swiped with fancy. "Heh. Ain't this a pretty catch?" he asked himself, before pocketing it.

"Now then, where was I...Ah yes!" He raised both hands, and started mumbling a dark chant. A circle of black runes surrounded him. His eyes snapped open, and glowed violently. It was there the team could notice his purple eyes, but they had no time to concern themselves with that now, because...

"ECLIPSE!" he shouted, as the runes came into the air, and sped towards Lyn.

I don't have time to avoid all those runes! Lyn screamed in her head.

"Lyn!" Florina screamed, swooping down and scooping her up again, as the magic runes continued on, and smacked into Rath. The nomad flew off his horse, and landed on his behind.

He growled, and pulled out his bow. "That hurt, you know...I'll make you pay..."

The shaman sneered. "Oh will you now?" he asked. "I'm afraid that wasn't even close to my strongest… But I grow bored of this silly game you try to play with me!" He linked his hands together, and started chanting. Appearing above him was a tear in time and space, and trying to paw its way out was a tall, black wolf. "Fen…"

The shaman was about to complete the spell, when he felt a sword go into his back. He lost concentration, and screamed in pain. The wolf and the tear dissipated.

"Guh… What the hell…?" the shaman slowly looked over his shoulder.

Matthew smirked. "Backstab Multiplier x2, Critical Hit Multiplier x2, Surprise Attack x2" he explained. He pulled his sword up. "Shall I go for a second attack?"

The shaman growled, before backing up. Blood poured from his back. "Screw this… Beyard, you're on your own. I'm going for the kids." he wheezed, before vanishing into thin air.

The swordsman gulped, as the other members of the Lyndis Legion(tm) came around the corner, weapons ready. "I'm a dead man..." he said sadly. He took out a vial containing a sickly green liquid, and chugged down the contents. He choked and wheezed, before crumbling to his feet.

"Poison?" Lyn stared. "He'd take his own life..."

"This is no ordinary gang of ruffians" Kent muttered. "They were highly trained and organized."

"We might as well start looking for that ring. It could be anywhere in here."

The gang nodded, and started to spread out, looking. Before Florina could get away, though, Lyn took her by the shoulder. "Florina..." she said, with a blank face. She then grinned. "Was I sure lucky you were there. You're a lot braver then when we last were together."

Florina blushed, and scratched her cheek. "I can't just let you get hurt...without at least trying to help you..."

Lyn smiled, and kissed Florina on the forehead. "And I'm glad you try your hardest. Now, let's go." With that, Lyn walked off to find Ninis's Grace.

Florina's face turned several shades of red, and just stood there for a while, before running to catch up with Lyn.
Outside, the shaman appeared in front of Lucius and the kids. Both of them backed up, Cecil standing in front of them.

"What do you want?" Lucius growled. "Foul magic user…"

"Shut up and get lost, prissy boy" the Shaman growled, forming a ball of dark energy on the tip of his middle finger. "Or I'll flux you good…"

"Try me. Go, my pretty colors!" he swung his arms, balls of light energy flying at the shaman.

He laughed, sticking up his middle finger. "Flux off, Blondie!"

The two spells collided in mid-air, creating an explosion of magic that ended up enveloping the two. When it cleared, Lucius was knocked out and the enemy shaman was barely standing, though there was still a fire in his eyes.

"Lucius!" Ninian cried out.

"Now, then, why don't you just give me the children…" the shaman smirked. "You're at least worthy of my respects if you managed to get rid of two separate armies of my men…I don't want to have to kill you, but I will if you don't move."

Another dark energy ball floated on his fingers. "So? Going to move or not?"

"You don't look so tough…" Cecil pulled a spear seemingly out of nowhere, a cap covering the tip.

"Very well, it was nice knowing you" the shaman laughed, though inside he was quite pissed off at still being referred to as 'The Shaman', even though we all know his name. Kozo lifted his finger. "Fluxing bastard, go away!"

Dark energy shot out, weakening Cecil greatly, but he stood his ground, the two children hiding behind him.

"Cecil! Are you okay?" Nils asked.

"I'm fine…" Cecil charged towards Kozo, raising the spear. "Take this, you bastard!"

Kozo barely dodged in time, teleporting beside Cecil. "Hmm… Rare to see a tactician that can defend himself… I thought I was the only one. Oh well. Good bye!" he smirked, tracing symbols in the air. "Say hello to the underworld for me! LUNA!"

A black cat popped out of his hands and then dashed towards Cecil, biting him right on the nose before disappearing in a flash of black light that knocked Cecil unconscious.

The two children were scared. "Umm… help! HELP!" Nils cried desperately, pulling his sister behind him.

"How sweet…" Kozo laughed, walking over to them, the two of them paralyzed in fear. He kneeled down next to Nils, staring at the boy.

"Back off! I'm warning you! I've got a… a… I've got a flute, and I know how to use it!" he brandished the 'weapon' dangerously.

Kozo laughed again. "Don't worry, I'm only here to take you back to the boss, and…"

His eyes met with Nils. He froze. There was a few moments of silence, with the two males staring deep into each other's eyes. Quite suddenly, the creepy background music that was playing shifted to a softer tune, sounding along the lines of "Can you feeeel, the love tonight...?".

"Damn screwy soundtrack..." Kozo cursed.

"Nils? Nils?" Ninian shook him, snapping both of them out of it.

"Hmph… I didn't… I'll… Stay out of trouble, you two" Kozo backed up, traced a symbol in the air, and then disappeared.

"What was that about?" Ninian asked.

"I… I don't know…" Nils blinked. "What a strange person."
"I don't get it..." Wil muttered, after the gang regrouped after two hours of searching. Serra and Florina were busy applying first aid to Lucius and Cecil, who they found unconscious. "I've looked everywhere and I couldn't find it..."

Dorcas shook his head. "Nor did I..."

After similar reports from everyone, Matthew suddenly froze. "Um...what did this ring look like?" he asked, slowly turning to face Ninian.

"Um..it was made of obsidian stone..."

"uh-oh."

"Had a ruby on the top of it..."

"Uh-oh."

"And several other jewels lining it."

"This...ehe...this wouldn't happen to be it, would it?" he asked sheepishly, pulling out the ring he pick pocketed earlier.

"Ninis's Grace!" Ninian cheered. She rushed over to Matthew, and gave him a hug, before taking the ring.

"Matthew! Where'd you find it?" Lyn asked.

"Erm...I stole it from that purple eyed shaman..."

"You mean you've had it for the past two hours, and you didn't tell us!?"

"I was meaning to tell you, but I got a little...."

{Flashback}
Matthew's jaw dropped. He had stumbled upon this outpost's treasure hold. He cheered, and dived into the piles of gold.

"..." Rath stared. "Shouldn't we be looking for the ring?"

"You go on ahead, I want to spend some quality time with my cash."

"..." Rath rode off.
{Back to the present}

"…Sidetracked."

"...Stand still for just a few minutes..." Lyn growled, pulling out her sword.

"Meep." Matthew squeaked, before running the hell away.

"Stand still so I can kill you!"
"WHAT!?!?" Brendan roared at Kozo.

"I couldn't get the kids… sir…" Kozo panted, still in pain from his stab wound and the blast of magic from his confrontation with Lucius.

"I thought you were an unparalleled shaman, Kozo" Brendan shook his head. "It shames me to see you fail!"

"Wait, Brendan… Hear me out… Those kids…" Kozo tried to explain something, but Sonia muttered something under her breath, and suddenly Kozo found himself unable to speak.

"Consider yourself lucky that you're not a member of the Black Fang, that instead you're my friend…" Brendan growled.

"Otherwise we'd have you executed" Sonia pouted. "Oooh, and I so wanted to see those kids!" Sonia started to cry.

Brendan gave her a comforting hug. "There, there, love. It's okay."

Sonia calmed down, and looked over at Kozo, her eyes turning into slits. Kozo just glared at her.

"Why do you two insist on glaring at each other?" Brendan noticed. The two gazes snapped away. "Kozo" Brendan ordered, "you are dismissed!"

"Fine, I'm out of here" Kozo said, starting to turn around. "But it's a shame… You're not the same Brendan I used to know…"

"Hmm?"

"You seem to have lost all sense of human compassion. Though in this business that can be seen as good… Where's the Brendan who used to give us cookies? Who used to give his minions who failed a slap on the wrist and more training instead of killing them on the spot? Who actually cared about all of us. It all changed when that stupid frog who's clinging onto your left arm showed up."

"Hey! I'm holding onto his right arm, you slimy…" Sonia hissed.

"That's enough, both of you!" Brendan roared. "Now get out of my sight!"

Kozo blew some hair out of his face, before leaving. "If this is how you are now, Brendan… I have but one thing to say…"

"That being?" Brendan seemed slightly hopeful.

"Tell Nino I said bye" Kozo didn't turn to face them, instead, he teleported away.

"Damnit, he was supposed to say he was sorry for all of this!" Brendan growled.

"We're better without him" Sonia replied.

"But…"

"We're better without him" she glared hard.

"You're right, we're better without him!" Brendan quickly corrected himself.
A black screen. Sounds of hammers, power drills and cursing were heard in the background. The screen started to fill with light, showing Yoshimo (hands both wrapped up in bandages) and Chibi-Zell, constructing two giant dials.

"...Turn off the camera. We're not done yet."

--click--
--click--

"Just a few more minutes, alright Andy?"

"Oh..."

--click--
--click--

"Damn it, Andy, can't you see we're..."

"Done!" Chibi Zell cheered, crawling out from under the second dial. "Okay, Yoshi. It's done."

"....ahem. Welcome to the first installment of The Wheel of Randomosity."

"Uh-oh" Sain muttered off screen. "I don't like the sound of that..."

"Where we spin these two dials, and whoever they land on have to kiss." Yoshimo put on a grin, and muttered under his breath through clenched teeth "This should keep the fangirls at bay..."

"Or attract them in vicious hordes" Chibi-Zell pointed out.

"Sssh. Alright, who wants to spin the first dial?"

"Me! Me!" Kozo cheered. He grabbed the first wheel, and spun it with all his might. The wheel went flying upwards.

"...You broke it, you fix it. I need a drink..."

--click--
--click--

"Okay, let's try this again..."

This time, when Kozo gave the spin, it twirled around normally.

"Wheel of Randomosity, whirl whirl whirl. Land on a pairing and don't make us hurl."

The first wheel slowed down, and stopped with the pointer aimed at a picture of Sain.

"Yes!" Sain cheered. "Alright, ladies! You shall know the glory of my...hey, wait a minute...Yoshimo, are there guys on the second wheel?"

"Yep."

"Ehe...oh no..."

Kozo spun the second wheel. Sain crossed his fingers. "Any of the girls, any of the girls, any of the girls...."

Minoa crossed her fingers. "Any of the guys, any of the guys, any of the guys..."

"None of the guys, none of the guys..." Yoshimo muttered, fingers crossed.

"None of the girls, none of the girls...." Chibi-Zell muttered.

Kozo kept his smirk.

The second wheel slowed down, and landed on....

"Oh no..." Sain muttered.

Yoshimo sighed.

Minoa and Chibi-Zell gave each other the twin high five.

It had landed on none other than Kent.

Sain, tense all over, slowly and awkwardly stepped onto the stage. Kent walked on calmly. He sighed. "We might as well get this over with, and get this damn monkey off our backs."

A small, brown chimp was pounding Kent's back with it's pint-sized fists.

Sain sighed, and loosened up. Kent cupped his hand under Sain's chin, and pulled them closer together.

"Oooooooo!" Minoa squealed.

"Oh would you shut up?" Kent muttered. "Neither of us are enjoying this."

"Sure" Chibi-Zell said, rolling his eyes.

Kent sighed, and finally give Sain a short kiss on the lips. After Kent let go, the two walked off the stage in opposite directions. Sain was shuddering, stricken with the heebie-jeebies, while Kent pulled out a travel bottle of mouth wash, and practically downed it in a gulp or two.

"Now that was just too convenient that the wheels would land on those two exactly" Yoshimo muttered. He looked over at Kozo. "You didn't rig it, did you?"

"Of course not" Kozo grinned, while kicking the tool box behind his back.

"Hmm...alright, till next time, I'm Yoshimo!"

"And I'm Chibi-Zell!"

"And I swear I didn't rig it!" Kozo pointed out.