Fire Emblem 7, The Parody
Chapter 08: Vortex of Strategy
Author's Note: As you have seen in the previous chapter, I have introduced the Wheel of Randomosity, a feature I was planning to use at the end of every Gaiden Chapter, mainly for some random and fun humor. However, I noticed that the chapter that featured it produced very minimal reviews, so I assume I may have accidently alienated some of my readers with this thing. Is that the case, or are my usual audience just on vacation? Should or shouldn't I keep with my idea for the Wheel of Randomosity?
Passing through Araphen and Khatelet, Lyn and her friends at last arrive in Caelin. However, Caelin is now under the rule of High Commander Lundgren, all hail the mauve armored general...erm, excuse me.
Lundgren's henchmen lay in wait to assassinate Lyn, like the ones in Chapter 06, when you think about it. They wait for her approach, and ready their special weapon.
What is this weapon, you ask? Why it's none other than...Ze Ubertank of Dooooooom!
{Dun, dun, duuuuun!}
Well, not really.
Lyn breathed in some of the freash, open air, and looked behind her. "The mountains seem so far away now. We've come such a long way..."
"M'lady Lyndis!" Sain reported. "Sir Cecil! We can't be far from the castle now!"
"Should be two day's ride if we hurry" Kent nodded.
"Two more days....we're so close, grandfather. Please..."
Florina walked over to Lyn, and took her hands. "Cheer up, Lyn. If they see you looking so sad, the entire party will lose heart."
"Florina..." Lyn smiled. "You're right. Nothing gained from worrying. We'll just have to press onwards."
Florina grinned. "That's the spirit!"
Nils suddenly interupted this happy moment. "Lyndis...danger approaches..."
Florina let go of Lyn's hands, as the nomad noble looked over at Nils. "Are you sure?"
Sain looked around. "I don't see anything."
"I can feel it too..." Ninan muttered, before flinching. "M'lady! Don't move!"
--Twang--
"I regret nothiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" screamed the soldier, as he flew through the air.
--PHOOM--
Said soldier landed a few feet away from Lyn, head first in the ground. "Telegram for Lady Lyndis..." he muttered from under the earth, holding up a letter.
Lyn took it, before the arm fell limp. The girl unfolded the telegram, and read it aloud.
Dear Lyndis
Turn back now and never again come near Caelin, or feel the wrath of Lundgren. Our balista is locked onto your current position.
Cheers,
Sir Yogi.
"What the...?" Lyn muttered, looking over the letter several times.
--Twang--
--Thunk--
An arrow fell a few feet in front of the soldier, at Lyn's foot. She blinked, and took the note from it.
Dear Lyn
That was just a practice shot, to see if it still worked after firing Generic Spearman #44073. This time, we're sending the big guns.
Sincerly,
Sir Yogi.
"...Okay, now this is just getting stupid."
"Incoming!" Nils screamed.
--TWANG--
Lyn looked up, and noticed a bolt as big as Dorcas screaming towards her. "HOLY SHIT!" she screamed, before running out of the way.
So did all the others. Quite suddenly, Matthew started pushing a few rocks in the way, and ran away again.
--BOOM--
The bolt fell on the rock pile, as diamonds and precious gems flew in all directions.
"I knew it!" Matthew cheered.
"What the HELL was that!?" Erk demanded.
"It was a balista" Kent explained. "A siege weapon made for long distence attacks. Only archers can use them, but they can be devestating."
"Lundgren is getting serious..." Sain muttered. "Deploying a balista is no mean feat..."
"Any way to combat it?" Lyn asked.
"It takes a while to reload" Kent explained. "If we rush it, we could take out the archer pioleting it."
"That's settled!" Sain grinned. "Let's go!"
Lyn looked over at Wil. "Wil, can you use a balista?"
"Well, never tried one before, but they're only an extra large bow, right? Shouldn't be too hard to figure out."
Lyn nodded. "Sain, Kent, take Wil with you. We can use their own weapon against them!"
Sain nodded, and picked up Wil, who got himself properly seated on the horse. Sain pulled on the reigns. "Let's go!" he shouted, as the two horsemen rode off.
"Now all we do is pray..." Lyn muttered.
"Now where is it..." Sain muttered, looking around.
"When the bolt came flying towards us, it came from the southwest of our position, so I'd say...over...there!" Kent pointed with his sword.
Where the blade was pointing, there was a giant crossbow head sticking out of the forest.
"...Not one for concealment, are they?" Sain asked.
"Mmm-mm" Wil shook his head, as the three rode over.
"God frig it, I told them this was more than a one person job" complained the enemy archer, as he readied the next bolt still. "But would they listen to me? Noo, they just stuck me here by myself. Now, what if some group of enemies were to come up out of no where?"
"Like us?" Kent asked with a sadistic grinned.
"Yeah. Like you. Anyway, suppose they came up out of no where. I'd be a sitting duck and--OH GOD! MY SPINAL CORD! YOU'RE RIPPING OUT MY SPINAL CORD! OH GOD, NOW YOU'RE BEATING ME WITH IT! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN IMAGINEIBLE! Gaaaaah! ..."
Wil kicked away the corpse, before looking up at the Balista. "Well, time to get to work."
With some help from the two calvaliers, Wil finished loading the oversized crossbow, and got into the piolet's seat. "Okay..." he muttered, looking at the two buttons on the hand grips on his arm rest. "One must be for firing...the other for turning. But which is which..."
He sighed, and raised his left thumb over it's respective button. "Here it goes..." he muttered. He pushed it.
--TWANG--
The bolt flew off. At the gang.
"...whoops."
Meanwhile, the gang was swarmed by enemy units. They were doing their best to hold them off, when Nils again let out a scream of "Incoming!"
The gang looked up, and instantly scattered. Another bolt was coming their way. Serra and Florina just barely got out of the path, as the bolt landed just inches behind them, destroying all the bad guys, though.
"Florina!" Lyn gasped, running over to the pegasus knight. "Are you okay?"
"I...I'm fine" Florina panted, scared out of her wits.
"Damn it, it missed..." Erk muttered.
"Are you blind?" Serra asked. "The enemy attacking us are gone. Kaput. Dead."
"...Never mind."
"Okay, that first shot was a bit of a screw up" said Wil, as he pressed the other button, turning the balista around. "But I'll get it right this time."
He pressed another button, this one green, and wasn't one of the two he had to choose a few paragraphs ago. A small window appeared in front of him, as the image of a swordsman with strange looking sword appeared. "Say goodbye!" he laughed, before firing.
A bolt flew high, before coming down, impaling the swordsman, knocking the blade out of his hand, and actually taking care of burying him six feet under.
"Boo-ya!" Wil laughed, before getting out the load the next missile.
"Sir Yogi!" reported a mounted cavalier. "The balista! It has been taken!"
"What!? Oh damn, now I really hope those reienforcements come soon..."
"Do not worry, commander. I'm sure they'll be here any second now."
{Ten minutes later...}
"Yeah...any...minute now..."
"Don't count on it!" Sain laughed, as he, Kent and Florina all came into view. Followed by the rest of the Lyndis Legion(tm), minus Wil.
"Oh...crap..." Yogi gulped. "Um...attack!"
"Too late, buddy!" Kent shouted. He lifted up the odd looking sword he picked up in the forest right next to a balista bolt. "I happen to know this baby's a Lancereaver, which means it reverses the Weapons Triangle, and your history!"
"Says you!" Sir Yogi barked. He readied his lance. "This baby's an Axereaver! And as it's against another reaver weapon, the triangle is back to normal! Now, ready to die!?"
--TWANG--
Everything seemed to slow down.
"Siiiiiiiir Yooooooogiiiiiii!" shouted one of the enemy knights.
Yogi slowly turned his head, and noticed the bolt. Which seemed to be going in a slower motion than everyone else. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--" Sir Yogi checked his watch, "--ooooooooooooo--" he examined his fingernails. "--ooooooooo!"
--THUNK--
The bolt tore through the knight, killing him in a half second. The late Sir Yogi toppled over, everything returning to normal speed.
"Sir Yogi is dead!" said the knight who tried to warn him.
"Dead!? Retreat!" shouted a cavalier, as everyone made their escape.
"Just like Dominos" Sain laughed. "Knock down one, and they all fall over!"
There was a cheer from the crew. Dorcas puffed out his chest, and gave a victorious laugh. Nils cheered and gave a little dance. Lyn and Florina grabbed onto each other in a hug...before breaking off and putting some distence between them, blushing.
Wil ran over to Lyn, and bowed low. "Lady Lyndis!" he begged. "I'm so glad you're okay!"
"What are you talking about, Wil?" Lyn asked, thankful for this distraction.
"Well...see...when I got to the balista, I sorta...fired it at you guys."
"You did WHAT!?"
"Now...now...now M'lady, please be resonable!" Wil stuttered, as Lyn loaded him, tied up, into the balista. "It was an accident, I swear!"
"Which button's to aim?" Lyn asked.
"The one on the right. Anyway, at first, I didn't know which was which! I didn't mean to shoot at you!"
"Sain, where's the nearest lake?"
"That way, m'lady" Sain informed, pointing in the lake's general direction.
"Thank you." Lyn aimed the balista in the opposite direction.
"Please, oh dear god, don't..."
"FIRE!"
--TWANG--
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......" Wil screamed, getting quieter by the second, as he rocketed through the air.
A blue haired, heavily armored noble rode along the dirt path, along side Eliwood, the red haired pretty boy we met a few chapters back. The blue haired one didn't look much older, and had an axe resting in his lap.
"...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...." Wil screamed, coming closer and closer.
Eliwood looked up. "Hey, Hector..." he muttered. "That looks like Wil. He was a member of Lyndis's gang that I told you about."
"Oh, is he now?" Hector asked, looking up.
"aaaaaAAAAAAA..."
Hector pulled out a portable trampoline, and held it between him and the incoming Wil.
--Streach--
--BOING--
"AAAAaaaaaaa...."
"Here he comes." Cecil put away his binoculars, and looked over at Florina and Serra. "Have you set up the matresses?"
Florina nodded. Serra grinned, and gave the thumbs up.
"aaaaaaaAAAAAA!"
--PHOOM--
Wil landed perfectly on the matresses. "...I hurt in places that don't exist..." he moaned.
A familiar laugh was heard. Everyone turned, to notice Matthew, sitting in one of the upper branches. "Hey guys!" he waved. He flipped off, and landed perfectly on his feet. "Did I miss all the fun?"
"Where were you for all this?" Lyn asked.
"I was just snooping around for information and funding, you see."
"Were you successful?"
"On both counts, yes. Now then..."
--CRASH--
"I've got to get bigger pockets..." Matthew muttered, gathering up the loot he dropped. "As I was saying, your grandpappy has been ill and abed for a good three months now. What really makes me raise an eyebrow is the exacts of his condition: This is no common illness."
"Let me guess. He's been poisoned" Cecil asked, rolling his eyes.
"You got it. No one's willing to give a name. I had to pay a pretty penny (with his own money) to get the barkeeper to say anything. And guess who's been poisoning your grandfather?"
Lyn was about to guess, before Matthew answered for her. "His own brother: Lord Lundgren."
"And they're letting him get away with this!?" Lyn demanded.
"It is only a rumer. And if they go against Lundgren...they're in one deep sack of crap. And the worst is yet to come..."
"There's more?" Sain moaned.
"An imposter appeared, claiming to be the marquess's granddaughter. Or rather, that's the story Lundgren's telling everyone who'll listen."
"Meaning...?"
"They're waiting for two traitorous knights, and a baseborn child to appear and lay claim to Castle Caelin."
"But...but that...it can't be!" Sain shouted.
"Oathbreakers? Us!? Ridiculous!" Kent raised his voice.
"Imposter, am I?" Lyn asked, an evil look on her face.
"Don't you have anything you have that can prove your heritage?" Matthew asked.
"I did have this pendant my mother gave me..." Lyn muttered. "With a picture of all of us inside it." She reached for it, but then realized something. "It's....gone!" She glared at Matthew. "You didn't..."
"No! I swear! I wouldn't pilfer anything of your's! Besides, I don't have any necklaces in my colletion!"
"Okay, Lyn, think hard" Cecil instructed. "Where did you last remember having it?"
"..." Lyn closed her eyes, thinking hard.
Meanwhile, all the way back at Lyn's old home, a shiney, golden pendant sat idily on the bedside table, right next to the picture of Florina.
"AH CRAP!"
"Marquess Araphen said it himself; you look so much like your mother!" Sain said, a glimmer of hope in his voice. "Your face is proof!"
"They'll say we found a look alike somewhere...we're seen as traitors to our knightly vows. Our word means nothing" Kent explained. "Our only hope is Marquess Caelin himself."
"We must hurry. If not, my grandfather...I must see him! With my last breath if need be!"
"And that very well be the case if we just rush in there" Matthew shook his head. "We need a plan."
Cecil snapped his fingers. "That noble we met back in Kathelet! Smelly Wood!"
"Eliwood" Lyn corrected.
"What ever. Point is, he took pity on our plight. So if we talk to him, we might get some support."
"Sounds like a long shot, but, what the hell" Lyn shrugged. "Alright, back to Kathelet!"
"(There she goes, pissing on my idea again...)"