Fire Emblem 7, the Parody
Chapter 09: A Grim Reunion
Lyn and her friends have been branded as traitors, pretenders to the throne. Lundgren has sen word to Caelin's neighbors, warning them of Lyn's approach. He calls for reinforcements to put an end to the "imposter". If the other realms of Lycia choose to act, Lyn will never reach Caelin alive. Lyn places her faith in Eliwood and waits.
'Course, that's not what I would have done, but nobody ever listens to me.
"I've recieved word from Caelin's neighbors" Eliwood informed Lyn, as heroic, fast pased music played in the background. "Laus, Tuscana, Kathelet, Tania, Santaruz, and Mister and Miss Eggelton. They have sworn to remain neutral in Caelin's affairs."
"Thank you so much, Eliwood!" Lyn beamed.
"Of course, that's all I've been able to do. And by doing that, I too cannot aid you in any way either."
"That's okay. We can handle ourselves pretty well."
Eliwood smiled, and nodded, before taking his leave. "Good luck to you, Lyndis. Perhaps we will meet again." With that, he leapt onto his horse, and pulled the reigns. "High ho, Tinfoil! Away!" And with that, Eliwood rode off into the sunset. In the middle of the day. Don't ask me how he pulled that off, he just did.
Hector sighed. "Yeah, see ya" he said simply, before urging his horse forward.
With that, Lyn and the others got ready for the final streach. "Okay, Sain, how much further to the Castle Caelin?"
"Mmm...should reach there by high noon tomorrow, if we leave now. As in right now." With that, he urged his horse forward.
"Of course, that's if we take the quick way" Kent pointed out, "which just so happens to pass through General Eagler's estate. We've one more obstactle to overcome."
"Otherwise, this wouldn't make for much of a chapter, now, would it?" Cecil grinned.
"Damnit, Roland..." Yoshimo moaned, not even bothering to shout cut.
There was a low, rumbling noise. "Earthquake!" Serra paniked.
"No" Dorcas looked up. "Someone's coming down that side of the hill."
"Well, he must be pretty heavy to make that sort of noise..."
"I'm not fat!" shouted said person, as he came into view, skidding to a stop in front of the gang. He was wearing bulky, silver armor, was bald, big mouthed, double chined, and gray eyed. "Just big boned."
"Ya" Serra smirked. "Really, REALLY big boned."
"HEY!"
"Don't mind her" Erk sighed. "She manages to piss everyone off..."
"Wait a minute, I know you..." Kent muttered, before leaping off his horse, and rushing over to the knight. "Sir Wallace!"
"Eh! Kent!" Wallace beamed, giving the knight a high five.
There was an audible cracking noise, before Kent clenched his hand that was just high fived. "Ah! My fighting hand!" he wailed.
"Well, that set aside..." Lyn muttered.
"Geez, we should probably get some ice on that" Cecil contemplated.
"Who are you, oh fa--" Lyn started, turning her attention back to the knight.
"Grrr..." Wallace growled.
"Oh familar one to Kent?"
"I am Sir Wallace, knight of Caelin, and their strongest shield. Weapons break against me!"
"I'm sure you break a lot of things" Serra snickered.
"Watch it...ahem, I have recieved orders from Lord Lundgren to capture two oath breakers and an imposter claiming to be the marquess's granddaughter."
"Does this mean we have to fight?" Lyn asked, grabbing the hilt of her new Armorslayer. "Because I'm not going to back down."
Wallace grinned. "Nah, I wouldn't pick a fight with ye."
"Why not?"
"Because A: Lundgren is a lying, no good son of a..."
"If you finish that sentance" Kent pointed out, "you're insulting the marquess as well."
"Point. But you get the idea. And B: If there's one thing I learned, it's that people with eyes as bright as your's can always be trusted."
"I wouldn't be so sure..." Nils pointed out. "Ever hear of a kid named Malus?"
"You're the splitting image of Lady Madelyn" Wallace grinned. "That settles it! I, Wallace, the Boldest Knight of Caelin, shall fight by your side!"
Cecil just stared, before..."Yaaaa-whooooooooo!" He started dancing. "We've got a knight, we've got a knight!"
"Is he always like this?"
"Sadly, yes."
Cecil stopped dancing, and noticed something on the chest of Wallace's armor: A creast of red and yellow lines and swirls. Wallace blinked. "What?"
"Th...that's a Knight's Crest, isn't it?"
"Ah, you've got the eyes of a hawk my friend! With this, I shall upgrade to a General, thus becoming even MORE powerful and impregnable!"
"... ... ...If it's any consolation, I just shat myself."
"Let's go! Knight's Crest!"
Lightning flashed around Wallace, as his armor became even MORE bulkier, chains attached to his lance and the axe he was also carrying, those weapons actually morphing themselves. The lower part of his armor was adorned in a red and gold sash, and a tall, bucket like helmet adorned his head.
"Behold, Wallace the General!" Wallace version 2.0 bellowed.
"I could've done that" Erk muttered. "If I...had the...spell..."
"A giant now stands among you!" Wallace continued to bellow. "Stand behind me, and nothing shall bring harm to you! Onwards!"
There was a pause.
"So...are you going to move, or what?" Kent asked.
"Yeah, problem with that. See, my armor's gotten so that I cannot seem to move in this thing."
--Massive face fault outburst--
"Well, Wallace used to be deadly useful in battle" Sain pointed out. "So we need to find a way to make him useful again."
"..." Kent, Sain and Florina all gave an evil grin, before starting to attach spikes to Wallace's armor.
"Um...guys? What are you doing? I cannot move and therefor cannot protest to what you are appling to armor..."
Later, on a hill a few yards away, two red coated archers sat on the hill, chatting. When suddenly, one of them noticed something coming their way. "Hey, Carl, it's a pegasus knight!"
"Oooh! Oooh! I want this one!"
"Wait...what's that attached to it and those two cavaliers with it?"
"...OH MY GOD!"
"Slow down!" Wallace begged, as Florina, Kent and Sain rode on, with the general attached to all three of them with ropes. "I'm getting neasous!"
"Just think on somethign else!" Kent instructed. "Oh, and close your eyes."
"Why?"
--SPLORCH!-- --SKEWER!--
"That's why..."
"Ick..."
After three more minutes and forty seven more enemies, and a possibly high dry cleaners bill, a tall, dark castle came into view. "There's Eagler's castle!" Florina cheered.
"Everybody HALT!" Kent ordered, as he, Florina and Sain came to a full stop.
Of course, Wallace was still going at a good 80km/ph, so when they came to a full stop...
"Eeeeeee!" he screamed, before crashing into the side wall. Leaving a perfect cut out.
"Sir Wallace!" Sain shouted, jumping off his horse and running to the cut out. "Sir, are you okay?"
Wallace, his helmet knocked off, was laying in a heap of rubble. Along with a man in dark armor, green hair, and a green moustache. Both were knocked out of their sense. "Love, love, love makes the world go round..."
Sain sighed, sweat dropping.
The green haired man pulled himself out of the rubble, returning to his sesne. "Damn it...what just hit me? A bus?"
"Nah, that was just Wallace" Sain pointed out.
"Even worse."
"Offense! I take offense!"
"Wait a minute...Kain! Sent!"
"Damnit, we were your top students and you STILL can't get our names right!" Kent screamed.
Wallace snorted.
"Shut up, big bones!"
"Well, at least he didn't call me fat..."
"To your face."
The green haired, dark armored warrior, whom we know as General Eagler, the Paladin, shook his head, and readied his lance. "You have been labeled as oathbreakers! And for that, I must kill you!"
"Now come on!" Sain demanded. "I mean, us? Oathbreakers? Can you honestly believe that?"
"About Kent, no. You...well..."
"Oh, that one hurt..."
"Yaaaaah!" Eagler gave his charge.
Suddenly, there was a furious flapping of wings, as a familiar, flying white stallion charged in. Coming to an abrupt halt, it's rider flew off, straight towards Eagler, lance held forward. It tore through his chest.
"Sorry!" Florina said over the THUNK noise.
Eagler flew back, Florina's Slim Lance still stuck in his chest. He crashed into the back wall.
Wallace got himself on top of the rubble pile, and with an amazing feat of leg power, leapt off, in Eagler's direction. "BUTT BOMB!" he shouted, landing on poor Eagler's legs.
"WHAAAAA!" he screamed, feeling every last bone in his legs and feet and toes snapping into several thousand pieces. And that was no hyperbole.
"Had enough?" Wallace sneered, getting to his feet, and getting ready for another jump.
"I submit!" Eagler screamed. "Please, not another butt bomb!"
"Alright, you get off easy" Wallace laughed. "But no mercy should you try anything funny!" With that, he, the two cavaliers and Florina all left.
"... ...Um, guys? I can't move my legs. And I've still got a spear stuck in my chest. Medic. ... ... ...I knew it would end like this."
"So, what kind of person was General Eagler anyway?" Lyn asked.
"A no good, lying, conniving, under handed snake" Sain growled.
"You're saying that only because he insulted you" Kent quipped in.
"...And if I am?"
"General Eagler was really a good man. A good teacher, a good fighter, a good leader, a good father...I could go on..." Kent explained.
"So...we killed a crowd favorite?" Cecil asked.
"Well, put that way, yes" Kent nodded.
"Ah crap..."
"General Eagler wouldn't have attacked us on purpose. Lundgren must've been holding something of value hostage. Maybe a friend, or family..."
"And I'll never see my Garfield comics ever again..." Eagler whined.
Lyn froze.
"Um...m'lady?" Kent asked.
"What is the matter?" Sain asked.
"She's gonna blow!" Cecil screamed, diving for cover.
Lyn screamed, and rushed ahead. "THAT MAN WILL NEVER FEEL THE EMBRACE OF MOTHER EARHT! THAT NO GOOD {Censored} IS GOING TO GET MY {Beep}ING MANI KATTI UP HIS {Hello!}! I'LL RIP OUT HIS..."
"Hold it!" Florina shouted, tackling Lyn. "You're going to burst a blood vessel! Release your anger when you're facing him in combat!"
Lyn breathed heavily, before calming down. "Alright. Thank you Florina."
"No problem Lyn!"
"...Um, Florina?"
"Yes?"
"You're...touching my brea--."
"Eep!" Florina quickly got off of Lyn, and onto her pegasus.
"...bread." She sat up, and pulled a piece of sourdough out of her pouch. "You almost squished it, too. I'd think you were groping it."
"Ehe..."
Meanwhile, in Castle Caelin...
"You're making a steady recovery, your highness" the royal doctor grinned. "Just have some rest for a week or two, and you should be back to your full health."
"Oh...thank you doctor..." the marquess breathed heavily.
The doctor left, and closed the door gently behind him. The marquess's eyes felt heavy, before he closed them, and drifted into sleep.
There was a pause.
The door burst open. "HEY HEY!" Lundgren screamed at the top of his lungs.
"YAH!" the marquess yelped, sitting up suddenly. "Damn it, little brother! Do you want to give me a heart attack!?"
"Yes."
"Oh..."
"I just came in to tell you your granddaughter should be dead right about...now."
"No...my granddaughter...I only wanted to see her once..."
"Ha ha ha! You'll soon be joining her, my worthless excuse for a brother!"
"Lundgren...you fiend...you are not worth spitting on..."
"But you are. --Spit-o-- Heh, a few more days, and it'll be death for you. And you and your daughter and your granddaughter will be together. In the after life. Ha ha ha. Neener neener neener, you don't have a..."
"Lord Lundgren!" shouted a soldier, rushing in. "The nomad girl! She's almost at the Castle! She beat Eagler!"
"..." Lundgren was stuck in his taunting face, but no words escaped his mouth, as he slowly turned to face the soldier. "You...idiot! I was in the middle of my taunt, you know!"
"Sorry sir. But...if I may, your taunts are a little childish..."
"Off with his head!"
"But it's my first offense..."
"I SAID OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"
"Oh..."
"My granddaughter...she's alive..."
"No she's not. That man was crazy."
"But he..."
"I SAID HE WAS CRAZY!"
"He crazy...oh, little brother...before you go...you must control your temper, or you'll burst a blood vessel."
"I WILL NOT BURST A BLOOD VESSEL!"
"And stop screaming."
"I'M NOT SCREAMING! NOW SHUT UP AND..."
--Pop--
"...oh, that didn't sound OR feel good."