Fire Emblem 7, The Parody
Side Chapter 1: When Dorcas met Bartre
Author's Note: The following chapter contains pure, somewhat random humor, also building the grounds for a running gag. If you are not a fan of random, silly chapters like this, please wait until Chapter 11 is actually posted up. Thank you.
Yoshimo was sweating, and running around franticly. "Oh man, what am I gonna do!? The long weekend's over, and everyone's not back yet! We can't start Eliwood's story without Eliwood! Why did I fail to notice it was Thrusday when I left!?"
Yoshimo looked up, and beamed widely. "Bartre! Dorcas! Thank God you two are still here!"
The two fighters looked up at the miniscule director. Er...looked down at the miniscule director...anyway. "We were here all weekend" Dorcas explained. "I could've taken Natelie to Maui, but SOMEONE kept destroying my TV." He glared at Bartre.
"Hey, don't tell me you were pissed that the canceled Family Guy."
"Bartre, they canceled it years ago. Weren't you the least bit suspcious that they're constently playing repeats?"
"...Oh yeah..."
"Well, stop arguing, and get into costume! We need you and Natelie to get on stage and stall the audience for time until Eliwood and the others get back!"
"Got it!" Bartre beamed. Dorcas nodded, and walked off.
There was a pause.
"Well?" Yoshimo asked.
"What, now?" Bartre asked in response.
Dorcas leaned back on his "Laz-E Boy" chair, opening the paper. Natelie was in the kitchen, humming a cheery tune while cooking supper.
There was a hard knock on the door. Dorcas folded the paper, grunted while he got up, and walked over to the door. Upon opening it, he saw a man with spikey brown hair, and a blue, ragged tunic and gray, tattered pants. He had a metal headband, and was very beefy.
"Hi, I'm Bartre. I'm selling Girl Guide Cookies" he beamed.
"...Don't you have to be a girl to do that?" Dorcas asked.
"Hi, I'm Bartre. I'm selling..."
"Yes, yes, alright, I'll take one box."
"I don't have any."
"Then why did knock on my door saying you were selling girl guide cookies!?"
"... ...Hi, I'm Bartre. I'm..."
"I KNOW!"
"Dorcas, that's no way to treat a guest" Natelie said from the kitchen. "Invite him in."
Dorcas gave a defeated sigh. "Alright, please come in. Just don't touch anything, alright?" He blinked. Bartre wasn't there. Dorcas looked left. Then right. He grinned. "Well, that took care of itself."
He turned around to return to his paper, only to see Bartre sitting in his chair, playing with his axe. "Hey! Get out of my chair!"
"Nice place" Bartre said, nodding and looking around.
"That's it! Out of my house! Now!"
"Dorcas! That's no way to treat a guest!"
"Yes dear..." Dorcas sighed again. Dorcas snatched the axe in Bartre's hand. "Give that back. It was a gift I got back when I was with the Lyndis Legion(tm)."
Bartre gasped, before grinning widely, and clapping his hands together. "Oh my god! You're THE Dorcas!"
"..Yes, I am the Dorcas."
"Wow! What's it like being heir to the throne?"
"...What?"
"You're that...you're that guy's grand-daughter!"
"...Do I look like the grand-daughter type to you?"
"Oh shoot..." Natelie muttered. She stepped into the living room. "Dorcas, I need some spices for dinner. Would you be a dear and go get some?"
"Certainly dear" Dorcas nodded, before heading for the door.
"Oh! I know where to get some!" Bartre said, jumping from the chair.
"Yes. In the marketplace three blocks away."
"No! There's a village about four towns away! Best spices you'll ever taste!"
"But...three blocks..."
"Come on!" Bartre shouted, grapping Dorcas's arm, and dragging him along.
"Three blocks!"
"Come on, please?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No."
"Pretty please with sugar on it?"
"The more you ignore me, THE LOUDER I'LL GET!"
"Argh, alright, alright. As long as you're following me, I might as well teach you to hold your own." Dorcas handed Bartre a hatchet.
"What is this? This isn't worth cutting a block of butter in half!"
"It's a training axe. Now then, we'll use nega...positive reinforcement. Every time you screw up, I'll hit you over the head. Okay?"
"Got it!"
"Okay." Dorcas pulled out his own axe. "Hold your weapon thus."
"Like so?" Bartre asked, mirroring Dorcas's position.
"Good. Now, swing it like." Dorcas swung his axe in a basic downwards attack.
Bartre's train of thought took off in another direction. "Hey look! A fly!"
--SMACK--
"Hey! What was that for!?"
"I repeat, like so" Dorcas swung his axe again.
"Oh, my shoelace is undone..." Bartre bent over to tie it up.
--SMACK--
"Try again."
"There's that fly again."
--SMACK--
"You're hopeless."
"No! Don't give up on me! You're my only hope!"
"...Alright, fine. This will take a while..."
"Alright, Bartre. We'll set up camp here. Even though we could've gone three blocks....you look for food, while I set up camp. Got it?"
"Got it!"
----Twenty minutes later----
"I'm back!" Bartre beamed, stepping into the camp.
"Alright, Bartre. What'd you find?"
"Well, first I found some berries. But they turned out to be poisonous. Then I found some eggs. But they turned out to belong to an eagle."
"...That explains why one is perched on your head."
"And then I went fishing, and BOY were they good! ...So what are you having?"
"Why you little...!!" Dorcas grabbed Bartre by the neck, and started to throttle him.
"ACK! ACK!"
Dorcas let out a sigh of relief. "Finally. After a two day's hike (compared to three blocks...), we're here. So, where are the spices?"
Bartre blinked, and looked around. "What spices?"
"The spices you said that were of supreme quality in this town."
"...OH! Those spices! ...Wait, this is the wrong town."
"...What!?"
"Those were being sold a few towns away..."
Dorcas reached for his satchel, and pulled out a mace. Bartre gulped, and took off running.
"I'll mace you good!" Dorcas bellowed, giving chase.
"Okay, now that we're in the RIGHT town..." Dorcas groweled. "Where. Are. The spices?"
"They're in the marketplace by the...hey! Look!" Bartre stared out over the field near the town, where a trio of noble looking people and a girl were getting ready to fight a group of bandits.
"What now?"
"It's just as the knight at the gates said! It is Lord Eliwood!"
"So it would seem. Now..."
"What is he doing? Is he going to fight those bandits? That is the right, lordly thing to do. Should we not go help them?"
"No. We're here for spices. Now where..."
"Let's goooooo!" Bartre pulled out his axe, and gave his charge.
"Three...blocks..." Dorcas whined, trudging after his "apprentice."
Side Chapter 1: When Dorcas met Bartre
Author's Note: The following chapter contains pure, somewhat random humor, also building the grounds for a running gag. If you are not a fan of random, silly chapters like this, please wait until Chapter 11 is actually posted up. Thank you.
Yoshimo was sweating, and running around franticly. "Oh man, what am I gonna do!? The long weekend's over, and everyone's not back yet! We can't start Eliwood's story without Eliwood! Why did I fail to notice it was Thrusday when I left!?"
Yoshimo looked up, and beamed widely. "Bartre! Dorcas! Thank God you two are still here!"
The two fighters looked up at the miniscule director. Er...looked down at the miniscule director...anyway. "We were here all weekend" Dorcas explained. "I could've taken Natelie to Maui, but SOMEONE kept destroying my TV." He glared at Bartre.
"Hey, don't tell me you were pissed that the canceled Family Guy."
"Bartre, they canceled it years ago. Weren't you the least bit suspcious that they're constently playing repeats?"
"...Oh yeah..."
"Well, stop arguing, and get into costume! We need you and Natelie to get on stage and stall the audience for time until Eliwood and the others get back!"
"Got it!" Bartre beamed. Dorcas nodded, and walked off.
There was a pause.
"Well?" Yoshimo asked.
"What, now?" Bartre asked in response.
Dorcas leaned back on his "Laz-E Boy" chair, opening the paper. Natelie was in the kitchen, humming a cheery tune while cooking supper.
There was a hard knock on the door. Dorcas folded the paper, grunted while he got up, and walked over to the door. Upon opening it, he saw a man with spikey brown hair, and a blue, ragged tunic and gray, tattered pants. He had a metal headband, and was very beefy.
"Hi, I'm Bartre. I'm selling Girl Guide Cookies" he beamed.
"...Don't you have to be a girl to do that?" Dorcas asked.
"Hi, I'm Bartre. I'm selling..."
"Yes, yes, alright, I'll take one box."
"I don't have any."
"Then why did knock on my door saying you were selling girl guide cookies!?"
"... ...Hi, I'm Bartre. I'm..."
"I KNOW!"
"Dorcas, that's no way to treat a guest" Natelie said from the kitchen. "Invite him in."
Dorcas gave a defeated sigh. "Alright, please come in. Just don't touch anything, alright?" He blinked. Bartre wasn't there. Dorcas looked left. Then right. He grinned. "Well, that took care of itself."
He turned around to return to his paper, only to see Bartre sitting in his chair, playing with his axe. "Hey! Get out of my chair!"
"Nice place" Bartre said, nodding and looking around.
"That's it! Out of my house! Now!"
"Dorcas! That's no way to treat a guest!"
"Yes dear..." Dorcas sighed again. Dorcas snatched the axe in Bartre's hand. "Give that back. It was a gift I got back when I was with the Lyndis Legion(tm)."
Bartre gasped, before grinning widely, and clapping his hands together. "Oh my god! You're THE Dorcas!"
"..Yes, I am the Dorcas."
"Wow! What's it like being heir to the throne?"
"...What?"
"You're that...you're that guy's grand-daughter!"
"...Do I look like the grand-daughter type to you?"
"Oh shoot..." Natelie muttered. She stepped into the living room. "Dorcas, I need some spices for dinner. Would you be a dear and go get some?"
"Certainly dear" Dorcas nodded, before heading for the door.
"Oh! I know where to get some!" Bartre said, jumping from the chair.
"Yes. In the marketplace three blocks away."
"No! There's a village about four towns away! Best spices you'll ever taste!"
"But...three blocks..."
"Come on!" Bartre shouted, grapping Dorcas's arm, and dragging him along.
"Three blocks!"
"Come on, please?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No."
"Pretty please with sugar on it?"
"The more you ignore me, THE LOUDER I'LL GET!"
"Argh, alright, alright. As long as you're following me, I might as well teach you to hold your own." Dorcas handed Bartre a hatchet.
"What is this? This isn't worth cutting a block of butter in half!"
"It's a training axe. Now then, we'll use nega...positive reinforcement. Every time you screw up, I'll hit you over the head. Okay?"
"Got it!"
"Okay." Dorcas pulled out his own axe. "Hold your weapon thus."
"Like so?" Bartre asked, mirroring Dorcas's position.
"Good. Now, swing it like." Dorcas swung his axe in a basic downwards attack.
Bartre's train of thought took off in another direction. "Hey look! A fly!"
--SMACK--
"Hey! What was that for!?"
"I repeat, like so" Dorcas swung his axe again.
"Oh, my shoelace is undone..." Bartre bent over to tie it up.
--SMACK--
"Try again."
"There's that fly again."
--SMACK--
"You're hopeless."
"No! Don't give up on me! You're my only hope!"
"...Alright, fine. This will take a while..."
"Alright, Bartre. We'll set up camp here. Even though we could've gone three blocks....you look for food, while I set up camp. Got it?"
"Got it!"
----Twenty minutes later----
"I'm back!" Bartre beamed, stepping into the camp.
"Alright, Bartre. What'd you find?"
"Well, first I found some berries. But they turned out to be poisonous. Then I found some eggs. But they turned out to belong to an eagle."
"...That explains why one is perched on your head."
"And then I went fishing, and BOY were they good! ...So what are you having?"
"Why you little...!!" Dorcas grabbed Bartre by the neck, and started to throttle him.
"ACK! ACK!"
Dorcas let out a sigh of relief. "Finally. After a two day's hike (compared to three blocks...), we're here. So, where are the spices?"
Bartre blinked, and looked around. "What spices?"
"The spices you said that were of supreme quality in this town."
"...OH! Those spices! ...Wait, this is the wrong town."
"...What!?"
"Those were being sold a few towns away..."
Dorcas reached for his satchel, and pulled out a mace. Bartre gulped, and took off running.
"I'll mace you good!" Dorcas bellowed, giving chase.
"Okay, now that we're in the RIGHT town..." Dorcas groweled. "Where. Are. The spices?"
"They're in the marketplace by the...hey! Look!" Bartre stared out over the field near the town, where a trio of noble looking people and a girl were getting ready to fight a group of bandits.
"What now?"
"It's just as the knight at the gates said! It is Lord Eliwood!"
"So it would seem. Now..."
"What is he doing? Is he going to fight those bandits? That is the right, lordly thing to do. Should we not go help them?"
"No. We're here for spices. Now where..."
"Let's goooooo!" Bartre pulled out his axe, and gave his charge.
"Three...blocks..." Dorcas whined, trudging after his "apprentice."