Fire Emblem 7, The Parody
Side Chapter 3: Two Views on Escourting
"Eliwood!" Yoshimo grinned widely. "You're back and in good health!"
Eliwood smirked. "My bones knit quickly" he explained. "It didn't take me too long to recover."
"Excellent! So, now that you're here, why don't we...um..." Yoshimo looked around. "Alright, where the hell is Kozo?"
"Hmm..." the red haired noble scratched his chin. "If I'm not mistaken, Kozo and Acentine are at Zell's studio, begining production of My Emerald."
Yoshimo groaned. "Of all times to continue work on that smut, did it have to be now?"
Chibi-Zell glared daggers at Yoshimo. "I have been sending you that aformentioned smut, and you have been reading that smut from square one!"
"Well, not the smut, per say!" Yoshimo defended. "The de-smutified version, really." He sighed. "Alright, we'll just need to hold off the fans one more time."
Winnie did a triple-sumersault dive from the rafters, landing perfectly on his feet. "Perhaps this would be an oprotune moment to use another of my chapters?" he suggested, pulling a script from his cloak.
Yoshimo took the manuscript, and read it over. He nodded. "Alright, we're going to need Erk, Priscilla and Serra for this one. So where the hell are they?"
"I heard that before our four day weekend began" Dorcas explained, "Priscilla locked herself up in her trailer, and didn't come out. Then, when Erk came back, he joined her in the trailer, and hasn't come out either."
"And what about Serra?" Yoshimo asked.
"Couldn't immediately tell you, although I did see her this morning going towards the trailer with a blow torch."
Yoshimo rolled his eyes. "Can't really piece those two immediately together, can we? Alright, everyone spread out, and get them. We start filming in two hours."
"Erk" said a tall man with silver hair, tied in a ponytail. He had a black, mage's outfit, and a long, flowing cape. "I think it's time we had a talk..."
Erk blinked. "What is it, master Pent?"
"Well, Louise and I were talking, and we decided it's high time that you get a job to prepare you for the real world."
Erk gave them a half-hearted glance. "I do have a job. I'm a waiter at the finest restaurant in town."
A woman with golden blonde hair, also in a ponytail, spoke up. "You can't be a waiter forever. You need something that will really bring in the cash."
"I'm bringing in 70$ a week" Erk explained. "That's 280$ a month. And that's 3080$ a year, after deducting Christimas break, and the two weeks I get off in summer."
"But 3080 gold a year is not enough to live on" Pent continued. "You won't be living with us forever."
"I know. But considering that I am in my late teen years, 3080 a year is satisfactory."
"Well...but...you see..." Louise tried to add in another part to the arguement.
"If I didn't know any better" Erk continued, "I'd say you two just want me out of the house for a few days, because of your hormonal impulses could disturb my yet to be tainted audial..."
Erk sat on his butt on the doorstep of Pent's mansion. His suitcase was by his side, his purse was filled to the brim, and some giggiling was heard behind the door. "Well, I was right..." he shrugged, before getting up. "Just stay out of my room!" He shouted back into the house. "When I come back, I'd prefer clean sheets." He shook his finger menicingly. "And I know what colour they are!"
He picked up his suitcase, and looked at the town square ahead. "So they want me to get a job, huh? Well, no point in just standing out here." With that, Erk set off to seek his fortune.
Which didn't take long. As soon as he reached the town square, a man who was probably a very successful swordsman rushed over to him. He now looked like he was on the brink of madness. "Please, buddy, you gotta help me! How would you like a job!?"
"Uh..."
"Just escourt a young girl. I'll give you 500 gold if you do it!"
"Well..."
"1000!"
"Deal!"
The man shoved another purse of money into Erk's hand, before rushing off, clicking his heels. "Yay! I'm free! Free at last!"
Erk blinked, and looked at the gold in his hand. "Well, at least I've got some gold to take back to Pent and Louise. Now just who..."
At that moment, a pink haired girl, her hair tied in pigtails, rushed over to Erk. "Excuse me, mister" she requested loudly.
"I'm standing right next to you, you don't have to shout" Erk muttered, cleaning his ear out with his index finger.
"I'm looking for my escourt. He screamed something incohearantly, and then ran off with the 1000 gold I gave him at the start of the adventure."
Erk stared at her, before looking at the money in his hand. "I do believe that I'm your new escourt now..." he muttered.
The girl beamed. "Yay! Well, as long as we'll be traveling together, we should get to know eachother! I'm Serra!"
"Erk" Erk said simply, pocketing the other purse.
"Let's go, Erky! We need to get to the next village by nightfall!"
"...It's already nightfall, and the town's three days away."
"So....?"
"So...this is going to be a long trip..."
"Errrrrrrk!" Serra whined. "My feet hurt!"
"So do mine, but you don't hear me complaining" Erk said calmly.
"Get me a horse from that town over there."
"But..."
"Go!"
As Erk entered the town square, his eyes widened, and he rushed over to a plump, middle aged man. "Sir! I will give you 150 gold for that horse!"
"That one? ...Sure, but, you do know it's a donkey..."
"Close enough."
"With three legs..."
"Close..."
"And one eye..."
"Enough!"
"And no tai--"
"I SAID CLOSE ENOUGH!"
"Well, it certainly is an....interesting horse..." Serra said blankly. "So, what about the rest of my stuff?"
"Your...what!?"
Serra groaned, and clenched her hands against her forehead. She threw her arms to either side. "I made you a list of things to get m--" She looked at her right hand, which was still clenched in a fist. She opened her hand, revealing a folded up piece of paper. "Oh wait, here it is."
It was Erk turn to groan.
Serra pouted, and held forward the paper. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go get it!"
Erk growled, and snatched the paper out of her hand, and stomping off. "Get her her stuff, oh I'll get her her stuff!" he said cruelly.
Erk returned with a few shopping bags in his arms. "I got you your stuff" he said, putting it down. "And some poison, and some juice." He held forward a glass of orange juice. "Want a drink?"
"No thanks. I'm not thirsty."
"Damn..."
Erk and Serra were currently on a forested road. Serra was humming a cheery tune, while Erk was reading a small little pocket book. Serra suddenly stopped. A few yards ahead, their backs turned, were a group of surly looking axemen. The cleric beamed. "Look, Erk! It's a group of fellow adventurers!"
"...Serra, let's try to stay out of sight. Those look like bandits."
"Oh, you're just being predjeduce. Yoo-hoo! Hey! Hi there!"
The bandits looked up, and grinned evilly.
Erk opened his mouth several times to speak, before finally sighing, and letting out slowly "Serra, do you try to be an idiot, or does it just come naturally?"
"I'd say naturally" Serra shrugged.
Erk blinked. "You really didn't answer, right? Especially with that sort of..."
The supposed leader of the bandits approached, smirking. "Well, well. If it isn't forlorn lovers walking through the woods."
"I hate her guts."
"But, I'm a generous sort of guy, so I'll make you a deal. If you beat me in a duel, I'll spare the girl's life. Not to sure about you though."
"Could it be the other way around? Please?"
"Not very gentlemanly of you, sir..."
"Just kill her!"
"Draw your sword."
"I don't have one."
"...Axe?"
"No."
"Spear?"
Erk shook his head.
"Well then, this'll be easier than I thought." The bandit raised his axe high, and charged.
Erk smirked. "But I do have..." he said, before flipping his cape back, and shifting his hands in a mystical manner. "Elfire!"
A pillar of flames encircled the bandit, before pelting him with a barrage of fireballs. When the flames passed, the bandit still stood, charred and burned all over. "...Damn" he groaned, before passing out.
"Oh, shit!" muttered a smaller highwayman.
"Run! A mage!" shouted another, before the whole group took off running.
Erk gave a smirk. "And don't come back" he said cooly.
Serra cheered. "Yay! Erk, you were amazing! That was soooo awesome!"
Erk actually blushed, humbled. "Um...ehe..."
"Until that mage showed up and scared you off."
"...Serra, I WAS that mage."
"Oh. You stink."
"A long trip...."
Erk leaned back in his chair. The two had spent the evening at an inn, as far from each other as possible. Serra walked over to the table, carrying breakfast. Erk didn't even look at the meal. "Why is life so cruel to me?"
Serra smiled, and gave a reassuring look. "It's not all bad. You still have me."
"Why is life so cruel to me?"
After finishing off breakfast, the two left, and soon found themselves lost. "Oooh...we're lost! This makes me so mad!" Serra pouted.
Erk sighed. "You told me you were CERTAIN this was the right path" he growled.
"What's your point, Erk? What are you trying to say?"
"...I swear, you are NOT the woman I agreed to escourt!"
"And what's THAT supposed to mean?"
"I heard that someone was needed to escourt a frail, dainty Lycian priestess to Ostia."
"Yes, and I am said frail priestess."
"Frail? You? Serra, you have no need of any escourt to protect yourself. Even the most hardened criminal would flee in terror after only five minutes of your company. So, here's your gold, which I return gladly." He handed her a bag of gold. "Now will you PLEASE go on to Ostia alone?"
Serra shook her head. "You're MY escourt, Erk. MINE! You're so clean, and tidy, and handsome, and well kept, and handsome, and smart..." She stuck her nose up. "A noble woman like myself must be seen with a proper escourt." She smirked at him. "You're personality is nothing special, but you're not bad to look at."
"I believe that's my line" he said, arms folded over his chest. "And you expect me to take you all the way to Ostia? I only hope my nerves can endure the journey..."
"What are you mumbling about? You're so gloomy! Why, I..." she suddenly stopped, and looked over at the field of combat. "What do you suppose is happening over there?"
"Wouldn't know, wouldn't care" Erk sighed, starting to walk away.
"Oooh! It's a fight! Let's check it out!" Serra rushed off to a good watching position.
"...Of course" Erk sighed, watching her run off. "First sign of trouble, and she's just ready to jump in. I wonder if I killed someone important in my past life..."
"Okay, wonderful, people" Yoshimo said through the megaphone. "Now, get the set ready, we're about to start the Erk and Priscilla prequ--" The director stopped, and looked at his megaphone. Tied to it was a squirrel.
"...You...forgot to take that off, did you?" Chibi-Zell asked.
"Shut up."
Winnie sighed. "Humans can be so absent minded."
Yoshimo glared at the ranger/druid. "And I suppose you gnomes are any better?"
Winnie jerked his head up. "What. Did you call me?" he asked coldly.
"I called you a gnome. That's what you are, right, you gnome? I mean, what else am I supposed to call you gnomes? You're very gnomish, and you look like gnomes, and you..."
A throwing dagger appeared in Winnie's hand.
"...are very good, dwarven like people" Yoshimo changed gears.
Erk sighed, and leaned back on his chair. "God, I'm glad that's over. I never want to escourt another person as long as I live."
Matthew blinked. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "You had some laughs, made a few bucks..."
"Not if you keep taking it."
"Come on, I'll buy you a drink."
"I'm not thirsty."
"...Then I'll assume you want your money back."
"Why THANK YOU, Matthew! What a genorous offer!"
"By the way, Erky boy, I heard someone in town needs an escourt. You have experience on the field, and from what I hear, she is nothing like Se--"
"DON'T say that name!"
"What, Serra?"
"Gah! You said it!" With that, Erk stood up, and left.
A young woman with short, red hair, a feather tiara, and a short, white and green dress walked meekly through the streets, a small bit of blush on her cheeks. She bumped into a rather large man. "Oh! I'm sorry..."
"Sorry ain't gonna--" the man started, before noticing her. "Why, hello little lady. What's a doll like you doing walking through a town like this?"
"I...I was just looking for an escourt to..."
"How about I escourt you to my bed?" With that, he reached forward, and grabbed her wrist, and tried to drag her along.
"N..no! Please, let go!"
"Unhand her!" a demanding voice called out.
Both looked up to face who made the shout. Erk rushed towards them. "Did you not hear me the first time? I said let her go."
The big man smirked, and dropped the girl. "And what are you going to do about it?"
"Oh, not much outside of THUNDER!"
A bolt of lightning struck the man. For some reason, he stood unphased. "Was that supposed to work?" he asked.
Erk growled. "Maybe not that, but maybe an ELFIRE!"
The pillar of flame circled the man, and fireballs rained on him. Again, he stood undaunted.
"Oh for crap's sake..." Erk rolled his eyes, before throwing a punch. The big man's jaw felt the full force.
He stood standing. "Was that supposed to hurt?" he asked. He then fell to the ground, out cold.
"Well, that worked..." Erk muttered.
The girl beamed brightly, and jumped for joy. "You were so strong!" she said admiringly. "My name's Priscilla. Could you help me, please? I'll pay you 500 gold."
Erk blushed, and rubbed the back of his neck. "Ah, well...I haven't had the best experience in this busine--"
"I'll even go as high as 1000."
"Deal!"
"Great! I'll just go get my horse!" Priscilla winked, and walked off.
Erk blinked, before kicking the dirt. "I have GOT to stop doing that!"
"But I feel so wrong about it" Priscilla said, looking down at Erk. "It's just not right."
"Don't fret over it" Erk said with a smile. "I'm used to these conditions."
"But...you've been walking for hours." Priscilla brushed her horse's mane. "Are you sure you don't want to switch places?"
Erk waved his hand dismissingly. "I said it's alright. I don't mind the walk."
Priscilla sighed, defeated, and looked around, thinking of things to talk about. She suddenly thought of one. "Erk, you mentioned that you used to escourt someone once, right?"
Erk stared ahead in silence, before finally saying "Once, yes. Wasn't a pleasent experience."
"What went wrong?"
"Well, the person I escourted was whiney, stubborn, obnoxious..."
Seventeen minutes later...
"...picky and stupid."
Priscilla's jaw dropped. "My goodness..."
Erk smiled. "I just had to get that off of my chest."
Suddenly, the two came to a stop. "We got trouble..." Priscilla muttered. Standing a few yards ahead of them were a trio of bandits, speaking amongst each other.
"Great, brigands..." Erk groaned. He looked over at Priscilla. "And I suppose you want to say hi?"
Priscilla looked at Erk quizzically. "I don't know about you, but I want to avoid them if I can."
Erk blinked, before grinning. "Oh my god! She's smart!"
"Hey, there's some noise over there!" one of the brigands stated, before the three approached.
"...If anyone, I blame Serra" Erk said bluntly.
The ring leader of the small group smirked. "Well, looks like some noble twerps. If they don't have some cash on them, their parents should."
Erk held up his hand. "Excuse me, sir" he interupted.
"What?"
"You want to attack us, right?"
"Duh."
"Then...where are your weapons?"
The bandit blinked, before looking down. Unlike usual, his axe wasn't tucked into his belt. He gave a feral growl, before glaring at his cronies. "Damnit, Steve! You were supposed to bring the damn axes!"
"It was my turn last time! It was Carl's turn!"
"No, it was your's, Steve!"
"One of you is going to have to go back in get it!"
"Well, it's not gonna be me!"
"Oh, I'll make it you!"
With that, the three tackled each other, fists flying.
"Well, that worked..." Priscilla muttered.
Erk brushed his nose with his thumb. "Too easy."
"Oh not again..." Prisicilla groaned.
The two were on an open field. And flying towards them were a trio of wyvern riders.
Erk stepped forward. "Leave this to me" he insisted. "I can handle them." He spread his arms wide, mumbling a spell under his breath, before thrusting his arm forward. "THUNDER!"
A bolt of lightning smashed into the furthest Wyvern Rider. After hitting the ground with a loud thud, the rider spoke up werily "I'm not dead..."
Erk started chanting another spell. "ELFIRE!" A barrage of fireballs pelted the second, who also fell with a thud. "I am..."
Although, due to the rules of turnbased, and as he FINALLY made it, Erk had to stand in place while the third stabbed him in the side with his lance.
"Crappy turned based system..." Erk seethed. "THUNDER SPELL!"
--Zap-- CRITICAL HIT
Erk dusted his palms, before slumping to his knees. "Heh, that wasn't as bad as it could've been..."
Priscilla gasped, and rushed over to Erk. "Oh dear, Erk! You're in pain. Here, let me heal you." She raised her staff to her Erk's wound.
As the blue light started to shine, Erk blushed. "My goodness" he muttered. "She's smart, beautiful AND talented..." He blinked, before holding his head in his hand, exasperated. "Did I just say that outloud?"
Priscilla blushed, as the spell was finished. "Do you...really think I'm beautiful?"
"Of course!" Erk said, looking at her directly. "You're the most...I said that out loud too, didn't I?"
"Make way for the son of Marquess Laus, Prince Erik!" The command boomed throughout the small village.
Almost every village came out to see what all the ruckus was about, including Erk and Priscilla, who were paying a visit. At the front was a soldier garbed in shimering red armor. Behind him was a small group of other soldiers in similar suits of armour. In the center of the soldiers was a man with short, sandy-brown hair, and magenta armour.
"Tomorrow is Prince Erik's 18th birthday. As a present from his father, his has come to this village to pick his future bride."
Erk rolled his eyes. "This should be amusing."
Erik looked around, observing each of the girls carefully. He pointed at several. "Let's see....do her, do her, wouldn't do her, do her, who hasn't done her, lose the pigtails and we'll talk, do her, done her..." his eyes fell upon Priscilla. He beamed. "Want her!"
Erk blinked, and looked over at Priscilla. "Please tell me there is someone standing behind you...."
Priscilla checked. "Yes, but...it's a guy."
Erk sighed. "Well, we have no choice. Let's run!" With that, the two bolted for the exit.
"Guards! Stop them!" Erik demanded.
A small group of knights came from out of hiding near the gates, and stood in their way. Erk and Priscilla came to a stop.
Erik smirked. "So, trying to get away, are we? Well, until you accept my proposal of love, you shall remain here!"
Prisicilla blinked. "And how does leaving me trapped here make me love you?"
"...I'll check on you in a few days." With that, Erik and his squadren left.
Side Chapter 3: Two Views on Escourting
"Eliwood!" Yoshimo grinned widely. "You're back and in good health!"
Eliwood smirked. "My bones knit quickly" he explained. "It didn't take me too long to recover."
"Excellent! So, now that you're here, why don't we...um..." Yoshimo looked around. "Alright, where the hell is Kozo?"
"Hmm..." the red haired noble scratched his chin. "If I'm not mistaken, Kozo and Acentine are at Zell's studio, begining production of My Emerald."
Yoshimo groaned. "Of all times to continue work on that smut, did it have to be now?"
Chibi-Zell glared daggers at Yoshimo. "I have been sending you that aformentioned smut, and you have been reading that smut from square one!"
"Well, not the smut, per say!" Yoshimo defended. "The de-smutified version, really." He sighed. "Alright, we'll just need to hold off the fans one more time."
Winnie did a triple-sumersault dive from the rafters, landing perfectly on his feet. "Perhaps this would be an oprotune moment to use another of my chapters?" he suggested, pulling a script from his cloak.
Yoshimo took the manuscript, and read it over. He nodded. "Alright, we're going to need Erk, Priscilla and Serra for this one. So where the hell are they?"
"I heard that before our four day weekend began" Dorcas explained, "Priscilla locked herself up in her trailer, and didn't come out. Then, when Erk came back, he joined her in the trailer, and hasn't come out either."
"And what about Serra?" Yoshimo asked.
"Couldn't immediately tell you, although I did see her this morning going towards the trailer with a blow torch."
Yoshimo rolled his eyes. "Can't really piece those two immediately together, can we? Alright, everyone spread out, and get them. We start filming in two hours."
"Erk" said a tall man with silver hair, tied in a ponytail. He had a black, mage's outfit, and a long, flowing cape. "I think it's time we had a talk..."
Erk blinked. "What is it, master Pent?"
"Well, Louise and I were talking, and we decided it's high time that you get a job to prepare you for the real world."
Erk gave them a half-hearted glance. "I do have a job. I'm a waiter at the finest restaurant in town."
A woman with golden blonde hair, also in a ponytail, spoke up. "You can't be a waiter forever. You need something that will really bring in the cash."
"I'm bringing in 70$ a week" Erk explained. "That's 280$ a month. And that's 3080$ a year, after deducting Christimas break, and the two weeks I get off in summer."
"But 3080 gold a year is not enough to live on" Pent continued. "You won't be living with us forever."
"I know. But considering that I am in my late teen years, 3080 a year is satisfactory."
"Well...but...you see..." Louise tried to add in another part to the arguement.
"If I didn't know any better" Erk continued, "I'd say you two just want me out of the house for a few days, because of your hormonal impulses could disturb my yet to be tainted audial..."
Erk sat on his butt on the doorstep of Pent's mansion. His suitcase was by his side, his purse was filled to the brim, and some giggiling was heard behind the door. "Well, I was right..." he shrugged, before getting up. "Just stay out of my room!" He shouted back into the house. "When I come back, I'd prefer clean sheets." He shook his finger menicingly. "And I know what colour they are!"
He picked up his suitcase, and looked at the town square ahead. "So they want me to get a job, huh? Well, no point in just standing out here." With that, Erk set off to seek his fortune.
Which didn't take long. As soon as he reached the town square, a man who was probably a very successful swordsman rushed over to him. He now looked like he was on the brink of madness. "Please, buddy, you gotta help me! How would you like a job!?"
"Uh..."
"Just escourt a young girl. I'll give you 500 gold if you do it!"
"Well..."
"1000!"
"Deal!"
The man shoved another purse of money into Erk's hand, before rushing off, clicking his heels. "Yay! I'm free! Free at last!"
Erk blinked, and looked at the gold in his hand. "Well, at least I've got some gold to take back to Pent and Louise. Now just who..."
At that moment, a pink haired girl, her hair tied in pigtails, rushed over to Erk. "Excuse me, mister" she requested loudly.
"I'm standing right next to you, you don't have to shout" Erk muttered, cleaning his ear out with his index finger.
"I'm looking for my escourt. He screamed something incohearantly, and then ran off with the 1000 gold I gave him at the start of the adventure."
Erk stared at her, before looking at the money in his hand. "I do believe that I'm your new escourt now..." he muttered.
The girl beamed. "Yay! Well, as long as we'll be traveling together, we should get to know eachother! I'm Serra!"
"Erk" Erk said simply, pocketing the other purse.
"Let's go, Erky! We need to get to the next village by nightfall!"
"...It's already nightfall, and the town's three days away."
"So....?"
"So...this is going to be a long trip..."
"Errrrrrrk!" Serra whined. "My feet hurt!"
"So do mine, but you don't hear me complaining" Erk said calmly.
"Get me a horse from that town over there."
"But..."
"Go!"
As Erk entered the town square, his eyes widened, and he rushed over to a plump, middle aged man. "Sir! I will give you 150 gold for that horse!"
"That one? ...Sure, but, you do know it's a donkey..."
"Close enough."
"With three legs..."
"Close..."
"And one eye..."
"Enough!"
"And no tai--"
"I SAID CLOSE ENOUGH!"
"Well, it certainly is an....interesting horse..." Serra said blankly. "So, what about the rest of my stuff?"
"Your...what!?"
Serra groaned, and clenched her hands against her forehead. She threw her arms to either side. "I made you a list of things to get m--" She looked at her right hand, which was still clenched in a fist. She opened her hand, revealing a folded up piece of paper. "Oh wait, here it is."
It was Erk turn to groan.
Serra pouted, and held forward the paper. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go get it!"
Erk growled, and snatched the paper out of her hand, and stomping off. "Get her her stuff, oh I'll get her her stuff!" he said cruelly.
Erk returned with a few shopping bags in his arms. "I got you your stuff" he said, putting it down. "And some poison, and some juice." He held forward a glass of orange juice. "Want a drink?"
"No thanks. I'm not thirsty."
"Damn..."
Erk and Serra were currently on a forested road. Serra was humming a cheery tune, while Erk was reading a small little pocket book. Serra suddenly stopped. A few yards ahead, their backs turned, were a group of surly looking axemen. The cleric beamed. "Look, Erk! It's a group of fellow adventurers!"
"...Serra, let's try to stay out of sight. Those look like bandits."
"Oh, you're just being predjeduce. Yoo-hoo! Hey! Hi there!"
The bandits looked up, and grinned evilly.
Erk opened his mouth several times to speak, before finally sighing, and letting out slowly "Serra, do you try to be an idiot, or does it just come naturally?"
"I'd say naturally" Serra shrugged.
Erk blinked. "You really didn't answer, right? Especially with that sort of..."
The supposed leader of the bandits approached, smirking. "Well, well. If it isn't forlorn lovers walking through the woods."
"I hate her guts."
"But, I'm a generous sort of guy, so I'll make you a deal. If you beat me in a duel, I'll spare the girl's life. Not to sure about you though."
"Could it be the other way around? Please?"
"Not very gentlemanly of you, sir..."
"Just kill her!"
"Draw your sword."
"I don't have one."
"...Axe?"
"No."
"Spear?"
Erk shook his head.
"Well then, this'll be easier than I thought." The bandit raised his axe high, and charged.
Erk smirked. "But I do have..." he said, before flipping his cape back, and shifting his hands in a mystical manner. "Elfire!"
A pillar of flames encircled the bandit, before pelting him with a barrage of fireballs. When the flames passed, the bandit still stood, charred and burned all over. "...Damn" he groaned, before passing out.
"Oh, shit!" muttered a smaller highwayman.
"Run! A mage!" shouted another, before the whole group took off running.
Erk gave a smirk. "And don't come back" he said cooly.
Serra cheered. "Yay! Erk, you were amazing! That was soooo awesome!"
Erk actually blushed, humbled. "Um...ehe..."
"Until that mage showed up and scared you off."
"...Serra, I WAS that mage."
"Oh. You stink."
"A long trip...."
Erk leaned back in his chair. The two had spent the evening at an inn, as far from each other as possible. Serra walked over to the table, carrying breakfast. Erk didn't even look at the meal. "Why is life so cruel to me?"
Serra smiled, and gave a reassuring look. "It's not all bad. You still have me."
"Why is life so cruel to me?"
After finishing off breakfast, the two left, and soon found themselves lost. "Oooh...we're lost! This makes me so mad!" Serra pouted.
Erk sighed. "You told me you were CERTAIN this was the right path" he growled.
"What's your point, Erk? What are you trying to say?"
"...I swear, you are NOT the woman I agreed to escourt!"
"And what's THAT supposed to mean?"
"I heard that someone was needed to escourt a frail, dainty Lycian priestess to Ostia."
"Yes, and I am said frail priestess."
"Frail? You? Serra, you have no need of any escourt to protect yourself. Even the most hardened criminal would flee in terror after only five minutes of your company. So, here's your gold, which I return gladly." He handed her a bag of gold. "Now will you PLEASE go on to Ostia alone?"
Serra shook her head. "You're MY escourt, Erk. MINE! You're so clean, and tidy, and handsome, and well kept, and handsome, and smart..." She stuck her nose up. "A noble woman like myself must be seen with a proper escourt." She smirked at him. "You're personality is nothing special, but you're not bad to look at."
"I believe that's my line" he said, arms folded over his chest. "And you expect me to take you all the way to Ostia? I only hope my nerves can endure the journey..."
"What are you mumbling about? You're so gloomy! Why, I..." she suddenly stopped, and looked over at the field of combat. "What do you suppose is happening over there?"
"Wouldn't know, wouldn't care" Erk sighed, starting to walk away.
"Oooh! It's a fight! Let's check it out!" Serra rushed off to a good watching position.
"...Of course" Erk sighed, watching her run off. "First sign of trouble, and she's just ready to jump in. I wonder if I killed someone important in my past life..."
"Okay, wonderful, people" Yoshimo said through the megaphone. "Now, get the set ready, we're about to start the Erk and Priscilla prequ--" The director stopped, and looked at his megaphone. Tied to it was a squirrel.
"...You...forgot to take that off, did you?" Chibi-Zell asked.
"Shut up."
Winnie sighed. "Humans can be so absent minded."
Yoshimo glared at the ranger/druid. "And I suppose you gnomes are any better?"
Winnie jerked his head up. "What. Did you call me?" he asked coldly.
"I called you a gnome. That's what you are, right, you gnome? I mean, what else am I supposed to call you gnomes? You're very gnomish, and you look like gnomes, and you..."
A throwing dagger appeared in Winnie's hand.
"...are very good, dwarven like people" Yoshimo changed gears.
Erk sighed, and leaned back on his chair. "God, I'm glad that's over. I never want to escourt another person as long as I live."
Matthew blinked. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "You had some laughs, made a few bucks..."
"Not if you keep taking it."
"Come on, I'll buy you a drink."
"I'm not thirsty."
"...Then I'll assume you want your money back."
"Why THANK YOU, Matthew! What a genorous offer!"
"By the way, Erky boy, I heard someone in town needs an escourt. You have experience on the field, and from what I hear, she is nothing like Se--"
"DON'T say that name!"
"What, Serra?"
"Gah! You said it!" With that, Erk stood up, and left.
A young woman with short, red hair, a feather tiara, and a short, white and green dress walked meekly through the streets, a small bit of blush on her cheeks. She bumped into a rather large man. "Oh! I'm sorry..."
"Sorry ain't gonna--" the man started, before noticing her. "Why, hello little lady. What's a doll like you doing walking through a town like this?"
"I...I was just looking for an escourt to..."
"How about I escourt you to my bed?" With that, he reached forward, and grabbed her wrist, and tried to drag her along.
"N..no! Please, let go!"
"Unhand her!" a demanding voice called out.
Both looked up to face who made the shout. Erk rushed towards them. "Did you not hear me the first time? I said let her go."
The big man smirked, and dropped the girl. "And what are you going to do about it?"
"Oh, not much outside of THUNDER!"
A bolt of lightning struck the man. For some reason, he stood unphased. "Was that supposed to work?" he asked.
Erk growled. "Maybe not that, but maybe an ELFIRE!"
The pillar of flame circled the man, and fireballs rained on him. Again, he stood undaunted.
"Oh for crap's sake..." Erk rolled his eyes, before throwing a punch. The big man's jaw felt the full force.
He stood standing. "Was that supposed to hurt?" he asked. He then fell to the ground, out cold.
"Well, that worked..." Erk muttered.
The girl beamed brightly, and jumped for joy. "You were so strong!" she said admiringly. "My name's Priscilla. Could you help me, please? I'll pay you 500 gold."
Erk blushed, and rubbed the back of his neck. "Ah, well...I haven't had the best experience in this busine--"
"I'll even go as high as 1000."
"Deal!"
"Great! I'll just go get my horse!" Priscilla winked, and walked off.
Erk blinked, before kicking the dirt. "I have GOT to stop doing that!"
"But I feel so wrong about it" Priscilla said, looking down at Erk. "It's just not right."
"Don't fret over it" Erk said with a smile. "I'm used to these conditions."
"But...you've been walking for hours." Priscilla brushed her horse's mane. "Are you sure you don't want to switch places?"
Erk waved his hand dismissingly. "I said it's alright. I don't mind the walk."
Priscilla sighed, defeated, and looked around, thinking of things to talk about. She suddenly thought of one. "Erk, you mentioned that you used to escourt someone once, right?"
Erk stared ahead in silence, before finally saying "Once, yes. Wasn't a pleasent experience."
"What went wrong?"
"Well, the person I escourted was whiney, stubborn, obnoxious..."
Seventeen minutes later...
"...picky and stupid."
Priscilla's jaw dropped. "My goodness..."
Erk smiled. "I just had to get that off of my chest."
Suddenly, the two came to a stop. "We got trouble..." Priscilla muttered. Standing a few yards ahead of them were a trio of bandits, speaking amongst each other.
"Great, brigands..." Erk groaned. He looked over at Priscilla. "And I suppose you want to say hi?"
Priscilla looked at Erk quizzically. "I don't know about you, but I want to avoid them if I can."
Erk blinked, before grinning. "Oh my god! She's smart!"
"Hey, there's some noise over there!" one of the brigands stated, before the three approached.
"...If anyone, I blame Serra" Erk said bluntly.
The ring leader of the small group smirked. "Well, looks like some noble twerps. If they don't have some cash on them, their parents should."
Erk held up his hand. "Excuse me, sir" he interupted.
"What?"
"You want to attack us, right?"
"Duh."
"Then...where are your weapons?"
The bandit blinked, before looking down. Unlike usual, his axe wasn't tucked into his belt. He gave a feral growl, before glaring at his cronies. "Damnit, Steve! You were supposed to bring the damn axes!"
"It was my turn last time! It was Carl's turn!"
"No, it was your's, Steve!"
"One of you is going to have to go back in get it!"
"Well, it's not gonna be me!"
"Oh, I'll make it you!"
With that, the three tackled each other, fists flying.
"Well, that worked..." Priscilla muttered.
Erk brushed his nose with his thumb. "Too easy."
"Oh not again..." Prisicilla groaned.
The two were on an open field. And flying towards them were a trio of wyvern riders.
Erk stepped forward. "Leave this to me" he insisted. "I can handle them." He spread his arms wide, mumbling a spell under his breath, before thrusting his arm forward. "THUNDER!"
A bolt of lightning smashed into the furthest Wyvern Rider. After hitting the ground with a loud thud, the rider spoke up werily "I'm not dead..."
Erk started chanting another spell. "ELFIRE!" A barrage of fireballs pelted the second, who also fell with a thud. "I am..."
Although, due to the rules of turnbased, and as he FINALLY made it, Erk had to stand in place while the third stabbed him in the side with his lance.
"Crappy turned based system..." Erk seethed. "THUNDER SPELL!"
--Zap-- CRITICAL HIT
Erk dusted his palms, before slumping to his knees. "Heh, that wasn't as bad as it could've been..."
Priscilla gasped, and rushed over to Erk. "Oh dear, Erk! You're in pain. Here, let me heal you." She raised her staff to her Erk's wound.
As the blue light started to shine, Erk blushed. "My goodness" he muttered. "She's smart, beautiful AND talented..." He blinked, before holding his head in his hand, exasperated. "Did I just say that outloud?"
Priscilla blushed, as the spell was finished. "Do you...really think I'm beautiful?"
"Of course!" Erk said, looking at her directly. "You're the most...I said that out loud too, didn't I?"
"Make way for the son of Marquess Laus, Prince Erik!" The command boomed throughout the small village.
Almost every village came out to see what all the ruckus was about, including Erk and Priscilla, who were paying a visit. At the front was a soldier garbed in shimering red armor. Behind him was a small group of other soldiers in similar suits of armour. In the center of the soldiers was a man with short, sandy-brown hair, and magenta armour.
"Tomorrow is Prince Erik's 18th birthday. As a present from his father, his has come to this village to pick his future bride."
Erk rolled his eyes. "This should be amusing."
Erik looked around, observing each of the girls carefully. He pointed at several. "Let's see....do her, do her, wouldn't do her, do her, who hasn't done her, lose the pigtails and we'll talk, do her, done her..." his eyes fell upon Priscilla. He beamed. "Want her!"
Erk blinked, and looked over at Priscilla. "Please tell me there is someone standing behind you...."
Priscilla checked. "Yes, but...it's a guy."
Erk sighed. "Well, we have no choice. Let's run!" With that, the two bolted for the exit.
"Guards! Stop them!" Erik demanded.
A small group of knights came from out of hiding near the gates, and stood in their way. Erk and Priscilla came to a stop.
Erik smirked. "So, trying to get away, are we? Well, until you accept my proposal of love, you shall remain here!"
Prisicilla blinked. "And how does leaving me trapped here make me love you?"
"...I'll check on you in a few days." With that, Erik and his squadren left.