Fire Emblem 7, the Parody
Chapter 11: Taking Leave
"And print!" Yoshimo said into the megaphone. He sighed. "And another side chapter done. I wonder how long the fans will be able to take this..."
"Not much longer" a familiar, somewhat cynical voice.
Yoshimo sighed. "Kozo, when someone is talking to themself, you don't ans..." Yoshimo froze, and spun around. "Kozo! You're here!"
Kozo smirked. "In the fleash, pint-size. Now then, when am I..."
Yoshimo looked down, and back up. "Um, Kozo, you're uh..." The director pointed down.
Kozo looked down, and blushed.
--Zip--
"Sorry. Whenever I'm with Acetine, I sorta get carried away. Especially when he gently bites my shoul--"
"Yes, yes, we got it, now please get into costume" Yoshimo interuppted.
Before this chapter begins, we have to show you this little backstory. So we transfer you to Korgan Bloodaxe, who requested to do this bit of the narration.
"Ay, dat be sounding right!" the dwarven battlerager grinned. "Now den...ahem. Once, man and drrragon fought in a war that was called da Scourring...Mankound vanquished the drragons, thunks to the efforts of eight herroes. These moughty generals brought peace to Elibe. The continent was divided into nations, und the people enjoyed an easy prrosperity."
"The herro Hartmut settled in the east und founded Berrrn, famed fur it's military might. Saint Elimine moved west, und her sacrred name flourished amung the artisans of Eturia. The hurseman Hanon's legacy lived un with the noomads of his beloved plains of Sacae. The birthplace of the knight Barigan is now hume to the Knights of Ilia. The Berserker Duban's final glorry was to create a clan of warriors in da Western Isles. The arrchsage Athos is said to have retired in the barren wasteland of....Nevada?"
NaBATA, you moron! NaBATA!
"The barren wasteland of NABATA! Und the heirs of Roland themselves 'ave become the lurds of the Lycian League. Elibe 'as enjoyed peace dat 'as lasted nine-undred und eighty years..."
Thank you, Korgan. I didn't even know you were Scottish.
"I'm a frrricken dwarrf! No where's me paycheck!?"
Here it is.
"WHAT!?!? This meager prrice!"
This was your only appearance, kilt boy.
"Scrrew you too!"
Deep within the Lycian League lies Pherae, a land that has not known conflict for many generations, but now finds itself in deep trouble. Ha ha. Suckers. It's benevolent and beloved ruler, Lord Elbert, has mysteriously vanished. Ooooh. Spooky. As have a number of his sworn men, loyal knights that served by his side.
A month has passed without word from the marquess. Rumors of his death abound. However, the marquess's son still believes his father lives, and has sworn to find him.
Marquess Pherae's son, Eliwood: A red haired youth who will one day become the finest knight in all of Lycia. Well, doesn't that just make him feel special?
"Actually, I'd rather be a fragrance alchemist" Eliwood grinned sheepishly.
Shut up, ya pansy.
"Well, excuse me for wanting to make women smell better."
And your father hasn't disowned you WHY?
"I've got a rapier. Don't make me poke you like there's no tomorrow."
His long journey begins right about....here.
The young noble brushed back his red hair, as a small village came into view. Riding up next to him was a man with short, purple hair, a purple beard, and light brown armor. "Lord Eliwood" the knight said, "we leave on your word."
"Excellent, Marcus" Eliwood smiled. He turned to face the woman who approached him. She was beautiful, with long, purple hair, and a fancy, white dress. "Mother, it is time for me to go."
"Alright" the woman nodded. "But back safely. If I were to lose both you and your father, I don't know what I'd do."
"I'll be back, mother. And with father in tow. Don't worry."
"Okay." The woman held up some paper bags. "I made you some bagged lunches for the trip."
"Aww, thanks mom." Eliwood took the bags, and put them in his pack.
"And an extra sweater in case you get cold."
"Um..thanks."
"And this bag, with six freash pairs of underwear."
"MOTHER!!!" Eliwood started to calm down, as a woman with long, deep blue hair, and sparkling white armor came forward. "Isadora, I trust my mother's safety with you."
"Of course" Isadora nodded. "Mark my word, no harm shall befall your mother."
As Eliwood packed up all his new "equipment", his mother and their escort got ready to head back home. "Well, Marcus, I guess it's just the two of us."
"Not so. My squire Lowen will be joining us. He's in the village as we speak, seeking men and arms for our cause." Marcus sighed. "I'm more used to leaving with a larger force, but it's your call..."
"I wouldn't deprive my mother of a single guard" Eliwood explained. "Our best knights vanished with my father, like Angleberg, Lysander, Harken..."
Marcus flinched. "Ex-ney on the arken-Hay!" he seethed.
"What are you..." Eliwood was about to ask, before turning, and noticing Isadora beginning to tear up. "Oh..oh yeah. They had a little thing going on..."
"Little? Eliwood, before he left, he promised he'd marry her when he came back, and you call it little?"
"He did what to the who now?"
"...What's taking Lowen so long, anyway?" Marcus asked for a change of subject.
"Now left! Go left!" shouted a teenaged, female voice. "Watch out for that tree!"
"I can see the god damn tree!" shouted a lighter, more mature male voice.
"You can see past that hair?" asked a deeper, but still young male voice. "Wow."
"No dissing the do!"
Riding before Marcus and Eliwood was a young man in mustard yellow armor, with green hair spiked on the top, but the bangs going past his eyes, almost touching his nose. "Lord Eliwood! Sir Marcus!" he shouted, paniking.
"Lowen! Calm yourself!" Marcus demanded. "A knight must be in control at all times!"
"Village! Bandits! Attacking! 20 off shoe sale!"
"Bandits!?" Marcus demanded.
"Shoe sale?" Eliwood grinned.
"Actually, I kinda got sweapt up in the moment" Lowen rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not sure about that shoe sale bit."
"Oh..."
"The girl has more information."
A young teen jumped off the horse, and bowed. She wore a simple, country outfit, with a brown, leather cap, and green hair in pig tails. She had a quiver on her back and carried a bow and arrow. "My lord Eliwood" she addressed. "I am Rebecca, the daughter of the village's magistrate. We humbly request your help. Bandits have taken over, you see, and..."
"Say no more" Eliwood smiled. "We're going to help you."
"Oh thank you! Of course, you'll be rewarded."
If you could see his eyes, you could see that Lowen's were filled with dollar signs.
"No reward required. We're doing this for the good of the people."
The dollar signs were cut in half.
"Now, let's go save that village!"
"Yay!" Lowen and Rebecca cheered enthusiastically.
"Yay" sighed Marcus and the other character on Lowen's horse.
"Oh! There's another person here who is willing to help us, lord Eliwood!" Lowen beamed, as said person leapt off. He was a man cloaked in blood red robes, with the symbols of fangs on either shoulder. "His true calling is Shamanisim, but he's also a tactical mastermind."
"Guilty as charged" the shaman shrugged, pulling back his hood. His face was young, maybe fifteen, with short, purple hair, a few scars, and deep, purple eyes. He gave a smirk, revealing a....fang? "My name's Kozo."
"Well met, sir Kozo" Eliwood extended his hand towards the Tactician.
Kozo gave him half a glare. "…This is the prissy-boy noble you were telling me about, Lowen?" he turned to the knight.
"Umm…I didn't…" Lowen gulped, as Marcus glowered over him.
"Did you dare to name our great Lord Eliwood a pansy?" Marcus shouted, as Lowen cowered.
"No, sir, that wasn't what I called him! I mean…" Lowen gulped.
--THWACK--
"WAAAAH!"
Thankfully, the formerly avoided tree intercepted Lowen, keeping him from going far.
"Now then, if we're going to do this, let's lay some ground rules" Kozo growled. "What I say goes. If you've got a problem with it, keep in mind I am the tactician. Understood?"
Eliwood growled. "Now just wait a minute, you're not allowed to…"
Kozo raised his middle finger, a small black energy ball floating around it. "What was that, pansy-boy?"
Eliwood gulped, his courage fleeing him. "N-nothing!" he stuttered.
"Excellent. Obviously we have to move fairly fast, to keep the bandits from totally destroying the village…" Kozo thought for a moment. "And with our numbers, it might be a bit tricky…"
"Well, you're the brilliant tactician!" Eliwood shouted. "You have to come up with something!"
"Yes, and I say we wait" Kozo answered.
"We do what now?" everyone did a double-take.
"We wait. Any moment now the odds should be evened up…" he pointed to a few small houses near them.
Before anything happened, however, a group of bandits jumped out of the woods. Lowen quickly remounted on his horse and began to chop them up with his sword, and Marcus rode alongside of him.
A couple minutes later, two bulky warriors emerged. One had brown hair and a steel headband, and a blue sleeveless shirt. The other was familiar, it was Dorcas.
"Look, Dorcas! It is just like that Knight said! It is Lord Eliwood!" the new warrior pointed towards the group.
"So it seems" Dorcas muttered.
"What is he up to? He must be fighting those bandits! That is a right lordily thing to do, is not it, Dorcas? Should not we go help?"
"No. We're here for spices. Now let's just..."
"Come on! Let's gooooo!" Bartre screamed, rushing into the battle.
"...Three...blocks..." Dorcas groaned, before trudging into the field, axe held limply.
"Alright, time to advance!" Kozo gave the order. Marcus and Lowen rode ahead, Rebecca close behind, just in case bad guys decided to attack from behind the horsemen. Of course, what she wasn't expecting was a bandit to attack from behind HER. He raised his axe to strike, and...
"HEY!" Eliwood shouted, swinging his sword to stab the bandit in the back, killing him.
"Thank you!" Rebecca cheered.
"No problem" Eliwood grinned cheesily, a lens flare reflecting off of his teeth.
--Ting--
"Oh no!" some of the bandits cried.
"It's a cheesy hero figure!" another cried.
"He'll beat us all! Retreat!" the bandits shouted, scattering wildly about.
"Well met, Lord Eliwood!" Dorcas cried over.
"Hey! I know you!" Eliwood pointed. "You were that bulky warrior dude that was with Lyn and the others!" he stuttered out intelligently.
"Yes" Dorcas nodded simply.
"Wow, so, you two know each other?" Bartre gasped. "Wow! I never thought that the great Dorcas would have connections so high up as lords!"
"Shut up" Dorcas whapped him on the back of the head, shutting him up. "This is my…'apprentice'...Bartre"
"That's Bartre the Brave!"
--Whack--
"Whaaaat?" Bartre whined.
"Told you" Kozo muttered. "Now, if you don't mind, only the leader is left" he pointed to the single house remaining.
"I'll take him" Eliwood puffed up his chest importantly, giving another cheesy grin.
"Are you sure we should let him?" Rebecca asked.
Kozo nodded. "He's a pansy, but he needs the experience"
"…Right"
Eliwood walked up to the bandit. "Hello"
"Ha! You think you can defeat me? I am the Great Groznyi!"
"Oh! You mean like a magician! Oh my god! That's so cool!" Eliwood sat down. "Can you show me a trick!"
"You idiot! I'm a bandit!" Groznyi growled. "I'll chop off your puffed-up noble head! You can't defeat me!" he lunged for Eliwood.
"You cannot defeat me!" Eliwood stood up and drew his rapier. "For I have…"
He stabbed the bandit chief straight through the chest.
"…The Poke Of Zorro!" he announced loudly.
"Nooooo!" Groznyi screamed as he fell, dead.
A moment later, people were coming out of their houses, to see Eliwood and the other 'heroes'. The magistrate stepped up to them.
"Many many many thanks! Seriously! We're all indebted to you! Anything you need! Money, food, women…" he blabbered.
Lowen's eyes shone with dollar signs again, under his bangs. Bartre was drooling.
"No thank you!" Eliwood proudly announced. "We're fine, it's all in a day's work and…"
--Whack--
Kozo hit him over the back of the head with his fist.
"You really, truly are an idiot" Kozo growled.
"Well, what? It's a lord's duty to protect his people!" Eliwood responded.
"If only that were true…" the magistrate muttered. "Lord Darin, the Marquess of Laus, is too busy preparing for war…"
"War?" Eliwood blinked. Rebecca shuddered a tad behind him.
"Yes. My brother used to be in Laus, until he ran away for fear of being drafted."
"How unusual" Eliwood shrugged. Marcus tapped him on the shoulder.
"My Lord Eliwood, I…well…don't you think it's strange that your father disappears just as we discover this? Suppose they're connected?"
"Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Eliwood laughed uncontrollably. "You think that pops disappearing is related to a war? Marcus, you're so silly!"
Everybody was glaring at him, except for Kozo, who was too busy shaking his head, sighing.
"…What?" Eliwood asked. "Well, we should be off…" he smiled. "Fare well, fair people!"
"Wait, we're coming too!" Bartre cried out, as they began to leave.
"No we're not" Dorcas quickly corrected him.
"Yes we are!" Bartre shouted. "Wait for us!" he ran after them.
Dorcas groaned. "Three blocks..." He slowly trudged to meet up with the others.
As they arrived, Eliwood told Marcus to stay put, and he returned to where Kozo was still standing, alone.
"Thank you for your guidance, Kozo" Eliwood extended his hand again.
"Don't mention it" Kozo hissed.
"No, I must insist on thanking you, you were so nice to all of--Gack!"
Kozo had one hand at Eliwood's throat. "I SAID DON'T MENTION IT!" he snapped at Eliwood, and he could see fangs in the teen's mouth. Eliwood nodded quickly, and Kozo released him.
"But what are you going to do now?" Eliwood asked.
"Me? No clue" Kozo shrugged.
"Well, why don't you travel with me?" Eliwood asked.
"…With you, pansy-boy?" Kozo blinked. "Why would I?"
"We're just meager travelers, but we're out to try and find my father…won't you help us?" Eliwood asked.
"…Fine, don't got much else better to do…" Kozo shrugged, keeping his real reasoning secret. "But don't except many niceties, pansy-boy"
"Alright…glad to have you aboard" Eliwood sighed, leading him off. "But…can you call me something other than pansy-boy?"
"Okay, fine, Corny McCheese" Kozo shrugged.
"…Go back to pansy-boy"
"As you wish, pansy-boy" Kozo muttered.
"Comeon, father, let me go!" Rebecca shouted.
"No! I forbid it!" the magistrate growled.
"But I have to go with Lord Eliwood! And especially that cutie Lowen!" she shouted, and then immediately blushed.
"…Is that why?" he put his hands on his hips. "Rebecca, I refuse to have you running off just because of some green-haired eyeless knight on horseback and…"
Rebecca was gone.
"…Rebecca? Oh, I give up!"
Yoshimo wiped his brow. "Okay, that should do it." He put his toolbox away, and ahemed, as Chibi-Zell and Bartre entered. "Alright, everyone, it's that time of the show where we turn to The Wheel of Morality!"
"Remind me again why we agreed to do this?" Chibi-Zell mutterd.
"Because we needed an answer to the Wheel of Randomosity" Yoshimo answered.
"You just know that they'll be demanding less of this and more of the other" Bartre informed.
"Wow. He actually brought up a good point" Chibi-Zell pointed out.
"Right then" Yoshimo continued. "Bartre, if you'd do us the honours, please spin the wheel."
Bartre gripped the wheel, and spun it with all his might. The wheel spinned around furiously.
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" Yoshimo sang.
The wheel finally started to slow down, before coming to a complete stop.
"Moral Number 3" Yoshimo stated, as a piece of paper printed out from the printer near the wheel. "And the moral of today's story is..." Yoshimo took the paper, and read it. "Buy two packs of hotdogs and three packs of buns, and you've got a dog per bun. Now stop asking."
"The answer to life's hardest question..." Bartre observed.
"That's what it all comes down to in the end" Chibi-Zell shrugged.
"Right, so until next time" Yoshimo gave his farewell address, "remember that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. ...Whatever the hell that means..."
Chapter 11: Taking Leave
"And print!" Yoshimo said into the megaphone. He sighed. "And another side chapter done. I wonder how long the fans will be able to take this..."
"Not much longer" a familiar, somewhat cynical voice.
Yoshimo sighed. "Kozo, when someone is talking to themself, you don't ans..." Yoshimo froze, and spun around. "Kozo! You're here!"
Kozo smirked. "In the fleash, pint-size. Now then, when am I..."
Yoshimo looked down, and back up. "Um, Kozo, you're uh..." The director pointed down.
Kozo looked down, and blushed.
--Zip--
"Sorry. Whenever I'm with Acetine, I sorta get carried away. Especially when he gently bites my shoul--"
"Yes, yes, we got it, now please get into costume" Yoshimo interuppted.
Before this chapter begins, we have to show you this little backstory. So we transfer you to Korgan Bloodaxe, who requested to do this bit of the narration.
"Ay, dat be sounding right!" the dwarven battlerager grinned. "Now den...ahem. Once, man and drrragon fought in a war that was called da Scourring...Mankound vanquished the drragons, thunks to the efforts of eight herroes. These moughty generals brought peace to Elibe. The continent was divided into nations, und the people enjoyed an easy prrosperity."
"The herro Hartmut settled in the east und founded Berrrn, famed fur it's military might. Saint Elimine moved west, und her sacrred name flourished amung the artisans of Eturia. The hurseman Hanon's legacy lived un with the noomads of his beloved plains of Sacae. The birthplace of the knight Barigan is now hume to the Knights of Ilia. The Berserker Duban's final glorry was to create a clan of warriors in da Western Isles. The arrchsage Athos is said to have retired in the barren wasteland of....Nevada?"
NaBATA, you moron! NaBATA!
"The barren wasteland of NABATA! Und the heirs of Roland themselves 'ave become the lurds of the Lycian League. Elibe 'as enjoyed peace dat 'as lasted nine-undred und eighty years..."
Thank you, Korgan. I didn't even know you were Scottish.
"I'm a frrricken dwarrf! No where's me paycheck!?"
Here it is.
"WHAT!?!? This meager prrice!"
This was your only appearance, kilt boy.
"Scrrew you too!"
Deep within the Lycian League lies Pherae, a land that has not known conflict for many generations, but now finds itself in deep trouble. Ha ha. Suckers. It's benevolent and beloved ruler, Lord Elbert, has mysteriously vanished. Ooooh. Spooky. As have a number of his sworn men, loyal knights that served by his side.
A month has passed without word from the marquess. Rumors of his death abound. However, the marquess's son still believes his father lives, and has sworn to find him.
Marquess Pherae's son, Eliwood: A red haired youth who will one day become the finest knight in all of Lycia. Well, doesn't that just make him feel special?
"Actually, I'd rather be a fragrance alchemist" Eliwood grinned sheepishly.
Shut up, ya pansy.
"Well, excuse me for wanting to make women smell better."
And your father hasn't disowned you WHY?
"I've got a rapier. Don't make me poke you like there's no tomorrow."
His long journey begins right about....here.
The young noble brushed back his red hair, as a small village came into view. Riding up next to him was a man with short, purple hair, a purple beard, and light brown armor. "Lord Eliwood" the knight said, "we leave on your word."
"Excellent, Marcus" Eliwood smiled. He turned to face the woman who approached him. She was beautiful, with long, purple hair, and a fancy, white dress. "Mother, it is time for me to go."
"Alright" the woman nodded. "But back safely. If I were to lose both you and your father, I don't know what I'd do."
"I'll be back, mother. And with father in tow. Don't worry."
"Okay." The woman held up some paper bags. "I made you some bagged lunches for the trip."
"Aww, thanks mom." Eliwood took the bags, and put them in his pack.
"And an extra sweater in case you get cold."
"Um..thanks."
"And this bag, with six freash pairs of underwear."
"MOTHER!!!" Eliwood started to calm down, as a woman with long, deep blue hair, and sparkling white armor came forward. "Isadora, I trust my mother's safety with you."
"Of course" Isadora nodded. "Mark my word, no harm shall befall your mother."
As Eliwood packed up all his new "equipment", his mother and their escort got ready to head back home. "Well, Marcus, I guess it's just the two of us."
"Not so. My squire Lowen will be joining us. He's in the village as we speak, seeking men and arms for our cause." Marcus sighed. "I'm more used to leaving with a larger force, but it's your call..."
"I wouldn't deprive my mother of a single guard" Eliwood explained. "Our best knights vanished with my father, like Angleberg, Lysander, Harken..."
Marcus flinched. "Ex-ney on the arken-Hay!" he seethed.
"What are you..." Eliwood was about to ask, before turning, and noticing Isadora beginning to tear up. "Oh..oh yeah. They had a little thing going on..."
"Little? Eliwood, before he left, he promised he'd marry her when he came back, and you call it little?"
"He did what to the who now?"
"...What's taking Lowen so long, anyway?" Marcus asked for a change of subject.
"Now left! Go left!" shouted a teenaged, female voice. "Watch out for that tree!"
"I can see the god damn tree!" shouted a lighter, more mature male voice.
"You can see past that hair?" asked a deeper, but still young male voice. "Wow."
"No dissing the do!"
Riding before Marcus and Eliwood was a young man in mustard yellow armor, with green hair spiked on the top, but the bangs going past his eyes, almost touching his nose. "Lord Eliwood! Sir Marcus!" he shouted, paniking.
"Lowen! Calm yourself!" Marcus demanded. "A knight must be in control at all times!"
"Village! Bandits! Attacking! 20 off shoe sale!"
"Bandits!?" Marcus demanded.
"Shoe sale?" Eliwood grinned.
"Actually, I kinda got sweapt up in the moment" Lowen rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not sure about that shoe sale bit."
"Oh..."
"The girl has more information."
A young teen jumped off the horse, and bowed. She wore a simple, country outfit, with a brown, leather cap, and green hair in pig tails. She had a quiver on her back and carried a bow and arrow. "My lord Eliwood" she addressed. "I am Rebecca, the daughter of the village's magistrate. We humbly request your help. Bandits have taken over, you see, and..."
"Say no more" Eliwood smiled. "We're going to help you."
"Oh thank you! Of course, you'll be rewarded."
If you could see his eyes, you could see that Lowen's were filled with dollar signs.
"No reward required. We're doing this for the good of the people."
The dollar signs were cut in half.
"Now, let's go save that village!"
"Yay!" Lowen and Rebecca cheered enthusiastically.
"Yay" sighed Marcus and the other character on Lowen's horse.
"Oh! There's another person here who is willing to help us, lord Eliwood!" Lowen beamed, as said person leapt off. He was a man cloaked in blood red robes, with the symbols of fangs on either shoulder. "His true calling is Shamanisim, but he's also a tactical mastermind."
"Guilty as charged" the shaman shrugged, pulling back his hood. His face was young, maybe fifteen, with short, purple hair, a few scars, and deep, purple eyes. He gave a smirk, revealing a....fang? "My name's Kozo."
"Well met, sir Kozo" Eliwood extended his hand towards the Tactician.
Kozo gave him half a glare. "…This is the prissy-boy noble you were telling me about, Lowen?" he turned to the knight.
"Umm…I didn't…" Lowen gulped, as Marcus glowered over him.
"Did you dare to name our great Lord Eliwood a pansy?" Marcus shouted, as Lowen cowered.
"No, sir, that wasn't what I called him! I mean…" Lowen gulped.
--THWACK--
"WAAAAH!"
Thankfully, the formerly avoided tree intercepted Lowen, keeping him from going far.
"Now then, if we're going to do this, let's lay some ground rules" Kozo growled. "What I say goes. If you've got a problem with it, keep in mind I am the tactician. Understood?"
Eliwood growled. "Now just wait a minute, you're not allowed to…"
Kozo raised his middle finger, a small black energy ball floating around it. "What was that, pansy-boy?"
Eliwood gulped, his courage fleeing him. "N-nothing!" he stuttered.
"Excellent. Obviously we have to move fairly fast, to keep the bandits from totally destroying the village…" Kozo thought for a moment. "And with our numbers, it might be a bit tricky…"
"Well, you're the brilliant tactician!" Eliwood shouted. "You have to come up with something!"
"Yes, and I say we wait" Kozo answered.
"We do what now?" everyone did a double-take.
"We wait. Any moment now the odds should be evened up…" he pointed to a few small houses near them.
Before anything happened, however, a group of bandits jumped out of the woods. Lowen quickly remounted on his horse and began to chop them up with his sword, and Marcus rode alongside of him.
A couple minutes later, two bulky warriors emerged. One had brown hair and a steel headband, and a blue sleeveless shirt. The other was familiar, it was Dorcas.
"Look, Dorcas! It is just like that Knight said! It is Lord Eliwood!" the new warrior pointed towards the group.
"So it seems" Dorcas muttered.
"What is he up to? He must be fighting those bandits! That is a right lordily thing to do, is not it, Dorcas? Should not we go help?"
"No. We're here for spices. Now let's just..."
"Come on! Let's gooooo!" Bartre screamed, rushing into the battle.
"...Three...blocks..." Dorcas groaned, before trudging into the field, axe held limply.
"Alright, time to advance!" Kozo gave the order. Marcus and Lowen rode ahead, Rebecca close behind, just in case bad guys decided to attack from behind the horsemen. Of course, what she wasn't expecting was a bandit to attack from behind HER. He raised his axe to strike, and...
"HEY!" Eliwood shouted, swinging his sword to stab the bandit in the back, killing him.
"Thank you!" Rebecca cheered.
"No problem" Eliwood grinned cheesily, a lens flare reflecting off of his teeth.
--Ting--
"Oh no!" some of the bandits cried.
"It's a cheesy hero figure!" another cried.
"He'll beat us all! Retreat!" the bandits shouted, scattering wildly about.
"Well met, Lord Eliwood!" Dorcas cried over.
"Hey! I know you!" Eliwood pointed. "You were that bulky warrior dude that was with Lyn and the others!" he stuttered out intelligently.
"Yes" Dorcas nodded simply.
"Wow, so, you two know each other?" Bartre gasped. "Wow! I never thought that the great Dorcas would have connections so high up as lords!"
"Shut up" Dorcas whapped him on the back of the head, shutting him up. "This is my…'apprentice'...Bartre"
"That's Bartre the Brave!"
--Whack--
"Whaaaat?" Bartre whined.
"Told you" Kozo muttered. "Now, if you don't mind, only the leader is left" he pointed to the single house remaining.
"I'll take him" Eliwood puffed up his chest importantly, giving another cheesy grin.
"Are you sure we should let him?" Rebecca asked.
Kozo nodded. "He's a pansy, but he needs the experience"
"…Right"
Eliwood walked up to the bandit. "Hello"
"Ha! You think you can defeat me? I am the Great Groznyi!"
"Oh! You mean like a magician! Oh my god! That's so cool!" Eliwood sat down. "Can you show me a trick!"
"You idiot! I'm a bandit!" Groznyi growled. "I'll chop off your puffed-up noble head! You can't defeat me!" he lunged for Eliwood.
"You cannot defeat me!" Eliwood stood up and drew his rapier. "For I have…"
He stabbed the bandit chief straight through the chest.
"…The Poke Of Zorro!" he announced loudly.
"Nooooo!" Groznyi screamed as he fell, dead.
A moment later, people were coming out of their houses, to see Eliwood and the other 'heroes'. The magistrate stepped up to them.
"Many many many thanks! Seriously! We're all indebted to you! Anything you need! Money, food, women…" he blabbered.
Lowen's eyes shone with dollar signs again, under his bangs. Bartre was drooling.
"No thank you!" Eliwood proudly announced. "We're fine, it's all in a day's work and…"
--Whack--
Kozo hit him over the back of the head with his fist.
"You really, truly are an idiot" Kozo growled.
"Well, what? It's a lord's duty to protect his people!" Eliwood responded.
"If only that were true…" the magistrate muttered. "Lord Darin, the Marquess of Laus, is too busy preparing for war…"
"War?" Eliwood blinked. Rebecca shuddered a tad behind him.
"Yes. My brother used to be in Laus, until he ran away for fear of being drafted."
"How unusual" Eliwood shrugged. Marcus tapped him on the shoulder.
"My Lord Eliwood, I…well…don't you think it's strange that your father disappears just as we discover this? Suppose they're connected?"
"Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Eliwood laughed uncontrollably. "You think that pops disappearing is related to a war? Marcus, you're so silly!"
Everybody was glaring at him, except for Kozo, who was too busy shaking his head, sighing.
"…What?" Eliwood asked. "Well, we should be off…" he smiled. "Fare well, fair people!"
"Wait, we're coming too!" Bartre cried out, as they began to leave.
"No we're not" Dorcas quickly corrected him.
"Yes we are!" Bartre shouted. "Wait for us!" he ran after them.
Dorcas groaned. "Three blocks..." He slowly trudged to meet up with the others.
As they arrived, Eliwood told Marcus to stay put, and he returned to where Kozo was still standing, alone.
"Thank you for your guidance, Kozo" Eliwood extended his hand again.
"Don't mention it" Kozo hissed.
"No, I must insist on thanking you, you were so nice to all of--Gack!"
Kozo had one hand at Eliwood's throat. "I SAID DON'T MENTION IT!" he snapped at Eliwood, and he could see fangs in the teen's mouth. Eliwood nodded quickly, and Kozo released him.
"But what are you going to do now?" Eliwood asked.
"Me? No clue" Kozo shrugged.
"Well, why don't you travel with me?" Eliwood asked.
"…With you, pansy-boy?" Kozo blinked. "Why would I?"
"We're just meager travelers, but we're out to try and find my father…won't you help us?" Eliwood asked.
"…Fine, don't got much else better to do…" Kozo shrugged, keeping his real reasoning secret. "But don't except many niceties, pansy-boy"
"Alright…glad to have you aboard" Eliwood sighed, leading him off. "But…can you call me something other than pansy-boy?"
"Okay, fine, Corny McCheese" Kozo shrugged.
"…Go back to pansy-boy"
"As you wish, pansy-boy" Kozo muttered.
"Comeon, father, let me go!" Rebecca shouted.
"No! I forbid it!" the magistrate growled.
"But I have to go with Lord Eliwood! And especially that cutie Lowen!" she shouted, and then immediately blushed.
"…Is that why?" he put his hands on his hips. "Rebecca, I refuse to have you running off just because of some green-haired eyeless knight on horseback and…"
Rebecca was gone.
"…Rebecca? Oh, I give up!"
Yoshimo wiped his brow. "Okay, that should do it." He put his toolbox away, and ahemed, as Chibi-Zell and Bartre entered. "Alright, everyone, it's that time of the show where we turn to The Wheel of Morality!"
"Remind me again why we agreed to do this?" Chibi-Zell mutterd.
"Because we needed an answer to the Wheel of Randomosity" Yoshimo answered.
"You just know that they'll be demanding less of this and more of the other" Bartre informed.
"Wow. He actually brought up a good point" Chibi-Zell pointed out.
"Right then" Yoshimo continued. "Bartre, if you'd do us the honours, please spin the wheel."
Bartre gripped the wheel, and spun it with all his might. The wheel spinned around furiously.
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" Yoshimo sang.
The wheel finally started to slow down, before coming to a complete stop.
"Moral Number 3" Yoshimo stated, as a piece of paper printed out from the printer near the wheel. "And the moral of today's story is..." Yoshimo took the paper, and read it. "Buy two packs of hotdogs and three packs of buns, and you've got a dog per bun. Now stop asking."
"The answer to life's hardest question..." Bartre observed.
"That's what it all comes down to in the end" Chibi-Zell shrugged.
"Right, so until next time" Yoshimo gave his farewell address, "remember that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. ...Whatever the hell that means..."