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Chapter 14
Sleep found Xanatos easily that night. He was dead-tired, but not exhausted in the least. It should be a contradiction, but it wasn't, because Xanatos knew very well the difference between tiredness and exhaustion. While exhaustion befell his mind every day, tiredness only came to him rarely. Today he was tired and when he sank into his bed, enjoying the sensation of the soft mattress and pillows, he smiled. Maybe it wasn't so hopeless after all. Maybe all he needed was a purpose again, something to fill his mind so completely that it simply didn't have space for other thoughts. He fell asleep that night with Obi-Wan breathing evenly in the other bed and his mind completely blank.
He woke to someone whimpering. Momentarily disoriented, Xanatos listened intently, trying to figure out where the sound came from. Then he came fully awake with a jolt. Obi-Wan.Sitting up in bed, he looked over to the other Padawan, trying to ascertain whether it was a nightmare that had the boy so distressed or if he was awake and trying to suppress his crying.
"Obi-Wan?"
It was only a whisper, but if he had been awake, it should have gotten the boy's attention. It didn't. Thinking briefly of his vow to let Obi-Wan have his privacy, Xanatos decided that it would probably do him more harm than good in this instance. He crept silently across the room and touched Obi-Wan's shoulder lightly, hoping to get his attention. What he got was far more than he had expected.
With a sudden cry, the young boy shot into a sitting position, twisting away from Xanatos and holding his arms protectively above his head. Startled by the violent reaction, Xanatos took a step back from the bed, staring at Obi-Wan. After a few seconds, when no other movement on Obi-Wan's part followed, he carefully sat down on the edge of the boy's bed.
"Obi-Wan, it's me. It's okay. It was only a nightmare."
Slowly the arms were lowered and Obi-Wan peered at him with wide, fearful eyes. The fear was replaced by horror as he realised where he was. Gulping hard and sitting up straight in his bed, he looked down at the bedspread. In a small voice, he said, "I'm sorry for waking you."
Xanatos laid a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder, but instead of calming the boy, it made him tense up even more. "Don't be sorry. Everyone has nightmares sometimes.Are you okay?"
Shy eyes were lifted to his. "Yes, I am. I'm sorry for worrying you."
Xanatos ignored the second apology of the night. "Should I stay here for a bit?" He wasn't sure if Obi-Wan was too old for that, but it had helped him every time when his Master had sat with him after a nightmare. Although he remembered that he had always felt slightly foolish the morning afterwards when he could think more clearly.
"No, I'm alright."
"Okay. But you know that you can always ask when you need something."
The boy was again staring at the sheets. For a moment Xanatos thought Obi-Wan wouldn't react, but then he said in a whisper, "Yes, I know. Thank you."
"You're welcome, Obi-Wan."
Xanatos went back to his own bed with that strange feeling in his stomach he always got when he woke up in the middle of the night and everything around him seemed slightly surreal. Trying to distract himself from it, he stared out of the window at the fast moving speeders. He looked at them for a long time before sleep finally claimed him again.
The nightmare came as it did every night. Obi-Wan knew that it would, that his Master's voice would be there again, chiding him, lecturing him, shouting at him for being worthless. What he hadn't predicted was that someone would hear. He had never made a sound during his nightmares before. He just couldn't risk it as it would only prove his inability to act like a Jedi. What had changed now? Had his shields become so weak that the suppression of the sounds didn't come naturally to him anymore? Or had he become so weak that he wanted someone to hear, namely Xanatos? Or was it maybe just normal that people cried out in their nightmares?
Obi-Wan looked over at the other Padawan's bed. He was sleeping, but would soon be woken by the alarm clock and Obi-Wan would have to face him. He didn't fear Xanatos' wrath because he knew that the other wouldn't hurt him. Otherwise he wouldn't have shown such patience before. What he feared, was the older Padawan's disappointment. Yesterday had been one of the best days he had had in a long time and now he had destroyed everything with those foolish nightmares. Xanatos would think that he hadn't liked to spend time with him, that the healer's sessions were amounting to nothing.
Obi-Wan wanted to run away, but knew that wasn't an option. For once he would be brave and face what was to come.
Qui-Gon woke his Padawan as usual, finding Obi-Wan already awake. The Master was used to that by now. Obviously the boy was like him in that respect and it was only Xanatos who had trouble leaving the comfort of his bed in the morning.
He was sitting in the common room with a cup of tea when the two Padawans emerged from their room, together as always.
"Good morning."
His cheerful announcement was greeted with a 'good morning, Master Jinn' from Obi-Wan and an indistinct grumble from Xanatos. Qui-Gon grinned at the younger boy and winked, but all he got was an insecure smile. The Master frowned. He had hoped that after the successful healer's session and the day Obi-Wan had had with Xanatos yesterday, the boy would be a bit more open. Maybe something had happened during the night. He made a mental note to ask his Padawan about it later.
Breakfast passed mostly in silence and Xanatos left together with Obi-Wan shortly after. They would speak that afternoon.
Qui-Gon was in the archives helping Mace with some research, when his comlink beeped. He gave his friend an apologetic look and stepped back to have some privacy.
"Jinn."
"Master Jinn? This is Master Migaja. Would you please come to the Healers'wing?"
Qui-Gon was on alert immediately. "Has something happened to Xanatos?"
A short silence filled the air. "No, it is about Obi-Wan."
A thousand possibilities raced through Qui-Gon's mind, but he refrained from asking. "I will be there shortly."
Shutting off his comlink, he turned to Mace and said, "I have some business to attend to. Will you be able to finish on your own?"
Mace looked up from the datapad he was currently studying. "Yes, of course. I'll see you tomorrow for sabacc?"
"I'll be there."
On his way to the healers, Qui-Gon wondered why he hadn't told Mace what was going on and decided that whatever it was that had happened to Obi-Wan, it was probably better to have as few people there as possible.
Qui-Gon was greeted by Melia Jocin, Bruck's Master, who was sitting in the waiting room, but stood up when he entered.
"Qui-Gon. Have they told you what happened?"
"No, I was only asked to come here immediately."
Melia sighed heavily, a frown appearing on her dark face. "It seems that my Padawan and your protégé got into a fight. Neither has any injuries to speak of, but something else must have happened. I don't know what yet."
Qui-Gon nodded, but didn't say anything. They continued to wait in silence until finally Healer Migaja entered the room. The two Masters stood up to greet her.
She nodded at them briefly, her expression serious. "I take it nobody has filled you in on the details yet?"
They both shook their heads and she continued. "Padawans Chun and Kenobi got into a fight, obviously because of a disagreement about your apprentice, Master Jinn."
Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow. "Was Xanatos a part of this?"
"No, as far as I know he hasn't been informed of the events up to now. The fight in itself, while not being what we expect of our Padawans, was not serious, as far as physical injuries go, but obviously things were revealed about Obi-Wan that he would have rather kept secret, especially from Bruck. Master Jocin, normally I wouldn't talk about this with you, but I believe that your Padawan will address the issue and I want you to know the whole story."
She took a deep breath. "Obi-Wan was abused by his Master for almost a year and he bears heavy marks from it. It was that which Bruck accidentally discovered during their fighting."
Melia stared at the healer in shock, opened her mouth to say something, but before any words could form, Qui-Gon said, "How did he react?" He wasn't sure whether he was asking about Bruck or Obi-Wan, but Master Migaja told him what he needed to know.
"I believe that Padawan Chun was shocked himself and reacted the way he always has when faced with situations in which he felt insecure. He taunted Obi-Wan. Padawan Kenobi is in an examining room; I believe you would like to see him and that he could use someone. I assume that shame on his part will be a big problem now. We hadn't worked to the point yet where he freely admitted what Calan did to him and as far as I can see he's still unaware of our knowledge of it. As of yet he has failed to open up to me. Should you have the same problems, it would probably be wise to call Xanatos. I will discuss some details with Master Jocin."
Qui-Gon nodded and moved towards the room Master Migaja had left before. He found Obi-Wan clad in a thin under-tunic sitting on a med-bed, staring down at his hands clasped tightly in his lap, his feet not reaching the floor. His shoulders were slumped and he didn't look up when Qui-Gon entered.
The Master hesitated a moment, then went over to the bed and sat down beside Obi-Wan. He waited for a few seconds, but when the boy didn't start speaking, Qui-Gon asked, "Would you like to talk about what happened?"
Obi-Wan didn't react at first, but then he shook his head, not uttering a sound. Qui-Gon wished Master Migaja had come in here with him to tell him what to do. Maybe the problem was simply that he was too imposing.
"Obi-Wan, would you rather talk to Xanatos?"
Another brief pause and then the boy nodded, still staring at his hands.
"Okay, you just stay here and I will get him." Qui-Gon hoped he sounded reassuring and with that he left the room in search of his Padawan.
Xanatos had just finished his exercise when the young initiate entered the classroom and spoke to his teacher. The Padawan observed it with mild interest, but was surprised when the Master then came towards his desk.
"Padawan Crion, your presence is required in the healers'wing. You can take you things with you."
"What happened?"
The Master raised an eyebrow and said, "I don't know any details, Padawan. You will have to wait to find out more."
Xanatos decided to ignore the slightly disapproving tone. "Yes, Master." The healers' wing? Had something happened to Qui-Gon?But as soon as the thought popped into his head, he realised that someone else was much more likely to be the reason for the request. Obi-Wan.Shoving his datapad into the bag Xanatos quietly left the classroom.
His Master waited for him in the reception area and immediately motioned him over to a chair, his expression worried.
"What happened?"
"Obi-Wan and Bruck had a fight and Bruck discovered the scars Obi-Wan has obviously attained during his time as Calan's Padawan."
Xanatos felt the anger rise in him again. Of course it had been Bruck. What kind of Jedi was the boy? Xanatos wanted to question him right then, but pushed the anger back down, knowing that he wouldn't help Obi-Wan with those actions. Instead he listened to his Master explain what had transpired between the two Padawans and that Master Migaja hadn't been able to reach the boy.
"Can I see him?"
Qui-Gon nodded and motioned towards one of the rooms. "Yes, Padawan. Be careful and call me when you need help."
Obi-Wan didn't look up when Xanatos entered, but kept staring at his hands, even when the older Padawan sat down beside him.
Xanatos took a deep breath and willed his voice not to show the anger he was feeling. "Hi."
No reaction. Obi-Wan wouldn't be the one to start this conversation and Xanatos had no idea how to begin. Okay, just don't scare him off. Show him that you're on his side. "Would you like to tell me why Bruck started a fight?"
He had expected that Obi-Wan would be a bit startled that Xanatos didn't assume he had started it, but again he got no reaction from the boy. He sighed. "Obi-Wan, we need to talk about what happened. I want to help you."
Unexpectedly Obi-Wan looked up and Xanatos could read the pain and sorrow in his eyes, but also something else; disappointment. He didn't have much time to wonder about it when the young boy finally spoke.
"You knew all along, didn't you?"
The breath caught in Xanatos's throat. There were unshed tears in Obi-Wan's eyes and they seemed to beg him to contradict what he had been accused of. The young man swallowed heavily.
"Yes, Obi-Wan. We knew about it."
He wanted to turn away from the betrayal in those eyes, but he had to face this. He had never thought about the fact that not telling Obi-Wan what he knew could be seen as lying. But that was exactly what he had done; he had lied to the boy and through that had confirmed to him that nobody could be trusted.
But he refused to give up that easily. His motives had been different and he would make Obi-Wan see that. He wouldn't lose that hard won trust now. And he would start by telling the young Padawan the whole truth this time.
"Calan told me. I met him one last time before he disappeared on the lower levels. What he did to you was wrong! None of it was your fault; anyone would have suffered the same fate when chosen as his Padawan. It was his anger that made him do what he did and not anything on your part."
Xanatos took a deep breath. Should he really say those things? Master Migaja had said that Obi-Wan had to figure it out for himself. But it was too late for that now.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I never meant to violate your trust. You're worth so much more than Bruck or Calan could ever be. Please believe me."
He waited with bated breath. Then Obi-Wan suddenly moved, shrugging out of the thin tunic he wore. Xanatos's sharp intake of breath was loud in the silent room. The young Padawan's upper body was crisscrossed by scars, some of them already faded, others only a few weeks old. It was obvious that none of them had been treated.
Obi-Wan lifted his eyes, a silent tear sliding down his cheek, waiting for his reaction, awaiting his judgement. Xanatos stared back for a moment, then, slowly, he reached out to brush away the tear.
His voice was a whisper when he spoke. "They're only scars, Obi-Wan. We can start over. You will start over."
He didn't know if what he did was what the healers would approve of, but he was sure that it was the right thing to do. He opened his arms and pulled Obi-Wan into a light hug. The boy stiffened for a moment and then all but threw himself into the older Padawan's embrace, clinging to him and finally, he cried.