Fire Emblem 7, the Parody
Chapter 13: In Search of Truth
Eliwood and company entered Santaruz, only to be attacked by a strange crew. In a desperate moment, they were saved by Eliwood's childhood friend, Hector. Gee, and I thought Eliwood was supposed to be the cheesy action hero.
"What's so cheesy about rescuing an old friend?" Hector asked.
The fact that you did it in the heat of the moment. Anyway, the leader of the strange crew reveals that a mysterious group wants Eliwood dead. Eliwood cannot help but feel that this group is somehow connected to his father's disapperance. In search of more clues on his father's whereabouts, he heads to Castle Santaruz, to speak with Lord Helman, the Marquess.
The purple cloaked man approached the old marquess. "Lord Helman" he said with a short bow.
"Master Ephidel!" Helman yelped, dropping his issue of Juggs, eyes wide. "Erm...what, uh...what brings you here?" He kicked the magazine away.
"You look nervous, Lord Helman. Is something the matter?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, there IS!" Lord Helman stormed over to Ephidel, and gave him the nagging finger. "You said you were only going to frighten Eliwood! Your men almost KILLED him! I've had it up to HERE with you now! When Eliwood gets here, I'm going to tell him all about you and his father."
"We never did anything!" Ephidel defended.
"No...I mean about your group holding his father hostage."
"Oh...ehe...yeah." Ephidel shook his head, before regaining composure. "I knew what you meant. ahem So, you're going traitor on us now?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't lie to Eliwood when he gets here..."
"I'm sorry you had to say that."
"What are you..."
--WHUMP--
"WHAA!" Helman doubled over.
"Looks like we'll have to go on with one less stooge." With that, Ephidel blinked out of the room.
"... ... ...mommie" Helman squeaked.
"We're almost at the Castle" Hector grinned. "Soon we'll find out what the hell is going on."
"Say, why's that knight coming our way?" Eliwood asked. "And why is he wearing an ominous symbol on his chest? And why is freaky, enemy music playing--ah shit."
The knight was wearing a black suit of armor, and had a bald head, with a green beard. "Oy, laddie" he sneered. "In order to speak to Marquess Santaruz, you're going to have to get through me!"
"Um...why?"
"Because I'm the chapter boss, and what I say goes! Now shut up in get into position!"
"Marcus, cut his head off."
"I SAID GET INTO POSITION!"
"On second thought, get into position..."
"Good boy."
I swear to God, there must be a Weasel Bandit Breeding Ground or something. Because yet ANOTHER one glared up at a young man, with a long, green ponytail, a blue nomad's outfit, and a blue head band. "Hey, you!" he barked. "The new guy! What's your name again?"
"Guy" the teen answered.
"Really? Whoa. What would've happened if you were a girl...erm, never mind. Get out there and start lobbing heads!"
"Alright, alright, I'm going!" Guy sighed, as the weasel bandit left. "'course, the smartest thing I could've done was to not have even gotten involved with this ugly crew."
"Who are you callin' ugly!?"
"Nothing!" Guy gave a fake grin, before turning his back on the weasel bandit, growling. Mental note: Never have a soliloquy. There's always someone listening to you. Now, where was I...ah yeah. Well, I had to take this job. I need the money. I'm not going to degrade myself anymore by begging like a poor old sod. If it weren't for that guy...what was his name...Matthew...if it weren't for him, I would've starved to death on those streets.
"How much longer are you going to be staring at your feet!?" the weasel bandit demanded. "Let's GO!"
"Alright, alright! Geez..."
"Well, looks like we're in for another pointless battle" Lowen sighed, getting his weapons ready.
Hector walked over to Kozo, and held forward a small, jeweled pendant. "You might want this" he pointed out.
Kozo stared. "And it's a....?"
"It's something we give all our tacticions in Ostia" Hector explained. "It will give you a birds eye view of the area, also allowing you to zoom in and out of certain locations.
"Oh really?" Kozo smirked evilly, and raised the pendant. It started shimering, and soon, Kozo could see from the clouds, down on the group. He zoomed in on a certain location.
"Hey Matthew" he requested, "would it kill you to undo the rest of that belt? I can almost see the inside."
"Eep!" Matthew squeaked, before tightening the belt, securing his pants on tight.
"Oh, you're no fun" Kozo pouted. He then continued scouting the air, before his jaw dropped.
"Hey, Kozo, something wrong?" Eliwood asked.
"I was just hit by a hot flash" Kozo explained.
"Knowing you, that can't be good" Hector muttered.
"Long, green hair, kept in a ponytail, cool, nomadic outfit..." Kozo muttered. "He looks dreamable."
"Every day, you scare me more and more" Rebecca muttered.
"That sounds like Guy..." Matthew muttered. "Hey, chief, I think I know that guy you're talking about. Just let me speak with him, and he might join our side."
"Kozo shoots for a double, he scores!" Kozo cheered. "Get to it!"
Matthew nodded, and leapt into the bushes, to sneak towards the nomadic swordsman.
"Okay" Kozo continued, getting back on topic. "We'll need someone to go over to the west. There should be something for us in the village there. The rest of us will go south, taking on the enemy. Everybody got that?"
"Got it" the majority nodded. Bartre, however, was preoccupied with something shiney in the dirt.
Dorcas looked down on his apprentice. "I might regret this, but just what is that you're looking at?"
Bartre grinned, and picked up the item. It was a small, nickel pendant. "Shiney round pendant-y thing." He noticed the nearby river, and walked over to skip his new toy.
Dorcas flinched. "That's mine!" he shouted. "It's a pendant containing a picture of my dear Natalie! It's what keeps me going!"
Bartre flicked it. It skipped the water twice before being sucked under, and sweapt away. "Not good fer skipin" Bartre shook his head.
"Why you little..." Dorcas roared, before grabbing Bartre by the neck and strangling him.
Marcus just sighed, and urged his horse towards the village that Kozo pointed out. Well, up until the river, anyway. "...Kozo..."
"Oh yeah. Forgot to mention there's no bridge. You'll have to improvise."
"Well, isn't that just beautiful?" The veteran knight shook his head, before pulling out a highly sharp edged axe. He then looked around, and saw what he was looking for: An old tree, not more than a few yards from his position. Aiming carefully, he threw the axe with all his might, it cutting through the tree perfectly. In fact, the tree hovered for a bit, before falling to its stump, and then over, making a natural bridge.
The axe flew back into Marcus's hand, the paladin smirking. Eliwood, Hector and Oswin all raised up a piece of cardboard paper reading "10". Serra looked over at Kozo. "Well...?"
"I don't care. I still say he's a no-good, worthless, ancient, scraggly, ugly, (censored) third rate paladin" Kozo shook his head.
"Well, you're not nice!"
"And don't get me started about you."
"Fine. Fine. If that's the way you're going to be, I'll just go talk to He--"
Hector bolted off to find the enemy.
"...Low--"
So did Lowen.
"...Eli--"
And Eliwood. And heck, everyone else.
"...Well, I guess I'm stuck with you."
"...(censored)"
Matthew leapt through the trees stealthly, making sure the enemy couldn't hear him or see him.
"Ow! Damn it! Stupid thorns!"
--SMACK--
"Argh! Damn branches!"
Was he lucky the battle was starting when he ran into turbulance.
"Well, at least I'm almost in the cle--"
--WHACK--
Matthew jumped straight into a tree, and slid slowly down, scraping some of the bark off as well. "...Kozo" he mumbled. "I know you can see me and hear me. So next time, could you PLEASE warn me before I run into something?"
"You got it, cutie!"
"And don't call me cutie!"
"Okay, hot stuff."
"...Go back to cutie."
"Righto, cutie!"
Matthew sighed, and continued tree hopping.
--THWACK--
"...Kozo..."
"I wasn't preoccupied trying to look down Guy's shirt, I swear!"
"...No comment. How close am I to Guy?"
"Hopefully, not too close."
"Come again?"
"I mean...um...look for yourself, why don't you?"
Matthew poked his head out of the bushes, yelped, and ducked back into hiding. Arrows plugged into the trees around him. "YOU KNEW THERE WERE ARCHERS OUT THERE, DIDN'T YOU!?"
"Yeah."
"Then why'd you make me look!?"
"Because I like toying with my prey."
"My what?"
"Nothing you should concern yourself with, cutie."
"Grr..." Matthew shook his head, and kept going.
Meanwhile, Marcus trotted his horse through the village. He looked from shop to shop, trying to find out exactly what Kozo wanted him to notice.
"The bake sale?" He guessed, looking over at the bake sale in the middle of the town.
"Nu-uh" Kozo said via his newly aquired omnipotent powers (aren't all tacticians just the evilliest little power gamers?).
"..The fire at 4th and Main?"
"Let 'em fry."
"The creepy old man who's packing things up in a frenzy, dropping somewhat priceless knick-knacks?"
"Regretably, yes..."
"What so important about him?"
"We need to just see him run off to unlock the sub chapter."
"Okay...um...why?"
"Don't ask me. Ask Intelligent Systems."
"Who?"
"Oh, never mind, just do it."
Marcus shrugged, before trotting over towards the old man, who wasn't really THAT old. He had long, blue hair, a receding hair line, thin, beady little moustache, thin, beady little eyes, a purple suit and a long, green cape.
"Swords here, axes there...no, wait, that's the lances. Now, weapons of mass destruction here, hoping that Bush doesn't find them, and to insure protection, some whisky bottles in the guise of priceless war figurines..."
"Excuse me, good sir..." Marcus started.
"No time to talk. Busy, busy, busy! Must get packed up and out of town by 3:30."
"It's 3:27. Now, sir..."
"3:27!? I was sure I had 15 minutes!" With lightning speed in spite of his frail looking old body, the merchant assembled all his things, leapt into his caravan, and urged his horses onward. And even they moved surprisingly fast.
"..Erm...Should I go after him?"
"No, but you might want to pick up what he dropped."
"...The several spoons and dessert forks?"
"No."
"This big, black tome? ...Kinda heavy."
"No, but get that anyway."
"This perfume?"
"Might as well bring it. I'd love to see Serra and Eliwood cat fight for it."
"Hmm... this box of chocolates?"
"Not that either, though it'd make a good gift for Matthew..."
"...All that leaves is...this pile of wood. You don't suppose is caravan his falling apart, do you?"
"They're torches, you idiot."
"Oh. Well, that makes more sense."
"Okay, your job is done. Now report back."
"Right. Mind if I just stay here for a while longer, though?"
"Would you mind staying there forever?"
"Yes."
"Alright, fine."
"Sneak attaccccck!" Bartre screamed at the top of his lungs, leaping out at the enemy, pounding them to a pulp.
"...You know what?" Dorcas asked, as he just tossed an enemy over his shoulder. "You REALLY suck at battle cries."
"You think'd you'd do better at my dreaded sneak attack?" Bartre retorted.
"I know he can do better..." Hector pointed out, pulling his axe out of an enemy knight's armor. "He's barely said anything for the whole trip."
"I figure Serra and Bartre do enough talking for the whole team" Dorcas shrugged.
"What are you suggesting?" Bartre snapped.
As the three bickered amongst themselves, the young myramidon snuck into position. He unsheathed his Killer's Edge, smirking. "They'll never know what hit them" he muttered.
--SNAP--
"Whaaaa!"
--WHACK--
Matthew lay flat on his back. Guy lay flat on his stomach. Both were in pain. "...Kozo" Matthew muttered.
"I can't tell if a branch is weak or not" Kozo laughed. He then smirked. "You two look really cute like that, ya know?"
Both yelped, before leaping off each other. "Wait a sec..." Guy muttered. "Matthew?"
"That's me!" Matthew grinned. "Good to see you again."
"Yeah. I haven't seen you since you loaned me that food."
"It's a shame that we're on opposite sides here, isn't it?"
"Ah well" Guy shrugged, shifting to a fighting stance.
Matthew thought a bit, before snapping his fingers. "Wait a minute, if I remember correctly, you promised me a favour for every piece of meat I gave you."
"You can't prove that!" Guy protested.
"I got the contract, right here" Matthew smirked, pulling out the contract, and pointing to Guy's signature.
"...SON of a..."
"And I think I'll use one of my five right now" Matthew grinned evilly. "Join the party."
"You can't make me!"
"A man of Sacae must keep his word."
"...YOU SUCK! I just got this job, and now you're making me give it up!"
"I've got a job you could do, sweetie" Kozo taunted.
"..." Guy and Matthew's faces paled.
"What? I was just going to ask him to wash my robes. Perverts..."
"Matthew?"
"Yes Guy?"
"Is God hitting on me?"
"God, huh? I've been called many things, but God...that's a new one. You can call me that from now on, sweetie."
"Oh God..."
"Yes?"
"...I wasn't talking to you."
"Could've sworn you were."
"And could you PLEASE get out of my head?"
"Okay, so, we've cleared out all the enemies..." Eliwood looked over the checklist, "as well as the reinfrocements. We've got Guy on our side, and from what Kozo tells us, Marcus already took care of that thing in the village. So, all that's left is...taking care of the enemy leader."
"And ye laddy pucks can ne'r do that!" the seemingly Scottish chapter boss laughed.
"We'll see about that!" Hector laughed, charging at the enemy. He leapt, and came down. The knight raised his lance, the spear head going through Hector's cape. "H...hey! Let me go!"
--Spin-- --Spin-- --Spin-- --Spin-- --FWING--
--CRASH--
"mmph...ow..."
"I shall avenge you, Lord Hector!" Oswin declared, charging at the enemy. One...inch at a time. ...yeah.... "As...soon as I get there..."
"Not...if...I...get..you...first!" the enemy growled, stamping towards Oswin at about the same speed.
"I'll give them half an hour" Rebecca made her bet.
"A day" Serra sighed.
"A month" Kozo placed his vote in.
When suddenly, out of no where, an ash covered Marcus soared into the battle field, before his horse landed, and charged with a mad speed towards the enemy knight. What could be noted, if your eyes were quick enough, is that Marcus had a sack that was almost bulging on his back.
The paladin pulled out a sword, spun it between his two fingers, before driving it through the knight, slicing the knight's upper armor in twain.
Rebecca followed up, pulling out an arrow, and fired at the now exposed body. The arrow tore through the eye, making him half blind.
Marcus's horse skidded to a halt, before turning at a 180 degree, and coming in for another strike, this time with a lance. Spining the lance between his hands without even looking at where it was going, Marcus brought it out just in time to drive home, puncturing the knight's chest.
Again, Eliwood, Hector and Oswin held up their signs, a perfect 10 each.
"Could've done that ten times better" Kozo sneered. "If I had a horse. ...And a lance."
Marcus pointed his nose upwards. "Bah. A shaman like you could never master the lance like a Pheraen Knight."
"Sure I couldn't" Kozo growled.
"What took you so long, Marcus?" Eliwood asked.
"Well, I was over at the village, where there was a merchant who dropped several things. Let's see..." He pulled out a perfume bottle. "One of them being this..."
"Mine!" Serra shouted, jumping up and snatching the perfume bottle, before rushing off before anyone could protest.
"I was half expecting Eliwood to chase after her, but...hey, where'd he go?" Kozo asked.
"He remembered the last thing on the checklist: See Maquess Santaruz" Hector explained.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"I mean really sure?"
"Yes!"
"Just asking."
Marcus continued, searching his bag, before pulling out a small box of chocolates. He handed it to Matthew. "Kozo asked me to give this to you."
"No! I didn't tell you to..." Kozo protested.
"Chocolates!?" Matthew stared at the contents. Normally, he'd be flattered, and quite happy to recieve such a delictible treat, but seeing as who it came from..."I'd like you to have it" he said, shoving it to Guy.
"NO! No..that's fine, keep it!" the nomadic swordsman tried to get away.
"Can't waste a perfectly good favour on this..." Matthew moaned. "Fine...I'll keep it. But I won't like it."
"But I thought you loved chocolates more than anything. Well, except maybe..." Oswin pointed out.
"I know..."
Marcus then pulled the whole sack off. "While I was in the village, I also saved a burning building and attended a bake sale. I bought some more rations, and made 1000 gold."
"Marcus..." Kozo muttered. "This might be the only time I say you did something good. What kind of things did you get?"
"Some breads, white, rye and brown, some bagels, a few cinamon rolls, and some doughtnuts. Jelly, Plain Glazed, and Pure Chocolate."
"...make that second. You got lucky."
"Lord Helman?" Eliwood called out, walking through the castle. "Lord Helman?"
He soon found the old noble, keeled over in the throne room. Eliwood gasped, and ran over to his side. "Lord Helman! What happened?"
"Eliwood..." the marquess squeaked, more high pitched than usual. "Forgive me for what I have done..."
"What are you talking about?" Eliwood asked, obviously ignoring Helman's new, weird voice.
"I've done something terrible...go to marquess Laus. He knows all. And...beware the Black Fang..."
"I will. ...Rest in peace, Lord Helman." With that, Eliwood got up, and left solemnly.
"... ...Um...I'm still alive. Could someone get me a masseuse? Or some cream? ...Or some ice? ...He kicked really hard...anyone?"
"So, what'd he say?" Hector asked, as Eliwood came outside.
"With his dying breath..."
"I'm not dead!"
"He said to go see Marquess Laus."
"Uh-huh" Kozo nodded, who just arrived. "Anything else?"
"Something about...Beware the Black Fang."
Kozo just stared.
"... ...Kozo? Kozo? Yooo-hoo, Kozo?" Lowen waved a hand in front of Kozo's face.
He just kept staring, blankly.
"Did something you say shock him?" Matthew asked.
"Don't know why. Just mentioned the Black Fang" Eliwood shrugged. Matthew thought on this.
Matthew walked over and tapped Kozo's on the skull. "I think it's going to take a good shock to get him back" he sighed, when the shaman didn't respond.
Then a cruel grin crossed his face. "Oh Guy..."
Guy blinked. "What?"
Matthew walked over and whispered something in Guy's ear. The Sacaen jumped. "I WILL NOT! NO WAY, NO HOW!"
"And what if I told you it would be one of your favours? After that you'd only have three left" Matthew smiled.
"But... but..."
"I'm ordering it, now do it" Matthew grinned madly.
Guy flushed a bit. "Umm... oh, fine! But if he wakes up while I'm doing it, Matthew, I'm going to hurt you so bad..."
Then, slowly, he walked over to the stunned tactician and kissed him on the lips.
Kozo blinked quickly, and on reflex wrapped his arms around Guy's back, deepening the kiss.
Guy quickly realised it, and pulled off, turning a harsh gaze on Matthew. "Don't say I didn't warn you..." he pulled out the Killing Edge.
"...Meep?" Matthew jumped, running, Guy after him.
"You back?" Eliwood asked.
"Yep! Let's get going" Kozo smiled, blushing a bit.
"It's that time again!" Yoshimo beamed.
"What, again?" Chibi-Zell groaned. "Who enjoys this kind of dirvel?"
"Yay! Wheel of Morality!" Bartre cheered, clapping his hands, and bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Oh I give up...." Chibi-Zell sighed, before spinning the wheel.
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn!" Yoshimo sang.
The wheel soon came to a stop. "Moral Number 1. And the moral of today's story is....Always try to invest in actual underwear. A paper bag is just gross."
"You could take a lesson from that, Bartre" Chibi-Zell smirked.
"What are you suggesting!?" Bartre snapped.
"Well then, till next time" Yoshimo addressed, "have a good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. ...I'm serious about those bed bugs."
Chapter 13: In Search of Truth
Eliwood and company entered Santaruz, only to be attacked by a strange crew. In a desperate moment, they were saved by Eliwood's childhood friend, Hector. Gee, and I thought Eliwood was supposed to be the cheesy action hero.
"What's so cheesy about rescuing an old friend?" Hector asked.
The fact that you did it in the heat of the moment. Anyway, the leader of the strange crew reveals that a mysterious group wants Eliwood dead. Eliwood cannot help but feel that this group is somehow connected to his father's disapperance. In search of more clues on his father's whereabouts, he heads to Castle Santaruz, to speak with Lord Helman, the Marquess.
The purple cloaked man approached the old marquess. "Lord Helman" he said with a short bow.
"Master Ephidel!" Helman yelped, dropping his issue of Juggs, eyes wide. "Erm...what, uh...what brings you here?" He kicked the magazine away.
"You look nervous, Lord Helman. Is something the matter?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, there IS!" Lord Helman stormed over to Ephidel, and gave him the nagging finger. "You said you were only going to frighten Eliwood! Your men almost KILLED him! I've had it up to HERE with you now! When Eliwood gets here, I'm going to tell him all about you and his father."
"We never did anything!" Ephidel defended.
"No...I mean about your group holding his father hostage."
"Oh...ehe...yeah." Ephidel shook his head, before regaining composure. "I knew what you meant. ahem So, you're going traitor on us now?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't lie to Eliwood when he gets here..."
"I'm sorry you had to say that."
"What are you..."
--WHUMP--
"WHAA!" Helman doubled over.
"Looks like we'll have to go on with one less stooge." With that, Ephidel blinked out of the room.
"... ... ...mommie" Helman squeaked.
"We're almost at the Castle" Hector grinned. "Soon we'll find out what the hell is going on."
"Say, why's that knight coming our way?" Eliwood asked. "And why is he wearing an ominous symbol on his chest? And why is freaky, enemy music playing--ah shit."
The knight was wearing a black suit of armor, and had a bald head, with a green beard. "Oy, laddie" he sneered. "In order to speak to Marquess Santaruz, you're going to have to get through me!"
"Um...why?"
"Because I'm the chapter boss, and what I say goes! Now shut up in get into position!"
"Marcus, cut his head off."
"I SAID GET INTO POSITION!"
"On second thought, get into position..."
"Good boy."
I swear to God, there must be a Weasel Bandit Breeding Ground or something. Because yet ANOTHER one glared up at a young man, with a long, green ponytail, a blue nomad's outfit, and a blue head band. "Hey, you!" he barked. "The new guy! What's your name again?"
"Guy" the teen answered.
"Really? Whoa. What would've happened if you were a girl...erm, never mind. Get out there and start lobbing heads!"
"Alright, alright, I'm going!" Guy sighed, as the weasel bandit left. "'course, the smartest thing I could've done was to not have even gotten involved with this ugly crew."
"Who are you callin' ugly!?"
"Nothing!" Guy gave a fake grin, before turning his back on the weasel bandit, growling. Mental note: Never have a soliloquy. There's always someone listening to you. Now, where was I...ah yeah. Well, I had to take this job. I need the money. I'm not going to degrade myself anymore by begging like a poor old sod. If it weren't for that guy...what was his name...Matthew...if it weren't for him, I would've starved to death on those streets.
"How much longer are you going to be staring at your feet!?" the weasel bandit demanded. "Let's GO!"
"Alright, alright! Geez..."
"Well, looks like we're in for another pointless battle" Lowen sighed, getting his weapons ready.
Hector walked over to Kozo, and held forward a small, jeweled pendant. "You might want this" he pointed out.
Kozo stared. "And it's a....?"
"It's something we give all our tacticions in Ostia" Hector explained. "It will give you a birds eye view of the area, also allowing you to zoom in and out of certain locations.
"Oh really?" Kozo smirked evilly, and raised the pendant. It started shimering, and soon, Kozo could see from the clouds, down on the group. He zoomed in on a certain location.
"Hey Matthew" he requested, "would it kill you to undo the rest of that belt? I can almost see the inside."
"Eep!" Matthew squeaked, before tightening the belt, securing his pants on tight.
"Oh, you're no fun" Kozo pouted. He then continued scouting the air, before his jaw dropped.
"Hey, Kozo, something wrong?" Eliwood asked.
"I was just hit by a hot flash" Kozo explained.
"Knowing you, that can't be good" Hector muttered.
"Long, green hair, kept in a ponytail, cool, nomadic outfit..." Kozo muttered. "He looks dreamable."
"Every day, you scare me more and more" Rebecca muttered.
"That sounds like Guy..." Matthew muttered. "Hey, chief, I think I know that guy you're talking about. Just let me speak with him, and he might join our side."
"Kozo shoots for a double, he scores!" Kozo cheered. "Get to it!"
Matthew nodded, and leapt into the bushes, to sneak towards the nomadic swordsman.
"Okay" Kozo continued, getting back on topic. "We'll need someone to go over to the west. There should be something for us in the village there. The rest of us will go south, taking on the enemy. Everybody got that?"
"Got it" the majority nodded. Bartre, however, was preoccupied with something shiney in the dirt.
Dorcas looked down on his apprentice. "I might regret this, but just what is that you're looking at?"
Bartre grinned, and picked up the item. It was a small, nickel pendant. "Shiney round pendant-y thing." He noticed the nearby river, and walked over to skip his new toy.
Dorcas flinched. "That's mine!" he shouted. "It's a pendant containing a picture of my dear Natalie! It's what keeps me going!"
Bartre flicked it. It skipped the water twice before being sucked under, and sweapt away. "Not good fer skipin" Bartre shook his head.
"Why you little..." Dorcas roared, before grabbing Bartre by the neck and strangling him.
Marcus just sighed, and urged his horse towards the village that Kozo pointed out. Well, up until the river, anyway. "...Kozo..."
"Oh yeah. Forgot to mention there's no bridge. You'll have to improvise."
"Well, isn't that just beautiful?" The veteran knight shook his head, before pulling out a highly sharp edged axe. He then looked around, and saw what he was looking for: An old tree, not more than a few yards from his position. Aiming carefully, he threw the axe with all his might, it cutting through the tree perfectly. In fact, the tree hovered for a bit, before falling to its stump, and then over, making a natural bridge.
The axe flew back into Marcus's hand, the paladin smirking. Eliwood, Hector and Oswin all raised up a piece of cardboard paper reading "10". Serra looked over at Kozo. "Well...?"
"I don't care. I still say he's a no-good, worthless, ancient, scraggly, ugly, (censored) third rate paladin" Kozo shook his head.
"Well, you're not nice!"
"And don't get me started about you."
"Fine. Fine. If that's the way you're going to be, I'll just go talk to He--"
Hector bolted off to find the enemy.
"...Low--"
So did Lowen.
"...Eli--"
And Eliwood. And heck, everyone else.
"...Well, I guess I'm stuck with you."
"...(censored)"
Matthew leapt through the trees stealthly, making sure the enemy couldn't hear him or see him.
"Ow! Damn it! Stupid thorns!"
--SMACK--
"Argh! Damn branches!"
Was he lucky the battle was starting when he ran into turbulance.
"Well, at least I'm almost in the cle--"
--WHACK--
Matthew jumped straight into a tree, and slid slowly down, scraping some of the bark off as well. "...Kozo" he mumbled. "I know you can see me and hear me. So next time, could you PLEASE warn me before I run into something?"
"You got it, cutie!"
"And don't call me cutie!"
"Okay, hot stuff."
"...Go back to cutie."
"Righto, cutie!"
Matthew sighed, and continued tree hopping.
--THWACK--
"...Kozo..."
"I wasn't preoccupied trying to look down Guy's shirt, I swear!"
"...No comment. How close am I to Guy?"
"Hopefully, not too close."
"Come again?"
"I mean...um...look for yourself, why don't you?"
Matthew poked his head out of the bushes, yelped, and ducked back into hiding. Arrows plugged into the trees around him. "YOU KNEW THERE WERE ARCHERS OUT THERE, DIDN'T YOU!?"
"Yeah."
"Then why'd you make me look!?"
"Because I like toying with my prey."
"My what?"
"Nothing you should concern yourself with, cutie."
"Grr..." Matthew shook his head, and kept going.
Meanwhile, Marcus trotted his horse through the village. He looked from shop to shop, trying to find out exactly what Kozo wanted him to notice.
"The bake sale?" He guessed, looking over at the bake sale in the middle of the town.
"Nu-uh" Kozo said via his newly aquired omnipotent powers (aren't all tacticians just the evilliest little power gamers?).
"..The fire at 4th and Main?"
"Let 'em fry."
"The creepy old man who's packing things up in a frenzy, dropping somewhat priceless knick-knacks?"
"Regretably, yes..."
"What so important about him?"
"We need to just see him run off to unlock the sub chapter."
"Okay...um...why?"
"Don't ask me. Ask Intelligent Systems."
"Who?"
"Oh, never mind, just do it."
Marcus shrugged, before trotting over towards the old man, who wasn't really THAT old. He had long, blue hair, a receding hair line, thin, beady little moustache, thin, beady little eyes, a purple suit and a long, green cape.
"Swords here, axes there...no, wait, that's the lances. Now, weapons of mass destruction here, hoping that Bush doesn't find them, and to insure protection, some whisky bottles in the guise of priceless war figurines..."
"Excuse me, good sir..." Marcus started.
"No time to talk. Busy, busy, busy! Must get packed up and out of town by 3:30."
"It's 3:27. Now, sir..."
"3:27!? I was sure I had 15 minutes!" With lightning speed in spite of his frail looking old body, the merchant assembled all his things, leapt into his caravan, and urged his horses onward. And even they moved surprisingly fast.
"..Erm...Should I go after him?"
"No, but you might want to pick up what he dropped."
"...The several spoons and dessert forks?"
"No."
"This big, black tome? ...Kinda heavy."
"No, but get that anyway."
"This perfume?"
"Might as well bring it. I'd love to see Serra and Eliwood cat fight for it."
"Hmm... this box of chocolates?"
"Not that either, though it'd make a good gift for Matthew..."
"...All that leaves is...this pile of wood. You don't suppose is caravan his falling apart, do you?"
"They're torches, you idiot."
"Oh. Well, that makes more sense."
"Okay, your job is done. Now report back."
"Right. Mind if I just stay here for a while longer, though?"
"Would you mind staying there forever?"
"Yes."
"Alright, fine."
"Sneak attaccccck!" Bartre screamed at the top of his lungs, leaping out at the enemy, pounding them to a pulp.
"...You know what?" Dorcas asked, as he just tossed an enemy over his shoulder. "You REALLY suck at battle cries."
"You think'd you'd do better at my dreaded sneak attack?" Bartre retorted.
"I know he can do better..." Hector pointed out, pulling his axe out of an enemy knight's armor. "He's barely said anything for the whole trip."
"I figure Serra and Bartre do enough talking for the whole team" Dorcas shrugged.
"What are you suggesting?" Bartre snapped.
As the three bickered amongst themselves, the young myramidon snuck into position. He unsheathed his Killer's Edge, smirking. "They'll never know what hit them" he muttered.
--SNAP--
"Whaaaa!"
--WHACK--
Matthew lay flat on his back. Guy lay flat on his stomach. Both were in pain. "...Kozo" Matthew muttered.
"I can't tell if a branch is weak or not" Kozo laughed. He then smirked. "You two look really cute like that, ya know?"
Both yelped, before leaping off each other. "Wait a sec..." Guy muttered. "Matthew?"
"That's me!" Matthew grinned. "Good to see you again."
"Yeah. I haven't seen you since you loaned me that food."
"It's a shame that we're on opposite sides here, isn't it?"
"Ah well" Guy shrugged, shifting to a fighting stance.
Matthew thought a bit, before snapping his fingers. "Wait a minute, if I remember correctly, you promised me a favour for every piece of meat I gave you."
"You can't prove that!" Guy protested.
"I got the contract, right here" Matthew smirked, pulling out the contract, and pointing to Guy's signature.
"...SON of a..."
"And I think I'll use one of my five right now" Matthew grinned evilly. "Join the party."
"You can't make me!"
"A man of Sacae must keep his word."
"...YOU SUCK! I just got this job, and now you're making me give it up!"
"I've got a job you could do, sweetie" Kozo taunted.
"..." Guy and Matthew's faces paled.
"What? I was just going to ask him to wash my robes. Perverts..."
"Matthew?"
"Yes Guy?"
"Is God hitting on me?"
"God, huh? I've been called many things, but God...that's a new one. You can call me that from now on, sweetie."
"Oh God..."
"Yes?"
"...I wasn't talking to you."
"Could've sworn you were."
"And could you PLEASE get out of my head?"
"Okay, so, we've cleared out all the enemies..." Eliwood looked over the checklist, "as well as the reinfrocements. We've got Guy on our side, and from what Kozo tells us, Marcus already took care of that thing in the village. So, all that's left is...taking care of the enemy leader."
"And ye laddy pucks can ne'r do that!" the seemingly Scottish chapter boss laughed.
"We'll see about that!" Hector laughed, charging at the enemy. He leapt, and came down. The knight raised his lance, the spear head going through Hector's cape. "H...hey! Let me go!"
--Spin-- --Spin-- --Spin-- --Spin-- --FWING--
--CRASH--
"mmph...ow..."
"I shall avenge you, Lord Hector!" Oswin declared, charging at the enemy. One...inch at a time. ...yeah.... "As...soon as I get there..."
"Not...if...I...get..you...first!" the enemy growled, stamping towards Oswin at about the same speed.
"I'll give them half an hour" Rebecca made her bet.
"A day" Serra sighed.
"A month" Kozo placed his vote in.
When suddenly, out of no where, an ash covered Marcus soared into the battle field, before his horse landed, and charged with a mad speed towards the enemy knight. What could be noted, if your eyes were quick enough, is that Marcus had a sack that was almost bulging on his back.
The paladin pulled out a sword, spun it between his two fingers, before driving it through the knight, slicing the knight's upper armor in twain.
Rebecca followed up, pulling out an arrow, and fired at the now exposed body. The arrow tore through the eye, making him half blind.
Marcus's horse skidded to a halt, before turning at a 180 degree, and coming in for another strike, this time with a lance. Spining the lance between his hands without even looking at where it was going, Marcus brought it out just in time to drive home, puncturing the knight's chest.
Again, Eliwood, Hector and Oswin held up their signs, a perfect 10 each.
"Could've done that ten times better" Kozo sneered. "If I had a horse. ...And a lance."
Marcus pointed his nose upwards. "Bah. A shaman like you could never master the lance like a Pheraen Knight."
"Sure I couldn't" Kozo growled.
"What took you so long, Marcus?" Eliwood asked.
"Well, I was over at the village, where there was a merchant who dropped several things. Let's see..." He pulled out a perfume bottle. "One of them being this..."
"Mine!" Serra shouted, jumping up and snatching the perfume bottle, before rushing off before anyone could protest.
"I was half expecting Eliwood to chase after her, but...hey, where'd he go?" Kozo asked.
"He remembered the last thing on the checklist: See Maquess Santaruz" Hector explained.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"I mean really sure?"
"Yes!"
"Just asking."
Marcus continued, searching his bag, before pulling out a small box of chocolates. He handed it to Matthew. "Kozo asked me to give this to you."
"No! I didn't tell you to..." Kozo protested.
"Chocolates!?" Matthew stared at the contents. Normally, he'd be flattered, and quite happy to recieve such a delictible treat, but seeing as who it came from..."I'd like you to have it" he said, shoving it to Guy.
"NO! No..that's fine, keep it!" the nomadic swordsman tried to get away.
"Can't waste a perfectly good favour on this..." Matthew moaned. "Fine...I'll keep it. But I won't like it."
"But I thought you loved chocolates more than anything. Well, except maybe..." Oswin pointed out.
"I know..."
Marcus then pulled the whole sack off. "While I was in the village, I also saved a burning building and attended a bake sale. I bought some more rations, and made 1000 gold."
"Marcus..." Kozo muttered. "This might be the only time I say you did something good. What kind of things did you get?"
"Some breads, white, rye and brown, some bagels, a few cinamon rolls, and some doughtnuts. Jelly, Plain Glazed, and Pure Chocolate."
"...make that second. You got lucky."
"Lord Helman?" Eliwood called out, walking through the castle. "Lord Helman?"
He soon found the old noble, keeled over in the throne room. Eliwood gasped, and ran over to his side. "Lord Helman! What happened?"
"Eliwood..." the marquess squeaked, more high pitched than usual. "Forgive me for what I have done..."
"What are you talking about?" Eliwood asked, obviously ignoring Helman's new, weird voice.
"I've done something terrible...go to marquess Laus. He knows all. And...beware the Black Fang..."
"I will. ...Rest in peace, Lord Helman." With that, Eliwood got up, and left solemnly.
"... ...Um...I'm still alive. Could someone get me a masseuse? Or some cream? ...Or some ice? ...He kicked really hard...anyone?"
"So, what'd he say?" Hector asked, as Eliwood came outside.
"With his dying breath..."
"I'm not dead!"
"He said to go see Marquess Laus."
"Uh-huh" Kozo nodded, who just arrived. "Anything else?"
"Something about...Beware the Black Fang."
Kozo just stared.
"... ...Kozo? Kozo? Yooo-hoo, Kozo?" Lowen waved a hand in front of Kozo's face.
He just kept staring, blankly.
"Did something you say shock him?" Matthew asked.
"Don't know why. Just mentioned the Black Fang" Eliwood shrugged. Matthew thought on this.
Matthew walked over and tapped Kozo's on the skull. "I think it's going to take a good shock to get him back" he sighed, when the shaman didn't respond.
Then a cruel grin crossed his face. "Oh Guy..."
Guy blinked. "What?"
Matthew walked over and whispered something in Guy's ear. The Sacaen jumped. "I WILL NOT! NO WAY, NO HOW!"
"And what if I told you it would be one of your favours? After that you'd only have three left" Matthew smiled.
"But... but..."
"I'm ordering it, now do it" Matthew grinned madly.
Guy flushed a bit. "Umm... oh, fine! But if he wakes up while I'm doing it, Matthew, I'm going to hurt you so bad..."
Then, slowly, he walked over to the stunned tactician and kissed him on the lips.
Kozo blinked quickly, and on reflex wrapped his arms around Guy's back, deepening the kiss.
Guy quickly realised it, and pulled off, turning a harsh gaze on Matthew. "Don't say I didn't warn you..." he pulled out the Killing Edge.
"...Meep?" Matthew jumped, running, Guy after him.
"You back?" Eliwood asked.
"Yep! Let's get going" Kozo smiled, blushing a bit.
"It's that time again!" Yoshimo beamed.
"What, again?" Chibi-Zell groaned. "Who enjoys this kind of dirvel?"
"Yay! Wheel of Morality!" Bartre cheered, clapping his hands, and bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Oh I give up...." Chibi-Zell sighed, before spinning the wheel.
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn!" Yoshimo sang.
The wheel soon came to a stop. "Moral Number 1. And the moral of today's story is....Always try to invest in actual underwear. A paper bag is just gross."
"You could take a lesson from that, Bartre" Chibi-Zell smirked.
"What are you suggesting!?" Bartre snapped.
"Well then, till next time" Yoshimo addressed, "have a good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. ...I'm serious about those bed bugs."