Fire Emblem 7: The Parody
Chapter 14: False Friends
Author's Note: Remember, in this chapter, watch for the I in Erik's name. It'll help you avoid confusion betweeen and Erk. Thank you.
"You know what?" Yoshimo asked. "Today's special, because we're going to do something a little differently. We're going to do the Wheel of Morality before the chapter!"
"Sounds completely pointless, but okay, what the hell" Chibi Zell shrugged.
Yoshimo took hold of the wheel, and spun it around. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn."
The wheel, however, didn't stop spinning. Yoshimo blinked. "That's weird....maybe we should start the chapter anyway. We'll have your moral at the end, for sure."
The droll merchant, Merlinus, has joined Eliwood's party. The team now continues onward to Laus. The disappearance of Eliwood's father, the preparations for war, the attack on Marquess they all be linked to the power hungry marquess, Darin?
Gee, ya think?
In Eliwood's heart, the need for truth is drowned by fear. Fear of what this truth my be. Now isn't that a lovely circumstance?
A man with a stout face, short blue hair, and deep yellow armor nearly spazzed in his seat. "WHAT!? Marquess Pherae's son is here!?"
"Yes, father" said a teen around Eliwood's age. He had short, dirty blonde hair, a boyish face, and red armor. "We've received word from our look outs. He's just beyond the hills."
"Gee, this sounds sorta familiar" Ephidel muttered.
"Lord Ephidel, what is the meaning of this?" Darin demanded.
"Perhaps Eliwood was able to speak to Lord Helman" Ephidel hypothesized. "He might've gave away our secrets."
"You can't be serious!"
"Hmm...he couldn't have revealed much. That kick was hard, so I'm surprised he didn't pass out."
"Alas!" Darin wailed. "Our plan for naught! It's all over!"
"Hold on, sir" Ephidel waved his hand carelessly. "Even if he DID tell Eliwood everything, since Pherae no longer holds power, all he can do is talk to Marquess Ostia."
"You say it with THAT tone!? If he speaks with Marquess Ostia, he'll have my gizzard on a silver platter with Ranch Dressing!"
"But in order to get to Ostia, he has to get past us" Ephidel pointed out. "So if we intercepted him..."
Darin had a complete change of mood. "Yes! We can shut him up as he passes through here!" He turned to face his soldiers near the throne room doors. "Call out the knights!" he ordered.
"Call out the knights!" the soldiers echoed down the halls. This echo went on until a squadron of cavaliers, archers and knights stepped out of the castle gates.
"Father, let me take care of this!" the youthful knight begged.
"Oh? Tell me, Erik" Darin drummed his fingers on the arms of his throne, "you really think you can handle this?"
"Of course. I used to go to school with Eliwood. Trusting little git. When he sees me, he'll lower his guard and kcccht." Erik dragged his hand across his neck to emphasis his point.
"I see."
"Lord Darin, are you sure we can entrust this to young Erik?"
"He's my son. So he's got my fighting prowess."
"But that's not possible. You're a General, and Erik's a Cavalier. So you're techniques are entirely different and..."
"Erik, go out and bring me Marquess Pherae's little brat's head to me. On a silver platter. With Ranch Dressing. Mmm...Ranch."
"Of course father, I shant fail you!" With that, Erik got up, and left to go encounter Eliwood.
Hector looked around. "Look at this place" he muttered.
All around were soldiers get weapons from local blacksmiths, and even a cavalier listing off people who have been "volunteered" to join the army of Laus.
"He really is preparing for war...what the hell is he planning?" Hector muttered.
Eliwood just stared at all this, saddened.
"Something wrong?" the blue haired noble asked.
"If we go to the castle" Eliwood explained, "and learn the truth, we may have to go to war."
"...So?" Hector asked.
"I've...no love for war...If I concentrate on the foe before me, sure, I'll kick his sorry butt. But if I picture families...innocents who will be affected by our foolish politics? If I imagine that...I can only pray for ways to resolve things peacefully."
"coughclichècough" Bartre coughed.
--THAWK-- Dorcas smacked his fellow fighter upside the head.
"Ow!"
"Eliwood..." Hector started.
"My lords!" Marcus caught their attention, as he and Lowen rode towards them.
"A knight has ridden forth from the castle!" Lowen reported.
"A lone knight?" Eliwood asked, eyebrow raised.
"Yes. And it appears to be Marquess Laus's son" Marcus pointed out. "He caught up to us, and asked to see you."
"Erik wishes to speak with us, hmm?" Eliwood asked to make sure he heard right.
"Argh. Did they have to send THAT little prat, of all people?" Hector complained.
"I'll speak with him" Eliwood nodded.
"Fine. I'll just be over there."
"Yay! Lord Hector's actually going to look my way and speak with me!"
"...On second thought, I'll be over there..."
"Damnit!"
Lowen pulled out two flags, and started waving them in Erik's direction.
"I almost forgot you went to Cub Scouts as well, Lowen" Eliwood beamed.
"Thanks" the eyeless knight...
"I do have eyes, you know."
Oh really?
"Yeah." Lowen put down his flags, and pulled back his hair, revealing two large, red, creepy eyes.
OH MY GOD, MAN!
"See why I grew my bangs out?" Lowen asked, removing his hand. "Anyways, I signaled Erik over. Of course, I added a little insult, but he shouldn't be able to figure that one out. He got a C Minus on the Flag Exam."
Erik rode over, and turned to face Lowen. "Thank you. I did notice I lost weight."
Lowen chuckled, as Erik went over to talk with Eliwood. Marcus rode over to Lowen, shaking his head. "Did you see that?" Lowen laughed. "He thought I was giving him a compliment."
"You did" Marcus pointed out. "I do believe it was you who got that C Minus."
"...Now that you mention it..."
"Eliwood, it's been a while" Erik grinned, bringing his hand down to shake Eliwood's. However, he brought it down so quickly and at such an angle, he ended up karate chopping Eliwood's head. The red haired noble passed out. Erik grinned a mock grin. "Oops."
Serra walked over to Eliwood, and tapped his skull with her staff. Eliwood slowly regained consciousness. "Gah...Erik...what do you want?" Eliwood asked.
Erik blinked. "I just came out here to say hello and welcome you to Laus. We are nobles, you know. So..why are you in Laus? On your way to Ostia perhaps?"
"And you assume that...why?" Eliwood asked.
"Well, you're Hector's old buddy old pal, and I figured that if anyone, it'd be Ostia you turn to when you discover something terrible about Laus so that you can report this incident and...oops."
"I knew it!" Hector shouted, rushing over. It took the combined forces of Oswin and Matthew to hold him back.
"Eep! Hector! What are you..." Erik blubbered.
"Doesn't matter!" Eliwood drew his rapier. "Why are you preparing for battle?"
"Which one? The one with all of Lycia or just against you?"
"What now?" Hector asked.
From out of no where, a small army of Lausian soldiers swarmed out of the bushes.
"Oh..." Hector started.
"Drat!" Marcus finished.
"...Actually, I was going to say sh--"
"HECTOR!"
"What!? We've cursed several times before? Why do we stop now?"
"Because we are better people than that!" Marcus snapped.
"Because we are better people than that..." Hector mocked.
Marcus gave a deadly glare.
"...I'll be quiet."
By this time, Erik had already gone to meet with his troops, and an old woman had approached. She had gray hair, wrinkled old face, a few gold teeth, and an oversized cloak over her tiny body. "Hello, boys" she grinned.
"Wha...who the hell are you!?" Hector snapped.
"I am Hannah, and I am a fortune teller" the old woman explained. "I've come to speak to the one searching for Marquess Pherae."
"You'll have to be more specific" Hector pointed out.
"His son."
"...Eliwood."
"Here he is."
"Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?" Hannah asked Eliwood, as he stepped forward.
"You have no idea..." Eliwood muttered.
"As I said, I am a fortune teller, and I can help you."
"Oh! You know where my father is?"
"No..."
"Do you know when I'll get a girlfriend?"
"Not that either..."
"...What I have to do about this weird spot on my stomach?" Eliwood lifted his armor, revealing a brown stain on his belly.
"That's dried chocolate."
"...So it is."
"What I can do is tell you what and who to bring into battle."
"I see. This could be interesting."
"Excellent. Just insert five gold into the coin slot, and I can foresee the slot?" Hector asked.
Hannah reached up, and pulled down one of the sleeves on her robes, revealing, on her old lady shoulder, a gold rimmed coin slot.
"OH MY GOD!" Hector screamed, averting his eyes.
"Come on, come on, you want your fortune or not?" Hannah asked.
"This is so wrong..." Eliwood groaned, stepping forward, and slowly placing five coins in.
Hannah replaced her sleeve, and raised her arms. "Silence please..." she requested. She concentrated, before opening her eyes again. "Many enemies use lances. A few axe wielders will come in handy."
"Boo-ya!" Bartre cheered. Hector woofed. Dorcas just smirked.
"And if you bring that shrewish cleric girl, she'll meet an old friend."
"Oh!" Serra cheered. "Is is Lyndis?"
"No..."
"Florina?"
"Nu-uh."
"Lucius?"
"Nope."
"Wil?"
"No dice."
"Dorcas?"
"..." The axefighter just stared blankly, before stating loudly, "Wrong."
"Sain? Kent? Wallace?"
"Niet. Nada. Try again."
"Rath?"
"Sorry."
"Matthew?"
"I'm right here, you idiot" Matthew grumbled.
"Um...Lyn?"
"You already said that."
"Wallace?"
"That too."
"Then...I give up."
"...Can she really be this stupid?" Oswin asked in a whisper.
"You have NO idea..." Matthew answered.
Marcus readied his lance, and stared out over the field of battle. "Sir Kozo, let me take the front!" he requested. "There may be many of them, but we are knights of Pherae! I can kick their butts from here to Pasadena!"
"..." Kozo leaned in Guy's direction. "Where's Pasadena?" he asked.
Meanwhile, over in a nearby village, a purple haired, teenaged mage brushed some hair out of his eyes. "So, I'm not getting any help here?"
"Sorry, sir" said a balding man with a puffy moustache. "We cannot go against the marquess. He would have our gizzards on a silver platter with Ranch Dressing. That man sure loves his Ranch Dressing..."
"No kidding" Erk muttered. "I guess I'm just going to get Priscilla out of here without your help."
The man shrugged. "I'm sorry none of us can help."
"Meh, I figured you villagers wouldn't have done me good anyway." With that, Erk left the village, just in time to see the action starting. "Well, knowing my luck, someone among this small group should be willing to help us."
Down near another village, a young woman sat down on a stump, and sighed. She had short, fiery red hair, a feathery tiara, and a short, white dress. She rested her head in her hands, as her green eyes glistened.
A big looking man walked over to her. "Your escort hasn't returned yet, has he?" he asked.
"No..." the woman shook her head. "He left yesterday to find someone who could help me get out of here. I just hope he wasn't captured..."
"I'm sorry we can do nothing to help you, Lady Priscilla" the big man sighed.
Priscilla smiled up at him. "Ah, that's okay. You could've turned me into the marquess days ago, and yet you continue to give me haven."
"Mainly because we can't let you leave. There are guards posted around the village, making sure you don't escape. I just hope they will defend against pirates..."
"P..pirates?" Priscilla stuttered.
"Yes. Pirates tend to come onto shore and attack. Usually, Marquess Laus sends a small troop over to drive them out, but now that he seems to be busy, if the pirates decide to attack now and those guards aren't enough...we're doomed."
Priscilla gasped, and looked out over to the beach. "Erk...hurry..."
Marcus raised his lance, and blocked the attack from his opponent. Lowen swooped in, and knocked the opponent off his horse. The veteran paladin nodded at his student. "Nice work" he congratulated.
"Thanks" Lowen grinned sheepishly.
Meanwhile, Rebecca and Bartre were busy keeping swarming enemies from attacking Merlinus. However, one was able to sneak by, and raised his sword to attack.
"I didn't want to do this..." the fussy merchant sighed, before digging into one of the large crates, and pulling out a large, black coated book. He opened it to a certain page, and started reading aloud. The ground under the opponent's feet began to rumble, before seven runes of black energy smashed into him, and a pillar of dark matter engulfed him.
Kozo just stared. When the magic passed, he rushed over to Merlinus, and grabbed the book. "Mine!" he shouted, before flipping through pages.
Dorcas, meanwhile, had just tossed a soldier aside, when he noticed a certain, teen mage throwing lightning spells at various opponents. "Hello..." he smirked. "Say, Serra?"
"Serra!" Serra chirped.
"...Doesn't that guy look familiar?" Dorcas pointed out.
Serra gasped, as she spotted Erk nearby. She raced over towards him.
As another cavalier came towards Erk, he smirked, and readied another lightning spell.
"Eeeeeeeeee!" Serra cheered, rushing towards Erk. This caught the teen's attention, as Serra had ran into him, trapping him in a tight hug.
Erk failed his arms, as the lightning spell went off. "Damnit, Serra!" Erk shouted. "You made me waste my shot!"
The bolt bounced off a sign, hit a pot, ricocheted over to a blacksmith's anvil, and into the back of the cavalier. He was sent flying over the mage and the cleric.
"Oh, Erky!" Serra cheered, rubbing her face in Erk's chest. "It's been so long!"
"Serra, you're the last person I wanted to see..." Erk groaned.
"Aww! How sweet! You wanted to see me again!"
"Rekgeck..." Erk choked, a vein bulging.
"Erk, this is so perfect! I can introduce you to Lord Eliwood, and Lord Hector, and you can be my escort again!"
"I already HAVE someone to escort, Serra. ...Actually..." Erk got Serra to let go of him. "There might be a way we can work together. You get this group to help me save Priscilla, and I'll join you."
"Yay!" Serra hugged Erk again.
"LEGGO!"
Serra let go, and called out to Marcus. The old paladin rode up next to them. "Take this purple haired cutie to where he needs to get to. I know he can be a valued addition to the party."
"Certainly" Marcus nodded, as Erk got onto the horse. "So, where to?"
"Anywhere far, far away from HER" Erk nudged towards Serra. "But I need to get to the village near the beach. Think you can..."
--ZOOM--
"Get theeeeere?" Erk screamed, as Marcus's horse bolted off in a frightening burst of speed.
Priscilla looked up, and noticed a horse riding as quick as it could towards the village. "Great..." she muttered. "Another messenger from that jerk, Erik...wait a sec..."
The guards around the village readied their weapons. A ball of fire shot out, and engulfed one of the guards. The rider pulled out his sword, and cut down another enemy guard.
Priscilla stood up, gripping her healing staff tightly. She eased up, as she saw a familiar mage leap off the horse, and ran towards the village.
"Erk!" she cheered, rushing over to the mage, and trapping him in a tight hug. Erk blushed, and tried to get now..." he stuttered, finally getting himself free. "We can get all happy and gushy when this battle is over."
Priscilla tilted her head. "Battle?"
Marcus trotted forward. "Yes, m'lady" he nodded. "Currently, our party is being attacked by a small squadron of Laus soldiers. Erik is their commander."
Priscilla gasped. "That utter creep!"
"Exactly" Erk nodded. "So, shall we go confront him?"
Priscilla nodded, and the three re-entered the battle.
At that precise moment, three rowing boats landed near the three. Nine seadogs climbed out, and spun their axes threateningly, approaching their pray.
Priscilla yelped, and hid behind Erk. Marcus smirked, and drew out his sword. "This shouldn't be a problem" he muttered.
With that, Marcus leapt into the fray, and started swinging his sword around, taking out pirates left and right. Erk offered assistance, throwing Fire and Thunder spells at the enemy.
Soon, the nine pirates lay defeated at Marcus's horse's hooves. Marcus, however, had several bleeding scratches on his cheeks. Priscilla rushed over to him. "Here, let me help you" she offered, holding up her staff. A large blue light engulfed the two. When it passed, Marcus was back to perfect health.
"Ah, a cleric, are we?" Marcus grinned.
Priscilla shrugged. "Yes and no. I'm actually a troubadour. Let me just get my horse..." With that, Priscilla rushed back to the village. She returned a few minutes later atop a brushy looking horse.
Now that everything was settled, the three re-entered the battle field.
Bodies of dead soldiers and cavaliers and archers littered the area. Bartre and Hector were just having the times of their lives, while Dorcas and Oswin kept their stern expression. Eliwood was hovering around Rebecca, making sure anyone who got too close would taste steel.
Back at the castle, Erik gulped. "They're stronger than I thought." He turned to one of his soldiers. "Head to the castle! Get more troops!"
Back at the castle, Darin was about to send more troops, before Ephidel clicked his tongue and shook his head. "What, these numbers can't stop them?" With that, the dark cloaked man picked up his bags, and started to leave.
"Ephidel! Where are you going!?" Darin demanded.
"It appears that Laus really can't help us. I'll just return to the boss and tell him to call back the Black Fang. Good day."
"No! You can't leave us now! Not after we've come so far!"
"Well...alright. Come along."
"Excellent! I'll just get my son, and..."
"Leave again?"
"I said leave the brat behind. He'll only slow us down."
"But...Erik is my son! We can't just leave him here to die!"
"Sacrifices must be made in order to rule the world. Isn't that right, my lord?"
"I...suppose...yes." With that, Darin left to get his bags, and returned with three suitcases tucked under his arms. "Okay, let's go."
"God damn it, where are those reinforcements!?" Erik screamed. He started hopping up and down, flailing his arms. "We're going to lose and my father is leaving me to die!? What kind of a father is he!? I should report him to child services! Why I..."
He suddenly felt a delicate arm shake him. He spun around, and noticed Priscilla staring him in the eye. He beamed. "Ah, lovely Priscilla. So, have you finally come to accept my love and live with me in..."
--WHOMP--
Meanwhile, Darin and Ephidel were going as fast as they could away from the castle. "You think Erik will be okay?" Marquess Laus asked.
"AIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!" came a high pitched shriek.
"He'll be fine."
Erik curled into a fetal position, clenching his pride and joy, while Priscilla returned to the group.
Finally, the cavalier stood back up. "I'll...take you all on myself if I have to!" he growled.
"Hey Lowen!" Eliwood shouted to the green haired knight. "This guy said your hot dogs suck!"
"YAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!" Lowen screamed in primal fury, pouncing at Erik, and beating him out of his senses and back. Rebecca and Erk just gaped.
With that, Lowen got back up, and left a twitching Erik on the ground.
Of course, the group wasn't finished having fun with this situation. "Hey Bartre!" Dorcas shouted out. "This guy said something bad about your mother!"
"MY MOMMA WAS A SAINT!" Bartre screamed, pouncing at Erik, beating him even harder than Lowen did. Dorcas just nodded.
After that, Bartre got back up, and massaged his fists. "Pain...searing pain..." Erik groaned.
"Hey Kozo!" Hector called out, wanting in on the fun. "This guy made a comparison between you and Doctor Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show!"
"GAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Kozo hollered, lunging at Erik.
Screams of pain and agony emitted from the dust cloud that grew around the two. Rebecca averted her eyes, Hector tried his best to see past the dust.
Soon, the dust settled, and Kozo walked away, clapping the dust off his hands. Erik was bleeding in various places, and he was hog tied.
Hector crouched down next to Erik, smirking. "Okay, bub. You tell us all about what your daddy's been planning."
"Why should I!?" Erik demanded.
"Tell us, or I tell Kozo some more things you said about him."
"I don't even know the guy!"
"But he doesn't know what you don't know. So, going to talk or not?"
"I'll talk! I'll talk!"
"Good. Now, tell us all about it."
"A man named Ephidel appeared at the castle a year ago. He came and my father changed. See, Ostia's position always bugged the crap out of dad, as he figured Laus deserved to rule Lycia."
Hector snorted.
"Mind your manners!" Marcus barked, smacking Hector upside the head.
"But he'd never gone as far as...rebellion..." Erik continued.
"What!?" Eliwood yelped.
"Ephidel had something, and it convinced dad to go to rebellion. He sent messages to several other marquesses to see is they'd join in on the action. First, Marquess Santaruz. Then, Marquess Pherae. Then the Eggeltons..."
"Wait, Pherae!?" Eliwood gaped.
"Yes. He arrived here six months ago to seal his approval. 'course, he didn't really trust Ephidel. He was always trying to convince dad to send him and the Black Fang outta here. Dad wouldn't listen, so Marquess Pherae left the castle. As you should know, he's gone missing, and I'm sure that he's pushing up daises as we speak."
"Bull..." Hector started, but looked at Marcus, who was glaring daggers at the Ostian noble. Hector just ended it there.
"Eliwood said he wanted to know everything" Erik shrugged as best as he could with the hog-tie. "My father...he's Ephidel's puppet. He'll listen to anything that creepy bastard..."
--WHACK--
"Thank you, Eliwood" Marcus nodded.
"No problem."
"ow...tells him. Even watch his own son...die...Those are the kind of people you're dealing with. Marquess Pherae betrayed them. So I'm sure they executed corporal punishment."
"Thank you, Erik..." Eliwood said sadly. "We've heard enough." With that, the group left.
"Can we kill him now?" Kozo asked.
"No" Marcus shook his head.
"How about now?"
"No."
"Now? How about now? No? ...maybe?"
"No, God damn it! No!"
"So, are you really coming with us, Erk?" Serra asked, hands clapped together.
Erk nodded. "I figured I might as well."
"How romantic! You go out of your way just to be with me again!" Serra gave Erk a big hug.
"HANDS OFF!" Erk shouted, and shoved Serra away. He looked over at Eliwood, and bowed out of respect. "We meet again, Lord Eliwood."
"Ah yes. Like Dorcas, Matthew and Serra, you were with Lyn a year ago, weren't you?" Eliwood asked.
"Yes" Erk nodded. He motioned to Priscilla. "This is the woman I have been currently assigned to escort: Lady Priscilla. She's from Eturia."
Priscilla smiled, and bowed as well. "Lord Eliwood. Lord Hector."
Eliwood smiled, and approached Priscilla. He gallantly took her hand in his, and gave it a kiss. "M'lady" he said with a smile, a lens flare tinging off his teeth.
Shortly after Eliwood let go, Marcus approached, and repeated the process, only without the lens flare. Lowen bowed before her, but no kissing.
"My..." Priscilla stuttered, blushing. "What a group of gentlemen..."
Guy just took one look at Priscilla, before blushing, and backing off.
"Don't mind him" Matthew smirked. "He's nervous around pretty girls."
Seeing the message behind Matthew's comment, Priscilla blushed a little more.
Oswin and Hector approached, and both bowed. Although it could be noted that Oswin looked more solemn than ever.
Dorcas gave a polite hello, and Serra just glared. Kozo approached, and shook her hand. "Welcome to the team" he greeted. "I'm their tactician, Kozo. And don't worry, I won't be bothering you in any way. Well, directly if you're the sensitive type."
Bartre was grinning the whole time. As Erk walked over to talk to Eliwood, Bartre caught him. "Wow! She's ass slapping-ly beautiful!" he beamed.
Erk's left eye twitched, as he glared at the big warrior.
"Ya don't mind if I borrow her tonight, do ya?" he asked.
"Why you little...!!" Erk screamed, before strangling Bartre.
"Gack! Gack!" the big man choked.
"No, Erk!" Dorcas intervened, prying Erk away from Bartre. "Your hands are to small! Allow me!" With that, the red haired fighter started to strangle his apprentice.
"GACK! GACK!"
Yoshimo was busy playing Jacks. Chibi-Zell was creating a Cat's Cradle. The Wheel of Morality was still spinning.
"God, with the length of the chapter, you'd think it would've at least slowed down" Yoshimo muttered.
Chibi-Zell looked over the Wheel, and then looked in the back. "Oh, Yoshi, could you summon in Winnie?"
"Huh? ...Okay, sure." Yoshimo reached up, not even looking from his Jacks game, and pulled a velvet rope cord. There was a gun shot. Winnie appeared shortly afterwards. "You fired?" he asked.
"Winnie, would you have anything to do with the Wheel of Morality?" Yoshimo asked, not standing up.
Winnie looked over at the Wheel, and started snickering. "Ah, yeah. That would be me."
Yoshimo blinked. Now he got to his feet. "How'd you pull that off?"
"Oh, I just got in a few more gears, an engine, and a fan belt. All rather simple, really?"
"Well, I'm both proud and upset about all this. So, where'd you get the material?"
"Um...you had insurence on your car...right?"
"What are you tal..." Yoshimo froze. His eyes went wide. "Porche? Porche!? Noooooooo!"