Fire Emblem 7, The Parody
Chapter 18 Gaiden: Imprisoner of Magic

Following the wily gnome proved a harder feat than anticipated. Still, the group was able to follow him with a degree of skill. They move in utmost silence, as to not attract any hidden enemy. However, following their path, a new Black Fang Shadow approaches.

"Ssh, you'll kill the suspence" whispered the office intern. "If you tell them that, it won't be a surprise."

"Too late. I did."

"Poo."

"Just give us a second...to catch our breath..." Hector breathed out.

Winny nodded. "Alright, I'll give you a second. ...Second's up." With that, he took off again.

"H...hey! Wait up!" Lyn begged. She quickly dashed after Winny, and soon followed by Hector. Eliwood made a short jog after them, and then just slowed down.

Marcus raised an eyebrow, and slowly trotted over to his master. "Are you well, lord Eliwood?" the paladin asked. "You have a pallid look about you..."

Eliwood jolted a bit, before calming down. "Oh, it's you, Marcus" he said flatly.

"...Is something wrong?"

"You heard what Erik said in Laus, didn't you? Marcus...what do you think about that?"

"That Lord Elbert was involved in the plot for rebellion?"

Eliwood nodded. Marcus shook his head. "It must be a mistake" the old knight continued. "Your father is loyal to Lycia. He's not one to break his oath."

Eliwood smiled, and nodded. "You're right. I can't believe he'd be involved in this conspiracy. Yet..." the red haired noble looked down at his feet. "Why do I feel so anxious? When I think of my father, I can't help but feel...somewhat frightened..."

Marcus shook his head again. "Lord Eliwood, do not mistake your feelings. That feeling that strikes you when you think of Lord Elbert? It springs not from a distrustful heart. It comes from concern for your father, who needs your help. He is involved in someting larger than all of us. This is all happening so fast; it's easy to lose sight of that."

Eliwood just looked at Marcus, considering his words. He smiled after a few seconds, and let out a sigh. "I see. Thank you, Marcus. I feel a bit better now."

Marcus smiled as well, and nodded. He then put on a sour face, as he looked around. "Bah. The air on this god-forsaken rock...it's disquieting..."

"...It is as though it feeds the despair already in our hearts" Eliwood observed. "If you weren't here, Marcus, I might've--"

Marcus held up his hand, still keeping his serious face. "There's something happening up ahead."

Eliwood perked his ears, and heard some distent yet near screaming. "It's Hector! Let's go!"

With that, the two sped off towards the source of the noise.

"...And that's why the Laws of Physics are a complete sham" Canas concluded, adjusting his monacole, as he strolled by.

"Your knowledge amazes me, shaman" Oswin nodded. "When we return to Ostia, I might be able to find you a position among the court."

Kozo was about to throw in his two-bits, before he noticed something off in the distence. "Oh great, there goes pansy boy..." he muttered.

"After him?" Canas asked.

"I suppose...I mean, I don't know why we need him, but I won't hear the end of it if we just let him run off like that..."

"Would you stop yelling at me already?" Lyn snapped at Hector. "All I'm saying is that your clattering armour is going to give away our position! We need to move more cautiously!"

"And all I'M saying is that I'm doing my best!" Hector shouted back at Lyn. "You don't need to scream bloody murder about all of it!"

"I pointed it out as calmly as I could at first! It was your constant arguement that made me raise my voice!"

It was at this time that Eliwood, Marcus and the others arrived on the scene. "Um, guys..." Eliwood started, calmly.

"Because it's not like I can make this armour any quieter! Of course, you little savages who probably never even HEARD of arm--"

"Guys, can't we just..." Eliwood tried to interject.

"Savages? SAVAGES! Hector, I expected better of you! You may be an idiot, but I hoped you weren't like other preju--"

"WOULD YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP!" Marcus screamed at the two, his face going beet red.

Both nobles just looked over at the paladin, eyes wide. "Whoa, okay, chill out, spazz" Hector held up his arms, as he explained himself calmly.

"Indeed. We're standing right in front of you, there's no need to raise your voice" Lyn nodded.

Marcus's eye twitched a bit, and the old paladin nearly blew a fuse. He sighed deeply, and breathed deeply a few times, before turning around. "That's it, I'm going back to the ship" he grumbled.

"Are you sure you'll make it back, Marcus?" Eliwood asked.

"Of course" Marcus said with a smile. "I know exactly where we parked it. I have the memory of an elephant, you know." With that, the paladin urged his horse back into the woods, back to shore.

Kozo blinked, and leaned over to Guy. "What's an elephant?"

A cloaked swordsman approached his commander, and bowed. "Lord Aion, we've recieved word from the Pegasus Unit" he reported. "The targets are approaching from the far side of the mountain, to the east."

A cold smirk played on Aion's lips. He had short, greasy blonde hair, with a pug like nose, and a noble, sagely attire, complete with long, flowing purple cape. "Heh. Uhai must have failed after all" he mused. "I'm none too surprised. We're talking about the shallow wisdom of a Sacaen nomad, after all. He possessed a certain rough talent, but no mind for planning."

"Sir, if I may interrupt" the swordsman pointed out, "I am a Sacaen, and you chose me as leftenient because of my tatical--"

"Oh, you're still here, are you? Well, I stand by what I said."

"Yes sir..."

"Are the troops in position?"

"Yes sir. But, if I may, almost every last one of them is a mage. Only a small handful of them are actually physical attackers, and they're only knights. Shouldn't we have invested in a more balanced..."

"Nonsense! Nothing can best the power of magic! And I have given each of my soldiers an infinate supply of magic spells! They'll burn those fools to ashes, I say!"

"Very well sir. I shall return to Master Nergal to report the situation."

"Go tell him that those mice will be exterminated." Aion raised his hand, as lightning crackled around it. "In confined areas such as this, my Bolting spell will devestate them!" He let out the classic, evil laugh, as the swordsman had enough time to take an apple from a nearby fruit bowl, eat it, put the core in a proper trash can, and calmly walk out of the room.

As the party continued to march on, Eliwood noticed something about one of their companions. He walked over to the young dancer, who seemed to be slowly trudging behind the group. "Ninian...is something wrong?" he asked gently.

Ninian looked up at Eliwood blankly, before gasping. "Beware!" she suddenly yelped. "The enemy approaches!"

"The what?" Hector asked, almost flatly.

"Lord Eliwood of Pherae!" a dark voice shouted out to the party. Everyone turned, to see a small group of shamans a few yards ahead. "Prepare yourself!"

Lyn groaned, and ran her hand down her face. "Not more of these bozos..." she groaned.

"We won't reach the Dragons Gate if we stay defensive" Eliwood said with an agitated sigh. "Hit their commander, and let's get this over with!"

"Well, looks like someone's about as impatient as I am" Kozo jeered. "Good to see you're toughening up, pansy-boy."

"Oh shut up and give us some tactical advice already."

"Hee hee. Oh, Hannah dear..."

Hannah tugged down the shoulder of her cloak, and coughed. Kozo hovered his finger near the slot, dark magic forming around it. "Tell us and you won't get a Luna down the coin slot."

The old augury gulped, and pulled her sleeve back up. "Erm...yes, of course. Um...ahem. You must beware magical attacks. They will not attack from the front...hold your ground, and something will happen. For good or ill, it is not a yes or no question. That is all I see."

"You know, Hannah, I have a strong feeling we could get by without you most of the time..."

"It was your choice to bring me along."

"No it wasn't. It was loudmouth's and pansy-boy's."

"Shut up."

"Alright then, in order to make the most of the area, we will split into teams. Team A will consist of pansy-boy, Lowen, Canas, Bartre, and Hector. Team B will consist of Lyn, Wil, Kent, and Hector. Team C will consist of--"

"Oh no, I see where this is going" Eliwood interrupted. "We're not going to do that joke."

"But--"

"No."

"It would've been--"

"I said no!"

"Oh...fine, we'll just go in one large assult team, that will consist of the usual lordling crew, myself, and..." Kozo looked over the crowd of his units. "Erm...how about...Erk, Priscilla, Sain, Matthew, Guy, Dorcas, Wil, Kent and...oh...I suppose we'll need a pegasus knight..."

"Oooh! Oooh! Pick me!" Florina cheered, bouncing up and down. "I wanna come!"

"Maybe Fior--"

Florina kept jumping up and down, flailing her raised arm in the air. "Pick me! Pick me!"

The shaman sighed in defeat. "Alright, fine, you can come. And now that that's settled..." Kozo turned back towards where a small force of enemies began to approach. "Let's kick some magey hiney."

"You heard the man!" Winny Gnome shouted, leaping out of nowhere, rapiers drawn. "Let's start stabbin!"

"Where did you just come...oh forget it..." Lyn was about to ask.

"I think here's a good place to rest and wait for the Fang to leave" Cecil pointed out, looking at Serra through the darkness.

"Hey! You've become little cartoon eyeballs! Just like in the movies!"

"Now's not the best place to talk about that..." Cecil muttered. After having wandered through the forests for some time, Cecil and Serra had the pleasure of bumping into members of the Black Fang. After five minutes of being chased, the two managed to find and duck into a ruin, where they now currently waited for the Fang to leave.

After another two minutes, the nomads and brigands shrugged, and left. Cecil let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, I think we're safe." He suddenly stopped talking, and sniffed the air. "I smell horse dung..."

"Don't look at me" Serra defended. "I don't even know the meaning of the word flat--"

"I'm being serious, Serra. Something smells strange..." With that, Cecil dug for a match, and lit it. He held it towards the smell, where he was confronted by an...

"Oh...shit..."

The beast was a giant, muscular centaur, with rust coloured hair, darkened skin, and purple fur on his horse half. He brandished a gargantuan, silver axe, and he looked very, very mad that he had intruders in his home. He expressed this by growling lowly.

"Well, I think he's saying that we've over-stayed our welcome..." Cecil muttered.

"Wait a minute" Serra interrupted. "That's a Macdaire. But this is Fire Emblem: Rekka No Ken. Macdaire and other monsters (exlcuding zombies and dragons) are supposed to be in the next game!"

"Serra, let's stop worrying about the probability of him being here and just RUN!" On that last word, Cecil grabbed Serra's hand, and raced out of the cave.

A small ball of fire started to build in Erk's right hand, before he threw it towards an enemy knight. The armoured warrior was captured in the flames, and burnt to a crisp.

"Aiiiie!" Priscilla cried, catching the magi's attention. He raced towards his charge, and saw that a shaman was pursuing her, a Flux building up between his hands.

Electricity sparked around Erk's own hand. "Get away from her..." he growled, before raising his arm to the sky. He then thrust a finger towards the shaman, as the electricity left his hand. Mere seconds later, a bolt of lightning crashed down on the shaman, hundreds upon hundreds of volts coursing through his body.

Priscilla kept riding, and stopped next to her escourt. "Thank you, Erk" she said, bowing her head. "I'm sorry I'm not able to--" She suddenly stopped. "Watch out!" she yelped, leaping off her horse, and tackiling Erk to the ground, as a spear shot over the two spell users.

"Good call" Erk said from underneath Priscilla, not seeming to notice their current position.

The troubador seemed to notice, though, and instantly got off the mage, and a few inches away. She covered her lower face with her hand, coughing a bit whilst blushing.

The knight who owned the lance reared back for a second attack, before a large, burly warrior stepped in the way, and swung his axe. The knight shifted his lance into a defensive position, as the axe dug into the handle, keeping both warriors locked in place. "Why are you just sitting there?" Dorcas nearly demanded. "Get on your feet and fry this rust bucket, or something!"

Erk sat up, and raised himself to his feet. "Alright, if that's what you want" he said with a slight sneer. He started weaving an arcane pattern between his hands. "I suggest you duck, fighter boy" he informed.

Dorcas yanked his axe out from the knight's spear, and ducked. Erk finished his spell, and thrust a finger towards the knight. "Elfire!"

In a mere instant, a circle of fire appeared underneath the knight's feet. Erk snapped his fingers, and flames engulfed the knight, frying him in a mere instant. "No matter how many times I do it, it gets slightly different every time..." Erk muttered to himself.

"We can worry about that later" Dorcas informed. "The others will need our help."

Erk and Priscilla nodded, before Erk helped his charge onto her horse. The two proceded to rush off to catch up with Dorcas, who had already covered a fair distence. Priscilla looked down at her escourt. "Thanks" she said with a smile.

Erk smirked back. "It's my job as your escourt. Although you did look like you were in need of rescue, so I probably would've anyway."

Priscilla blushed a tad more, as she continued to ride along side her escourt.

The air became thicker. Tension among every member on the battle field started to raise. A small ripple of air appeared near the castle where the sage Aion waited. Appearing from the ripple in time was a boney, cloaked figure. All that could be seen from underneath his cowl was a long, boney nose, and a pointed chin.

Meanwhile, Kozo had noticed the change in the air, as well as the change in the enemy mages and shamans. He beamed, and took a few steps back, the air returning to normal. "I'm in the magic zone..." he said, before shooting a Flux at an enemy mage.

"WHA!"

"I'm in the no-magic zone" the purple haired tactician continued, bouncing back to the strange area. "I'm in the magic zone..."

"AIE!"

"I'm in the no-magic zone. I'm in the magic zone..."

"What in the hell are you doing?" Lyn asked, as she, Guy and Wil arrived on the scene.

"I'm having fun, now leave me alone" Kozo growled.

Wil looked over at Lyn, and shrugged. He looked back and Kozo, nodding, and said, "You're the boss." With that, the three returned to the battle field.

"Whe...heh...not you!" Kozo shouted, rushing after Guy. After a few moments of running, Kozo caught up with the myrmidon, who was already flanked by a group of knights, spears ready.

The shaman gasped. "Don't worry, Guy! I'll save you, I'm in the Magic Zone!" With that, he began chanting a Flux Spell.

Back with the strange, boney man, the blades of grass shifted in the breeze. Crickets chripped in the background. The man let out a yawn, and shifted to one side.
"Flux!" Kozo shouted, before thrusting his arms forward. A ball of dark magic appeared in his hands, before suddenly fizziling out with a comical "pbht" noise.

Kozo blinked, and looked over at Guy, who was now by his side. The shaman instantly grabbed onto the myrmidon's leg. "Ah! Save me, Guy!"

Aion perked his ears, and looked up from his midafternoon snack, as our small party of heroes approached. "You made it past my line of defense?" he asked, almost surprised.

"It's not like it was that much of a problem" Erk commented, rolling his eyes, arms folded across his chest.

Aion stood up from his seat, and flipped back his cape. "No matter. I shall fry you all in an instant. Prepare your--"

"Wait, I think I know you..." Kent muttered.

Aion's eyes raised, and he looked side to side. "What are you talking about?" he asked almost innocently. "I've never seen you fools before...and I certainly have never met the half-breed girl you're traveling with--oh crap."

"Wait, I do know you! You're Marques Araphen! Only with a different hair colour..."

Aion smirked. "Ha! You see? You don't know me! My hair is green! How many non-nomads have green hair, honestly?"

SPLASH!

Wil walked back towards the group, whistiling as he twirled a bucket around his arm. Aion stood frozen in his taunt, as green liquid dripped around him, revealing his hair to be a nice blonde.

"Um...ah, no matter! I will finally be able to rid myself of you meddlesome fools once and for all!" Aion shouted, before shifting his arms in a mystical manner. He threw them to the skies dramatically, and shouted out for his spell. "BOLTING!"

Crickets chirped in the background. Aion looked both left and right. "Um...ELFIRE!" he shouted, throwing his arm dramatically at Kent, trying to roast him.

Two birds singed over head, in an almost taunting manner. Aion's eyes widened a bit, and sweat began to form. "Erm...THUNDER! ...um...Fire? ...Magic Missile? ...Little Blue Swirly Thing?"

Tumbleweed drifted by. "...Well, now I'm getting desperate..." he admitted flatly.

"I think you were getting desperate around the Little Blue Swirly Thing" Hector pointed out.

"Actually, the infamous Little Blue Swirly Thing would've killed us" Erk informed. "I know, I've seen it."

"Well, I guess I'm completely defenseless" Aion shrugged. He then stopped, mid shrug. "...Uh-oh."

Hector grinned evilly, and cracked his knuckles. Kent raised his fists, and cracked his knuckles as well. Lyn grinned maliciously, and cracked her knuckles as well. Florina looked over at Lyn, and then back at Aion, timidly putting a hand over her fist, and cracked her knuckles as well.

SNAP!

"..." Florina's upper lip quivered, as she looked at her hand, the fingers broken. She covered her eyes with both hands, in spite of the slight pain, and ran off crying.

Lyn looked over at Florina, and rushed off after her. "Florina! Wait up! I know what to do about broken knuckles! I know, I had them!"

After that little incident, Dorcas and Eliwood approached, taking place of the two females. Both cracked their knuckles. Aion looked between the four that circled. He looked dead ahead, eyes shrunken. "mother..." he squeaked. The four lunged.

...poke...poke...poke...poke...

Winny was busy sitting on a rock, prodding the magic seal with a gnarled stick. The magic seal, famed for his cold, emotionless stance, was twitching his left eye, and the side of his lips.

...poke...poke...poke...poke...

"OKAY THAT'S IT!" the magic seal screamed, grabbing the stick from Winny, and snapping it across his leg. He glared back at the gnome. "I'd figure after poke number 437, you'd get bored!"

"Not really" Winny shrugged, drawing one of his rapiers, and poking the magic seal with it.

Poke. 1 damage.

"SCREW THIS I'M GOING HOME!" the magic seal shouted again, before vanishing. The air returned to it's normal feel.

Aion blinked, and wiped the blood off his nose. "H..hey! I can feel it! My magic is returning! A...ha ha ha! Mortal fools! I shall send you to the nether world with my new powers and--"

WHAM!

Aion fell over, eyes swirling. Hector pulled back his fist, smirking. "Just shut up" he said calmly.

Dorcas brushed the dust off his pants, and sighed. "Now how am I supposed to get all this blood off my shirt?" he sighed. "I'm sure Natelie would know...but she's back in Bern..."

Bartre approached his friend from out of nowhere, beaming. "Don't worry. I'm sure where ever you are, Natelie would be proud of you."

"I'm sure she'd be happier if we just went the five blocks to buy the local spices!"

Lyn and Florina finally reapproached the group. Florina's hand was in bandages, and she was smiling brightly. Lyn looked over at Aion, and then to Kent. "How long were you guys..."

"About ten minutes. For a Sage, he had a high constitution" the red knight observed.

Aion lifted his arm. "B...Bol..."

Erk dropped his foot on Aion's nose. "AHH!" the sage choked, before falling unconscious. Again.

"So, where were you two?" Kozo asked. "I thought you'd be the first ones to beat this guy to a pulp."

Florina smiled a little wider, and nodded her head. "Lady Lyndis was patching up my hand. She's really good with bandages. She even kissed the wound to make it all better." She put on an innocent face, and tilted her head, still looking at the hand. "She probably could've stopped after the seventh kiss..."

Kozo raised an eyebrow. Hector's jaw dropped a bit. Even Kent showed some surprise. Lyn groaned, and covered her face in her hand, blushing a bright red. Florina looked innocently at everyone, confused, thinking Lyn's behavior was natural. "What? ...What?"

"Florina..." Dorcas pointed out calmly, "have you ever considered that Lady Lyndis might be..."

"The greatest friend a person could ask for? Yes I have" Florina answered, completely oblivious.

"No, I meant...oh never mind" the large warrior sighed, shaking his head.

Kozo looked around, and then back at Lyn and Florina. "You know, as much fun as I would have taunting you two, I need to find something out...excuse me." The shaman turned around, and walked off towards a small clearing.

After a minute or so of walking, Kozo reached the little gnome, still sitting on the rock, humming a tune to himself. The shaman tapped the little one on the shoulder. "Winny, might I ask if you saw a magical seal here?"

"Not sure, but I met a weird person by the name of Kishuna. Sure had a strange feel about it. I just poked him for a while with a stick, then my rapier. Then he left."

Kozo groaned, shaking his head. "Winny, do you realize what you've done? You kept us from killing Kishuna! Now we can't go to Chapter 18xx, A Glimpse in Time!"

"Well, we couldn't anyway" Winny pointed out. "We're kinda following Eliwood's storyline."

"...You know what? We're going there anyway. Come on" Kozo said, marching off.

"Yeah, you go...you go do that, I'll be waiting in the chapter after that" Winny nodded, before leaving in the opposite direction.

Kozo returned to the group, and coughed loudly. "Alright, everyone! We're moving out!"

Cecil bent over, panting, trying to catch his breath. "I think...we lost them..." he panted, releasing grip on Serra's hand.

The tactician and the cleric had run a long way to avoid the Macdire, and then the Black Fang...again. They were currently located in a dense forest, nice and peaceful, if slightly ominous.

Serra looked over at Cecil, about to ask something, before she gasped. "Cecil! There are arrows in you!"

"There what?" Cecil asked, getting up right.

"There's an arrow in your butt, as well as two along your left arm!"

Cecil blinked, and looked at his arm. "Huh. What do you know, arrows. I guess I was so busy running I didn't notice the nomads hit me. Learn something new every day--OH GOD! OH GOD THE PAIN! IT STINGS! NOW THAT I'M THINKING ABOUT IT, IT HURTS REAL BAD!"

The tactician squirmed on the ground, yelping in pain. Serra fumbled for her staff, and hovered it over his body. After a brief moment and a blinding blue glow, the pain resided to only a slight pain you'd get from a paper cut.

Cecil blinked, and smiled. "Eh, it's not so--ow--not so bad."

Serra rolled Cecil onto his back, and pulked out the three arrows, Cecil letting out another "ow" for every one she pulled. "You'll still feel some pain, and your arm is still a tad beaten up, so try to avoid putting too much strain on it" Serra informed.

Cecil rolled back to his front, and sat up. "I take it healing staves don't heal people fully?" he asked.

"Not minor wounds like that" Serra informed. "Sure magic can heal people, but not all the way to full. That's left to the flow of time and the help of experienced doctors and nurses."

Cecil got to his feet, smiling. "You're pretty clever, Serra. Unless I'm hallucenating, I'd say Erk was entirely wrong about you."

Serra suddenly huffed, and folded her arms over her chest. "Now then, I'm getting tired of this place. The dirt is ruining my dress! You're the navigator of our little party, so get us out of here!"

"Well...maybe not entirely" Cecil said with a shrug and a chuckle, before the two walked off, on their blind quest to find the others.

"Well, Yoshimo, it's a Gaiden Chapter. You know what that means?" Chibi-Zell pointed out, beaming.

"...Wheel of Randomosity?" Yoshimo asked.

Chibi-Zell nodded happily, before bounding over to the twin dials. The miniature director approached his companion. "You seem to enjoy this portion waaaay too much..."

"Asides from the Nils/Fiora incident, it's been pretty fun to watch" Chibi-Zell pointed out.

"I thought it was funny..." Yoshimo muttered.

"I didn't..." Nils whined, still rubbing his behind. "I can still feel the spankings of punishment..."

Yoshimo grabbed one of the dials, and spun it hard. "Wheel of Randomosity, whirl whirl whirl. Give us a pairing and don't make us hurl." The director watched, as the dial began to slow down, before landing on Erk.

The mage approached the stage, tugging at his shirt collar. "This won't end well. I know this won't end well..." he muttered.

Chibi-Zell took hold of the next wheel, and spun it as well. After clicking for a while, the wheel began to slow down, and landed on...

Yoshimo raised both eyebrows in shock. Chibi-Zell stiffled a laugh. Erk turned deathly pale. Bartre approached the group, drinking soda from a straw. "What'd I miss?" he asked stupidly. He looked over at the dial Chibi-Zell spun, and grinned. "Hey look! It's my picture! And it got me in my best--"

"No time for that, now pucker up, lover boy" Chibi-Zell said maliciously, prodding the big warrior.

Bartre blinked, and looked down at Erk. "What is he talking about?" he asked.

"He wants you to kiss me" Erk sighed in defeat. "That's the point of this show."

"Oh. ... ... ..." Bartre grabbed Erk, and pulled him close.

MOTHER OF ALL SMOOCH!

Bartre let Erk go, as the mage stood frozen, shuddering in horror. He slowly walked off, gagging and shuddering.

Yoshimo was also slightly disgusted. "Err...right...well...that's why they call it the Wheel of Randomosity...well, until next time, I'm Yoshimo..."

"I'm Chibi-Zell..."

"And I am never going to get this taste out of my mouth!" Erk wailed, trying everything possible at once: Mouth wash, breath mints, minty toothpaste, the works.