Fire Emblem 7, the Parody
Side Chapter 4: Plot Hole!
(a.k.a: Chapter 18xxx: No, this is not a dirty chapter)

Author's Note: Man, that's the second time I've had to use an author's note...why do I feel like that's not a good sign? Anyway, to those who pointed out little errors in the previous chapter, we would just like to clear our names by saying those were intentionally. In the instence of the three children instead of two, if you've been following the story really closely and looking at the hints, you may know who that third child is. Like the rest of us here.

"Hey, wait" Cecil interupted. "I don't know what's going on around here!"

"Neither do I" Eliwood shook his head.

"Going over my head" Serra shrugged.

Author's Note: Well, most of us here.

Nergal huffed, as he observed the heroes through his Magic Cel-Phone Camera (patent pending). He turned off the camera, and quickly dialed. "Stupid...Uhai, Aion and Teodor. See if I ever do them another favor..." he grumbled, as the phone continued to ring.

-click- "You've reached Minoa, but if you don't make this quick, you'll wish you hadn't. Unless, of course, you're a total bishonen - in which case, come down to my place right away, I'll be sure to accomodate you very well! And then you can meet all the other caged... er... household pets... er... bishonen. Of course, if you're not one of them, but you have a really good reason for calling - and not what you think is a really good reason, I mean, what I think is a really good reason - then leave a message at the sound of the bishonen meowing, as well as your phone number, because I'll never remember it otherwises." -meow-

"Minoa, this is Nergal, behind the scenes leader of the Black Fang. Listen, I've got a job that only a twisted woman such as yourself could handle" the druid said into the phone. "I need you to get to the Dread Isle in an instant, and keep a group of pests from getting to my headquarters before I'm ready. And just to get you interested in this job, I suppose SOME of them could be called cute...according to your standards of course." With that, he reached for the 'End' button, before talking into the phone again. "Oh, right, the number. It's 'YOU-SUCK' - that's 968-7825."

click-

"Come on, I made plenty for everyone!" Winny insisted, holding up a large tray of meatloaf.

"Winny, that's the seventh serving of meatloaf you've made for us" Eliwood groaned, holding his bloated stomach. "I highly doubt anyone but Hector and Bartre--"

Fump! Hector fell over from his seat, holding his stomach. "Okay, Bartre, you win..." he groaned.

"...Anyone but Bartre could apprciate your fine cooking...unless it's not meatloaf."

Winny looked left. He looked right. He turned his back on Eliwood, and fiddled with a few ingredients. He turned back to face Eliwood, a nice little cake in his hands, smothered with icing. "I made dessert!"

Eliwood reached over to the cake with his fork, and took a bite. He chewed on the morsel a bit, before stopping. He looked over at Winny, eyes narrow. "This is meatloaf, isn't it?"

"Yes."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the camp fire, Lucius had just finished talking to Raven about battle strategies for the upcoming siege. As well as other things that came up out of no where. Eventually, the mercenary got to his feet, and walked off to talk with Priscilla. The monk watched him leave, smiling.

Kozo stood over Lucius, smirking. "So, you're in love with this Raven guy, aren't you?"

Lucius's eyes widened before he looked up at Kozo, shaking his head furiously. "Wh..what? Where did you get that notion?"

"I asked you a yes-or-no question."

"No!"

"Ah. I see. Denial! Come with me." With that, Kozo took Lucius by the hair, and dragged him off.

"Ow! My hair! You're pulling the--ow!"

About an hour later, Guy, Kozo and Lucius returned to the campsite, although Lucius was shivering and Guy was gasping for breath.

The shaman blinked, and looked over at Guy. "What happened to you?"

"Training with Matthew..."

Kozo looked at Guy, blinking. "...Really?" he asked, a grin forming on his face.

Guy suddenly raised his arms up, waving his hands. "No, no, I mean, he's very fast, and I was just having trouble keeping up and..."

"Really?"

"...Forget I said anything..." Guy sighed in defeat. He then noticed the quivering monk. "What did you do to Lucius?"

"I was just teaching him the facts of life."

"You WHAT?"

"How come it wasn't in a scene?" Raven asked, approaching.

"Because this is NOT a dirty chapter" Kozo informed. "Don't you ever pay attention to the first few words of the chapter?"

"It was very...informative..." Lucius squeaked.

"But just what DID you do to him?" Guy asked.

"Eh, just brought him to the next-door studio that was busy filming My Emerald" Kozo said with an innocent shrug.

"Discarded clothing...everywhere...I'm scared...Raven, hold me..."

"...What?" the mercenary asked in a calm tone, while the myrmidon asked in shocked tone. Lucius clinged onto Raven's leg, eyes still wide, body still shaking.

"I am always right about these things" Kozo said with a grin, before leaving.

Cecil laid on his back, staring up at the stary sky. Sure the woods were creepy and probably haunted, he was hopelessly lost, the fire died five minutes ago, it was cold as the deepest plains of Illia, and he wasn't able to get any sleep, but at least the stars were as beautiful as ever.

He was busy piecing together a few constillations, and trying to make some of his own, before he heard some rather audiable chattering of teeth. He looked over to his left, and saw Serra, curled up in a ball, shivering.

The tactician looked at the poor girl, feeling pity for her. "...Here" he said simply, taking off his cloak, and placing it over the young cleric as though it were a blanket.

Serra opened her eyes, before feeling her new blanket. She propped herself up on her elbows, and looked over at Cecil. "Won't you be cold?" she asked.

The tactician smirked, and brushed his thumb under his nose. "Doesn't really bother me" he explained. "You seemed like you needed it more than I did anyway."

Serra opened her mouth to argue, but just smiled. "Thanks" she said simply.

Cecil suddenly started snickering. Serra huffed, and glared at the tactician. "What's so funny?" she asked, sounding insulted.

"Erk's been greatly over exagerating the horror stories about you. You actually seem quite nice."

Serra turned red a bit. "Yeah, well, Erk..." she twiddled her thumbs. "Whenever I'm around the guy, I just seem to get nervous, and things slip out. Things that he probably doesn't like..."

"Like bossing him around, forcing him to get things?"

"Yeah, stuff like that."

"I've seen weird ways for people to express a liking for someone, but that's a new one" Cecil said with a shrug. Before Serra could further the arguement, he turned to his side, and yawned. "Sleep well."

Serra glared at Cecil's back, before her eyes softened, and she smiled. "You too."

Birds flew over the forest. Minoa placed down the final, almost invisible hole, and wiped her brow. "There, that's the last one" she beamed. She turned around, and looked down the trail. "Ha, Nergal wants me to keep them busy, huh? Well, they'll almost never make it to his place in under a week with all these Plot Holes I set. Now, I'll just go home and..."

She stopped, and looked around. "Um...where did I put them all again? ...Okay, Minoa, you can do this. Now, I know I put one here, so if I step to the left--"

VIP!

Minoa vanished into thin air. She reappeared a few minutes later, on a tree branch. She blinked, eyes wide. "Well, didn't see that coming..."

Eliwood streached his arms over his head, and followed the gnome as he continued to lead them through the woods. "It shouldn't take more than an hour or two now" Winny explained, actually letting the group move at a comfortable walking pace.

"Finally" Hector sighed. "I am getting SICK of this island."

"Indeed" Fiora nodded. "This whole island depresses me."

"Whoa, where did you come from?" Guy asked, shocked.

Dart grunted, and put his arms over his chest. "Look, just because we weren't in the last two chapters doesn't mean we vanished."

"Sometimes I wish I could vanish..." Oswin sighed.

Sain approached Lyn, beaming. "Hey Lyndis, how about a race to the Dragon's Gate?" he suggested. "If I win, you have to go on a date with me."

Lyn looked up at Sain, unamused. "I'll give you five bucks if you run off and never return" she offered.

"I'll take that as an acceptence to my challenge!" Sain beamed, before racing off, on foot.

"Sain, you probably should be careful" Kent warned. "We don't know what else is in these--"

"Aie!" Sain yelped, as he fell through the ground, even though there was no visible hole.

The green knight landed with a soft bump on the ground. "Ow..." he moaned quietly, before looking forward. He appeared to be in a medical tent, and it was midmorning. "Where am I?" he wondered aloud.

He suddenly heard the smacking of lips, and a soft, sensual and almost familiar groan, as though there was a deep kiss going on. Sain turned his head, and his jaw dropped. His eyes glistened, and he clapped his hands together, practically drooling.

Kent dug his hand into the ground, still amazed his hand passed through. "Now I think this was where he fell..." he muttered.
"Yeah, that's it, lower the hand, and take off the...yeah, that's the good stuff" Sain suggested, still watching from a few feet distence.

Suddenly, an armoured hand reached down, and grabbed the back of Sain's collar, before lifting him through the air, and through the plot hole, back to the present date.

"Welcome back" Kent said flatly, as Sain got to his feet back on the Dread Isle.

"What?" Sain paniked, looking around. "No, no, I wanna go back! It was just getting good!" he whined. He looked around, and focused on a spot on the trail. "I know it was here..."

He rushed over to the spot, and started hopping up and down on it. "Come on, you stupid hole, open up! I want to go back!"

Lyn shook her head, and kept walking. "I don't want to know what that was all about.." she muttered, before she suddenly fell through the ground.

Lyn felt like she hit the ground hard, even though she was standing. She shook her head, and looked to her left. White walls, flowers drapped across the ceiling, pews lined up behind her...she was no doubt at a church, and from where she was standing, probably a wedding.

She looked down, inspecting her own body. She was garbbed in a traditional, tribal wedding gown. Which wasn't too different from her usual outfit: just a little longer and fuller. Lyn decided not to look at who she was standing next to, figuring the suspence would kill her when she returned to reality.

Lucius, who was the pastor at the wedding, continued with his little sermon, until he reached the final stage. "If anyone has reason why these two should not be joined, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

Sain, from one of the pews, suddenly burst from his seat, obviously holding it in for a long time. "I objeeeeeeeeeeeeect!" he shouted dramatically, and kept shouting.

Kent, who was sitting next to him, stood up, and wrapped his arm around one of Sain's, and Eliwood approached, and took the other arm. The two dragged the screaming knight away, and Lyn sighed.

"...Right, well..." Lucius continued. "If anyone IMPORTANT has a reason why these two should not be joined, speak now, or--"

The doors flew open again, as Sain rushed in. "Objeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeect!" he continued to the scream.

Kent and Eliwood rushed in, and grabbed Sain, attempting to drag him away again. "Sorry Lady Lyndis!" Kent apologized over the screaming. "He slipped away from us!"

After a bit longer, Lyn landed back in reality, falling on her duff. "Ow..." she groaned, rubbing her posterior.

"Lady Lyndis!" Florina quipped up, rushing over, and helping up her friend. She quickly dusted her off, and smiled up at her. "You okay?" she asked.

"I saw the weirdest thing..." Lyn explained. "I was at...my own wedding..."

"Oh, my Lady Lyndis!" Sain professed, getting on one knee before her. "I am truely honoured that you will one day return my--"

"It wasn't to you, green boy" Lyn said with a glare. "Likewise, it wasn't to Kent or Eliwood either."

Eliwood snapped his fingers in dissapointment. Kent folded his arms over his chest. "Then who was it you were marrying?"

"I don't know, and I don't want to know just now" Lyn explained shaking her head. "The suspence would kill me."

From the sidelines, Kozo nudged Wil in the side. "I'll bet you five bucks it's Florina" he wagered.

Wil beamed, and nodded. "You're on."

"I also seem to remember Wil giving Kozo a five dollar bill, for some reason..." Lyn continued suddenly.

Kozo nodded, and Wil snapped his fingers in disapointment. "Alright, here's your winnings in advance..." Wil grumbled, handing over five dollars to the shaman.

Lyn suddenly shook her head. "Wait...where'd that memory come from, that didn't happen."

Wil looked over at Lyn, before taking his five back.

"No, wait, there it is, I see it now!"

Wil hovered his five dollars near Kozo's hand again.

"Ah. It's gone again."

The archer beamed. "This should be fun" he nodded. He constantly alternated between taking back his money and giving it to Kozo.

"It's back. It's gone. It's back. It's gone. It's back. It's gone..." Lyn repeated.

Wil beamed, obviously enjoying the show. "I could keep this up for hours..." he said with a nod.

SMACK!

Rebecca stormed off, holding the five dollars in her hand. "Stupid...no good jerk who...dumped me...all the same..." she grumbled under her breath.

Wil rubbed the back of his head, over the sore spot to be exact. "What was that all about?" he wondered out loud. "I can understand the whole money thing, but we never dated, even shown more interest in each other than friends would do when we were kids, so why..."

Kozo opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it, shaking his head. "Nah, I was already right about two things this chapter, I probably shouldn't do any more relationship meta-gaming."

"Could anyone please explain these weird things?" Eliwood asked, appearing to have arrived out of no where, after vanishing in the same while Lyn was trying to remember wheither or not Wil gave Kozo five bucks. "Why would there be weird rifts in time that give us glimpses of the future like that?"

"I wouldn't know..." Hector muttered, shaking his head. "They sound like plot holes in the story...in any case, we should proceed with caution." He took the front, and walked along. "We'll never know when we fall into a--" He vanished.

And reappeared in a second. "Plot hole. What are you all laughing at?"

Note: Go ahead, think up your own explanation as to why everyone's laughing at Hector right now

After a few more minutes, Hector had righted himself, and Winny walked over towards a tree, a tree with a strange trunk. He poked his hand through, and the hand vanished. The gnome stuck his head in, and popped out. "Oh...I got nothing...unless..." he picked up a rock, and whipped it into the tree.

He quickly placed his ear near the hole, and listened carefully. "Ah! My eye!" Sain screamed from the other end of the hole.

"hee hee hee..." Winny snickered.

"And we'll brake for a few minutes, people" Yoshimo said into the megaphone. As the actors went off to do their thing, Yoshimo stood up, and hunted for Minoa.

He found her in the green room, staring at several pictures she drew of various (if lewd) things. "Minoa, can I ask you something?" he asked.

"Wha!" Minoa yelped, instantly, closing her doodlebook, and hiding it behind her back. "You saw nothing!" she said to the director.

"...But I didn't" Yoshimo explained.

"Good. Just keep that up and we'll have no trouble."

"But I seriously didn't...oh never mind. Mind if I ask you something about your performance today?"

"Yeah. I know, I know, it wasn't my best work, but--"

"No, no, your acting was great. I was just wondering about your..."

"Yes?"

"Your placement of the plot holes. More exactly, why did you put one on a tree?"

"Well I needed something vertical for Winny to whip a rock out."

"And about that. What was that all about?"

"Something Winny, Sain-honey and I came up with."

"And I'm starting to regret the idea" Sain said, walking past the two, an icepack over his left eye.

Yoshimo watched as Sain walked by, and shook his head. "I think I'll save the answer to that for later..."

"Okay, everyone back in their places, and...action!"

Kent grumbled, arms folded over his chest. "Okay, now these plot holes are just getting stupid. When am I ever going to wear this get-up?" he asked, disgruntled. He adjusted the fruit hat on his head. Yes, Kent had fallen into a plot hole, and came out a male Carmen Maranda.

Eliwood was snickering. Lyn was laughing. Kozo looked up at Sain. "Hey, Sain...you're blushing."

"No, I'm still red with anger that Kent interrupted one of the greatest things I've seen in my life, AND Lady Lyndis ditched me..." the green knight grumbled.

"And you've got little hearts hovering over your head."

Sain looked up. "Oh. Well, that's a serious health problem. I need to get that checked when we get home."

"And you're hovering."

"That...It...I've got nothing."

Fiora looked left. She then looked right. "Has anyone seen the thief, or the myrmidon?" she asked, scratching her head.

"No, but if you want, I can go look for them" Florina offered, nodding.

"Please do. I'm worried if they wandered off on their own."

Florina turned towards the woods, and walked off, looking for the two missing companions...Well, the two more RECENT missing companions.

After a minute of searching, she sighed. "Where could they be?" she wondered outloud, leaning against a tree.

Vip! Appearing in front of the young pegasus knight where Matthew and Guy...kissing...

Florina gaped. "Oh...oh my!" she yelped.

Matthew opened his eyes. Guy opened his as well. The two stood frozen, before breaking off, choking and wheezing. "Oh, CHRIST!" Matthew shouted. "When does THIS happen in the storyline?"

"I don't know...and I don't want to know..." Guy whimpered. "Someone get me some water..."

Matthew looked up, and noticed Florina standing nearby. She instantly ducked behind a tree. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I saw everything!"

"Florina..." Matthew sighed, "I want you to forget ever seeing that, alright?"

"Done!"

After another hour of falling into various plot holes, the group finally arrived near the end of the trail. "There!" Hector gasped, tired. "I think that gnome is taking care of the last plot hole..."

Winny Gnome hung at the back of the group, constantly sticking his hand in and out of a plot hole, poking finger extended. Suddenly, there was a loud scream from the hole, and Winny stopped.

"Was that Sain just now?" Kent asked.

"Eh, doesn't concern us right now" Winny shrugged. "Jeez, hope they still have at least one phoenix down by then..."

"Right, so now all we have to do is--holy gosh!" Lowen gasped. "Look! Up ahead!"

Cecil blinked, and looked ahead. "Serra..." he beamed widely. "There they are! We found them!"

Serra looked, and grinned as well, eyes focused on one individual. "Erky!" she squealed in sure joy, before rushing towards the magic user.

"Oh dear god..." Erk whimpered, ducking his hands over his face.

Serra was about to reach the purple haired mage, and trap him in a big hug, before suddenly falling through the ground.

Cecil approached the group, staring at the spot where she vanished. "What the..." he muttered. "What happened to her?"

"Plot hole" Eliwood explained. "It'd be best if we gave you the full details later."

"Full details?" Kent asked. "Sorry, but some of us would like to keep these little mishaps under our hats."

Before Cecil could ask further, there was a loud VIP noise, before Serra appeared just up and in front of him. She fell a few inches, before Cecil instinctively reached forward and caught her.

"Welcome back" Cecil said simply, before placing Serra down. He then blinked, and noticed the boqueat of flowers in her hands. "Say...where'd you get those from?"

Serra looked at her flowers, blinking. "I...don't know. There's a card here, though."

"Well, go on, read it. Who's it from?"

The cleric flipped open the card, and read aloud. "To my beloved Serra, from--"

FOOM! The flowers and the card both simeltaniously caught on fire. The two were then reduced to mere ashes. Cecil stood, gaping. "Wh...wh...ERK! What was that for?" Cecil shouted at the purple haired mage.

"It's quite simple" Erk explained, placing his hand to his side, the palm still letting off some smoke. "I toasted those flowers so that Serra would not reveal the name of the poor sap who would some day fall in love with her. Because then he'd know what was coming, and not fall in love, and as such, not by those flowers. Although, if the flowers were never bought, she wouldn't have a boqueat with which to bring back. As such, the poor fool wouldn't know, until it was too late, that he would fall in love with her, and buy the flowers. Which brings us back to--"

"Erk, wait, stop, my brain is bleeding in several places!" Cecil wailed, clenching his head.

Wil looked over at Serra, and shrugged. "She did take a look at the card. Serra, don't you remember what it said?"

"Of course" the cleric beamed. "It was from...uh...hmm...oh...nope, never mind, I lost it."

Cecil sighed, and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, we can't be too far from the Dragon's Gate. So we might as well keep going, right?"

"Say, how much further is it?" Raven inquired. "My feet are killing me."

"So cold..." Lucius shivered, still off in his own little world.

Winny stepped forward, and pushed a few bushes aside. "Oh, I'd say about fifteen feet" he explained.

Eliwood scratched the back of his head. "Well, that certainly makes things easier. Alright, everyone! Let us engage our foe, and tear them asunder!"

"Hey, I'm the commander here, I get to call the shots" Kozo huffed. He turned to face the company of quite unique adventurers. "Alright, let's go in there and kick some ass!"

The party proceded to exit through the bush, before, quite suddenly, Erk up and vanished. The people behind him stopped, and paitently waited for his plot hole to be finished (they figured that was what caused him to disappear).

A few moments later, Erk materialized back, blinked a few times, and looked over at Cecil. He put a comforting hand on his shoulder, and sighed. "Cecil, I don't know wheither I should cry for you, or laugh. ...Who am I kidding?" With that, Erk fell to the ground, laughing himself to tears.

Cecil watched Erk roll along the ground, unamused. "And might I ask WHY you almost debated wheither to laugh or cry?" he asked.

"N...no..." Erk said in between chuckles. "It'd just be too much to lay down in one sitting. All I...I can say is...hee hee...what were you drinking the night before that?"

"I don't drink."

"Then I seriously doubt the level of your intelligence. Or common sense."

"Yeah, can we stop making fun of me for whatever it is that I'm going to do in the future and just move on to the biggest battle of our lives?"

"And now, for a special, landmark episode of the Wheel of Randomosity!" Chibi-Zell cheered.

"Why is it landmarked?" Yoshimo asked.

"We don't know, it just is." Chibi-Zell instantly rushed off, and came back with two large dials. "Okay, let's just take this peg here and..." the wheel spun furiously, and Chibi-Zell nudged Yoshimo to sing his song.

"Alright, alright...wheelofrandomositywhirlwhirlwhirlgiveusapairinganddon'tmakeushurl" Yoshimo sang quickly, not really caring.

The dial began to slow down, and landed on...

"What the hell?" Yoshimo gaped. The unlucky sap that the dial landed on was...Yoshimo himself. "That's...that's impossible. I made absoluetely sure I wasn't on this damn wheel!" He sighed. "Alright, just spin the second one already."

After another several seconds of a spinning dial, the second sap was revealed. "And I am 100 certain she wasn't supposed to be up there either" Yoshimo pointed out.

Minoa approached the wheels, blinking. "Hmm? What's going on?" She then froze, as she saw the two pictures. She instantly glared over at Yoshimo. "You."

"Me?"

"What did you do?"

"Nothing! I had no hand in this! I even made certain that you weren't on that dial!"

"What, are you saying I'm not cut out for kissing on the--"

"No, no, that's not what I meant, I just...please don't kill me."

"Oh, I wouldn't take another person's life. I'm just going to make you wish for death. Now stand still for a minute." Minoa bent over, and slipped off her shoes, and took out steel toed boots.

"When I find the man responsible, he or she is a dead man or woman..." Yoshimo growled, before running away very quickly.

"Get back here, you jerk!" Minoa shouted, clanging after the director. "I'll teach you to rig the wheel like that!"

"But he didn't" Winny pointed out to Chibi-Zell, not even trying to stop the rampaging fangirl. "I did. It's amazing what you can do with a used car engine."

"Until next time, I'm Yoshimo..." Yoshimo yelped, rushing past the two, before Minoa rushed after him.

"I'm Chibi-Zell..."

"And I hope you didn't plan to have children, Yoshimo!" Minoa shouted.