Fire Emblem 7, the Parody
Coffee Break 4: All you people ever do...
Yoshimo sighed, as he punched in a few more buttons on his calculator. He scribbed a few things on his sheets, mumbiling several factors under his breath. Waiting for the director to finish were Chibi-Zell and Minoa, who were busy reading materials of questionable content.
Yoshimo then reached a part of the tax form that made him stop, and rub his cheek with the pencil. "Hey, could someone hand me the files of all our expenses a few months ago?" he asked, not looking up for his work.
"Mraaaaah..." came a low groan, as a decayed hand produced the file.
"Ah, thanks" Yoshimo nodded, still not looking up. He was about to open the file, when he noticed a gray, disgusting finger on it. "...Hey, buddy, what's the meaning behind--" the director started, looking up. He noticed, standing in front of him, was a gray zombie, missing pieces of skin all over the body, and clothed only in blue, tattered shorts.
"...What the crap" was Yoshimo's only remark, as he shook his head.
Florina was curled up on a couch in the green room, sleeping peacefully. A stealthy figure approached the sleeping actress, and sniffed at her neck.
Florina tensed a bit, but a small smile formed on her features. "Lyn-sama..." she breathed out.
The figure started licking at her neck. She started giggiling, blushing in her sleep. "Ah, Lyn-sama, we're in public...mmm...actually...a little lower..." her eyes started to flutter open, and her smile instantly vanished. What was actually licking her neck was an UGLY little creature, that looked like a rabid dog with olive green fur, but with bristly patches of sandy brown on its back and its neck.
Florina stared at the beast for a few seconds, before bursting from her spot on the couch. "EYYAAAAAA!" she screamed, bursting through the door.
"So then I said to him I do not appreciate all these jokes you keep making about cyclopses. They are a very proud breed, you know" Bartre continued, standing near a refreashment table, holding a cup of beer in his hand.
The cyclops he was talking to gave a loud series of grunts and groans, doing various hand gestures that seemed to lead to nothing, also holding a glass of beer in his left hand.
"Oh, I know what you mean, buddy!"
Dorcas approached Bartre, and looked up at his new friend. "Um...Bartre? You do realize you're having a conversation with a cyclops?"
"Yes. And what is the problem with that?"
"Well, he's not really keeping up the conversation. He's just giving various, incomprehensible groans and throwing his arms around like a lunitic."
"Actually, Gregory is very insightful about the world as we know it."
"...Never mind...I'll leave you and Gregory to your conversation." Dorcas sighed, and left the room, defeated.
"...So, anyway, where was I?"
"Hey, stage hand!" Yoshimo shouted out, snapping his fingers.
Lucius approached the director, arms folded over his chest. "Hey, I already told you, that's a part time employment thing" he pointed out.
"Look, any idea as to why there was a zombie handiling my accounting, a mauthedog molesting Florina, and a cyclops apparently discussing life, the universe, and everything with Bartre?"
"Is that why we cannot know why that's the answer?" Bartre gasped. "That makes so much sense now!"
"Well, you know some of the studioes several blocks down?" Lucius explained in the form of another question. "And how one of them is handiling a movie about Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones?"
"Yes...?"
"Well, apparently, Leon went nuts with the monster creator."
"...Again?"
"Yes."
"That's the eighth time this month..." Yoshimo sighed, furrowing his brow. "And I am getting sick of having to buy actual equipment for everyone to subdue them with." He turned around, and walked off.
"Where are you going?" Lucius asked.
"I'm going to get the big guns. Guns so big, it'll get my message across to Leon quite clearly" Yoshimo explained.
Yoshimo eventually found his gun, who was sitting in the form of an annoyingly little gnome, twin rapiers in his sheaths, and listening to loud video game music through a pair of headphones. "Winny!" he shouted. He got no answer. "Winny!"
The gnome took off his headphones, and looked up at Yoshimo. The director shook his head. "Man, that thing was loud" he observed.
"What?" Winny asked loudly.
"Look, Winny, as reluctent as I am to do this, I need some help that only you can provide."
"Sure thing!" Winny answered as loudly as the first time.
"Would you quiet down? Jeez..."
"So, what do you need?"
"I need that bear of your's to do some monster extermination around the studio."
"Oh. Gee, I don't know, she just woke up a short while ago, and she's still pretty tired."
"Well, what, do you expect me to wait until August when she'll actually move more than seven feet without yawning? Look, I'm not willing to wait for your lazy bear to wake up, I need her size to help me with getting rid of these things."
"Oh, don't put it like that. She Tyra's very sensitive about her weight."
"Winny, she was BORN to be bigger than the usual bear. Just didn't expect her to be as lazy as she was large...Can she help or not?"
"Well, sure she can help, but she's not going to chase down every last monster."
Yoshimo bowed his head, thinking for a few seconds, before nodding. "Alright, get her to the parking lot. They'll be there."
Winny nodded in return, and left to get his animal companion. Yoshimo walked back towards the parking lot. "Now, to get those monsters to gather in that place all at once. Hmm..."
"Why do I have to be the live bait?" Sain screamed, kicking in the air, dangiling from a crane.
"Because you picked the blue straw in the drawing" Yoshimo explained, finishing up with his sign.
"It's the SHORT straw that gets singled out!" Sain continued to shout.
"You're already live bait. Habitual Cheater won't look any better on your resume." Yoshimo put away his paint before taking his sign over towards the entrance to the studio. He nailed it down, and smiled. "This should get those stupid monsters to come."
The sign read: FreeCavalier bait. All monsters welcome. Bring a friend
Sure enough, in only a matter of minutes, every last monster that had arrived at the studio were now huddled underneath Sain. "Yoshimo, do something!" Sain begged. "They're forming a group huddle!"
"So then you get on his shoulders, and then--" the medusa continued, before they all looked up at Sain. Sain looked back down at them. The monsters returned to their huddle, but slowly inched away.
"Don't worry, any second now, our pest control should come" Yoshimo assured the green knight, leaning against the crane, and looking at his pocket watch.
There were dull, rythmic thumping noises, as the ground started shaking. The snakes on the medusa's head started to hiss irritably. A mauthdog whimpered, and ducked underneath the cyclops. A loose eye in one of the zombie's eye sockets kept bobbing up and down with each thump.
Finally, the source of the noise peeked out from behind the studios, and stepped into plain view, revealing itself as the BIGGEST bear anyone had ever seen. If anything, this bear was certainly bigger than a small house, and that was on all fours. It stood up on its hind legs, gaining some more height, and let out a roar.
Since the monsters couldn't feel fear, they were unable to get the idea that maybe they should leave, before they got a first class, dire-bear pummeling. The bear raised her left paw, and took a long swoop at the front row of monsters, sending canines, skeletons and evil eyes flying this way and that.
As general mashing ensured, Yoshimo lowered the crane, and took his time getting Sain out of his bindings. "Excellent work, Sain. Couldn't have picked a better live--"
"Oh shut up..." Sain groaned.
A roughish young man wiped his brow, and exhaled. He wore a set of rougish, if noble, clothes, brown and navy blue in colour, and his hair was brown, tied in a ponytail. He took the bobby pin he had in his hand, and replaced it in his hair. "And that's how you pick 87 of all the world's locking mechanisims using only your ears and a bobby pin" he concluded.
Matthew was, the whole time, taking notes.
Observing from a distence were an odd pair of sorts. The first was a young woman, with braided, light green hair, tied in two ponytails. She was wearing a noble, white cleric's outfit, and wore several accessories. Her companion was a large, brutish fellow, wearing a thick suit of rust coloured armour. He had thick, dark green hair, curled into two spikes at the top, and a large, bushy beard.
"I wonder" the man said in a thick, scottish accent, "if it's morally right for Rennack to be teachin' people how to rob others blind?"
"Oh, let him have his fun, Dorza" the girl said with a smile and a shrug. "Rennack always liked to impart his unique thieving skills on eager youths."
"Well, if you're okay with it, Rachel, then it'll be fine with me."
"OY! You!" another deep, thick scottish voice shouted from behind them.
The two turned, and were confronted by a short little man with a long, blue beard, several beads lining it. He wore a horned helmet, and brown, leather armour. And on his shoulder, he rested a double ended, menacing looking axe. He had a finger pointed at Dorza. "Do ye be da dwarf-like battle-rager with a thick Scottish accent from the most recent Fire Emblem game?" the man asked coldly.
Dorza took out an axe of his own (from seemingly out of no where), and returned the other man's (or dwarf's) glare. "Aye, that I be...And ye must be Korgan, dwarf battle-rager from Baldur's Gate: Shadows of Amn."
The two kept their stare off, before Korgan broke the silence. "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" he shouted, before the two leapt at each other.
At that moment, Yoshimo and Chibi-Zell walked by, discussing things between each other. "Look, Zell, for the last time" Yoshimo said, probably annoyed, "although we might have a few jokes about Guy's feelings, we are NOT going to have a Matthew/Guy pairing on our hands. And further more--" he stopped, and looked over to his right.
"You call that a punch! This is a punch!" Korgan shouted from within the dust cloud that had formed around he and Dorza.
"Ach, you punch like me parsley laden grandmother!" Dorza retaliated, as fists continued to fly, and scottish insults brewed.
Yoshimo ran a hand down his face. "And that's the third time something like this has happened this month..." he groaned.
Back outside, a small, purple car pulled up next to Yoshimo Studios. A young man with semi-long, light purple hair stepped out. Still in costume, he was wearing a noble, purple suit, with a long, purple cape, held up by somewhat thick, golden shoulder guards. "Excuse me" he asked to no one in particular, with a soft, kind voice, "has anyone seen my mons--"
That's when the young man (better known as Leon) noticed the pile of monster carcasses piled up around the studio. Bones were scattered, eyes were poped, medusas and mauthdogs were lying dead. And a gigantic bear was holding up a macdire with it's front paws, shaking it up and down. It let out a loud, somewhat commanding roar.
"Uncle, uncle!" the macdire wailed loudly, flailing its arms.
Leon took one look at the scene, before getting back into his car, closing the door, and driving away, rather quickly.
Yoshimo read over a few lines in the transcript of one of the later episodes of the parody, and sunk down in one of the green room's soft chairs. Lucius and Raven were also in the room, sharing some coffee and bagels, and Minoa was there as well...back to reading her questionable material.
"What was I thinking?" Yoshimo groaned. "At first, I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to balance out Lyn and Florina. Now I've got Kozo, I'm going to have Legault, and I've got those two." At that, he thumbed towards Lucius and Raven.
"Hey!" Lucius huffed.
"Not to mention endless jokes about Matthew, Guy, Sain and Heath in regards to their sexuality." Yoshimo ran a hand down his face. "And the worst part is that every other girl in the parody is taken. Except for maybe--" A cold smirk played on Yoshimo's lips, as he looked up at Minoa. He righted himself in his seat, and put on a more friendly smile. "Hey, Minoa, can I ask you something?"
Minoa looked up from her book, put in a bookmark, and walked over to Yoshimo. "What is it?"
"Min, how would you feel about being cast as a bi-sexu--"
CRACK!
Minoa had punched Yoshimo square in the face before he finished his sentence, knocking his chair over. The director raised his arm. "I'll take that as a maybe?"
WHAM!
"I was kidding! I really mean I'll take that as a no!"
POW!
"What was that for?"
"Just to get my message clear."
Minoa returned to her chair, picked up her book, and left the room. Yoshimo got up, put the chair back into its right position, and sat down again. "Now what..." he grumbled.
Fiora suddenly entered the room, and smiled. "Ah, there you are, Yoshimo" she said, approaching the young director.
Yoshimo looked up at Fiora, and smirked. "Here's a thought..." he muttered under his breath. He leaned forward. "Say, Fiora, mind if I ask a legitamite question?"
"Um...alright, go ahead."
"Does lesbianisim run in the family?"
Fiora gave Yoshimo an unamused look. "Think about what you just said for a second there."
Yoshimo raised his eyes in a pondering manner, before he clued in. "Oh. Right. Very short lived family if it did."
"Besides, if you were thinking about it, you can't cast me as a lesbian. People are already crying out for Kent and I to get together."
"Oh, the fans are crying out for everything" Yoshimo sighed, before standing up. "If you'd be kind enough to follow me..."
Later, Yoshimo and Fiora entered the director's office, and Yoshimo dug through his desk. "Ah, here we are" he nodded, before pulling out a stack of reviews. He leaned his arm on top of the pile, and read one to himself. He then chuckled.
"What is it?" Fiora asked.
"Oh, it's just some of these reviews are so adorable. One of them suggests putting Guy with Priscilla to avoid having to kiss or be kissed by Kozo again. As if I was going to put Guy with anyone by the end of this."
Guy poked his head in. "Wait, I'm not paired with anyone in the end?" he asked.
"Nope" Yoshimo answered, shaking his head.
"Not even with Matthew?"
"Not him, if anyone."
"Or Kozo?"
Yoshimo kept shaking his head.
"Not even Karel?"
"Haven't even entertained the thought."
"YES! FREEDOM! FREEDOM IN ADVANCE!" Guy started dancing around excitedly.
"Of course, there are endless amounts of jokes in regards to the aformentioned relationships. Except for maybe Karel."
Guy stopped dancing, and stood in place. "Um...I'll just take my leave now..." Guy took that as his cue to exit, and slowly inched out of the room.
Yoshimo dug in his pile, and pulled out another review. "Hey, what the..." He read it over, and looked up at Fiora. "Since when did we start letting ads in our reviews?"
"We thought promoting for other productions might be a good way to make money" Fiora explained.
"But the thing's not even out yet" Yoshimo pointed out. "How can we be sure it's any good?"
"Well, the guy called himself an amateur pro or something like that" Fiora shrugged.
"Amateur pro..." Yoshimo echoed. "Isn't that a contridiction in terms?"
"Give the man a chance, Yoshimo."
"Fine. Fine. He'll have my support when his production takes off." Yoshimo put away that one, and took out a pair of reviews, before he chuckled again. "One suggests I do Hector's storyline as well, and another suggests I put in Farina. As if I weren't already."
"Well, from the parody so far, it's not immediately assumed that you are" Fiora explained.
Yoshimo shook his head. "Hey, just because I didn't to Hector's first chapter or Talons of Light doesn't mean I'm not going to do--"
"Well, you just give off that notion of not having done any of Hector's storyline. At all" Fiora explained.
Yoshimo shook his head. "What about chapter 18 double Gaiden? That's a Hector Only."
"It was an old review."
Yoshimo sighed. "Never mind" he groaned. "Look, why don't you just go and find Florina, she's probably still in shock after being licked by that mauthdog."
"See, that's what I wanted to talk to you about in the first place" Fiora explained. "I can't seem to find her."
Yoshimo raised an eyebrow. "I thought you of all pepole would know where your sister is."
"Well, I do have a guess, but if it's true, it'd be best not to disturb her."
"You don't think she's..."
"I have a strong feeling she is."
"Um...L...Lyn?" Florina stuttered. "Are you sure this is okay?"
"Of course it's okay" Lyn said with a smile. "This isn't the first time, either."
"I..I knew...so cold..."
"Ah, don't be shy. Have a go."
"Okay..."
Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.
"Mmm..." Florina and Lyn groaned together.
The young pegasus knight let out a sigh, and looked up at Lyn. "Lyn...you make the best milkshakes ever."
"It's a gift."
Fiora left the room, as Yoshimo put the review letters away. He was about to go to his desk, when a stern looking figure entered the room. He glared at the director through his cold, gray eyes. "Can we talk?" he requested poiletly, but sharply.
"Hmm? Sure, Renault." Yoshimo sat down at his desk. "What is it?"
"Well, I'm a little annoied by the fact that I didn't appear in Chapter Eighteen Gaiden. And apparently, I'm not the only one who thought that."
"Well, sorry about that, Renault. I guess you'll have to wait for your other appearance."
"But that's not until the final chapter."
"Second to final chapter."
"But that's still--!"
"Take it or leave it. Speaking of which, leave my room. Now."
"You're going to get some nasty letters about this one!"
"Put it in the pile with the other seven. Next!"
Renault stompped out of the room, cursing under his breath. Almost immediately, Sain entered. "Hey, Yoshimo, can we talk?"
"Pull up a chair, Sain."
The green knight sat across from the director, and looked him straight in the eye. "You remember that scene in one of the side chapters where I ALMOST kissed Lyn, but then she improvised by waking up at the most inconvenient moment?"
"Inconvenient for you, maybe..."
"I was wonder if maybe we could do that scene again, only without her improvising?"
"If you want to die, I suppose we could. Next!"
"But you didn't give me a straight answer."
"I said Next!"
Now it was Sain's turn to leave the room, grumbiling. And Kozo's turn to enter. "Hey. Frog-Boy."
"Would you stop calling me that?"
"We need to talk. Now." Without waiting for his consent, Kozo took a seat across from Yoshimo. "You still haven't kept your end of the bargin."
"Bargin?" Yoshimo raised his eyebrow.
"You know. Where I have to learn something by the end of this" Kozo explained, folding his arms over his chest.
"See, the problem with that is that it's hard to think of something you don't already know."
"Well, maybe if I tell you what exactly I do know. Like, for instance..."
"No, wait, shut up, I'll think of something."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Now leave. Next!"
Nergal stomped in next, as Kozo left, apparently quite pleased with himself for some unknown reason. "Hey, Yoshimo, we got a problem."
"Oh great. You expect some nice company to keep you busy, and all you get are emergancys or situations" Yoshimo groaned.
"We got some more mail that complained about the constant errors you keep making, including the whole tunic incident" Nergal explained, holding up one of the letters.
"Oh for the love of God!" Yoshimo shouted. "All you people ever do is bitch, bitch, bitch!"
WHAM!
Chibi-Zell hid his long board behind his back, and smiled. "We apologize, but we are currently experiencing some technical difficulties."
"Technical?" Yoshimo contridicted.
WHAM!
"Ow..."
Chibi-Zell grinned. "We will return you shortly to your regularily schedualed parody."