Fire Emblem 7, the Parody
Chapter 19: Dragon's Gate

Author's Notes: Four chapters in a row...ahem, anyway, to the people who keep making suggestions or have ideas...I request, very nicely, for you to stop it. Whenever you make a suggestion, it always falls into one of three categories.
1) It's so rediculous, it's never going to happen
2) It's already being done
3) It scares little Timmy over there.
Timmy: --whimper--
Also, to the fellow who had a complaint about one of the jokes in my previous chapter, and who, apparently, had not recieved either of my emails, I'll just say it here: I apologize for not contacting you first and seeing if you approved of that joke or not. We cool?

Thank you, and enjoy the show.

"Well, we're here" Winny beamed, turning to face the group.

Eliwood looked up at the building before them in awe. It was a thing like nothing they had ever seen before, clearly not built by human hands. It was as though it were waiting...waiting for the masters that abandonded it less than 1000 years ago. Massive beyond belief, these ancient ruins obviously had nothing to do with mankind. They made it. The team had arrived at the infamous Dragon's Gate.

"We're here..." Eliwood breathed. "The Dragon's Gate."

"Uh, yeah" Cecil nodded. "That's what the narraration just said."

The young dancer looked over the gates, although more pale than usual. The red haired lordling blinked, and looked over at the girl. "Ninian? What's wrong? You're trembiling..."

"This place is...frightening..." Ninian whimpered. "There is much power and danger here..."

"Man, her power must be taking full affect here..." Lyn observed.

"Power?" Hector asked.

"She has the ability to sense impending danger. Her memory may be shot, but her power must linger. Didn't you catch on the last three times this happened?"

"I thought she was just lucky."

"Argh..."

"What is it you sense, Ninian?" Eliwood asked, comfortingly. He placed his hands on her shoulders. "Please, let us know."

"Something...terrible is going to happen if I stay here...I shouldn't have come..." Ninian whimpered. Her eyes suddenly snapped wide. "This place...no...I..."

"She's getting worse" Kozo observed. "We have to get her out of here!"

"You fools aren't going anywhere!" a demanding voice echoed through the ruins. Suddenly, a pale, cloaked hand appeared out of no where, and gripped onto thin air. The arm through itself back, and the veil of nothingness lifted, revealing a man with black hair with gray highlights. His gold eyes shone, and his purple cloak fluttered around him. "This little bird escaped from her cage twice now, and now that she has returned, she is not escaping again!"

Eliwood let go of Ninian, and faced the figure, drawing his rapier. "Who are you?" he demanded.

The cloaked figure smirked, and folded his arms over his chest. "You can stop calling me cloaked figure, everyone already knows who I am." Ephidel then turned to face Eliwood, looking him right in the eye. "We meet at last. I am Ephidel, of the Black Fang."

"What, a fourth stooge?" Hector grumbled.

"And unlike those you've faced before, I'm just going to cut to the chase and take the girl, leaving you to deal with others while I get to safety, and thus not expose myself to the sharp pointiness of your weapons."

"We should've guessed it was you" Lyn pointed out, stepping forward, hand on her sword. "Leila told us about you back in Caelin."

"Lelia? Ah, she must've been an Ostian spy. Good thing we had her killed, then."

Shock washed over the majority of the group. Matthew and Hector took the biggest hit, as Ephidel dug into his robe. "I'll have to thank my Angel of Death when he returns. He's good at what he does. Oh, and just so you never forget the poor girl..." The man pulled out a small dagger, and threw it at the group. "I believe this was her's..."

The dagger landed at Matthew's feet. The thief and spy was trembiling, hands clenched in fists. Tears started to well up in his eys. "You...you..." he stuttered. He then forcefully unsheathed his two daggers. "You monster!" he screamed, before rushing at Ephidel. "I'll kill you for what you did to her!"

"What I did to her?" Ephidel asked calmly, before suddenly vanishing into thin air. Matthew skidded to a stop, and angrily looked around.

Ephidel reappeared behind Ninian. "All I did was point our Angel of Death in the right direction. Now if you'll excuse me..." Ephidel placed a hand on Ninian's shoulder, before the two of them suddenly disappeared.

Matthew fell to his hands and knees, as tears started to roll down his cheeks. "Leila...no, this wasn't supposed to happen..." he choked.

On the sidelines, Kozo gave a cheer. "Yay! He's single again! I mean..." he turned serious, and put a comforting hand on Matthew's back. "Poor thing...I think. If you need a shoulder to cry on, there's always mine."

"Buzz off."

"Touchy..."

Ephidel and Ninian reappeared within the ruins themselves, where a blue haired, heavily armoured noble who wasn't Hector waited. "Lord Ephidel!" Darin beamed. "I see the girl is with you. At last, the ritual can begin!"

"Yes, but there's still that pest problem we have waiting outside our front door" Ephidel explained calmly, dragging Ninian deeper into the ruins. "I trust you can take care of them?"

Darin beamed, and thumped a hand on his chest. "Just leave it to me!" he gafawed. "I am Marques Darin! Ruler of Lycia! No, no...Ruler of the World! Yes, that sounds right." The corrupted noble walked off, repeating that last title to himself.

Ephidel looked back, and shook his head. "Humans...such stupid creatures..." With that, the morph sage continued to drag Ninian along, until he reached the chamber where his master was waiting.

Nergal was busy adjusting the collar on his tunic, beaming. He then pouted, and adjusted his turban, making sure it still covered his right eye. He then noticed someone entering, and turned to face Ephidel. "Ah, my pet. Excellent work on retreaving the girl."

"Thank you sir. And please, would you stop calling me pet? It's very unnerving" Ephidel explained, as he threw the girl to Nergal's feet.

"Well then, now that the girl's here, we can start the ritual. And then all we need to do is--"

"Nergal!" Lord Elbert shouted from the side wall where he was (apparently) chained.

The dark druid turned to face Elbert, and smirked. "Marques Pherae...does this gall you? It's destiny, you know. There could be no other outcome. In spite your annoying mischief, the girl's still here, you're still chained to that wall, and I'm still going to blow up this wretched excuse for a human race."

"And where's my son, for that matter?" Elbert continued to shout in defience.

"Jeez, it's just one question after another with you" Nergal sighed in annoyance. "Where's my son? What are you planning to accomplish? Could you loosen these chains? Can I please have a slice of that chocolate cake you're eating? Pleaseeee?" He shook his head. "He's outside, probably going to kill Darin, and then the Black Fang is going to kill him."

"Okay, that's it" Elbert huffed, before his shackles suddenly opened. The noble dropped to the ground, and reached for a small dagger he had always kept at his side.

Nergal raised his left eyebrow in confusion. "What in the...?"

The giant door to the chamber opened wide, as Jaffar, soaked to the bone, stood at the door, looking more annoied than ever. He then noticed Elbert charging at Nergal, and proceded to draw a small dagger. He balanced it, before throwing it non-chalantly at Elbert.

THUNK! "Ah! Jesus, right in the shoulder!"

Nergal glared over at Jaffar. "You were supposed to kill him!"

"I can't kill him now" Jaffar explained calmly.

"Why not?"

"Because he wouldn't be end by the alive of the chapter when he's actually supposed to die... I mean, he has to be alive the by end of... you know what I mean."

"...Oh. Well, taking that into consideration, nice shot."

"Thank you."

"Now take that man and the girl into the back. We've got some mice to kill before the ritual can begin."

"As you wish (jackass)."

"What was that part you muttered under your breath?"

"As you wish."

"Oh, okay."

As the group continued to prepare for battle and/or cope with the loss of Leila and/or flirt shamelessly, a mouve armoured paladin rode towards the group.

Cecil looked up at the paladin, and smiled. "Can we help you?"

"...What, that's it?" the paladin asked. "I ride up during a serious scene like this and all you can say is..."

"Look, can you give us a name before you deliever the message? We weren't able to do that with Mister Stubble near the begining of the story, so we had to give him a cutesy name like that. You wouldn't like a cutesy name would you, mister Tin Head?"

"Cameron" the paladin answered quickly. "And don't call me Tin Head ever again, cape boy."

"You got it, Copper Butt."

"Rekgeck..." the paladin choked, before shaking his head. He looked over at Eliwood, and laughed. "We've been waiting for you, son of Marques Pherae."

Eliwood glared, and drew his rapier. "Where's my father?" he demanded.

"He's inside" Cameron explained. "But you won't reach him. The Black Fang posted here are going to hit you with everything we've got, so you have no chance of surviving. You might as well submit now and go home."

"And if we--"

"Op. Time's up. No more chance to surrender." With that, Cameron rode a few yards away, before shouting, "Alright, boys! Up and at 'em! We've got some pests to fumegate!"

The paladin continued to ride off, as the sound of armour tinking and hoof beatspounding filled the air. No one was in the immediate area, but everyone could tell something big was waiting for them.

"Well, time to get to work" Cecil said, before holding his hands before his body. The pendant he had equipped began to glow, giving him a bird's eye view of the field. The glowing died down, and the tactician opened his eyes. He looked to the portable table he set up, map already on it.

"Say, is anyone going to pay me?" Hannah asked. "I actually have some really valuable information this time!"

"No time to talk, Hannah" Cecil explained with a dismissing wave of his hand. "Shoo. Shoo."

"But I--"

"I said Shoo" Cecil explained looking over at Hannah and shaking his fist.

She looked away, and huffed. "Jerk..."

"Okay, team, this is going to take a bit of work, but I think I have a plan of how to go about it" Cecil explained. "First, Oswin, Dorcas, Bartre, I want you to take up Defensive Paraimeter Alpha X 9 around Merlinus's tent."

"Alpha X what now?" Bartre asked.

"Florina, Fiora, you two take Matthew up ahead and scout the area and eliminate slower moving targets. Canas, Erk, Lucius, you three will move to the front to form Delta Triangle 56 in order to take the enemy by surprise."

"Delta Triangle who?" Canas wondered aloud, tilting his head.

"Sain, you, Lowen, Rebecca and Wil will follow along side them and rain death from onhigh, using the infamous bow strategy Rain Death from Onhigh. Lyn, you, Eliwood and Kent will be on special team Defrosted Tuna. You know what you need to do."

"This is just getting silly" Lyn sighed.

"Hector, Priscilla, Serra, you will stay back here with myself and Kozo to help erect a healing center for the wounded and people we need to interogate. Guy, Raven, Dart, you will play the most important role. I want you to combine the powers of the nimble, the sturdy and the powerhouse to execute the infamous Triangle Attack, Arcane Warriors of the Black Brigade."

"I think we're all lost by now" Raven pointed out.

"... ...You know what?" Cecil continued, after a long pause. "Let's just rush in there and kick their butts."

"Break!" everyone let out, before they all began to move out.

"Ah, tut, tut, tut!" Cecil let out, rushing over towards Kozo. "Not you. You, I need you to go over there" he explained pointing over in a certain direction.

"Um...okay, why?" Kozo asked.

"I got a feeling we'll need you for some diplomacy over there, diplomacy the kind only a creepy ass gay shaman like you can give."

"And you know this how?"

"Call it a male version of woman's intuition."

"You sure it's not just woman's intuition?"

"Just shut up and go over there, alright?"

"Whatever you say, my lady."

"If you weren't on my team, I'd kill you right now... Hey, Matthew, go with him! He might need backup."

"Wh-What? Me? No way! Not unless you come too!"

"Sure. Doesn't have the least bit of interest in me."

"...I think I picked the wrong partner..."

"Ya did."

Lucius rocked back and forth on the spot, still whimpering. Raven sighed, and shook the monk. "Come on, Lucius, snap out of it! It couldn't have been that bad. Look, we need you right now, you're the only one who can use light magic. Come on, Lucius..."

The monk still whimpered, not moving.

"Damnit, there's gotta be some way to..." Raven started, before a cold grinned appeared on his face. He picked up the monk, and dragged him towards a lone, enemy axeman. He put Lucius down, and looked over at the Fang. "Hey! Big tall and ugly!" Raven shouted. "Yo mamma so fat, she--"

"RAAAGH!" the axeman shouted, not even allowing Raven to finish, before he charged. Raven instantly ducked, grabbed some of Lucius's hair, and lifted it up in the way of the axe, all in one fluid motion.

WHOOSH!

Small bits of blonde hair fell around the monk. Lucius's eye twitched, as he got out of Raven's grip, and got to his feet. "My hair...you cut my hair..." he mumbled. He then spun around, a light spell already built up in his hands. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" he shouted, before throwing his palm forward.

KAA-BOOM!

There was only a scortched circle and a pair of boots where the axeman once stood. Lucius turned to face his mercenary companion, another spell built up in his hand. "Come on, Lord Raven" he said with a grin. "Let's go kick some ass!" With that, the monk rushed off.

Raven just blinked. Kozo leaned in on the scene, and whistled in awe. "You know, he actually looks kinda hot when he's angry" he observed.

"mmm-hmm" Raven grunted.

"...Wait, what was that?" Kozo asked.

"I said mmm" the mercenary covered.

"...That's still affermative. Are you trying to say that--"

Raven drew his sword, and placed it against Kozo's neck. "We're just friends, nothing more" he growled.

"Okay, okay" Kozo explained, holding his hands up. Raven put his sword to the ground, before Kozo continued. "Ya know, your defiance to the fact only further proves in favor of the fact that you and Lucius are--okay, okay" Kozo said again, as Raven placed his sword to the shaman's neck.

The mercenary grunted again, before sheathing his sword. "Besides, aren't you at the wrong area? You're supposed to be way over there," Raven pointed in the direction the shaman was supposed to have gone. Kozo looked over his shoulder to see Cecil (with Matthew cowering behind him).

Raven then proceded to rush after the monk. Kozo watched him go for a moment, waiting until he was out of earshot. "... ...coughDENIALcough"

"Let's see..." Lowen muttered, as he continued to stir the overly tall stew pot. "The recipie now calls for some chopped Habenero peppers..." The knight took out his sword, and instantly began chopping up some peppers, and shifting them into the soup. "Hmm...maybe just a bit more..."

As the knight continued to add pepper to his soup, a large bandit leapt out of the ruins. "YA-HA!" he screamed, axe held high.

"EYA!" Lowen yelped, before instinctively grabbing his soup pot, and splashing the contents onto the enemy.

There was a hissing noise, as the bandit clenched his face. "AH! ME EYES!" he wailed.

"Ah, my soup!" Lowen yelped, noticing he had just splashed his current project all over the enemy's unwilling face. He took up his fists, and started pummeling the bandit. "I spent an hour on that, and then you come in and scare me into throwing it at you! You don't mess with a cook, bub!"

"It's like my eyes and my tongue are MELTING!" the bandit continued to wail.

The pirate flexed his muscles as he wound up his axe, before giving a large swing towards his foe. The fighter choked, and crumbled to his feet.

Dart brushed a thumb under his nose. "Yar! Behold the power of Fargus's Suicide Squad!" he laughed, before he spun around, and embedded the axe head into the gut of an enemy mercenary. Dart suddenly stopped. "I'm feeling watched...I'm actually getting some screen time...YES! This is awe--"

Meanwhile...

"GOD DAMNIT!"

A lone, cloaked figure shifted through the debries of the ruins. He brushed back his almost excessively long, violet hair, and peaked out from beneath his cover. "Perfect..." he muttered to himself, before attempting to slink to the next piece of debris, unnoticed.

Of course, that wasn't going to happen, as a young shaman happened to notice him in his slinking attempts. "Leggy!" Kozo cried happily, startling the group, as he ran over to the fang thief and jumped onto him, embracing him quickly.

"Huh? Ah, Kozo! How have you been, darling?" the thief smiled, as he returned the hug, planting a kiss on the significantly-younger shaman's forehead.

"...Darling?" Cecil stammered. "What?"

Yoshimo opened his mouth wide. "Wait, wait, what the hell is Legault doing there? The script doesn't call for him to say darling!"

"I think he's... coming out of the closet, I guess you could say," came the answer from behind him, from a very scared-looking Guy.

"What? Wait, if Legault likes guys... then did I waste a perfectly good table on Kozo?"

"Looks that way."

"GOD DAMNIT!"

"Oh!" Kozo grinned, turning around while still in Legault's embrace. "Guys, this is Legault. All the Black Fang know him as 'The Hurricane'. He used to be my... well, you get the idea" Kozo smiled happily.

"Oh, so this is what you're up to now!" Legault smirked. "Travelling around with these people? I wondered what happened to you when you left... and then Damien came running here a couple days ago, like a little school girl, talking about a traitorous shaman. I should've known it was you, darling..."

Kozo giggled happily.

"Wait... if Kozo knows you, and you're Black Fang..." Cecil blinked. "Kozo, were you...?"

"Not officially. But that's not important..." Kozo nodded, then quickly turned back to Legault. "Umm... wait, Leggy..."

"Can you please not call me that?"

"Leggy, are we gonna have to fight? Since we're kinda fighting the Black Fang and..." Kozo seemed anxious.

"Of course not! I was gonna leave anyway. This place isn't fun anymore ever since that Nergal guy showed up..."

"...Ner... gal?" Kozo blinked.

"Oh, yeah, he's behind you-know-who controlling Reed..." Legault tried to explain. "I don't understand, but that's the gist of it. It's all to confusing, so I'm leaving. And if you want, I'll help you."

"You would? YAY!" Kozo quickly grabbed Legault again and kissed him.

"...I've never seen him this hyper before..." Cecil muttered.

"Well, if he's with this Legault guy..." Matthew sighed in relief. "Then maybe I don't have to put up with him any more..."

"I said he used to be my boyfriend, cutie. You're still quite welcome to fill that position."

"Hmm? Who's this handsome man, darling?" Legault perked up, inspecting Matthew.

"...There's...there's two of them..." Matthew's eyes opened wide in shock, before he ran away screaming at the top of his lungs. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH"

Cecil sighed. "Well, umm... mister Legault... nice to have you on board. I'm the tactician, Cecil."

"...Tactician? You're not the tactician, Kozo?" Legault blinked.

"We split it. He's not near the mind I am though, Leggy..." Kozo grinned.

"Yeah, he doesn't much look like it. And please stop calling me Leggy."

"Hey, yeah, forget the fact that I'm standing RIGHT HERE and keep on insulting me!" Cecil chipped in sarcastically. And then he got curious. "Hey, Kozo... umm... can I ask you something?"

"Oh, sure" Kozo blinked, somehow separating himself from Legault. "What?"

"Why do you keep calling him Leggy?"

"It's so embarrassing..." Legault sighed. "It's treating me like a sixteen-year-old..."

"It's 'cause he's got legs like a..."

"Okay, just stop there, forget I asked! Let's get going!" Cecil quickly interrupted.

Dart glared, arms folded over his chest. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" he grumbled.

Yoshimo looked up from bashing his head into the wall, and looked over at Dart. "What do you mean, pirate boy?"

"You cut off my scene on purpose."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

"I don't know, maybe give me a bit more screen--"

Meanwhile...

"GOD DAMNIT! AGAIN!"

"Everyone" Kozo said, as he and Legault stood before every last member of the crew, the camera not focusing in on any one of them in particular, "this is Legault, member of the Black Fang. And, Leggy, these are the people I am currently working with. Legault, everyone. Everyone, Legault. Ex, a large crowd of idiots. Large crowd of idiots, my ex."

"I feel mildly insulted" Bartre huffed.

"Well, it is good to see you all" Legault said with a dramatic bow. "And yet at the same time, it's highly frustrating. Now the treasure's going to be gone before I can get to it. I was going to leave this island and sell the treasure in Bandon and live off the retail values."

"Hey, guys, look what I found!" Matthew suddenly shouted, rushing in, carrying a single treasure chest in his arms. "In my mad run as though I were a school girl, I found a treasure horde, and you can't imagine some of the things I found!"

"Wait, you actually admit to running around like a scared little school girl?" Cecil asked.

"What can I say? He's creepy."

"Wait, which he? Legault or Kozo?"

"Now that I think about it, both of them. Anyway, behold!" Matthew placed down the treasure chest, and opened the top. Inside were the classic treasure materials (like gold and specters and crowns), but also seven special items set at the top. There were three gray rings with rubies at the top, a magical symbol craved into the rubies. As well, there were four creasts, two with a yellow base and red swirls, the other two with a red base and yellow swirls.

"Feast your eyes on these trinkets, my friends" Matthew said with a smile on his face. "Three Guiding Rings" he offered, holding up the pieces of jewelry. "A nessecity for any magi who wants to further his training in the art of turning the world and your foes inside out." He placed the jewelery back on the pile, before producing one of the yellow creasts. "A Knight's Creast, a symbol of honour, strength, and purity, required to make any knight or cavalier the best they can be. And finally..." he concluded, before placing away the Knight's Creast, and taking the red shield, "this, my friends, is none other than a Hero's Creast. A symbol of strength, determination, and the unquenchible lust to become the greatest sword, axe or lance in the universe. This is the stuff that heroes, swordmasters and warriors of yore are made of."

Matthew then placed the creast down, and beamed. "Now as you know, these artifacts choose their master, so those who lack confidence in your strength, I'd suggest you just sit back and watch the seperation of the men from the boys."

There was a loud cough from Serra and Priscilla. "And the women from the girls, of course."

There was some audiable chatter amongst the group, before Guy stepped forward. Dorcas soon followed, and stood next to the small myrmidon. Well, small compared to Dorcas. Sain and Kent then approached, then Serra and Erk, and finally Lucius.

"Well boys" Matthew explained, "I believe you know how these things work. So show us some fancy transformation sequences!"

Erk smirked, and raised his right arm up high. He then slipped the Guiding Ring onto his index finger, and there was a brillient white flash of light. Erk folded his arms over his chest, as the background turned into a streaming layer of flamey colours. Erk began to glow red, as fire danced around him. He spread his arms wide, and the fire parted, the light flashing again.

As the scene returned to normal, Erk still stood, eyes closed, arms spread wide. Nothing much seemed to happen.

Flop. The hood of Erk's cape flipped down, and magically pinned itself to the collar. Erk opened his eyes, and blinked. "...What, that's it? A spiffy, long transformation scene, and all that happened was my hood getting permanently pinned down?"

"Oh, wait..." Cecil held up his hand, and took out a staff from Merlinus's inventory. He tossed it over to Erk, who caught it easily. The tactician beamed. "Okay, now do it again. It'll be cooler this time."

"No." Erk stomped off, cursing under his breath.

Lucius watched all that, fidgeting the ring between his fingers. He looked at the little accessory, and shrugged. "The church has one or two regulations on hair length. Maybe I can do something about this awkwardly long hair now..." He raised his right arm, and was about to slip on the ring, when Kozo interrupted him.

"I thought you liked your long hair" he observed.

"It was fun in the past, but now it's just getting awkward" Lucius explained, before lowering the ring towards his index finger.

"But you looked so pretty..."

"I don't want to be pretty!" Lucius shouted. He then raised his right arm, and quickly brought down his ring. Another bright flash of light erupted around the monk, and the transformation began.

A beam of holy light shined around Lucius, as he spread his arms wide. His blue robes became sturdier, more defined, and possesed a more formal look. His white cloak flew away in an unknown breeze, revealing underneath a thin, pale blue cape that hung around the monk's shoulders.

A long, white staff appeared in his right hand, a sapphire encrusted at the top. Lucius opened his eyes, and waved his staff, as the holy light vanished. He smiled widely. "A bishop at last..." he sighed. "Every monk's dream. Now I--wait a minute."

He placed a hand on the middle of his back, and his eyes widened. Not only was the hair still there, but it seemed to have gotten longer. As a monk, it only went to the middle of his back. He slid his hand down, until his found the ending point of the hair: the middle of his buttocks.

"OH GOD DAMNIT!" Lucius cursed, before storming over back to Raven and Priscilla, grumbiling.

Kent and Sain, the knights of Caelin, were next. They placed the Knight's Creasts over their hearts, and pushed them deeper to their chest. Light shined off their armour, as they both became fuller, covering their whole whole body, instead of just the chest. Two armet helmets hovered over the knights, and quickly slapped down onto them.

Sain's armour now shone like emerald, whilst Kent kept his crimson gleam. The green knight looked left and right, before he lifted the visor of his helm. "Hey, I like the armour and all..." he observed, "but where are our horses?"

There was a neighing behind the two. They looked towards the noise, and saw a beautiful white stallion with a golden mane gallop towards them. It majestically bounded on its last stride, and landed next to the knights. Sain was drooling.

Kent approached the horse, and mounted. "Sain, this is my horse" he explained plainly.

Sain stopped salavating, and pouted. "Well then, where's my ride?" he complained.

Kent pointed at something next to Sain's feet. The green knight looked, and his eyes sunk. "Oh, you're kidding me."

"Baaaa" Sain's steed let out, before it continued to graze.

Guy let out a little gulp, hoping his transformation scene wouldn't be as...rediculous as the ones before him. He held aloft the Hero's Creast, and took a deep breath. Cherry Blossoms started to fly around him, before there was a loud banging of a tribal drum.

The myrmidon's battle tunic began to grow, before they reached his feet. His sword started to shift, becoming sleeker, and more ornate. Soon, there was a final pound on the drum, and the cherry blossoms faded away. Guy looked over his costume, and let out a sigh of relief. "And through all this, nothing silly happened" he said contently. He then blinked. "Wait...there seems to be a weight on my back..."

He looked over his shoulder, and noticed a chibi-Kozo dangiling off his ponytail. He gave a pleading look towards Matthew. "Please tell me that's not a permanent part of the costume..."

Next up was the large fighter, Dorcas. He gripped the Hero's Creast in both hands, and let out a large grunt, as he tore it in half. Red sparks of magical energy started to flow into the warrior, as he grew taller by a few inches. His muscles became larger, and at the same time, more refined. His simple, yellow tunic was encased in padded, gray leather armour, and a large axe embedded itself out of nowhere in the ground before the warrior. And on his back now rested an cherrywood longbow, and a small quiver of arrows.

Dorcas focused his vision, and noticed on the ground were also two shoulder guards and a helmet. He raised an eyebrow. "And these weren't instantly added on...why?" he asked simply.

"Well, come on!" Matthew groaned. "You tore the bloody thing in half! You gotta show these things more respect!"

Dorcas sighed, and shrugged his shoulders. "Well, it's not like I can't put these on myself..." he said, before bending down to pick them up.

"Oooh! Let Bartre help his teacher!" Bartre begged, instantly rushing over and grabbing the armour on the ground.

"No, Bartre, wait, put those down" Dorcas started begging. "Bartre, those...no, Bartre, that's not supposed to...you don't put that over on the..." Dorcas sighed in defeat. "Thank you, Bartre..." he grumbled. A shoulder guard rested on his head, and two, horned helmets rested on either shoulder.

"How'd that boy get two helmets and a shoulder guard out of one helmet and a pair of guards?" Cecil wondered out loud.

Dorcas took the pieces of armour like equipment, and instantly rearranged them. Now, two spiked, sturdy shoulder guards rested where they should be, and a single, yellow, horned helmet rested on his head.

"What I want to know is how Dorcas got two shoulder guards and a helmet out of two helmets and a single shoulder guard, which Bartre in turn got from--" Kozo started.

"Kozo, stop, before my brain bleeds again..." Cecil sighed in defeat.

Finally, it was Serra's turn. She elegantly slipped on the guiding ring, and a flashy anime cartoon transformation background (you know what I mean) developed. She began to spin, as a ring of light enveloped her. It slid down her body, turning her pink scarf into a long, pink cape. Her robes became a light, violet colour, as well as turning a little glossier. Two, purple gloves went onto her hands, and her staff shifted, looking much more regal than before.

She opened her eyes, as the scene returned to normal. She beamed widely, and jumped for joy. "Alright! I'm a magic girl! My life long dream has been fulfilled!"

"Yeah" Sain nodded, approaching Serra. "Now all you need is pseudo-lesbian relationship with one of the other females in the party, and you're set." He leaned in towards Serra, and continued, in a loud whisper, "I personally suggest Priscilla."

Kent huffed, and smacked Sain upside the head. "Ow, the back of my head!" Sain whined. Erk then bashed his staff into Sain's face. "Ow, the front of my face!" Cecil finished up with a strong punch to the jaw. "Ow, the side of my mandible!"

"Well then, if everyone is done squandering what was to be my retirement fund..." Legault huffed, "I suppose we should get back to the matter of those nomads and cavaliers that are charging towards us?"

Everyone turned from watching Sain getting pummeled, and noticed the squadren of horsemen charging towards them, Cameron at the front. The paladin was smirking evilly, brandishing a long halberd in one hand.

"Eliwood of Pherae!" Cameron shouted across the space between them. "Your time is up! I am the reaper of the dead, and I shall--"

"HI!" Winny Gnome suddenly greated, coming in out of nowhere.

The horse Cameron was riding winnied in fright, and bucked off its rider. Cameron screamed as he hit the ground, and dropped his halberd. Of course, the other horsemen were too busy in their charge, and didn't stop for their master. Instead, the first nomad rode right over him.

"Ow, my head!" Cameron yelped.

A cavalier then rode over his legs.

"Ow, my feet!"

Then another nomad...

"Ow, my head!"

And another cavalier...

"Ow, my feet!"

The cavalier peered over his shoulder. "Keep your chin up, Sir Cameron!" he instructed, before continuing his ride. Another nomad rode over Cameron.

"Ow, my chin!"

By the time the final horse rider, a troubadour, noticed Cameron's condition, every other horseman (including Lowen and Kent, for the heck of it) had trampled the poor paladin. The troubadour gasped. "Everyone! Our commander has fallen!"

Everyone stopped, and looked at the mangled and stomped on knight. His arm twitched. "I'll be okay...if we can just fix this broken femur in my leg..."

"The commander is down!" a cavalier gasped.

"We can't go on without him!" a nomad continued.

"These fools must be more powerful than we thought!" a second cavalier observed.

"Weren't they the ones who flattened him?" Fiora pointed out, eyebrow raised.

"Retreat!" the troubadour ordered, before everyone rode off...trampiling Cameron in their retreat.

"Oh, god...my dorsal fin..."

(If you're wondering just why he said this - and you probably are - then I'll flash you forward for a moment. When he was finally recovered by Black Fang troops, long after the battle was over, he was found to have taken one too many hooves to the head, and now believed himself to be a dolphin. As such, they fittingly through him into the water, where he remained happily ever after following that, swimming amongst his friends and performing tricks in front of small children, involving hoops and rubber beach balls)

"And so I said to her There's no way you could pick up chicks using a pegasus" Darin continued. "And then she said--"

"Sir, I've already heard this story three times now" a Black Fang Knight sighed.

"I don't care, I'm going to finish this train of thought anyway! ...Crap, you guys have made me lose it."

"Marquess Laus!" Eliwood shouted, as he, Lyn and Hector burst into the room, weapons drawn.

"Ah, crap again!"

"For your crimes against Pherae, nay, all of Elibe" Eliwood proclaimed dramatically, "I sentence you to death!"

Marquess Laus began to laugh. "Ah-ha! You can't kill me! I am to be ruler of the world! I'm not about to let some kids stop me now!"

"Children, eh?" Eliwood continued, shifting into a lunging stance. "Well, let me show you just how childish we can BE!" On that last word, he bounded forward, and thrust his rapier towards the corrupt noble.

It's not like Eliwood missed or anything, it's just that upon contact with the thick armour, the rapier just snapped in half. Eliwood stood stunned, and looked at the broken sword.

Hector nudged Lyn in the side. "Okay, you're up."

"Are you kidding me? Eliwood's weapon broke instantly! It had, like, 13 uses left! There's no way I'm risking a broken Mani Katti, here!"

"Well then" Hector sighed, lifting Wolf Beil off his shoulder, "I guess it's up to me." He glared towards Marquess Laus, and gave a feral scream as he dashed towards him. He bounded into the air, and his axe came down swiftly. However, only the tiniest dent was made in the armour.

"Well, we're screwed" Lyn sighed, arms folded over her chest.

"We have to think of a better strategy" Eliwood observed.

"No!" Hector said stubbornly. "I say we stick to smashing him to pieces!"

"We tried that, Hector. It didn't work" Lyn said calmly, if annoied.

"A hero must stick with his strengths. And smashing is my strengths. I just need to find the right way to smash him!"

Meanwhile, Dorcas and Bartre watched from the sidelines, as Hector tried various methods of pounding Darin to a pulp (all of which were failing). Bartre looked up at his mentor. "Do you not still have that Warhammer?"

"Yes, Bartre, I do."

"And does it not shatter through any armour in the game?"

"Yes it does."

"So why are you not rushing in there executing Warhammer-y justice?"

"I want to see how long this can go on."

After another minute and seventeen other failed methods to smash open a General, Erk breezed in, already holding a ball of fire in each hand. "I'd suggest you duck, Lord Hector."

Instantly, Hector dove off Marques Laus, before Erk threw both fireballs, shouting out his spell. "Elfire!"

When the two fireballs connected, and pillar of flames erupted underneath the noble. He stood there, charred and twitching, before falling over in a heap.

"See, now technically, that isn't smashing."

"So, who wants to deal the killing blow?" Hector asked.

"Ooh! Ooh! I wanna!" Eliwood cheered, hand raised.

"But your weapon is broken."

"...Crap..."

"I'll do it, then" Lyn said, taking out her Mani Katti. "He killed my grandfather, now it's time for me to pay him back."

"But your grandfather's okay, and--"

"Ssh." With a quick swing of her katana, a large gash in the already weakened armour was made, and blood started to crawl its way out.

Darin's lower lip quivered, as he touched his deep wound. "Blood? Is this...my blood? No...no...Ephidel! Come to me! Your master calls you! I was to be...ruler...of the world..." With that, his raised arm flopped to the ground, and he ceased moving.

"Well, that was an unesscessary attempt at a pathos" Lyn shook her head. "He was mad..."

"Blinded by his own greed...pitful fool" Hector coughed.

"...Lord Darin..." Eliwood started.

"Come on, Eliwood, this is no time for sentiments, we've got a father to save and a reunion scene to achieve!" Hector said, patting his friend on the shoulder.

"...Right" Eliwood nodded. "Let's go."

"Hey Nergal, you're needed for the next scene" Yoshimo explained, approaching Nergal.

"Hmm?"

"Eliwood and the others are approaching the gate. Your big scene is coming up."

"Oh! Right! I'm on my way!" The old acter started to rush towards the set.

"Um, I wouldn't go out there in what you're wearing" Yoshimo pointed out. "We were already lynched once for you forgetting to put on your proper costume."

"Huh? Oh, you're right! I need my ceremonial, ominous black robes!" Nergal grabbed said robes, which rested on the coffee table. "I'll be with you in five."

The room was almost pitch black. The only detail the nobles could see was the door they came through. "Father! Father!" Eliwood shouted. "It's me, your son! Eliwood! I've come to save you!" He looked around, before letting out, meekly, "Father?"

"Argh, it's so dark in here, I can't even see my hand in front of my face..." Lyn complained.

"E...Eliwood..." a weak voice coughed from further in the room. "I'm over here..."

"Father!" Eliwood cheered. He started to approach the voice.

"That's it...a little closer...closer...closer...TOO CLOSE! TOO CLOSE!" Crunch! "Ah, my meta-carpels!"

"Father!" Eliwood cheered, as he bent down, and helped his father to his feet. "Father, you're alright! ...Except for your hand. Sorry about that."

"Never mind that now, just take the girl and get out of here!" Elbert ordered.

The three looked over, and noticed the faint outline of Ninian through the darkness. "Ninian? She's here too?" Hector gasped.

"Of course she is! So are the rest of us, you idiot!" Kozo shouted, as he and Cecil came in through the door.

"That girl..." Elbert continued. "That girl is the key to Dragon's Gate. Hurry! Go before Nergal notices you!"

"Nergal?" Cecil wondered outloud. "Wasn't he that creepy guy that Legault mentioned?"

Eliwood took Ninian by the arm. "Come on, we have to get out of here!"

Hector took a hold of Elbert by the waist, and hoisted him onto his shoulder. "Hope you don't mind, sir!" Hector pointed out.

"Very much appreciated" Elbert nodded.

"We should be thankful for this darkness" Lyn nodded, as the team made a run for the door. "With it, we can make an easier escape."

Click.

Jaffar stood at the entrance, sipping soda through a straw, and finger on the light switch. Lyn hung her head. "You know...I could almost see that coming as I said those words..."

The assassin instantly threw away the plastic cup, and drew his daggers. "You shall not pass" he said coldly.

"Couldn't you have putten a little more flare into that? I mean, it's a famous line, and--" Cecil explained.

"That's not my style" Jaffar shrugged, still gripping his swords.

"Don't fight this man!" Elbert shouted from Hector's shoulder. "You can't defeat him on your own, he's too powerful!"

"For the record" Cecil asked, looking over at Kozo, "how powerful is he?"

"Mm, about a level 13 Assassin. At this point, yeah, he'd kick our asses, especially since he's carrying a Killing Edge" Kozo explained.

"And that gives him a Critical Chance of what?"

"Mmm, 60-ish."

"What?"

Ephidel suddenly appeared next to Jaffar, and smirked coldly. "You should heed your father's advice, child. Even among the Fang, this man is feared for his skill. You are no match for him, not even in a group." He then patted Jaffar on the shoulder. "You've done very well, Jaffar. Now, return to Bern and begin your next assignment."

Jaffar stood, still poised for attack, but then nodded, and sheathed his swords. "As you command (you visually impared, cliff tossing son of a--)"

"What was that last part?"

"As you command."

"That sounded a lot longer than--"

"No, no, it's legit." With that, Jaffar left.

"You know, now that he's gone" Cecil observed, "you think we have more of a chance?"

"Mmm...no, no, this guy's about a level 18 Sage with...what I think to be a Fimbulveter spell."

"A what?"

"Powerful Anima magic."

"Ah crap. Just how powerful is it?"

"Oh, about third strongest in the world." Kozo looked over at Hector. "Hey, loudmouth, how are you in terms of Resistence?"

"Eh, about four, five-ish."

"Yeah, he'd kill us in one go" Kozo explained.

"Oh double crap."

"So what are we supposed to do?" Eliwood asked.

"Running seems like the number one option" Cecil pointed out.

"...I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with the idiot. Let's scram" Kozo ordered.

Ephidel flipped his robe, and a small squad of rather strong looking brigands stood at the door. "You're not going anywhere just yet. Besides, Nergal has an invitation for you. In honour of your hard-fought arrival, he's prepared a special show for you."

"No...you're not..." Elbert gasped. "You're not going to release the dragons, are you?" he shouted.

"Release the what?" Eliwood asked, looking over at his father.

"You're about to find out" Ephidel smirked coldly, before raising his arm. "At the expense of your father's life!"

The dark sage pointed a pale finger at Elbert, before the noble started to trumble. He choked, and fell off of Hector's shoulder. He clenched his chest, and began screaming in pain.

"Father!" Eliwood shouted, letting go of Ninian, and rushingtoo his father's side.

Ninian raised her head, eyes wider, if still blank. "P...power..."

"Excellent..." a man who had suddenly appeared beside Ninian, dressed in black robes and a dark turban, smiled coldly as he spoke. "Now, Ninian, open the Dragon's Gate!"

For future reference, we will refer to this man as Nergal from now on, mostly because the rest of us already know who he is, so it would be highly pointless for us to call him, for instance, 'the man in the dark cloak and turban'.

Ninian approached the gate, and she spread her arms wide.

"Ninian, don't!" Kozo shouted, rushing over to the girl.

Ephidel huffed, and pointed another finger at Kozo. A sharp bolt of lightning hit the shaman square in the back, knocking him over, and draining him of that adrenaline drive. "We can't have you interfering now, traitor" Ephidel explained. "You knew full well what was going to happen."

"You knew?" Cecil called over.

"Well, I had my suspicions when we had to come here of all places, but I tried not to think too hard about it," Kozo admitted.

"Gate... Open gate..." Ninian began to speak, still quite blank in the eyes.

"That's it... this way, dragons. Come to me..." Nergal growled.

"Wait a second, he's serious about these dragons, isn't he?" Cecil demanded, as the ground began to shake a bit.

"I'm going to hazard a guess here and say that this earthquake isn't actually caused by the world's tectonic plates shifting, but actually by something really, really massive," Canas called over.

"Come to me... Children... of Flame..." Ninian called out, her voice getting louder, but equally emotionless.

The front of the gate erupted in a brilliant vortex of flame. The trembling of the earth began to grow more powerful. And then...

Seeing as this is a long chapter, we're going to take a short interleude for you to get something to eat.

Hunger satisfied? Good.

Crawling its way out of the gate was a massive, reptillian creature. Its red, jagged scales stood out, and it thrashed it's pointed and scaely head side to side, letting out a massive roar. It folded its wings out, and let out a small whisp of flames from its nostrils.

"Oh, that...can't be good..." Cecil whimpered.

(At this point, we'd like to tell you that it has recently been identified that suspense can kill a person, due to the stress it causes. So, just so you don't die from the suspense in case you haven't already played this game through, the only casualty here is Ephidel. Also, somebody gets a bruise on their upper arm. We won't say who, as to keep from completely ruining everything, but as this is totally unimportant to the plot the suspsense shouldn't kill you...)

"Wait, the only casuality is who?" Ephidel let out.

"Is that...really a dragon?" Eliwood gasped.

"Yeah, sure looks like it" Sain nodded from the back.

Guy hid behind Matthew, shivering. "Save me, Matthew! I don't wanna die a hot, burning death!"

"You're the promoted character here, I should be hiding behind you!"

Of course, both of them were simply too scared of the dragon to notice the throng of fangirls that had happily begun to hang onto their every word.

Nergal let out an evil cackle. "Yes, use all of your strength! Squeeze every last drop from your body! You will call the dragons!"

"I will not allow this!" shouted a voice from nowhere.

Ephidel looked around, before spotting the cause of the voice, who had dramatically leapt out of nowhere, and started playing his own, heroic tune on his flute. "What the...you!" he shouted.

"Nils?" Lyn gaped in amazment.

"Of all the people to be dramtically rescued by" Dorcas observed, "I'd never once thought it'd be that kid..."

Nils rushed over to his sister, and started tugging at her arm. "Come on, sis! You've got to get a hold of yourself! You can't actually summon this dragon here! That'll only spell big trouble, and what would mother think of that?"

Ninian's eyes began to regain their light. "N...Nils?" she whispered.

Nergal pulled at his turban. "Argh, no, not now! Ephidel, stop them!" he shouted.

"Easily, master" Ephidel smirked, getting into range of the two children. He started mumbiling some magic words, as icy winds began to billow around him.

Now, by this point, Kozo had regained his adrenal rush, and leapt in the way of the children and the spell, seemingly brushing it off. At this, Ephidel was stunned. "Wh...wh..how...I'm a Level 18 Sage with the third most powerful spell of Anima Magic! How did you--"

"I cast Luna!" Kozo retorted. "Don't you know that Shamanism beats Anima any day?"

By this time, Ninian had stopped being so robot like, and shook her head. "Nils? Wh...what's going on?"

"Talk later!" Nils shouted, grabbing his sister's arm. "We've got to get the heck out of here!" With that, he started to run. "Let's go!"

The other members of the good guys got the message, and began a mad rush towards the door, easily bursting through the enemy line. Of course, during the run, one the party members stumbled, but got to his feet. Coincidently, this was the same character who we said bruised their upper arm.

Nergal looked over the scene again, before sighing, and teleporting out.

Now, without Ninian's power to hold it together, the dragon began to fade, and be sucked back through the gate. The vortex, however, was catching everyone in the room, including Ephidel. The sage screamed, and clinged to the ground, trying to avoid his non-existence fate. "Lord Nergal! Lord Nergal, please, come back!"

The pull became too strong, and Ephidel was sucked in, along with the dragon. "I hate you peopleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" With that, the morph was no more. Or, at least, that's what everyone could assume.

Outside the Dragon's Gate, Eliwood hunched over, gasping for breath. Hector gently placed down Elbert, who was still groaning in pain. Lyn wiped her brow. "I think the worst is over."

"I don't believe this!" Nergal suddenly shouted, teleporting in. "Nils, you whelp! If it wasn't for your interference..." Nergal shook his fists.

"Or, I could be wrong..." Lyn sighed.

"So, what's the stats on this guy?" Cecil asked. "Or am I going to regret asking?"

Kozo pondered a bit. "Mmm...I'd say Level 20 Dark Druid."

"Dark Druid? What's that?"

"Something akin to your worst nightmare."

"Oh crap!"

"That's it, you're coming with me!" Nergal shouted, lunging towards Nils and Ninian.

He was blocked by Kozo, who had leapt in front defensively. "Not happening."

"Yeah! We'll never go with you!" Nils shouted, standing in a similarly defensive pose in front of Ninian.

"Try and stop me..." Nergal growled, raising a hand back to cast a spell.

It never hit - there was the sound of metal skewering through flesh, and Nergal choked.

"Wh-what?" Nergal demanded, slowly turning around, to see Lord Elbert, hand on a short sword that was in Nergal's back.

"I told you... Nergal... I'm always... gonna oppose... you..." Elbert growled.

"Damnit!" Nergal shouted, kicking Elbert a good one in the face. "Why can't some people just stay dead?"

And with that, he teleported away.

"Father!" Eliwood gasped, catching his father before he fell over.

Elbert coughed, and smiled up at his son. "Eliwood...be prepared. He will return..."

"I could only guess" Eliwood sighed. "But for now...let's get off this island. Let's go home..."

Elbert shook his head, and coughed again. "No, my son. I'm am done...you must leave this island...finish what I've started."

"What? No, father, don't say things like that!" Eliwood shouted, shaking his father. "You're going to make it!"

"Yeah, keep it up, Eliwood! It worked for me and my grandfather!" Lyn cheered.

"This is different, though" Cecil pointed out. "Your father threw out his back and got slightly poisened. This man was stabbed repeatedly!"

"I'm just trying to give him SOME hope before his father pops it..."

"Mother is waiting for you in Pherae" Eliwood continued. "Everyone is waiting!"

"Ah, Eleanora..." Elbert said, a weak smile on his face. "She will be cross with me. Eliwood...tell your mother...I'm sorry...and that her favorite underwear is underneareth the sofa in the servant's quarters."

Cecil stroked his chin. "What an interesting choice of last words. Truely a message for the ages."

Eliwood's tears openly flowed. "No...dad, not now...not after all we've done to find you..."

Because this about to get really depressing, we are going to show you a short, cute scene of two cute little kitty cats singing.

"Mew."

Now back to our regularily shecdualed program.

"That was the most pointless scene ever put in any movie" Yoshimo pointed out. "And yet it worked so well..."

Eliwood and company returned to Fargus's ship, a solemn air hanging over their heads. Captain Fargus and Sir Marcus approached, obviously bored while they waited. "So, did you find Lord Elbert?" Marcus asked.

"Yes..." Eliwood said with a sob. "But we were too late to save him." He kicked the dirt. "Ah, curse my eyes!"

Fargus gasped. "You have a woman's eye, milord!" he shouted. "I'll wager neither of those eyes have been pecked out by an angry woodpecker, whilst trying to protect what was left of your almost depleted ship with your life!"

"While neither of yours have either!" Eliwood snapped.

"Wanna bet?" Fargus asked, before blinking out his left eye, revealing it to be glass.

"Holy hell, that is disgusting!" Eliwood gaped.

Marcus smacked him upside the head. "Don't curse! And don't stare either! It's rude!" Marcus huffed. He then folded his arms over his chest, and noticed Legault standing nearby. "And who's this fellow?"

Legault smiled, and bowed. "Legault, good sir. Former Hurricane of the Black Fang, and master thief."

"..." Marcus looked over at Eliwood. "And you trust him to be with our party?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"He's a thief."

"How does that work?"

"I trust him" Kozo said with a grin.

"I don't trust you either! I can't trust you as far as I can throw you! Which is pretty far, let me tell you..."

"Come on, let's just go home..." Eliwood sighed. "There is nothing left for us on this island..."

A blonde haired knight poked his arm out of the cell. "Hello? Anyone out there? Sole surviving Knight of Pherae needing assistence here. ...Hello? ...Ah crap..."
"Well, that chapter's finally over with" Yoshimo let out a sigh of relief.

"Yeah" Winny nodded. "Now all that's left is the Wheel of Morality!"

"Why did I agree to put that at the end of every chapter past 11..." Yoshimo groaned, before following the little gnome towards the single dial.

The director gripped the wheel, and spun it half-heartedly. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn, tell us the lesson that we should learn."

The dial stopped, and paper printed out next to it. "Moral Number 2. And the moral of today's story is..." Yoshimo read over the paper. "...It's amazing what you can do with two pounds of lead and a baked potato. ...I don't get it. As always."

"Actually, I get it perfectly" Winny observed. "This is giving me several ideas now."

Yoshimo groaned again. "That's it. I'm staying inside for the next two months...Until next time folks...you know what, no words of wisdom today past the wheel. Just...just go home already."

Cecil had bruised his upper arm in the retreat.