マリクの留守番電話
Malik's Answering Machine!
I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Or lasagna, for that matter, but the war against the chef who patented lasagna and me is a whooooole different story. And I shouldn't talk about it here. It's classified by the government. I do not own the idea for insert thing here 'R Us, I copied it from my favorite author here, Sonic19902. An important note! I did not review my own story. That was my lil' sis. Please excuse her. nn;; That happens from time to time. He he he. Oh, and I'm sorry times a ZILLION for not updating this sooner! I should have!
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"It's so sweet of you to stay for dinner," Yugi's mom told Malik. A warm smile was plastered sincerely on her face. For those of you who have never seen Yugi's mom, she's tall, skinny, and has short, red hair. She looks nothing like Yugi or his grandpa. --; Ish just so weird.
Malik blushed lightly. "Uhh, thank you ma'am." The platinum blonde tried to smile back as warmly as she had, but it came across as really geeky. Geeky, but cute. Next to him, Yugi giggled in that extremely girly way that only he could get away with. Not even Tea could get away with it. Nuh-uh, no she couldn't. Stop arguing with me! ONLY YUGI CAN/COULD! Save the whales.
The short, cute blondie was wearing a white Neopets t-shirt with a blue aisha on it, and baggy, light blue jean shorts. Malik was wearing his usual Battle City outfit. Ashamed as he was to admit it, he had wanted to look cool for Yugi when he came over to play video games in his room. It must have worked beautifully, because Yugi glomped Malik immediately upon sight. The two had decided they were definitely a couple, and all of the readers' doubts dissipated for good. - Happy?
"No!" came about a dozen replies. "I hate shounen-ai!"
.. Touchy, touchy. But you will stay for the humor, will you not? I certainly hope so.
Yami was standing by the window, peering into the tenebrous outside world. "Hey Solomon?" he started to ask.
"It's Grandpa," Grandpa Motou corrected him. "That's what it says on my birth certificate. And what is it?"
"Why is there an angry mob outside our house?" Grandpa "Solomon" Motou shrugged.
"Don't worry about it. It's not like it's a group of angry, anti-shounen-ai reviewers who are unhappy with this fan fiction." Solomon shrugged and sipped his tea, pinky extended. Yugi sweat dropped out of embarrassment.
"I'm not related to him, I swear," Yugi said. This caused Yami's gaze to shift from outside, to Solomon, to Yugi. Yami stared intensely, which, as you will eventually figure out, he does a lot, especially in this chapter.
"But Grandpa… they have pitchforks," Yami pointed out, his gaze unshifting. He cringed as he said the word "pitchforks". Solomon cringed, but for a different reason. Yugi's grandfather cringed, feeling violated under the harsh glare of Yami's intense amethyst gaze.
"Um…"
"Did you know three people at this table have purple eyes?" Mrs. Motou said cheerfully, bending over with her hands on her hips. "Hm? Did you know it? Hm? And that makes six purple eyes! Six!"
Yugi blushed a little out of embarrassment. Hidden by the tablecloth, Malik's hand found his. Malik caressed his hand reassuring, and Yugi let out a small smile. This, however, turned into an unhappy frown once he realized Yami's glare was aimed at him. Chills ran up and down all over his body. Yami then looked distastefully at Malik, his mouth puckering as if he had just eaten something extremely sour.
"Oh great," Malik moaned, stuffing a for into his incredibly busy broccoli. The one piece took up the whole plate, and was twice as thick as a soup can around. Yugi sweat dropped at the size of it.
'No wonder he's so skinny,' he thought, and then he dug into his lasagna.
"So, Pharaoh," Malik said, motioning whimsically with his fork, attached to which was a little green alien codenamed broccoli, "what have you been doing lately?"
"That is none of your unworthy business, heathen." Yami snorted. Yugi blinked, blinked and stared at his soul partner with wide eyes.
"Heathen's a compliment, Yami," the worried boy pointed out. Yami paled.
"Oh, I meant cretin," Yami corrected. "Sorry about that."
Yugi wrinkled his nose. "There's a rabbit's foot in my pizza."
"We're eating pasta, Yugi," Yami pointed out.
Yugi blushed earnestly. "Oh, right. Errr… I knew that. Yeah. I was just… testing you! Yeah, that's it!"
"Yeah right. Everybody knows you fail all your tests."
"Wow Yami you're really nasty today." Yami responding by wrinkling his nose – making him look really wrinkly, like some kind of old tarot card reader you meet at a carnival and get shammed by – and grunting. Those hard, purple eyes were trained on him warningly.
Yugi's mother sat down daintily at the end of the table. On her sides were an empty space and Solomon. Solomon was sitting next to the windows across from the empty chair. Next to that chair sat our little Hobbit friend Frodo, who was sitting next to (only Solomon knew) his boyfriend, who was adjacent to Yami, as luck would have it. Everyone ate quietly for awhile, until Yugi's mother piped up.
…We have received a correction message mentioning something about Yugi being Frodo or something like that. Whatever.
"So, where do you go to school?" she asked, stuffing more lasagna into her mouth.
"Uhm, I go to that private school downtown," Malik explained.
"What's it called?" Mrs. Motou inquired politely.
"Uhhhmmm…" 'Crap. I don't know.' "Well actually it doesn't matter because everybody there has to be relocated."
"What happened?"
"Uhm, an RPG A/N: Rocket propelled grenade hit the science department."
"Oh, how terrifying!"
"Er, yeah." 'Ra, that Science teacher was annoying!' "Yeah, it was terrifying. I was there…" 'They put me in the mental hospital for three days afterward. I was in a padded cell, and they still made me wear a straightjacket! Sheesh. But at least Mr. Boulevard died, heheh.'
Yugi shot Malik a disapproving look. The grin on his boyfriend's face was a sure sign that he was thinking of something positively awful… and wasn't letting him in on it! Darn him!
'Awwwww, man!' Yugi shoveled more lasagna into his mouth. 'I never get let it on anything fun. Dang it.' Yugi sent a furtive glance towards his grandfather, who was eating macaroni. The senile geezer also had dried macaroni noodles set next to him in a clear, plastic cup. He was using a paper plate to place the dried macaroni noodles on, and he had a set of four crayons next to him – red, blue, green and orange. Don't you just hate it when it's orange? I do. It's like the whole world is suddenly prejudice against yellow or something. What's up with that? I mean, the sun is yellow, for Pete's sake!
Pete pressed his face against the window, staring at the delicious food. "Mmmm… brownies," he said.
"They're eating pasta, Pete," Pete's imaginary friend, Lardo, told him. Pete's face mushed together as he conjured up fat, wet tears.
Yugi blinked as his grandpa's orange crayon evolved into a sunny yellow one, and then watched interestedly as his grandpa drew a smiley face with the red crayon. Solomon Motou grinned and giggled to himself. Yugi sweat dropped.
'This, ladies and gentleman, is the only companion whom I have to gossipmonger with,' Yugi announced to the audience inside his head.
'W00T!' went the audience. 'WE WANT PORN!'
Biiiiiiiiig sweat drop. Yugi turned, suddenly tres fatigue, to Malik. "Hey Malik, your cell phones vibrating."
"Huh?" Malik looked at his hip, where his cell phone was. "No, that's my pager. It's probably some – " Miss Motou wiped her mouth daintily with a napkin and looked away " – asshole trying to cell me something, or maybe just a plain asshole named Bakura." Malik straightened up as took a big bite out a long celery stalk and crunched down on it noisily. Yugi cringed.
"How can you eat that stuff?" he asked.
"I'm a vegetarian," Malik explained.
"Oh."
Yami set down his fork and looked at Yugi. "Yugi, how did you know that Malik's pager was vibrating? Does it make a noise?"
Yugi sweat dropped.
"No it doesn't," Malik informed him, "it's noiseless."
Yugi sweat dropped again. "Well, you see, Yami," he tried to explain, "we, uh, well, the chairs are pretty close… I could feel it."
Yami's purple eyes narrowed into slits. "Oh really?" he hissed.
"Yesp, really," Solomon lisped, having burnt his tongue on his piping hot macaroni.
Yugi looked at Yami and gulped. "Yes, really."
"There's plenty of room over here, Yugi." Yugi's Mom patted the space next to her. Yugi gulped and, with a small, regretting inward sigh, scooted his chair over so that he was halfway between his mom and Malik. Around this time Yami decided to show his hawk impersonation to Malik. He stared.
"… oOU" Malik sweat dropped.
And he stared.
"… oOU" And Malik sweat dropped.
And he stared— oh, wait, no, never mind. Yami turned back to his chicken parmesan, not entirely satisfied with his staring job. Maybe he'd have to true again.
'Whew!' Malik sighed. 'Glad that's over with. Yami's eyes are so… creepy when he stares. Kind of like Yugi's.' Malik turned to Yugi and did a double take. 'Well, they ARE Yugi's eyes, except darker and gloomier. But Yugi could still do a pretty good death glare if he wanted to.' "Bah! Why am I thinking this?" Malik dug into his celery again, only to see exactly… seven ¾ pairs of eyes staring at him. "What?"
"You said 'bah'," Yami informed him.
Yugi suggested sweetly, "were you impersonating a lamb?" Mrs. Motou stifled a giggle, and Malik could feel his face grow hot.
"Um, no… Yes, I uh—"
"He's my sheep!" Solomon declared, leaping onto the table. The plates rattled.
"Huh?" Exactly 3 15/75 people gaped at the foolish old man.
"Yes! Ever since I've been a babe – and BOY, was I EVER a BABE – it's been my DREAM to herd sheep! So, Malik's my sheep!" Solomon hopped down into his seat and beckoned towards Malik. "So, come here Malik. Koi, ureshi no kohitsuji."
Author's Note: Come here, happy lamb. O.O;;
…..
"Uhm, no." Malik leaned as far back in his seat as he could.
"Awww." Solomon's cheery, bright smile turned into a deep frown. "Don't you like me?"
Malik's mouth was on auto-pilot.
"Uhm, no." Solomon looked about ready to cry.
"There, there, dear," Mrs. Motou said comfortingly, "I think it's time for your long nap. So be a dear and go have fun with Mr. Blankie and pillow, okay?"
"Uhm, no."
"He wasn't talking to you," Yami snapped tersely.
"My 'mom's' a 'she'," Yugi corrected him.
"Oh." Yami, again, went back to his delightful food.
"Ok!" Grandpa "Solomon" Motou jumped up and skipped out of the room, singing, "la dee da dee doo!" to the tune of Scooby Doo saying, "Rooby rooby roo!" (That, my friend, is the language of PIRATES. Arrrr. -X.X-)
Mrs. Motou stood up and dusted off her dress before following the old man to make sure he didn't eject himself with low concentration Ebola or something highly improbable of that sort. There was also the possibility that he could get hit by a flying toilet, or choke on his own tongue. Both had happened multiple times in the past.
"Um wow." Malik squeaked without a pause in-between his words. "Yugi I didn't realize you're grandpa was so unstable."
"Oh, yeah." Yugi waved his hand in off-handed gesticulation. So then how could he do that? Hmm… Feel free to ponder this, one of the many mysteries I'll never take the time to explain.
"He's been like that all his life. Hit his head when he was 4 and never went back."
"Like My Louisiana Sky!" Malik said excitedly, happy to see that Yugi had read his favorite book. Alright, so, truth be told, that was the only book that Malik had ever read besides the mass amounts of ancient scriptures. Yugi nodded.
"Yes, that's it. I—"
"I believe your phone's ringing," Yami asseverated gruffly, jabbing his thumb in the direction towards a small shelf behind Malik's head where he had put the item.
"Huh? Oh." Malik scrunched his face up, until he finally recognized the tune of Für Elise. "Yeah, thanks." He reached for it, but it was too late, and a message had already been recorded. "Oh, well, it's too late."
"Listen to it," Yugi ordered him. "You always have such interesting messages, Malik-kun."
Malik gulped and sincerely hoped two things: 1, that it wouldn't be Ishizu, and 2, that Yami didn't happen to catch that –kun."
Yami sat adjacent to the Egyptian teen, knowing only two things: 1, that he hoped it might be Ishizu, 'cuz she had a sexy voice, and 2, that Yugi had called the Egyptian Malik-kun.
"Are you sure?" Yugi nodded feverishly. "Alright then…" Malik set his cell phone in the middle of the table so that both he and Yugi – and Yami, he supposed, though the stuck-up Pharaoh probably didn't give a damn – could hear. He took a deep breath and held it. Then pressed a button.
"You have 7 new messages."
"o0"
"Hello hikari! I'm calling because I… kind of broke the Eiffel Tower… they wanted money, but I gave them a fake address. Should I feel bad? ;; I don't know. Um… bye!" BEEP.
Yami stared at Malik's cell as if it had just grown the three head's of the three stooges. Malik tensed; unfortunately, his phone was broken and so no longer asked if you wanted to continue. He could only hope…
"Malik. Am at Starlet's. Will be back later. Love, Odion. P.S. No, that is not 'love' as in the 'love' that involves spooning and such. I already change your diapers. What more do you want, you big, overgrown, platinum blonde pansy? Shees!" BEEP.
Malik murmured, "he should have just written a memo." Yugi nodded fervently.
"Who's Starlet?" the hot, adorable, though diminutive boy sitting next to Malik wondered aloud.
"His girlfriend."
"OoU Oh."
"OoU" went Yami too, and he, increasingly interested, said, "play the next one Malik."
"I'm not your slave Pharaoh!" Malik shouted.
"Fine, be that way!" Yami stuck out his tongue at the stuck-up stick-up.
"I will!" Malik sighed. "Ohhhh boy. I walked right into that one, didn't I?"
"Idiocy makes you cuter," Yugi whispered so that only the two of them could hear.
"Dear Mr. Ishtar, you have just won the Win-A-Billion-Dollars-Jackass sweepstakes! Just sign the papers at our office in the next 5.120005 minutes, and the money is yours!" BEEP.
"Malik…" Ishizu's sexy, enamoring voice rang out over the phone. Malik gulped.
"Hi, Malik, it's me, Ishizu. Yes, it's me. Yes, I'm not hyper. That's because I'm on Mydol. "
"Don't you take that during your period?" Yami asked. Yugi sweat dropped.
"Not always, I guess."
Malik sweat dropped. "Ohdeargodohdeargodohdeargodpleasedon't." Yugi glanced at him solicitously.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah Yugi. Ohdeargodohdeargodohdeargodpleasedon't…" Yugi sweat dropped.
"O-kay."
"Anyway me and Shadi were – ohhh. OHHHH. Oh yeah Shadi baby, right there…"
Malik slammed his hand down onto the cell phone's speakers just as Yami stood up in a huff slamming his hands down on the table, breaking it. "THAT'S ENOUGH!" he roared. "Get you're sickening self out of there, along with that cell phone. Demon item."
Yugi sweat dropped and motioned frantically, his mouth unmoving like in a video game, yet his voice came out anyway. "It's okay Malik you can stay here."
"Sure I can but—"
"No he can't," Yami objected, and he glared at Yugi coolly with these gorgeous, purple eyes. Yugi mustered up all his hatred and gave Yami a glare. It kind of made him look like he was constipated. --;;
Malik reached with his prehensile hand and swiftly grasped his cell phone. Snapping down the antennae, he left the room.
"I hate you," Yugi crabbed at Yami with a whiny, yet serious, yet childish voice. (So many yets!) He then stood up and left the room himself.
Yami blinked, and then stared at Yugi's empty seat. Then he glared at it, just for good measure. "Glare," he voiced. "Glare, glare, glare."
And so we leave our erotic friend to see what the two handsome people in the hall are up to.
Yugi sweat dropped as he saw Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp step out of his hallway, then walked down it to see Malik looking at a unicorn model that belonged to his mother.
"oO Don't break it."
"-- I won't." Malik threw the breakable object from hand to hand. Yugi's eyes followed the unicorn which his mother coveted, sending a quick prayer to Buddha that it wouldn't break.
"So, why did you follow me?"
"Huh?" Yugi looked up. "Sorry Malik what did you say?"
"--U I asked you why you were following me."
Yugi beamed. "Because I like you!" GLOMP. "And I like your sister, too. She's funny." Yugi nuzzled Malik's arm with his cheek. "She's really hott…"
"TT Do you really mean that?" Malik looked down at Yugi, as most people tended to do. A/N: XD Bad joke, I know.
"Yep!" Yugi looked up at Malik and smiled this dazzling, slightly lopsided smiled of his that made Malik melt inside like burning chocolate.
"Even with… two 't's?" Malik asked slowly.
Yugi responded lowly, "well yeah, I mean your sister is a stripper so I've gotta place emphasis."
Malik sweat dropped. "Point taken. I think. oOU"
"Anyway," Yugi tightened his grip on Malik's arm with his left hand, and with his right hand he touched Malik's cheek softly, "Yami's an asshole…"
Meanwhile, Yami, peering from the living room where he had been conveniently relocated by plot holes, heard that. "--;; Owch. I deserved that."
Meanwhile, in this delicate little world which consisted of Yugi and his hallway, this cute little fluffy scene was playing, and Yami's not a part of it so HA. :P
"…Would it be inordinately indelicate of me if I want…" Yugi stood on his tip-toes, "to… kiss you?"
"I." Yup, that's the sentence. Malik sagely decided to end his sentence at the most advantageous time, and when Yugi's lips softly pressed against his own, well, I think that would be a pretty serviceable time don't you? ..
Yami's face, during this incredible fluffy and magical moment, was DANG priceless. Because, he had a oOU face, and the letters 'OMG' were written in pink bubble letters. They actually floated in the air next to him in all of their gloriness:D ;; Pretty cool, actually.
Then Solomon Motou walked in. At just that time, Yami came in and starting yelling at them.
"GRANDPA!" Yami screeched obnoxiously in his "I'm telling!" voice. "These two were just—" Yugi gave Yami, in what is to be known as the coolest thing Yugi ever did, an uppercut to the jaw at THAT exact moment. Malik and Grandpa stared.
"….good punch, Yugi," Grandpa commented quietly.
"Yeah I learned a lot from hanging out with Tristan and Joey," Yugi informed him, looking again like the innocent, confused chibi we love. He turned. "Hey Malik do you want to play video—" But Malik was gone. "Awwwww."
The rain tumbled downwards onto the lone Egyptian figure making his way home. Malik struggled against the oddly strong winds, wearing all black. His black trench coat being whipped with the wind, thinking about the kiss. Because, after all, it's magical, and I'm trying to make a point. --;;;
BUT WHERE DID HE GET THE CLOTHES? You may ask. Fear not! Because you WILL find out in the next chappie! I guarentee it!