Chapter 3: On Backtrack

Christian sat in his dark office, with the blinds drawn, feeling stumped and abandoned. He didn't even put on the table lamp when the small amount of daylight that got through disappeared due to the hours of the night. It wasn't a new feeling, the way he felt just now. Usually, when he had reached this point, he realised there was nobody to count on and he had stand up all by himself. This time though, as dejection swooped down over him again, it was dampening his energy. What has he done wrong? He had done everything right with Kimber, at least since he had realised he couldn't live without her. He couldn't lose her. Perhaps he was pushing her too hard. Expecting too much too soon after her ordeal. He himself needed time after his attack, and Kimber will need more. Maybe the only way to have her back was to open up himself, tell her all the horrible things that happened to him in life.

Whatever it was, he wanted to work it out. But he couldn't reach her. In fact, he couldn't reach anybody in his entire life. And what should he do with Abby? What happened, it's water under the bridge now, he can't change it, but doesn't that make him an equal with Quentin? He couldn't deny they had a lot in common. An unhappy childhood, rejected by family, getting successful by own effort, obsessed with power and control, sexually frustrated. Maybe Kimber is right not to want to be with him. Maybe he reminds her of Quentin? He was terrified of the thought and disappointed with life. Will his never turn to be happy for any longer than just a few weeks? Most disturbing it was that he didn't know what to do now, how to approach Kimber. He couldn't stand living without love for much longer.

Maybe he should just give up. He closed his eyes and arrived into a state of thoughtless, cloudy reverie. Keeping himself together for the outside world was enough during the day, he didn't have to do it when he was alone. It was in this nothingness that his mind retreated to when nothing hurt. It was the same state of mind he used to do so well when he was a little boy, he was only out of practice these days. And funnily, that wasn't always a good thing. It was that state of nothingness he used to retreat to while when his foster father had asked him every Friday evening to his office room in the large house he spent fifteen years of his life. All the kids at school were so happy when the weekend came, for him it meant Mr. Troy and sometimes his friend having their way while his foster mother was out working. She was working most nights, it didn't have to be Friday for that reason, but it was Friday because it had to be. Christian was physically sick sometimes the next day and Mr. Troy couldn't chance the school putting their nose into where it didn't belong.

The old feeling of disgust settled in him instead of the calm he was hoping for and didn't even notice her coming in till she switched on the light. Thank God for her perfume. Some things never change.

Kimber came to his side of the desk, leaned on it and placed a hand on his, looking at him carefully.

He concentrated on the physical feeling of her touch, cherishing something almost forgotten, putting the even distant and unpleasant memories where they belonged.

However, Kimber had already caught sight of the anguish in his eyes, the paleness in his face as he attempted to return to normal. A gesture that reminded her...of her own behaviour when thinking of her abductee days. Maybe there was something there right enough that she didn't know of, and the concern over him overtook her, not leaving room for the sorrow she endured on a regular basis, "Christian...what are you doing in this darkness? You look so exhausted."

"Ah...I couldn't sleep last night."

"So you do it at the surgery? There are beds her you know if you are that desperate."

"Desperate, huh?" Christian sniggered with a sourness that would have caught anybody's ear, "yeah, I suck, my life sucks, my idealistic expectations proven wrong. Nothing too severe."

"I know I did hurt you Christian, I can't deny that. I came to tell you that I am sorry for that. But there is no other way for me right now."

"But I don't want you to be perfect Kimber. I want you the way you are."

"Even if so, I can't have children. There is too much damage."

"I don't care."

"Maybe not now. Look, I can't set myself up for another disappointment. And you haven't changed. The things I hear you have done recently..."

"That was out of desperation. Don't you see? You have to show me how it's done."

Kimber looked at him baffled. He didn't really fight with her, he had simply admitted defeat. He didn't even treat her bad for it. Was this a sign of how weak he was? "I can trust you if you are a puzzle to me," she said finally, "tell me if it's true."

"If it's what true?"

"About the sexual assault. When you were a kid. And what did the Carver do to you exactly?"

"Where did you get all that from?"

"Abby."

"Abby?"

"She thinks she knows."

He paused to think, looking away. He had told Sean. Kimber deserved the same treatment, if not more, "yes, it's true, both are true," he admitted, finally turning to her with sad eyes.

Looking into them, and her previous hostility vanished at once, "I'm sorry," she sighed, folding herself into his welcoming embrace. Whatever she went through, was forgotten for the time being, her motherly instinct kicking in. She comforted him the only way she knew when she could feel him trembling slightly against her, giving him the bodily comfort he needed.

She knew there was nothing she could say that would make it all go away. She knew because there was nothing anybody could say to make it all better for her.

"I love you," he whispered nevertheless.

Suddenly, in that soft embrace she felt safer than ever since her abduction and she realised she was the one looking for perfection, not Christian. She was looking for a perfect relationship that could never exist. She should not cease after it forever. What they could have, the best that could happen just had to do.

tbc