Chapter Twenty-Eight – He Still Loves You
Alennia stood with Vanora in the courtyard, chatting with her, as though nothing had happened. She looked up when she heard a man enter, knowing that it would not be long before Tristran returned, and praying that she would not have to face him, but it was only the knights' groom, a man called Jols.
Jols went across to where Lancelot and Dagonet sat drinking, and collapsed into a chair beside them. There had never been much of a formal relationship between the knights and their groom, and they generally treated him as one of them. Dagonet poured Jols and a drink and slid it along the bar to him. Jols took a long swig, and put it down, sighing slightly.
"Would you look at that now," he said in a strangled voice as he looked across the courtyard.
Both Dagonet and Lancelot looked across to see what it was Jols was so transfixed on, and saw Alennia, dressed in a pale blue dress, a cascade of hazel curls down one shoulder and a laugh in her eyes as she talked to Vanora.
"That, my friend," Lancelot said with certainty in his voice, "is untouchable."
"What?" Jols asked, in a mock-incredulous voice. "Is the great Lancelot truly admitting that there is a woman he cannot have?"
Lancelot just laughed good-naturedly.
She's Tristran's woman," Dagonet informed Jols.
"He wouldn't share, would he?" Jols asked in a wistful voice, his eyes still on Alennia.
Lancelot chuckled gently. "Tristran wouldn't share a loaf of bread with his starving mother."
"Don't even think about it Jols," Dagonet advised. "Tristran would rip your balls off if he even saw you looking at her like that."
"He's not here now," Jols said in a hopeful voice, looking around the square.
"Alennia's just as likely to rip your balls as Tristran," Lancelot commented. "Really, don't even think about it. There are much safer women to warm your bed."
At that moment Tristran entered. A momentary hush fell at the sight of the scowl on his face, but then the conversation started up again, and Tristran was once again forgotten as he walked slowly and deliberately across the courtyard.
"They don't seem particularly close," Jols commented, and Dagonet looked up to see Alennia glance up at Tristran and her face contort with pain, before she forced a carefree smile and returned to talking wity Vanora. The others forgot Alennia and Tristran, and went on with their conversation, but Dagonet saw the studied way with which they avoided each other's eyes.
Alennia's whole body stiffened when Tristran entered the courtyard. It took her whole concentration to keep her eyes from going straight to his face. She had thought she was strong. She had thought that she didn't need him, that she didn't need his love, but when he passed her without even doing so much as glancing her way, she knew her heart was breaking.
The tears, so closely guarded throughout the day, suddenly prickled fiercely at her eyes, and Alennia knew she couldn't pretend any longer. She was yet too proud to show her grief in front of anyone else, and so she stood abruptly, pushing past the surprised-looking Tristran and abandoning Vanora, as she escaped to the deserted corridors just as her tears began to flow.
Dagonet watched Alennia with concern evident on his face. After a second's hesitation he rose and followed her out into the hallway. Tristran noticed how closely Alennia's departure was followed by Dagonet, and a mounting anger began to grow inside him.
"Alennia!" Dagonet called out to her retreating form once they were both in the corridor and away from the prying eyes of all in the courtyard.
"Go away," Alennia said in a muffled voice, walking faster in an attempt to escape him.
"Alennia," Dagonet repeated impatiently as he strode to catch up with her and put a hand on her arm, forcing her to turn around.
"Leave me alone," Alennia said, but with less conviction, as she raised her red eyes and tear-stained face to Dagonet.
"What is it?" Dagonet asked roughly.
"Nothing," Alennia protested feebly.
"Is it Tristran?" Dagonet asked, his eyes narrowing. "I'll kill him," he added fiercely as he studied Alennia's face.
"No! Dagonet, please! Don't say anything to him," Alennia said in a scared voice. "Please!" she begged, the words that for so long had been bottled up in her heart suddenly coming out in a rush, "it was my fault. I was a fool to believe…to believe he cared for me."
Alennia was sobbing by now, as much from the grief of losing Tristran as from the shame of admitting it. Dagonet reached forwards silently, and drew her towards him. Alennia clung to him, sobbing into his chest as he held her, murmuring soft, soothing words.
Neither saw Tristran appear at the end of the passageway, and stop abruptly at the sight of Dagonet with his arms around Alennia. He retreated back a step into the shadows, too far away to hear any words the two spoke, but close enough to see them.
"Please don't say anything to him," Alennia implored Dagonet as the two pulled apart.
Dagonet was torn for a moment by his growing anger at Tristran for having treated Alennia so badly, but one look at Alennia's desperate and fearful face made up his mind.
"Alright," he assured her. "I won't."
The relief on Alennia's face spoke volumes.
"Now go to your room and get some sleep," Dagonet told her, wiping the tears from her face with a rough thumb.
Alennia giggled thickly through her tears, "Alright Daddy," she told him impishly.
Dagonet stepped back slightly, momentarily shocked, before permitting a smile to grow on his face. "Go!" he told her.
Alennia smiled and went onto tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek, before starting down the corridor.
"Alennia!" Dagonet called, and she turned, her tear-stained face expectant. "He still loves you," Dagonet told her.
If Dagonet had thought Alennia was hurting before, it was nothing to the pain in her eyes when he said those words.
"No," Alennia said, so softly it was almost discernable. "He doesn't."
Alennia wanted to block the words out, to forget she had ever heard them, but she could not, and as they replayed over and over again, the doubt grew in her heart until it was insufferable. He didn't love her, she told herself again and again: nobody who loved her would treat her so. And yet… But why would he do that to her if he loved her?
For all the pain she was in, believing that he had never loved her hurt a lot less than the growing doubt. Why? The question haunted her, long after she had returned to her room. Why would he do that to someone he loved? Why?
Dagonet watched Alennia retreat down the corridor until she turned a corner and disappeared from sight. He turned around and jumped slightly when he found Tristran standing behind him, a cold look on the scout's face.
"Tristran," Dagonet said warily.
"What's between you and Alennia?" Tristran asked bluntly, in a threatening voice.
"What's between you and Alennia?" Dagonet rejoined swiftly.
"Why should I tell you?" Tristran asked dangerously. "So you can run off and comfort her again?"
"Tristran, I…" Dagonet began, but was cut off almost immediately by Tristran's scathing voice.
"I don't care what your excuse is. Keep your hands off my woman."
"Oh, so she's your woman now is she?" Dagonet retorted, finally goaded into fighting back. "Well then, why don't you start treating her like your woman, instead of making her suffer so much? Do you even have the faintest idea of how much pain you are causing her?"
"Don't talk to me of suffering!" Tristran shouted, his eyes still dead and cold, despite his growing fury. "You have no idea of what I have suffered for that woman!"
"Oh, don't worry, I can imagine how hard it was for you to talk her into going to your bed," Dagonet said in a contemptuous voice.
"You don't understand!" Tristran roared at him, and for the first time that day, emotion played in his eyes: a wild, blazing fury, coupled with the pain of a wound that went so deep that he would carry the scars to the day he died. "How can you even begin to comprehend how much I love her? I love her far too much to hurt her."
"You're hurting her now," Dagonet stated flatly, his voice unbelieving.
Tristran sighed, and seemed to diminish as his shoulders sagged and he slumped against the wall.
"She deserves so much better, so much more than anything I can offer. And do you think she could ever return to her people if they found out about me? I know she has enemies among the Woads, I would be a perfect excuse for them to hurt her."
"So you're doing it for them," Dagonet's voice was still hard and cruel.
"No!" Tristran said in a frustrated voice. "Do you think that if I told her what I am telling you, she would let me leave her?"
Slowly, very slowly, Dagonet shook his head.
"The only way I can cause her the least amount of pain is by making her believe that I never cared for her. Then she can hate me, and in time she will forget about me, and never have a second thought when she finds a man among her people, who loves her."
Dagonet was silent.
"It's killing me, Dagonet. It's killing me to see her suffer on my account. If I could take back last night, I would, and gladly. Don't you see? I am doing everything in my power to prevent her suffering." Tristran raised pained eyes to Dagonet. "What more can I do?"
"She might stay here, with you, if you explained to her. She might choose to live her life by your side," Dagonet said slowly.
"I couldn't do that to her," Tristran said softly. "Do you think she could ever truly be happy living as Vanora does? Bringing up children, cooking, cleaning, tending my wounds? She could become so much more than that. I couldn't take that from her."
Dagonet studied Tristran for a moment. "It is your choice brother. I cannot help you," and he turned and walked away, slowly and deliberately, letting Tristran know exactly what he felt of his decisions.
Tristran stared for a long time at the place Dagonet had vacated, before he leant back against the wall, tilting his head back and closing his eyes, before sliding slowly down to the base of the wall. He sat there, his knees drawn up and his head in his hands, and it was dark before he moved again.
A/N – Don't forget: this is a TristranOC, don't think that Dagonet's going to come into the picture as anything more than a father-figure to Alennia. Thanks to all my reviewers – I hope this will make Tristran look like slightly less of a bastard! Happy Christmas all – I will update in a week or so (hopefully!)