MY CONFESSION

by Ioanne

Pairing: V/L

Spoilers: Seasons 1 & 2 to be on the safe side. This story may also contain some hints of things I have no idea if they are really going to happen in the show but may also contain some pre-heard spoilers of coming episodes.

A/N: Have you ever had the nagging feeling of a story in your head that you just know you can't get rid of unless you write it down? That is what happened here with this very newfound obsession/shippyness of mine…

Summary: Two letters with cutting honesty and naked truth after things have been solved in season 2. Starts with Logan's letter to Veronica and then her response. The point is to first try to explain and apologize, then let the other off the hook but finally not being able to resist letting what he/she really wants to say to pour out on the paper.

Veronica,

This is my apology. For everything.

I want you to know that you were right to leave me. In the end I would've dragged you down with me to the ugliness that was becoming more and more my life. If I had been even a bit more sensible and selfless I would've made you get out of it sooner. I'm sorry. I was selfish and I loved you and I didn't want to let you go. I felt like you were the only thing in my life that was still good and kept me from drowning and succumbing completely to the bad stuff.

I lived in this illusion that if I never told you about the bad stuff you would never find out about it and I could keep you securely in the safe side and you would always be there, and only there, locked up to the happy side of my life. It was like I was being two people and the other me, the one I desperately wanted to be the real me, was being the perfect boyfriend to this wonderful girl he absolutely adored and loved more than anything in the world. There was nothing ugly in that life, no violence, no fighting, no drinking, nothing. That was the happy world and I wanted so badly to keep it, to keep you.

But then there was the other me who was angry and bitter and wanted nothing more than bring pain and vengeance to those who dared to cross me. I so desperately wanted to make you happy and get you away from all the pain you and I had both been through that I thought that if I just ignored it and tried to pretend it wasn't there it would really go away and stay away from bothering the perfection that was us. But I was wrong, it didn't go away, it just found another way to come out.

And when you finally told me you couldn't deal anymore I honestly didn't first understand why because I thought everything was perfect with us. I couldn't understand how you had anything to do with all those ugly things you talked about. Your life, our life, wasn't supposed to have anything to do with that. And when you finally forced me to see the truth, the two worlds I had been living in collided together with a bang and the reality of it made me snap. The ugliness overwhelmed the happiness and the pain came crashing to the life I wanted to have no pain at all. And by then the pain and rage had become so big that it didn't leave much room for anything else.

I hadn't seen it coming. I know I should've because now that I look back all the signs were there and I should've realised that the crash would've come soon even if you hadn't broken up with me. But back then I just had to put the blame on somebody for destroying my perfect and happy life and who better than you. You were the one that made it happen. It took me this long to realise that I was lucky, you were lucky, that you got out before the collision happened on it's own because who knows what would've happened. Something ugly, I'm sure of it, and probably something that would've gotten you hurt. And I never ever wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry I wasn't man enough or strong enough to see it sooner and do something about it.

I never stopped loving you, or being in love with you. I just want you to know that. I know you're hurting because of Duncan and I'm sure I haven't made things any easier for you but I'll start trying. No strings attached, I just want to finally try and be a friend to you. You don't owe me anything but I owe you my life because no matter what happened in the end, you saved my life by being there for me through the summer when I needed you the most.

I'm sorry I couldn't be the kind of guy you wanted and deserved, someone who could make you feel safe and loved, someone you could trust completely. I wanted to be that guy, I still do, but I can't promise you there will never be trouble in my life anymore. I want so much it to be just easy sailing from now on but I know that this is just who I am and the way my life will always be. I need to start accepting myself as I am, maybe then I can finally feel some kind of happiness again.

I love you, so much. I tried but it didn't go away and after a while I stopped trying. I never wanted you to know but I've been given a chance to build my life again and I can't deny that I want you in it. I promised myself that if this nightmare called impending imprisonment ever ended I would start being honest to myself and start telling people close to me how much they mean to me. Of course I was pretty drunk and feeling sorry for myself at the time I made that promise but a promise is a promise and I intend to keep it. Or at least try my best.

So here is my confession to you: I'm laying my heart and my broken life in front of you and I tell you I love you Veronica, and I miss you, and I want you back to my life, in which ever way you think is possible.

L