Logan,

I don't know what to say. You've left me speechless. Well, almost anyway. I am so happy that your nightmare is finally over.

I hated myself for hurting you and distrusting you and leaving you when you could've needed me the most but I was too scared for you to stay. If I had stayed and something had happened to you it would've killed me. I loved you too much. I just didn't realise that me leaving wasn't going to change a thing. Something happening to you would've still killed me whether we were together or not. I was extremely naïve and stupid to think that if I wasn't with you anymore it wouldn't hurt that much. I couldn't have been more wrong. I still hate myself for it and I don't expect your forgiveness. The way I see it, I failed you when you needed me, no matter what was going on in your life besides us. I'm not saying everything was my fault, or yours, because we both screwed things up pretty good. It's just easier to see afterwards how differently we both could've handled things.

I'm not saying I regret being with Duncan either because both me and Duncan needed to sort out our feelings for each other. It was unfinished business that was always hanging between you and me too, you have to know that. You and I never even had a fighting change as long as this thing between me and Duncan stayed unsolved. I did still love him and it was good being with him, so very different than what very often was the rollercoaster that was you and me. What I didn't see, or didn't want to see for a long time, was that the rollercoaster was very much more interesting and exciting. I fought against it because I didn't want to admit to myself that the normality I was so desperately looking for wasn't there where I thought it would be nor was it something the real me really even wanted. At least not that kind of normality. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done to make myself admit that I was not this person anymore, nor did I want to be. I think the same went on with Duncan, he just was willing to give up the fight much sooner than I was. I am sad because I miss who I once used to be and I miss Duncan even if he wasn't the one for me anymore. I'm just not as sad as I thought I would be in this situation.

This all has made me realise one thing; I don't really know who I am right now. I don't know where I fit in. I don't know if it's because Duncan is gone or because you are not in my life anymore or because I'm having trouble placing myself anywhere without some ties to Lilly but I do know that I miss you more than I miss Duncan. I know you make me feel more like me than anyone else does. Maybe that's why I have been so nasty to you, because you always made me see the me I really was and I thought I didn't want to be that me anymore. I was stupid to think I had a choice, or that I even wanted one. No matter how much I tried to deny it you made me feel alive, more than anyone ever has.

I still think it was best for both of us that we broke up then. We both had some unfinished business to take care of. I know it worked for me because after this thing with Duncan was finally finished I realised that all I really wanted or needed in my life was you. Let's just face it, in the end we both have pretty screwed up lives but together we make perfect sense. I don't want or need you to be perfect or flawless or even trouble-less, that's all part of you and I want all of you. I can't promise you I won't worry or that there will be no more fighting because that's the way I am and always will be. I want you to be just you and I want to be able to be just me and I would be very happy to see if there can be us again, for real this time. Even with those other people in the world.

Like I said, I did love Duncan, but I never stopped loving you or being in love with you no matter how deep in denial I tried to be. If you, in spite of you letter, got spooked or decide that you're not ready after all, it's okay, I won't hold it against you. I can't really blame you for not trusting me that easily anymore. So no strings attached either, I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you need me. With anything, anytime.

So no more lying, only the honest and naked truth and here's my confession to you: I love you Logan, and I miss you, and I want you back to my life to make me whole again.

V