Alright! Ready for chapter five?

Silky maroon sheets wrapped around Sirius and held him still while consciousness slowly gained on him. After a few moments of lying quietly, he gathered the will to open his eyes.

It was early yet; the sun hadn't reached its fingers into the room, and the chilly breath of coming winter left a nip in the dark air. The room was bathed in blue shadow, and Sirius distinctly felt as though he was under water. The cracked leaves danced across the ground, slightly elevated, like ghosts with leaps still to make. The brittle creaking of tired branches lingered just out of reach.

Sirius slung his legs over the side of the bed, regretfully leaving his safe den of blankets to join James on the windowsill, who had been watching the world carefully waking before him. Shivering slightly, Sirius rubbed his bare arms and glanced at James. His face was entirely illegible to Sirius, something that rarely happened and caused a feeling of unease to snuggle tightly into the bottom curve of his stomach.

James' face was as blank and open as a diary, yet it held an endless amount of nothing. However, his eyes betrayed his raging emotions; anger, sadness, fear, despair, guilt, hatred, confusion, hurt. He looked over and caught Sirius' gaze, and the two stared deeply into the other's soul until James felt that Sirius couldn't handle all of his raw emotion, and turned to watch the sky.

The mountains in the distance were lavender with tips of white, obscured by low clouds that seemed to be hanging on to the heavens desperately. Through the blue mists, a tint of pink gleamed feebly between the hills. Sirius felt like James was that sun, hiding behind something and peeking out cautiously, in fear of the world.

They sat quite still, having gotten used to the cool morning, silently watching the world flip its pages and listening to the early sounds of emerging life. Sirius waited patiently; as James was the sun, he was going to have to come out eventually, and coaxing wouldn't help much.

He sighed and glanced over at Sirius, who had been watching a mother bird doing a last cleaning of her nest. The boy next to him embodied all that James saw as life, love, perfection, and there he was sitting bare-chested in winter's window, waiting for James to confide in him like he had always done. He felt suddenly overshadowed by his friend's huge capacity of compassion and kindness. He sighed again.

"I miss them so much …" he whispered, so lightly that Sirius might have thought it was a breeze wrapping around him and telling him the secret of someone far away.

"It's not fair," he continued. He was trying to be calm and steady. "Not that life is fair, but still … why did it have to be them? All of them … one wasn't good enough, no … why not just wipe the name Potter right off the map. I –" he choked on his words a little, but swallowed and tried again. "I hate it. I hate him. I hate everything about him … his greed. Yea, that's what it is … greed."

Sirius nodded. James needed this, and that's what he was here for. What he'd always be here for.

"I. hate. him." James muttered through clenched teeth. "He had to take all of them! Why didn't anyone tip them off? How come he can get away with so much; so much murder, so much torture, so much evil! Why doesn't anyone try to be a step ahead of him, instead of just cleaning up his mess? Why doesn't someone do something?"

James bit back a sob, and Sirius took his hand and gave it a tight squeeze. James nodded and swallowed. The waves of thought crashed on the front of his mind relentlessly.

"I just … I wish there was something I could do … but it's too late. I – I should have been there for them … I had only just left … I would have fought him! I would have done everything I could to save them! But instead I was here, stuffing my face full of food … I could have been there … I could have done something … I should have …"

Sirius gave James' hand another squeeze. "There's nothing you could have done, Prongs, James … nothing. I mean … he's too powerful …"

James hung his head. "But I could have tried … I could have tried to do something, and I would have died for the right reason …"

Sirius couldn't reply. He didn't want to. Sometimes James was too noble for words.

"I – It's just … none of it feels real … I mean, I keep thinking about going home for the holidays, and then I remember that I don't have a home to go to, and if there was anything left of it, no one would be there … but I can't make myself believe it…. I sit around thinking about all the memories and I just get lost … and it's so hard to think that I'll never have any new ones … I won't get to see my little cousin's grow up, I won't get to hear my grandpa's war stories, I won't get to have my aunt's amazing cooking anymore …"

He laughed bitterly.

"You know, there's a war going on and people are dying … my whole family is dead … and all I can think about is my aunt's cooking? You see what I mean? It just seems like … like it all happened in a series of bad dreams … that I might be able to go home and hug my parents and tell them I love them and I'm grateful for everything they did for me … but I can't. And I hate it …"

Sirius stroked James' hair.

"I feel so stupid … I keep thinking about Lily … I mean, I can't figure her out … I don't understand girls at all, but she's the epitome of confusion … and then I think about everything happening outside Hogwarts and I feel so dumb for thinking about Evans and how I might still …"

Sirius looked at James gravely. "She's still on your mind … ?"

James shrugged and bit his lip. "Well, I mean … I know I said I didn't want anything to do with her … and I mean, maybe that is for the best, Remus even said so … but even so, I can't get her off my mind … I mean, I just can't give her up, especially after what she said … and … well I really would like to be with her but …" his voice cracked, and he paused for a long time, looking out at the naked branches shaking in the slight breeze. "…. I couldn't forgive myself if I lost her … I just know he'd come after us eventually … and … I – I want to protect her, I do … but if I failed … I – I couldn't handle it … I just couldn't … I –"

"I know," Sirius says. James is startled but relieved to hear his friend speak.

"Sirius … I don't know how to thank you … I – you've been the best friend a person could have …"

Sirius held up his hand with a smile, and James quieted. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything. You'd have done the same for me … and you have before …" James smiled. "So … class sounds like a rather ridiculous idea … and you've got a Quidditch match coming up so … how about a ride?"

James lit up and opened his mouth to thank Sirius again, but Sirius stood up and laughed, and James didn't need to say anything else.

Breakfast was the usual, except that, Lily noticed, James was attending – and looking slightly healthier. That is to say, he seemed to be more rested, and a considerable amount of his grief had been chiseled off of his face. Behind a weak mask, some of his original beauty shined through, and Lily was glad for whatever had happened to make that possible. She wondered hopefully if she would see him in class.

"Lily!" Alice whispered. Katie giggled. "Stop staring!"

Lily shook her head and looked at the two of them. Katie looked from Lily to James and back to Lily and winked. Lily scowled.

"I was not staring."

"Were too."

"She's right, you know."

"Oh stop it," Lily muttered, stabbing her waffle with the fork she found in her hand.

"Hey Lily?" Katie leaned in curiously. "How come Sirius has been watching you so much lately?"

Alice glanced over at the mentioned Marauder, who averted his gaze when he found the two girls watching him curiously and the third one blushing slightly.

"So what's the deal?" Katie asked, when she finally gained the willpower to tear her eyes from the gorgeous Marauder.

"Er … well, he told me to stay away from James … so he's kind of been … watching me … to make sure I don't do anything, I guess."

"Well that's …"

"Stupid," Alice said. Clearly she was still fond of the James-Lily babies and Godmother idea.

"Well … I mean, he's going through some tough times so Sirius was just being protective. He thinks I'm going to hurt James …"

"Why would you do that?" Katie asked incredulously.

"I wouldn't … but Sirius seems to think it's dangerous."

"Well that's … sweet, I guess."

Alice snorted.

"Well … I think I'm going to go to the library for a while," Lily said, leaving her plate almost entirely untouched.

Katie choked on her sausage. "You're studying before school has even started today?"

Alice patted Katie on the back and smiled. "That's our Lily. Responsible yet a little crazy Head Girl."

Katie shook her head in disbelief as Lily gathered her bag and disappeared through the doors. They didn't notice Sirius following her.

Lily spread her books out on the table and after a quick decision, picked up Advanced Charms. She would get through that quickly, and then move on to the harder stuff. She had just touched her quill to the measured parchment when the chair next to her was pulled out, and Sirius Black plopped himself into it.

Lily wrote down her first sentence, then stopped and gave him a questioning look. Sirius seemed to be analyzing her.

"Well? Speak."

"It's about James."

"Of course it is. What else would it be?"

"Anything, I suppose. I haven't been called the King of Randomness for nothing, you know."

"What are you here for?" she asked calmly. She was just barely irritated that he had interrupted the flow of her train of thought.

"I already told you." He received a scorching 'ahem' look from Lily. "Alright, alright. I want to talk to you about James …"

"Yes …?"

"Well, I did him a favor last night but … I really think he needs something a little more …"

"…?"

"Permanent."

"What do you mean Black?"

"I mean … I mean that he and I are like brothers, you see? So I love the guy, to a certain extent … but that's not really what he needs. I mean, yea it is, it really is … but he needs something more."

"What are you saying?"

"Well … I mean, the rest of his entire family was murdered a few days ago –"

Lily clapped her hand to her mouth.

"Yea … so I mean, I'm the only family he's got. So yea, he needs me … but he needs someone else who can be strong for him. He needs someone to love him like … well, a lover …"

"And you're choosing me?"

"Well … yea, actually."

"Would you mind telling me why?"

"Come on, Evans. … Lily … I mean, he's been in love with you for years. He's been chasing you around the castle for even longer … it's not like he's going to forget about you just because he told you he wanted to …"

Lily's heart beat painfully against her ribs. She wasn't sure of what she was hearing. Hence: "Er … could you repeat that?"

Sirius gave her a look that plainly said 'you-heard-me, don't-be-so-shocked.' "Listen … I know it's kind of … against what I said before but … I really think he needs you."

"But … why me?"

"Because, Lily, you're something special to him. You're not easy like all the other girls. You're not shallow or stupid, no offense to them, and you won't give in easily to his rash actions when he doesn't mean them. You're stronger than a lot of people, and he needs someone to be strong for him other than me."

Lily would have asked Sirius if someone had taken over his body if she hadn't recently discovered just how understanding and deep he could be.

"Lily … you're the only girl who doesn't care about his looks or his fame … but you care about him as a person and … right now, he really needs that."

"Okay," she said determinedly. "I will try."

"Good." Sirius stood up and pushed his chair in. He started to walk away, then turned around once more. "And Lily?"

"Yes Sirius?"

"Thanks."

On the first day of December, it snowed 18 inches. Lily watched a large group of boys from different houses having a rather complicated snowball war. She smiled sweetly, but it turned into a frown as she spotted James under a tree down by the lake. He hadn't joined in the fun.

He looked inescapably alone.

Lily sighed. She was trying to take Sirius' advice, but she had no idea how to start.

'I mean, I can't just march up to him and be like "I heard about your family. I'm sorry. Want to snog me?"'

Lily shook her head in horror at the idea. She watched the snowball fight progress and then start to die as people came back into the castle, no doubt to warm up. Lily shivered just thinking about it. She was one of those people that gets cold very easily. She looked over at James again. He was still under that stupid tree.

There were only a few snowballs flying half-heartedly across the edges of her vision.

She heard a tapping on the window, and noticed her beautiful silver owl Artemis fluttering there with a letter tied to her leg. Lily quickly put her books down and pulled her out of the chilly wind.

Lily opened the letter quietly, and stared with shock as she read the same letter that James had received a week or so ago. When she finished, the parchment fell to the floor near the fire, the edge catching fire, and was soon no more than a small heap of black ashes. Lily wondered if that's how simply and quickly her family had been murdered. She stared into the fire with angry tears streaming down her face.

She had no memory of ever feeling this empty; as though someone had built a drain in her heart just so that they could pull the plug and watch everything flow out. She immediately thought of James, and all of the other people who had lost family members to Voldemort.

She wondered vaguely, through her blinding tears, how many other people had received identical letters, how many distant and in no way comforting words of sorrow that their friends gave them, how many times they had to hear a totally meaningless "I'm sorry for your loss," when they knew that the person saying those words was greedily grateful that they still had all of their family members alive and safe.

Lily hated that her parents were dead.

She hated Petunia for being alive.

She hated Vernon for taking her on that stupid ski trip.

She hated those unaffected by the war.

She hated those causing the war the most.