Disclaimer: I do not own Alias
Upside Down and Inside Out
It had been almost two years since he had lost the love of his life. Was this the right thing to do? This love was different, but it was still strong. He had to move on. He didn't want to, but he had to. He needed to start living again.
Sydney would have wanted him to move on, he told himself. He would have wanted her to move on. Sure, the idea of Sydney in somebody else's arms pained him beyond belief, but all he would have wanted was for her to be happy.
If it were she in his position.
Lauren made him happy. He was sure of that and so Vaughn had made his decision. He was doing the right thing.
The house was empty and Vaughn was bored. All his marking had been completed and Lauren was interstate on a diplomatic assignment. They would be lucky to hear each other's voices for five minutes during the next few days.
Randomly flicking through the channels on the TV, he lucked out when he found a repeat of a hockey game. Sitting back into the couch he was content. This would keep him occupied for a while.
When the phone rang a few minutes later Vaughn contemplated not answering it. But the thought that it may be Lauren, that maybe she had a few spare minutes, compelled him to pick it up.
And so he answered it.
It had never really occurred to him how a phone call could change his life. He had always heard stories of such things, but had never believed that it could happen to him.
But it did.
"Hello." Vaughn's voice was distracted, his eyes trained to the television set.
"Vaughn?"
"Yeah."
"This is Kendall."
Vaughn sat forward slightly. Why was Kendall calling him? They hadn't spoken since Vaughn had left the Agency. So then why…
Weiss. It suddenly occurred to Vaughn. Damn him. He'd told him in confidence that he was considering returning. It was only recently that Vaughn had started to think that he would be able to walk into the Operations centre without feeling that overwhelming sensation of grief. Only now did he think that he would be able to operate as an average human being in the place that held so many memories of her.
Nobody, not even Weiss and especially not Lauren, knew how much thinking about Sydney hurt. He had moved on, married, but that didn't mean he didn't care. That did not mean that the dull ache inside had disappeared completely.
And so, as soon as Vaughn mentioned the mere possibility of returning to the Agency, Weiss went straight to Kendall. With thoughts of torture running through his mind, Vaughn spoke.
"What is it?"
"I need you to come down to the Operations centre."
"Look, nothing is set in concrete yet. I am still only considering—"
"Mr Vaughn." Kendall cut him off. "What are you talking about?"
"Um, I thought you were calling because…" Vaughn trailed off, realizing that he had jumped to the wrong conclusion. "Never mind. Why do you want me there?"
"I'd prefer to tell you when you arrive."
"No. Tell me now." Vaughn needed to know what exactly he was getting himself into.
"We want to send you to Hong Kong to escort an agent back home."
"Why me? I'm not part of the Agency anymore." He was utterly confused and the ominous tone of Kendall's voice was not lost on Vaughn.
"Vaughn, the agent we want you to retrieve." Kendall paused. "It's Sydney Bristow."
Vaughn's heart plummeted as the world around him started to blur. "What?"
"It's Sydney. Vaughn, she's alive."
The look in her eyes would never leave him. The eyes that mirrored a little girl, lost and in desperate need for something or someone familiar.
But the person who was once the most familiar to her was now a stranger.
"And you got married?"
"Yes, I did." Vaughn wanted so much to wrap her in his arms and tell her that everything was going to be ok. But he couldn't. Everything was not going to be ok. Everything was upside down and inside out. How could it be possible that something like this could happen?
Sydney was alive and in front of him. Breathing. Crying.
And there was nothing he could do or say to make the situation easier.
"Hello honey." Lauren placed a soft kiss on Vaughn's cheek and then sat down. "Sorry I'm late."
"That's ok." Vaughn smiled, his stomach churning. How was he going to break the news to his wife? That his dead girlfriend was, in fact, alive. His girlfriend, who he had love more than anybody else. Anybody.
"So." Lauren picked up a menu. "What did you get up to while I was gone?"
"A few things."
"Well, I was flat out. You would not believe the—"
"Lauren." Vaughn placed a hand over hers. "We need to talk."
Lauren's blue eyes widened slightly. "That doesn't sound promising. What's wrong?"
"Something happened while you were away."
"What?" Lauren's eyes narrowed and Vaughn knew that she was thinking that he had been unfaithful. For a second he felt a flash of hot anger at her lack of trust, but quickly dismissed it. The way he was talking, well, he'd be expecting the worst too.
"I got a call from the CIA."
"The CIA?" Relief and curiosity crossed her face. "Why?"
"Lauren, Sydney is alive."
Her reaction was minute. A blink of her eyes and Vaughn could see her throat constrict as she swallowed hard. "Sydney? Sydney Bristow. Your Sydney?"
Vaughn nodded. "She showed up in Hong Kong, with no memory of where she has been."
"Have you seen her?"
"I went to Hong Kong, Lauren." Vaughn explained gently. "I brought her home."
"Oh." Lauren lapsed into silence, until she suddenly looked up at Vaughn, her eyes and voice accusing. "So what are telling me really? That you're going to go back to her?"
"No." Vaughn replied. While Lauren's reaction was understandable, Vaughn was still a little surprised by it. "This changes nothing between us."
And as he stroked her hand comfortingly, Vaughn tried desperately to believe what those words.
Vaughn looked into those familiar eyes. "I came by to see how you were."
"Are you kidding me?" Sydney looked back at him with scorn.
"No, I just wanted to make sure you're—"
"You didn't come here to see how I am. You came here to see how you are, because you know in your heart what you did. You want to make sure you're ok."
"I buried you." Vaughn spoke softly. Sydney couldn't really mean what she was saying. She had died and he had lived with that for two years. "Just consider that for one second-"
"Don't use rational thought as a defence with me, not after all you and I have seen." Sydney cut him off and Vaughn made the decision to say nothing. Sydney needed to do this, he realized. "Vaughn, you and I live and breathe madness every day on the job. There is no rational thought. I can't even pretend to have a conversation about anything else with you. What it comes down to is faith. What I was hoping you would say is, 'Sydney, I gave up on us. I lost faith.' But what you came here for was closure, and there is not a chance you are getting that from me."
Vaughn felt sick as he looked at Sydney and saw the loathing written all over her face. It wasn't closure he was after, but some reason he couldn't tell her that.
"I'm not going to say I understand. I'm not going to sympathise with you and tell you how hard it must be for you. But do you want to know how I am? I am horrible. Vaughn, I am ripped apart. And not because I lost you, but because if it had been me, I would have waited. I would have found the truth. I wouldn't have given up on you. And now I realize what an absolute waste that would have been."
Vaughn could only stand there as Sydney walked off. He had wanted so desperately to tell her that he hadn't given up on them.
But he realized that there was no way would listen to him at this moment. What he was experiencing must be nothing compared to what she must be feeling.
But even when Sydney was willing to listen, there was nothing he could say or do that would improve the mess that their lives were now in.
It had been almost two years since he had lost the love of his life. Was this the right thing to do? This love was different, but it was still strong. He had had to move on. He didn't want to, but he had to. He needed to start living again.
Sydney would have wanted him to move on, he told himself. He would have wanted her to move on. Sure, the idea of Sydney in somebody else's arms pained him beyond belief, but all he would have wanted was for her to be happy.
If it were she in his position.
Lauren made him happy. He was sure of that and so Vaughn had made his decision. He was doing the right thing.