Chapter 11
"No!" Monica sobbed so deeply now that she thought it impossible for her to cry anymore. But she did, long and hard as she rested her head on what used to be Andrew's chest, clinging to his empty body so tightly that she thought she might never let go. She knew he was gone. She knew she was alone and there was no one in that body, but she couldn't help it. She loved him so much and it was far too much for her to bear knowing that he was dead. It was too much. He was her best friend. He couldn't be gone. A few minutes ago he was fine. Yesterday, he was standing and smiling and comforting her at the kitchen table.
The realization seemed to come to her all too suddenly that she was alone in the store. She had never felt more alone in her entire existence. It was like Andrew was here, but he wasn't. It was like his body he had left behind was only still there as a sign or statement saying 'Andrew was here'. Like those messages young children leave in the sand at the beach, or in sidewalk chalk in their driveway.
Monica couldn't bear to look up at his lifeless face now. She only lay next to his body, still resting her cheek on his chest while she clung to him and sobbed, desperately wishing he would just open his eyes and…be there again. But he was gone and it seemed that Monica lay there next to him for hours, though she didn't know how long it had really been. It could've been seconds for all she knew. But her tears never ran dry and she was positive they never would after this. She had never thought about how she would feel if something were to happen to Andrew, but she didn't have to. Now she knew. She wanted him back more than anything in the world. She just wanted to see him look at her again with those blue-green eyes. She just wanted to hear his gentle voice speak to her again. But it was too late for that now and all she could do was cry her heart out over what was left of him.
An Actual Poem by Roma Downey (Monica)
The tears have all been shed now
We said our last goodbye
His soul at last is laid to rest
And it's now I fell alone
He was more than just my comrade
My teacher my best friend
And he'll still be heard in the songs we shared
When I play them on my own
And I never will forget him
For he made me what I am
Tough he may be gone, the memory lingers on
And I miss him
My old friend
When I was young he'd take me walking
By mountains, hills and streams
He'd show me things not known to kings
A secret between him and me
Like the colors on a fat goose
That rises up at dawn
How to fish or make a wish beside a fairy tree
I thought he'd live forever
He seemed so big and strong
The moments fly and the years roll by
For a big angel and a little one
And suddenly when it happened
There was so much left unsaid
No second chance to tell him thanks
For everything he'd done
And I never will forget him
For he made me what I am
Though he may be gone
Memories linger on
God, I miss him
My old friend
After what seemed like an eternity of lying there with him, a strong, comforting voice caught Monica's attention from behind her and, though it wasn't the voice she wanted to hear, she could never describe how grateful she was to realize she was no longer alone. "Baby?" Tess called out to her in a voice so careful and tender that it was clear to Monica she had found out what had happened by her own means. But Monica didn't move from where she lay on the floor next to her dear friend's body. She could never describe how she longed to have him back with her. How she missed him already.
Tess' eyes were alight with tears of her own as she slowly made her way across the room and knelt next to her charge, placing an affectionate hand on Monica's heaving shoulder. She couldn't even bear to look at Andrew and so she focused instead on her trainee as heavy tears began to work their way over her dark cheeks as well. "Monica, baby." She called yet again as the horrible sound of Monica's sobs struck pain into her tender heart. But she forced herself to continue as she stroked her pupil's ginger hair affectionately. "You need to be strong now. Eliza is still out there and she needs her mother now more than ever." But when Tess received no real response from her charge, she realized what she had to say to get her attention. It was true enough and, though it pained her to say it, she knew Monica would listen to that. "What would Andrew want you to do?" This last question spilled out of her so quickly and surely that she barely had any time to think before she said it. But once she had, she realized that might not have been the best thing to say at a time like this. But at least it got a response.
Monica lifted her head from where it still rested against Andrew as she raised one hand to brush what tears she could away from her cheeks before more took their place. She thought about what Tess had said for a long, silent moment as she forced herself into a sitting position and, unlike Tess, she stared down at Andrew's empty face while she thought. She tried to imagine those hansom eyes opening again as if he had only been asleep and telling her she was beautiful and strong just like he once had. But he just…wasn't there and it was a horribly terrifying feeling.
But after some serious consideration, as she blinked back yet another set of painful tears, she knew somewhere seep inside her that Andrew would've wanted her to go and find her daughter. And only with that thought, did her mind wander from her best friend for just a moment as she remembered her little girl out there by herself with those demons. Quite suddenly, her attention shifted and she was unexpectedly filled with the strongest determination she had ever felt. As if someone had rekindled that raging inferno in her heart. The one that had simmered and gone out in cold smoke when Andrew…left her. But it was that fire that inspired her all of a sudden and she knew as a certainty that she would never lose someone else who was precious to her ever again. She couldn't. Not now. She would not let that happen.
Author's note: If you would like to hear Roma Downey recite the poem above, just send me a message and I will send the web address to you. (I can't post it here because when ever I post the address, it messes up my story format.)