X

(Notice: if you are easily offended by religion and other people not believing in whatever you believe DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER!)

"AAHH!" screamed the four, being chased by a huge man on a hellish steed was not cool. Frodo could hear his friends behind him laughing stupidly and screaming stupidly. They think this is a game? Fools! Frodo ran double time.

Soon Frodo tripped and fell in a pile of fresh dog crap. His three friends ran away in front of him. The fat man lumbered up… BOOM! BOOM! Went his feet on the ground. Followed by a series of quick footsteps. BOOM- BOOM-BOOM-BOOM…BOOM! "Yeh! Don't hurt me!" squealed Frodo.

"I will not," said the fat cloaked man

"Why?"

"Because."

"Why?"

"Because."

"I know; that's why I'm asking."

"Huh?"

Frodo had his chance! The stupid man was confused by an old hobbit trick. Frodo got up and ran. "Because you have shit on your face!" called the fat man. Frodo licked his face. Crap ain't half bad… yummy.

"Frodo! Frodo, over here!" called Pippin from a gondola. Everyone shouted support for Frodo when he stopped and looked at the water. "Jump high!" shouted Pippin.

"Alright! Here goes! RAHR!" Frodo flew up from the dock and landed on the gondola. They all looked back. Three fat guys on horses ran by screeching.

Sam yelled at them, "Too bad you can't jump very high, or else you could get in the gondola with us. Hah-hah!" The three men looked at each other, then looked at the gondola, then nodded. They all soared over to the gondola. Sam's reaction changed, "O fu-." but he was cut short, the three men flew to them, but didn't make it.

"AHH! It burns! OW!" screamed the men as they fell into the water. "Hey, this stuff doesn't burn… it kinda feels… good…" one of the hooded men said. The other two bopped him and whacked him.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Gandalf the Capitalist

"Hey! I need some brave hobbits to come and hunt Frodo down! Who is willing?" yelled Gandalf. Four hobbits came up and nodded that they were going to go. "Anyone else!" boomed Gandalf. Only one more hobbit raised a hand. "Ah, good! Now, go and hunt them down!'

Little did Gandalf know that the last hobbit to raise a hand was a Bucklander. He was going to do a martyr.

Gandalf cheered and screamed at the hobbits, telling them how he loved them. The Bucklander edged his way to the center of the crowd; acting like he was going up on the stage. He activated his charges.

A hobbit ran on stage. The hobbit murmured to Gandalf and pointed to the Bucklander. Gandalf squinted and nodded. Seven arrows hissed towards the Bucklander. He fell dead, never completing his mission for his religion.

The hobbits screamed in terror and stepped back from the dead body. "People, people! No need to panic! I have information that he was a martyr. Do not worry!" The hobbits stopped and listened.

"You, your family, your dog, and your pillows are under attack, under attack from Bucklanders. They are wicked and evil, they want to eat your cows and dogs alive! Their religion is not Christian! We must flush out the freaks and make them Christians!" cried Gandalf defiantly.

"Hey! I'm a Hindu! You got something against me? Come and get me!" shouted one of the hobbits.

"I'm a Jew! You gonna kill me!"

"I'm a tree-worshiper! I worship trees. Fuck you!

"Kill them my people! We need a coexisting community here!" screamed Gandalf with rage. The Christian hobbits ran to fight a crusade against… well everybody! There was soon graffiti on the walls that read 'Fu Catholics' and 'Suck it bible thumpers'.

Meanwhile the hobbits that volunteered to find Frodo had already set off. Gandalf led the Christians against the Jews and everyone else.

(Notice: Readers, I am not a believer of anything… I am not making fun of anyone in any way. I am just writing about Crusades and the government of the U.S.A. This story is obviously outrageous and incredibly stupid, so I repeat, I am not, in any way shape or form making fun of your religion or beliefs. Thank you.)