Author's Note: Okay here's chapter four. WARING! WARING! ANGST! LOTS AND LOTS OF ANGST. I hope you guys love this chapter and it explains a lot of things. If you've got questions still let me know and I'll address them in later chapters. I don't own any of the plays mentioned or RENT but I DO have Adam Pascal locked in my closet and Anthony Rapp in my basement and I make him sing Just Some Guy to me every night. Heh! Heh! Heh! Just kidding. Enjoy.

Lucky Star

Chapter 4

Pride steals precious time.

Lucky laid in her bed looking up at the freshly painted ceiling. The sheets felt cool against her over heated skin. She'd had the same dream that she had once about every six months. One that left her skin hot and clammy, her insides burning with want and need, the one that left her eyes wet with tears from the emotional pain she had endured alone. Silently she pulled back the red cotton sheets and blue bed spread opening the mosquito netting that was more to keep any furry rodents out then bugs. Slipping her feet into her slippers she adjusted her tank top and pants. She must've been tossing again in her sleep. Sighing she went about her morning routine knowing in two hours her personal trainer, Cas-sea would be here. She hit play on her c.d. player as the music recording to her current play moved threw the speakers that were placed strategically around the loft.

Lucky's loft was a block from The Space in Alphabet City but her loft looked more like one that belonged in Manhattan. The first thing she had done when finding she received the part was find a place to stay. Lucky had just come off of her tour from Lillian her first solo show when she received the call for Jason's current play. She'd liked that solitude that doing a solo show gave her: no one to make her be happy or cheerful. She just had to get threw her performance, do a good show, and then she could go home and cry.

"Don't think about it Lucy." Lucky thought as she brushed her hair. She had appointment tomorrow to dye her hair brown for Kiki's character who was supposed to be Porto Rican. Pulling her hair up in a ponytail she picked up her black work out pants and threw on a light pink sports bra.

Walking to the kitchen she put on the kettle and moved to the fridge. She had stocked it a couple of days ago with fruits, vegetables, and lots of chicken. "I can't wait till I get to eat something besides chicken." Lucky muttered to herself. "If you want to stay with that slim sexy figure you're going to stick with chicken." A male voice said behind Lucky. Lucky jumped and hit her head on the top of the fridge.

"Ooh." Lucky moaned pulling her head out of the fridge to see Cas-Sea her personal trainer and good friend standing behind her counter leaning on it. He was good looking at 6' even with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He had grin that at times Lucky wanted to slap off his face like now. "Now what would, what was his name, Lex that's right. What would Lex say to checking out my body?" Lucky grinned at him. "Probably invite you to bed with us." Cas-Sea grinned, "I'm sorry about last week." Cas-Sea said his grin dropping a little bit. "Bad week?" Lucky asked.

"How could a disease be so cruel to some and never infect others who ran wilder lives." Lucky thought as Cas-Sea recounted how he and his lover Lex spent most of their weak sick. A.I.D.S., how many people had Lucky lost to the disease? How many would she lose in the future? She had been lucky when the whole A.I.D.S. Epidemic came to light Lucky had been recovering from a broken heart and hadn't had any one to worry about being infected.

"Have you been taking your cocktail?" Lucky asked. Cas-Sea nodded, "Yes mom. We've been good little homos." Cas-Sea said with a smart ass look on his fast. She flipped him off as they finished their breakfast. "This is new what is it?" Cas-Sea asked talking about the music. "Today 4 You, the play I'm starring it. Isn't it great?" Lucky asked washing the plates up. "Yea it is. Make me a copy." Cas-Sea said pulling out their mats. Cas-Sea specialized in Yoga and Pilates a hot new trend that was taking off. "Ready?" Cas-Sea asked as Lucky walked out. Lucky nodded taking her place on the mat.

That night Lucky found herself standing in front of a sliding metal door she thought she'd never see again. She nervously adjusted her white, long sleeved body suit, should she knock or just open the door. There was a time this had been her home too but that had been 5 years ago. A lot had changed, she had changed. Moving the bag to her arm she knocked quickly on the door before she lost her nerve and ran. It quickly slides open as if someone had been waiting for a knock.

Roger had been seating next to the door for, three hours Mark noticed. Roger had been afraid he would miss Lucy's knock. If Mark was honest with himself, he would have admitted that was why he hadn't left to shoot today: he was afraid he'd miss seeing Lucy. Sighing he flipped threw Roger's and his script doing a couple of revisions before they gave it out tomorrow. Last minute changes before it became the official script. Jason Long the theater director had said he'd chosen a cast of famous Broadway actors who were willing to work for free to support the cause. Mark didn't care who was in it as long as it was on stage.

"Hey Roger, what do you think about changing the scene of Angel's funeral to where we don't see the actual church but just the graveside?" Mark asked. "What about the I'll Cover You Revise? It's one of Joanna's favorites." Roger said looking at him. "No keeping it just instead of you and Benny arguing at the Church your going to argue graveside like it actually happened." Mark said. "Just keep the same lines and change the scenery?" Roger asked looking confused. "Sort of." Mark shrugged.

God their scene designer hated them. They were constantly changing things. It had gotten to the point Young, their scene designer said he wasn't drawing another sketch until they had the final revision, meaning tomorrow.

Roger shrugged agreeing. A knock on the door and Roger shot up quickly and opened it. Mark looked up pencil that had been in his mouth falling out. Lucy stood there in a blue jean jacket, a white top that hugged her breast perfectly and jeans that encompassed her long legs. Mark had to bite back a groan of pleasure as she nervously ran her fingers threw her hair pushing back her waist length blond hair out of her eyes.

"Hey I didn't know whether to knock or just open it, did I come at a bad time?" Lucky asked. "No!" Roger jumped. Taking a breath he tried to calm his nerves. Opening his arms he pulled Lucky into a hug. "Hey Baby Princess." Roger whispered in her hair. Lucky was stiff at first and then relaxed into his arms at his nickname for her. Pulling away so not to make Lucky nervous Roger looked at all she had in her arms. "Dinner?" Roger asked taking the bags from her and heading to the kitchen as Lucky nodded.

Lucky looked around the loft, it had changed. There were no longer broken windows and the skylight had been fixed so snow no longer came in. She smiled at the nice leather couch and TV. that looked like it hadn't been watched in months. She noticed two guitars one blue, one black sitting in the corner. "Are you still playing?" Lucky asked her brother. Roger nodded as he fixed plates. Lucky walked over picking up the blue one noticing it was fairly new and started strumming it. "And you apparently picked up playing one again." Roger said with a smile setting her plate on the kitchen counter.

Lucky blushed and looked towards the door noticing one was open. It was clean with a huge bed in it. "You have bed! A real bed, with a bed frame and all! Think it's big enough?" Lucky grinned at Roger.

"California King, and yeah I have a real bed now." Roger said grinning and sitting down on the couch. "What happen did you start robbing places?" Lucky asked as she sat down opposite of him. "Why does everyone keep asking us that Mark?" Roger said turning his head towards his roommate.

Mark had sat silently on his desk observing Lucy as she walked threw the loft admiring all the things he and Roger had changed since they started to make money. She was beautiful, more beautiful then he remembered. Time had been very good to her. Though he decided she was little thin. He had to jerk himself out of his admiring when Roger spoke to him.

"Probably because no one knows yet Roger." Mark said. Lucky looked at him internally fighting whether she wanted him to join them or kick him out of the loft all together. "So tell me everything Luc… sorry Lucky." Roger said. "You can call me Lucy, Roger." Lucky said with a small smile. "Which do you prefer?" Roger asked looking at her. "Lucky." She shrugged. "Then Lucky it is." Roger nodded. "So what happen after you left? Did you take Broadway by storm?" Roger asked.

Lucky sighed, "Yeah I sold out and became an actress." She said bitterly. "Not happy?" Mark asked. "You'd like that wouldn't you?" Lucky snapped. "No I'm very happy with my life." Lucky said looking coldly at Mark. Roger took her hand drawing her attention to him. "So tell me what you did after you left Alphabet City." Roger spoke softly. He wanted to know everything she would let him.

"After I left here I went to Manhattan to meet with Jack Masters and Christian Sharp. Sharp was the one that discovered me in Lisa's play. He stuck with me threw everything; Became my best friend till about a year ago but, that comes later. So I got the part as Lottie in the traveling production of Phantom of the Opera. I went everywhere, even to England and Australia for a couple of weeks. About four months after I joined the cast the actress who was playing Christine came down with laryngitis. They had emergency auditions and I got the part. So for six months I got to star in Phantom of the Opera. That's how Zach and I got so close." Lucky said with a smile.

"Prince charming." Mark thought as he sat watching Lucky as she told her story. He liked the way her eyes got their far off dreamy look when thinking about achieving her dream. He regretted that he never got to see her; he would bet money she was one of the best. Mark remembered the hours she would spend practicing on the roof.

"Then after I did that I decided to give my voice a rest and do a drama. So I auditioned for several plays and got Stella in Streetcar Named Desire. I was so excited. I stayed there till October of 1990. During all this time Christian traveled with me making sure I was taking care of myself and my voice. Stupid me: I didn't even realize as I got more popular and more drive he was becoming weaker. He'd get sick and it would be horrible. In October he revealed that he had A.I.D.S. My best friend was dying and he wouldn't be there to see me become a star. That's when I left Streetcar so I could help take care of him. David his lover had left him saying her couldn't watch him kill himself with work. And David was right. Christian was killing himself to make me a star. So when he got to the point he couldn't take care of himself I did it. I owed him for taking a chance on me. I loved him and he was all that I had. So I nursed him until he died. I hate hospitals I spent too much time in them." Lucky whispered the pain raw in her voice and tears held in her eyes.

"Oh God my poor baby girl:" Roger thought pulling Lucky into his arms letting her draw strength from him. "How am I going to tell her? Should I tell her? If I don't Mark will, he's already threatened it. She deserves to know the truth. The whole truth of what happen." Roger kissed her temple as he felt her start to recover.

"Sorry, just the thought of Christian gets to me at times." Lucky whispered. She stayed in Roger's arms her head resting on his chest. Oh how she had missed this, being able to draw from him the strength that she needed to get threw a day. Lucky was so tired of having to pull down deep to be strong. "After Christian died I just started working. I didn't want to stop. It meant thinking, feeling, hurting, I didn't want to feel. Acting meant I got to pretend I was fine and I was a damn good actress. I went to Noises Off that's were I got hooked up with Austin and Sam. I played Vicki; it felt good to pretend to be happy and ditzy. Numbing I guess is a better word for it. That was my first Broadway play. That was the first time I got to be called a Broadway actress. After that I wanted to do something completely out of character. I wanted to be anyone but me so I took a fill in for an actress who got pregnant and couldn't work for awhile. I did Chicago. Jason Long who's directing my current play offered me the part." Lucky kept talking.

Mark wasn't sure when he moved to the chair that sat next to Roger. Maybe it was when Lucy started talking about losing her best friend to A.I.D.S. He could relate. His heart hurt for Lucky because he knew the feelings she was having. He had them everyday. The sheer fear that a sneeze from Roger wasn't just a sneeze; it was the beginning of the end. His ears perked up again when she mentioned Jason's name. "OH GOD! That's how she knows the songs. She's one of the actresses in the play." Mark mentally groaned. Things had just got a lot more complicated, Lucky had no idea, she didn't know about the drugs, the A.I.D.S., when she had lived here Mark been very careful to help hide Roger's secrets from her.

"After I did Chicago I knew I had to deal with Christian's death. I started participating in the A.I.D.S. Foundation. Becoming a spokeswoman and screamer of the message to fight A.I.D.S. and teach the next generation how to be safe. While I was doing Lillian I would go to whatever high school that would let me talk. I would talk about safety of a condoms, the danger of sharing needles, and the importance of getting test before they had sex and every time they have unprotected sex. I also did a lot of writing and soul searching during that time. I took a page from your book Roger and started playing guitar again and writing songs. Char wants to take the songs I've written and make a c.d. with another singer she found and all the proceeds go to the A.I.D.S. Foundation." Lucky spoke proudly of her accomplishments.

"Char, so this was the little girl with a big voice and bigger talent for music." Roger thought as he grinned. He knew he was the other singer; it had been his idea to make a c.d. to raise funds. That had led to Capital Records signing him for two records with an option of a large contract saying they liked each other.

"I had just finished with the Lillian tour when Jason called and said he wanted me to read for a part in the new play he was directing. And here I am: I'm starring in Today 4 You; I play Kiki. I love the music and what I've read of the script I loved. The two guys who wrote it were really talented. Jason said they're new comers to theater but they're really good. Roger tell me you'll come see me in it. I never asked you to come to the others but please, I want you to come to this one." Lucky whispered. "Of course we'll be there." Roger whispered.

Lucky looked up at him and smiled, "So what about you Roger? What have you been up to?" Lucky asked. "Can I tell you after I take some of this to Mimi?" Roger asked. "Of course, I didn't get her anything because I didn't know what she would want. I like her Roger, she seems very sweet and I can tell she adores you." Lucky smiled. "Thanks Lucy. That means a lot that you approve of her." Roger said kissing her fore head and gathering some of the take out containers. He slipped out the window. "She lives downstairs doesn't she?" Lucky asked with a smirk. "Yeah." Mark muttered.

Lucky sat for several minutes just looking at her hands when Mark finally spoke, "Do you want some coffee?"

"Do you have tea? I rarely have coffee." Lucky said. Mark nodded and headed towards the kitchen. He busied himself with making the tea. But when he put the kettle on the fire he gave up and asked the question that had burned in him for years, "Why'd you leave Lucy?" "Excuse me?" Lucky looked up shocked at him. "I asked why you just ran away to Manhattan." Mark asked.

Lucky was in shock. Why had she left? Why had she left! Lucky stood up. "You have some fucken nerve to ask me that question Cohen. You know why I left. YOU TOLD ME TO! After you told me you didn't love me anymore that you have found someone else." Lucky yelled. "I told you I wanted you to move out of the loft. Not runaway to Manhattan." Mark yelled back. Mark knew he didn't have a right to yell, he didn't even have a right to be mad really. He had told her to leave the loft that he found someone who needed him more then she did. Of course she didn't know it was Roger.

"Obviously we remember that night EXTREMELY differently." Lucky yelled at him. "I remember you invited me up to the roof. I was so excited I had so much to tell you and I was completely in love with you." Lucky walked across the room to the counter yelling. "When I get up there you stand there and say its over. That you don't feel the same way anymore; that you found someone who needed you more then I did and that wanted me to leave the loft. I was in shock; I was hurt, and scared. When I came downstairs I meet Roger and he says I'm being pathetic, he says horrible things to me. Oh god I can still hear him in my head." At this moment Lucky was sobbing.

Mark head shot up, Roger, oh god he'd been addicted to heroin and was known for his violent outburst. Mark had made it a point to arrange their meeting that night away from him and at a time Mark had thought he was out with April. If Roger had been high when Lucy had ran into him he could've said anything. His head moved to see Roger and Mimi coming running into the door. Roger moved quickly to Lucky taking her in his arms. Lucky shoved him away from her. "STAY AWAY FROM ME! You said those things. Called me pathetic: called me weak: said that I wasn't worth anyone's time." Lucky moved back till she hit Mark's desk her hands resting on his papers.

"Lucy what I said, God baby girl I'm so sorry. I was a different person. I swear Lucy." Roger pleaded with his sister.

"Lucky, my name is Lucky. Lucy died of a broken heart when her brother and her lover turned on her within moments of each other." Lucky said coldly. Mark knew this trick he was a master of it. Shove everything in a shell in the back of your mind and don't deal with it. "What were you going to tell me?" Mark asked getting in her face. He knew he had to invade her safety space. "Get out of my face Cohen!" She said dangerously. "What the hell were you so excited about? I knew about the offer to travel with Phantom so what the hell could've been so important." Mark said coldly. Mark could feel Roger pulling at his arm. "I bet there was nothing. You were just a child with a school girl crush." Mark said leaning closer to her.

"No I wasn't."

Mark could see the shell cracking. "THEN WHAT HELL COULD YOU HAVE TOLD ME THAT WOULD'VE CHANGED MY MIND!" Mark yelled in her face. "I WAS PREGNANT!" Lucky screamed throwing the papers on the floor.

Roger had expected a lot of things but Lucky admission to being pregnant hadn't been among them and from the look on Mark's face it was the last thing he'd expected. Lucky fell to the ground pulling her knees to her chest, rocking and sobbing. Mark's face was horror stricken. Mimi rushed past both of the wrapping her arms around Lucky as she sobbed. Lucky clung to Mimi like if she let go she would drown in her own misery.

"Shhh Chica. It'll be okay I swear. We'll make it okay." Mimi whispered in Lucky's ear. Mimi shot Mark and Roger a look that said to get the hell out. With the look both Mark and Roger turned to the door and headed for the roof.

Mark leaned against the wall taking quick shallow breaths. Pregnant, she'd been pregnant at 18 and he'd sent her away with out ever knowing. He'd been cruel to her thinking he was saving her from what he was about to do to Roger. "You've got to breathe Mark." Roger said rubbing his back. "Pregnant, she was pregnant Roger. What the hell was I thinking when I sent her away? I have a child Roger. Their four and I've never known them." Mark said. "You won't do them any good if you hyperventilate." Roger said. Mark heard gravel move behind them and he turned quickly to see Mimi standing there.

"She's ready to talk but I swear Mark you pull shit like you did in there and I'll push you off the roof of this building. She sitting on the fire escape smoking last time I left her." Mark rushed past her towards the door rushing down the steps to the loft. He ran threw it to the window and then the fire escape.

Lucky sat on the corner smoking a cigarette like she had when she lived here. She was perfectly balanced and thought nothing of being a 100 feet up and possibly falling. He watched her knowing she had to initiate this conversation.

"I hadn't planned on telling you when I saw you. I didn't want to do that to you. I was about 6 weeks along. I had found out that day. I rushed home to tell you. I was so excited and felt so blessed. When you told me you found someone else I couldn't tell you. I wouldn't have you stay with me out of pity. I lost the baby two weeks after I left. Doctor said it was a combination of emotional stress and the fact my body thought the baby was an infection. That was the last straw. That night was the night Lucy Davis died. As long as I had Marcus I had a piece of you. And that was all I cared about. But when I lost him I lost you and I couldn't handle it anymore. I never wanted to tell you about him and then tell you, you have to mourn him." Lucky said taking a drag off her cigarette.

Mark was heartbroken. His child, their child was dead and he had a hand in killing it by leaving Lucky. "It wasn't your fault Mark." Lucky said. "I never once blamed you. I blamed God, I blamed myself, I blamed a lot of things but, I never once blamed you." Lucky said looking at him. "He has a little grave. It's really beautiful. I was able to put a headstone on it. I hope you don't mind I went ahead and gave him a name and birth certificate." Lucky said. "Of course not: What, what was his name?" Mark asked. "Marcus Roger Thomas Cohen." Lucky said with a sad smile after their entire group.

When Lucky and Mark entered the loft Mimi had already told Roger everything. Roger walked over hugging his sister mourning the loss of his nephew and the pain that Lucky had been threw. He let go of her and hugged Mark. "I'm sorry buddy." He whispered. "Thanks." Mark whispered back.

"What are you doing with this?" Lucky asked. Roger turned to see Lucky had been picking up the pages she had thrown from Mark's desk. "Lucky." Roger started. "Mark what are you doing with this? This is the script to Today 4 You. How'd you get this? And these, these are the lyrics and notes but their, their in Rogers… Oh God. You wrote it. You wrote the play." Lucky looked horrified. Roger nodded.

"No. Cause this is based on their lives." Lucky said. "I know." Roger put his hands on her arms and led her to the couch sitting her down. "Now it's our turn to tell you what's been going on." Mark said sitting next to Roger on the coffee table.

Roger held Lucky as she cried. Mark stroked her hair as she came to grips with the truth. Roger was H.I.V. positive. Collins was H.I.V. positive. April had killed herself. Mark had left her not because of another woman but to protect her from Roger who had been strung out on heroin. They had all lost so much time with each other. All their secrets and pride had stolen precious time from them. "Lucky:" Mark whispered. "I can't believe it. What am I going to do?" Lucky looked at the two men. "You're going to fulfill my last wish. You're going to do the show. You're going to learn your lines and the music and know that you're telling our story and the story of hundreds of people and you're going to be wonderful." Roger said kissing her forehead. "I've missed you so much Roger." Lucky said rubbing her check against him.

"Let's put you to bed Baby Princess." Roger whispered. "But where are you going to sleep?" Lucky asked yawning. "I'll stay down at Mimi's. I'll be back in the morning." Roger answered. Lucky nodded as she started to nod off. Roger gave her a pair of old flannel pants and a tank that she had left her when she lived here. "Roger, I love you." Lucky whispered kissing his check. "I love you too Lucky." Roger said kissing her forehead before leaving her to sleep.

Author's Closing:

Like it? Hate it? Completely and utterly confused by it? This was probally the most emotionally driven chapters I've ever wrote. I hope it's up to your standards. Remember:

No Day But Today