I do not own smash brothers. Now excuse me, I need to evade the police.
(jumps out of window)
"Luigi," shouted an arrogant manager, "where is my plate of dynamite!"
Luigi managed to weave through the office to present his employer with a plate of succulent C4.
"About time!" he berated. "I need something for my acid reflux!"
The manager swallows the dynamite and suddenly a bright light descended from the florescent lights and transformed the manager into a stapler.
"At last!" cheered Luigi. "Tis a healing potion to soothe my mental scars."
He takes the stapler and begins firing it at his desktop.
Luigi laughs manically. "Take that, you infernal machine! That'll teach you to crash when I pour water through your heating vents!"
A fellow employee rushes into his cubicle, breath ragged from sprinting.
"Luigi," gasped the employee, "everyone in the lobby has started cuddling adorable puppies!"
Luigi spins around to face the faceless employee, horrified at the news. "Such vile acts will not be tolerated! Quickly show me!"
They raced away from his cubicle, took a left, a right, straight ahead. BRICK WALL!
The employee crashed into it, but Luigi was fine. He stopped to hammer a nail into a wall.
"There," he said satisfied, "the world is safe now, for now."
A gathering of people watched him walk off into the sunset.
"Who was that man?" one asked.
Another turned to him in surprise. "That was a man?"
The other nodded.
"Than why is he wearing a dress?"
"Peach!" shouted a sombre accountant. "You must find the sacred pencil sharper. And then go eat jello!"
Peach nodded. She takes a running start and crashes through a window. Currently she is on the top floor of a hundred-story building. As she is falling, she concocted a brilliant idea.
"I'll just land on my head!"
Therefore, she spun in mid-air, head positioned to land first.
While falling, she encountered Cell.
"So, you're the Chosen One!"
Peach gave a slow, grim nod.
"You must be strong. So let us fight!"
After losing two out of three in "Rock, paper, scissors," cell cursed his magic 8-ball and made a vow.
"Someday, I will be the one who wears that dress! And then, no one will be prettier than me!"
He does the standard villain laugh and leaves.
Eventually, what seemed like several hours, she crashes through the pavement and drilling through several dozen feet of soil.
She breaks through into a hollow dirt tunnel and lands flat on her face. She gets up and looks around.
"I'M BLIND!" she screams.
Mewtwo teleports in and whacks her head.
"That's my bit!" he roared.
And then he left.
Suddenly the ground explodes beneath her, sending her back to the surface.
On the surface, she encountered a group of apes.
One of them approached her. "Say," he pointed out, "your dress is torn."
Peach collapses to her knees and starts hitting the pavement with her fist.
"NO! Everything's gone. I didn't even get a chance to eat jello!"
As she cried, the others looked at each other.
"C'mon, Frank," said one, "we're going to be late for the 'Planet of the Apes' convention."
As they left her there, the sombre accountant was talking to someone else.
"(Insert name)!" shouted a sombre accountant. "You must find the sacred pencil sharper. And then go eat jello!"
"Okay, Donkey Kong, I'll just call you DK for short, we'll start by electrocuting that rock."
Both DK and Dr. Madman took cattle prods and started zapping a rock.
"Interesting," muttered Dr. Madman, "the rock apparently cannot feel pain."
"I must go to the washroom," said DK.
The doctor waved him away and DK prodded towards the washroom. Inside, he takes out a printer and photocopies his butt.
Afterwards, he takes the copy and shows it to the wall. Seeing something so hideous, the wall crumbles.
He walks through into the open air, and starts taking a leak on the grass.
"Do, dah, do, dah, do."
When he was done, he throws a bunch of gas onto the grass and lights it on fire. He goes back inside.
The Doctor notes his return and winches.
"Ugghh, make sure you flush again!"
DK nods absently and proceeds to zap the rock again.
"Did you remember to keep the toilet seat down?"
DK felt his stomach turn. No he did not.
From the toilet emerged thousands of ants. They held picketing signs. They marched up to the duel and chanted:
"We need more money! We need more money!"
DK stood back to back with the doctor.
"DK," whispered the doctor, "remember plan b?"
DK knew the doctor was somewhat crazy, but this was annihilating the essence of sanity and achieving nirvana while eating a banana cream pie...or something like that.
"Plan b? What about the consequences!"
"Do it!"
DK sighs and begins singing. Badly.
At the far end of the lab, the wall bulges on impact from a fist. The second hit breaks the wall, creating a spray of debris.
Stepping through the rubble was American Icon judge, Cimon Sowell!
"What the blazes are you doing?" he spoke in haughty inflictions. "Because it seemed to me you were trying to develop a new means of torture."
"Run," shouted an ant, "it is the undead judge of cruelty!"
They all fled in all directions, excluding that of Cimon's.
The undead judge starred directly at DK. "You must be killed for the good of music."
DK whimpered, but the doctor came to his rescue.
"Stop! Leave this realm!"
Cimon smirked. "Few things can stop me. An ape and an old man aren't any of them."
"No," replied the doctor, "but this will!"
Against his sense of good taste, with insulated gloves, he holds up a vinyl record towards Cimon. "This is 'MacArthur Park!' the first release!"
Sowell takes a step back. "NO! Keep that filth away from me!"
The doctor approaches Sowell who retreats with every step the doctor takes. Yet, just by being in the mere presence of the single is scorching judge's skin.
The judge could not take any more.
"You win this time! But remember, my show comes back every season! HAHAHHA"
He disappears in a cloud of miasmas. The doctor immediately rushes over to a steel vault, opens it, and places the record in a sleeve. He runs out, locks the vault, and burns his gloves.
"Whew, well let's get back to work."
They both proceeded to throw rotten tomatoes at the rock.