shadow thez hedgehog

by waggy99

it the best story ever

Disclaimer: I don't even own myself, much less a huge, megacorportaion like SEGA. That's right, my soul is property of the fanfic demons. And so I suffer... T-T

Shadow looked down over the field. An errant wind blew the grass, like a dusty green ocean. Caught in the wind was a discarded newspaper, proclaiming news of the returning black comet. It flew about level with shadow's knee until an random cross breeze pushed it into his face.

"MFFGMFMMFGET OFF OF ME!" Shadow shouted, flailing his arms at it. After brushing it out of his quills, he returned to looking at the field. "Who am I? Why am I here?"

"No, seriously. WHY am I HERE! What so damn special about this field? And this tree? Why am I not inside somewhere, I'm freezing my ass off!" Shadow sighed. There was probably a reason. He'd just forgotten. He forgot a lot of things. His memory worked about as efficiently as a six month calender. He would be hard pressed to remember an event that happened two days ago. He had what had been described as 'Chronic Amnesia.' But he didn't remember that.

"Hmm." He remembered only a few things. A name. A soldier's gun. A scream.

And Professor Gerald in a Speedo. That kind of image stuck, like the mental equivalent of a bowling ball to the testicles.

The sky suddenly turned gray. Shadow muttered something. "It'll rain cats and dogs in minute."

Actually, it rained lizard men, which began to eat stray cats and dogs. And cars. And pedestrians. Shadow raised an eyebrow. "Ah. That must be my cue to rush in, organize a resistance, push back the aliens and save the city from the clutches of evil!" He said, curling his fist and saluting a nearby flag.

He then took out a piece of paper and wrote something down. "And that's one my one joke for this year." He said, replacing the paper and jumping into a tree, where the aliens probably wouldn't bug him.

NOT SO FAST, SHADOW.

"...zzz...zzz..."

SHADOW?

"...zzz...SNOOORE...zzz..."

SHADOW!

"Whuh? Oh! That's me!" He poked his head out of the tree. "Yeah?"

SHADOW...IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME...

"...Satan?"

UMM...NO. I AM BLACK DOOM, AND I HOLD THE SECRETS TO YOUR PAST.

"What, ALL of them!"

ALL OF THEM.

"Wow. So...what do you want?"

For YOU TO ERADICATE ALL HUMANS.

"Huh?"

"Sigh...YOU KNOW, THE TALL, STUPID, PINK THINGS?

"Oh! Right! And you'll give me the secrets to my past, right!"

YES.

"You got it, Vagina Face!" Shadow said, dashing off.

-----Westopolis----------

Shadow dashed down the side of the building. "Humans beware, for your end draws near." He shouted, leaping the gap to the street. He was greeted by an armed soldier. The soldier was greeted to Shadow's fist. "One down, lots to go. You humans will know my..." The ground around his feet began to glow. "Eh?"

The laser blast blew him clear across the street. Brushing rubble out of his quills, he managed to notice another glow under him. "Shit!" He swore, jumping out the way and into another glow. He turned his landing into a handspring and vaulted away. "Heh. That was close..." The laser had other plans, however, as the glow moved to Shadow's new position.

A few minutes later, Shadow poked his head out of the doorway of a particularly laser battered building. It seemed to be safe. "Hmm. Weatherman was wrong, as usual." Stepping carefully to avoid any more explosions, he made his way down to the corner. "Now, what was I doing again?" He scratched his head.

"Shadow! Fancy running into you here!"

"Huh? Who are...wait." Shadow turned around and looked at another piece of paper, with the heading 'People to remember'.

"..."

"..."

"...Hint?"

"Shut up. Okay, Sonic. Right. What do you want?"

"Well..." Sonic brushed some green slime off his forehead. "I was wondering of you wanted to help save the humans."

"Humans?"

"Sigh...Tall, stupid, pink..."

"Yeah, right. Humans. Sure, why not." Shadow said, running down the slope and jumping through a birdlike creature. Landing on the torn pavement, Shadow felt a nagging feeling. "Hang on, I think I'm forgetting something."

"You're ALWAYS forgetting something."

"No, wait...something...about...a talking vagina?" Shadow muttered. Sonic raised an eyebrow. "...Okay, let's just pretend you never said that." Sonic looked up at the red sky. "We should get moving. There's plenty more where they came from." He said, motioning for Shadow to follow.

"Right." Shadow tore down the disheveled street and got to work on the aliens. As the lumbering, scaly brutes swung their claws at him, Shadow dodged and countered, driving his fists through their armored hides. Flipping over a laser shot, he landed on the shooter's shoulders and broke its neck with a kick. Taking its weapon, he blasted through a descending hawk, used its falling corpse as a stepping stone and landed behind the last alien, which he quickly dispatched.

Sonic raised an eyebrow. "Since when do YOU use guns?"

"...I don't remember..."

"Yeah, yeah. What else is new?" He broke into a run and headed towards another patch of aliens. "I'm going on ahead. You catch up!"

"Right..." Shadow took the ammo from the other aliens and was about to get moving after Sonic when he felt something loom behind him.

"Satan?"

YOU WISH.

"Vagina?" Shadow turned around. What he saw looked like a cross between a Matrix robot and a starfish.

SHUT UP. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, SHADOW? YOU'VE DECIMATED MY WARRIORS, WHILE ALLOWING THE HUMANS TO SURVIVE!

"But you told me to...didn't you?"

Dooms Eye pushed into Shadow's face threateningly. THAT WAS SONIC, YOU FOOL!

"...I thought Sonic was the talking Vagina."

I'M THE TALKING VA...ER... The eye projected the hologram of Black Doom. I MEAN, I'M THE ONE THAT WAS TALKING TO YOU EARLIER. YOU SWORE TO KILL THE HUMANS!

"Why?"

BECAUSE I HAVE YOUR MEMORIES! Doom thundered.

"Oh, I remember now!"

WELL, NO. YOU DON'T. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. NOW, GO AND WREAK HAVOC UPON...

"Hey, Shadow!" Sonic shouted, running up the street. "Are you coming or..." He looked at the looming figure. "...Satan?"

NO...

"A talking..."

ARRRGGH! Black Doom pressed a button on his wrist. A laser shot down and zapped Sonic. He turned back to Shadow. HUMANS! GO! KILL! NOW!

"Going!" Shadow shouted, running from the lasers.

Dark Mission Completed

–Somewhere Else---

VERY GOOD, SHADOW. IT SEEMS THAT WITH THE PROPER...MOTIVATION, YOU WILL BE A POWERFUL ALLY.

"Yeah." Shadow looked at the building that Black Doom had lead him to. "Why are we here?"

IN THIS NEW AGE, SHADOW, THOSE WHO RULE THE REALM OF INFORMATION RULE ALL. THE HUMANS KEEP THEIR INFORMATION IN THIS...INTERNET. YOU WILL GO THERE, TAKE CONTROL, AND SECURE A FOOTHOLD FOR THE BLACK ARMS IN THE CONQUEST OF THIS WORLD.

"Umm...but..how do I get there?" Shadow asked. Doom's Eye held out two of it's tentacles. In each was a small, colored capsule.

YOU TAKE THE RED PILL.

—Digital Circuit----

"...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

STOP SCREAMING. YOU GOT OFF THE LIGHTSPEED CIRCUIT TEN MINUTES AGO.

"Yeah...but...so...scary..." Shadow stammered, clutching at the ground.

OH, PLEASE. YOU HIT A FIREWALL. IT ISN'T THE END OF THE WORLD (AND IF ANYONE WOULD KNOW, IT'S ME.). Black Doom took out a piece of paper. OKAY, THAT'S ONE JOKE FOR THIS YEAR...

"You'd scream if YOU got on that thing..."

DON'T BE SUCH A...

"I WAS REROUTED TO A BESTIALITY SERVER."

...AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

"Hedgehogs...brutalized...in so many places..." Shadow curled up into his sine-ball. "Orifice...of the week...nostrils..."

A Black Arms grunt came up and tapped Doom's Eye on it's retina. After a mumbled conversation, Black Doom got a hold of himself and roused Shadow back into action. NOW REMEMBER, THE HUMANS STILL MAINTAIN A PRESENCE AROUND HERE. IT'S A GOVERNMENT SERVER, SO THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF SECURITY.

"Hey, wait...if you have a whole army, how come you need me to do all this? I mean, sure, I can do it a faster than some grunt, but it kind of seems like a waste of resources just to..."

SHADOW?

"Yeah?" SMACKY! NO QUESTIONS! EVER!

"Ow! Geez, I was just asking." Shadow hopped from platform to platform. "Huh? What that noise?" He looked at an alien soldier engaged in combat with a beetle. "Ah. Good luck with that." The alien blinked, lunged forward and took a bite out of one of Shadow's quills. Shadow responded with a kick to the chin. "Agh! Doom, what the hell was that! I thought they were on our side!"

THEY ARE. BUT THEY JUST REALLY, REALLY LIKE TO KILL THINGS.

"Well, tell them not to."

CAN'T. THEY HAVE NO EARS.

"Hmmph. Way to design a..." Shadow was interrupted by a pair of hands over the eyes. Interpreting another hungry alien, he grabbed it and swung it over his back. "I'M NOT AN ENTREE, YOU COSMIC NIMROD!"

"Cosmic what!" A gloved fist shot up and pushed his eye into the back of his skull. When he got up, Rouge was standing on his forehead. "You need to loosen up, Shadow, or you might just stay a bachelor forever."

Shadow narrowed his eyebrows. "Sorry, Rogue, I didn't see you. Someone put their hands over my eyes."

"Watch it, wiseguy. Now, the government sent me in to retrieve the Chaos Emerald before the aliens got to it. But these aliens are more annoying than I thought they would be. Care to lend a hand?"

"Sorry, Rogue, but I can't do that. I'm..." Shadow stopped talking and started staring a point about a foot behind Rouge's ear. She turned around. There was nothing there. "Umm...Shadow?"

"What?"

"Are you helping me or not?"

"I'm..not sure yet..." He said, squinting into the distance. Rouge looked, but saw nothing. "You're starting to weird me out..."

"Hang on, Rouge." Shadow turned her around to look at Doom's eye. "Does that word look like 'Girl' or 'Hurl'?"

"STARFISH!"

"No, that can't be it, no one has hand writing THAT bad..."

Doom's Eye threw away the cue card. YOU WOULD IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE HANDS. AND I WAS TRYING TO GIVE YOU MY ORDERS WITHOUT YOU ALERTING THE GIRL, YOU FOOL!

"Well, why didn't you say so!" Shadow shouted.

THAT'S WHAT THE CARD SAID!

Rouge swiped Shadow's gun and tried to pump the eyeball full of lead. "Alien scum! Go back to Pluto!"

"Rouge, stop! He's the leader of the aliens!"

"...And I should stop shooting him...Why?" Rouge questioned. Doom used that time to make his escape.

"Err...never mind." Shadow said, jumping to the next platform. "I have to go."

"NOT SO FAST, JERKBALL!" Rouge grabbed him by his shoe and brought him to the ground. "There's an emerald in there. And there are aliens in the the way. You going to get the OUT of the way." Her grip tightened, threatening to pop Shadow foot off his leg. "GET IT?"

Hero Mission Completed

–Prison Island—

Shadow moaned softly to himself as he clambered up onto prison island, covered in bruises. Rouge had been...less than pleased when she learned that he had been helping the aliens. A familiar eyeball glided out of the shadows and approached him. Shadow sighed. "Haven't you gotten me in enough trouble?"

RELAX, SHADOW. THAT WAS ONLY A...TEMPORARY SETBACK. WE WILL STILL GAIN CONTROL OF THIS WORLD, REST ASSURED. AND YOU WILL STILL BE REWARDED WITH YOUR MEMOR...OWWWWW!

"Move it, freakshow!" Something small squeaked, as Doom's Eye shot into the dark, nursing a sting wound. "Hiya, Shadow! I gotta ask you something..." Shadow didn't say anything, he just grabbed the bee and punted him like a football. "NEXT TIME, I GET A FLY SWATTER!"

"Aww, come on, Shadow!" Chramy moaned, picking himself up off the ground and zipping back to Shadow. " I REALLY need your help! PLEEEEEEESE! If I don't get those disks, Vector's gonna be so mad!"

"And I care...why?" Shadow wondered, mentally reaching out for a chaos emerald.

"Look, if you help me out, I'll help you!" Shadow's manner did not seem affirmative. Charmy thought about what he had to offer."Gum? How about gum?" Shadow was very careful to ignore him. "I'll...um..I could...OOH! I could get Espio and Vector to help you uncover the secrets of your past! 'Cause we're detectives!"

Shadow stopped. "Detectives? Hmm..." He thought back to the beating Rouge had given him. 'And if you EVER start working with that floating freak again, you'll get worse than this!' Shadow shivered. Yep, an alternate road to his memory seemed pretty appealing right now. "Fine. You've got a deal."

"Huh! Really?" Charmy exclaimed.

"Yes. But you have to stop talking so much."

"But I...uh...fine..." The bee conceded, following him in silence.

Hero Mission Completed

—Computer Room---

Vector leaned over Espio's shoulder. "Done yet?"

"No."

"...How about now?"

"NO!"

"...How a..."

"Cork it, Leatherhead!" Espio shouted, typing in another password. Eggman's version of 'Access Denied', an evil clown laugh, rang though the room once more. "GRAAAHH!" Espio screamed, jumping onto the monitor. YOU SON OF A B#$ ASS#SUC$#!EYED LITTLE PR! SQAURE ROOT TO TH# ?$# ASS BANDIT!"

"...woah..." Vector breathed, from the other side of the room, as the Chameleon began to beat his head against the screen, with increasing profanity. Next to him, the door slid open. Vector blinked. "Well, if it isn't Shadow!"

With something between fear, awe and amazement, Shadow looked at Vector. "What crawled down your throat and died there!"

"Shut up. What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Your mascot made me an offer. By the way, these are yours." Shadow said, passing over the secret disks.

"No way!" Vector shouted, popping one into his C.D. player. "Oh..yes! Oh! Oh, oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, oh! HUH! Oh! Oh, oh!"

"Music? They were music disks?" Shadow asked. "You sent your teammate into hostile territory for MUSIC?"

"My teacher confiscated them when I was in fourth grade! I haven't seen them in years! Oh, here's the good part! Uhuhuhuh! HUH! Uhuhuhuh! HUH!" Vector hummed, dancing in manner reminicsient to a rythmically inclined...well...crocodile. Shadow glared at him for a moment, and then remembered that he didn't care.

"Okay! It's working!" Espio informed them, standing over the monitor with a morningstar. "Finally!" Vector said, looking at thescreen. "We can get into the Doc's server now!" Shadow's ears perked up. "Server? As in internet?" He snapped, backing away.

"Well, yeah..." Vector responded, with a curious look. "Something wrong?"

"I'm not going back there! There's bestiality in there!" Shadow shouted, as he escaped through the window. Espio watched him go. "...That was...odd." Vector shrugged. "Whatever."

"Well, now how do we get onto the internet?" Espio wondered aloud. "Charmy feed all our red pills to the aliens."

"They looked good in trench coats!" Charmy exclaimed.

"Ah, don't get excited. I've gotta plan fer every thing." Vector said, Picking up his Ninja companion. "Jack in, SourpussMan.EXE!"

"EXECUTE (YOU BASTAAAAAAAaaaaaarrrrddddd...)!"

-----Sky Troops ------

I SEE YOU'VE RETURNED. Black Doom stated, looming over his fleet of floating temples.

"Well...You're better than beastiality."

I'M NOT SURE I WANT TO RESPOND TO THAT. Doom said, sweatdropping. Shadow thought about what he had just said. "Agh, wait, that didn't come out right!"

NEVER MIND THAT. LOOK OVER THERE. Pointing a claw, Doom indicted a fleet of red dots in the distance. Shadow peered into the distance. "That's...Eggman's Fleet..."

HMMM. IT APPEARS THAT HUMANS HAVE A NATURAL INCLINATION TOWARDS FOOLISHNESS. Shadow nodded. "Well, this one does. His army is...vast. Multitudinous."

WORRY NOT. MY SOLDIERS ARE MORE THAN CAPABLE OF DESTROYING HIM.

"Your going to make me do it anyway, aren't you?"

I KNEW YOU WERE SMART. GET MOVING.

-----Later----

Shadow tore through another Egg pawn and took it's bazooka. Avoiding a hail of bullets from another Pawn, he spun behind some cover, which another Bazooka pawn quickly dismantled. Scanning through the column smoke, the pawns didn't notice Shadow leap out of the top of it until he was upon them.

"These toasters are even stupider than before." Shadow said to himself. "That doctor must be the most incompetent, scatterbrained dumbwad on the face of the planet."

"Hey, do I talk about YOU behind YOUR back!"

"GAH!" Shadow jumped on top of a statue. "Wha...huh...Oh." He looked down. It was just Eggman, transmitting via hover-monitor. "You. Well, I'm not taking it back. What do you want, anyway?"

"For you to fight for me and destroy my foes."

"Get in line." Shadow muttered, folding his arms. "I've got a good thing going with the Black Arms, why would I throw it away for someone I don't even like?"

"Because we're Family!"

"...Never. Say that. Again."

"No, Seriously! You were created by my grandfather, remember? That makes us cousins." Eggman stopped and rubbed his head. "Or...well, not really, I suppose you would be his son...hmmm..."

"You're delusional. Now if you'd shut up, I have robots to destroy. Yours, as a matter of fact." Shadow said, as Eggman continued his calculations.

"...Maria was my cousin...and you were...maybe...adopted by her? Wait, so what do you call your cousin's kid, anyway?"

"Maria?" Shadow shouted in surprise. Eggman didn't notice, off in his own little thought bubble. "Maria...and...Professor Robotnik...Gerald Robotnik! I remember now!"

"If you marry your uncle, you become your own grandpa, or something like...Wait, remember what?"

"Everything! The ARK...The soldiers...Black Doom! He was there...and...Ah! I remember what I was created for! I EXIST TO DESTROY BL..."

SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! Doom's Eye suddenly rushed in with a hammer and knocked Shadow into next week before escaping at what appeared to be mach eleventy-billion. It took about three seconds, plus swearing. Eggman blinked, a questioning look on his face. "Was that a talking Vagina?" He looked down at Shadow, whose head was leaking something similar to blood. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Ugh..." Shadow blinked. "Uhh...Wha...where am I?"

"Oh, here we go again..." Eggman muttered, cursing Shadow's repetitive amnesia. Shadow didn't hear him, getting a hold of his memory. He was currently up to about half an hour ago. "I was...with Black Doom...on top of the fortress...and then I was here...What was I doing for the last few minutes?"

Eggman's eyebrow shot up like a cat on a porcupine. Quicker than a car salesman on an idiot, he leaned his monitor forwards. "Obeying my will and eliminating Alien invaders."

"Are you sure?" Shadow asked, still a little woozy. "I could have sworn..."

"You know how bad your memory is, Shadow!"

"Hmmm...right. Right. Thanks." Shadow muttered. As he speed off to purge the ruins of their operators, Dooms Eye peered over the edge of the wall. ...THAT WAS A LITTLE TOO CLOSE.

Hero Mission Completed

------Eggman's Base------

Shadow looked around, waiting for Eggman to show up. He had promised him a valued reward for his help against the floating ruins. "Huh..." He began to hum a tune to himself. "...We're all distant hmm-hmm...trapped in this machine...don't know how long we've waited..."

"Hey, Shadow." A slightly mocking voice called out from behind him. Shadow didn't move, but he stopped humming. "...When I turn around, you'd better not be Sonic." Shadow warned, displaying his gun. "I mean it."

"Calm down! What did I ever do to you?" Sonic asked, holding out a palm for peace. Shadow fired a warning shot. Through the space between Sonic's eyes. (Okay, no, he threw a rock at him. But that sounded just too cool.)

"Sourpuss." Sonic stated.

"Slacker." Shadow responded.

"Tightwad."

"Bonehead."

"Emo."

"Wannabe."

"Fish face."

"Waste of a life."

Tails sighed. He hadn't seen one time when Sonic and shadow hadn't greeted each other with a stream of insults. Those same insult, in fact. They didn't even make up new ones, it was like a freaking ritual. It usually ended when one of them called the other faker, at which point the other denied it and claimed that no, YOU'RE the faker. To which the other would say no, you! You! You!

"You!"

"You!"

"I was here first!"

"I'm fifty years older than you, lamebrain!"

"Sigh." Tails stepped in and broke them up. "Shadow, Sonic, it's not important. We have to get to the ARK, remember?"

"Huh?" Sonic stopped trying to wrench Shadow's head off. Shadow stopped trying to strangle Sonic. "Oh, right." Sonic disengaged his pseudo-suplex. Shadow. "Like he said, we're going to the ARK. Wanna come?"

"Why in the world are you going to the ARK? Come to think of it, why are you even here, in Eggman's base? And since when did you have a spaceship?" Shadow demanded. This stumped both Sonic and Tails. "Umm...plot device?"

"Which device, the exploding calculator?" Shadow sarcastically asked. "Never mind. It just so happens that I need to go to the ARK, too."

"Great. Beam him up, Tails!"

"Wouldn't the door be easier?" He asked. Sonic rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, if you wanna be all boring about it, then sure, door him up." Shadow muttered something under his breath. "That sounded so stupid."

"My point exactly!"

------Later---------

"You MUST be joking." Shadow stated flatly. Sonic waved his hand at the black hedgehog. "C'mon, it'll be fun."

"Why do I have to be the engineer?" Tails asked. Sonic shrugged. "Because you ARE an engineer!"

"Well, why is he the alien! The Alien has the best part!" Tails asked, putting the ship into cruise mode.

"Well, Shadow's got the same colors as the aliens."

"You two are idiots."

"Just say it!" Sonic shouted, lighting a stick of dynamite.

BOOOOOM!

"What happen!" The blue hedgehog shouted.

"Someone set us up the bomb. We get signal."

"Main screen turn on!" Sonic motioned. Tails made a low beeping sound. Sonic gasped. "It's you!"

"..."

"It's YOU!"

"I'm not saying..."

"IT'S YOU, TURNIPHEAD!"

"Fine! How are you gentlemen! All your base are belong to us."

"What you say!"

"You have no chance to survive. Make your Time. HAHAHA." Shadow took off the purple blanket. "There. Now where's the shower? I need to wash the stink of idiocy off of me."

"Aww! But we didn't even get to the move zig part!" Sonic groaned. Shadow snorted. "Who cares. By the way, if tell anyone about me doing that, I'll kill you."

"Yeah, yeah."

"I mean it. I'll tell Rouge you stole her underwear. Then she and Amy will both kill you." Shadow growled. Sonic felt a chill go down his spine. "Yeee...you wouldn't kid about something like that, would you?"

"You know it."

"Guys?" Tails interrupted. "We're here."

"Wow." Shadow said. "That's the biggest Eggman mustache I've ever seen that wasn't on Eggman's face." Shadow muttered. Sonic whipped his head around. "Hey, you've exceeded your joke quota for this year!" Shadow gulped. "Oh! Oops."

"Can we worry about that later?" Tails asked. "I can't get the ship any closer, there's too many aliens. You guys will have to hoof it for the rest of the way."

-----Space Gadget-----

Sonic dodged a huge alien's sword and landed on it's head. Charging up his spin dash, he tore through the monster's face like a swarm of bees though a bunch of campers. Releasing the dash, he pinballed his way through another giant and bounced off the rest of the resistance. "Heh! Bigger, maybe, but they fall just as easy."

"Says you!" Shadow growled, unloading another clip of bullets into an opponent. "Try taking on about a dozen of them, then talk to me!"

THERE YOU ARE, SHADOW. Doom's eye floated down from the ceiling. IT SEEMS THAT YOU'VE DEFECTED. AND I HAD SUCH HOPE FOR YOU, TOO.

"Hey, it's the va..."

Doom's Eye glared at him. WHEN THIS PLANET IS MINE, YOU SHALL BE THE FIRST ONE WE DISSECT. NOW, SHADOW. YOU HAVE BETRAYED YOUR MASTER AND HARMED MY TROOPS. YOU HAVE SHOWN INSOLENCE AND INGRATITUDE TO MY GENEROUS OFFER. BY ALL REASON, I SHOULD OBLITERATE YOU ALONG WITH THE HUMANS. BUT, I HAVE JUST RECENTLY ELIMINATED WHAT YOU EARTHLINGS REFER TO AS 'THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE'. SO I'M IN A GOOD MOOD. SO I WILL GIVE ONE FINAL CHANCE TO JOIN US, AND FULFILL YOUR HONORED DUTY. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Sonic grinned. "He said doody."

...OH, AND YOU GET TO KILL HIM.

"Tempting..." Shadow muttered. "Hmm..."

"Come on, Shadow. Don't you know that the good guys always win? And besides, Rouge will rape your face with a broadsword if you join him!"

"Ah. Good point."

IF YOU WISH IT, I CAN HAVE HER FED TO AN ANNELID.

"Mmmm...I dunno about that..." Shadow sighed, rubbing his ears. "Maybe just chewed a little bit..."

"Shadow!" Sonic asked. "You're not really considering his offer, are you!"

"Well..." Shadow mused. "I can't say I could let the world be destroyed..." He felt a sudden smack to the back of the head.

HE DID IT.

"Did not, ya two-faced cockhole! That's a tentacle mark!"

SILENCE, YOU DODDERING RODENT!

"At least I don't bleed..."

LIAR!

"...EVERY MONTH."

Shadow sighed and walked off.

Normal mission completed

----Black Comet----

Sonic looked at the innards of the Alien fortress. "Heh. I guess they've never heard of fung shuei in Uranus." Shadow ignored the mispronunciation. "Remind me why I'm helping you again? My memory did that thing it does."

"Because you're a good person at heart, you like people but pretend not to, you have a good soul..."

"That can't be it..."

"Because I said I'd tell Rouge you stole her undies if you didn't?"

"Yeah, that was it." Shadow jumped down the ledges, blasting enemies as he went. "Why does everyone always threaten me into doing things?" He asked, gunning down enemies on the bridges above. Sonic wiped out the oncoming enemies beneath. "Well, if you weren't so apathetic, we wouldn't have to!"

"Hmm." Shadow jumped off an alien and onto a ledge. Running through the door, he was greeted by Doom's Eye. I WARN YOU, SHADOW. THIS IS YOUR LAST... Sonic tried to hit him with a homing attack. "You again? Beat it, or will sell you to a Sushi stand."

...FINE. YOU MAY DIE A HUMAN'S DEATH. WHEN THE END COMES, RECALL THAT YOU HAD THIS OPPORTUNITY, AND LAMENT. With that, the eye vanished into the shadows. Sonic blew a raspberry. "EMO!"

"Sonic. Stop wasting time. The sooner we find Black Doom's true body, the sooner we can get out of here."

"Yeah, yeah, it's all about you."

"Well, it's my game."

"Don't remind me." Sonic sighed, grinding down a tentacle. The two got further into the base, destroying it as they went, until...

"What the hell is THAT thing!" Sonic shouted, as a gunship materialized overhead. It answered with a salvo of missiles. Jumping behind a rock, Shadow managed to dodge them. Popping up to take a shot at it with his blaster, he merely drew its attention away from Sonic. As a monstrous laser ripped through his cover Shadow realized that he was out of ammo. Running up a wall to get on top of it, he was pushed back by a force field. As the turrets aimed towards him, Shadow had just enough time to avoid being incinerated. 'Perfect!' He thought. 'No ammo and it's resistant to impact! I need Chaos blast!' Dodging another missile, he realized that there wasn't a human to kill for miles. "Sonic! I need to do something evil! Got an idea!"

Sonic jumped from the wall, with was blasted to bits. "Hmm...I got it!" Relaying his plan to Shadow, the black hedgehog nodded and grabbed the Chaos Emerald. "I need to lock...onto a great source of Chaos Energy..." He nodded. "Chaos...Control!" He disappeared, just avoiding another missile.

-----Master Emerald Shrine----

"Aliens...feh!" Knuckles sat atop his emerald, a look of determination on his face. "I've been duped too many times to leave now! This time, the master emerald stays INTACT." He stood up and shouted to the sky. "YOU HEAR ME, UNIVERSE! IN! TACT!"

"Hmm?" He looked down. Shadow was at the base of the shrine. "Oh, Shadow! What are you doing here?"

"Sorry about this, Knuckles." Shadow said, vanishing.

"Sorry? What are you talk..." He was interrupted by a shattering noise. "...you...son...of a BIIITCH!" Faster than Shadow expected, Knuckles lunged, like a hybrid between a werewolf and a woodchipper. "I'LLLLLLLKEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLYOOOOOUUUUUUU!" Shadow just managed to get away.

Knuckles looked up at the sky. The last Shards could be seen, twinkling, as the passed the horizon. The guardian got on his knees and started banging his head against the ground. "ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS! THAT GODDAMNED SACRED ROOOOCCKK!"

—Black comet: Black Doom's chamber—

Shadow looked at Black Doom, as he sprawled on the ground. C...CURSE YOU...SHADOW...YOU...YOU...

"Like I said." Sonic grinned. "The good guys always win. Now lets go. The government's probably going to blast this rock into space dust."

NO...NO...WE WILL...THE BLACK ARMS..WILL RISE AGAIN...

Shadow smirked. "Really? I guess there IS something to be said for foolish optimism. This is the end for you." He snickered. Then he stopped and blinked. "...Why do I feel an uncontrollable urge to say 'This is who I am?'"

"Beats me. Now c'mon, let's go. G.U.N. can handle it from here." Sonic grinned. Shadow breathed half a laugh. "Really? Shouldn't we put up little signs, like, 'Unconscious alien dictator: Second door on right?'"

"Good one. But seriously, lets..." Suddenly, the asteroid shook like a bounce house. "W-w-whoa! What the heck!" He glared at Black Doom. "You just activated the self destruct, didn't you!"

WHAT SORT OF FOOL PUTS A SELF DESTRUCT MECHANISM ON HIS OWN BASE! IS THAT WHAT PASSES FOR INTELLIGENCE ON EARTH?

"Don't answer questions with questions!" Sonic shouted as the vibrations got worse. "What did you do!" The ground began to buckle and quake. A fracture shot out of the wall and towards Shadow. Raising his foot to avoid the tremor, it was pulled back to the ground.

By a big, spiky mitt.

"FOR THE EMERAAAAAAAALD!" Knuckles shouted, swinging Shadow around like a lasso. "Gah!" Shadow used Chaos Control to escape, but was soon found again. "OH, NO YOU DON'T! THIS TIME, YOU'RE GETTING THE GODDAMNED SHARDS! YOU HEAR ME? GET BACK HERE!"

"SHARDS! Sonic shouted. "SHADOW, DID YOU BREAK THE MASTER EMERALD!"

"NO! MAYBE! YES! ROUGE DID IT!"

"IDIOT!I YOU TOLD TO GO KICK A CHAO!"

"SHUT UP!" Knuckles roared. "YOU'RE GETTING THEM TOO, SONIC! YOU DIDN'T STOP HIM!" With ferocity never before seen, Knuckles began to chase both hedgehogs, throwing car-sized chunks of rock.

...WELL...THAT WAS...ODD...

"...AND YOU'RE THE REASON HE DID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! GET BACK HERE, CUNT MONSTER!

GAHH! STAY BACK! Shooting through the air like a deflating balloon, Black Doom managed to avoid Knuckles's wrath, which was passed onto Sonic, Shadow and the environment in general. Looking down, he noticed Shadow drop the chaos emeralds, desperate to lighten his load. THOSE ARE...AH! Like a vulture, he swept down and grasped the emeralds. FINALLY...THE EMERALDS ARE MINE! MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Oh no! A plot twist!" Sonic shouted, hiding atop a stone spire.

THESE EMERALDS...THE ULTIMATE POWER...THEY ARE MINE! AND WITH THEM, I WILL DESTROY YOUR PATHETIC CIVILIZATION, AND CREATE A NEW AND GLORIOUS EMPIRE!

"SHUT IT, YOU! YOU'VE GOT EMERALDSHARDS TO FIND!" Knuckles shouted, blasting a boulder at the dark creature.

CHAOS CONTROL! With a wave of the hand, Knuckles found himself slammed into the wall, with his boulder pushed into him. HA. YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE, YOU FOOL. WITH THIS POWER, I CAN MOVE SOMETHING EVEN AS LARGE AS THE BLACK COMET ITSELF!

"Move..Black Comet..." Sonic whispered to himself. "Wait...Oh no! He's going to use the comet to give earth an astro-noogie!"

NOT EXACTLY...CHAOS CONTROL!

---------

Eventually, the comet stopped shaking and Shadow was able to stand up. "Arrrgg...my head...what happened?" He looked around the room. Knuckles and Sonic were unconscious, too. Black Doom was nowhere to be seen. "...Black Doom? Show yourself!" No response. "Hmmm...how very odd...was all that just to escape?" Muttering to himself he woke up Sonic and tied knuckles to a rock. "Sonic. Call Tails. We should get going."

"What about Knuckles?"

"If we're careful, I think we can make sure he doesn't get on the ship." Shadow rubbed his head. "Hmmm...Did Black Doom take the emeralds?" Shadow walked over to the tall, wide door of Black Doom's chamber and opened it. Something that looked like a metal pine cone bounced to his feet. "What is..." It exploded, sending Shadow flying across the room.

"All right men! CHARRRRGE!" Someone shouted. A crowd of green-clad soldiers stormed the room, blasting anything that might have been an alien life form. Shadow leaned out from his cover just long enough to say, "IT'S US, YOU..." (Dodge) "US! IT'S US!"

"Do not fall for their mind control! Open fire!" Their squad leader shouted from the back. "YAAAHHHHHH!" Withing ten minutes, the soldiers had successfully dismantled a wall, chunked the ceiling and turned the floor into a crater. "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, SIR!" Some soldier said, saluting. Sonic muttered something that sounded profane. "Yeah, operation: Come too late to actually do anything and scare two hedgehogs shitless." He decided that he'd had enough of them. "Hey! Guys! I think there's still one or two doughnut stands back on earth that HAVEN'T been overrun by Black Arms!"

All of the soldiers ignored him. "Oh, right, that's cops...what do soldiers like? Hmmm..." Then the bright little butterfly of inspiration alighted on his mind. "Hey! Look! WOMEN!"

"Women!" The Squad leader blew a whistle so loud, it was probably annoying people on the ARK, too. "NEW MISSION! CHAAAARRRGGGEEE!" With a force exactly equal to that of an elephant with nothing to loose running for the exit of the zoo, they flooded out of the room. Then, with tactical genius and coordinated military maneuvers, they, as one person, tripped out the airlock.

Shadow said nothing for a moment. Then looked at his acquaintance. "Congratulations, Sonic. You just killed a hundred men."

"Th...that was an accident! I didn't mean for..."

"Wow!" Knuckles said, not noticing the two tons of rock on his back. "Evil!"

"Gah! I didn't..."

Dark Mission Completed

"SHUT UP!" Sonic shouted, sweating profusely. Thedark, stinging insects of fear and guilt began to swarm. "I didn't..it's...not my..." Suddenly, Tails contacted him. "IDIDN'TDOTAILSYOUGOTTABELIVEMEIDON'TWANNAGOBACKTOPRISIONISLANDTHEFOODTASTESLIKEAMATTRESS!"

"...Oookay...umm...I just wanted to let you know that the asteroid has landed on Earth...and...it's kind of...taking root..."

"E...earth? Earth!" Sonic spun around. " HAH! I KILLED NOBODY! THEY'RE ALIVE, I'M A HERO AGAIN! THHHBHBHBHBHBHBHTT!"

"Yeah...but we're all going to die now..."

"Wazzat?"

I WAS WONDERING HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE YOU TO CATCH ON. Black Doom's voice echoed. YOU FOOLS WASTED TIME IN PREMATURE CELEBRATION, AND ALLOWED ME THE TIME I NEEDED TO TAKE CONTROL OF THIS PLANET. EVEN NOW, PARALYZING GAS IS SEEPING THROUGH THE ENTIRE WORLD. YOUR ATMOSPHERE WILL BE FILLED WITH IT, AND YOU WILL BE HELPLESS.

"Wait..." Sonic's eyebrows churned with thought. "You're secret weapon is a giant quiff!" Shadow pasted the blue hedgehog with a rock. "That joke's getting old!" Suddenly, a wave of stiffness took over his whole body. "Ahhgh! Wha...what did you...what happened to me? Why can't I move!"

HAHAHA...EVEN MY OWN COMET IS FILLED WITH THIS GAS...YOU HAVE NO HOPE. YOUR PLANET IS MINE... Sonic moaned as the gas froze him in place. Knuckles laughed, visited by the big, purple narwhale of overconfidence. "Ha! I'm not afraid! I'll just punch the gas away from me!" He turned and brought around his fist in a humongous uppercut. Then the gas hit him. "Arrgh..of all the..positions...to be frozen in..."

Shadow looked at them. "Arrgh...how can this..wait..." He blinked. "Hmmm...ermm...ah..." With the feeling that his whole body had one big cramp, Shadow stood up. "Hey...I can move! I...but how..."

"Shadow! We can't worry about that now, you have to go stop Black Doom!"

"Huh? Right! I'm on my way!" Shadow jumped up, numbness washing from his body. Sonic grumbled. "...And why does HE get to move, exactly? He never had to go through this in MY games!"

"Emerald...little bitty pieces..."

"Oh, shut.up, Knuckles." Suddenly the door opened, revealing someone about three feet tall in a haz-mat suit. That was about all Sonic could say for sure. "T...Tails? Is that you? Come on, get me out of here!"

Tails just breathed deeply, walking towards Sonic. "Hang on...that's not how Tails walks...Who..." The glass mask leaned forward. It wasn't Tails.

"AAAAAAAGHHHHHhhhhhhthehorror..."

"EMERAAAAAAAAAAaaaallllldddallbroken..."

-----Black Doom's OTHER chamber------

"So there you are!" Shadow shouted, looking up at the master of darkness. Black Doom laughed. WELL, IT APPEARS THAT YOU ARE GOING TO RESIST ME TO THE BITTER END. HAH...WHAT INGRATITUDE. IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN EXIST...

"Wh...what are you talking about! I was created by professor Gerald..." Shadow shouted, stepping back. Black Doom laughed. YES...YOU WERE...BUT I PROVIDED THE RESOURCES NECESSARY TO SYNTHESIZE A CREATURE AS POWERFUL AS YOUR SELF...MY OWN BLOOD!

"Wh..what! No!"

YES...YOU ARE A PART OF ME. MY POWER AND THE DOCTOR'S MIND WERE TAXED IN YOUR CREATION. YOU BELONG TO...

"HOLD IT!" Eggman's capsule materialized next to Black Doom's head. GHHAAA!WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!

"I've figured it out! How I'm related to Shadow! He's my cousin's uncle's daughter's son's pet's owner's boss's grandfather's NIECE!"

"Niece!" A vein popped out of shadow's forehead. "I'M MALE, IDIOT!"

"Hmm? Oh. Maybe I forgot to carry the cousin...Oh, on an unrelated note, I found out that Black Doom is your mother."

MOTHER! WHAT SORT OF IDIOCY IS THIS?

"Well, professor Gerald was his father, and you've got a great big va..."

ENOUGH! Black Doom crushed the monitor into an Ipod. A LIVING WASTE OF TIME, THAT SCIENTIST...

"Black Doom! Enough talk! I'm here to crush you and save the humans from your dark designs!"

IS THAT SO? HMMPH. TO THINK THAT SOMEONE MADE FROM A PART OF ME WOULD BECOME SUCH A FOOL. Black Doom disappeared in a burst of Chaos control. COME, THEN. THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY...

----------

On the ground, the survivors of Westopolis groaned. The aliens had taken away their homes, their lives, and now their motor skills. The human spirit might be indomitable, but the human being becomes whiny pretty easily. One of the Comet soldiers had landed on his back. Which had landed on what felt like an aluminum porcupine. "sigh...And we were promised women, too." His eyes twitched up. "Eh?" At first glance, it looked like the sun was beating up a cloud. Some squinting revealed it to be a golden hedgehog throwing lasers at... he blinked. "Umm...sarge? Can you look up?"

"Nope. Fell on my face."

"Oh...Hey, Beltly?" He asked of another soldier, who responded with a muttered, 'Yeah?' "What's that hedgehog beating up?" The other soldier squinted. "Well, I'd say it looks like a great, big, scaly..."

"..."

"...Gargoyle. Yep, the wings, the claws, they way its sorta sitting on that round thing...yep, looks like a gargoyle." The soldier nodded. Then he stopped. "...Why do I get the feeling like I should have said something else?"

"...I dunno. Argh, this porcupine in my back is killin' me..." Under the soldier, the metal porcupine sighed and drummed his finger against the ground. Metal Sonic sighed. "I hate my life..."

----Above the City----

Shadow jumped to avoid another blast of fire. Black Doom stopped his advance with a cloud of rubble. Barrel-rolling past the car, Shadow dropped to avoid a chunk of house and ran of a section of highway, charging up his attack. "Chaos..." Jumping off the end, he released the attack, only to have the demon disappear like a mirage. "Spear!" The shot fired off into nothing. "Ahg! Stop moving, you bastard!"

MAKE ME. Black Doom replied, firing lasers. Swerving quickly to avoid, he ran head first into another fireball. "OOF!" Shadow was pushed back. "Argh...cheap bastard..." Suddenly, a voice crackled in his ear. "Shadow! Can you hear me? It's Tails! Your our last hope, so don't give up!"

"How about you say something USEFUL for once, you oaf!"

"Useful? Umm...welll..." The was a shuffling noise. "Get...out...move out of the way, Tails! Shadow, it's me, Eggman!" Shadow swore. "Yes, me! His weak point is the eye! Go for the eye!" More shuffling. "GET HER OFF! SHE'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIIIIVEEEE! NO! NOT THE HAMMER!" Shadow choked down a gasp."Was that Sonic? What happened to him?"

"It's...ah, there's not time!" Tails shouted. "Now hurry! Go for the eye!" With that, the voices clicked out. Shadow sighed. "Well, here goes nothing." He looked down at the ground. "..Except every living thing on earth. Oh, well." He focused his power and began to glow. Black Doom laughed as Shadow shot towards him. STUPID LITTLE CREATURE. EVEN WITH MY BLOOD WITHIN YOU, YOU'RE STILL NO BETTER THAN ANY OTHER OF THESE EARTHLINGS! NOW, DIE! CHAOS STORM! With a mighty roar, Black Doom sent forth a mighty shockwave of pure energy that tore the air in half. Shadow used his Chaos Control to dodge it and reappeared in front of Doom's face. "Chaos...Spear!" With a mighty blast, Shadow launched his attack.

To an imaginative viewer, right before the energy hit doom's eye, it may have looked like a fist...with one finger pointed straight out.

POOOOKE!

ARRRRRRRGGHHH! MY EYE! AHHHHHH! With all the force of an avalanche, Black Doom fell below the clouds...and was never seen again.

—Three Days later—

Sonic looked around the city. Already, the gas had been neutralized and the people were starting to rebuild. Even Eggman had been...convinced to lend resources. Of course, he would use this to claim that at least half of every building in Westopolis belonged to him. But the general public had gotten pretty good at ignoring him over the years, ever since his Death Egg plot had been foiled. The blue hero's sigh was heard for a moment, before Tails called him over. "Yeah, I'm coming." As he walked over, he happened to look at the Hexeaco building, one of the few that had remained relatively unharmed. At the top...a dark spot could be seen. Sonic grinned to himself.

Shadow, from his lofty perch,watched the humans, happy in their relief, and remarked on their ability to forget a painful past. Maybe some things...were better off forgotten.

Like that Speedo picture.

----Epilouge----

Shadow was later offered membership to the NRA, but the offer was withdrawn because he wasn't drunk enough. He is now seeking refuge from an ever-increasingly large fan base. He still cringes at the mention of the internet.

Sonic was last seen talking to Tails on the matter of his own past, and how the fans now know about Shadow's origins, reasons and favorite color, but still have yet to know Sonic's last name.

Knuckles found Black Doom, revived him, and forced him to find each and every last emerald shard, down to the smallest speck. Afterwards, he stole Rouge's underwear, which he blamed on Shadow as revenge for his breaking of the emerald.

Rouge's last known location was in a warehouse, affixing Shadow to a giant paddleball machine. In Knuckles's eyes, all is forgiven.

The government claims that G.U.N. did everything. And that they took out the Biolizard. And Perfect Chaos. AND the Death Egg. And Metal Sonic. (That last one they were actually responsible for. Metal is still trapped under that one soldier's ass.) Glowing golden hedgehogs? What hedgehogs? Those were...ah...missiles...yeah, golden, glowing, furry missiles...

Charmy was later dropped in a vat of pure sugar. He subsequently exploded, but is making a full recovery.

Espio developed an intense hatred of all things computer related. He now sends out email viruses and blood-sucking popups in his spare time. DING! You've got mail!

With the bribe that the government gave him to keep quiet about the events of the Black Arms invasion, Vector was able to buy a better voice. He will no longer sound like Fat Albert in a helium factory (We hope...).

Eggman has claimed to be ruler of the world sixteen times in the last few days. Yep, everything's back to normal.

Chaos Zero still hasn't done anything. He's getting to be a real homebody.

Black Doom: Location Unknown.

The surviving Black Arm's soldiers (You know, the ones Charmy gave the pills to.) Were done in by a G.U.N. operative known only as 'Agent Smith.'

And while the population of earth was diminished by about twenty percent, making it the greatest calamity in the history of mankind, it was all but forgotten within three weeks. Yep, that's humans for you.

The reader was last seen writing out a positive and gracious review, possibly including a generous cash sum. Dragonbreath takes cash, checks, money orders, rings, coins, zenny, yen, pounds, euros, alcohol, and MasterCard.