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Chapter Quote: "But there are many people on this earth Papa...why do we only fight the orcs and the fair folk?"

Chapter Nine

Fear

I knew after the first snow fall that for some reason something big was about to happen. For things had already begun to happen here in Rivendell. I avoided Estel whenever I could, shunned his questions and ignored his worries. I could not let myself hurt him again...I could not live with myself if I hurt him again. I could not hurt him...I had wanted to hurt him. I had felt the hot anger coursing through my veins. I had wanted to hurt him, I had wanted to see his blood...with feelings such as those...who knew what I might do to him a second time?

I didn't understand what was happening to me. I didn't want to. I was dangerous.

I began avoiding the elves of Imladris altogether. I would have sudden, violent mood swings and in the same way, I would want to hurt them like I had Estel...and I didn't know why. The urge was growing stronger all the time and I knew that, one day, I would not be able to resist it. The winter was harsh and cruel to me, I could not longer escape to Gilraen's house by the river, nor could I flee into the forests. I was stuck inside the buildings. And then they would ask me questions that, in my ignorance, I could not answer. I often could not stand it and would have to escape outside to the stables and risk the cold.

Because, though I was terrified of hurting the elves and Estel, I was never afraid of Lightfoot.

"Why must we always train to fight, Papa?" I asked the tall man as he bandaged my bruised chest. My training had suddenly intensified and the tall man was no longer as cautious about delivering soft blows to me. The tall man paused, slowly tying the bandage in a knot and helping me to sit up.

"We must always be ready to protect our people and our homeland. Our way of life is so rare now... so precious. To lose even the smallest piece of it would mean our destruction."

I frowned, "But there are many people on this earth, Papa, why do we only fight with the orc and the Fair Kind?"

Again the tall man frowned and his eyes darkened. He pulled a fresh tunic over my head and fixed the unruly locks of hair that had fallen out of my braid. "The orc are the enemies of all, my child. They live only to destroy what we need all need to survive. They relish in pain and suffering and must be fought at all costs."

"But the Fair Kind Papa...why must we fight them?"

The tall man shook his head, "That is a story for another day."

"But Papa..."

"Listen to me." He said gravelly, taking my small shoulders into his grasp. "To question what your people believe so strongly in is unwise. The Fair Kind nearly destroyed us all long ago. The bad blood between us runs far too deep. You are too young to understand, but you have lost more to them then you know."

"What have I lost Papa?" I asked, looking into his tan, wizened face. He cupped my small face in his hands and I was startled to see tears in his bright, blue eyes.

"One day you will understand. But right now, your task is to learn, not to question the reasons. When you are older all will be revealed. Right now, know this, and only this. The Fair Kind are our enemies. When they fight. We fight. It is the way things are. Do not questions the words of your elders. Know only anger and remember we were so much more before they robbed us of it."

"Do we hate them Papa?" I asked, fear ebbing into my words and making my lips quiver as I looked into his eyes. The tall man sighed, releasing me. He looked so sad suddenly...as if he was in deep and terrible pain. He turned away.

"Hate is a powerful emotion, my child. You should never hate anything at all."

"Then we do not hate them?" I asked hopefully.

He looked back at me, his blue eyes blazing. "I did not say we did not...I only said we should not."

I awoke abruptly as the tall man's enraged eyes burned fervently in my mind. I was gasping...and my heart felt like it was racing as fast as little Lightfoot did when we galloped along the river in the spring time. Lightfoot had stood, was now nuzzling my hair, which, as I looked at my reflection in his dark eyes, was mused with bits of hay. His body, growing larger every day, had been curled around mine until only a few short minutes ago. With this knowledge as I brushed the hay from my hunter green tunic, I realized that I had again fallen asleep in the stables.

I sighed, Elrond would not be pleased with me. This was not the first time, but one of many times that Lightfoot had kept me company during the night when I was tormented with memories that made no sense and made me burn with anger. I thought back on the memory, this one, like all the memories, felt empty. Like it was connected to me... but at the same time it wasn't. Like I was a bystander watching someone else's memory. I could never remember any names...only I knew that some of them looked familiar. And I was never really sure if it was even my own eyes who were experiencing the memory. It was strange...so very strange.

"Dininiel?" Lightfoot asked questioningly. I turned to look at him and smiled when I saw the concern in his eyes. "You...are...well?" He asked hesitantly. Though Lightfoot was growing stronger in body, he was still not very well learned in my tongue. Usually we spoke through pictures that we sent to each other. His sentences in my tongue were still quite rough, and not exactly complete, but he was a fast learner and I knew he would get it with time.

I smiled at him and rubbed the tip of his velvety nose. "Well enough little one." I thought back to him. Lightfoot, not even a year old, was getting taller all the time. He would shed his baby fur in the Spring and then he would because just as tall, strong, and beautiful (or in his case, handsome) as his mother. I had not thought of Valanna in a number of months and her memory coming so swiftly to my mind was like a bucketful of cold water being splashed in my face. I shivered and I felt Lightly nuzzle me affectionately again.

"What...is...it?" He asked.

"Nothing." I replied. I turned to look up at him curiously. "But I didn't wake you up...did I? You woke me up...is something the matter?"

Lightfoot blinked, his long eyelashes flurrying over his dark eyes. "I...dream...something." He said haltingly, trying to get the right words to come out. "Remember...something." He stopped abruptly, twitching his ears and turning his head towards the door.

"What's wrong?" I asked worriedly.

"Someone...comes." He said.

I followed his gaze, and then it was then that I heard footsteps. I melted with relief as I heard a familiar voice. I had too many nightmares about footsteps, and that voice put my fears to rest at once.

"Dininiel...what are you doing out here?" It was Estel. He had looked pale ever since he had returned from his hunting trip with the two 'E's', Elladan and Elrohir. While he was gone, I had met Elrond's daughter, Arwen, who was very pretty and also very kind to me. Estel had been acting strangely around her ever since he had returned and met her for the first time as well. It was then, thinking on how little I had seen him since the day I had hurt him, that I realized just how much I had been missing him. I guiltily avoided his gaze. I didn't want him to know the fears that I had.

"You have to get better at it you know." He said softly. I looked up at him questioningly as he opened the door and entered the stall. "Discerning what you want to tell me and what you want to keep hidden from me." He tapped his head with his forefinger, telling me that he had just heard my internal battle. I blushed, I had been reaching out with my thoughts to him without even realizing it...I had missed him so much. So...so much. He glanced at Lightfoot who was keeping a protective vigil at my side. Estel gestured to the hay next to me. "May I?"

"You...may." Lightfoot answered, except it came out in a whinny and Estel turned to me in confusion.

"Can't you understand him?" I asked. Estel shook his head, I nodded at Lightfoot who was sending me pictures of Estel sitting next to me. But, if Estel should in anyway decide to harm me, what would happen to him...ugh..."Stop it Lightfoot!" I fumed mentally. "He's my friend." Lightfoot moved silently to the side, I shook my head and looked at Estel. "He said you could sit down." I told him.

"Oh." Estel lowered himself beside me, his long, muscular frame warming my chilled body as he sidled up next to me and clasped his hands together. "So." He said, turning to look down at me. "I thought we were friends Dininiel." He said kindly.

"We are!" I thought back hurriedly, gazing up at him earnestly before turning away as my old fears rose up from the depths of my chest and snapped at me to stop. You'll only hurt him, Dininiel. They told me. You know you will.

"Then why have you been avoiding me?"

I didn't look up at him, instead I curled a lock of Lightfoot's mane between my fingers. "I...I don't know." I said hesitantly. Estel was silent, waiting patiently for me to continue. "I was afraid." I said at last.

"Afraid of what?" He asked.

I bit my lip, could feel tears starting to form at the corners of my eyes. "I was afraid I'd hurt you again."

Estel blinked in surprise. "Dininiel...that wasn't your fault-"

"Yes it was!" I thought sharply, I turned to look at him with tears flowing freely from my eyes. "I could feel my anger flowing through me Estel. I could feel my hatred. And I liked it...and I saw you..." I told him everything...about the violent surges I had been feeling, and how I had taken to avoiding everyone because I was so afraid of hurting them like I did to him. And I told him how much I had missed him...and that I had only stayed away to protect him. Because if I lost him...I didn't know how I would survive.

The tears were falling more rapidly now and I turned away, not wanting Estel to see me cry. I felt his arms encircle his arms about me and pull me into a tight embrace. I cried into his shoulder, my thing frame shaking as all the fears I had been holding onto for so long overflowed. I cried until I was too tired to struggle anymore and I laid limply in his arms.

"So many fears for such a little girl." He whispered as he caressed my hair, wiping away my tears. He turned my chin up so that I was looking into his eyes. "Don't you ever be afraid to come to me...or any of us...for help Dininiel. We'll get through this together...I know we will."

I sniffed, closing my eyes and clutching at him tighter. And I knew it would be all right, because Estel would take care of me. I felt him look up.

"Do you mind?" He asked Lightfoot, gesturing to me.

"Go...ahead. Take care...of...Ddddininiel."

"Thanks." Estel told my friend. I felt Estel stand and pick me up into his arms. It was cold outside the stables, but I did not feel the winter's chill as Estel hugged me close to his chest. And, as I drifted off to sleep in his arms, I thought how ironic it was that I had been hiding from Estel for so long and it was only him who made it better. And how funny it was that Estel had answered Lightfoot as if he had known exactly what he had been saying.

A/N: And yes, here is an update for another dead story that I am bringing back to life. So you all know. I never discontinue a story. I just work until I work out the kinks and get the flow back. In this case, I have the flow back and I think I've got my plot worked out. Don't expect updates more then twice a month because I'm juggling updates for so many stories that it gets tiresome. Just know that I never leave any of my stories out to die! They just need time to be nurtured. I hope you all had Happy Holidays and you can expect updates, one way or another, soon:)

TO BE CONTINUED...